The following post is from my husband, Richard. I'm getting many e-mail responses from people hurting all over the globe and he wanted to share a little piece of his heart to you as well.... Thanks for all your responses. I haven't figured out my comments button on here yet. It's not working.. I do appreciate all of your e-mails. Keep them coming...
From
a Dads perspective…
I
have neglected to post on this as I have neglected to understand the value of a
blog until I have seen the email responses from around the world of families
who have been hurting like ours and we are farther down this path and our
experiences and emotions can offer a source of hope and encouragement.
First
of all, let me say that if our situation was with girl vs ours with our son,
all bets are off. I do believe my entire experience would have been different
due to my heart being SOFT to girls and somewhat tougher towards boys. Just how
I’m wired.. Also, I must say that Stephan is our biological son, if we would
have been in a blended family, we would have had OTHER issues to overcome.
Christel and I did not always agree on the methods of LOVE and DISCIPLINE and
IF Stephan wasn’t ONE of ours, we would have instantly BLAMED the other of
being indifferent or not loving due to this fact. My heart goes out to blended
families as this is ALWAYS in the back of your minds (I suspect).
As
a father, I am 10 foot tall and bullet proof…or at least I used to be. The
older my boys got the less important their super hero became…that’s life to
some degree. My boys always loved me through these years, which served as an
element of strength to continue to “be there” for them.
What
started out as pot, spilled over into alcohol abuse, cocaine, Roxy’s,
Dramamine, heroine (once I think), acid, mushrooms, meth, and maybe some car
battery acid...how many stupid things can you run through your body. Stephan
is now 21, works with me at my company as a machine operator (arriving at work
by 5:30am everyday), is working on starting to save for his $1,000 emergency
fund, has a car payment to build credit, and has shown signs of growing up in
this confusing ole’ world.
Looking
back we simply lost 5 years of Stephan’s life. I am a strong willed individual;
plant manager; have been a Bible study teacher for 15+ years (at that time);
served as deacon, vice chairman of deacons, and as chairman of deacons. I have
visited/served inside of a federal penitentiary with Chuck Colin’s Prison
Fellowship Ministries bla bla bla…basically
I have served in almost every capacity at our local church and have spoken from
the pulpit Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. I have humbly watched people
surrender to the Lord after those services. God has given me the privilege to
serve Him. I baptized both of my sons following professions of faith and NOW I
find my youngest in an absolute whirlwind with no end in sight.
What
would I suggest you to do in your whirlwind? Magic potion... I have none BUT God
did give me a message about it that I will share BUT before I do let me tell
you that I TRIED everything I could think of; grounding from friends, cell
phone, car etc. We got into physical altercations (I am sorry to say). We got
into verbal altercations ( I am sorry to say). I intercepted texts, emails,
phone calls, created phony facebook characters and had my son to accept me (I
guess the girls picture off of google images looked cool) [this one I am pretty
proud of actually!] All of this did nothing except to expose the UGLY and my
sweet bride always wanted to know what I found out so I then spread the UGLY
around our home and we hurt….really bad. Christel and I have been married now 25
wonder years and there was an 18 month period that we experienced turbulence in
our marriage that was foreign and dangerous to survive. I was completely
shocked that we were on different pages as often as we were. We both were
desperate to some degree.
I
suspect that most people do NOT enjoy being out of control in any area of life,
especially if it seems to be at the expense of the safety and wellbeing of a
child you dearly love. Man, these were excruciating times. Sometimes I felt
entirely too close to the situation. Our family is tight and I wondered if we
were TOO tight. Maybe not knowing would help, especially since we were unable
to deter any negative actions. The sleepness nights, edgy days, and uncertainty
raged in and out of our lives. If you are there, I really hurt and sympathize with
you. I would hold you and pray with you right now. I know that is something
tangible I could do to “be there”.
What
did GOD tell me to do?
I
am not sure if you call this a revelation but it felt like one to me. It was
short and easily spoken but proved to be impossible to do (to some degree). “Richard you are the one to administer the
primary discipline and Christel is the one to administer the primary love (no
matter the circumstance).” We both could cross the boundary of the other
BUT the instruction seemed clear to me. Christel and I did NOT agree on
what I thought I heard from GOD, which did not allow us to implement it well.
Keep in mind again, we were desperate to some degree.
Here
is a golden nugget I can pass along and I FULLY believe will work for you, IF
you are able to follow what you hear. God gave you this child. That childs DNA
and your DNA is God matched for each other. NO ONE can discipline or love this
child like you can. Do NOT under estimate your position or your place during
this time. You can do it WITH Gods help. Pray earnestly that the holy spirit
would give you the DAILY instruction as what you should do AS it is possible
that it will changed DAILY. I am afraid the tactics of war often change during
the battle. Listen and implement as best you can.
Keep
in mind: It is vitally important that you focus on ministering IN your HOME
before sending resources outside of it. Keep the home front strong. It was so
important for Christel and I to love each other during this time. We both know
the other loved Stephan that was undeniable. We also know that God has plainly
instructed us to love one another. Your child NEEDS and WANTS to see you loving
each other.
Dads
I know you hurt too. Don’t give up. Bow your head and tell our Father your
current position on this battle field and REQUEST back up. Stand secure…it’s
coming.
Richard
