I haven't blogged since September for several reasons. First reason is- We did move to Wisconsin! I've been here for two months now. Before the move, I was extremely depressed. I finally had to stop going to choir practice. I'm not a quitter, but going was painful... All the questions. I had announced that we were moving during one rehearsal, but others who weren't there would ask, "I heard you were moving?" I'd have to explain.. over and over and over. The one statement that hurt the most was: "Isn't your daughter-in-law pregnant? How in the world are you going to leave that baby?" or "I bet you'll miss that baby." or "I bet you're having a hard time leaving that baby aren't you?" Oh my God.. cut me with a knife will you!!! Just gut me right here!!! No one knows the nights I woke up in the middle of the night- not just in a hot sweat, but waking up screaming OUTLOUD waking Richard. This went on for weeks before the move. I felt emotionally tortured within and being at church and people asking stupid gut wrenching questions tore my heart out! I know they meant no harm, but I couldn't physically deal with it! Leaving Jeremiah meant he might not know me. I'm supposed to be there for him. I needed him. I wanted to hold him and to watch him grow. I wanted to be part of his life and for him to come over for visits. Life was not fair right about now. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I needed him to know and love me.
During the "process" of moving -I was extremely depressed. Men came to my house, packing up my stuff and I had to be there to supervise. That meant time away from Brandon, Ellie, Jeremiah and Stephan. I had just spent a month with them since Richard left, but at the time it felt as if it were no time at all. The movers had me packed in two days. My home that I loved was a vast, empty place and I stood in it alone... and just cried. My life seemed to be escaping me.
After the move... I was extremely depressed. Snow was now part of my scenery and there I was on my couch in a foreign place with no one. I had Richard... I'm glad I had him. Sadly, the depression was so bad I didn't leave the couch for about three days. It was me, my iPod and I had discovered the game Hey Day which kept me busy. How had I stooped so low? I'm feeding imaginary chickens for crying out loud!!! It was bad... I felt myself wanting to withdraw from the world. I wanted my life back. I wanted my family and my baby Jeremiah back.
Today, for the first time since "The Big Move," I actually opened my blog to discover that people are reading it. I discovered that people just like me are struggling and needing comfort, advice, prayer...
I took a class once, on Depression when we lived in Oak Ridge, NC. It was at the Billy Graham training Facility in Asheville. I was there for other reasons, but I had a free class.. It was after my father died... I sat there listening to the lady speak. She had cards that pictured different expressions of emotions on them that one may feel, etc. It was pretty generic, but informational. It was when individual people in the class began to ask her questions that things began to spiral downward and out of control. She couldn't answer the questions... Finally, she said, "I can't answer your questions because I have never been personally depressed!" I was thoroughly upset. I felt deceived! Someone asked, "Then why are you teaching about depression when you've never been depressed? How can you know what we are feeling?" Needless to say... the class didn't end well.
When I started this blog- I felt like my story may help someone... Maybe someone knows what I'm feeling! Maybe others who "do" feel the same way and are experiencing the same struggle with someone they love! I have found this to be true. Other people are going through the same thing I'm going through and when you go it alone... Well, that's a lonely place to be. It helps to talk and to gain strength from others who have walked or are walking in your shoes.
So why was I depressed? The thought of leaving Stephan in Alabama was overwhelming. There were so many uncertainties! Was it the right decision? We had prayed about him going with us and... not going with us...! On one hand, we felt a change may do him good. (You know, new place, new people, new opportunities, new church, a fresh start where no one knows your past.) On the other hand- We could NOT relive the last episode of him being in Wisconsin on a daily basis! (See last post.) NOT an option! The other thing was our relationship with our oldest son and his wife... (see last post!) They were our best friends!!! PLUS- our first grandchild was on the way.... The thought of not watching him grow was grieving to my soul!
Well, backing up, during the process of the move, Stephan was in a pretty depressed state himself. He didn't take it well when the final word came in that we "were" moving. That sent him on a tail spin of sorts. He took every opportunity he could to get high! Things got pretty bad. His anger increased even more... Long story short- there was lots of home improvements that needed to be done to his room when we moved out in order to sell our home. We just left it in God's hands. We told him that we'd like for him to go with us, but we couldn't do the drug thing! We told him we couldn't relive what "went down" the last time we were in Wisconsin!! We gave him examples of opportunities there and reasons to start over. Perhaps it was a chance of a lifetime! Was God moving us for Stephan?? Was God moving us "away" from Stephan?? So many questions that we were seeking answers to in prayer. On the other hand, we also told Stephan that he could stay in Alabama. We wanted to leave the choice up to him, but prayerfully hoping that he would allow God to help him make the choice. 'We" didn't want to interfere with God's plans... but sincerely wanted to know what the plan was!! What we ultimately wanted to do was leave an impression in Stephan's mind that we love him, we want him, but it's his choice as to where he stays! And the choice was his... the ball was in his court! I secretly wanted this to be a new life for him. I did... I pictured him getting a job in WI, finding good friends, going to college... Was it just a dream? I looked back on his track record and told myself that I'm kidding myself!! The scenario of him "staying" in Alabama scared me to death. I didn't even want to think about it. However, as my mind transferred over to what Stephan must be thinking, I knew this was real to him... His parents are moving and he was down to the nitty gritty as far as choices go! The short of it: He had gotten mad and told us he was staying........
