As I write this, Stephan is in rehab...My heart is heavy. But before I write about this, I'd like to share some events that led up to this decision.
Stephan has been doing quite well since being home where it's safe. He had decided as in a previous post, that he was going to finally set his mind to finding a job and he was putting in applications left and right. He also recently met with an advisor with Richard and I and was planning on college in January! Things seemed like he was improving!! He was still hanging out with Tony, Nick and Morgan. I do not like, nor approve of Stephan hanging with either of these people. I love them in the name of Jesus.. but "four" wrongs definitely don't make any "rights!" Long story short, if you remember, Tony, Morgan and Stephan all found themselves in jail for having beer in the car after being pulled over one night. Stephan spent two days in jail. I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually- I'd get the call from the police if things did not change. If he- did not change!
You know, it would be so wonderful if I could tell Stephan who he could hang out with and who he couldn't and he actually listened! We are at the point now with him that he breaks every rule... EVERY rule! We made the decision a while back to let him live here for safety's sake. I may should recap on that...
You see, several months ago, we gave Stephan the option to follow the rules of our home- to get to live in our home- "or" if he couldn't follow the rules, he'd have to leave! He decided that he couldn't follow the rules, so Richard took him into town and dropped him off! His disrespect, drug use and behavior had gotten so bad that we came to this decision. Previously, we had taken everything from him but his underwear and ...we... were out of options! Curfews? Joke... He just won't come home! Take his car? Joke... He'll just "walk" into town, ride his skateboard into town, or call a friend! Take his cell phone? Joke... He'll walk to a gas station and call someone to come pick him up from there!!! Block phone numbers on his cell phone? Joke... He'll use someone else's! Change his number? Joke... He'll just give it out again! He already had no TV, video games, I Pod.. must I go on? So, giving him this option was our only choice, but was still an excruciating decision to take him into town and leave him there- which- we had done before he found The Bloods! I just couldn't believe we had really come to the place where we had no other options!!! Right before living with the Bloods, he lived under a bridge for two nights. Then lived with the gangsters for months. I mourned everyday for his safety... It was a decision to hopefully allow him to hit rock bottom, so that he would realize once again that he needed to make changes in his life! Not an easy thing for a mother to allow... As the story continues, he was beaten up twice. The first time this happened, he called us "sober," -we picked him up "drunk..." He stayed one night with us and because of getting drunk "after" he called, Richard told him we'd give him a safe place to stay that night, but that he'd have to make arrangements in the morning. He went back... and was beaten up again. He calls again, sober and we pick him up... sober! He told us he was tired of "thugging it" and wanted to live by our rules at home, so we let him come back. We also decided that he was safer living with us and prayed his drug use had come to a close. I fear for his life.. you just have no idea! Thus, this was the decision to let him live here...
Ok, back to where I was: Since living here, he's done such a good job of hiding drugs and alcohol use until a few weeks ago. He was distraught over a girl one day (Morgan..) She doesn't care about him... I have no idea why in the world he continued to pursue her! Oh wait... I do... sex. I think that's probably the truth. He found himself in a drunken stupor! Well, we found him... It wasn't hard. He was outside on our street yelling and cussing. Richard tried to calm him. He threw his liquor bottle on the street and busted it. Seeing him like this forced me to nervous tears. My body was trembling in sheer panic, because he was in a rage, running up and down the streets actually doing damage to our neighbors property! I ran to get the phone. Richard called the police. About seven minutes later as I was crying and sweeping glass into a dust pan off the street...they came. Stephan was still walking around hysterical. The police caught up to him and they cuffed him, put him in the car and took him to jail... This is his second time in jail. As they drove by me, I didn't know if I wanted to look at Stephan or not. I didn't know if I could look at my baby boy that I loved being hauled off to jail. For some reason, without even thinking, I looked up and met eyes with him in the back seat of the car. He was looking at me with such hatred. Although our eyes only met for that brief moment, my heart felt as if had been removed from my body and was there ready to sweep up with all the broken pieces of glass. I felt helpless...once again.
