The Prodigal Son/ Tough Love

I am asking myself what Stephan is learning from being away from home this time? The last time he learned that he couldn't afford to live on his own. Right now, he has no job... yes, you heard me right! He has no car.. he just wrecked it... yes, you heard me right again! Is he learning he can't afford to live on his own again? No, he already knows it, it's just a reminder...

Richard and I sat in the living room last night. It was storming, so Richard turned all the lights off. We have these glass windows up on the wall in the living room, so we enjoyed quite a light show as we had our coffee! The topic of our discussion was the Prodigal Son...

Luke 15: 11-32:
"11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. 13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. 25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' 28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ 31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Richard and I talked about this son. The prodigal thought he knew what he wanted. His father gave him what would be due him and let him go. He ran through his money through riotous living, he tried to find work, no one would give him anything, he was starving! It took him making all kinds of mistakes to come to repentance. "He came to his senses" the Bible says. I am feeling like if we try and protect Stephan it is just prolonging this "coming to his senses" state of mind! God knows, I don't want him hurt... Oh, my goodness... I pray the Lord's protection on him. I pray that God would protect Stephan from his own sinful self and the things he is doing!

Setting rules and boundaries does protect our children. Children who want to be protected follow the rules and stay within the boundaries governed by their parents. Now, do they stray as tots or teens? Some, not too far, but others, you bet! But.. do they cry their eyes and apologize over and over.. as they veer back to their senses. In most cases, yes. In cases like our son's... no! I'm not a child psychologist, so I can't really ramble on and on about the "why's" in any scenario... I only have my child and the experiences with him to go on. I do know that every child is different... What we do with our son may not necessarily be what yours needs and vice versa!

We discussed letting him have the rest of his money, which isn't much.... but he has asked for it and knows we have it. Part of me is like no!! He will squander it... He has insurance to pay.. he should go to college... etc. Right now, he's not interested in insurance- he has no car! He's not worried about college either! I definitely don't want him breaking in and trying to find it.. although it's in the bank!! but... "IF" we gave it to him and he squandered it like the prodigal son.. "IF" he has no more friends to stay with and no money to buy drugs -or- food for that matter, will this make him "come to his senses?" Would knowing he has no home, no money left in the world, no means to travel or get to a job cause him to repent? I don't know....

I long for the day that I can say, " My son who was lost, is now alive again... he was lost but now he is found...."

Love is tough sometimes... I guess that's why they call it tough love!

"Oh Lord, give us the wisdom that we need to make the right decisions for Stephan. You love us... and when we sin, you chasten us.. because you love us. You are our Great Shepherd who lovingly directs us when we stray. Use us as your vessels to direct our son back into your arms once again." In Jesus Name... amen

Our First Stab and Rehab, Grief and Decisions...

I haven't posted in a while. I need to post everyday, because something happens everyday and I learn something.. everyday! So much has happened. I think with everything that "has" gone on since February, it's easy to imagine myself fainted on the floor from mental exhaustion! I haven't fainted yet! I truly believe the Lord has sustained me. There can be no other explanation...

As I sit here right now, Stephan is gone... My husband asked him to leave- again. We don't really look at is as "we kicked him out." We look at it as- he chose not to follow our rules, which are: 1) Curfew is 11:00. 2) You must come home sober. 3) Because of the current situation, you may not "spend the night" with any friends. 4) If you miss curfew, you cannot come into our house. 5) If you come home high, you may not come into our house. 6) You may not do drugs on our property.


Now, these are pretty simple rules... We made rule #3 just incase he thought he'd be smart and think he could call us to see if he could spend the night with a friend when he knew he might be late or high..


We've made rules similar to these before... and he chose not to live by the rules once before and Richard helped him pack! He was gone for about four days. He learned nothing other than he couldn't afford to live on his own!

Well, we have come to this place once again.... Since February, he has failed drug tests at his probation visit, another wreck--he wrecked his jeep, he quit a job then got another one, he continues any and all drugs, he's been assessed by a Drug Rehab Facility who said he needed impatient, he's ran away from home, wrecked ANOTHER car... he's threatened to commit suicide over a girl, he's gotten into a fight inside Taco Bell, ran into this kids house one night in front of his parents and was threatening to beat him up. He came to his brother's wedding rehearsal high... both of our families were in town. Richard spent two nights- almost all night outside on foot, up and down the street trying to reason with him while he's hitting street signs and mailboxes with a golf club keeping us all awake, including Richard's sister, mother and brother. I was inside hearing Stephan screaming and dings and dongs on anything metal in our neighborhood! We had a wedding we were getting ready for. We had to call 911 three times that night but he was "doing nothing wrong!" We called 911 again on the day of our son's wedding about an hour before the bridal march, because he was committing suicide again. We had a cop on the way and a friend and my sister, Cindy. Cindy was able to coax him to the wedding- barely- they sat in the back. Stephan was high...

Planning a wedding and trying to deal with a son in Stephan's situation has had me completely... well, I don't know the word.. A word that describes complete joy and complete sadness and utter despair all at the same time.. Well, I guess there isn't a word for that.


