Things I began to notice was that before drugs, Stephan has always been a "neat freak." His room was always spic-n-span! It was really odd to walk into his room and find a book out of place or something laying in the floor! His shoes lined his closet, sitting atop the boxes we bought them in.. His clothes all hung up in a row and neatly organized. His bed was always neatly made every morning. In his bathroom, you would never find anything out of place or splatters of toothpaste on the mirror or the faucet!
One day I noticed that he wasn't picking up after himself. For this to happen means that he doesn't care. For him not to care means that there are deeper issues lying around, which is causing his feelings of dependency for drugs. He needed his mind to be "taken away."
In talking to Stephan, I really feel that he felt he loved this girl that broke his heart. They never really dated, but had known each other for quite sometime. He knew her from public school and from church. They also evidently spent time together that we didn't know about. She came to our house a couple of times. I have to admit that I didn't like her. Well, maybe I should say that I didn't like her for him! Before she ever came to our home or I knew that Stephan was interested in her, he told me that she had a string of problems of her own and was pretty "friendly" with the boys. When he shared this with me, he was being very negative, so I took it that he wasn't interested in her and from what he was describing; I felt that he was describing a type of girl that he wouldn't date! I was kind of perplexed that he wanted to know if she could come over after what he shared with me! It was quite a shock. I also didn't think it was a good idea to mix his problems with her problems. As I said, she came over a few times and I will have to say that I made myself be nice toward her. I know this isn't the attitude that I should have. I guess it was out of protection for my son, being we were going through these other issues already. I didn't need any more... I really had my guard up!
They wound up breaking things off after a short while. Weeks afterward, I found out that they did have sex. "That" broke my heart.... I have taught my children since they were old enough to understand that sexual intimacy is honoring to God and to be saved for marriage. I talked about how special it would be. We've been praying for the boys wives since they were small and they know that.
He and she shared the most intimate thing that people have to share... I'm sure that it was hard when she broke things off with him. I can't help but think that if he'd listened and honored God with his body, things wouldn't be so hard, but that's not where we are. He is struggling with the consequences of his own actions and drowning these consequences with drugs.... therefore suffering consequence after consequence...
He can't see that he is bringing even more hurt upon himself and others around him.
Lord, help me be the mother that I need to be to my son. You loved the whole world that you gave your only begotten Son. Those who believe in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. I know that Jesus came into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. You love us unconditionally... Help me not to condemn, but help me love as you love...
Sometimes I struggle with my use of words toward him. I want so much to see him repent and restored. Sometimes, I need to realize that you must complete your perfect work in him whatever that is.
Help me to uplift and encourage, not to remind him of the wrong he has done...
Help me Lord to allow you to love him through me...
I love him so much...
In Jesus name, Amen
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