When he said that, I wanted to throw up! I cried.... I screamed ( in private.) I wondered why God was doing this to us! I asked so many questions!! I never try to second guess God, but although I knew He was going before us and the fact that we had actually seen His hand concerning this move; my heart was still tied up in knots! It was clear as day that we were supposed to move, so why am I so perplexed? Is my son going to be ok? Is he going to starve? Where is he going to live? Is he going to get deeper and deeper involved in drugs and...( ) I can't hardly write the word... I don't want to write it... I won't... write that D word. I just want him to be ok and stay alive! Just be ok... I would pray- "Just take care of him Lord! I know you've got plans for his life... You've showed me that! Please keep him safe!" I tell you, fear set in... It really did.
God continued to remind me in my pain and all my fear that He was in control. Not me! One day, after weeks and weeks of pain and grief with Stephan- Stephan finally broke! He looked at me with the most pitiful look that makes me want to cry even now. He was crying and said, "Why are ya'll moving to Wisconsin and LEAVING me here!!!!!" I just looked at him and said to him, "Stephan, baby, you know that me and your dad would NEVER, EVER leave you!!!! We LOVE you and want what's best for you. You KNOW you can go with us!!" We embraced and both of us cried. I have never seen such fear and helplessness in his eyes.... He told me that he knew that he couldn't do drugs in Wisconsin and he didn't know if he could quit. We talked for a while and he seemed excited about a fresh start... but then he also wanted to stay in Alabama, because he had a girlfriend. He wanted to go, yet he wanted to stay. I could tell that his thoughts were churning. He had decided to stay again......... but he was pretty overwhelmed at exactly how he was going to do it! BUT, for the first time in his life, he was having to make real decisions for himself- REAL decisions! When someone "has" to do something, they find a way and he finally began a process of his own.
A few days passed. It seemed after Stephan's break down, he changed. I think he felt secure in our love for him, although he knew how much he was loved... we tell him we do everyday! I think he just needed to be reminded of it again. He knew we wanted him to go with us, but it's like once he got passed his feelings and knew he had the choice to go or stay and the choice was his... - STEPHAN--- started looking for a job and taking control of things! He put in a few applications here and there... Time was running out though. (He would leave with his girlfriend, Rainey to "put in applications" and come home with a few blank ones. He filled out one online... one... I drove him around town to put in a few myself, because at this point, he still wasn't driving his car again since he was home again! Since he was staying in Alabama, we finally decided to give the car back to make job hunting much easier! We paid the insurance for the first month to show him that we supported him and Stephan agreed to start paying it after that.. Which was another incentive for him to find a job!! Richard also said that I was NOT going to be his transportation! So, we figured that if he didn't find a job- the insurance would cancel out and he'd be right back where he started, but at least this put him in a situation to where he COULD find a job and HAD to find a job to keep his car - and it would be on him if he didn't! It was pushing him in a good direction and giving him an opportunity to make things different.
Days passed and Stephan's job search was at a stand still. All I knew- is time was running out! I felt so anxious inside about him finding a job since he was so undecided about weather he was going or staying!! God, --then again, stepped in- smacked me upside the head- He reminded me that I didn't need to interfere with Stephan's job hunting, nor did I need to press him on the matter. I need to let Stephan do it, because Stephan is doing exactly what Stephan wants to do! Stephan's return on how much time he invests into looking for a job will be his reward!
For a few weeks he had no luck , although he HAD put in several applications... I noticed that Stephan started cleaning out his room. When Stephan starts cleaning- something good is going on. Stephan off drugs is a clean freak! But this was different. He started gathering things that belonged to his friends -clothes, etc. and returning them! I thought it to be odd. This went on for several days. I also noticed he was spending more time at home with me and his dad. He wanted to pick up a movie and watch it with me etc. He finally told me one day that he couldn't find a job and that maybe God wanted him to go with us! He said, maybe it would be better for him to get away and maybe that's why he wasn't finding one. He also told me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night!!! This was all a little bit "information overload." I didn't know quite how to process it! I was also over joyed that he was speaking of God and actually thinking about what may be best for him and including God in it!!! When he came home- he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend. I did tell him that if he didn't love her, that he didn't need to string her along and if he did, he DIDN"T need to hurt her! I also suggested that he needed to continue to look for a job regardless of weather he stayed or went with us... He did have insurance to pay and perhaps he could transfer his job when we moved.
