Waiting Patiently

After a year of homeschool, things didn't seem any better. During school, Stephan was able to take Bible Doctrines as one of his electives. I thought that this was a "god-send." During school, we would go through the book together, as we would all of his subjects until he became increasingly frustrated at me, school and everything else around him. I knew in my heart that he wasn't ready for soteriology, eschatology, theology, or any other "ology" out there, he just needed Jesus.

I began making up my own studies for him. I'd spend about 45 minutes making him a question/answer sheet to answer after reading passages of scripture that I chose. I'd always choose scripture that seemed fitting to his situation. Scripture about choices, sin, the rewards of living an obedient life before God and how much God loves us and offers forgiveness. He told me once, and only once that my Bible studies were good and that they meant something to him. It wasn't the studies... It was being in the Word that was speaking to him.

There were also "those" days that I was left with nothing else to give from inside me, except relenting myself to the floor of my laundry room, crying and screaming out to God during our bad homeschool days. The feel of the rug on the floor are etched deep into my memory. Many tears fell upon it. I was in such despair I couldn't stand...weakness had over taken me.

There were many days that Stephan didn't want to be in the house with me! He wanted to be at school with his "friends." We made the decision to take him out. It was a act of protection on our parts. It was during the times of crying and screaming out to God that He held me. I felt numb and helpless as if my hands were tied. I saw my son sinking deeper and deeper into a dark pit that didn't appear to have a bottom and there was nothing that I could do to pull him out.

We found out that he was getting drugs during homeschool! So, then the question arose," is homeschool really any better?" Like I said before, for things to be any better, he just needed Jesus... He needed to come to a place in his life to where he understood that he was hurting himself and his body! He needed to realize that this was sin. There is a old saying that goes, " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!" Well, yes, my son needed Jesus, he needed to turn to Him and ask Him to lead and guide him, but he didn't want it...

I truly believe that God will use all that we have poured -and are still trying to pour into him. I believe that God has a plan for his life and it will unfold. I think that all his struggles will be part of his testimony one day. In the mean time, we have to love him and guide him in the best ways that we can... Most of all pray! Prayer is the key. Let God hear my cries, let Him hear my pain, let Him hear my concerns. I've asked Him so many questions! I guess the first question was: "Why my child?" I think that it's ok to ask God these questions... We are feeble-minded, He is the Alpha and Omega. His ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. Many years ago, I gave my children to Him. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing, because He will never leave or forsake us in any way.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Psalm 40:1-2