Defining 'Successful Parenting'
by Tim Sanford
Many people believe every parent's job is to make sure his or her children turn out "right." Even though most of us don't quite know what that standard means, we feel obliged to meet it.
But if it were true, it would mean God messed up.
In Genesis we read about a place called the Garden of Eden. It was a perfect environment, "a perfect "home."
In this perfect place there were two perfect people — God's children, Adam and Eve. Wouldn't that be nice to have perfect children?
And there was a perfect God — the perfect parent.
There was also a rule: "You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die" (Genesis 2:17).
You've probably heard the rest of the story.
Adam and Eve chose foolishly, defying what God had told them. Our human decay and ultimate death are stark reminders of that wrong choice — made by perfect people in a perfect environment with a perfect parent.
So what did God do wrong? If He "trained them in the way they should go," why did Adam and Eve choose the other option? If Proverbs 22:6 is a guarantee of success for parents, why wasn't it a guarantee for the Author of the Book?
Enter free will.
I'm talking about a God-given freedom to choose — part of being created in His image. Adam and Eve exercised it, and your teenagers exercise it today.
"But I want them to turn out right," you say.
Yes. I agree with you. But that's not your job.
"But I want the best for them, for their sakes."
I won't argue with that. But it's still not your job to make sure they do.
If controlling your teenager isn't your job, what is?
This article series will help answer that question.
We need to figure out what your real calling is — to help you stop doing what isn't your assignment. A blurry job description makes it easy to wander into the over controlling side of the delicate balance between control and influence.
Your essential task depends on whether you're a mom or a dad. If that sounds like stereotyping, bear with me. I'm not talking about aprons and rolling pins and dragging cavewomen by the hair. I'm talking about doing what you tend to do best, and what your teen tends to need most from you. (end of article)
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Me again: Before reading the links below, back to the reason for this article. Perfect Parenting... God is perfect and is a perfect Father, yet we mess up everyday. Is it his fault? No, it's our own and it is called freedom of choice! We do not choose for our children to sin, nor do we encourage it! If you are a parent trying different tactics with your child, using discipline to teach and train and encouragment to lift their self esteem, then you are doing all you can do... just keep doing it!
http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/real_job_of_dads.aspx
http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/real_job_of_moms.aspx
http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/how_much_validation_and_nurturing.aspx
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Despair
Since my last post, Stephan's behavior has escalated out of control.... Although we are parents who require respect, we haven't received any from our son. We have found through this downward spiral of crisis that we "can" require it, but it's his choice to give it. When he doesn't, he faces consequences... Honestly, and I can't believe it's come to this, but we have no more consequences to draw out of the hat with which to sentence him with!!! We have drawn our last straw and we are at the bottom of the barrel...
He had another wreck a few weeks ago. He ran up on a curb and busted both tires on one side of his vehicle because he was drunk! Since then, he hasn't had transportation!! We suspended his insurance, took the tag off etc. That same day, he also took off and went with friends to a Tuscaloosa- four hours away! Three days later he finally contacts us wanting to come home. We didn't even consider it, although we knew he was hungry and was staying with a stranger... Actually, an Alabama Football player who was trying to get rid of Stephan. Richard told him, "You got there... get back the best way you know how! He did get back, and was wearing the underwear of a football player who's name I won't mention, but this guy weighs about 250 pounds more than Stephan and my only thought was- Why even wear them when they don't stay on?? I wished I'd kept those underwear. This guy is being recruited to play in the NFL and his underwear might have been worth all my pain and suffering....
I read a story once, of two girls running away together. Both eventually wanted to come home and called their parents. One set of parents sent their daughter plane tickets, the other set told their daughter that they would provide half of the money she needed for a bus ticket, but she would have to earn the rest. She did... Both girls returned home. The one girl who's parents paid her way continued to rebel and run away... The other girl never did! I know both sets of parents loved their daughters equally. But just as I've said in a previous post, there are parents who continue to bail their children out and they never learn from their mistakes. Sometimes tough love causes teens to have to take responsibility for their own actions! Sometimes Mama's want to go and rescue their babies, and part of me did, but I also knew he would take advantage of us more than he already does and he would never learn from this mistake. He did come home! He made it!! He found a way! I hoped that he would have changed.... I think in some senses, he did, but not enough to drop the drug habit.
