I haven't been on here in quite some time. I guess everybody thinks that everything is ok, but things are pretty much the same, if not worse at times. We've had a lot going on outside of Stephan's addiction- positive things! We just found out that our son, Brandon and his wife are having a baby boy! We are just so excited!! I have no idea what I want to be called... I'm going to be a 40 year old grandmother, so I need something cool you know? : ) Ha ha!
Ellie, my daughter-in-law, and I spend so much time together! We talk on the phone every morning.. then we meet in town and do our shopping together on grocery day! I went with her to pick out paint colors for their new house the other day... they come over at least three times a week! Sometimes more! They are our best friends : ) Sometimes I think to myself that it's not supposed to be this way, but I'm so thankful it is. I DO, however, try to keep my opinions to myself if not "asked" my opinion. We are so much alike I seldom ever- if ever- have to bite my tongue! Richard and I both try our best NEVER to interfere, but to assist- again, if asked! We do keep our distance in those ways. I feel that our relationship is so strong because of God Himself. I never imagined I would love my daughter-in-law as much as I do Ellie. Perhaps it's because I've been praying for her since Brandon was a baby.... I'm sure of it!
We may be going through some changes in the next few months. Richard's company has bought another company in Wisconsin and the president of the company has asked Richard to manage it. The job will be no different for Richard as he is the plant manager here... just different people and a different location! When I first found out about the possibility of moving I cried for weeks. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying, I even cried in the shower! You see, Brandon and Ellie and our future little Jeremiah will not be going with us... Oh, I'm about to break even thinking about it!
We flew to Wisconsin last week to check out the area and for Richard to meet the former owner/plant manager. It was a really good over all visit. I had healed somewhat by this point. My tears only come occasionally now... I tell you, God has shown up in so many ways it's unreal! He's pointing north and has confirmed it in ways that would make your head spin! I have really had to put my trust and faith in God in so many ways lately. He's dealing with my heart and has shown me that His ways are higher than mine. He says that He knows the plans He has for me to give me a hope and a future! He wants me to trust Him and be obedient to His calling upon our lives, because this is so much more than just a job, it's a mission that I know nothing about yet, because I'm not there yet! I've asked God to forgive me for my pity parties, for my doubting, for my unwillingness to go where He's sending me, for asking "why?" You know, the Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, right? I always imagined that both my boys would grow up, marry, have babies and always live nearby, so we could celebrate holidays together like all the families on TV- and like a lot of families that I know!! Sometimes life takes twists and turns... sometimes we see them coming... sometimes we don't. All I do know- is that I have to give up my life to have it! I have to go where He leads. I may cry the whole way there, but my desire is to be obedient and to have trust that He IS giving me the desires of my heart in ways that I can't even imagine! When he said, "follow me, and I will make you fisher's of men," he didn't tell us to pack up our whole entire family too. God has plans for each of our lives here on Earth, which is such a short amount of time compared to eternity! I'll spend eternity with my children... for now, I place one foot in front of the other out of obedience, but not without tears in my eyes. I am really looking forward to watching God's plan unfold. Father, my life is in your hands.... give me strength!
One thing that I'm watching for God to do- or to see what He does is: You see, Brandon works for the same company Richard works for. Brandon is a machine operator now, but when Brandon was 14, yes you heard me... 14... he worked for the company taking metal dyes, and measuring them to the "zillimeter." no that's not a word, but it is now... and drawing a blue print of the dye in Auto CAD for the dye maker to have a print to lay on a piece of wood to make dye making like 100% faster! Brandon is so smart! Long story short, he finished High School, went to college, got his degree- was going to be a nurse- eventually a Physician's assistant, but that all changed when he worked in the ER. He grew weary of it all and discovered that was not what he wanted to do at all. He quit the ER and started working for Richard's company. The only stipulation is that he can not work directly under Richard. Before, he worked for the president, now he works for the machine supervisor. Since Richard is moving out of plant manager position there is another guy at the company that will move up into Richard's position, which leaves "this" guys position open! Brandon has been recommended by two people so far for the job. Brandon's income would almost double if he got it! : )
I can say that if God could/would allow something like this to happen in my son's life to benefit him and his new family- I would move in a heart beat! It would be a sacrifice that I'd be willing to make. Ellie also would not have to worry with finding work when the baby is born! I guess we will see....
As far as my dear Stephan... he is still using. He went to Wisconsin with us, only to discover that he was taking acid on the way there. He wanted to see what the clouds looked like from the plane on his "trip."
