Causes For His Feelings of Dependancy For Drugs

About a month before home school ended, Stephan refused to do any of his work! I want to say that home school was coming between us, but really it was him. His attitude stunk! He was terribly disobedient and rebellious in many ways. We found out that he had been sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night and also started smoking cigarettes. There was a girl that he really liked that broke his heart. Many factors played into the attitude and drug problem.

Things I began to notice was that before drugs, Stephan has always been a "neat freak." His room was always spic-n-span! It was really odd to walk into his room and find a book out of place or something laying in the floor! His shoes lined his closet, sitting atop the boxes we bought them in.. His clothes all hung up in a row and neatly organized. His bed was always neatly made every morning. In his bathroom, you would never find anything out of place or splatters of toothpaste on the mirror or the faucet!

One day I noticed that he wasn't picking up after himself. For this to happen means that he doesn't care. For him not to care means that there are deeper issues lying around, which is causing his feelings of dependency for drugs. He needed his mind to be "taken away."

In talking to Stephan, I really feel that he felt he loved this girl that broke his heart. They never really dated, but had known each other for quite sometime. He knew her from public school and from church. They also evidently spent time together that we didn't know about. She came to our house a couple of times. I have to admit that I didn't like her. Well, maybe I should say that I didn't like her for him! Before she ever came to our home or I knew that Stephan was interested in her, he told me that she had a string of problems of her own and was pretty "friendly" with the boys. When he shared this with me, he was being very negative, so I took it that he wasn't interested in her and from what he was describing; I felt that he was describing a type of girl that he wouldn't date! I was kind of perplexed that he wanted to know if she could come over after what he shared with me! It was quite a shock. I also didn't think it was a good idea to mix his problems with her problems. As I said, she came over a few times and I will have to say that I made myself be nice toward her. I know this isn't the attitude that I should have. I guess it was out of protection for my son, being we were going through these other issues already. I didn't need any more... I really had my guard up!

They wound up breaking things off after a short while. Weeks afterward, I found out that they did have sex. "That" broke my heart.... I have taught my children since they were old enough to understand that sexual intimacy is honoring to God and to be saved for marriage. I talked about how special it would be. We've been praying for the boys wives since they were small and they know that.

He and she shared the most intimate thing that people have to share... I'm sure that it was hard when she broke things off with him. I can't help but think that if he'd listened and honored God with his body, things wouldn't be so hard, but that's not where we are. He is struggling with the consequences of his own actions and drowning these consequences with drugs.... therefore suffering consequence after consequence...
He can't see that he is bringing even more hurt upon himself and others around him.

Lord, help me be the mother that I need to be to my son. You loved the whole world that you gave your only begotten Son. Those who believe in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. I know that Jesus came into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. You love us unconditionally... Help me not to condemn, but help me love as you love...

Sometimes I struggle with my use of words toward him. I want so much to see him repent and restored. Sometimes, I need to realize that you must complete your perfect work in him whatever that is.

Help me to uplift and encourage, not to remind him of the wrong he has done...

Help me Lord to allow you to love him through me...

I love him so much...

In Jesus name, Amen

Waiting Patiently

After a year of homeschool, things didn't seem any better. During school, Stephan was able to take Bible Doctrines as one of his electives. I thought that this was a "god-send." During school, we would go through the book together, as we would all of his subjects until he became increasingly frustrated at me, school and everything else around him. I knew in my heart that he wasn't ready for soteriology, eschatology, theology, or any other "ology" out there, he just needed Jesus.

I began making up my own studies for him. I'd spend about 45 minutes making him a question/answer sheet to answer after reading passages of scripture that I chose. I'd always choose scripture that seemed fitting to his situation. Scripture about choices, sin, the rewards of living an obedient life before God and how much God loves us and offers forgiveness. He told me once, and only once that my Bible studies were good and that they meant something to him. It wasn't the studies... It was being in the Word that was speaking to him.

There were also "those" days that I was left with nothing else to give from inside me, except relenting myself to the floor of my laundry room, crying and screaming out to God during our bad homeschool days. The feel of the rug on the floor are etched deep into my memory. Many tears fell upon it. I was in such despair I couldn't stand...weakness had over taken me.

There were many days that Stephan didn't want to be in the house with me! He wanted to be at school with his "friends." We made the decision to take him out. It was a act of protection on our parts. It was during the times of crying and screaming out to God that He held me. I felt numb and helpless as if my hands were tied. I saw my son sinking deeper and deeper into a dark pit that didn't appear to have a bottom and there was nothing that I could do to pull him out.

We found out that he was getting drugs during homeschool! So, then the question arose," is homeschool really any better?" Like I said before, for things to be any better, he just needed Jesus... He needed to come to a place in his life to where he understood that he was hurting himself and his body! He needed to realize that this was sin. There is a old saying that goes, " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!" Well, yes, my son needed Jesus, he needed to turn to Him and ask Him to lead and guide him, but he didn't want it...

I truly believe that God will use all that we have poured -and are still trying to pour into him. I believe that God has a plan for his life and it will unfold. I think that all his struggles will be part of his testimony one day. In the mean time, we have to love him and guide him in the best ways that we can... Most of all pray! Prayer is the key. Let God hear my cries, let Him hear my pain, let Him hear my concerns. I've asked Him so many questions! I guess the first question was: "Why my child?" I think that it's ok to ask God these questions... We are feeble-minded, He is the Alpha and Omega. His ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. Many years ago, I gave my children to Him. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing, because He will never leave or forsake us in any way.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Psalm 40:1-2