What We Learned From Rehab

I think for most parents sending your child to rehab is a last
resort. You do this when you feel you've tried everything you know to try- and
then some! Some parents send their child to rehab the very first time they find
a can of beer in their room or car. I could not be sure your child was an
addict at that point, maybe just plain curious, but that decision is yours for
the making. There is no right or wrong time to send your child to rehab if you
feel your child is addicted; that I've learned for sure. One thing I did learn
is this: If we had sent Stephan to rehab months ago when we almost did send him, (then he ran
away from home right before we were supposed to leave to go)... He wouldn't
have been open to learning anything at all being forced to go! Now, your child
may do better in this setting... They may only go if you force them! What it
all boils down to is that- if your child is willing to work the plan it will
work... if not, it won't! That’s the facts.

Mothers especially feel a drawn to do SOMETHING; to fix the situation! Since our
child's birth, we've nourished, clothed, kissed boo boos, dried tears, stopped
temper tantrums with just the sound of our voices, etc. On the other hand, when
our child is in tears, needs a boo boo kissed, hungry, tired or sleepy, who do
they come too? They come to Mommy. We are also wired to step in and protect our
child with every fiber of our being! When someone else's child is bullying our
child on the playground, our mommy claws emerge... and let me say... mommy
claws are… not… good!

When our child grows into young adulthood, mothers have a hard time transitioning
from nurturer/protector to an assistant. We have a hard time letting go and
letting the child we've protected all these years step out and do things on
their own. It's especially hard to watch them fail and learn from their
mistakes. We still want to teach and train when they mess up.. we still want to
protect and will go at any lengths to do so. Fact is, they've been taught and
trained! Now, I'm not saying that we stop teaching all together, I love having
meaningful conversations with both my boys, but it's time for it to take on a
new meaning, let go and see how they will handle life using the tools you've
given them all these years!

It's such a great and wonderful thing to experience your 18 year old coming to
you for advice on dating and marriage, or advice on anything for that matter!
It's so awesome to hear his thoughts on being pure and not getting into
tempting situations. It's a stupendous thing when he tells you he wants to be
on the mission field and you see him serving in different countries. It is a
humbling thing when you watch him take off his purity ring at 20 years of age and
hand it to his dad right before his new wife puts his wedding band on his
finger for the first time on his wedding day.

I have to ask myself if we did anything right as parents... We did! Did we make
mistakes?... We did! Do I give myself all the credit for my oldest son living
his life in submission to the Lord? Absolutely not! I thank God that Brandon
chose to absorb what we taught and trained through the years and that he built
upon the foundations laid before him. I praise God for salvation through Jesus
and the Holy Spirit in my life that changed "me" and gave Richard and
I wisdom to pour at least a few good things into our children, because HE is
good... we are nothing at all without Him!

Stephan chose the things he chose because "he" decided not to allow
God to give him power over sin. He decided to walk in disobedience. He knows
God, but doesn't follow Him. Brandon could have chosen the same route.

Stephan is such a leader! He's unbelievable....He's so personable and has such a candid personality. He's real... He's funny as mess! That's a phrase he uses! : ) Everybody likes him and he never meets a
stranger. Plus, he's just plain out handsome! If he lets God get ahold of him
we better watch out! He could make a huge impact for the Kingdom of God!
Huge.... !

So, we were scheduled to be at the Rehab facility the first week Stephan was there. We were there Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all day each day from 8:30- 3:00! I was so excited. I was so ready to go to my first meeting that day. I knew we were going to learn so much over the course of these three days and have so much to chew on! We were going to have answers to our "most asked" questions and "How To's" on things we didn't know "how to do." We were going to leave knowing exactly how to assist Stephan once he got home. We were going to have a full basket of knowledge, so to speak, of tools we could use in assisting Stephan in making life choices to help him turn his life around for the better. We would be able to make sense of possible things we needed to change as parents, tactics we could use concerning boundaries etc...