One day, Stephan came home and "Stephan"- found a job!! He started working at Little Caesars in October of 2012. He did pay his insurance in November.. it was late and he paid a late fee... but hey, he paid it! In November he had made arrangements to move out and live with another guy who was in the military and 28 years old. My first thought was, that at least it wasn't one of the croanie's he'd been hanging with! He also told me that his girlfriend was moving in too. NOT what a mama wants to hear... I guess the positive in all this is: He as a job, he found a place to live on his own, he began discussing his finances with me and Richard and wanted our advise on weather or not he'd be able to afford the rent and his insurance, gas and food! We made him a budget on paper. He could see where all his dollars would go. I believe he felt a sense of confidence in himself- and he moved out that next weekend!
The empty feeling you feel when your baby leaves the nest is as empty as it gets. I was not happy, I was not sad, I was scared, I was hopeful, I was glad, I was mad, I cried, I laughed... I reminisced on his childhood as we packed up awards, footballs, pictures, birthday cards, his favorite pillow... It was the bitterest of bittersweet moments a mother could have. Only he wasn't going away to college. My son was struggling, he was on drugs, he felt a little abandoned and alone... he felt loved, he felt confused and uncertain about his future.... He felt our support and he knows we're there for him, but miles were getting ready to separate us like never before.
Over the next few weeks, he visited often! He was doing well. He smelled of alcohol, but always made time for us weather that was at the house or out to eat. We had a wonderful Christmas... Stephan decided he didn't like earrings any longer! He also wanted an authentic "Polo" shirt- I bought him one as one of his Christmas gifts. I'll take a Polo shirt over scrappy t-shirts any day! He wanted his hair cut... I cut it! Stephan looked nice... He acted nice. He hugged us, told us he loved us. He was coming back to us!
Ellie's belly had grown so much with little one growing inside. We ate, we laughed... Brandon, Richard and Stephan arm wrestled... Stephan started going to church with us! YES he did.... At first he didn't go to Bible Study- only church... He felt like everyone was starring or maybe judging, but you know, once he was there and people loved on him-- he started going to our Bible Study class. It was an answer to prayer... I've told Stephan that church is sometimes referred to as a "hospital" for Christians, because we are all broken and struggle in different areas- that's why Jesus died for us. Without His sacrifice on the cross for us all, we would all surely perish- because we are all infected with sin!
Little Jeremiah was born!!! What an awesome day... Oh, he looks so much like my Brandon... Stephan looked at Brandon and said, "I can't believe you're a dad!" Then he laughed... Stephan held Jeremiah with such love, starring into his little face and rubbing his little hands... Stephan fell in love, as we all did! He's such a little joy! I had never been in love like this before... wow! He stole my heart.
The day came for Richard to leave. I think this day was probably the worst day of my life. It all became real. Richard's mother and sister were there from NC. I was holding back tears for three days before Richard left and cried when no one was around. My eyes were so swollen all those days! Richard told us all bye. He went around the room and hugged everyone. We all cried. I walked him out and after a few moments, Stephan came outside and sat on the steps. I motioned for him to come to the truck and he did. He was crying... We all had another group hug. OH goodness, this was so hard. I had another month in Alabama, but knowing that Stephan was feeling like his dad was leaving for good was so hard to watch. I think we said, "I love you" a hundred times... Stephan went back inside and Richard and I hugged some more. When he left, it all came crashing down!!! I cried uncontrollably. I started screaming out on the front porch and couldn't stop! I can't explain it. It was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced- Thoughts were flooding my head about Brandon and Ellie, new little Jeremiah, Stephan!!! How am I going to do this???? I can't do this!!! I can't move... Richard's mother had to come outside. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I tell you- words can't express the feelings I had that day. I upset everyone. Ellie ran upstairs. Brandon and Stephan were crying. Richard's mother and sister were crying. It was terrible..... but... Finally- we were all breathing again. My tears subsided. I went to the bathroom to discover dried pieces of toilet paper all over my face. I was a sight!
I spent time with my kids more the next month like never before! I was at Brandon and Ellie's helping with the baby most of the time. Stephan would come by when he was off work. I also had "all" the kids over for meals at my house several times : ) It was a good time...
