I'm reading a book called, Restless, by Jennie Allen. A friend, recommended it to me who read it herself. She felt stuck.... My friend, Amanda who's husband was a major league baseball player for several years suddenly fell slave to a torn rotator cuff, which led to surgery, which led to major physical therapy, which led back to baseball- only... never in the major leagues again. One of my friend's ministries was leading the baseball wives in Bible Studies or just being a good mentor. When all that ended, she wondered what purpose God had for her life. Two children later and with the expectation of two twin boys that they are in the process of adopting, she felt a little abandoned and ached for even more purpose. You may wonder how in the world anyone could want more their purpose in life with so much responsibility- but it's there... there must be something more... a grander purpose than just changing diapers.
I believe we all are stuck somewhere at times when we forget that "no unique purpose for our life will fill our soul. The only thing that will fulfill and settle our soul's is God Himself!" As I long to claim that statement and adhere it to my soul; even in the midst of knowing it's true-I have found myself between a rock and a hard place and...
I am stuck....
My friend recommending this book couldn't have come at a better time. In Alabama, Richard and I had a powerful ministry. We went to a very large church. We had a Sunday School class of about 80 called Family Ties. We mainly focused on marriage, family and parenting in our studies and people were soaking it up as if they were bone dry sponges outside in the pouring rain! It was the life stage we were all in! Christian families aren't immune to hardship, financial troubles, the loss of a job, sickness, a wayward child, a run away child, an adult child on drugs, adultery, marital discord, blended-family discord, parenting issues, divorce, substance abuse, pornography, terrible two's, terrible three's, terrible tween's, terrible teens.... I'll stop now, 'cause I could just keep going! We addressed all these issues and more and people NEEDED it like they need food, water and air.
I also was involved in the music ministry. I led worship with the worship team, plus I was in our choir and I sang solo. I was used a lot. I was appreciated. I loved it... it was my passion. When we go back home and we walk in you would think that we were someone sort of important by the way people flock to greet us, but we're just us! We are just loved... It feels so good to be loved.
We moved to Wisconsin about a year ago and I'm just stuck! We found a church here- a larger one- if you can imagine that feels like home, but this particular church has life groups that meet in homes. No Sunday School Bible Study like we're used too... it's just different and frankly, we just don't want to be part of it. It sounds awful to say it, but deep down, Richard and I both know we're supposed to be here, but we also know that when the company buys another facility, we may be moving again. I don't want roots. Isn't that awful?? I want to protect myself from loving anything here. I just can't explain it and I feel selfish for feeling that way. I can't bear to leave church family again like we did in Alabama.
Another issue is there is no choir and there is a praise band, but it's all the same people every Sunday. Could I join? Possibly... Do I want too... no. Why? Are our hearts hard? Are we in a season of life we just don't understand quite yet? Are we backsliding?
What does it mean to run after God? I feel like I'm not. Part of me does with Stephan. I feel like God moved us for several reasons. Actually, I know it.
1) He moved us so that Stephan would eventually move to be with us, taking him away from his environment, giving him a chance to have a new life!
2) He moved us so that our other son (who works for the same company as my husband) could be promoted! Of course this wasn't even an option when we moved. It wasn't even on the radar. It was an act of God and true blessing that happened a few months after we were in WI. My son can't work under my husband, so with Richard gone- Brandon had new opportunity.
3) God moved us so Brandon could be promoted, so that Ellie could stay home with Jeremiah!
4) God moved us so that Brandon and Ellie could find their way on their own as a married couple and we could mentor from a distance.
5) He moved us to strengthen us.
6) He moved us to deepen our faith and trust in Him.
Perhaps right now, God has given me an opportunity to re-fuel in a sense. I'm having to trust Him more than EVER! Perhaps I've been given an opportunity to focus "just on my main ministries" my family... Maybe this is God's plan for now.
