Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday night and I've talked to him almost everyday. I think I mentioned that he had worked in some one's yard, which gave him a little money. I tried to be excited and proud of him over the phone- although my heart is hurting as I desperately cry out to the Lord to save him from this pit he's in.
I think about things from his perspective sometimes and try to imagine where he is. I imagine myself having no car, because my parents won't let me drive it. I would think about the three car accidents I've already been in- and because of my current drug and alcohol use and safety for me and others is the reasons behind why my parents won't let me drive it. Would I really understand that as a teen? Maybe not... Would I care that they care about me so much? Probably so...
I imagine myself having no cell phone, because my parents say that now that I'm 19 I need to pay 15.00 a month to have it. I don't have a job!! How do they expect me to do that? Would I think my parents were being too hard on me? Maybe...
Would I think they were trying to push me to take responsibility for my own life? Definitely! Would I like it? Probably not... Would I understand all that as a teen? At 19 years of age... Probably would, but I still wouldn't like it!
I imagine being on drugs and thinking I couldn't live without them. It's how I cope! I use drugs when I'm depressed to get me through the day and I use drugs to celebrate when good things come my way! I also imagine being told you couldn't live in your home with no car and no phone. I can imagine it's a lonely feeling.
I hate that my son feels this way. It breaks my heart... I remind myself that I didn't cause his current situation and I can't cure it! I don't care what kind of sin "anyone" is wrapped up in. The "root" to the whole problem is one's relationship with God! I am convinced of that. It's the "root" to all MY problems! I'd hate to think of where I'd be today if it weren't for the Lord Jesus Christ! Well, to be honest, I'd be a single mother at the age of 19, because Richard and I would have divorced! Stephan would not have even existed! Because I was saved when I was 14, I really believe God had his hand on me to get me through one of the darkest times in my life! God answered my prayers you see, and Richard met Jesus when he was 23!! I rededicated my life to Him at that time -at the age of 21. Richard and I started walking with the Lord and He rebuilt our marriage and kept on building! He hasn't stopped!
I believe that God had a hand on our lives to allow our marriage to last long enough to bring Stephan into this world for lots of reasons! I've told Stephan many times that God has plans for his life! When Stephan was about 10, Richard went to this shoe store down town to have the soles of his shoes fixed. Working in this shoe store was one Christian, black man. He was the owner and the only employee. He and Richard began to talk and realized they had a kindred spirit, the Holy Spirit. He and Richard had "church" for a little while. They talked about God and all His goodness. Then, the man saw Stephan and put his hand upon his little, blond head and said that he was special. He said, "there's just something about this boy... he's special." He said that God told him that!
Stephan is special. "Stephan" is the only one who doesn't realize it yet. He sees himself as a screw up! Yes, he's said that to me on several occasions... I read something this morning that made me smile. I'll share it: It's from David Jeremiah-
("Some lessons can only be learned in failure, and a day is never lost -if a lesson is learned.")
This is so true! If we never try, we can never fail and if we never fail, we will never change... If we never try in the first place, we'll never be successful at anything! - I made that one up myself! : )
Stephan actually called "us" last night! It's been one week to the day... He's been living with Caleb and his parents. He told me he wanted to come home. When he first said this, I just sighed! I asked him if Caleb's parents were kicking him out. He said, "no, it's all Gucci here! I just wanna get things right! I want to find a job and all that." I reminded him of the rules here which included- no Caleb, no other friends, NO drugs! I continued... I told him that I believed he was bored and tired of living there with Caleb's family. I told him I really felt like he just wanted to come home, take a shower, sleep in his own bed, wear his own clothes... and in a few days, he'd be bored here, decided he couldn't follow the rules again and take off!!
He assured me that I was wrong! I also told him that because of being stolen from, his dad and I couldn't live in our own home and have any trust in him at all! I said, "How do you think that makes us feel?" "I can't hang my purse in the laundry room, you steal money and my debit card!. I can't leave you here by yourself. I can't leave without taking you with me! We just can't trust you!" He told me he was sorry... He said he wanted to get rid of the drugs, the friends, and was willing to not even hang out with Caleb! He said he wanted me to drive him to put in applications until he found a job! At that point in our conversation I told him what he said to me only a week ago. He said that he wanted to live with us long enough to get a job so he could move out and continue doing what he wanted to do. I asked him if "what he wanted" included drugs! I asked him how things like this change in one week? He said, "they just did! I'm tired of this mess and I want to make things right."
How do you ever know if this is the turning point? I mean, how do you know? I felt as if I just got back on the roller coaster again, or was possibly getting ready too.
I finally just let him talk to Richard, but before I handed him the phone I told Richard what we'd talked about. Stephan was wanting to come home right then. It was 8:30.. I told Richard that I just didn't trust this or him, but whatever we do we don't need to decide anything tonight. Richard talked to him for about a half hour. Richard reiterated everything I just said to him all over again ..and then some. Richard agreed to have lunch with Stephan the next day, (which is today.) I think Stephan was surprised that we didn't let him come home right away.. and that's good! I don't really think he expected it either. I know that sounds contradictory... but it's true in a weird kind of way. I think, by the way he sounded that there was a little more fear in his voice and a little more of him feels threatened by us not letting him come home...maybe, he knows how to play us too. I "think" he is almost to the point he knows somethings gotta change. I said- almost! My fear is that these feelings of "almost" wanting to change will result in this vicious cycle repeating itself all over again! That's what I want to prevent!
After they hung up, Richard and I talked about how we did NOT want to enable him, because enabling him only prolongs him really taking responsibility for his own life! As long as we make things easy for him, he has no reason to change! We want him safe, but we don't want to prolong his venture to recovery. We can provide a great place for him to live if he would abide by the rules.
Richard told me that he felt like I wanted Stephan to come crying and groveling back to us begging for us to take him back. I told him, yes, part of me did! That way I know he's serious! I said, "He just didn't seem "groveley" enough!" Richard reminded me that I don't need to let that part of the way I feel filter into the way I speak to him. I agreed... I told Richard that it's just hard. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm tired of being disrespected, used and abused! He said he understood, he felt the same way, but Stephan still needs to know he's loved -and we still don't have to let him come home! I agreed... That is true! So true....
Richard knows and I know that I do love that beautiful, blond boy of mine. Oh, he melts my heart. I just want him whole again. I want my boy back! I want my Stephan back...
Richard told me that he had prayed that Stephan would call him yesterday and he did! Like I said, it's the first time he's called in a week.
Part of me wants to believe he's being real, part of me doesn't think one week has been long enough at all. Oh Lord, please show us what in the world to do!
I packed Richard's lunch today and I packed some for Stephan... I hope Stephan shows up to eat with him! They are supposed to meet at 11:45 today. Richard did say that if he doesn't show- he's ain't coming back! And... it's according to how things go today that will determine everything!
God be with us... I am so torn. Give Richard wisdom that he needs today... Give Stephan a reason to want to turn things around. Keep him safe in the mean time.
