If you have a child on drugs, then it's probable that you have felt as if your child, you, or even your own character or parenting ability has been evaluated by many others. You have been critiqued. You've been examined and measured. You've been judged! Ouch, that's such a harsh word...
I think that for most women, it's so easy for us to wear our emotions on our sleeves. When things like this happen, it cuts deep. These types of hurts leave wounds and scars that are not easily healed. Women loose trust in others, especially in other women when they have been hurt. What's worse, is they loose their freedom in finding confidence in others to seek wise counsel or.. just a shoulder to cry on. It's a lonely battle to face alone.
For "a mother"... feeling as if you are being judged because of the actions of your teen leaves you with a "fight or flight" feeling almost. We are protective! We either want to push our child behind us while we duke it out with someone, or we want to snatch our child up into our arms and run to get away from whatever we feel could bring hurt to our child! Now, I would never duke it out with someone, but just for the sake of letting you know how I feel, those words do seem to have the punch I was looking for!
I tell you, the feeling of being judged, critiqued, measured, examined... or even "thinking" we are being judged, especially from ones we know in the Christian community, is a feeling that can bring the most hurt to our hearts. How do you get the feeling that you're being judged? Well, sometimes, it can be things that people say to you or your child. Sometimes, it's a look or a stare. Sometimes, it's someone ignoring you in the grocery store and acting as if you are not even there. Sometimes, it's the way they squint to look at your child, then at you. It's those curious expressions that make you feel as if you are being examined, when truthfully, you really have no idea what they are thinking! I've questioned my paranoia several times! I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just me! At times, it has been me... Other times, it hasn't. Someone has verbalized harsh statements to me and it hurts...it just does.
Sometimes, members of your own family... your own "flesh and blood," can be harsh in their opinions of what you should do or say... or what you "should've" done!! Thankfully, ours have not. They've been mostly hurt themselves by Stephan's choices. They love him and want what's best for him as we do. They want to help, but don't have the slightest idea how. They are in the same situation as we are as far as having a desire to do something or say "just the right thing" to change him or change his mind about his choices! I know myself that only Stephan can do this himself. Stephan allowing Christ to change him from the inside out is his only hope and we can't make that decision for him either.. I pray earnestly for a turning point in his life.
Some of my family members are not even Christians, so why does it seem that they love him unconditionally and do not even understand the unconditional love of God? Why do some Christians that I am surrounded by, who do understand sin, being saved from sin themselves, and who "do" also understand the unconditional love that God gives- not see Stephan as God does?
The verse in Romans 5:8 is coming to mind:
But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
I tell you, I would be lying if I said to you- "Girl, I am suuuch a strong Christian- I have rose above all of this.. yes I have!" I could even say it with a little "tude" and with total confidence in myself! Perhaps a little jerking of the head as I say it with some "tude!" Yeah, that's it!!
The truth is: I am "trying" to rise above. I am seeking God's Word for comfort and understanding. I am asking Him for strength to not ever, ever make someone else feel as I have been made to feel by others. I am learning...
My husband gave the challenge for everyone in our Sunday School class to read all of Psalms 119 before eating lunch yesterday! People usually go to lunch right after church and Psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, so this was a great challenge!! I began my reading in the car after church and at our table as I sat with a bowl of hot chips right in front of me. Psalms 119 is about God's Word! As we read through, we see words like law, testimonies, ways, precepts, statutes, commandments, judgements, and Word. These are all synonyms "for" God's Word in this chapter. This whole chapter describes the importance of God's Word! It is a lengthy celebration of God's Word! The psalmist can not stop praising God for His mercy and goodness in providing His people with instructions for living!! The psalmist has a sincere hunger and thirst for the Word...
As I read through, it spoke to me in many ways. The more I read, I not only was NOT tempted by the hot chips in front of me... I was comforted. I was satisfied as I found myself eating from God's Word.
Verse 9: "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to your Word." Just as I said above, Stephan, or your child, can only cleanse their way if they take heed to God's Word.
In verse 11, it reminded me that I am to hide God's Word in my heart that I might not sin against Him.
Verse 17 asks for God to deal bountifully with us and we may live and keep His Word.
Verse 21, God rebukes the proud.
Verse 22, asks God to remove reproach and contempt from our lives. Right after that in 23, he says that princes have sat and spoke against him, but he meditated on His statutes.. 24, Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors!
28-32, his soul is heavy.. He asks for strength according to God's Word. He desires truth and shows a willingness to follow. He asks God to enlarge his heart!
In 69, the proud forged lies against him. In 70, their hearts are fat as grease. In 78, he asks that the proud be ashamed, for they treated him wrongfully with falsehood, and he will meditate on His Precepts.
80- Let MY heart be blameless regarding Your Statutes, that I may not be ashamed.
If you read on and on through these 176 verses, you can see that the psalmist describes a hostile world that we live in. But in the same breath, he describes a deep desire to remain faithful to God and His Word. He expresses an allegiance to God's Word that he will not abandon, even under pressure! He regularly affirms a delight in God's Word! : )
You would also assume that the people the psalmist is speaking of that bring hurt to him are non- believers. They probably are... But there are verses in scripture that speaks of carnality and immature Christians such as 1 Corinthians 3:1-3: "1 Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?"
