I haven't posted in a while. I need to post everyday, because something happens everyday and I learn something.. everyday! So much has happened. I think with everything that "has" gone on since February, it's easy to imagine myself fainted on the floor from mental exhaustion! I haven't fainted yet! I truly believe the Lord has sustained me. There can be no other explanation...
As I sit here right now, Stephan is gone... My husband asked him to leave- again. We don't really look at is as "we kicked him out." We look at it as- he chose not to follow our rules, which are: 1) Curfew is 11:00. 2) You must come home sober. 3) Because of the current situation, you may not "spend the night" with any friends. 4) If you miss curfew, you cannot come into our house. 5) If you come home high, you may not come into our house. 6) You may not do drugs on our property.
Now, these are pretty simple rules... We made rule #3 just incase he thought he'd be smart and think he could call us to see if he could spend the night with a friend when he knew he might be late or high..
We've made rules similar to these before... and he chose not to live by the rules once before and Richard helped him pack! He was gone for about four days. He learned nothing other than he couldn't afford to live on his own!
Well, we have come to this place once again.... Since February, he has failed drug tests at his probation visit, another wreck--he wrecked his jeep, he quit a job then got another one, he continues any and all drugs, he's been assessed by a Drug Rehab Facility who said he needed impatient, he's ran away from home, wrecked ANOTHER car... he's threatened to commit suicide over a girl, he's gotten into a fight inside Taco Bell, ran into this kids house one night in front of his parents and was threatening to beat him up. He came to his brother's wedding rehearsal high... both of our families were in town. Richard spent two nights- almost all night outside on foot, up and down the street trying to reason with him while he's hitting street signs and mailboxes with a golf club keeping us all awake, including Richard's sister, mother and brother. I was inside hearing Stephan screaming and dings and dongs on anything metal in our neighborhood! We had a wedding we were getting ready for. We had to call 911 three times that night but he was "doing nothing wrong!" We called 911 again on the day of our son's wedding about an hour before the bridal march, because he was committing suicide again. We had a cop on the way and a friend and my sister, Cindy. Cindy was able to coax him to the wedding- barely- they sat in the back. Stephan was high...
Planning a wedding and trying to deal with a son in Stephan's situation has had me completely... well, I don't know the word.. A word that describes complete joy and complete sadness and utter despair all at the same time.. Well, I guess there isn't a word for that.
The girl that I described earlier- the one he threatened to take his own life over. I was desperate to love her in the beginning. It was what I felt I should do. I wanted to also make Stephan feel as if I liked her. I had my doubts that she was good for him. But was he good for her? I made her feel at home. She ate meals with us. We later found out that she was also doing drugs with Stephan... and they had sex ..and lots of it. Long story short, she has a bad habit of getting with other guys when she and Stephan were in an argument. She don't go home, throw herself across her bed and cry for days... She goes and sleeps with other guys! This will explain Stephan's second wreck, the fight at Taco Bell and running into the guys house that I wrote about earlier. I wonder why he cares about her so much... she has hurt him deeply and blames Stephan for HER behavior! She was there the night of his wreck and acted as if she was so concerned for Stephan that he had a wreck and the fact he was suicidal that night. I knew why he wrecked and knew why he was suicidal as I spoke to her. My flesh wanted to say to much to her... but the spirit within me held my tongue! She was on her way to this guys house, which is why Stephan wrecked!!!! He passed her.. and ran into a truck that was pulling into a driveway... No, that was not smart. Should he have done that? NO... Right after the wreck and all of her concern, she went to this guys house anyway! I just can't see why Stephan doesn't tell her to take a hike... a long one!