Several days have passed: He didn't come home again the other night. My husband had already told Stephan that if this happened again and we continued to find drugs that he would have to consider telling Stephan that he will have to live somewhere else. We have rules... plus, we will not allow our son to blatantly sin right in front of our eyes!! We can not commend this type of behavior! We love our son and we want to help him!!! We love him with all our hearts!!
These were two things we discussed: Watching him sin/ and forcing him to get help!
On watching him sin: As Christian parents, we know he's smoking cigarettes on our property and know that he is doing drugs. We never see it, (except for the cigarettes... sometimes do get a whiff of that) but never see drug use except empty wrappers, or cellophane... We see behavior and.. he can not pass a drug test! He stays up all night and wants to sleep till noon, but I do pester him until he's up!! Since we do not want him sinning, we want him healthy and we love him, we discussed asking him if he could follow these certain set of rules that we would go over with him... 1)He would be given the choice to either live with us and follow our rules or live somewhere else! 2)We discussed the fact that as of right now, he can not financially support himself if he did live outside our home, so... he would be forced to come home eventually (and be glad to abide by our rules) after finding out what living on his own has to offer!!! That was a hard decision! He has a job, but not enough for an apartment. Leaving our home means him possibly living with other druggies, just livin' it up, so to speak while sinking deeper into quicksand. OR does it mean realizing, "Gosh, living at home under mom and dad's rules is a whole lot better than living with these people struggling to buy food or winding up in jail!!" That's where he's headed... if things don't change.
Forcing him to get help: We have gone over this one over and over. Stephan has been accessed by a counselor and we were making steps to get him counseling! Stephan said he was NOT going and we couldn't force him! We can't drag him to the car.... Our conclusion was that he won't be successful getting the help he needs until he realizes he needs help and is willing to help himself!
That, unfortunately is the cold, hard facts! Most people forced into rehab relapse within months! -so I've read. May not be completely true, but I'm new at all this...
Well, with this said, last Sunday night after not coming home (again,) Richard gave Stephan the option to stay here and let us help him. He would have to follow our rules... all of them! (No drugs, cigarettes, cell phone, till he earns it back, no car until he earns the money needed for insurance, no friends because 99% of them are drug users. He would work his job, earn money... Richard had arranged mission work for him to do. He would work helping shut-in's and work at our church helping our maintenance guy... our church is huge and so this would be a major help to Dewayne!! Dewayne agreed... He would work his regular job and for his mission work with the shut-in's and helping Dewayne, we would donate $10.00 an hour toward his car insurance! We thought this would give Stephan a feeling of accomplishment and also feel good helping those in need. He turned it down!...
Richard lovingly helped him pack and he's been staying with a friend/drug user!
Stephan lied this this boy's mother, which is why she's even allowing him to stay!
All I know is I am praying for Stephan diligently daily! I pray he will find that he cannot support himself, that he will realize that life is not all about a "high." I hope he realizes that drugs are a dead-end street! I hope this helps him find purpose!!
The only thing I can think of after this.... if this doesn't work... is turning him in! Lord, I pray we don't have to do that! Please guide us and lead us... please help our son return to you! You are his only salvation! Let him experience your love and see you in some way today. Let him see your undeniable power in his life.
He had another wreck a few weeks ago. He ran up on a curb and busted both tires on one side of his vehicle because he was drunk! Since then, he hasn't had transportation!! We suspended his insurance, took the tag off etc. That same day, he also took off and went with friends to a Tuscaloosa- four hours away! Three days later he finally contacts us wanting to come home. We didn't even consider it, although we knew he was hungry and was staying with a stranger... Actually, an Alabama Football player who was trying to get rid of Stephan. Richard told him, "You got there... get back the best way you know how! He did get back, and was wearing the underwear of a football player who's name I won't mention, but this guy weighs about 250 pounds more than Stephan and my only thought was- Why even wear them when they don't stay on?? I wished I'd kept those underwear. This guy is being recruited to play in the NFL and his underwear might have been worth all my pain and suffering....
