Making Decisions For "Your" Teen...

I traveled to North Carolina a few weeks ago and was able to meet with a dear friend of mine! I call her my Christian mentor. She and her husband have a son who has been/is still on drugs. They have fought this battle for about 8 years I believe. As she and I were sitting outside talking we were talking about decisions we have made, or are trying to make for our sons. There are many times that people just don't understand why you make certain decisions. You may have family members who say, "Well, if I were you, I'd..." or " "You need too..." You know, it's your child and you know your child better than anyone besides the Holy Spirit of God. Listening to the Holy Spirit is your best bet! Things may not make sense to others as to the decisions you make for your child, and who cares?

I was talking to another friend of mine the other day with a small, nine MONTH old child. She is up at night with her a lot. She still nurses during the night. I could look at that situation and offer advise, because both of mine were sleeping all night at six and eight "weeks" old. What the Lord has taught me over these past few weeks is: Sometimes, situations are different. Children are different... With infants and teens! You just have to do what you feel is best at the time and what you feel is best with your child. I'm not up with my friend every night. I am not suffering from sleep deprivation, she is. She told me that she does what she has to do to get through. You know, that's ok.. it doesn't make her a bad mom or her child behind in some way.

With teenagers, it's much the same. There is no guidebook that shows us a sure-fire way to get your teen to come home five minutes "before" curfew! There's no guidebook that will guarantee that your child will never do drugs! There is not a book titled: How To Raise the Perfect Child. Well, there probably is, but anyway... In reality, they don't come with instructions tattooed on their backs when they're born of how they are individually wired and if something goes wrong... do this! You can't reboot or reprogram them like a computer! It's a day by day challenge of decision making.

I have felt that we have been judged by certain people on how we have done things with our son... One particular person has not even been through this with a child at all. The other person has been through a little with their child, but not even close to the magnitude of what we have been through with ours. I do have a lot of people who tell us that we have done a great job and that Stephan couldn't have had better parents through this! : )

There's also always going to be a battle in your own mind as to whether you are making the right decisions. Trust the one who knows your child best...and guess what? It ain't you! Trust His leading! As my friend and I from NC discussed, each day may be different. You may allow him to be home one day and not the other. Each day can change. It doesn't matter if "man" understands... feel confident that the Holy Spirit does!! My teen is changing everyday and he is challenging us .. everyday!

Holy Spirit rain down... rain down. Let your power fall, let your voice be heard.. Holy Spirit rain down... rain down.

Submission... Just when I think I know what it means... I'm still learning!

I believe I have been learning much more about submission lately. Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God said that our desire would be "for our husbands".. What exactly does that mean anyway?

In talking to myself, I ask the question: "I am a submissive wife.. right?" "Although I think I may be questioning some areas of my life, I think I know what submission is.. but do I fully know and understand?" "Am I surrendering my whole life to God in this area?" "I do know that since my husband is a man of God, he prays, he studies, he seeks after God in all His ways... I know I can trust his leadership, right?" "I know all of this, but do I fully trust his leadership?" "Do I sometimes think I have a better idea?" Yep!....

Ok, back to this desire... In Genesis 3:16 NKJV- God says that my desire shall be "for my husband!" Sounds like every man's dream... but no, this is not what this means at all! If you study the word, "for," it means: That I will now have the tendency to usurp or control my husband. I will have a desire to dominate my husband and in return, his desire will be to become a tyrant over me! It's a terrible web to weave.

I want to tell you, Richard and I have such a great marriage! We partner together in ministry in teaching others how to "have" a healthy marriage, so I have always thought that I had a good understanding of submission. I know that ultimately all decisions made in our family fall upon Richard and I'm good with it! As long as I'm good with it, then I am being obedient to God... right?

You see, I am pretty passive, I'm not temperamental, I am a follower, I'm not forceful and I can easily back down when confrontation occurs. But.... buuuuut.., as with many mothers, when my child is the subject of our confrontation, I have found that I will go to any length to try to protect him, want what "I" feel is the best approach in discipline and I have a deep desire to voice any and all opinions that I may have concerning what I feel is best! What does this accomplish? Richard sleeping on the couch!! In my heart, when I do this, I feel like I'm contributing to "parenting" Stephan, but truthfully, I'm not trusting Richard's decisions or direction he's trying to take involving Stephan! You see, what I'm getting at, is... this submission thing comes real easy to me - until I actually have to practice it!

When women get this whole submission thing wrong and out of order, chaos breaks out in the home! It's a result of sin from thousands of years ago. As I read my footnotes and studied the words "have a desire for my husband," things start making good sense! My desire shall be to control and he will in turn become a tyrant over me! Yes, that pretty much can sum up how it usually turns out!

When a man's leadership is being questioned, he becomes defensive! When I question Richard's motives in parenting- he become defensive! And rightly so! I'm not talking about a disagreement, I'm talking about my words making him feel like a bad father who has not sense at all! It's never my intention, but it feels that way to him. Perhaps I should start a blog called: "Marriage on Drugs!!"
 

In Genesis 2:18, God says that He will make Adam a helper comparable to him. We are to be our husband's helper. Our thoughts and opinions are great and should be appreciated. We do have to choose our words wisely when talking to our husbands as not to try and overstep our bounds or make our husband feel as if he isn't making the right decisions. When we practice this, our husband is not on the defensive and he feels encouraged by us that we trust him and his leadership! This makes him feel as if he can conquer the world... and especially our unruly teen!

Ephesians 5: 22-26 talks about that we as wives are to submit to our own husbands as "unto the Lord." The husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. So, just as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their husbands in everything.
 

We are to pray for our husbands and submit unto them as we would the Lord. We voluntarily choose to submit to our husbands as we would Christ. I used the word voluntarily, because this is a voluntary action on our behalf! We chose to follow Christ, we choose to read God's Word, we choose to live our lives to please God... it's called free will. We also choose to love our husbands and fulfill our wedding vows.. till death do us part! We also have to choose to submit to being the weaker vessel. God already said we were... we have to voluntarily accept it. Does that make us less? Certainly not! I truly believe that the success of a man and how he feels about himself as a person and leader has a lot to do with the commitment of his wife. We have a very important role! I heard a man say this once: "I never believed in myself until I married Sherry. I had always been told that (I couldn't) .. Sherry told me ( I could) and I finally started believing it! I finally had someone that believed in me and I have accomplished more than I ever thought was possible!"

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ does the church... He gives himself for it! He is to sanctify and cleanse us with the washing of water by the Word. (Our husbands are to teach us as wives what he is learning from the scripture. He is to share with us what God is showing him and areas God is leading him in.)

Ladies, if we know and trust that our husbands are hearing from God... we do not need to question what God is doing even if we disagree. Satan will stop at nothing to disrupt the order of our home! We need to be on guard and make sure Satan is not using us to accomplish this!

I say this in all humility... In thinking that my way was better and believing that I was right and how I felt that Richard just hasn't thought this through enough or something... I have found that in the end, I have been terribly wrong after all. When I nag and complain about decisions Richard has made or is making, it almost forces him at times to go against what he is feeling. He "has" gone against his feelings in times past... all because of me... and the result is always chaos! Chaos between he and I and chaos concerning Stephan... It's just not a pretty thing!

The big question that many women still struggle with: "Well, I do believe everything you just said, but WHAT IF I truly feel my husband is making a wrong decision for our teen?"

You pray... You pray for your husband! You pray for God to show "you" how to trust "Him" more... and trust your husbands leadership more. You tell God all your concerns of how your husband is wrong, or you believe he is. That is ok.. God already knows what our hearts are feeling! Then, you let God work! It's an awesome thing... trust me!