The Glass Box

When you are the loved one of someone on drugs, you suffer... Oh, friend how I understand this suffering!

I know for me, if I were to describe how a parent feels as they watch a child wander aimlessly through life on drugs, the scene that plays over and over inside my heart and mind, it would probably look something like this~

The Glass Box- Christel W.

I am standing on the outside of this doorless, windowless, giant, glass box and I am looking in at my son who is inside. I see him in there... There he is, living a life of total self-destruction and because there are no doors or even windows that I could crawl into, I can't enter to rescue him. Because it is made of glass, it is completely soundproof. He can't hear anything outside of this world he lives in, because he's closed himself inside. The enemies are there, they are inside with him! One is the demon alcohol, and the rest of them are the demons of drugs. They are dancing all around him, nagging and biting at him, compelling him to take another pill and drink a little more. They are relentless! They are taunting him with lies about pleasure and escape from the cares of the world! I watch him befriend these ugly, powerful, strongholds that have swallowed him into a life of addiction! I see the darkness of their eyes and their gripping, serrated claws, but he can not! They grasp him even tighter. They are very convincing... Now that they have him in their clutches, they wrap themselves around his shoulders appearing to be kind and gentle, insisting that they are his best friends and that no one loves him as much as they do! He buys into their lies and as he does, they grow more and more powerful as they begin to gain his trust. I know all too well that their goal is to destroy my son's life and they will stop at nothing to do so.

On the outside, I'm standing there, trying to get my son's attention away from these beasts by frantically pounding the glass with my fists until my hands are aching, bruised and swollen from the constant beating. As I see the deception going on inside, I scream at the top of my lungs. My voice becomes raspy and hoarse as I realize ...that my son cannot hear me! I am in a desperate race to try and get his attention away from these torturous enemies! "Can they see me?" Oh yes, you better believe they see me... and will do anything in their power to distract my son's attention away from me!

Oh, finally!! My son sees me and pleasantly smiles back at me with a smile as if he were strolling through a field of wild flowers or something!! He's totally blinded, having no idea -what- so- ever- that he is being served as the main course on his enemies menu! He waves at me- very nonchalantly, as if to say, "Hi Mom!" He seems glad to see me! Now that his eyes are finally fixed upon me, I have to keep his attention! I wave my arms back and forth, making these silent pleas for him not to dare take his eyes off of me! You see, I have located one thing on the inside of this glass prison that is his only hope! This is the one and only thing that these enemies of his want to keep hidden from his sight, the one and only thing they can't touch and the one and only thing I want him to find! It's a "Lifehammer," the ONLY thing that "would" or even "could" break through this glass world in a single blow! It's the one and only thing that would also destroy his enemies at his feet and would expose their wickedness for what it really is! Oh, but they are very clever you see, they have placed blinders over his eyes. He thinks these blinders were a gift, but they are in the form of a really nice pair of sunglasses!! In reality, they were custom made especially for him and his weaknesses, so that he wouldn't be able to see their motives or any plans they have for him. These enemies have worked very hard to gain his loyalty...

I thought to myself, my son trusts "me!" I KNOW he does! I also know that he can see me! The blinders prevented him from seeing his enemies evil, abominable, malicious, wicked schemes. I also know that they are blinding him to the truth, but in a effort to get through to him, I point to his enemies, then I place my hands around my own throat as if I were choking myself, then I point back to his enemies, then to him! He looks at me as if he were confused.... I repeat this process over and over until he realizes what I'm saying! I see him turn to look at them in disbelief. They walk up to his side as if to partner with him against me. They are ruthless in persuading him again that they are his "only" friends and the "only" ones he should listen too. I can't believe it, but my son is satisfied... He looks back at me and shakes his head as if to say, "no." To my horror, I know that he doesn't believe me! In an intense attempt to save his life, I point to the "Life Hammer." He finally sees it! "Oh, thank you God," I think to myself! I showed him, using my hands how to apply the Lifehammer to the glass to break it and break free from his enemies! He looked at me as if I were crazy! I point back at his enemies and yell slowly- (although he can't hear me I pray he can make out what I'm trying to tell him)- I yell, "They.. will.. kill.. you!" He is still not convinced....

I close my eyes and darkness surrounds me. My neck is no longer strong enough to support the weight of my head that now aches from frustration and anxiety. I feel warm tears stream down my face... I feel weak in the knees... I feel faint... As I begin to fall to the ground below, my now, bloody hands cause the glass to cry these high pitched, shrieking noises of nothing but sheer pain and agony... Finally, I am on my knees. I begin to pray to Jesus Christ, the "Lifehammer," the one who sent me, the One who stands and knocks on the doors of all our hearts. I prayed for the life of my son... I prayed that his eyes would soon be opened and his ears will begin to hear! I prayed that he will begin to see through the lies of his enemies. I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that I was able to share the truth with him. I was able to warn him! Most importantly, my son knows the Lifehammer is there with him... He can be saved!

I know that my prayers will never come back void. I trust in the One who can pierce through the darkest, coldest heart, or through any circumstance. I trust that God hears my prayers as I come before Him with my petitions for my son. After all, God loves him more than I do! God is good... He is a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him. Oh, how I long for my son to place his trust in Him.

I'm still standing on the outside of this horrible, Glass Box of Addiction waiting...

I realize that my son may never hear "my" voice. I know that when he grows weary and tired; when he realizes he's on a road that leads to nowhere, when he gets his heart broken a few more times and never can seem to find true love and when he learns that all these promises of the enemy were in fact all lies... Then at that time, he may take the Lifehammer into his hands, break free and find true love that will never leave nor forsake him. Love that will help him find his way out of the darkness and into marvelous light...


Then, and only then, will he be free...

Friends, bondage is a bunch of lies from the enemy, which puts us "on" that road that leads to nowhere. It leads to the inside this horrible, Glass Box, so that we remain ineffective for Christ.

Freedom is "life in Christ" and that, my friends, is the road that leads to anywhere!

It's life abundant.
It's life with fulfilment.
It's life with purpose.
It's life with direction.
...It's life worth living.


Oh, how I pray that my son will grab onto the "Lifehammer" and break free from these chains that the enemy is using to keep him in bondage inside this Glass Box of his... My son is still in there.

I pray that when he does take it into his hands and glass shatters all around him, that he is overcome of how much he is loved by the Father...

I know that my heart will be overjoyed...

I will rejoice for answered prayer as my son comes running back into my arms...

Until then...

I remain faithfully His... and I remain...

on my knees... pleading for him to take it and break free.

Praying Scripture-

My husband and I pray for Stephan every day, but we have decided that we need to fast as well... Today as I prayed over him, I decided to pray scripture. I've done this in the past, but I've never wrote down what I prayed... As I sat at my kitchen table, I opened up to the book of Psalms and began reading. I began to personalise my prayer adding Stephan's name and adding detail to my prayer as I prayed and read from the Word. I have felt God's presence with me all day. I know that He is at work in the life of my son.

A little of what I prayed today:


Psalm 6:1-10

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled; But You, O LORD--how long?

Return, O LORD, deliver Stephan from the hands of the enemy! Oh, save him for Your mercies' sake! For if he were to die, in death there is no remembrance of You. In the grave who will give You thanks? If you spare him and if you protect his going out and coming in... If you protect him from even himself and the drugs he is doing, then perhaps one day you will receive much glory for the things you have brought him "through..." Praise be unto You, The Lord God Almighty!

I pray Lord God that he will come to trust you soon. Father, I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim. I wake up crying some mornings in fear that harm may come upon my son. I drench my couch and my sleeves with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief at times; It grows old because of the enemy, Satan, and all the people Stephan calls friends who are not. I ask that these friends depart from him, all those who work iniquity. I don't want any harm to come to them. I simply desire for them to be either- saved themselves or that their friendship will fade away because a friendship like they have is not fruitful for either of them!

God I thank you for hearing the voice of my weeping.

I thank you for hearing my supplications and for receiving my prayer.

Let Stephan be ashamed and greatly troubled because of his sin; Let him turn back and be ashamed suddenly today because of the lifestyle he is choosing to live. Allow him to know that you are a God of mercy and forgiveness. Let him "not" be ashamed to come before you, knowing of your great love for him. Do let him be shameful because of his sin, which causes him to come to You, but in knowing your love, let him come boldly before you with the knowledge that Jesus died for all of his sin, so that he can feel shame no more... and he would begin to live life with You as his guide. Lord, in this, he would truly live!

Psalm 5:11- Let Stephan rejoice as he puts his trust in You! Let him ever shout for joy, because You defend him! Let him love Your name as he grows to love You more and may he experience great joy in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; you will bestow favor upon him. You will surround him and protect him as with a shield.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Stronger For It

Since my last post, my heart is not quite as heavy. There's a song that I've been reminded of this week. It's called, Stronger For It. Part of the chorus is, "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak, I'm stronger for it..."