I read a story once, of two girls running away together. Both eventually wanted to come home and called their parents. One set of parents sent their daughter plane tickets, the other set told their daughter that they would provide half of the money she needed for a bus ticket, but she would have to earn the rest. She did... Both girls returned home. The one girl who's parents paid her way continued to rebel and run away... The other girl never did! I know both sets of parents loved their daughters equally. But just as I've said in a previous post, there are parents who continue to bail their children out and they never learn from their mistakes. Sometimes tough love causes teens to have to take responsibility for their own actions! Sometimes Mama's want to go and rescue their babies, and part of me did, but I also knew he would take advantage of us more than he already does and he would never learn from this mistake. He did come home! He made it!! He found a way! I hoped that he would have changed.... I think in some senses, he did, but not enough to drop the drug habit.
Several days have passed: He didn't come home again the other night. My husband had already told Stephan that if this happened again and we continued to find drugs that he would have to consider telling Stephan that he will have to live somewhere else. We have rules... plus, we will not allow our son to blatantly sin right in front of our eyes!! We can not commend this type of behavior! We love our son and we want to help him!!! We love him with all our hearts!!
These were two things we discussed: Watching him sin/ and forcing him to get help!
On watching him sin: As Christian parents, we know he's smoking cigarettes on our property and know that he is doing drugs. We never see it, (except for the cigarettes... sometimes do get a whiff of that) but never see drug use except empty wrappers, or cellophane... We see behavior and.. he can not pass a drug test! He stays up all night and wants to sleep till noon, but I do pester him until he's up!! Since we do not want him sinning, we want him healthy and we love him, we discussed asking him if he could follow these certain set of rules that we would go over with him... 1)He would be given the choice to either live with us and follow our rules or live somewhere else! 2)We discussed the fact that as of right now, he can not financially support himself if he did live outside our home, so... he would be forced to come home eventually (and be glad to abide by our rules) after finding out what living on his own has to offer!!! That was a hard decision! He has a job, but not enough for an apartment. Leaving our home means him possibly living with other druggies, just livin' it up, so to speak while sinking deeper into quicksand. OR does it mean realizing, "Gosh, living at home under mom and dad's rules is a whole lot better than living with these people struggling to buy food or winding up in jail!!" That's where he's headed... if things don't change.
Forcing him to get help: We have gone over this one over and over. Stephan has been accessed by a counselor and we were making steps to get him counseling! Stephan said he was NOT going and we couldn't force him! We can't drag him to the car.... Our conclusion was that he won't be successful getting the help he needs until he realizes he needs help and is willing to help himself!
That, unfortunately is the cold, hard facts! Most people forced into rehab relapse within months! -so I've read. May not be completely true, but I'm new at all this...
Well, with this said, last Sunday night after not coming home (again,) Richard gave Stephan the option to stay here and let us help him. He would have to follow our rules... all of them! (No drugs, cigarettes, cell phone, till he earns it back, no car until he earns the money needed for insurance, no friends because 99% of them are drug users. He would work his job, earn money... Richard had arranged mission work for him to do. He would work helping shut-in's and work at our church helping our maintenance guy... our church is huge and so this would be a major help to Dewayne!! Dewayne agreed... He would work his regular job and for his mission work with the shut-in's and helping Dewayne, we would donate $10.00 an hour toward his car insurance! We thought this would give Stephan a feeling of accomplishment and also feel good helping those in need. He turned it down!...
Richard lovingly helped him pack and he's been staying with a friend/drug user!
Stephan lied this this boy's mother, which is why she's even allowing him to stay!
All I know is I am praying for Stephan diligently daily! I pray he will find that he cannot support himself, that he will realize that life is not all about a "high." I hope he realizes that drugs are a dead-end street! I hope this helps him find purpose!!