OH, this was going to be great!

We got there, signed in and were seated. The lady who spoke was a former
addict. I thought this is awesome, at least we're hearing from somebody who knows
what she's talking about! We sat and learned about addictive personalities, we
learned about addiction and why it's called a disease. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I think it's called sin... However, we heard testimonials from people who've been through rehab and now are helping others. That was really encouraging.

A doctor spoke who is also a former addict who taught us more on
the "disease." We did learn a few things that day! I was really looking forward to
Tuesday. We were going to learn about “enabling” the addict. I just knew that
Tuesday we may learn some new things... This was going to be the day for us!

Tuesday came... In group, all the parents sat around in a circle this time.
After everyone was introduced, I finally found that Richard and I were the only couple in there that were still married and were also the biological parents of our child. There were so many grandparents there with grandchildren. For that, I felt sad...

One couple, in there "were" the biological parents, but were divorced from one another and both were
currently remarried. There was another couple in there, currently divorced with
the step-mom sitting between them. There were a few single moms and spouses of
adults currently in the program. There was one single lady who just could not
stop crying. She had just found out her son was a user one week prior to being
there. She was in bad shape... I really felt so bad for her. She reminded me of myself when I first found out. As she spoke, she focused a lot on how much she loved her child. Her love for him was apparent, but she also admitted that she just couldn't say no to him. She admitted that her husband was also an addict presently and that he didn't even know she was there in rehab with their son.
She couldn't believe that she hadn't noticed any of the signs her son was using, but also said that she doesn't see him much due to working 12 hour shifts.

One lady spoke up and said her son was 21 and was crying as she expressed the fact that she didn't even know him. I couldn't help but wonder why... Did he live apart from her?

One set of grandparents were there because the parents couldn't come because they couldn't get off work. It saddened me that the parents, or at least one of them couldn't make being at rehab with their child a priority. One mother there really burdened me... you see, she was there with her child, but she herself was addicted to pain, she liked to burn herself.

My heart was stirring so much inside for my own son that day and I felt as if I was in the midst of people that needed so much healing in their lives as much as their children did! I was surrounded by so many hurting people and people whose lives were in a mess. They needed Jesus in a bad kind of way....

I did get to share with one mother and a grandmother during the course of these sessions, which was awesome, but it was just so discouraging to see families in such disarray...

The reason I even mention the atmosphere we were in is to say this- and because of what happened next and during the course of the next day. As I mentioned before, Tuesday's session was on enabling your child or doing things as a parent to support your child's drug use. (Ex: Not saying no, giving them money, no boundaries, no rules, children that are left to fend for themselves, no curfews, no family time.... and the list goes on.)

We sat in there while a few counselors and psychologists spoke on how parents
enable and don't even know they are doing it. We sat and listened to story after story as the parents in the room spoke and during this time, they were also learning so much for themselves by being there. I know this could sound bad, but I don't mean for it too, but I really didn't feel this was new news to us! As the psychologist spoke, lights were going on all over the room!
All this was really "new news" to most of them! One dad said that he had never heard his 18 year old son say, "I love you." Sadly, I wondered if his son had heard it himself, so that he could reply in the same manner. I scolded myself for thinking that....! I shouldn't do that! I think my frustrations were beginning to build. Then I thought to myself.. ok, tomorrow we are learning to get a family plan... Tomorrow will be good! Wednesday is going to be a game changer!

Well, Wednesday is the day that I was not a very happy person. We were taken by another
therapist to a conference room and as she wrote on a dry erase board, we learned
about “parenting” and "communication" with your child. On the communication part
she was talking about yelling, cussing, our body language, how to listen and act
interested in what another person is saying, not looking around while someone
is talking, taking your child seriously, how to interact and use "feeling" words. You know, I truly hope this doesn't sound bad.... or arrogant..... but this is not what I needed! I honestly thought I may throw up I was so mad inside. You have to also understand that I am not a temperamental person... at all. My facial expressions to not give me away usually! If something is bothering me with what you are saying -you'd never know!