I didn't like that song when I first heard it many years ago. I thought, "Who wants to 'ask' to be blind or lame?" Isn't that a dangerous prayer? Through these past three years, that song resonates in my mind, especially during the times I want to give up. I have even sang it during worship at our church, now that I know what it truly means.

About a month ago, well, it's actually been off and on during the course of these three years, but the feelings of oppression and desperation have weighed me down tremendously, especially during this last month... I remind myself that it's the enemy all the time! He begins to whisper sweet "nothings" into my ears, telling me lies that feed my greatest insecurities. He knows where he can get us! He knows our weak spots. He knows what to say to rip us to shreds and do the damage that hurts us the most. He tries to defeat and destroy us. If he can pin us to the ground and we don't put up a fight, then he wins. Two weeks or so ago, I wanted to lay down on the ground and not move -or- crawl inside the littlest hole I could find, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and shut out the entire world! I wanted to call our music minister and tell him that I need to take a sabbatical from choir, praise team and singing solo. I wanted to take a trip to Tennessee all by myself and just get away from all humans that I know! I was in the depths of despair. In the movie, Anne of Green Gables, Marilla Cuthburt says, "To despair is to turn your back on God!" You know... there may be some truth in that!

Stephan is still living here with his jaws wired shut! The plan in the beginning was that he lived here and did not leave our side. As I mentioned before, if he were to throw up- he could die! He agreed. You know, I really did know better than to even make him agree to it... I'd hoped different of course, thinking that "surely" he won't leave under these circumstances.... surely this situation will force him to demonstrate that there is some type of logical activity going on inside that cute brain of his! Nope... !

I think the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak were these events: On top of what we've been through already, he left with his "friends" against my will one day. He and I were going to go put in job applications and I was ready to leave. His friends are on their way to come get him and I told him to call them and tell him not to come, that he's going with me. I'm standing there in the hallway, compelling him to stay and go with me! I reminded him that going with me could be a very good decision that he could make that could redirect the course of his future; he smiles and leaves.

 

He stayed out all night and got drunk! - My worst nightmare of him dying could have came true that night! Do you think I slept any during this leave of absence? Being his jaws are wired shut, he came back home and there was another day he left and I didn't even know it! I guess I was cleaning. He did leave me a note on the bar that day- that was respectful! Or at least, more than I used to get. He also snuck out in the middle of the night one night as well. Oh help me!

 

Some time back, we had an alarm installed on his door upstairs. There was alarms already on the windows. Somehow he figured out if he opened his door once and let the system beep, then leave the door cracked the alarm would not go off and we would possibly not hear the beep  Also, when we would go to check on him before bed, we weren't noticing that the door was cracked. We were listening for an alarm, not a beep and he found his way around that too! He's lied, lied, lied....

 

I over heard two conversations of his lately that I feel like the Lord allowed me to hear. I was at the right place at the right time. What I heard was that it appears Stephan is dealing some.... I also overheard him telling a friend that he would look for stuff to sell around our house!! OH- OOOHHH! You gotta be kidding?? Richard was pretty upset and had a pretty healthy conversation with him that night! Basically, he told him while we are waiting for these wires to come off his teeth - if anything at all turns up missing at our home, then he will have to live elsewhere and take care of himself WITH his jaws wired shut! Richard asked him if he had a way of pureeing foods etc. He replied, "no.." The wires come off Feb. 6th and I have a feeling when he's recovered from the surgery to have them removed, he will not be living here. We will have to ask him to leave again.

I try not to let Stephan's hang-ups or habits effect my emotional state and especially my spiritual state. I try not to let it mess up my ability to be a good mom or an encourager. Being an addicts mother is extremely hard emotionally, I have to say! Being spiritually minded at all times when you are dealing with an addict is also hard! I see my child self-destructing before my eyes and I feel that we've done everything possible to help him, yet I still feel this sense of desperation for his healing and hopelessness that he doesn't want healing or restoration and there is nothing I can do to help him! I also know that it's not my job. I'm not the Holy Spirit, nor can I make his decisions for him. Every moment of my day I know that Christ is one who is going to make all the difference in the world for him and that gives me great hope if in fact someday... one day... hopefully soon he turns back to Him! I have hope in Christ. He stands at the door and knocks, but watching Stephan -time and time again- turn away and shut the door hurts my heart "again and again." I keep waiting. I keep watching for any sign of hope. This can be an agonizing process my friends. There are all these questions during the waiting process.... What if he doesn't get with it and get a job? What if he's caught shoplifting again? What if he goes to jail again? What if he's in a wreck again? What if he winds up in the hospital in ICU again? What if he.. dies? OH GOD, please protect him. Protect him from even himself!

He went to church with us last Sunday, can you believe it? He said that it depressed him. I told him that I knew what he meant and that this type of "depression" wasn't a bad thing. I told him I felt that he was convicted, not depressed. He told me, "Yeah, of course I was, that's why I don't like going!" I told him in the kindest voice I knew of that conviction does hurt. It hurts everyone! It hurts me! It also lets you know personally, that the Holy Spirit is inside you and has been since you asked Christ into your life! The Holy Spirit leads us and convicts us of sin in our lives. That's a good thing. All my Stephan could see is the hurt inside him, not seeing that taking Christ's yoke upon him is easy or that His burden is light! Stephan sees all the changes that need to be made in his life and he sees this as an overwhelming accomplishment! What he fails to realize is that he would have to give his life to receive it. Until he does this, Christ can't work! Christ makes all the difference and the changes within us, not we ourselves! He transforms us by the renewing of our minds. Old things pass away and all things become new. Our desires change, our habits change, things that were once "fun" don't seem fun at all anymore! Once he turns back to Christ and only when he does, is when these changes can begin. It's only by the power of God that we become a new creation that has no desire to live in the flesh, but in the spirit!

So, as heavy as my heart has been, my strength has been renewed these past few weeks. I have been in the Word even more -that has given me comfort! My prayers have been for Stephan, but also for me... I don't want to be oppressed by the enemy, so my prayers have been for God to help me not want to give in or give up. That's what the enemy desires anyway! I read in Psalms about David singing praises unto the Lord. David made mistakes, he sinned, he also fell upon his face in repentance. God forgives... David was a man after God's own heart even in times of trial and persecution! God rescued him from peril when he offered up praise and thanksgiving.

He glorified and exalted God for his reign and the protection that only God provides. Through prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God, David's life was continually being re-routed to look to God and to trust him in times of oppression. That's how I want my life to be. I don't want to give up and give in. I don't want to be "pinned." I want to be a fighter!

I have truly learned to trust God more and to praise him during the times when my circumstances get me down. I've learned that when you don't feel like praying- pray! When you don't feel like ministering- minister! When you don't feel like being in the Word- Read! When you feel like pulling away from everything and everyone- Host a table at a women's event where your job is to meet and greet people! Well... that's what I'm doing tonight : ) Had to throw that in for fun!

So Lord, when storms of life pass over me and the winds are raging out of control. Let me not be in despair and turn away from You or my life's purposes. Let my heart be so in tune with Yours that you.... "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak............

I am made stronger for it... By the way, this song was the next song that I sung at church. If you'd read my last post you heard my heart. Never have the words to this song ever been so true. It was so hard walking out on that stage again, but I made my mind up that I wasn't going to listen to Satan's lies and I was not going to be defeated. I think there were many hearts in tune with mine that morning as they heard my heart through song as they knew the battle I was fighting.

Bless you my friends,

Christel

Moving Out and Moving In

About three weeks ago, Stephan moved out with two friends of his. Stephan had money in his account that we've kept for him for some time so he didn't blow it. Plus, it's in there for insurance for his car when that rolls around again- although he's not even driving his car... Richard has told him that we'd discuss his car when he was 19. With the habits he has, we don't want this to be wreck #4 and have something terrible happen to him. Now, could he be in someone else's car and something happen? Yes, but it wouldn't be because we didn't try and protect him.

Back to the move: He wanted money for the deposit and we let him have it from his account! Richard said, "the faster he runs through every dime he has -the better!" I agreed... It really has come to this.

Stephan still has no job, neither did the two other boys... (yes, you can chuckle!) I know, I know- renting a place to live with two others who are jobless too. There is nothing left to do but shake your head. He is so dead set on getting out of here and I hate to say it, but things are calm around here when he's not here. I need to do an article about "Marriage on Drugs!" I think I've mentioned that before. The stress and strain that this can cause is astronomical sometimes.

We decided that if he wants to do this with no job, no car.. then go for it! Doing things the hard way with absolutely no logic behind any decision is the way Stephan operates and the only way he learns, so, yes, go for it! Maybe, just maybe.. he will learn that you can't pay rent with no job, but that's just mom talking! What do I know?

