As I sit here and write, Stephan is gone. He ran away yesterday afternoon. We had two weeks of IOP under our belts and the last few days that we were there were not what I would call productive!
I sigh.... My heart is heavy. Richard and I had attended the Monday night Family Night Sessions. What we got was a little more of what we got when we were in Inpatient Treatment. We learned about body language, not yelling, leaning forward as you listen to someone, how to respond, how not to cuss! ...More about "feeling" words... We went around the room and spoke about situations in our home that cause arguments. We role played through a typical argument in our home that is something like-- Example: Stephan wants permission to go somewhere (before Rehab.) If he asked me for the permission, my response would always be that he would have to call his dad to get permission also. I didn't tell Stephan yes or no before calling Richard... Richard would be the one to give him permission, but then Stephan would have to give Richard the phone and speak directly to me to make sure I am on the same page with his decision! After this whole scene played out, the counselor told us we were a very functional family. We "are" pretty functional until Stephan does things that causes dysfunction in our home! If he would work with us, we could be pretty productive!
Well, what do you know.. the door bell just rang! Guess who? Unbelievable... as I am writing this, he comes home!
I went to the door, opened up the blinds to find him staring back at me with these goofy black glasses with no lenses in them and a quirky grin on his face. I told him he would have to wait till his dad got home to see if he could come in. His quirky grin disappeared, then he said, "I ain't doing that!" I just looked at him and he said, "Whatever..." and sat down on the step. He's still sitting there. I think he was somewhat shocked and he appeared to feel a little guilty. The longer he sits there he will conjure up a story of why he left and how it is all our fault, which will lesson his feelings of guilt. It's the way he operates. He's made his way to step number four again and leaving him on the steps seems to be my most reasonable choice right now.
Back to IOP- Last week, our counselor said these words to the group of boys during family time... "When you relapse..." Of course she finished the sentence, but when she said that I blurred the rest of her sentence! I thought, did she just say what I think she said? She did! Wait, we are paying you boo-coodles of money so that you can tell our kids that they will relapse ...and get sent back again? Dude, talk about job security!
Stephan and the other boys were also unattended during a break I noticed. I guessed that they are unattended during break the other three nights a week that we aren't there. As I sat there during this particular break and realized that they were unattended, I started to get up to go see what these boys were discussing. One mother started talking to me and I sat back down. I looked around the room and the fact that they were probably up to no good bothered no one but me.
As I talked to this mother, I learned that her son is the third child that she has been through rehab with. Her two older daughters were addicted to crack for many years. It's apparent that this family has dealt with lots of hurt through the years. I couldn't help but notice that the father was never there during family time either. I also couldn't help but disagree with this mother during our discussion time for allowing her son to go out with certain friends earlier that week to go see the movie, Paranormal Activity- A new movie that apparently just came out in the theater. Most people do not have a problem with this kind of thing, but I do. The title alone is enough for me. You let Satan in and he'll stay! You only have to invite him. She's not a Christian, so she's blinded by this sort of thing. It makes me feel sad for her whole family. They are lost. The absence of God in this home is evident and it's sad... This mother has no spiritual eyes nor ears and is blinded to the things that Satan uses to entrap her own children. I guess I also feel that giving him "permission" to hang out with the same ole friends to see the movie is just not a good decision on her part I don't think. BUT, because she doesn't have spiritual eyes she let him go. Also, perhaps she let him go because he'd earned some privileges at this point! I don't know... I guess if I'd heard that he snuck out and went.. that would be a totally different scenario all the way around!
Another family in IOP, well a mother and son... Did I mention that there were NO Dads there at all... Where are all the Dads anyway? That's a good question! It was this way in impatient rehab too! Anyway, this other poor mother is there alone with her son and she is struggling herself. She is a recovering alcoholic. She admitted to having a pretty bad weekend and said she needed to call her sponsor. I find it truly difficult to relate to her. I've never been in her shoes, but yet again another family unit that needs Christ. This mother needs Christ to overcome her own addictions before she can help her son. Thankfully, she's seeking help for the both of them.
I guess my point to all of this rambling is the fact that there is still a question in the back of my mind that no matter what I do or how many family sessions I go to, it's still there. My question is: "What Do We Do Next?" Nothing seems to fit for us. There seems to be no self help ideas out there for parents in our situation...
I believe that even more so, I've learned that until Stephan wants to make this work, it won't work. As for us? We just need to keep our roles as mom and dad. Richard does the discipline, I try my best to love on Stephan. Richard and I both must maintain good communication, which is sometimes hard to do when we disagree on something. Those are the hardest of times! We mostly need to keep praying and praying! I've read The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartain. I pray the prayers written in her book out loud! I make them personal and add some to them, making them even more personal. Every time I pray... God moves. I truly believe God's hand was upon Stormie when she wrote these books of hers. If you've never heard her testimony, you should look it up. I heard her give it in person at a Women of Faith Conference. It's amazing how God touched her life. Here's the book:
I sigh.... My heart is heavy. Richard and I had attended the Monday night Family Night Sessions. What we got was a little more of what we got when we were in Inpatient Treatment. We learned about body language, not yelling, leaning forward as you listen to someone, how to respond, how not to cuss! ...More about "feeling" words... We went around the room and spoke about situations in our home that cause arguments. We role played through a typical argument in our home that is something like-- Example: Stephan wants permission to go somewhere (before Rehab.) If he asked me for the permission, my response would always be that he would have to call his dad to get permission also. I didn't tell Stephan yes or no before calling Richard... Richard would be the one to give him permission, but then Stephan would have to give Richard the phone and speak directly to me to make sure I am on the same page with his decision! After this whole scene played out, the counselor told us we were a very functional family. We "are" pretty functional until Stephan does things that causes dysfunction in our home! If he would work with us, we could be pretty productive!