When he does this particular drug, coming off is brutal... not for him, for me. He's violent. Not toward me... but hitting and throwing things in our home, screaming and cussing! Our neighbor witnessed it the other day. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I don't know what to do! When we were in WI, he was coming off. I stayed at the hotel with him the first full day. He slept till one. Richard was with the president of the company visiting another company in Illinois that they may potentially buy in the future, so I figured that as long as he was sleeping, my life would be easier! That night, I decided to venture out with him by myself... He seemed fine, jokey and happy! Richard was back at this time, but he had a horrible migraine and had to sleep.. We needed dinner and I needed to go to Target, so I decided to leave. I was a little nervous about driving. I was in a rental SUV, very unfamiliar with the roads- hey, never been to Wisconsin, you know!! I punched Target's location into the GPS and we were on our way! Everything was awesome! Stephan and I laughed on the way, I walked into Target to look for the things I needed. Stephan told me he was going to go buy cigarettes... When I was ready to leave I couldn't find him, so I went to the car, still no Stephan! I went back inside the store to find him having a meltdown! Cigarettes were $7.50 a pack and he was screaming and cussing so loud they called security! When he ran outside he sat down! I walked out behind him, told him to GET in my car! You just can't imagine the nervousness that came over me, well maybe you can if you have experienced this with an addict. I was completely overwhelmed. He continued screaming in the car and jumped out of my vehicle! Everybody in the parking lot was now involved... Stephan yelled at them and told them how stupid it was that cigarettes cost so much. He reminded them all that, YES, he's from Alabama and he wasn't going to move there!!!!!! He took off on foot. I was afraid to go looking for him.. afraid I'd get lost, but I did keep circling the block and could NOT find him. He didn't have a cell phone- He broke that the week before by throwing it on the street in front of our house! I'm telling you, by this time I was a snotty, blubbery mess. I was praying, crying and driving! I also figured that I was in such a state of shock that I didn't have my headlights on! I had to pull over to figure out how to turn them on! Was this the last time I would see my son? I'm in a different state, a new city, in an unfamiliar car and it was getting dark! I drove back to the Target parking lot. That was the last place he saw me, so I thought he might come back... he didn't.
I finally called Richard at the hotel and he told me to come back. I couldn't just leave him! What if he came back!! Stephan does this at home all the time and I DO just leave him! I've left him many times! In this case, being we were in another state for Heavens sake and I panicked! Richard kept reminding me that he was a big boy and he could take care of himself! Oh, I was so mad at Stephan... Part of me was mad at myself for allowing him to put me in this state of mind. I texted my sister in NC. She reminded me that I have to let him go.. I have to take care of myself.. and she was right and I knew it!
I punched in the hotel location and I did make it back. Richard and I went to McDonald's to grab a bite to eat, but I was so torn up, I couldn't eat. About an hour later Stephan called from a gas station. Richard told him to get back the best way he could! We did ride over to the gas station though... like two idiots! He wasn't there. By this time, it was pushing 10:00. We went back to the hotel and he was outside waiting for us. He said he walked, but we saw a police car circle the building, so I'm not sure if he did or not. Richard dropped me off at the hotel and he and Stephan drove around having a "heart to heart!!"
The next day Richard and I were looking at houses with the realtor. Stephan kept making drug references that nobody would catch unless they had experimented with drugs themselves in the past or had ever dealt with an addict. As we walked into another house... Richard told Stephan to "BE QUIET! Stephan was like, "Whaaat... !" Richard told him he was embarrassing him. Stephan replied with a quick, "I am not embarrassing you!" Richard told him that he WAS- and he was getting ready to embarrass HIM! Stephan took off again! I believe the realtor was mortified. When we left, she wanted to know if we wanted to go look for him. Richard told her no, he was a big boy and he'd find his way back to the hotel- He found his way back last night! She didn't say a word...
I'm sorry, but these two episodes were what I feared the most when we decided to bring him along. My nightmares came true!
At this point, I had had enough! I was humiliated in front of the realtor, but didn't cry a tear! Numbness had taken over my life once again. Richard and I decided to go to a very fancy restaurant and talk about the move. We also discussed that Stephan was almost 20 years old and we were not bringing him with us if things didn't change. We are praying about this decision. We love Stephan, oh, so much! He's my child! What would be best for him??? We "thought' that moving would be a good change for him when all this came about. He even mentioned getting to have a fresh start on life himself! He proved on this trip that he didn't want it! Or it surely seemed that way! Perhaps leaving him in AL is what would be best for him! He wouldn't have us as a crutch any longer! I don't know... I just want to do what God wants us to do. Maybe this move is all for Stephan- whether he goes or not! I could see God working in either scenario! We just have to keep praying for peace on a decision.
By the way, Stephan found his way back to the hotel... again!
Last night, at home in Alabama- Stephan called at twenty till eleven... His curfew is 10:00. He needed a ride home. I reminded him of his curfew and if he needed a ride he should have called at 9:00 to let us know, being that where he was a 40 minute round trip! Like he were a child, I reminded him "again" of being respectful of our time, the fact that Dad has to work in the morning etc... same stuff I've told him over and over. Richard got the phone and told him to walk. Stephan said some choice words... again, disrespecting the hand that feeds him! We went to bed... didn't sleep very well of course. Why does things just have to be this tough you know??? What's wrong with doing the next right thing? What's wrong with being responsible? I understand that when he's messed up, that he can't think rationally, but why get messed up? Why keep doing the same stupid thing over and over? He walked to a local McDonald's and called... Richard refused to pick him up again and told him he'd got that far and to keep on walking! He told him to get Caleb to pick him up and reminded him that Caleb didn't have to work the next day- neither did he! Stephan finally came in at 1:30. He did get a ride from someone... He's going to have to learn that we are not going to live our life around his bad decisions, he's going to have to adjust his life around ours our make other arrangements. Why does love have to be so tough? I just don't feel like Stephan's going to change until he's left with no other choice. He needs Jesus so much.
Is anyone out there going through this with your teen? Have you found successful ways to reach your teen? Sometimes it's just hard to parent with love and logic isn't it? Of course, I have forgotten what logic is...