There is nothing we haven't tried with him. So, letting him have some of his money is just another tactic that we're trying. Week 2: Rent is due again. They are paying it bi-weekly. Two of the boys now have a job... BUT... it's the type of job that you actually have to get up out of bed for to be able to get in line at the facility and wait to see if you get to work that day or not... It's a CD packaging company that only takes a certain number of workers each day depending on how many shipments they have. When you sleep till 11:30 it's kind of hard to get in line, but that's just mom talking again. Again... Whadda I know?

So, guess what happened? Stephan knows he has more money... $212.00 to be exact. It's nearing Christmas and we are getting ready to head out of state to see family. Stephan decides not to go. We leave without him... I left a check for the remaining amount of all the money he had in the world! I told him to cash it the next day because the bank would be closed on Saturday.

I get a call in NC on "Saturday" from Stephan wanting to know where he can get this check cashed! I sighed.... I reminded him of what I said about cashing it on Friday! He wanted us to wire him some money... we refused. Long story short... he had to wait until Monday... he was hungry... he was penniless, but that's his problem. It's a learning experience!

Stephan wound up paying the second weeks rent as well. Now he really is penniless! Did that inspire him to look for a job? Somewhat! He put in two applications on line here when he came to visit and he went to meet with a manager of McDonalds, but he still does not have a job. At this point his friends owe him money... they still can't get up in time to go to work.

Week 3: Beer, drugs, girls... or maybe not in that order. Stephan was also caught stealing in Wal-Mart. He had stuffed a foot long sub down his pants. My friend, Lisa, who is on the management team there caught him. We'd already warned her that we thought he was stealing there... and he was caught! They did not prosecute, because it was under a certain dollar amount.

The next few days after this, Stephan was walking through the mall parking lot and was attacked by two guys in a car. They pulled up and accused Stephan of shooting them a straight finger. Stephan said he did not. They pointed at a car and told him he was driving that car when he did it! Stephan said he wasn't driving that car, that it wasn't even his car and he wasn't even driving any car, his friends had let him out! Plus, he told them that he wasn't even riding with anyone who drove that car! His friends drove another car! The guy slapped him. Stephan began to defend himself and was holding his own. Then another guy got out and hit him in the face twice!!

Stephan called us. We took him to the hospital to find out that his jaw was in fact broken and in four places! Richard has talked to authorities and creditable people here in town for advice and we have decided to press charges.

After Stephan moving out and everything- I secretly wanted him to come back home with his broken jaw, but I also thought that this is just another lesson he has to endure. I made up my mind that he would come to us about coming home. He did! We needed to get him to an oral surgeon. It was right before Christmas and both Doctors we were referred too were out of town- even the one on call! Yes, you heard me right! The doc assured me that his bones would be fine until the next Tuesday, but not let him chew anything and give him pain meds that the ER prescribed until then!

Stephan left again with a broken jaw, but after a week, finally asked if he could come home. He said he can't eat and he wanted to be home. I knew he couldn't eat! I worried over that so... You can't imagine how much! We told him he could and told him how it was going to be and he agreed for what that was worth. I know in my heart that I can't trust him... but I'm not going to let him starve. I want to take care of him! Who knows if all this didn't happen to protect him from something else? I don't know...

I took him to get all his stuff! I walked in this broken down trailer and there were at least 5 cases of beer! Stephan is so OCD when it comes to cleanliness and I honestly don't know how he was surviving there? Of course, when he's high, he doesn't care.

A nervousness came all over me... I almost started to cry, but I didn't. The beer, the broken jaw, just Stephan's lifestyle, the filth and nasty clothes all over the place- it all came crashing down upon me again and I felt so numb and hopeless all over again. BUT, I was glad I was taking him from this place.   

Tuesday came... I called to make the appointment for the consultation, they asked about our insurance and she made the appointment for that day! He went to the appointment and then we discovered that they don't except our insurance during the visit! I was pretty upset! When the lady asked about our insurance earlier that morning and I told her our carrier, she should have never made the appt. if they don't except it!!!! She should have told me!

So... we spent the better part of the day making phone calls to our insurance Co. and to Oral surgeons trying to find someone who would take our insurance. Finally, we did, but it meant "another" consultation on another day!

As I am making soups and stews and pureeing them for Stephan to eat, we wait.... I know that his teeth are probably going to have to be wired shut and I began to have nightmares. I woke up two nights in a row drenched in sweat, crying! One night I dreamed Stephan refused to go to the appointment and I was pleading with him, screaming and crying, begging him to go. The other night, I dreamed he had to throw up with his teeth wired shut and he was choking!

The emotional toll this is taking on me is effecting even my subconscious and it's just almost unbearable at times.

On top of this, I got a call the other day that my first cousin, Suzanne had OD'd and was on life support. Mama called and I almost just had to tell her that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was in no shape for more bad news. My pain levels were already skyrocketing. I am so glad that my cousin miraculously pulled through. The death of our friend's son has really affected me as well. There's so much in life I don't understand. I have a couple of good friends I talk too, but I'm careful. I don't offer too much information. Everybody has at least one good friend you know? I want people to pray, I don't want my son the focus of any gossip. I also have trust issues with women... They just talk too dang much! I am one and can admit this! I'm the only woman I know who can keep a secret if I'm asked too! God and my husband are the only ones who know my innermost feelings... well, and you reading this... I don't know you which makes it easy to express myself. I'm hoping I am making a difference by helping someone through their pain as I write to release mine...

I have felt myself drawing away from people lately and wanting to draw away from ministry! I feel overwhelmed and like I need a retreat. We have Family Ties and people need us on a regular basis. I have choir, which is one thing, but praise team which is another. Plus, my solo's. I feel overwhelmed at times. I don't want to be defeated, yet I am feeling this way! I want to remain strong and although I am knocked down. I want to get up again!

I have kept going for three years even while our whole church knows of what was going on with Stephan. The church knew, because we had to get up in front of our whole congregation one Wednesday night and speak about it Stephan selling Marijuana at church! I haven't wrote about it, I don't think. Stephan did, he brought it to church and sold it to two boys, our pastor's grandson and another boy. Someone saw and told. At first the police were involved. Secondly, the deacon's were involved trying to decide if they were pressing charges or not. Our pastor, Doug and his wife, Katy had disciple us. Our families were close. Their grandson had almost become a part of our family-like our third son.

I can't forget it, Richard, Stephan and I were basically coming up front along with our pastor and his wife and grandson. The other family as well. We were coming to confess- since it was a public offense and to talk about what happened. The police were involved, so to prevent here say, we didn't have a choice. Stephan refused to go with us. I was also already a nervous, pitiful wreck. I kept telling myself that only like 350 people would be there, not the usual thousand...so it would be easier! NO! Not at all. I felt nauseous heading to church that Wednesday night. Stephan had taken off on foot and ran away and we had to leave! Walking into that place and down the isle that night wouldn't have been any easier if I had came to church naked. It was that bad. My friend, Tammy embraced me once I made it all the way to the front row. Our pastor spoke first with Katy asking forgiveness and for prayer for all involved. Their grandson made a video that everyone watched asking forgiveness as well. The other family didn't come.. not sure why, so that meant we were next. I'd been on that stage singing many times, but facing the crowd that night was one of the hardest and humiliating things I've ever done. As Richard spoke, I let out a wail of a cry... I couldn't hold it back any longer. Richard was crying as well. Somewhere off in the distance, a lady was wailing with me. As much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I felt a support- in a cry of sympathy. Afterward, we were greeted with love. People who had been in our situation. Some people simply offering their prayers. Some people didn't know what to say, and that's ok. I can say that I left better than I arrived, but I didn't know how I could ever sing again. How could I show my face on stage after all that? Was I stained in other's eyes? The devil was as his best now.... Sometimes embarrassment can make you want to withdrawal, but I'm over embarrassment... I'm over pride... I have none left. I find myself just wanting to crawl up into the Fathers arms and just be comforted...

My heart is hurting today...

We did finally get Stephan to the right doctor. He had surgery and his teeth are completely wired shut! Dr. D confirmed my worst nightmare- which was that "if" he got sick and threw up- he could die! That's as plain as I know to say it. It's worse than a nightmare. I couldn't sleep the first two nights scared to death that the pain meds would make him sick! Richard even slept in the bed with him incase he did get sick. I have to say, he has done well... We are being very creative concerning food. I've made three pots of soup that we've pureed. We do Ensure, Boost, yogurt, pureed oatmeal and the list goes on! Even grits have to be pureed! I might should say liquefied! He has to be able to get it through his teeth completely closed shut!! It's harder than you may realize. Drinking through a straw has it's challenges too. Most people loose 20-25 pounds during this 5 weeks... Yes 5 weeks- but he's gained 3 pounds so far! I have a feeling that even though he's on a liquid diet, he's eating more now than he was when he lived on his own sad to say!

I need to search God's Word more for comfort and direction. I hate feeling as I do. It's such an oppressing feeling and I don't like it. This trial is getting to heavy to carry and I am weary and tired.

