Living Life

I guess one thing I did learn from Stephan being in Rehab was the three C's.. (I didn't Cause his drug addiction, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it!) I spent the better part of our first year, that I discovered he was using, searching for where I'd gone wrong as a parent. I'd ask myself questions like: "Did I pay more attention to his brother?" "Was there some traumatic childhood incidence that caused him to turn to drugs?" "Is he using because I sent him to public school in the 4th grade?" "Did I encourage him enough and make him feel important and smart?"

The answers to all my questions didn't help me. I'm not a perfect parent, but I really felt that I was an ok mom. I was loving, I protected them, I cared for and nurtured them. I tucked them in every night. Oh, but I did make frequent mistakes! I yelled at them at times. I know I punished them too harshly sometimes, but other times, I probably didn't punish them enough!!haha!

Even through the mistakes, both my boys know that both Richard and I love them to pieces! They both had individual attention! We spent time doing activities that they both enjoyed. We went to lots of fun places and our photo albums are now full of pictures displaying all the places we went. We've prayed with our boys, we talk to our boys. Richard ruined a really good pair of leather shoes one very, rainy afternoon. He had just gotten home from work, I heard all this laughing, so I looked outside and caught all three of them running through a ditch full of water just splashing up a storm! When I confronted Richard about his shoes- He said, "AH, they make more!" I just had to laugh! He was right about that and the fun they had was worth a pair of leather shoes!

Stephan did go from Homeschool to public school, then we moved to another state and he was in a different public school. The year after that, he went to Middle School... He seemed to adjust very well. I've asked him about changing schools so many times and that never seems to be an issue! I think he enjoyed making new friends!

When you are in the first stages of dealing with addiction with someone you love, you do go back and try and find "something" that caused it. When you can't really come up with anything, you just can't seem to move forward... You begin this battle within yourself to get to the "root cause" of it! You then start looking around and begin thinking about different scenarios and wondering things like: Why is it so easy to understand that kids growing up in a drug infested home or in an abusive home wind up on drugs! It's easy to understand how a seemingly troubled, reclusive child winds up on drugs sometimes. How about a child who's mother is an exotic dancer and is gone all night, every night. The child is left to take care of himself and his little sister, because his mother is still sleeping when they head off to school. How about a child who is introduced to Marijuana by his father?
Well, I know some kids that have grown up in these exact type of environments and the last thing they would ever think of doing is drugs!! At the same time, I know some kids who have grown up in these environments who do wind up on drugs! Do I think that it is more "likely" for a child growing up in a bad environment to do drugs? That is possible, because it could be more available to them... but not always probable. How about a child growing up in a Christian home? Will he wind up on drugs? It could be less probable... but also very possible!

I think that if a parent does his and her best to raise up a child in the way he/she could go, then you have done everything to the best of your ability to see that your child has all the tools necessary to live their life to its fullest potential! Your child knows right from wrong and the choices they should make, because it has been taught to them. They have had direction and guidance! A parent must "parent." When one doesn't parent, a child is left with no direction at all. You never go wrong doing the right things, that I am sure of!

What if you are the parent that I was talking about earlier? What if you don't feel you have "parented?" What if you've made really big mistakes that you can't erase? I know this... It's never to late to get things right! It's never too late to go to your child and tell them you need help and you'd like to ask for their forgiveness. It's never too late to take them along with you on the journey to "healing." Take your entire family! An awesome place to start is going to a local Bible Believing Church. Just go... sit on the back row if you want. That's where we started! Begin to pray and read God's Word at home. Let God work in your heart and life! Let Him help you through this.
I would also like to say that if you are a mom and you are in an abusive situation for you or your children... Get Out! You know, God doesn't want anyone to be battered or sexually assaulted! This is not His plan for your life! His plan is for you to be safe- even if that means seeking shelter from a family member or a women's home. His plan is for your abuser to come to Him for healing as well, but if the abuser refuses, there is nothing you can do. You must get away from this situation for the safety of yourself and for your children!


So, in any situation, the cold hard fact is- No matter where a child comes from, good environment or bad, it all started with a choice! They chose it, it did not choose them! If you are a parent who feels that it is your fault- STOP- Now is the time for you to assist your child in getting well. Now begins the process of finally admitting your child is an addict!

Once you admit that to yourself, you begin to live in whole new world. You realize you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! Your child chose it, your child controls it and only.. can your child begin to have the desire to want to cure it.

How do you assist them? You pray, you set boundaries and consequences. You seek help for yourself, you talk to someone, you go to Al-Alon meetings, you learn about enabling and how not to be an enabler, you love your child, you warn them about possible future consequences if things don't change. You offer to help them get help- If they want it, awesome, if they don't, they are not willing to change. You have to realize you can not change them. You will wear yourself out physically and mentally trying to think you can do something to change them!

I have come to the realization that they only way to keep my son from drugs or from anyone doing drugs is to duck tape his hands and feet together and lock him in a room so he can't use and he can't escape us. I know, this is horrible- ...or is it? At least he would be safe! There's been times I've wanted too. Stephan's ran away and Richard has chased him down in the truck and Richard can not physically get him in the truck, so duck tape may be a last resort for us! Am I willing to do this? No... Like I've said before, we can tell him to stay home, we can take the phone out of his room, we can disconnect our phone, so that we can't receive calls!! If he wants to leave, he will leave- and he does! He'll go somewhere else to use a phone! We have lost control of him! At times, I just can't believe we have no control... This is why I questioned my parenting skills in the beginning! Loosing control of a teen means you did or are doing something wrong- right? No... it does not! It means your child is defying all the rules because they want too.
But, but... if we had been a little harder on them, our teen would know they should respect us more! OR - If we "weren't" so hard on our teen, then they would respect us more... Yes, that's it!
Friends, we can't go there! Again, your teen is using because they want to use...
Don't wear yourself out...

I titled this post "Living Life, " because that's what we have to keep on doing. We have to get past playing the Blame Game and seek help for ourselves, which in turn, helps our child...
It seems selfish to think about at first, but let me also tell you, seeking help for yourself is not a selfish act and it is not "giving up" on your child! It was soooo hard for me to let go of this control I felt I should have when it came to Stephan's drug use. I thought that if I tried to control his every move, then eventually he would listen and quit! This is how I wore myself out! I'd try to control him by telling him what he could do and what he couldn't- then he'd leave- I'd feel like a failure- I'd feel like Richard should have done something else! Oh goodness, It was like we were in the movie Ground Hog Day! Living the same day over and over again! But, I honestly felt like giving up control was giving up on him. I had to get to the point to where I realized how ridiculous this was to repeat this process over and over with no results. Richard always says: Doing the same things over and over expecting different results is insanity! I think we must have been insane...

Stephan's got to figure this thing out. He has our love and support. We had a wonderful talk with him yesterday afternoon! It was probably an hour long conversation! He knows all the right things to do. He knows what he should do. He just won't do them...

So, in trying to "Live Life," Richard and I are trying to focus on our marriage and we are earnestly praying for Stephan. We prayed together last night and it was really, really good.... We will do anything in this world to help our son.. anything!

The only thing about that is--


He's has to let us...