Nothing was bothering me with "what" the therapist was saying at all! I was in
total agreement with everything she said!!!! It's just that this was what was going
through my mind and I'm just being honest:

I thought- I know I'm not a perfect parent by ANY stretch of the imagination,
but if I am in a room full of people that are learning to parent for the first
time in their lives- who haven't practiced parenting at all--all these years- then no WONDER your child is on drugs! Ok, I scolded myself again!!! But then, my next thought -(while I'm already living in the flesh)- was: WHY is my child on drugs??? Richard and I have done these things that we are "learning" to do. I want to know what's next... for US! What do we do when WE get home.... What in the world is next???? HELP me for goodness sake!!! I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry, run out of the room and go throw up! I think I already said the part about throwing up earlier.

During her lecture, I was like a simmering volcano ready to erupt at any
moment, so was Richard! Again, not at what she was teaching, but that she was having to teach this! Aren't we supposed to be learning stuff we can do after all of our parenting techniques have failed? At the same time, I truly did not want to make the lady who spoke think she wasn't doing a good job... she really was doing a great job... it just wasn't what we needed. I felt defeated...

After this, we took a much needed break and she grabbed my arm as I walked out the door. I thought, Oh dear Lord, maybe I hadn't hid my emotions very well and she was going to ask me to leave!! : ) To my relief, she said, "You guys have been dealing with this for quite a
long time haven't you?" I looked right into her eyes as she still held my arm and I replied with a choked up, teared-up, "yes, we have, It's been about three years now." She said she could see the numbness in my face. When she said that, I felt as if she understood us. I think she knew
that we were not gaining any ground and felt our silent desperation. I was able
to talk to her about our relationship with Stephan some and felt that she
understood, but still ... My feelings of desperation were still there, but she knew it. I guess just her knowing it made me emotionally able to continue. I

After the break, we had lunch with our children! I finally got to see Stephan
and hug him! : ) We ate lunch and after lunch we talked about "The Family
Plan!" My volcano was in remission by this point with our one on one therapist, but I just went with the flow.

Every family had homework the night before and each parent and each child
had to answer 11 questions. They were all the same questions, but we read them
aloud. All around me I saw progress being made. That made me happy. I saw relationships building, hearts mending and communication going on perhaps for the first time ever. When our turn was all over the therapist commented on our family and "that she could see that we had very healthy communication with one another." We thanked her... I also think that Stephan really learned some things through the exercise... especially in controlling his anger and his tongue. That was progress!

Everybody broke up into individual groups and met with their personal
counselor. Before ours got to our table we were given a packet and this… was
the family plan. We opened it.~

This was the moment I had been waiting for.... This was the
packet that was going to change the history of our family as we currently know
it! This plan was going to be the climactic ending of despair and the beginning of hope...
Now that we'd learned to Parent, we were finally to next step! This step was going to tell me
EXACTLY what needs to happen NEXT when Stephan gets home and an effective way to
assist him in succeeding! This was the NEXT I was waiting for!! It went something like this: Drumroll please.......................

#1) CURFEWS- I _______________ agree to a curfew of _________ each night during
the week and __________ on the weekends. If I do not abide by this contract
this will be the course of action taken by _____________ my guardians.
1)- If I come in late one night, I will have to be home one hour earlier the
next night.
2) -If I come home late two nights in a row, I will have to be home two hours
earlier the next night.
3)-If I come home late three nights in a row, I will get all media taken away
from me for one week. This includes: ( I Pods, I-Pads, video games, computer,
TV, radio, etc.)

The list went on to discuss: Chores, homework, grades, school attendance,
phone, cell phone, peer relations... the last one... bedtime all in the three strikes you're out formality!