May the God of peace be with us today.

Tragedy

A few weeks ago, the son of some dear friends of ours died in a tragic car wreck. Karen and Jessie had just lost their only son, Nick. Karen works with Richard. We got the call around 10:00 for us to come to their house. Nick's girlfriend was in the car with him and she also died. I'm telling you dear friends, the cry of a mother who just lost her only son still rings in my ears. It's the cry of grief beyond anything I've ever heard. Karen and Jessie's son was a good kid. He was the life of any gathering. He was cordial and respectful, full of laughter and such a jokester! My son, Stephan and he had played golf together several times and have known one other since middle school. He was 17... I can't pretend to know God's plan or purpose for this. All I kept saying every time the thought of this tragic event entered my mind was," oh my God, oh my God... " There was no drugs or alcohol involved. There were no evident signs of anything that led to the wreck. It's a mystery... This wreck was on a straight road that ended in a head on collision and no one can seem to figure out how it happened. The only thing left to wonder about in my mind is if it was a dog or deer that ran out in front of his car and he swirved to miss it and hit an oncoming vehicle instead.

We walked upstairs and told Stephan of Nick's death right after we got the call. I knew this would be difficult news for him. Stephan wanted to go with us to see our friends. Stephan is pretty close to the Karen. She always talks to him when he comes into the plant, but it was still surprising that he wanted to go. I had reservations about him going. First, he was a teen and the sight of someone near her son's age could be painful. Secondly, she knows Stephan's struggles. She is the woman who found him laying in the parking lot at Richard's workplace that day. She has talked to Stephan in depth about getting things straight! Karen's mother, who is a drug and alcohol counselor in Florida has also been involved over the phone trying to help us in anyway she can. So, my second reservation also involved Karen seeing Stephan at her house knowing her son just died and my son lives a careless lifestyle and here he is standing in her living room- possibly wondering why this happened to her son when he tried to live life to the fullest! All I did know is that my friend loves Stephan, but I just didn't know how his presence would affect her or Jessie... under the circumstances.

I discussed my reservations with Richard. We didn't have a lot of time to weigh all the factors involved, but we decided to let him go. Richard said that in any situation it's best to err on the side of "being there for someone" and not worry about anything else. Stephan wanted to go. He could have just said he was staying home... He wanted to be there for them! Richard also said that if Karen or Jessie look back after their hearts have had time to heal a little that it would definitely be best that he "was" there and they will know that he wanted to be. What may be painful in the beginning will be a blessing later on. We hoped...

We walked in and held them both for the longest time. I still can't think about it without getting this huge lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart as it ached for them both. When she saw Stephan, she pointed at him, crying... lip quivering, and kept repeating... " You better... you.... you better straighten up." Part of me was not surprised she said this. I had prepared myself for it. The other part of me was glad she said these things. I didn't fully understand her pain, thank God. I never hope I do, but I was able to let her express her feelings and understand completely why she said it. She loves Stephan... but her son was on the right track doing all the right things and was taken from them. Here Stephan acts so careless with his life, yet it's been spared so many times. He had had 3 wrecks. I only hope that her words spoken in such pain and grief meant something to him. I hope they didn't hurt him. I hope he understood. I hate that my friend was in the situation that she had to speak those words. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them...

Oh Lord, hold them in your arms and bring them comfort during this time.

IOP- Intensive OutPatient Treatment

As I sit here and write, Stephan is gone. He ran away yesterday afternoon. We had two weeks of IOP under our belts and the last few days that we were there were not what I would call productive!

I sigh.... My heart is heavy. Richard and I had attended the Monday night Family Night Sessions. What we got was a little more of what we got when we were in Inpatient Treatment. We learned about body language, not yelling, leaning forward as you listen to someone, how to respond, how not to cuss! ...More about "feeling" words... We went around the room and spoke about situations in our home that cause arguments. We role played through a typical argument in our home that is something like-- Example: Stephan wants permission to go somewhere (before Rehab.) If he asked me for the permission, my response would always be that he would have to call his dad to get permission also. I didn't tell Stephan yes or no before calling Richard... Richard would be the one to give him permission, but then Stephan would have to give Richard the phone and speak directly to me to make sure I am on the same page with his decision! After this whole scene played out, the counselor told us we were a very functional family. We "are" pretty functional until Stephan does things that causes dysfunction in our home! If he would work with us, we could be pretty productive!

Well, what do you know.. the door bell just rang! Guess who? Unbelievable... as I am writing this, he comes home!

I went to the door, opened up the blinds to find him staring back at me with these goofy black glasses with no lenses in them and a quirky grin on his face. I told him he would have to wait till his dad got home to see if he could come in. His quirky grin disappeared, then he said, "I ain't doing that!" I just looked at him and he said, "Whatever..." and sat down on the step. He's still sitting there. I think he was somewhat shocked and he appeared to feel a little guilty. The longer he sits there he will conjure up a story of why he left and how it is all our fault, which will lesson his feelings of guilt. It's the way he operates. He's made his way to step number four again and leaving him on the steps seems to be my most reasonable choice right now.

Back to IOP- Last week, our counselor said these words to the group of boys during family time... "When you relapse..." Of course she finished the sentence, but when she said that I blurred the rest of her sentence! I thought, did she just say what I think she said? She did! Wait, we are paying you boo-coodles of money so that you can tell our kids that they will relapse ...and get sent back again? Dude, talk about job security!

Stephan and the other boys were also unattended during a break I noticed. I guessed that they are unattended during break the other three nights a week that we aren't there. As I sat there during this particular break and realized that they were unattended, I started to get up to go see what these boys were discussing. One mother started talking to me and I sat back down. I looked around the room and the fact that they were probably up to no good bothered no one but me.

As I talked to this mother, I learned that her son is the third child that she has been through rehab with. Her two older daughters were addicted to crack for many years. It's apparent that this family has dealt with lots of hurt through the years. I couldn't help but notice that the father was never there during family time either. I also couldn't help but disagree with this mother during our discussion time for allowing her son to go out with certain friends earlier that week to go see the movie, Paranormal Activity- A new movie that apparently just came out in the theater. Most people do not have a problem with this kind of thing, but I do. The title alone is enough for me. You let Satan in and he'll stay! You only have to invite him. She's not a Christian, so she's blinded by this sort of thing. It makes me feel sad for her whole family. They are lost. The absence of God in this home is evident and it's sad... This mother has no spiritual eyes nor ears and is blinded to the things that Satan uses to entrap her own children. I guess I also feel that giving him "permission" to hang out with the same ole friends to see the movie is just not a good decision on her part I don't think. BUT, because she doesn't have spiritual eyes she let him go. Also, perhaps she let him go because he'd earned some privileges at this point!  I don't know... I guess if I'd heard that he snuck out and went.. that would be a totally different scenario all the way around!

Another family in IOP, well a mother and son... Did I mention that there were NO Dads there at all... Where are all the Dads anyway? That's a good question! It was this way in impatient rehab too! Anyway, this other poor mother is there alone with her son and she is struggling herself. She is a recovering alcoholic. She admitted to having a pretty bad weekend and said she needed to call her sponsor. I find it truly difficult to relate to her. I've never been in her shoes, but yet again another family unit that needs Christ. This mother needs Christ to overcome her own addictions before she can help her son. Thankfully, she's seeking help for the both of them.

I guess my point to all of this rambling is the fact that there is still a question in the back of my mind that no matter what I do or how many family sessions I go to, it's still there. My question is: "What Do We Do Next?" Nothing seems to fit for us. There seems to be no self help ideas out there for parents in our situation...

I believe that even more so, I've learned that until Stephan wants to make this work, it won't work. As for us? We just need to keep our roles as mom and dad. Richard does the discipline, I try my best to love on Stephan. Richard and I both must maintain good communication, which is sometimes hard to do when we disagree on something. Those are the hardest of times! We mostly need to keep praying and praying! I've read The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartain. I pray the prayers written in her book out loud! I make them personal and add some to them, making them even more personal. Every time I pray... God moves. I truly believe God's hand was upon Stormie when she wrote these books of hers. If you've never heard her testimony, you should look it up. I heard her give it in person at a Women of Faith Conference. It's amazing how God touched her life. Here's the book:

http://www.bing.com/shopping/the-power-of-a-praying-parent-prayer-and-study-guide/p/FF5B288C66B1EA45A82B?q=power+of+a+praying+parent&lpf=0&lpq=power%2bof%2ba%2bpraying%2bparent&FORM=EGCA&lppc=16

Well friends, if your child is in the same boat as Stephan or is anywhere near the boat he's in, I pray that God will give you peace and comfort during this time. I know... it's hard. Sometimes people tell me that I seem to be handling this well. All I can say is that it must be God's mighty hand holding me up. There are days I feel I'm in utter despair. I have faith and hope that God will see him through this and in return God will get all the glory for it all...

