About three weeks ago, Stephan moved out with two friends of his. Stephan had money in his account that we've kept for him for some time so he didn't blow it. Plus, it's in there for insurance for his car when that rolls around again- although he's not even driving his car... Richard has told him that we'd discuss his car when he was 19. With the habits he has, we don't want this to be wreck #4 and have something terrible happen to him. Now, could he be in someone else's car and something happen? Yes, but it wouldn't be because we didn't try and protect him.
Back to the move: He wanted money for the deposit and we let him have it from his account! Richard said, "the faster he runs through every dime he has -the better!" I agreed... It really has come to this.
Stephan still has no job, neither did the two other boys... (yes, you can chuckle!) I know, I know- renting a place to live with two others who are jobless too. There is nothing left to do but shake your head. He is so dead set on getting out of here and I hate to say it, but things are calm around here when he's not here. I need to do an article about "Marriage on Drugs!" I think I've mentioned that before. The stress and strain that this can cause is astronomical sometimes.
We decided that if he wants to do this with no job, no car.. then go for it! Doing things the hard way with absolutely no logic behind any decision is the way Stephan operates and the only way he learns, so, yes, go for it! Maybe, just maybe.. he will learn that you can't pay rent with no job, but that's just mom talking! What do I know?
There is nothing we haven't tried with him. So, letting him have some of his money is just another tactic that we're trying. Week 2: Rent is due again. They are paying it bi-weekly. Two of the boys now have a job... BUT... it's the type of job that you actually have to get up out of bed for to be able to get in line at the facility and wait to see if you get to work that day or not... It's a CD packaging company that only takes a certain number of workers each day depending on how many shipments they have. When you sleep till 11:30 it's kind of hard to get in line, but that's just mom talking again. Again... Whadda I know?
So, guess what happened? Stephan knows he has more money... $212.00 to be exact. It's nearing Christmas and we are getting ready to head out of state to see family. Stephan decides not to go. We leave without him... I left a check for the remaining amount of all the money he had in the world! I told him to cash it the next day because the bank would be closed on Saturday.
I get a call in NC on "Saturday" from Stephan wanting to know where he can get this check cashed! I sighed.... I reminded him of what I said about cashing it on Friday! He wanted us to wire him some money... we refused. Long story short... he had to wait until Monday... he was hungry... he was penniless, but that's his problem. It's a learning experience!
Stephan wound up paying the second weeks rent as well. Now he really is penniless! Did that inspire him to look for a job? Somewhat! He put in two applications on line here when he came to visit and he went to meet with a manager of McDonalds, but he still does not have a job. At this point his friends owe him money... they still can't get up in time to go to work.
Week 3: Beer, drugs, girls... or maybe not in that order. Stephan was also caught stealing in Wal-Mart. He had stuffed a foot long sub down his pants. My friend, Lisa, who is on the management team there caught him. We'd already warned her that we thought he was stealing there... and he was caught! They did not prosecute, because it was under a certain dollar amount.
The next few days after this, Stephan was walking through the mall parking lot and was attacked by two guys in a car. They pulled up and accused Stephan of shooting them a straight finger. Stephan said he did not. They pointed at a car and told him he was driving that car when he did it! Stephan said he wasn't driving that car, that it wasn't even his car and he wasn't even driving any car, his friends had let him out! Plus, he told them that he wasn't even riding with anyone who drove that car! His friends drove another car! The guy slapped him. Stephan began to defend himself and was holding his own. Then another guy got out and hit him in the face twice!!
Stephan called us. We took him to the hospital to find out that his jaw was in fact broken and in four places! Richard has talked to authorities and creditable people here in town for advice and we have decided to press charges.
After Stephan moving out and everything- I secretly wanted him to come back home with his broken jaw, but I also thought that this is just another lesson he has to endure. I made up my mind that he would come to us about coming home. He did! We needed to get him to an oral surgeon. It was right before Christmas and both Doctors we were referred too were out of town- even the one on call! Yes, you heard me right! The doc assured me that his bones would be fine until the next Tuesday, but not let him chew anything and give him pain meds that the ER prescribed until then!
Stephan left again with a broken jaw, but after a week, finally asked if he could come home. He said he can't eat and he wanted to be home. I knew he couldn't eat! I worried over that so... You can't imagine how much! We told him he could and told him how it was going to be and he agreed for what that was worth. I know in my heart that I can't trust him... but I'm not going to let him starve. I want to take care of him! Who knows if all this didn't happen to protect him from something else? I don't know...
I took him to get all his stuff! I walked in this broken down trailer and there were at least 5 cases of beer! Stephan is so OCD when it comes to cleanliness and I honestly don't know how he was surviving there? Of course, when he's high, he doesn't care.
A nervousness came all over me... I almost started to cry, but I didn't. The beer, the broken jaw, just Stephan's lifestyle, the filth and nasty clothes all over the place- it all came crashing down upon me again and I felt so numb and hopeless all over again. BUT, I was glad I was taking him from this place.
Tuesday came... I called to make the appointment for the consultation, they asked about our insurance and she made the appointment for that day! He went to the appointment and then we discovered that they don't except our insurance during the visit! I was pretty upset! When the lady asked about our insurance earlier that morning and I told her our carrier, she should have never made the appt. if they don't except it!!!! She should have told me!
