Stephan's surgery to have the hardware removed from his jaw was this morning at
7:45. Yesterday was "court" for his broken jaw, so he was home with me all day. Thursday- he has court again for three tickets he got in one night driving Caleb's car!!! Yes, you heard me right, three tickets! What a week!!!!!
We got up bright and early this morning and left. We didn't talk much all the way to the Oral Surgeons Office. I guess we were both still in the process of waking up! I did have the radio tuned to my favorite Christian radio station. I was hoping to pour some kind of goodness into him today! He just sat and listened...
The surgery went great! Our doctor is also aware of Stephan's drug issues. Stephan has been put under anesthesia twice now. Once to have the wires put on and today to have everything taken off. Dr. D was very concerned about him afterward. He pulled me off to the side with his nurse and told me that he had to use eight times the amount of drug to get Stephan under than what may kill a normal person! OH, gosh, I suddenly felt nauseous. Dr. D is a former military guy, so he doesn't cut you any slack. He just says it like it is! He told me that Stephan had also mentioned a drug called Ketamine while he was coming too. He asked Dr. D if he used this particular drug to put him under. Dr. D was astounded that he knew about Ketamine and asked Stephan if he'd used it. Stephan told him he had- about three times. Dr. D told me while Stephan was in recovery that this drug is usually used in Veterinary medicine and is other wise known as a horse tranquilizer! He also said that it is used with another drug- a sedative and when not used with the sedative it can cause a rapid rise in blood pressure and basically, you stroke or can have a heart attack and die! I guess you can guess how horrified I felt at that point just imagining all this!
Dr. D knew about Stephan's drug use before his first surgery. We had discussed that with him prior to it, because of our concerns of having him put under anesthesia. Now, we are on surgery #2! Dr. D, his nurse and I discussed Stephan's extensive drug use (outside our home) and the fact that he'd been to Rehab and how it was a waste of time! I told Dr. D that keeping Stephan "at" home was basically impossible! I guess in the back of my mind I feel like I have to explain Stephan being away from our home at times... I feel like people think that he shouldn't be allowed to spend time away from us under the circumstances! I totally agree!!! BUT- When you have a 19 year old who walks out of your house on foot and your husband is chasing him up the road either on foot or in his car and your son will NOT get in your vehicle or be coaxed back home, what do you do? You let him go... Now, if he's drunk and hitting road signs with his golf club, you call the police! Been there.. done that!
Dr. D and the nurse both understood our situation. Dr. D has had a child in this same situation and the nurse has had a brother who was a addict. It was comforting having someone listen for a change... I also told Dr. D that Stephan was living with us for now, but we were considering other options now that this surgery is over. I also told him that he had been asked to leave our home on two other previous occasions, letting him know that we weren't above kicking him out if we thought it could help him! I told Dr. D that we were Christians and that Stephan has had a foundation built beneath him. I told him that Stephan has a wonderful father and that Stephan has everything he needs to fall back on and to be successful in this world. He agreed...
Dr. D talked about Stephan driving and meeting up with friends he doesn't need to be with. I immediately chimed in and told him that Stephan "has" a car... but it's been in our garage for almost 6 months. I told him he "has" insurance on it (that he pays) and it's just sitting there! I explained that we told Stephan to suspend it, so that he isn't paying for insurance he isn't using. Stephan didn't call... so, come April, he will have wasted 1300.00! Dr. D raised his eyebrows and smiled... He said, "you guys are pretty hard core, that's good!" I said, "well, we do our best to love him, but also try not to enable!" He said it sounds like you guys are doing all the right things...
As I continued talking to Dr. D about Stephan living with us and how I felt about him not being allowed to live here. I told him I was fearful for Stephan's life. I teared up at that point and just plainly told him I didn't want my son to die. He said he completely understood and that it was such a hard decision to make... you feel like you are making a gamble with some one's life trying to help them get well. Dr. D told me that he did make the decision to ask his daughter to leave and that she had to eat out of trash cans a couple of times! He also said "that's what woke her up!" She "realized" she was eating out of a TRASH CAN and that life didn't have to be this way!
Dr. D told me that there weren't many people like me and my husband. That was very humbling to hear, but it made me feel like I was on the right track of some sorts! He said he sees people 39-55 years old coming in his office for oral surgery day in and day out who are addicts! He said these people still live with their mother, they have no jobs!!! He said their mother sits there stroking their poor little heads! He said, "what they really need is for someone to kick their ASS!"
(Sorry for the cuss word- just quoting!)