Blessings,

Christel

Faith...

Taken from www.blueletterbible.org

Faith untried may be true faith, but it is sure to be little faith, and it is likely to remain dwarfish so long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and lightning's are her illuminators. When a calm reigns on the sea, spread the sails as you will, the ship moves not to its harbor; for on a slumbering ocean the keel sleeps too. Let the winds rush howling forth, and let the waters lift up themselves, then, though the vessel may rock, and her deck may be washed with waves, and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway towards her desired haven. No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky; no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity. Tried faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness had you not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength had you not been supported amid the water-floods. Faith increases in solidity, assurance, and intensity, the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious too. Let not this, however, discourage those who are young in faith. You will have trials enough without seeking them: the full portion will be measured out to you in due season. Meanwhile, if you cannot yet claim the result of long experience, thank God for what grace you have; praise Him for that degree of holy confidence whereunto you have attained: walk according to that rule, and you shall yet have more and more of the blessing of God, till your faith shall remove mountains and conquer impossibilities.

What We Learned From Rehab

I think for most parents sending your child to rehab is a last
resort. You do this when you feel you've tried everything you know to try- and
then some! Some parents send their child to rehab the very first time they find
a can of beer in their room or car. I could not be sure your child was an
addict at that point, maybe just plain curious, but that decision is yours for
the making. There is no right or wrong time to send your child to rehab if you
feel your child is addicted; that I've learned for sure. One thing I did learn
is this: If we had sent Stephan to rehab months ago when we almost did send him, (then he ran
away from home right before we were supposed to leave to go)... He wouldn't
have been open to learning anything at all being forced to go! Now, your child
may do better in this setting... They may only go if you force them! What it
all boils down to is that- if your child is willing to work the plan it will
work... if not, it won't! That’s the facts.

Mothers especially feel a drawn to do SOMETHING; to fix the situation! Since our
child's birth, we've nourished, clothed, kissed boo boos, dried tears, stopped
temper tantrums with just the sound of our voices, etc. On the other hand, when
our child is in tears, needs a boo boo kissed, hungry, tired or sleepy, who do
they come too? They come to Mommy. We are also wired to step in and protect our
child with every fiber of our being! When someone else's child is bullying our
child on the playground, our mommy claws emerge... and let me say... mommy
claws are… not… good!

When our child grows into young adulthood, mothers have a hard time transitioning
from nurturer/protector to an assistant. We have a hard time letting go and
letting the child we've protected all these years step out and do things on
their own. It's especially hard to watch them fail and learn from their
mistakes. We still want to teach and train when they mess up.. we still want to
protect and will go at any lengths to do so. Fact is, they've been taught and
trained! Now, I'm not saying that we stop teaching all together, I love having
meaningful conversations with both my boys, but it's time for it to take on a
new meaning, let go and see how they will handle life using the tools you've
given them all these years!

It's such a great and wonderful thing to experience your 18 year old coming to
you for advice on dating and marriage, or advice on anything for that matter!
It's so awesome to hear his thoughts on being pure and not getting into
tempting situations. It's a stupendous thing when he tells you he wants to be
on the mission field and you see him serving in different countries. It is a
humbling thing when you watch him take off his purity ring at 20 years of age and
hand it to his dad right before his new wife puts his wedding band on his
finger for the first time on his wedding day.

I have to ask myself if we did anything right as parents... We did! Did we make
mistakes?... We did! Do I give myself all the credit for my oldest son living
his life in submission to the Lord? Absolutely not! I thank God that Brandon
chose to absorb what we taught and trained through the years and that he built
upon the foundations laid before him. I praise God for salvation through Jesus
and the Holy Spirit in my life that changed "me" and gave Richard and
I wisdom to pour at least a few good things into our children, because HE is
good... we are nothing at all without Him!

Stephan chose the things he chose because "he" decided not to allow
God to give him power over sin. He decided to walk in disobedience. He knows
God, but doesn't follow Him. Brandon could have chosen the same route.

Stephan is such a leader! He's unbelievable....He's so personable and has such a candid personality. He's real... He's funny as mess! That's a phrase he uses! : ) Everybody likes him and he never meets a
stranger. Plus, he's just plain out handsome! If he lets God get ahold of him
we better watch out! He could make a huge impact for the Kingdom of God!
Huge.... !

So, we were scheduled to be at the Rehab facility the first week Stephan was there. We were there Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all day each day from 8:30- 3:00! I was so excited. I was so ready to go to my first meeting that day. I knew we were going to learn so much over the course of these three days and have so much to chew on! We were going to have answers to our "most asked" questions and "How To's" on things we didn't know "how to do." We were going to leave knowing exactly how to assist Stephan once he got home. We were going to have a full basket of knowledge, so to speak, of tools we could use in assisting Stephan in making life choices to help him turn his life around for the better. We would be able to make sense of possible things we needed to change as parents, tactics we could use concerning boundaries etc...

OH, this was going to be great!

We got there, signed in and were seated. The lady who spoke was a former
addict. I thought this is awesome, at least we're hearing from somebody who knows
what she's talking about! We sat and learned about addictive personalities, we
learned about addiction and why it's called a disease. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I think it's called sin... However, we heard testimonials from people who've been through rehab and now are helping others. That was really encouraging.

A doctor spoke who is also a former addict who taught us more on
the "disease." We did learn a few things that day! I was really looking forward to
Tuesday. We were going to learn about “enabling” the addict. I just knew that
Tuesday we may learn some new things... This was going to be the day for us!

Tuesday came... In group, all the parents sat around in a circle this time.
After everyone was introduced, I finally found that Richard and I were the only couple in there that were still married and were also the biological parents of our child. There were so many grandparents there with grandchildren. For that, I felt sad...

One couple, in there "were" the biological parents, but were divorced from one another and both were
currently remarried. There was another couple in there, currently divorced with
the step-mom sitting between them. There were a few single moms and spouses of
adults currently in the program. There was one single lady who just could not
stop crying. She had just found out her son was a user one week prior to being
there. She was in bad shape... I really felt so bad for her. She reminded me of myself when I first found out. As she spoke, she focused a lot on how much she loved her child. Her love for him was apparent, but she also admitted that she just couldn't say no to him. She admitted that her husband was also an addict presently and that he didn't even know she was there in rehab with their son.
She couldn't believe that she hadn't noticed any of the signs her son was using, but also said that she doesn't see him much due to working 12 hour shifts.

One lady spoke up and said her son was 21 and was crying as she expressed the fact that she didn't even know him. I couldn't help but wonder why... Did he live apart from her?

One set of grandparents were there because the parents couldn't come because they couldn't get off work. It saddened me that the parents, or at least one of them couldn't make being at rehab with their child a priority. One mother there really burdened me... you see, she was there with her child, but she herself was addicted to pain, she liked to burn herself.

My heart was stirring so much inside for my own son that day and I felt as if I was in the midst of people that needed so much healing in their lives as much as their children did! I was surrounded by so many hurting people and people whose lives were in a mess. They needed Jesus in a bad kind of way....

I did get to share with one mother and a grandmother during the course of these sessions, which was awesome, but it was just so discouraging to see families in such disarray...

The reason I even mention the atmosphere we were in is to say this- and because of what happened next and during the course of the next day. As I mentioned before, Tuesday's session was on enabling your child or doing things as a parent to support your child's drug use. (Ex: Not saying no, giving them money, no boundaries, no rules, children that are left to fend for themselves, no curfews, no family time.... and the list goes on.)

We sat in there while a few counselors and psychologists spoke on how parents
enable and don't even know they are doing it. We sat and listened to story after story as the parents in the room spoke and during this time, they were also learning so much for themselves by being there. I know this could sound bad, but I don't mean for it too, but I really didn't feel this was new news to us! As the psychologist spoke, lights were going on all over the room!
All this was really "new news" to most of them! One dad said that he had never heard his 18 year old son say, "I love you." Sadly, I wondered if his son had heard it himself, so that he could reply in the same manner. I scolded myself for thinking that....! I shouldn't do that! I think my frustrations were beginning to build. Then I thought to myself.. ok, tomorrow we are learning to get a family plan... Tomorrow will be good! Wednesday is going to be a game changer!

Well, Wednesday is the day that I was not a very happy person. We were taken by another
therapist to a conference room and as she wrote on a dry erase board, we learned
about “parenting” and "communication" with your child. On the communication part
she was talking about yelling, cussing, our body language, how to listen and act
interested in what another person is saying, not looking around while someone
is talking, taking your child seriously, how to interact and use "feeling" words. You know, I truly hope this doesn't sound bad.... or arrogant..... but this is not what I needed! I honestly thought I may throw up I was so mad inside. You have to also understand that I am not a temperamental person... at all. My facial expressions to not give me away usually! If something is bothering me with what you are saying -you'd never know!