We had decided were not going to bail him out!! He would be in there until his court date....Guess what? His friend Tony bailed him out! We later told Tony that this was none of his business, but Tony is an adult, he is legally able... Nothing we could do!
Tony was in pitiful shape himself! He was kicked out of the Alabama children's home for drugs and has recently went to live with the man who adopted him -and then left him at the children's home when he was nine...
So, after jail, Stephan began practically living with a new friend, Caleb. Caleb's parents had been missionaries for 15 years. Sounds like a promising situation right? Well, Caleb and Stephan were doing drugs together. Over the course of three days they had inhaled 13 air dusters, smoked pot and over dosed on Musinex DM! Richard's secretary saw Stephan laying in the parking lot where Richard works!! She went to get Richard, so Richard got him up, then called me. Caleb was also as high as Stephan, and come to find out, he was in his car somewhere nearby. Yes, they were driving!!!!!!
Richard had both boys in his truck and left Caleb's car at the plant. We both agreed that we should call Caleb's Dad, so Richard did. His dad came to our house. Caleb had admitted to thinking of committing suicide during the week and had made plans to actually do it and he said that Stephan saved him by coming to his house! Caleb had planned to put a noose around his neck, inhale air duster, pass out, hang himself and he would not feel any pain. I'm going to tell you, this was a rough day filled with one terrible disaster after another. Both boys are now at my house, high as kites, throwing up, slurring all over the place, not even able to walk with noodles for legs. Lord, how can things get worse...? In the meantime, Richard and Caleb's dad were trying to figure out the best options for the boys. Caleb's dad had no idea about the suicide and was devastated to learn of it! He told us that he knew he was smoking a little pot and that was all.
We called a Rehab Facility that we knew of. We've researched many just over the course of time and had a good idea of one. We talked to Stephan "as best as someone can talk to an intoxicated person" and Stephan wanted to go. He FINALLY wanted to go. Had he hit rock bottom? Richard and I knew that Rehab would do Stephan no good unless he will willing to work the program. We had also been told this same thing by others who have had family members in Rehab, but we also didn't want Stephan to die!! When we arrived just hours later, he was coming down, but still wanted to be there. Then, all of a sudden he starts changing his mind. He kept saying he could do this himself. He said, "I know I have to do this, but I can do it on my own!!!" We reminded him of different times of doing well and he always, always found himself right back in the middle of it all! He couldn't stay away! He finally convinced himself that he needed to stay again and agreed with us.
He's been there for almost two weeks. We talk to him for 10 minutes three nights a week and visit on Saturdays. He is reading his Bible for the first time in a long time. We are fervently praying and sending him letters, devotions, etc. He is praying and says that he is trying to get his life right with God. He is learning a lot about himself and it pin-pointing areas of his life that he has gained a lot of insight and understanding in. He's working on his emotions. He's in group, working the 12 steps, counseling... etc.. etc...
That's where we are. I am digging for scripture for comfort and scripture to comfort him. He is very fearful about coming home!! Very fearful... His whole life has to change... I mean his WHOLE life!
I am very fearful about him coming home. My emotions have been so crazy. I am scared... I admit it! It scares me at the thought of him being back and the unknown. I have confidence that God will give me strength I need for each step of the way. That is my only comfort in this time of sincere desperation and I pray that my child will begin to heal.
Oh God, please watch over him. Be his guide and his shelter. May he find refuge under your wings during this storm he is going through. May you guide him safely through, so that he can see the light of your Son when it passes over. Give him courage and strength and determination to defeat this addiction within him. By the power of your Word may he learn that he is not worthless, but he is Your child and your love is unconditional. May he come to repentance and fall on his knees before You. May his life be forever changed and may You get the glory for all that is endured..
In Jesus Name Amen!