He told me that Stephan would probably begin lying to me within the hour, begging for his pain meds. He told me that he wouldn't need one for at least an hour and a half. I contemplated not even having the prescription filled! Dr. D only gave him 14 hydrocodone's, which made me feel better, but told me Stephan could eat these like M&M's. He also told me not to let him go to sleep and to make sure he didn't do any other "drug" besides what he prescribed for 5 hours because his risk of death at that point would be very high! I told Dr. D that (as far as I knew, there weren't any "drugs" at our home!)
I know that Ibuprofen will not take surgery pain away... and I don't want anyone to suffer! I made a decision to have it filled, but to keep the bottle "on me" at all times! We got Stephan in the car. Dr. D said that he wanted to watch Stephan walk. He said he shouldn't be able to walk to the car through the waiting area with all that he pumped into him- but guess what? Stephan walked through the waiting area! This just lets me know that my son is in really, really big trouble. His tolerance for narcotics is so high. I just can't seem to stomach all this... I love my son so much, but feel as if my hands are tied. Truth is, they are and it's just not fair.
We got in the car and he mentioned pain meds! Dr. D was wrong... is wasn't within the hour- it was before we got out of the parking lot! I did tell Stephan exactly what Dr. D said about "other" drugs too! I try to put fear into him thinking it might help, but it hasn't in the past! I've warned him verbally and I've even printed things for him to read... trying my best to educate him the risks that doing drugs has on his life!
All of a sudden, Stephan said, "where is that paper (prescription)?" I asked him what he wanted with it. He said "it's my pain meds!" I told Stephan that holding the paper wouldn't make him feel any better! He said, "I want it!" I said, "What are you going to do, eat it? I really don't think that will help!!" -Then I told him to shut up....! Something every loving mother should say to their child right after surgery, right? Gosh...
I prayed all the way home... I feel weary... Another thing I didn't mention that is adding to my weariness is: Two to three days before the surgery- when Stephan wasn't home- I was sitting in a chair eating my lunch. All of a sudden, this weird looking bird flew into the living room window. It just kept pecking and flying around the window as if it were trying to get in the house. I even have it on video. It attacked my window for 5 hours! I don't know why, but when all this was going on, fear came upon me. I felt the urgent need to pray for Stephan!!! I did... I prayed for his life! I prayed that God would protect him and overshadow him. I asked God to spare his life and that Stephan would begin desiring help. I asked God to let him live. I asked God to use Stephan's circumstances for His glory one day. After I finished praying, I called Caleb's phone and Stephan answered. You don't know how wonderful it was to hear his voice. He was ok...
I called Richard at work for some reason and while I had him on the phone, I told him about this bird, the feelings I had and talking to Stephan. He said, "YOUR KIDDING?" I was fearfully, curious about such a questionable response from Richard! I said, "NO, why?" He told me that a crow had been doing the same exact thing to the window where he works!!! I was blown away! My sense of fear only intensified for some reason. Maybe it was because it was a crow... an ugly black crow! I don't know if God is trying to tell us something or what. We both have this unsettling feeling and we don't know why... I can't believe this happened to both of us at the same time. My bird has been at it now for three days. The crow is now gone from Richard's plant, thank God. Richard and I both prayed for Stephan last night... then I finally fell asleep.
Back to surgery day- When I arrived back into the town we live in, I got Stephan's pills filled, got him something to eat, then found out that my other son was very sick! Stephan was awake, alert and talking to me, so I decided to stop by and get my son, Brandon and bring him home with me too. While we were at Brandon's waiting for him to shower, I realized we were about two hours passed the surgery and Stephan kept begging for a pill, so I finally gave him one. I figured he was probably legitimately in pain by now. I kept my purse with me- in which Stephan even said something about that. He said, "What do you think I'll do, steal my pills?" I thought- yeah, you probably would.. but I didn't say it. He acted like he chewed it up only to discover 15 minutes later, he never took it! I still don't know why he did this, showed it to me, then really chewed it up right in front of me!
I got both my boys home, made Brandon something to eat then Stephan starts acting like he's five years old. He was dancing, hopping, laughing, running through the house... aggravating both of us to death with his actions and things he was saying! He kept asking me for spare change to get him some cigarettes. I told him I wouldn't contribute to anything that could bring harm to him! He said that he would buy them, and that I just needed to give him 5 dollars! I reminded him that I was NOT giving him 5 dollars and that I was NOT going to drive him to buy cigarettes! He said Caleb was going to bring him some cigarettes! I told him I couldn't stop Caleb from bringing him some, but I told him if Caleb does, Caleb can leave fast as he got here! I also told Stephan if he chose to leave with Caleb not to come back home! Stephan acted a little intimidated at that comment, because I really think he wants to live here- just on his terms and that ain't gonna fly!
*I have been listening in on Stephan and Caleb's phone conversations...