Nothing was bothering me with "what" the therapist was saying at all! I was in
total agreement with everything she said!!!! It's just that this was what was going
through my mind and I'm just being honest:

I thought- I know I'm not a perfect parent by ANY stretch of the imagination,
but if I am in a room full of people that are learning to parent for the first
time in their lives- who haven't practiced parenting at all--all these years- then no WONDER your child is on drugs! Ok, I scolded myself again!!! But then, my next thought -(while I'm already living in the flesh)- was: WHY is my child on drugs??? Richard and I have done these things that we are "learning" to do. I want to know what's next... for US! What do we do when WE get home.... What in the world is next???? HELP me for goodness sake!!! I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry, run out of the room and go throw up! I think I already said the part about throwing up earlier.

During her lecture, I was like a simmering volcano ready to erupt at any
moment, so was Richard! Again, not at what she was teaching, but that she was having to teach this! Aren't we supposed to be learning stuff we can do after all of our parenting techniques have failed? At the same time, I truly did not want to make the lady who spoke think she wasn't doing a good job... she really was doing a great job... it just wasn't what we needed. I felt defeated...

After this, we took a much needed break and she grabbed my arm as I walked out the door. I thought, Oh dear Lord, maybe I hadn't hid my emotions very well and she was going to ask me to leave!! : ) To my relief, she said, "You guys have been dealing with this for quite a
long time haven't you?" I looked right into her eyes as she still held my arm and I replied with a choked up, teared-up, "yes, we have, It's been about three years now." She said she could see the numbness in my face. When she said that, I felt as if she understood us. I think she knew
that we were not gaining any ground and felt our silent desperation. I was able
to talk to her about our relationship with Stephan some and felt that she
understood, but still ... My feelings of desperation were still there, but she knew it. I guess just her knowing it made me emotionally able to continue. I

After the break, we had lunch with our children! I finally got to see Stephan
and hug him! : ) We ate lunch and after lunch we talked about "The Family
Plan!" My volcano was in remission by this point with our one on one therapist, but I just went with the flow.

Every family had homework the night before and each parent and each child
had to answer 11 questions. They were all the same questions, but we read them
aloud. All around me I saw progress being made. That made me happy. I saw relationships building, hearts mending and communication going on perhaps for the first time ever. When our turn was all over the therapist commented on our family and "that she could see that we had very healthy communication with one another." We thanked her... I also think that Stephan really learned some things through the exercise... especially in controlling his anger and his tongue. That was progress!

Everybody broke up into individual groups and met with their personal
counselor. Before ours got to our table we were given a packet and this… was
the family plan. We opened it.~

This was the moment I had been waiting for.... This was the
packet that was going to change the history of our family as we currently know
it! This plan was going to be the climactic ending of despair and the beginning of hope...
Now that we'd learned to Parent, we were finally to next step! This step was going to tell me
EXACTLY what needs to happen NEXT when Stephan gets home and an effective way to
assist him in succeeding! This was the NEXT I was waiting for!! It went something like this: Drumroll please.......................

#1) CURFEWS- I _______________ agree to a curfew of _________ each night during
the week and __________ on the weekends. If I do not abide by this contract
this will be the course of action taken by _____________ my guardians.
1)- If I come in late one night, I will have to be home one hour earlier the
next night.
2) -If I come home late two nights in a row, I will have to be home two hours
earlier the next night.
3)-If I come home late three nights in a row, I will get all media taken away
from me for one week. This includes: ( I Pods, I-Pads, video games, computer,
TV, radio, etc.)

The list went on to discuss: Chores, homework, grades, school attendance,
phone, cell phone, peer relations... the last one... bedtime all in the three strikes you're out formality!

Alrighty then, -My volcano was simmering again..... My volcano was about to erupt!!! I thought, are you kidding me???? Stephan HAS a stinkin' curfew!!! But... not that he ever abided by it! Before Rehab, if he didn't want to come home, he didn't! We finally kicked him out... twice!
What I want to know is step FOUR!!!!

They want me to take away his "media?" MEDIA??  This is a child that has had everything taken away from him except his underwear!!! He's lucky to have had them- I just didn't want to see his naked butt! Not taking them away was for my benefit, not his! We've took his car, cancelled the insurance TWICE for months each time! When we kicked him out he didn't have a car! I felt as if we were waaaaaaaay past what this Family Plan contract was asking us to do! What do you do when they don't come home and don't call and you have no idea where they are.... What do we do then? Take his
"media" away?

Our counselor finally came to our table and I'm usually not one
to speak when I'm angry, but I DID!!! I surprised even myself! I think Richard was
surprised at me too. I just began to speak, point and tell her our situation of how we've done this, this, this, and that. Stephan had defiled, this, this, this and then some....!!  I explained to her where we were and this plan is basically too elementary for our situation. I also told her that our family has no communication bearers. We talk to Stephan from everything from socks to sex! I told her that he has no problem talking to us either. I told her about kicking him out and that Richard
and I both had called the authorities on him on two separate occasions. I was
trying my best to inform her of the severity and high intensity of things at home and what we have
done to cut it off at the pass and in having already done all these things, nothing works! It doesn't work because Stephan defies all the rules.

Richard chimed in and said that he really appreciated all that they are doing there, but that we had taken nothing from Rehab this week that we can effectively use in our home or situation. She spoke up and asked who bailed Stephan out when we he was in jail! I really think she thought we did!

I told her that a friend of his did and that we later confronted him and told
this friend it was none of his business. She looked at Richard and I both and
said that it really appeared that we had done everything right! That should make me feel good right? It didn't.... we were leaving with no tools, no basket of knowledge... We left with nothing....

Fear welled up within me! I didn't want Stephan to know this, but I was so afraid of him coming home. All these "what ifs" started popping in my brain like a pot of popcorn popping ferociously without a lid!

The Lord calmed my fears and I cried when I got home. I hadn't cried in such a long
time. It had been too long. I “had” grown numb... My strength should be coming from the Lord and I
was a big, ole, ball bag, volcano erupting on everyone! It felt good actually.

The day was drawing near to bring him home and we were planning some kind of trip or something to surprise him with instead of going straight home.

On a positive note: Stephan left rehab sober and with a desire to stay
that way. We took him camping the day he got out of Rehab. It was a very fun
relaxing trip to say the least! Brandon and Ellie went too. Stephan looked so good. He had gained 20 pounds. He was his old self and it felt really good to be a family again.

Day by day I know that I can't protect him. I can't fight his
battles for him no matter how big my mommy claws are! This is his battle and
we've been there for him for three years. We will continue to be there for him.
My prayer is that he will now take the tools he’s learned, because he did learn lots of things. I pray that he will not see us as his enemy, but that he will let us assist him in this journey.

Looking back, we “have” set boundaries. We "have" done some right things... Not perfectly I might add, but we've done a lot of right things. We came up with our own family plan moving forward. It is a lot longer and more in depth that the one in Rehab… I also have to remember that Stephan's fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers of darkness.... He also wrestles with his own sinful desires to cope with life’s problems with drugs. I have learned that this is ”his” battle and it will be won.... If he fights it! It’s icing on the cake if he lets us help him.

So, long story short. Stephan got a lot from Rehab and he did
take many tools away from there. He has a bag full. I hope he will continue
putting them to use. We are going to Intensive Outpatient Treatment four nights
a week for the next five weeks. Stephan and I are studying the Bible and
praying together each day. He worked with an electrician friend of ours today
and is wanting a job somewhere.... We plan to put in more applications next
week. We are trudging along and it's good........

Stephan passed his first drug test last night at IOP…. I was so
proud! He looks so good!I just have to keep on praying...

In The Midst of Things I Hear Music

Stephan was in Rehab for 15 days… During his stay there he was able to call us on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays for only ten minutes. We were able to visit on Saturdays. We had taken him on a Friday, visited with him the next day and didn’t speak to him until the next Monday. I was so anxious for his call that day. I didn’t know if he’d be begging to come home- telling us how much he hated the place or if he would still be excepting of being there.

The call went great Monday. I felt as if I was able to talk to the Stephan I used to know. He was clear-headed and seemed happy. He told us he was glad he was there and that he was praying every morning and every night. He was reading his Bible that we sent. He told us that he really needed to get things right with God and was working the program there, doing all his work and participating. He said that he was learning a lot about himself, what makes him upset, what sets him off. He was also learning to deal with these things and realizing that the drugs were causing his feelings of frustration to be elevated! Stephan is also OCD… When everything in life is clean, organized and controlled, Stephan does great! When something goes wrong in his life that he can’t control - one little thing -  Everything in his life crumbles to the ground. It’s as if someone took their hand and knocked down a portion of his house built of toy blocks. He won’t pick up the pieces that fell and start putting things back together again. He uses drugs to deal with the pain part of his house being destroyed.

He’s learning to pick up the pieces of his life, his heart and the world around him.