Richard and I have been given a gift for sure. I sit at dinner every night and I can't believe my Stephan is sitting right across from me. It still feels surreal...
I asked Stephan what something in my book meant night before last. I asked him what does, "The kind of life I want so badly lies on the other side of death" mean? He looked at me funny... : ) Eventually, he gave me the right answer. The kind of life that we struggle obtaining when we're struggling with something like drugs or alcohol lies right in front of you when you die to yourself. Only in dying to yourself will you be able to find what you're looking for. It's only then when you can overcome sin. Through the power of Christ...
It was a good discussion.
Maybe- that's where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm supposed to be reading this book trying to find my purpose only to find that I'm living my purpose and although I see it mundane at times, God has given me this gift of time for a greater good!
C.S. Lewis said it best: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world..."
Heaven is our home- not here- not Alabama-not Wisconsin! My job here is to fulfill my calling. Right now, my calling is blogging, cleaning and exploring healthy Paleo recipes and cooking meals for my family of three. It's grocery shopping and finding things like grass fed beef at a nearby market. It's mentoring my daughter-in-law Ellie and saving her a trip to the laundromat when she had no idea her washer was a King capacity and she could wash a comforter in it. It's scheduling a trip to Alabama so that we can help Brandon put up a fence and other things around their house they can't do by themselves or maybe don't know how to do. It's loving my husband and trying my best to meet his love languages. It's asking my son, Stephan questions. It's even telling Stephan things that he doesn't want to hear at times.... to only later overhear him giving the same advice to others. It's knowing he's listening when he's not! It's loving Stephan through girlfriend troubles and trusting that God will grow him and teach him. It's letting go.... and letting life experience be the best teacher. It's helping him set up on line banking and other things that are gradually becoming part of his life and seeing him become more responsible every day. It's mentoring my niece, Jade and having two hour long conversations about hair and makeup and trying to deal with the fact that she doesn't have simple things she needs... It's buying a birthday present for a little girl here. It's buying a bike for someone who walks to work everyday because he has no drivers license. It's buying another bike for a guy who just got out of prison and cant afford a car, so he can get to work everyday. It's buying baby items for a new mother in need and supporting our friends in Alabama when they go on mission trips. It's Richard's willingness to lead a Bible Study at work for anyone who's interested.
God has us right where He wants us and I have to be satisfied. I, alone have a purpose and because I'm not doing what I "feel" like I should be doing doesn't mean I'm not doing what God has called me too for such a time as this.........
My friend, Amanda is now homeschooling her oldest daughter. Amanda always knew part of her calling was motherhood, but I believe she discovered her calling right inside her home. It was all she was supposed to be doing during this particular season of her life. Sure what she did was awesome in baseball and our ministry in Alabama was awesome, but sometimes we discover that our greatest ministry is within our own four walls and may be the greatest ministry ever given to us. God has a plan for my son's life.... and I have a feeling I'm a itty bitty part of it. : )
Amanda has started mentoring a young lady and having her over for tea once a week. I think this is amazing. She knows her calling, but is also reaching out to others, inviting them inside her home, still giving pieces of herself away.
If we don't change our children's diapers, they won't be able to change the world....What ever we do- do it as unto the Lord.
I can't help but feel like God has a plan for our entire family. I don't feel as if we're supposed to make WI our home forever. I guess that's my unsettling feeling or why I feel stuck at times and perhaps why I'm reluctant to sprout roots here. This is true too: I can be there for my family and my calling and minister outside my home, but maybe I'm in a "waiting" period that I don't understand yet. I'm in a season... a sabbatical. Maybe we needed one. The one thing I am sure of is that I have to leave the stuff "I don't know" to God and believe He has it all worked out for our good. God is moving... He has plans.... My only job is trust.
For now, I'm going shopping today! I haven't bought any new clothes in some time!! Richard told me to go.... hey, so I'm going! I have a dinner in the crockpot. My day is set.............
See you later!