I just have to remind myself that perhaps people that I encounter are possibly not in God's Word. Maybe... they are having an "off" day. We all do from time to time. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe "I" am judging someone for their curious expressions, assuming I know what they are thinking! If people I encounter are not seeking God, or are not in His Word, then how can they possibly have the right attitude toward others?
One example, of someone not having a right attitude.. and the only example I'll give is probably a result of a fellow brother not being in God's Word, or just not living it out for this moment, but here it is: Stephan was at church and in the Gatheria with a young girl. This is a girl that we have been praying about. She's a sweet-heart. She and Stephan would make such a good match, although it's not for us to determine. : ) Back peddling a bit, back to the past- Stephan had made a remark a few months ago that he just needed a good girl and that perhaps this "good girl" could encourage him to be better. Well, this is a hole that only Christ can fill, but surrounding himself with people who bring encouragement him and lift him up is- in my opinion, also heading in a positive direction! Anyway, they were together in the Gatheria. Someone walked up to she and Stephan. He was an adult... He spoke to Stephan's friend, Allison. They exchanged some "how are you's." Then, this adult said to her... "I see who you are with!" He said this right in front of Stephan! My heart was broken as Stephan was telling me this... Stephan, said that he told this man this: " I know my life isn't perfect, but I guess you didn't hear Brother Doug's sermon today about love and forgiveness and that all people sin. There are people in this world that only come to church just to say they came. They really don't love God and they are hypocrites. There are also people that come to church and say they love God and treat people mean.. Well, they are hypocrites too!" Then Stephan walked off.... and left them both standing. Stephan was right...! People that say they love God, but treat people mean, I'd have to say is the worst Hypocrite of all...
I think that for most women, it's so easy for us to wear our emotions on our sleeves. When things like this happen, it cuts deep. These types of hurts leave wounds and scars that are not easily healed. Women loose trust in others, especially in other women when they have been hurt. What's worse, is they loose their freedom in finding confidence in others to seek wise counsel or.. just a shoulder to cry on. It's a lonely battle to face alone.
For "a mother"... feeling as if you are being judged because of the actions of your teen leaves you with a "fight or flight" feeling almost. We are protective! We either want to push our child behind us while we duke it out with someone, or we want to snatch our child up into our arms and run to get away from whatever we feel could bring hurt to our child! Now, I would never duke it out with someone, but just for the sake of letting you know how I feel, those words do seem to have the punch I was looking for!
I tell you, the feeling of being judged, critiqued, measured, examined... or even "thinking" we are being judged, especially from ones we know in the Christian community, is a feeling that can bring the most hurt to our hearts. How do you get the feeling that you're being judged? Well, sometimes, it can be things that people say to you or your child. Sometimes, it's a look or a stare. Sometimes, it's someone ignoring you in the grocery store and acting as if you are not even there. Sometimes, it's the way they squint to look at your child, then at you. It's those curious expressions that make you feel as if you are being examined, when truthfully, you really have no idea what they are thinking! I've questioned my paranoia several times! I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just me! At times, it has been me... Other times, it hasn't. Someone has verbalized harsh statements to me and it hurts...it just does.
Sometimes, members of your own family... your own "flesh and blood," can be harsh in their opinions of what you should do or say... or what you "should've" done!! Thankfully, ours have not. They've been mostly hurt themselves by Stephan's choices. They love him and want what's best for him as we do. They want to help, but don't have the slightest idea how. They are in the same situation as we are as far as having a desire to do something or say "just the right thing" to change him or change his mind about his choices! I know myself that only Stephan can do this himself. Stephan allowing Christ to change him from the inside out is his only hope and we can't make that decision for him either.. I pray earnestly for a turning point in his life.
Some of my family members are not even Christians, so why does it seem that they love him unconditionally and do not even understand the unconditional love of God? Why do some Christians that I am surrounded by, who do understand sin, being saved from sin themselves, and who "do" also understand the unconditional love that God gives- not see Stephan as God does?
The verse in Romans 5:8 is coming to mind:
But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
I tell you, I would be lying if I said to you- "Girl, I am suuuch a strong Christian- I have rose above all of this.. yes I have!" I could even say it with a little "tude" and with total confidence in myself! Perhaps a little jerking of the head as I say it with some "tude!" Yeah, that's it!!
The truth is: I am "trying" to rise above. I am seeking God's Word for comfort and understanding. I am asking Him for strength to not ever, ever make someone else feel as I have been made to feel by others. I am learning...
My husband gave the challenge for everyone in our Sunday School class to read all of Psalms 119 before eating lunch yesterday! People usually go to lunch right after church and Psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, so this was a great challenge!! I began my reading in the car after church and at our table as I sat with a bowl of hot chips right in front of me. Psalms 119 is about God's Word! As we read through, we see words like law, testimonies, ways, precepts, statutes, commandments, judgements, and Word. These are all synonyms "for" God's Word in this chapter. This whole chapter describes the importance of God's Word! It is a lengthy celebration of God's Word! The psalmist can not stop praising God for His mercy and goodness in providing His people with instructions for living!! The psalmist has a sincere hunger and thirst for the Word...