(Nosy Mom!- Hey, I pay the bill!) This was yesterday's cigarette tantrum! I over heard Caleb telling Stephan he only had five dollars and he was in a dilemma. You see, he needed gas -and he needed cigarettes! He couldn't figure out which to buy- cause it takes gas to go buy the cigarettes! Stephan came up with the brilliant plan that Caleb could go buy cigarettes, come to our house, give him half of the cigarettes in exchange for the gas that is in our gas cans in our garage!
--Um, Stephan didn't buy that gas!--
Caleb thought that was a brilliant plan as well! Stephan told him he was going to take a shower and by that time Caleb would be here. As soon as I heard the shower cut on I ran into the garage, got all four of our cans and hid them on the other side of the house between our air conditioner units! When Stephan was finished showering, he came down, went into the garage and began searching for gas cans he would never find. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for cigarettes! I said, "In the garage?" Oh, the next few minutes was one lie after another... He even looked for "cigarettes" in our out building- which I am buying a pad lock for today!! I hate to say- No, I'm happy to say that Caleb and Stephan were both greatly disappointed that day! My thoughts- Get a JOB!
Ok, back to surgery day: As I said, I was not giving in to Stephan's cigarette tantrum today either, so he went outside and found old cigarette butts, got the (what little was left) of tobacco in them and rolled all that tobacco into one cigarette and smoked it. These old cigarettes butts were in a plastic container with a lid. I do not like him smoking.. but I will NOT allow butts in my yard and I will NOT allow smoking in my house! So.. he puts them out in a container outside. Cigarettes are really the least of our problems too, you know?
When he finally got a little nicotine fix, he began wanting another pain pill. Oh, he was relentless! I told him he could have another one in three hours as they are to be taken every four. I had them in my jacket pocket and I believe somehow he figured it out. I just can't begin to make you understand his actions. He was so childish and would not stop talking and acting silly- even for a minute. I was almost ready to call Richard at work! It was that bad. He's been that way before, but only a few times. The other episodes usually involved anger- hitting, throwing and breaking things! I didn't know if this was surgery related (coming off those drugs) or what! Well, I was standing at the counter making tea and opening the package of tea bags. In a split second, Stephan grabbed the bottle of pills out of my pocket before I could even blink! He laughed, ran out the door shaking the bottle of pills like he had just won the lottery and ran down the street until he was out of sight. I couldn't believe he did that to me. Well, I can and I can't. It's a mixture of emotions, I guess. Nothing makes sense when you're dealing with an addict. NOTHING!
I felt used and abused once again. I felt hurt once again. Such familiar feelings. I went outside and watched for Caleb to circle around the lake in our neighborhood. He circled twice as if he couldn't find Stephan.. I heard him blow his horn, so he must have seen him. I assume Stephan got into his car that time, because I watched them leave.
I suddenly remembered telling Stephan earlier, that if he left with Caleb he wasn't coming home...
I even remember thinking before I said it too. I meant it...
I also think that Stephan took a gold bracelet of mine. He said something under his breath a few days ago about pawning a gold necklace, but I don't have any gold necklaces, so I didn't think much about it. Richard bought me a gold bracelet the day I graduated high school... and I checked last night - and it's gone. I can't imagine I put it somewhere else. Stephan also stole my wedding band (that Richard bought me on our 10th anniversary) I don't wear it anymore because of my new one he bought me on our 20th.. but it was still precious! I even went to the attic last night to look in my treasure box to see if I put the bracelet in there. It wasn't there... It makes me sick to think he would take it. But.. he probably did.
I live in (my) house and when my son is here I have to hide my purse and my keys. I have to lock my car, keep him out of my bedroom and sleep with one eye open. We will find him crawling around in our closets in the dark at 3am if we don't! I have to make sure my security alarm is set when I leave my house, not so much worried about intruders, but my son breaking in. I occasionally go around making sure all the windows are locked just incase... I can't leave my son at home while I run to the store. I can't give my son money and let him run to the store for me! I constantly check to make sure my debit card, credit card and checks are all in place and no cash is missing just incase he finds my purse. I'm running out of hiding places...
I can't go into any store and not worry that my son is going to steal something while we're in there. He, Caleb and Tyler steal on a daily basis. It's become a way of life. I don't even like taking him with me when I have to go somewhere anymore for all the stares I get! I know their watching him. I can't blame them... I know they are wondering what kind of mother I am. It's human nature I guess... Until you've been in this situation, you just can't understand...
It's so sad to find comfort in him not being here... I don't find comfort with him being out on the streets either.... There is just no comfort to be found.
I am afraid that the decision has been made. I fear for his life, but until he hits rock bottom he won't be able to look up. I pray to God that He spares his life till he reaches the point to where he's had enough. Stephan knows where to turn for love and support. But it will be on our terms... not his.
