As you know from my last post, Stephan left home. He chose to leave because he said that he could not follow our rules and my husband helped him pack a bag and took him into town and let him out. This was one of the most devastating decisions that we've made so far. I know my son is 17, but the thoughts of him walking down the road, in the dark with nothing but his backpack breaks a mother's heart. I am tearing up just writing this. My husband would not let me go.. of course, I didn't want to. I couldn't bear watching him walk away...homeless.
He stayed with his friend, who is also on drugs, for three days. During these three days, he did "live it up," so to speak. I knew he would. He called home high needing food. He said there was nothing at all to eat there and I believed him! The house itself looks like a home you would see on "Hoarders." There are dogs in the house, which do their business in the floor and no one cleans up! Yes... I know! Anyway, I asked him how much money he had and told him that he would need to skate or walk to the grocery store and buy him some food. Of course he played games with me and kept calling, but as much as I wanted to rescue him, I stood firm knowing that this may be our last chance at letting him learn just how great this lifestyle really was!!! He called my husband.. Richard asked him what his food budget was. Stephan said, "four dollars." So, Richard went to Publix and bought him bologna and a loaf of bread that Stephan paid for. Richard dropped it off and left. Stephan ate bologna till his heart was content.. um no, until he was sick of it! Finally, like I said after three days, he came home. He was complaining about the environment there. I reminded him of how lucky he was to have a clean home and a bed to sleep in.. food to eat etc. He actually agreed with me! He told me... (this is his words) how stupid they were for living that way and why can't people just clean up and live right! All you moms out there know what I was thinking about my own son, but I didn't say anything, I just let him complain hoping that he would talk himself into repentance! He said he almost starved and he would never eat bologna again! I was internally glad, you know, doing a jig inside--my happy dance--although, again, I didn't say a thing! I did ask him about his desire to live on his own, to get away from us and our rules. I asked him if it was as easy as he thought it would be and he did say no. He said he knew now that he couldn't afford it. He told me he'd need a full time job. All the things he was saying were very promising. I felt a glimmer of hope welling up inside me! How long would I get to feel this?
The next morning, he got mad because he couldn't find his cigarettes! This is what he does coming off drugs. I had learned to recognize it now. It was a fit of rage really! He was hitting his walls and punching his door. It was so terrible, I locked myself in my room and called my Richard to come home from work! When he arrived, he talked to Stephan, got him calmed down, but when they came back in, they went up to pack again.... my glimmer of hope was now extinguished! He took Stephan back into town where he wound up back at this same kids house for two more days until..........
Until... about 10:30 one night, we got a call from the alarm system company that monitors security at my husband's plant! The alarm had went off! I was almost relieved that it wasn't the police calling about Stephan! We got in the car and were on our way down there. In the mean time, my husband was speaking with the police on the phone- who had just arrived- and said that someone had broken in. They had thrown a huge landscape brick through a window and climbed in. We immediately suspected Stephan. Oh how I was praying for him to have nothing to do with this!! We arrived... Someone had climbed in, cut themselves, turned OFF the alarm, because they "KNEW" the code, stole cash from the cash box, and went out a back door. This was the worst moment of my life thus far... I'm staring into the face of a police officer knowing that it was my son... knowing and not "really" knowing all at the same time what was about to happen! We told the officers that we suspected our son, because whoever it was knew the code to disarm the security system. There was blood everywhere.. even on the wall beside the keypad... it was a bloody handprint that may belong to my son... I was sick...
My husband told them where to find our son, they went straight there and questioned him and saw the cut on his hand. There were two others involved. They cuffed them and took them downtown!
After I had time to process this in my mind, I thought, ok, this is the breaking point! He's in jail... We've come to the end of the road. It's time to act. It's now or never. My child is in JAIL!
I heard recently that when your children are small you are a cop! You monitor their behavior and when they mess up they are disciplined accordingly, but when they are teens, parents should be able to shift from cop mode to coach mode. We give them great advice and then give them the choice to make the right decision! I guess it's sort of a trial and error type of thing that they are still learning from their mistakes. I felt like that's what we did when we let him pack his stuff! Well, he did NOT make the right decisions! When they can't make the right decisions, you have no choice but to make decisions for your child, because they are not capable! I'm not sure if that means we are sort of cop and coach now... I just don't know. All I do know is there are real cops involved now.
Because Stephan was 17, they could not keep him unless my husband or Chuck, the president of the company pressed charges! My husband was on the phone with the police for, what seemed forever! That police officer had also had problems with his son, so he really helped us make some decisions. First, my husband had to call and wake up the president of his company to inform him of everything that had taken place that night. It was 2:30 am!! I could tell that this was not an easy call for Richard. Chuck is also his friend... but still this is Richard's boss and this is his company and our son stole from him. We were humiliated.
The police officer mentioned the CHINS (Child In Need of Supervision) program to Richard. We had already looked into CHINS when Stephan got caught selling marijuana to a kid he knew!! So.. we knew a little about it. Basically, you are transferring your parental rights to your child to the court system and they determine what's best for your child because the parents have exhausted their options! Your child is on "probation" so to speak and will report to a probation officer for drug testing once a month, they access your child to see if counseling is needed or rehab is needed etc.
Richard and Chuck decided that instead of pressing charges that this would be the best route to take for now. We met with Stephan's probation officer for the first time, they accessed him... I even had to take a test! We made an appointment for his first counseling secession. His drug test came back negative! Stephan knew he would have to take one. However, I will have to say that this was a real eye-opener for Stephan! He knows he was lucky! His probation officer was none to easy on him and for that I am glad!!!! She told him EXACTLY where he was headed if he didn't get it together! She asked him if he enjoyed his ride downtown!
Here is a link to the CHINS program:
http://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-and-families/chinsIt has been three months now.. or he's been three times to the probation office and he's clean!!! Praise God!! My son is cleeeeeaaannn! His behavior is different! Day by day I could see my old Stephan resurfacing! He's jokey... he goofy, he's responsible! I had forgotten who he was. I actually thought that his personality was just who he was becoming and I didn't realize the effect that drugs was having on that! He's keeping his room clean again and fusses at ME when I need to tidy up downstairs.... He even helps me! He has a girlfriend! By her coming into the picture has kept him away from all the guys he was around. This has been a blessing! We are not letting them go out yet... He's got a lot of trust to earn back.
Stephan's first counseling secession went great, but he does not want to go back. He says that he has goals. One, to stay off drugs, two to earn his money for his car insurance to be able to drive again, three to start college!!! Did you hear that? COLLEGE!!!! He says he had to do this on his own.... I disagree with him, which is why me and Richard are still in discussion about continuing the counseling. He has to want to go for it to do any good... But, if he does go- even if he don't want to at first, he may find that he's glad he is going for more support and accountability!
We are still not out of the woods... By no means are we! I will willingly admit that by now, I am not a naive parent and I do have concerns that when this probation period is over what we may face. My prayers are that by then he will have seen what life is like without drugs and that he will choose not to revert back into that behavior.
For now, we are still working on occasional outbursts of anger. His probation officer gave him a list of every job opening here and he has applied for three so far. His job that he works now does not give him many hours at all. That's another thing, Stephan has too much time on his hands. He neeeeeeds to be busy! He needs structure and somewhat of a set schedule! He's in the beginning stages of working toward his goals.
Turning him in was the best thing we've done so far... It gave us a foot-hold once again. Gave us a sense of control and gave him major accountability! If Stephan does not comply he will be facing boot camp for boys. So far, so good....
"(We can) be confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)Stephan can't get away from God, He is his child. He was saved at an early age, but has strayed. God will complete the work He began in Stephan one day. It's a promise...