As I read through, it spoke to me in many ways. The more I read, I not only was NOT tempted by the hot chips in front of me... I was comforted. I was satisfied as I found myself eating from God's Word.
Verse 9: "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to your Word." Just as I said above, Stephan, or your child, can only cleanse their way if they take heed to God's Word.
In verse 11, it reminded me that I am to hide God's Word in my heart that I might not sin against Him.
Verse 17 asks for God to deal bountifully with us and we may live and keep His Word.
Verse 21, God rebukes the proud.
Verse 22, asks God to remove reproach and contempt from our lives. Right after that in 23, he says that princes have sat and spoke against him, but he meditated on His statutes.. 24, Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors!
28-32, his soul is heavy.. He asks for strength according to God's Word. He desires truth and shows a willingness to follow. He asks God to enlarge his heart!
In 69, the proud forged lies against him. In 70, their hearts are fat as grease. In 78, he asks that the proud be ashamed, for they treated him wrongfully with falsehood, and he will meditate on His Precepts.
80- Let MY heart be blameless regarding Your Statutes, that I may not be ashamed.
If you read on and on through these 176 verses, you can see that the psalmist describes a hostile world that we live in. But in the same breath, he describes a deep desire to remain faithful to God and His Word. He expresses an allegiance to God's Word that he will not abandon, even under pressure! He regularly affirms a delight in God's Word! : )
You would also assume that the people the psalmist is speaking of that bring hurt to him are non- believers. They probably are... But there are verses in scripture that speaks of carnality and immature Christians such as 1 Corinthians 3:1-3: "1 Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?"
I just have to remind myself that perhaps people that I encounter are possibly not in God's Word. Maybe... they are having an "off" day. We all do from time to time. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe "I" am judging someone for their curious expressions, assuming I know what they are thinking! If people I encounter are not seeking God, or are not in His Word, then how can they possibly have the right attitude toward others?
One example, of someone not having a right attitude.. and the only example I'll give is probably a result of a fellow brother not being in God's Word, or just not living it out for this moment, but here it is: Stephan was at church and in the Gatheria with a young girl. This is a girl that we have been praying about. She's a sweet-heart. She and Stephan would make such a good match, although it's not for us to determine. : ) Back peddling a bit, back to the past- Stephan had made a remark a few months ago that he just needed a good girl and that perhaps this "good girl" could encourage him to be better. Well, this is a hole that only Christ can fill, but surrounding himself with people who bring encouragement him and lift him up is- in my opinion, also heading in a positive direction! Anyway, they were together in the Gatheria. Someone walked up to she and Stephan. He was an adult... He spoke to Stephan's friend, Allison. They exchanged some "how are you's." Then, this adult said to her... "I see who you are with!" He said this right in front of Stephan! My heart was broken as Stephan was telling me this... Stephan, said that he told this man this: " I know my life isn't perfect, but I guess you didn't hear Brother Doug's sermon today about love and forgiveness and that all people sin. There are people in this world that only come to church just to say they came. They really don't love God and they are hypocrites. There are also people that come to church and say they love God and treat people mean.. Well, they are hypocrites too!" Then Stephan walked off.... and left them both standing. Stephan was right...! People that say they love God, but treat people mean, I'd have to say is the worst Hypocrite of all...
Now, I do have to say... this is one person out of 1000 that have been nothing but encouraging to Stephan. We have a wonderful church family. I think this particular person saying this really got to me, because he and his wife also have a son that has been/is still on drugs. Shouldn't he have more of an understanding and compassion for Stephan? Like I said, perhaps this was just not his day where he lived out God's Word... Maybe he's struggling in another area and he spoke out of his own frustrations... I don't know...
Well, my conclusions to all of this is:
It doesn't matter what others do or say. What matters most is that I am doing what I need to do for my own life to live according to God's Word and do what pleases Him and do what brings glory to Him. I am praying for my son... There are others praying for him as well. If some people think I am a bad mother or a bad person.. or that my child is... Well, what matters most is what my Heavenly Father knows. He sees into the depth of our hearts. His Holy Spirit resides within me. The only person I am accountable to is Him. The only person I need to please is Him. The source of my guidance and direction- is Him!
What matters- is how "I" respond or how I treat others. I am to also love my enemies and those who may spitefully use me. I have to remember that I am blessed when I am persecuted (Matt. 5:11) As long as I am living, learning, and loving I am pleasing my Father and He will bring blessing to me and my family. As long as He is leading me, then our decisions are between He and us, they are of no consequence to anyone else. I have to place my trust in Him. Not feel fulfillment in pleasing anyone.. but Him. This brings me to a place of perfect peace...
It does hurt to know your child is hurt, especially by someone that you expect to show grace and mercy. I also talked to Stephan about it and told him the man was wrong. I told him I was sorry he was hurt. We talked about the things he said to the man. At the same time, although the man was wrong, I told Stephan that he needs to forgive him. I believe Stephan understood. God has taught me more about grace, mercy and compassion for my own life lately... I am trying to teach that to my son... and that, my friend's... is what matters most.
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