Stephan and I had lunch together often. It was good to have that one on one time with him. We discussed how he was doing. He was still paying rent, working and paying car insurance!! He told me that he couldn't afford much- He also told me that he quit doing chemical drugs during that time. He told me he couldn't keep a job doing junk like that and he didn't want to get fired. He said, I'm just smoking weed and drinking! I have to laugh inside. Years ago, this would have been terrible news, but that day- it was great news! It was awesome news!! He also added that he hated "parties" and he couldn't wait to have a place of his own.
Was my Stephan growing up?
Richard flew back to Alabama to drive me and my car up. He had been in WI for one month and going stir crazy! He needed meatloaf!! : ) However, the week before he came was numbing. The movers were there packing up all my stuff! I had decided to let them do it all, so I could spend more time with the kids. I tell you, I loved my house, I loved where I lived, I love my kids, I love my church, I love my friends... It seemed that I was having to leave absolutely (everything) I loved! We had also seen the hand of God in this move, yet, I couldn't figure out why I felt so forsaken... How is this God's plan? Why is this God's plan?
The day we left was just grievous for me. I held on to Jeremiah and dreaded having to let him go. I took him in his bedroom, sat down in the rocking chair, held him and cried forever. How could I leave him? My heart was being ripped from my chest... My sons- I watched them grow into young men. Why was God separating us! My Ellie, had become my BFF! (Best friend forever!) We did everything together! My hopes and dreams of watching my boys have families of their own and grandchildren wrapped around my feet were becoming uncertain. I won't be able to have a jungle gym in the back yard now. I won't be cooking Sunday dinner, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner... What about the desires of MY heart?? I prayed for this for years! Lord, what now?? This is not fair...
All I know, is that God does... "know." He knows the plans he has for us...- (Jeremiah 29:11.)
Since my last post some things have happened. I have to say it's answered prayers! God is good! Sometimes answered prayers is not what you expect it to be:
*Brandon didn't get the job we'd hoped for as mentioned in my last post.... He got another one just as good!!! A job we never, ever in a million years ever think he'd get, nor was it available when we moved, nor did we ever imagine it would be! Someone quit out of the blue...! Brandon had to travel to NC to train for it for two weeks... He got a $6.50 raise! Ellie doesn't have to worry about going back to work now! Brandon never would have been eligible for this job if Richard were still plant manager, because like I said, Brandon can't work under Richard! God can do some amazing things! We didn't see that one coming!
*Stephan still has a job at Little Caesars and told me during my (March 1st) visit to Alabama that he is trying to stop smoking pot, so he can get a better job! He said he's just drinking... Note: My earlier conversation before we moved was Stephan telling me he quit chemical drugs and was just smoking pot and drinking! This is progress....This is progress...! His car insurance is getting paid on time now! He's moving out of the apartment with the other guy and is moving into his own apartment! His girlfriend is moving in too... again, not my best advice, but God is working in Stephan's life in so many ways. (Rome wasn't built in a day and Billy Graham didn't become an evangelist over night!) He spends a lot of time with his brother, Brandon, and Ellie since we're gone. The apartment he's moving to is very family friendly- not the ghetto! I helped Stephan find the apartment online and I really, really have a good feeling about it. He went and filled out the application, got approved, now he's waiting for one to come available.
*Stephan came over to Ellie's the other day for a visit and they took Jeremiah for a stroll. Ellie called me so excited and said that Stephan just blew her mind!!!! I'm like- "Tell it girl!!! Tell it!!!" She said that they were walking and talking and Stephan was telling her about all the things he put me and his dad through. He said, "I used to hate it when they would lecture me. OH, I'd get so mad... they just went on ..and on ..and ON!!! Dad thought I wasn't listening, but I was.... I HATED it when they would tell me where I could go, where I couldn't go, who I could hang out with and who I couldn't!! I usually did the opposite of everything they told me not to do... You know, I realize now that they were lecturing me because they love me and were trying to protect me! I GET IT NOW!!!! I find myself giving advise to others and it's exactly what my parents used to tell ME!!" He ended by telling Ellie this: He said, " I have good parents, you know? I know they love me and always just wanted what was best for me..."
The next morning after Ellie told me this, Richard and I both received a text from Stephan (at 6:45 in the morning) that said: "I love you..." That's all it said... That's all I needed to hear. I cried tears of joy... My son is growing. He's taken control of his own life. He's doing it! He's eating at Taco Bell because it's cheap, but he's doing it!
I have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 for Stephan's life: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other day I was reading and read verse 12 and 13... "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."
Stephan called a few days ago and told me he was praying about his apartment. Praying!! Wow... It brought those verses to mind. I told him to keep praying and let God guide him, that God would never lead him astray... He said he knew.
Lord, watch over him, keep him safe and guide him................. Help me to trust You even when I don't understand your ways. I know that you have our best interests in mind.... because Your Word says that all things work together... Even moving to Wisconsin when I didn't want too.
