The call went great Monday. I felt as if I was able to talk to the Stephan I used to know. He was clear-headed and seemed happy. He told us he was glad he was there and that he was praying every morning and every night. He was reading his Bible that we sent. He told us that he really needed to get things right with God and was working the program there, doing all his work and participating. He said that he was learning a lot about himself, what makes him upset, what sets him off. He was also learning to deal with these things and realizing that the drugs were causing his feelings of frustration to be elevated! Stephan is also OCD… When everything in life is clean, organized and controlled, Stephan does great! When something goes wrong in his life that he can’t control - one little thing - Everything in his life crumbles to the ground. It’s as if someone took their hand and knocked down a portion of his house built of toy blocks. He won’t pick up the pieces that fell and start putting things back together again. He uses drugs to deal with the pain part of his house being destroyed.
He’s learning to pick up the pieces of his life, his heart and the world around him.
Stephan also said that he was having a small Bible Study with two of the teens there, which was good news. When Richard and I hung up, I cried “a little” for the first time in weeks. I think I had grown so numb and in an effort to protect myself from any more hurt I just shut down the part of me that feels “anything.”
Richard and I both sent him encouraging letters while in Rehab. I had also found encouraging quotations in the form of a picture that I printed, cut out and sent to him.
I have to admit that the first week I had so much peace… Not the kind of peace I’d imagined. It was peace of mind knowing he was there and not here… and not on drugs! It was like a vacation away from him and freedom from worry. I finally had a break! I felt somewhat guilty, but I didn’t have to worry where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. I didn’t have to worry that he might not come home! I didn’t have to worry if he might be in jail or doing anything to land him there! I hope this doesn’t sound selfish… I was just plain worn out and I felt as if I could breathe again. He was getting help and he wanted it and we definitely wanted that for him. We had exhausted all of our options…
When Wednesday came, we had another great conversation. He had learned even more about drugs and prone to addiction being a disease. He learned he had an addictive personality and reasons behind why he used drugs to run from the world. He also just liked drugs! He also expressed to us that night that he was feeling really good, eating good, but that he was afraid to come home. When he first said this, panic ran through me from head to toe like a lightning bolt!! That statement made me feel as if he had no confidence in himself, the program, us or God! But then- it hit me… This was also a first step in him truly recognizing that he had a problem and he “was” afraid! He should be afraid! If he “wasn’t” afraid, then I might have something to be worried about!!! My mind was settled again.
I sent him his Bible. I had wrote him a letter inside that just simply told him to look up key words in the back, words like: fear, trust, faith… etc. just to get him into the Word. I told him that if he didn’t know where to study that these key words might help get him started. He was doing that. He also told us before we hung up that he wanted us to send him scriptures on fear. He was afraid of this big ole world and wanted comfort from God’s Word of why he didn’t have to fear as long as God was in control. My heart ached for my son, the pain he was going through and the anxiety he was feeling as his release date drew nearer. I knew that he was allowing God to work though. I sensed a faith and trust in God that he hadn’t had before.
This part- was music to my ears……