The only thing I can think of after this.... if this doesn't work... is turning him in! Lord, I pray we don't have to do that! Please guide us and lead us... please help our son return to you! You are his only salvation! Let him experience your love and see you in some way today. Let him see your undeniable power in his life.
Stages and Warning Signs of Substance Abuse
Stages and Warning Signs of Substance Abuse:
Experts in adolescent substance problems have identified a common progression of alcohol- and drug-related behaviors that moves from bad to worse.
While it is not a foregone conclusion that everyone who experiments with drugs will progress to the worst stages of involvement, a child can incur a lot of damage before parents or others notice that something is wrong. Secretive adolescent behavior and skillful lying, combined with parental denial ("No one in our family could have a drug problem!"), may delay identification of the problem. While paranoia and daily inquisitions around the breakfast table are counterproductive, wise parents will keep their eyes and ears open and promptly take action if they see any signs that a problem may be developing.
Stage one: Experimentation — entering the drug gateway
Characteristics:
•Use is occasional, sporadic, often unplanned — weekends, summer nights, unsupervised parties.
•Use is precipitated by peer pressure, curiosity, thrill-seeking, desire to look and feel grown-up.
•Gateway drugs are usually used — cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, possibly inhalants.
•A drug high is easier to experience because tolerance has not been developed.
Parents may notice:
•Tobacco or alcohol on the breath or intoxicated behavior.
•Little change in normal behavior between episodes of drug use.
Stage two: More regular drug use — leaving the land of the living
Characteristics:
•Alcohol and other drugs are used not only on weekends but also on weekdays, and not only with friends but when alone.
•Quantities of alcohol and drugs increase as tolerance develops; hangovers become more common.
•Blackouts — periods of time in which drugs or alcohol prevent normal memories from forming — may occur. "What happened last night?" becomes a frequent question.
•More time and attention are focused on when the next drug experience will occur.
•Fellow drinkers/drug users become preferred companions.
Parents may notice:
•A son or daughter will be out of the house later at night, overnight or all weekend.
•Unexplained school absences and deteriorating school performance.
•Outside activities such as sports are dropped.
•Decreased contact with friends who don't use drugs.
•Disappearance of money or other valuables.
•Withdrawal from the family, and an increasingly sullen and hostile attitude.
•The user is caught in one or many lies.
Stage three: Waist deep in the mire of addiction — and sinking
Characteristics:
•Alcohol and drugs become the primary focus of attention.
•Becoming high is a daily event.
•A willingness to try more dangerous drugs or combinations of drugs.
•More money is spent each week on drugs. Theft or dealing may become part of drug-seeking behavior.
•Increasing social isolation and loss of contact with non-drug-using friends. More drug use in isolation, rather than at parties or with other users.
Parents may notice the behaviors listed earlier, plus:
•Escalation of conflicts at home.
•Loss of nearly all control of the adolescent.
•Possible discovery of a stash of drugs at home.
•Arrest(s) for possession of and/or dealing drugs or for driving while intoxicated.
Stage four: Drowning in addiction
Characteristics:
•Constant state of intoxication. Being high or stoned is routine, even at school or a job (if the user even bothers to attend).
•Blackouts increase in frequency.
•Physical appearance deteriorates, with noticeable weight loss, infection, and overall poor self-care.
•Injectable drugs may be part of the user's routine.
•Involvement in casual sexual relationships, at times in exchange for drugs.
•User will likely be involved with theft, dealing and other criminal activity.
•Guilt, self-hatred and thoughts of suicide increase.
Parents are likely to deal with:
•Complete loss of control of adolescent's behavior and escalation of conflict, possibly to the point of violence.
•Ongoing denial by the user that drugs are a problem.
•Increasing problems with the law and time spent with police, attorneys, hearings, court officials, etc.
•Other siblings negatively affected because the family is preoccupied or overwhelmed by consequences of the drug user's behavior.
This descent into drug hell is a nightmare that no parent envisions while rocking a newborn baby or escorting an eager 5-year-old to kindergarten. But it can happen in any neighborhood, any church, any family, even when parents have provided a stable and loving home environment. In fact, it is often in such homes that a drug problem goes undetected until it's reached an advanced and dangerous stage. This can't be happening; not in my house! But if it does, parental guilt, anger and depression can undermine the responses necessary to restore order.
