Stronger For It

Since my last post, my heart is not quite as heavy. There's a song that I've been reminded of this week. It's called, Stronger For It. Part of the chorus is, "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak, I'm stronger for it..."

I didn't like that song when I first heard it many years ago. I thought, "Who wants to 'ask' to be blind or lame?" Isn't that a dangerous prayer? Through these past three years, that song resonates in my mind, especially during the times I want to give up. I have even sang it during worship at our church, now that I know what it truly means.

About a month ago, well, it's actually been off and on during the course of these three years, but the feelings of oppression and desperation have weighed me down tremendously, especially during this last month... I remind myself that it's the enemy all the time! He begins to whisper sweet "nothings" into my ears, telling me lies that feed my greatest insecurities. He knows where he can get us! He knows our weak spots. He knows what to say to rip us to shreds and do the damage that hurts us the most. He tries to defeat and destroy us. If he can pin us to the ground and we don't put up a fight, then he wins. Two weeks or so ago, I wanted to lay down on the ground and not move -or- crawl inside the littlest hole I could find, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and shut out the entire world! I wanted to call our music minister and tell him that I need to take a sabbatical from choir, praise team and singing solo. I wanted to take a trip to Tennessee all by myself and just get away from all humans that I know! I was in the depths of despair. In the movie, Anne of Green Gables, Marilla Cuthburt says, "To despair is to turn your back on God!" You know... there may be some truth in that!

Stephan is still living here with his jaws wired shut! The plan in the beginning was that he lived here and did not leave our side. As I mentioned before, if he were to throw up- he could die! He agreed. You know, I really did know better than to even make him agree to it... I'd hoped different of course, thinking that "surely" he won't leave under these circumstances.... surely this situation will force him to demonstrate that there is some type of logical activity going on inside that cute brain of his! Nope... !

I think the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak were these events: On top of what we've been through already, he left with his "friends" against my will one day. He and I were going to go put in job applications and I was ready to leave. His friends are on their way to come get him and I told him to call them and tell him not to come, that he's going with me. I'm standing there in the hallway, compelling him to stay and go with me! I reminded him that going with me could be a very good decision that he could make that could redirect the course of his future; he smiles and leaves.

 

He stayed out all night and got drunk! - My worst nightmare of him dying could have came true that night! Do you think I slept any during this leave of absence? Being his jaws are wired shut, he came back home and there was another day he left and I didn't even know it! I guess I was cleaning. He did leave me a note on the bar that day- that was respectful! Or at least, more than I used to get. He also snuck out in the middle of the night one night as well. Oh help me!

 

Some time back, we had an alarm installed on his door upstairs. There was alarms already on the windows. Somehow he figured out if he opened his door once and let the system beep, then leave the door cracked the alarm would not go off and we would possibly not hear the beep  Also, when we would go to check on him before bed, we weren't noticing that the door was cracked. We were listening for an alarm, not a beep and he found his way around that too! He's lied, lied, lied....

 

I over heard two conversations of his lately that I feel like the Lord allowed me to hear. I was at the right place at the right time. What I heard was that it appears Stephan is dealing some.... I also overheard him telling a friend that he would look for stuff to sell around our house!! OH- OOOHHH! You gotta be kidding?? Richard was pretty upset and had a pretty healthy conversation with him that night! Basically, he told him while we are waiting for these wires to come off his teeth - if anything at all turns up missing at our home, then he will have to live elsewhere and take care of himself WITH his jaws wired shut! Richard asked him if he had a way of pureeing foods etc. He replied, "no.." The wires come off Feb. 6th and I have a feeling when he's recovered from the surgery to have them removed, he will not be living here. We will have to ask him to leave again.

I try not to let Stephan's hang-ups or habits effect my emotional state and especially my spiritual state. I try not to let it mess up my ability to be a good mom or an encourager. Being an addicts mother is extremely hard emotionally, I have to say! Being spiritually minded at all times when you are dealing with an addict is also hard! I see my child self-destructing before my eyes and I feel that we've done everything possible to help him, yet I still feel this sense of desperation for his healing and hopelessness that he doesn't want healing or restoration and there is nothing I can do to help him! I also know that it's not my job. I'm not the Holy Spirit, nor can I make his decisions for him. Every moment of my day I know that Christ is one who is going to make all the difference in the world for him and that gives me great hope if in fact someday... one day... hopefully soon he turns back to Him! I have hope in Christ. He stands at the door and knocks, but watching Stephan -time and time again- turn away and shut the door hurts my heart "again and again." I keep waiting. I keep watching for any sign of hope. This can be an agonizing process my friends. There are all these questions during the waiting process.... What if he doesn't get with it and get a job? What if he's caught shoplifting again? What if he goes to jail again? What if he's in a wreck again? What if he winds up in the hospital in ICU again? What if he.. dies? OH GOD, please protect him. Protect him from even himself!

He went to church with us last Sunday, can you believe it? He said that it depressed him. I told him that I knew what he meant and that this type of "depression" wasn't a bad thing. I told him I felt that he was convicted, not depressed. He told me, "Yeah, of course I was, that's why I don't like going!" I told him in the kindest voice I knew of that conviction does hurt. It hurts everyone! It hurts me! It also lets you know personally, that the Holy Spirit is inside you and has been since you asked Christ into your life! The Holy Spirit leads us and convicts us of sin in our lives. That's a good thing. All my Stephan could see is the hurt inside him, not seeing that taking Christ's yoke upon him is easy or that His burden is light! Stephan sees all the changes that need to be made in his life and he sees this as an overwhelming accomplishment! What he fails to realize is that he would have to give his life to receive it. Until he does this, Christ can't work! Christ makes all the difference and the changes within us, not we ourselves! He transforms us by the renewing of our minds. Old things pass away and all things become new. Our desires change, our habits change, things that were once "fun" don't seem fun at all anymore! Once he turns back to Christ and only when he does, is when these changes can begin. It's only by the power of God that we become a new creation that has no desire to live in the flesh, but in the spirit!

So, as heavy as my heart has been, my strength has been renewed these past few weeks. I have been in the Word even more -that has given me comfort! My prayers have been for Stephan, but also for me... I don't want to be oppressed by the enemy, so my prayers have been for God to help me not want to give in or give up. That's what the enemy desires anyway! I read in Psalms about David singing praises unto the Lord. David made mistakes, he sinned, he also fell upon his face in repentance. God forgives... David was a man after God's own heart even in times of trial and persecution! God rescued him from peril when he offered up praise and thanksgiving.

He glorified and exalted God for his reign and the protection that only God provides. Through prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God, David's life was continually being re-routed to look to God and to trust him in times of oppression. That's how I want my life to be. I don't want to give up and give in. I don't want to be "pinned." I want to be a fighter!

I have truly learned to trust God more and to praise him during the times when my circumstances get me down. I've learned that when you don't feel like praying- pray! When you don't feel like ministering- minister! When you don't feel like being in the Word- Read! When you feel like pulling away from everything and everyone- Host a table at a women's event where your job is to meet and greet people! Well... that's what I'm doing tonight : ) Had to throw that in for fun!

So Lord, when storms of life pass over me and the winds are raging out of control. Let me not be in despair and turn away from You or my life's purposes. Let my heart be so in tune with Yours that you.... "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak............

I am made stronger for it... By the way, this song was the next song that I sung at church. If you'd read my last post you heard my heart. Never have the words to this song ever been so true. It was so hard walking out on that stage again, but I made my mind up that I wasn't going to listen to Satan's lies and I was not going to be defeated. I think there were many hearts in tune with mine that morning as they heard my heart through song as they knew the battle I was fighting.

Bless you my friends,

Christel