Today I'm just feeling sad. Have you ever felt betrayed? I feel sad and betrayed... I told myself not to get my heart involved, so I didn't. Why am I still hurt?
He called- again! This time, he had gone to a church service called Elevate and heard something there the youth minister said that plucked at his heart strings. He said he didn't want to talk about what he heard, but he had realized that he was screwing his life up, he needed a real job, needed to get off drugs... etc. Richard and I were still very reluctant to believe him! Gosh, how many times have I wrote this about him wanting a job, get off drugs, get his life right...blah blah blah...
While we had him on the phone we had both talked to him at length-again (about trust, all the lies, and everything else you can imagine.) He had been to church on his own though. Did that mean something this time? I told him that if he came home he couldn't hang out with friends, that we needed to work on getting him clean. He agreed. How many times we've been down this road. I knew we were in a huge battle ahead, but I was willing to stand by his side again and let him fight it through all the depression and mood swings. Like I said, he agreed! We sort of felt that him going to a "church service" may be another ploy to get to come home. We had our doubts he'd even been to church. We had also asked him if he'd been kicked out of where he was staying. We felt that was a possibly!! Anyway, he said that he could continue staying where he was, but he still wanted to come home. Maybe it wasn't a ploy...
After Richard and I got finished talking to a very sincere person for over an hour we decided to talk about it alone. There was this, "but what if he was actually telling the truth this time" conversation going on between us!! It was a agonizing decision that took over an hour to make, but we decided that we'd give it a try.
Monday, he went with Richard to work and filled out a chart. We decided he didn't need to be home with me. This chart was kind of a plan for his life in the upcoming months. A plan for each day and a plan for each week- just things he wants to accomplish. He finished it at Richard's desk.
Over the next few days, he had been working his plan. He was exercising every day! I was seeing progress in small ways! He and Richard surprised me with dinner one night as well! He hadn't talked to anyone on the phone either! That surprised me. Then Tuesday came and he left on foot for a few hours. He said he went up to the cave and went swimming in the lake alone. I was upset somewhat, but we decided that since his plan looked wonderful- and it did- that we'd overlook it. After all, he was alone. Wednesday- I saw Caleb drive by as I checked the mailbox. Stephan was supposed to be putting in job applications on line. He put one in at Staples Tuesday, so he was going to put in a few more today. I went back in and he was no where to be found!
I have been training for a 5K you know, so I decided to go for a walk, not a run, I am in between days and my knees were hurting. I walked around the lake and Stephan, Caleb and another boy were swimming! I sat on a rock and prayed that Stephan's and Caleb's friendship would cease to exist. I prayed that Stephan would get a job.. that he would be working with at least a few good people who would be a good example to Stephan spiritually and on the job. I prayed for a job where Stephan could learn skills from someone that might help him in his future, or something that might inspire him.
I sat there fuming... praying... and fuming some more, then I walked home. Going swimming is not a bad thing at all. It's just the fact that we told him no friends, you know? Especially these friends! Finally Richard called shortly after I walked in and said that Five Guys had called him. He said he didn't know WHY Five Guys would be calling him, so I suggested he call and find out! He did... and they are getting ready to hire someone in two weeks and wanted Stephan to come in for an interview! Well, IMAGINE THAT? It's been like 8 months ago when Stephan submitted and application! I bet they left the message right as I was praying!
Stephan didn't come home and we didn't know if we were gonna let him anyway, but he called around 9:00 last night. He was SOOO excited to learn about the job! He was jumping up and down! He's planning on going in for the interview today and stopped by to get some clothes after he called. He was also high when we talked to him, which pretty much helped us with the decision of not letting him come home last night!.
My heart wants him to get this job, which will help him in many areas- financially and keeping him occupied and away from drugs. I want to help him get well. I just have to remind myself that I can't get him well... that's up to him.
I'm just so torn... What if this is the beginning of something new? Should we let him stay until he gets on his feet now that he does have a job? Gracious?
Should we just be so hard-nosed and let him fend for himself and get to work the best way he can (if he gets the job)? Note: A big issue right now is that we don't let him drive his car because of his safety and the safety of others on the road.. plus, his insurance just expired. He couldn't drive it anyway even if he could drive! His insurance (because of prior accidents) is like $1300.00 every 6 months. When he has a car and insurance "He" pays it! I had told him a few weeks ago that I'd drive him to work if he got a job until he earned our trust back. This way, he could work some and get away from friends... start saving money and be on the road to getting his car back! He would be giving me money for gas though! Not a totally free ride! I told him I'd show him how to manage his money, and told him he could call and get his payments for his insurance on a monthly plan. That just seems like a logical plan to get up on his feet. I want to assist.. not do it for him!
I just don't know what to do today. I am finding myself in a state of indecisiveness! I want to help, but not enable. I feel like this situation is another "here we go again" scenario! But, Maybe not.... Maybe I just want this too much. Problem is: He should want it not me... and he does want the job! Today is just a struggle.
Any help would be appreciated...