So... we spent the better part of the day making phone calls to our insurance Co. and to Oral surgeons trying to find someone who would take our insurance. Finally, we did, but it meant "another" consultation on another day!
As I am making soups and stews and pureeing them for Stephan to eat, we wait.... I know that his teeth are probably going to have to be wired shut and I began to have nightmares. I woke up two nights in a row drenched in sweat, crying! One night I dreamed Stephan refused to go to the appointment and I was pleading with him, screaming and crying, begging him to go. The other night, I dreamed he had to throw up with his teeth wired shut and he was choking!
The emotional toll this is taking on me is effecting even my subconscious and it's just almost unbearable at times.
On top of this, I got a call the other day that my first cousin, Suzanne had OD'd and was on life support. Mama called and I almost just had to tell her that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was in no shape for more bad news. My pain levels were already skyrocketing. I am so glad that my cousin miraculously pulled through. The death of our friend's son has really affected me as well. There's so much in life I don't understand. I have a couple of good friends I talk too, but I'm careful. I don't offer too much information. Everybody has at least one good friend you know? I want people to pray, I don't want my son the focus of any gossip. I also have trust issues with women... They just talk too dang much! I am one and can admit this! I'm the only woman I know who can keep a secret if I'm asked too! God and my husband are the only ones who know my innermost feelings... well, and you reading this... I don't know you which makes it easy to express myself. I'm hoping I am making a difference by helping someone through their pain as I write to release mine...
I have felt myself drawing away from people lately and wanting to draw away from ministry! I feel overwhelmed and like I need a retreat. We have Family Ties and people need us on a regular basis. I have choir, which is one thing, but praise team which is another. Plus, my solo's. I feel overwhelmed at times. I don't want to be defeated, yet I am feeling this way! I want to remain strong and although I am knocked down. I want to get up again!
I have kept going for three years even while our whole church knows of what was going on with Stephan. The church knew, because we had to get up in front of our whole congregation one Wednesday night and speak about it Stephan selling Marijuana at church! I haven't wrote about it, I don't think. Stephan did, he brought it to church and sold it to two boys, our pastor's grandson and another boy. Someone saw and told. At first the police were involved. Secondly, the deacon's were involved trying to decide if they were pressing charges or not. Our pastor, Doug and his wife, Katy had disciple us. Our families were close. Their grandson had almost become a part of our family-like our third son.
I can't forget it, Richard, Stephan and I were basically coming up front along with our pastor and his wife and grandson. The other family as well. We were coming to confess- since it was a public offense and to talk about what happened. The police were involved, so to prevent here say, we didn't have a choice. Stephan refused to go with us. I was also already a nervous, pitiful wreck. I kept telling myself that only like 350 people would be there, not the usual thousand...so it would be easier! NO! Not at all. I felt nauseous heading to church that Wednesday night. Stephan had taken off on foot and ran away and we had to leave! Walking into that place and down the isle that night wouldn't have been any easier if I had came to church naked. It was that bad. My friend, Tammy embraced me once I made it all the way to the front row. Our pastor spoke first with Katy asking forgiveness and for prayer for all involved. Their grandson made a video that everyone watched asking forgiveness as well. The other family didn't come.. not sure why, so that meant we were next. I'd been on that stage singing many times, but facing the crowd that night was one of the hardest and humiliating things I've ever done. As Richard spoke, I let out a wail of a cry... I couldn't hold it back any longer. Richard was crying as well. Somewhere off in the distance, a lady was wailing with me. As much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I felt a support- in a cry of sympathy. Afterward, we were greeted with love. People who had been in our situation. Some people simply offering their prayers. Some people didn't know what to say, and that's ok. I can say that I left better than I arrived, but I didn't know how I could ever sing again. How could I show my face on stage after all that? Was I stained in other's eyes? The devil was as his best now.... Sometimes embarrassment can make you want to withdrawal, but I'm over embarrassment... I'm over pride... I have none left. I find myself just wanting to crawl up into the Fathers arms and just be comforted...
My heart is hurting today...
We did finally get Stephan to the right doctor. He had surgery and his teeth are completely wired shut! Dr. D confirmed my worst nightmare- which was that "if" he got sick and threw up- he could die! That's as plain as I know to say it. It's worse than a nightmare. I couldn't sleep the first two nights scared to death that the pain meds would make him sick! Richard even slept in the bed with him incase he did get sick. I have to say, he has done well... We are being very creative concerning food. I've made three pots of soup that we've pureed. We do Ensure, Boost, yogurt, pureed oatmeal and the list goes on! Even grits have to be pureed! I might should say liquefied! He has to be able to get it through his teeth completely closed shut!! It's harder than you may realize. Drinking through a straw has it's challenges too. Most people loose 20-25 pounds during this 5 weeks... Yes 5 weeks- but he's gained 3 pounds so far! I have a feeling that even though he's on a liquid diet, he's eating more now than he was when he lived on his own sad to say!
I need to search God's Word more for comfort and direction. I hate feeling as I do. It's such an oppressing feeling and I don't like it. This trial is getting to heavy to carry and I am weary and tired.
May the God of peace be with us today.