Stephan also said that he was having a small Bible Study with two of the teens there, which was good news. When Richard and I hung up, I cried “a little” for the first time in weeks. I think I had grown so numb and in an effort to protect myself from any more hurt I just shut down the part of me that feels “anything.”

Richard and I both sent him encouraging letters while in Rehab.  I had also found encouraging quotations in the form of a picture that I printed, cut out and sent to him.

I have to admit that the first week I had so much peace… Not the kind of peace I’d imagined. It was peace of mind knowing he was there and not here… and not on drugs! It was like a vacation away from him and freedom from worry. I finally had a break! I felt somewhat guilty, but I didn’t have to worry where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. I didn’t have to worry that he might not come home! I didn’t have to worry if he might be in jail or doing anything to land him there!  I hope this doesn’t sound selfish… I was just plain worn out and I felt as if I could breathe again. He was getting help and he wanted it and we definitely wanted that for him. We had exhausted all of our options…

When Wednesday came, we had another great conversation. He had learned even more about drugs and prone to addiction being a disease. He learned he had an addictive personality and reasons behind why he used drugs to run from the world. He also just liked drugs! He also expressed to us that night that he was feeling really good, eating good, but that he was afraid to come home.  When he first said this, panic ran through me from head to toe like a lightning bolt!! That statement made me feel as if he had no confidence in himself, the program, us or God! But then- it hit me… This was also a first step in him truly recognizing that he had a problem and he “was” afraid! He should be afraid! If he “wasn’t” afraid, then I might have something to be worried about!!! My mind was settled again.

I sent him his Bible. I had wrote him a letter inside that just simply told him to look up key words in the back, words like: fear, trust, faith… etc.  just to get him into the Word. I told him that if he didn’t know where to study that these key words might help get him started.  He was doing that. He also told us before we hung up that he wanted us to send him scriptures on fear. He was afraid of this big ole world and wanted comfort from God’s Word of why he didn’t have to fear as long as God was in control. My heart ached for my son, the pain he was going through and the anxiety he was feeling as his release date drew nearer.  I knew that he was allowing God to work though. I sensed a faith and trust in God that he hadn’t had before.

This part- was music to my ears……

Rehab

As I write this, Stephan is in rehab...My heart is heavy. But before I write about this, I'd like to share some events that led up to this decision.

Stephan has been doing quite well since being home where it's safe. He had decided as in a previous post, that he was going to finally set his mind to finding a job and he was putting in applications left and right. He also recently met with an advisor with Richard and I and was planning on college in January! Things seemed like he was improving!! He was still hanging out with Tony, Nick and Morgan. I do not like, nor approve of Stephan hanging with either of these people. I love them in the name of Jesus.. but "four" wrongs definitely don't make any "rights!" Long story short, if you remember, Tony, Morgan and Stephan all found themselves in jail for having beer in the car after being pulled over one night. Stephan spent two days in jail. I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually- I'd get the call from the police if things did not change. If he- did not change!

You know, it would be so wonderful if I could tell Stephan who he could hang out with and who he couldn't and he actually listened! We are at the point now with him that he breaks every rule... EVERY rule! We made the decision a while back to let him live here for safety's sake. I may should recap on that... 

You see, several months ago, we gave Stephan the option to follow the rules of our home- to get to live in our home- "or" if he couldn't follow the rules, he'd have to leave! He decided that he couldn't follow the rules, so Richard took him into town and dropped him off!  His disrespect, drug use and behavior had gotten so bad that we came to this decision. Previously, we had taken everything from him but his underwear and ...we... were out of options! Curfews? Joke... He just won't come home!  Take his car? Joke... He'll just "walk" into town, ride his skateboard into town, or call a friend!  Take his cell phone? Joke... He'll walk to a gas station and call someone to come pick him up from there!!!  Block phone numbers on his cell phone? Joke... He'll use someone else's! Change his number? Joke... He'll just give it out again! He already had no TV, video games, I Pod.. must I go on? So, giving  him this option was our only choice, but was still an excruciating decision to take him into town and leave him there- which- we had done before he found The Bloods! I just couldn't believe we had really come to the place where we had no other options!!!  Right before living with the Bloods, he lived under a bridge for two nights. Then lived with the gangsters for months. I mourned everyday for his safety... It was a decision to hopefully allow him to hit rock bottom, so that he would realize once again that he needed to make changes in his life! Not an easy thing for a mother to allow...  As the story continues, he was beaten up twice. The first time this happened, he called us "sober," -we picked him up "drunk..."  He stayed one night with us and because of getting drunk "after" he called, Richard told him we'd give him a safe place to stay that night, but that he'd have to make arrangements in the morning. He went back... and was beaten up again.  He calls again, sober and we pick him up... sober!  He told us he was tired of "thugging it" and wanted to live by our rules at home, so we let him come back. We also decided that he was safer living with us and prayed his drug use had come to a close. I fear for his life.. you just have no idea! Thus, this was the decision to let him live here...

Ok, back to where I was: Since living here, he's done such a good job of hiding drugs and alcohol use until a few weeks ago. He was distraught over a girl one day (Morgan..) She doesn't care about him... I have no idea why in the world he continued to pursue her! Oh wait... I do... sex. I think that's probably the truth. He found himself in a drunken stupor! Well, we found him... It wasn't hard. He was outside on our street yelling and cussing. Richard tried to calm him. He threw his liquor bottle on the street and busted it. Seeing him like this forced me to nervous tears. My body was trembling in sheer panic, because he was in a rage, running up and down the streets actually doing damage to our neighbors property! I ran to get the phone. Richard called the police. About seven minutes later as I was crying and sweeping glass into a dust pan off the street...they came. Stephan was still walking around hysterical. The police caught up to him and they cuffed him, put him in the car and took him to jail... This is his second time in jail. As they drove by me, I didn't know if I wanted to look at Stephan or not. I didn't know if I could look at my baby boy that I loved being hauled off to jail. For some reason, without even thinking, I looked up and met eyes with him in the back seat of the car. He was looking at me with such hatred. Although our eyes only met for that brief moment, my heart felt as if had been removed from my body and was there ready to sweep up with all the broken pieces of glass. I felt helpless...once again.

We had decided were not going to bail him out!! He would be in there until his court date....Guess what? His friend Tony bailed him out! We later told Tony that this was none of his business, but Tony is an adult, he is legally able... Nothing we could do!

Tony was in pitiful shape himself! He was kicked out of the Alabama children's home for drugs and has recently went to live with the man who adopted him -and then left him at the children's home when he was nine...

So, after jail, Stephan began practically living with a new friend, Caleb. Caleb's parents had been missionaries for 15 years. Sounds like a promising situation right?  Well, Caleb and Stephan were doing drugs together. Over the course of three days they had inhaled 13 air dusters, smoked pot and over dosed on Musinex DM! Richard's secretary saw Stephan laying in the parking lot where Richard works!! She went to get Richard, so Richard got him up, then called me. Caleb was also as high as Stephan, and come to find out, he was in his car somewhere nearby. Yes, they were driving!!!!!!

Richard had both boys in his truck and left Caleb's car at the plant. We both agreed that we should call Caleb's Dad, so Richard did. His dad came to our house. Caleb had admitted to thinking of committing suicide during the week and had made plans to actually do it and he said that Stephan saved him by coming to his house!  Caleb had planned to put a noose around his neck, inhale air duster, pass out, hang himself and he would not feel any pain.  I'm going to tell you, this was a rough day filled with one terrible disaster after another. Both boys are now at my house, high as kites, throwing up, slurring all over the place, not even able to walk with noodles for legs. Lord, how can things get worse...?  In the meantime, Richard and Caleb's dad were trying to figure out the best options for the boys.  Caleb's dad had no idea about the suicide and was devastated to learn of it! He told us that he knew he was smoking a little pot and that was all.

We called a Rehab Facility that we knew of. We've researched many just over the course of time and had a good idea of one. We talked to Stephan "as best as someone can talk to an intoxicated person" and Stephan wanted to go. He FINALLY wanted to go. Had he hit rock bottom? Richard and I knew that Rehab would do Stephan no good unless he will willing to work the program. We had also been told this same thing by others who have had family members in Rehab, but we also didn't want Stephan to die!! When we arrived just hours later, he was coming down, but still wanted to be there. Then, all of a sudden he starts changing his mind. He kept saying he could do this himself. He said, "I know I have to do this, but I can do it on my own!!!" We reminded him of different times of doing well and he always, always found himself right back in the middle of it all! He couldn't stay away! He finally convinced himself that he needed to stay again and agreed with us.

He's been there for almost two weeks. We talk to him for 10 minutes three nights a week and visit on Saturdays. He is reading his Bible for the first time in a long time. We are fervently praying and sending him letters, devotions, etc.  He is praying and says that he is trying to get his life right with God. He is learning a lot about himself and it pin-pointing areas of his life that he has gained a lot of insight and understanding in. He's working on his emotions. He's in group, working the 12 steps, counseling... etc.. etc... 

