I have found myself being very weary today. We've been in WI for two and a half years now and I'm ready to move. Richard has the plant here almost running without him and that's exactly what was supposed to happen. We followed the Lord to Wisconsin and I believe with all my heart He sent us here. As I've said before, Stephan was part of that plan. Stephan, two years ago was a full blown drug addict in Alabama. He was a very immature, skeletal image of the son I knew from birth. He was usually somewhere else, rather than his own mind and it was heart wrenching for me to see and have to experience on a day to day basis.
In the meantime, Stephan... and our oldest son, Brandon, his wife and our (then) newborn grandson stayed behind as we set out on our trek North to the great state of Wisconsin. Leaving my grandson almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown. Well, let me back up a bit... - Richard actually moved to Wisconsin one month before I did, when our grandson was only four days old. So, I guess if you consider sitting out on my front steps screaming and hyperventilating as Richard left for Wisconsin a nervous breakdown- then maybe I "did" have one. One month later, he came back for me. I cried all the way to Kentucky.
When we arrived at our apartment here there was two feet of snow. I felt alone and as empty as I ever had in my whole entire life. I pretty much didn't leave the apartment except to go to the grocery store for four months. Today, we live in a condo that we purchased here. I've never lived in a Condo, but ours is very nice.... We've given it an "Extreme Makeover" and I love it on the inside. However, I never want to live in another one. I'm smothered..... My home in Alabama was my dream home. It was also located in a very quiet neighborhood nestled nicely by a 25 acre lake. I woke every morning to the sound of geese whispering in my ears. Ahhhhhhh..... I miss it.
I am SO thankful to have had Stephan follow us here six months after we moved. I was very apprehensive at first, but he's been here all this time and he works for my husband at the plant. He has his own apartment, pays for everything and I'm very proud of him. He does still drink occasionally and I have a problem with it, but I do have to remind myself of my son two and a half years ago.
There's been mention of buying "yet" another plant, which was the plan from the beginning and when it happens, we will move again. Stephan has said that he would want to transfer with us. I would want that as well.
Although Stephan is doing "ok." there's just still things he will not give over to the Lord. Richard and I were talking in the car yesterday about the fact that Stephan "likes" being intoxicated. He does! It's just reality. So what do you do with that?
If you've followed my blog, you've read about Stephan's former friends- one being Caleb. The thought of even seeing Caleb's face made me want to vomit! However, I have come to the conclusion that although I want to, I can not blame Caleb or any other of Stephan's friends for Stephan's drug use or behavior in Alabama. Everyone makes their own decisions- including my son. He chose the path he took and he could have easily steered clear of it. He could have walked away. Why didn't he? He liked it.
With all of that said, I had to brace myself when I got the news a few weeks ago that Caleb was driving to Wisconsin to visit Stephan. I ain't gonna lie- I wanted to vomit, just like I just said... When those two are together, there is just nothing good that comes from it. NOTHING! I made my mind up that I was going to psyche myself out and prepare myself mentally for his arrival. I really hoped that (although I'd psyched myself out) that I would never see his face the whole time he was here! Not too much to ask for, right? BUT... if I do see his face I kept reminding myself that after all this time, Caleb has grown up some. He's 2.5 years older. He's going to college. He has a CHILD.... He's engaged and looking for a job. Everybody grows up right? The answer to that question is no... I have living proof in a few of my family members, a cousin for example, but anyhow.... HOPEFULLY Caleb "has."
The day came.... It was Sunday. To my disappointment, Stephan did not come to church. I guess in some way I imagined Stephan inviting him and I'd see him there because of both of their maturity levels had risen. Didn't happen.....They slept in, but wanted to come to our house to play corn hole after we got out of church and eat lunch of course. "Well," I thought... as I took a deep breath. It's time I be the adult and give this a shot. I had even thought of questions that I'd ask Caleb about his baby girl and about life in general. It's what Jesus would do!
He and Stephan walked in and they were both dressed like thugs. I hadn't seen Stephan looking so stupid in 2 years. Good Lord! I mean, what the heck? I actually felt queasy in my legs. Oh geeeez.... really?
Needless to say, Stephan has missed four days of work since his arrival. (Three of those days he did take off) but now has no PTO for Christmas. The other day, he called in with "pink eye." PINK EYE! Richard told him he needed to get meds because it was really contagious. He never went... and never had pink eye. It may have been "hangover eye." "Looks pretty much the same as pink eye, only not contagious!"
Since Caleb's arrival, Caleb, who is such a thinker and plans his vacations so wisely is mysteriously going to have to borrow money from Stephan to even get back to Alabama! Now, why would you drive 750 miles away from home without enough money to get you back? Those are questions I really have no option than to ponder... They also went out partying one night. It was after 11:00 when Rainey got off work. I can't think of anything good that happens after 11pm. can you? There was this video on facebook... I just won't go there. I just pray to God my Mama didn't see it before it was reported and removed by facebook!
Why? Just why?
I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of the emotional roller coaster it puts you through. Especially since he's been doing so well. My conclusion today is that Stephan is doing what he wants to do. He's supposed to be back at work today and Caleb is leaving Wednesday from my understanding. When Caleb leaves, Stephan will still have a heart issue..... He will still have a walking with the Lord issue.... He will still have a discernment issue....
I have to say, I gave Stephan and Caleb the benefit of the doubt when they came over two times this week. Yes, I actually made a double attempt... We had good visits while they were here. Don't get me wrong, Caleb does seem more mature in some ways, so does Stephan, but there's still the matter of just getting things right with God. Caleb has a baby to think about now. You'd think he would be kind of getting over the bull crap.
My heart is heavy today. I guess I'm wondering exactly "where" Stephan is. I'm so thankful he's here and that he comes over to work out with Richard and eats dinner here several times a week. Please Lord consider my heavy heart and help me carry it today....