About Rehab: Yes, they told us he needed impatient. Impatient involves two weeks of intense counseling, classes, etc. You live there.... He did NOT want to go! I did not care that he didn't want to go. As parents, you want what's best for your child. You want what will help him or her. When you have a child on drugs you are almost in a grievous state of mind. It "is" grievous! You are desperate! Well, he told us he would commit suicide if we made him go. My brain was telling me that I must send him, but my heart was afraid for what he might do... Then I began to reason with myself. Was he manipulating us? If he is, then he must go! Will he commit suicide somehow? Then, we've got to find another way! The turmoil that we go through just to make the right decisions is what makes this process so "grievous!" At times I feel like he is manipulating us and I feel as if my hands are tied. Then I ask myself, "How in the world did we get here? How can we be in a place where there are no boundaries? How did we get to a place with our son where he breaks every rule and has no respect for us?" I have come to a few healthy conclusions on that. We got here, not because we didn't set boundaries or set rules in place, we got here because that's where he led us. His choices and decisions got us here. His love for drugs got us here.
I went to the Drug Rehab Facility, I signed the papers... He was to begin the very next day! Because he was in Celebrate Recovery, they decided to do outpatient so he didn't have to miss. In outpatient, you have to be there Mon- Thurs from 5-9 each night. Family night is Tuesday night. You also must be in two other meetings per week such as AA or NA... They were going to let Celebrate be one of them, so we had to find a local NA meeting...
The day we were to start, he took off on foot through the woods right when we were supposed to leave. I called Richard and when he got home we got in the car and went looking for him. If you can believe this, we drove about 8 miles, turned into a subdivision and THERE he was! It was like a miracle. He was stunned... well, so were we! God is good... I had to call and cancel our first meeting, because it was apparent we were not going to make it.
During this week, previous to the actual start day, Richard and I had talked to a few friends. Friends who have been in rehab and are now serving God, friends who've had a spouse in rehab who are now serving God and friends who have children in rehab. We keep getting the same advice. The advice is: Rehab must be a Christian facility. They also tell us that Stephan must be willing to go. If he is "not" willing, we are wasting our time, money, etc... Part of me is like, well, what do we do in the mean time if we don't send him? I also feel like forcing him to go! I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that if we send him unwillingly, when he gets out, he will come running to us, embrace us, and tell us he is do glad we sent him!!!
OK, back to the moment we found him... We are on the street where we just found him. He is telling Richard again that he will commit suicide. In desperation to help him, Richard tells him that we must get a plan... something.. He told him he needs help. Stephan will admit he needs help, but the next day, he's off for the next high! He is in constant battle within himself! Some moments he wins, most moments he looses! Richard told him that in order to help him that we MUST stay firm with rules and boundaries and in order to live in our home, he has to attempt to stay within his limits and live by the rules. One rule is Celebrate Recovery every week! Stephan agreed... No friends was another rule, Stephan agreed. No drugs... He actually agreed! Now, I'm not naïve... I truly knew this would be an issue at some point. But.. we were on a path... leading to where, I did not know. All I knew was that we were all three on the same road, headed in the same direction... that felt good for a change. Things went well for about a week. He did fail his next drug test at the probation office, but we were prepared for that. He spoke to his probation officer about our plan and she was positive about the whole thing. Stephan and Richard were both working on his Celebrate Recovery material each week before the meetings. Richard wanted to make sure he was working through this and he was. Richard was not reading what Stephan wrote in his book. This is private.. but Richard noticed at a glance it started out as a few words... later on paragraphs!
We were on a good path... We had decided and still do believe that Rehab will not work for Stephan until he is at rock bottom and asking to go! People in Celebrate will tell you that you must be willing to go! You have to be "willing" to go to Celebrate as well!! Unless someone wants help, they may go along with the program, but will not receive help. I have seen or heard of so many people go through rehab only to get out and relapse... but it is because they weren't totally willing to go on their own. That's just where we are now...
He started lying about Celebrate Recovery not having the meetings on Sundays. He said they canceled it. However, there were no other classes at church either one particular Sunday, so we believed him. Another Sunday passed and he had another excuse as to why the meeting was canceled. Richard went immediately to talk to the director who told us that classes are NEVER canceled for any reason! The only reason for classes being canceled is if Christmas Day falls on a Sunday for there to be no classes at night.. or Christ comes back! Thus, started our walk in the other direction once again.... Richard lovingly helped him pack.. which is why my post began with the fact that Stephan isn't living here once again.... He told us he did not want to follow our rules... so here we are... again.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please comment! I would love to hear your thoughts...