Well, what do you know.. the door bell just rang! Guess who? Unbelievable... as I am writing this, he comes home!
I went to the door, opened up the blinds to find him staring back at me with these goofy black glasses with no lenses in them and a quirky grin on his face. I told him he would have to wait till his dad got home to see if he could come in. His quirky grin disappeared, then he said, "I ain't doing that!" I just looked at him and he said, "Whatever..." and sat down on the step. He's still sitting there. I think he was somewhat shocked and he appeared to feel a little guilty. The longer he sits there he will conjure up a story of why he left and how it is all our fault, which will lesson his feelings of guilt. It's the way he operates. He's made his way to step number four again and leaving him on the steps seems to be my most reasonable choice right now.
Back to IOP- Last week, our counselor said these words to the group of boys during family time... "When you relapse..." Of course she finished the sentence, but when she said that I blurred the rest of her sentence! I thought, did she just say what I think she said? She did! Wait, we are paying you boo-coodles of money so that you can tell our kids that they will relapse ...and get sent back again? Dude, talk about job security!
Stephan and the other boys were also unattended during a break I noticed. I guessed that they are unattended during break the other three nights a week that we aren't there. As I sat there during this particular break and realized that they were unattended, I started to get up to go see what these boys were discussing. One mother started talking to me and I sat back down. I looked around the room and the fact that they were probably up to no good bothered no one but me.
As I talked to this mother, I learned that her son is the third child that she has been through rehab with. Her two older daughters were addicted to crack for many years. It's apparent that this family has dealt with lots of hurt through the years. I couldn't help but notice that the father was never there during family time either. I also couldn't help but disagree with this mother during our discussion time for allowing her son to go out with certain friends earlier that week to go see the movie, Paranormal Activity- A new movie that apparently just came out in the theater. Most people do not have a problem with this kind of thing, but I do. The title alone is enough for me. You let Satan in and he'll stay! You only have to invite him. She's not a Christian, so she's blinded by this sort of thing. It makes me feel sad for her whole family. They are lost. The absence of God in this home is evident and it's sad... This mother has no spiritual eyes nor ears and is blinded to the things that Satan uses to entrap her own children. I guess I also feel that giving him "permission" to hang out with the same ole friends to see the movie is just not a good decision on her part I don't think. BUT, because she doesn't have spiritual eyes she let him go. Also, perhaps she let him go because he'd earned some privileges at this point! I don't know... I guess if I'd heard that he snuck out and went.. that would be a totally different scenario all the way around!
Another family in IOP, well a mother and son... Did I mention that there were NO Dads there at all... Where are all the Dads anyway? That's a good question! It was this way in impatient rehab too! Anyway, this other poor mother is there alone with her son and she is struggling herself. She is a recovering alcoholic. She admitted to having a pretty bad weekend and said she needed to call her sponsor. I find it truly difficult to relate to her. I've never been in her shoes, but yet again another family unit that needs Christ. This mother needs Christ to overcome her own addictions before she can help her son. Thankfully, she's seeking help for the both of them.
I guess my point to all of this rambling is the fact that there is still a question in the back of my mind that no matter what I do or how many family sessions I go to, it's still there. My question is: "What Do We Do Next?" Nothing seems to fit for us. There seems to be no self help ideas out there for parents in our situation...
I believe that even more so, I've learned that until Stephan wants to make this work, it won't work. As for us? We just need to keep our roles as mom and dad. Richard does the discipline, I try my best to love on Stephan. Richard and I both must maintain good communication, which is sometimes hard to do when we disagree on something. Those are the hardest of times! We mostly need to keep praying and praying! I've read The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartain. I pray the prayers written in her book out loud! I make them personal and add some to them, making them even more personal. Every time I pray... God moves. I truly believe God's hand was upon Stormie when she wrote these books of hers. If you've never heard her testimony, you should look it up. I heard her give it in person at a Women of Faith Conference. It's amazing how God touched her life. Here's the book:
Well friends, if your child is in the same boat as Stephan or is anywhere near the boat he's in, I pray that God will give you peace and comfort during this time. I know... it's hard. Sometimes people tell me that I seem to be handling this well. All I can say is that it must be God's mighty hand holding me up. There are days I feel I'm in utter despair. I have faith and hope that God will see him through this and in return God will get all the glory for it all...
Blessings,
Christel