The girl that I described earlier- the one he threatened to take his own life over. I was desperate to love her in the beginning. It was what I felt I should do. I wanted to also make Stephan feel as if I liked her. I had my doubts that she was good for him. But was he good for her? I made her feel at home. She ate meals with us. We later found out that she was also doing drugs with Stephan... and they had sex ..and lots of it. Long story short, she has a bad habit of getting with other guys when she and Stephan were in an argument. She don't go home, throw herself across her bed and cry for days... She goes and sleeps with other guys! This will explain Stephan's second wreck, the fight at Taco Bell and running into the guys house that I wrote about earlier. I wonder why he cares about her so much... she has hurt him deeply and blames Stephan for HER behavior! She was there the night of his wreck and acted as if she was so concerned for Stephan that he had a wreck and the fact he was suicidal that night. I knew why he wrecked and knew why he was suicidal as I spoke to her. My flesh wanted to say to much to her... but the spirit within me held my tongue! She was on her way to this guys house, which is why Stephan wrecked!!!! He passed her.. and ran into a truck that was pulling into a driveway... No, that was not smart. Should he have done that? NO... Right after the wreck and all of her concern, she went to this guys house anyway! I just can't see why Stephan doesn't tell her to take a hike... a long one!

About Rehab: Yes, they told us he needed impatient. Impatient involves two weeks of intense counseling, classes, etc. You live there.... He did NOT want to go! I did not care that he didn't want to go. As parents, you want what's best for your child. You want what will help him or her. When you have a child on drugs you are almost in a grievous state of mind. It "is" grievous! You are desperate! Well, he told us he would commit suicide if we made him go. My brain was telling me that I must send him, but my heart was afraid for what he might do... Then I began to reason with myself. Was he manipulating us? If he is, then he must go! Will he commit suicide somehow? Then, we've got to find another way! The turmoil that we go through just to make the right decisions is what makes this process so "grievous!" At times I feel like he is manipulating us and I feel as if my hands are tied. Then I ask myself, "How in the world did we get here? How can we be in a place where there are no boundaries? How did we get to a place with our son where he breaks every rule and has no respect for us?" I have come to a few healthy conclusions on that. We got here, not because we didn't set boundaries or set rules in place, we got here because that's where he led us. His choices and decisions got us here. His love for drugs got us here.

I went to the Drug Rehab Facility, I signed the papers... He was to begin the very next day! Because he was in Celebrate Recovery, they decided to do outpatient so he didn't have to miss. In outpatient, you have to be there Mon- Thurs from 5-9 each night. Family night is Tuesday night. You also must be in two other meetings per week such as AA or NA... They were going to let Celebrate be one of them, so we had to find a local NA meeting...

The day we were to start, he took off on foot through the woods right when we were supposed to leave. I called Richard and when he got home we got in the car and went looking for him. If you can believe this, we drove about 8 miles, turned into a subdivision and THERE he was! It was like a miracle. He was stunned... well, so were we! God is good... I had to call and cancel our first meeting, because it was apparent we were not going to make it.

During this week, previous to the actual start day, Richard and I had talked to a few friends. Friends who have been in rehab and are now serving God, friends who've had a spouse in rehab who are now serving God and friends who have children in rehab. We keep getting the same advice. The advice is: Rehab must be a Christian facility. They also tell us that Stephan must be willing to go. If he is "not" willing, we are wasting our time, money, etc... Part of me is like, well, what do we do in the mean time if we don't send him? I also feel like forcing him to go! I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that if we send him unwillingly, when he gets out, he will come running to us, embrace us, and tell us he is do glad we sent him!!!

OK, back to the moment we found him... We are on the street where we just found him. He is telling Richard again that he will commit suicide. In desperation to help him, Richard tells him that we must get a plan... something.. He told him he needs help. Stephan will admit he needs help, but the next day, he's off for the next high! He is in constant battle within himself! Some moments he wins, most moments he looses! Richard told him that in order to help him that we MUST stay firm with rules and boundaries and in order to live in our home, he has to attempt to stay within his limits and live by the rules. One rule is Celebrate Recovery every week! Stephan agreed... No friends was another rule, Stephan agreed. No drugs... He actually agreed! Now, I'm not naïve... I truly knew this would be an issue at some point. But.. we were on a path... leading to where, I did not know. All I knew was that we were all three on the same road, headed in the same direction... that felt good for a change. Things went well for about a week. He did fail his next drug test at the probation office, but we were prepared for that. He spoke to his probation officer about our plan and she was positive about the whole thing. Stephan and Richard were both working on his Celebrate Recovery material each week before the meetings. Richard wanted to make sure he was working through this and he was. Richard was not reading what Stephan wrote in his book. This is private.. but Richard noticed at a glance it started out as a few words... later on paragraphs!

We were on a good path... We had decided and still do believe that Rehab will not work for Stephan until he is at rock bottom and asking to go! People in Celebrate will tell you that you must be willing to go! You have to be "willing" to go to Celebrate as well!! Unless someone wants help, they may go along with the program, but will not receive help. I have seen or heard of so many people go through rehab only to get out and relapse... but it is because they weren't totally willing to go on their own. That's just where we are now...

He started lying about Celebrate Recovery not having the meetings on Sundays. He said they canceled it. However, there were no other classes at church either one particular Sunday, so we believed him. Another Sunday passed and he had another excuse as to why the meeting was canceled. Richard went immediately to talk to the director who told us that classes are NEVER canceled for any reason! The only reason for classes being canceled is if Christmas Day falls on a Sunday for there to be no classes at night.. or Christ comes back! Thus, started our walk in the other direction once again.... Richard lovingly helped him pack.. which is why my post began with the fact that Stephan isn't living here once again.... He told us he did not want to follow our rules... so here we are... again.