Alrighty then, -My volcano was simmering again..... My volcano was about to erupt!!! I thought, are you kidding me???? Stephan HAS a stinkin' curfew!!! But... not that he ever abided by it! Before Rehab, if he didn't want to come home, he didn't! We finally kicked him out... twice!
What I want to know is step FOUR!!!!

They want me to take away his "media?" MEDIA??  This is a child that has had everything taken away from him except his underwear!!! He's lucky to have had them- I just didn't want to see his naked butt! Not taking them away was for my benefit, not his! We've took his car, cancelled the insurance TWICE for months each time! When we kicked him out he didn't have a car! I felt as if we were waaaaaaaay past what this Family Plan contract was asking us to do! What do you do when they don't come home and don't call and you have no idea where they are.... What do we do then? Take his
"media" away?

Our counselor finally came to our table and I'm usually not one
to speak when I'm angry, but I DID!!! I surprised even myself! I think Richard was
surprised at me too. I just began to speak, point and tell her our situation of how we've done this, this, this, and that. Stephan had defiled, this, this, this and then some....!!  I explained to her where we were and this plan is basically too elementary for our situation. I also told her that our family has no communication bearers. We talk to Stephan from everything from socks to sex! I told her that he has no problem talking to us either. I told her about kicking him out and that Richard
and I both had called the authorities on him on two separate occasions. I was
trying my best to inform her of the severity and high intensity of things at home and what we have
done to cut it off at the pass and in having already done all these things, nothing works! It doesn't work because Stephan defies all the rules.

Richard chimed in and said that he really appreciated all that they are doing there, but that we had taken nothing from Rehab this week that we can effectively use in our home or situation. She spoke up and asked who bailed Stephan out when we he was in jail! I really think she thought we did!

I told her that a friend of his did and that we later confronted him and told
this friend it was none of his business. She looked at Richard and I both and
said that it really appeared that we had done everything right! That should make me feel good right? It didn't.... we were leaving with no tools, no basket of knowledge... We left with nothing....

Fear welled up within me! I didn't want Stephan to know this, but I was so afraid of him coming home. All these "what ifs" started popping in my brain like a pot of popcorn popping ferociously without a lid!

The Lord calmed my fears and I cried when I got home. I hadn't cried in such a long
time. It had been too long. I “had” grown numb... My strength should be coming from the Lord and I
was a big, ole, ball bag, volcano erupting on everyone! It felt good actually.

The day was drawing near to bring him home and we were planning some kind of trip or something to surprise him with instead of going straight home.

On a positive note: Stephan left rehab sober and with a desire to stay
that way. We took him camping the day he got out of Rehab. It was a very fun
relaxing trip to say the least! Brandon and Ellie went too. Stephan looked so good. He had gained 20 pounds. He was his old self and it felt really good to be a family again.

Day by day I know that I can't protect him. I can't fight his
battles for him no matter how big my mommy claws are! This is his battle and
we've been there for him for three years. We will continue to be there for him.
My prayer is that he will now take the tools he’s learned, because he did learn lots of things. I pray that he will not see us as his enemy, but that he will let us assist him in this journey.

Looking back, we “have” set boundaries. We "have" done some right things... Not perfectly I might add, but we've done a lot of right things. We came up with our own family plan moving forward. It is a lot longer and more in depth that the one in Rehab… I also have to remember that Stephan's fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers of darkness.... He also wrestles with his own sinful desires to cope with life’s problems with drugs. I have learned that this is ”his” battle and it will be won.... If he fights it! It’s icing on the cake if he lets us help him.

So, long story short. Stephan got a lot from Rehab and he did
take many tools away from there. He has a bag full. I hope he will continue
putting them to use. We are going to Intensive Outpatient Treatment four nights
a week for the next five weeks. Stephan and I are studying the Bible and
praying together each day. He worked with an electrician friend of ours today
and is wanting a job somewhere.... We plan to put in more applications next
week. We are trudging along and it's good........

Stephan passed his first drug test last night at IOP…. I was so
proud! He looks so good!I just have to keep on praying...