Don't Give Your Struggling Child A Fish- Give Them Tools To Teach Them How...

Richard and I just got back from Alabama! Oh my goodness, was it GOOD to see my boys, Ellie and little Jeremiah!!!! I could hardly wait to get there. Every mile marker we passed brought me closer and closer to the moment I'd been waiting on for weeks! When we arrived at Brandon and Ellie's, she was waiting on us at the door! I physically "ran" to the door for hugs! Jeremiah was asleep... but he woke up within fifteen minutes of our arrival. When we walked in his room and he saw us, I really think he recognized me from facetime, because he looked at me and smiled as if he did know me! Oh, he's precious.... I hardly put him down the entire time we were there...

When we visit Alabama, we always take on a project with our boys... trying to help them do something that takes man power. It's the only time we can be a blessing to them... living so far away is hard sometimes. When Brandon got home from work, he showed us his tornado shelter he had started in the back yard. Long story short- the tornado shelter turned into a fish pond and a small portion of the back porch will become the tornado shelter! Where the original shelter was located, Richard was fearful that it may fill with ground water... so... a short trip to Lowes for pond supplies and a trip to Petco for fish... walah- a fish pond! Their back porch is concrete, so they felt better about building an above ground shelter which can be bolted to the existing concrete... it's in process! We didn't have time to finish that in one week...

As for Stephan- Poor guy... He has just enough stuff to get him by in his apartment. He has a bed, a kitchen table and a TV.... he has some kitchen supplies, dishes etc... Richard and I decided to purchase him a few things like cleaning supplies, a broom, vacuum, mop... a toaster... and we took him a microwave that we had when we first moved to WI. He didn't have but two towels... so we bought some bath towels and kitchen towels and a few things to cook in. I also sat down one afternoon and made him a small recipe book with easy, cheap recipes in it, so he and Rainey can hopefully eat something besides pizza (from where Stephan works) and chicken- (from where Rainey works!) Stephan had lost weight... he doesn't really have any to loose! He thanked us over and over again. We saw his apartment for the first time when we brought him the things we bought. Put it this way- I think he was very thankful for the vacuum!

We had talked about buying him some groceries- because that's what he really needed! After discussion, we decided that since he's still buying beer instead of groceries that we'd assist him in giving him tools to get his apartment clean and livable... and give him a means of helping himself (the recipe book) - and the tools to actually cook a meal! (If you give a hungry man a fish- he will only eat for that day, but if you teach him to fish- he will never go hungry!)  It's so hard to balance how to help sometimes when as a parent, you're pushing toward a greater goal.. which is your son taking care of himself.

I will have to say that he's doing very well considering his circumstances. He and Rainey are in constant battle... they broke up again while we were there! He called me crying and spent the night with us that night because he didn't want to be alone. Our whole family was able to sit and talk to Stephan that night, which was so wonderful!! Stephan's trouble is that he is saved and Rainey isn't... he told me he was saved and why he knows he is. He said that he knew he had this foundation that Rainey doesn't have! He said she can't understand ANYTHING I try to explain to her about relationships... She think's it's ok to have guy friends- one she's slept with before.. and Stephan get's SO angry! Angry enough to punch a hole through the wall in his apartment! His anger issues on this topic are somewhat alcohol related... being intoxicated and coming off the alcohol... but his anger on the topic are also very legitimate! He did tell me and Ellie that he knows he needs to quit beer and pot... although he's not doing either nearly as much as he was! He said, "It's just a dead end street no matter how you look at it,-- it just is!"

I did also buy Stephan a book at Lifeway on dating and marriage. I talked to him about being unequally yoked with a non-believer and living in a sexual relationship unmarried. I told him he was doing it all wrong and these things that keep happening are consequences! We talked about how being in a sexual relationship outside of marriage only complicates things.... he needed to be getting to know Rainey as a person to determine if she was someone he'd "want" to marry and then... the sexual side is all the better, because he would love her through and through! He agreed... but can't change the fact that he is where he is... Well, he could- but that's another baby step down the road that will hopefully happen one day soon.

Stephan knows what he should do.. he just doesn't do it. He has all the right tools embedded inside his heart... he's gotta take them out and use them. First, he's going to have to make an effort and have a desire to change things... then commit!  One more little piece of advice I gave him was that he needed to stop trying to please/change Rainey in their relationship, but to start trying to please God with his relationship to Him! I told Stephan that when he got himself right with God- everything would start to change. Stephan told me that he knew he needed to work on himself before he could start trying to change Rainey! I told Stephan that I agreed... but the only person that could change Rainey was God- not him! I also said to Stephan- "You're a great leader who has the ability to lead... but you've got to get your commitments right, so that Rainey sees a reason to want to follow you!"  Oh, gracious... he's got it all backwards... but he's seeing first hand what not doing it right will do and he's feeling the repercussions of the choices he's making. Baby steps... baby steps! I'm just grateful he's making them...  After all, that's the goal... assisting him in moving forward- even if it takes a while longer than we hope.

Lord, bless my children and keep them safe. Help us to always be a blessing to them... Help them by strengthening their wings, giving them the ability to fly on their own. Allow them to always know how much they are loved. Speak to them in their daily lives. Lead them... Guide them... May Your hand of protection follow them wherever they go. Lord send them other people who come in and out of their daily lives who speak truth in love, who always have a good word to say about You... who will be a Godly influence on them... Lord, be with me today as I miss them all greatly and wish we lived closer. Help me Lord to find the ministry here in WI that you'd have me to do... Help me to be grateful of my circumstances knowing you are going before me. You will never leave me or forsake me even in times of weakness... Give me strength today...

Amen