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
While it is not a foregone conclusion that everyone who experiments with drugs will progress to the worst stages of involvement, a child can incur a lot of damage before parents or others notice that something is wrong. Secretive adolescent behavior and skillful lying, combined with parental denial ("No one in our family could have a drug problem!"), may delay identification of the problem. While paranoia and daily inquisitions around the breakfast table are counterproductive, wise parents will keep their eyes and ears open and promptly take action if they see any signs that a problem may be developing.
Stage one: Experimentation — entering the drug gateway
Characteristics:
•Use is occasional, sporadic, often unplanned — weekends, summer nights, unsupervised parties.
•Use is precipitated by peer pressure, curiosity, thrill-seeking, desire to look and feel grown-up.
•Gateway drugs are usually used — cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, possibly inhalants.
•A drug high is easier to experience because tolerance has not been developed.
Parents may notice:
•Tobacco or alcohol on the breath or intoxicated behavior.
•Little change in normal behavior between episodes of drug use.
Stage two: More regular drug use — leaving the land of the living
Characteristics:
•Alcohol and other drugs are used not only on weekends but also on weekdays, and not only with friends but when alone.
•Quantities of alcohol and drugs increase as tolerance develops; hangovers become more common.
•Blackouts — periods of time in which drugs or alcohol prevent normal memories from forming — may occur. "What happened last night?" becomes a frequent question.
•More time and attention are focused on when the next drug experience will occur.
•Fellow drinkers/drug users become preferred companions.
Parents may notice:
•A son or daughter will be out of the house later at night, overnight or all weekend.
•Unexplained school absences and deteriorating school performance.
•Outside activities such as sports are dropped.
•Decreased contact with friends who don't use drugs.
•Disappearance of money or other valuables.
•Withdrawal from the family, and an increasingly sullen and hostile attitude.
•The user is caught in one or many lies.
Stage three: Waist deep in the mire of addiction — and sinking
Characteristics:
•Alcohol and drugs become the primary focus of attention.
•Becoming high is a daily event.
•A willingness to try more dangerous drugs or combinations of drugs.
•More money is spent each week on drugs. Theft or dealing may become part of drug-seeking behavior.
•Increasing social isolation and loss of contact with non-drug-using friends. More drug use in isolation, rather than at parties or with other users.
Parents may notice the behaviors listed earlier, plus:
•Escalation of conflicts at home.
•Loss of nearly all control of the adolescent.
•Possible discovery of a stash of drugs at home.
•Arrest(s) for possession of and/or dealing drugs or for driving while intoxicated.
Stage four: Drowning in addiction
Characteristics:
•Constant state of intoxication. Being high or stoned is routine, even at school or a job (if the user even bothers to attend).
•Blackouts increase in frequency.
•Physical appearance deteriorates, with noticeable weight loss, infection, and overall poor self-care.
•Injectable drugs may be part of the user's routine.
•Involvement in casual sexual relationships, at times in exchange for drugs.
•User will likely be involved with theft, dealing and other criminal activity.
•Guilt, self-hatred and thoughts of suicide increase.
Parents are likely to deal with:
•Complete loss of control of adolescent's behavior and escalation of conflict, possibly to the point of violence.
•Ongoing denial by the user that drugs are a problem.
•Increasing problems with the law and time spent with police, attorneys, hearings, court officials, etc.
•Other siblings negatively affected because the family is preoccupied or overwhelmed by consequences of the drug user's behavior.
This descent into drug hell is a nightmare that no parent envisions while rocking a newborn baby or escorting an eager 5-year-old to kindergarten. But it can happen in any neighborhood, any church, any family, even when parents have provided a stable and loving home environment. In fact, it is often in such homes that a drug problem goes undetected until it's reached an advanced and dangerous stage. This can't be happening; not in my house! But if it does, parental guilt, anger and depression can undermine the responses necessary to restore order.
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
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