That's where we are. I am digging for scripture for comfort and scripture to comfort him. He is very fearful about coming home!! Very fearful...  His whole life has to change... I mean his WHOLE life!
I am very fearful about him coming home. My emotions have been so crazy. I am scared... I admit it! It scares me at the thought of him being back and the unknown. I have confidence that God will give me strength I need for each step of the way. That is my only comfort in this time of sincere desperation and I pray that my child will begin to heal.

Oh God, please watch over him. Be his guide and his shelter. May he find refuge under your wings during this storm he is going through. May you guide him safely through, so that he can see the light of your Son when it passes over. Give him courage and strength and determination to defeat this addiction within him. By the power of your Word may he learn that he is not worthless, but he is Your child and your love is unconditional. May he come to repentance and fall on his knees before You. May his life be forever changed and may You get the glory for all that is endured..
In Jesus Name Amen!

When It Takes a While

I wanted to share a devotion that my friend, Tami wrote. She is a writer for ZooKeepers Ministries and she too has prayed for her prodigal son for many years. The key here is prayer... Prayer reaches beyond what we can think or feel and.. when we don't even know what "to" pray we trust that the Holy Spirit is going before the Lord on our behalf. It's then we sit and meditate on God's Word. I've gotten my Bible out and prayed scripture when I didn't know what to pray... My point is... pray! Tami has much to praise the Lord for today because of her faithfulness to prayer... Read her words:

Friday: When it Takes Awhile

Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 25:5 (NASB95)I want to close this week of Doses by sharing a bit of encouragement with you regarding a specific prayer being answered in a way far different from anything I would have imagined or initially preferred.

I've shared bits and pieces here and there about our older son and his choice of living a prodigal lifestyle. I can promise you that God has used that situation to teach me a TON about persistent prayer! In 2002, God gave me a promise from Philemon and that promise has been my anchor is a very turbulent storm.

Here's the promise, straight from Philemon 15-16: For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.

On another occasion, the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray for him to be drawn back with cords of love. I had no idea at the time that what I had been instructed to pray was found almost word for word in Hosea 11:4. Truthfully, I had been praying, "Lord, if you need to send a Mac truck to draw Him back to you, that's ok!" God's ways are so much better, aren't they!?

Not long after Christmas, the announcement was made that we were going to be grandparents. Joshua and his girlfriend were pregnant! This was not my plan for the my firstborn son but the Lord began to remind me of the promises and Scriptures He had given me to pray. In January, I revamped my prayer journal ... one specific thing for each person ... no more of this praying for all kinds of things ... I would focus on just one thing for each person this year and base it on a specific Scripture.

I am delighted to tell you that there has been exponential growth in my son; our relationship is stronger than it has been in almost ten years and if I could search the world over, I could not find a more perfect young woman for him! God has used some pretty cool cords of love to draw a young couple to Himself.

I suppose I could reject God's answer to my prayers because it didn't come packaged as I had imagined or I can embrace every ounce of it and enjoy the blessings of a restored and expanded family. God gives us choices.

When answers don't seem to come or if they come in unexpected wrappings, I encourage you to press in to the One who loves you and longs to have a relationship with you. He will give you light for the journey and answers along the way. He desires for us to run this race of life with endurance so that we will become perfectly mature, complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:4). Constant communication with our heavenly Father makes this possible. I encourage you to determine today to make prayer a top priority for all of your days.

From my heart to yours,

Tami

Daily Decisions

You know, the last post I posted about Stephan we were pretty upset because he couldn't seem to get home on time. I guess we felt as if we were being taken advantage of by him and when there is no rule he will follow... then what's a parent to do?

We've already "kicked him out." Not that we wanted to. We felt it was best... Best in the aspect of him learning to be thankful for a house to stay in and around parents who love him. In one of my previous posts, we see where he ended up. He was living with gangsters... After all of that horrible situation, we felt he was safer living with us despite what we were dealing with. Sometimes life is hard and decisions we make are hard. The decisions we do make, I want to make sure it's for his best interest.

It seems that no matter what Stephan goes through, like being kicked out, he is better for a season once things are over. He does seem to learn valuable lessons. He admits openly the things he has learned! Sorrowfully, his season usually only lasts for about one week before he's back doing the same ole stuff.

I knew in my heart that jail was coming. I've known this for sometime. Last week- the time came! He had been driving around with some friends and Stephan threw a beer bottle out the window. A citizen reported them and not long after that phone call, a cop pulled them over, searched the car, and found more beer. All three kids in the car were under age and all three kids went to jail.

We had made our minds up that we were not going to bail him out and we didn't. He was there for two days.

He came home and seemed to have this new attitude! He was set on getting a job and swore up and down that he was finished with pot and drinking!! He put in about 15 job applications that week!

I have to tell you that I've had my hopes built up so many times, only to have those hopes shattered like glass beneath my feet, so I was not emotionally able to believe him. I just couldn't let myself believe it was over.

I loved on him that week. We did some things together. I took him to the animal shelter to get some volunteer forms. I had actually been praying about something like this. Something that Stephan could do, volunteer wise that would help build his self esteem and give him a sense of giving of himself. That always makes him feel good. It was a good week.... It was short lived.

Right now, we are back where we were, but he is home and that's where he is safest...for now. There is just no balance in our life right now. Just no balance... So, we make daily decisions that seem to change as often as the direction of the wind.

When Others Hurt You

If you have a child on drugs, then it's probable that you have felt as if your child, you, or even your own character or parenting ability has been evaluated by many others. You have been critiqued. You've been examined and measured. You've been judged! Ouch, that's such a harsh word...

I think that for most women, it's so easy for us to wear our emotions on our sleeves. When things like this happen, it cuts deep. These types of hurts leave wounds and scars that are not easily healed. Women loose trust in others, especially in other women when they have been hurt. What's worse, is they loose their freedom in finding confidence in others to seek wise counsel or.. just a shoulder to cry on. It's a lonely battle to face alone.

For "a mother"... feeling as if you are being judged because of the actions of your teen leaves you with a "fight or flight" feeling almost. We are protective! We either want to push our child behind us while we duke it out with someone, or we want to snatch our child up into our arms and run to get away from whatever we feel could bring hurt to our child! Now, I would never duke it out with someone, but just for the sake of letting you know how I feel, those words do seem to have the punch I was looking for!

I tell you, the feeling of being judged, critiqued, measured, examined... or even "thinking" we are being judged, especially from ones we know in the Christian community, is a feeling that can bring the most hurt to our hearts. How do you get the feeling that you're being judged? Well, sometimes, it can be things that people say to you or your child. Sometimes, it's a look or a stare. Sometimes, it's someone ignoring you in the grocery store and acting as if you are not even there. Sometimes, it's the way they squint to look at your child, then at you. It's those curious expressions that make you feel as if you are being examined, when truthfully, you really have no idea what they are thinking! I've questioned my paranoia several times! I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just me! At times, it has been me... Other times, it hasn't. Someone has verbalized harsh statements to me and it hurts...it just does.

Sometimes, members of your own family... your own "flesh and blood," can be harsh in their opinions of what you should do or say... or what you "should've" done!! Thankfully, ours have not. They've been mostly hurt themselves by Stephan's choices. They love him and want what's best for him as we do. They want to help, but don't have the slightest idea how. They are in the same situation as we are as far as having a desire to do something or say "just the right thing" to change him or change his mind about his choices! I know myself that only Stephan can do this himself. Stephan allowing Christ to change him from the inside out is his only hope and we can't make that decision for him either.. I pray earnestly for a turning point in his life.

Some of my family members are not even Christians, so why does it seem that they love him unconditionally and do not even understand the unconditional love of God? Why do some Christians that I am surrounded by, who do understand sin, being saved from sin themselves, and who "do" also understand the unconditional love that God gives- not see Stephan as God does?
The verse in Romans 5:8 is coming to mind:
But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


I tell you, I would be lying if I said to you- "Girl, I am suuuch a strong Christian- I have rose above all of this.. yes I have!" I could even say it with a little "tude" and with total confidence in myself! Perhaps a little jerking of the head as I say it with some "tude!" Yeah, that's it!!

The truth is: I am "trying" to rise above. I am seeking God's Word for comfort and understanding. I am asking Him for strength to not ever, ever make someone else feel as I have been made to feel by others. I am learning...

My husband gave the challenge for everyone in our Sunday School class to read all of Psalms 119 before eating lunch yesterday! People usually go to lunch right after church and Psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, so this was a great challenge!! I began my reading in the car after church and at our table as I sat with a bowl of hot chips right in front of me. Psalms 119 is about God's Word! As we read through, we see words like law, testimonies, ways, precepts, statutes, commandments, judgements, and Word. These are all synonyms "for" God's Word in this chapter. This whole chapter describes the importance of God's Word! It is a lengthy celebration of God's Word! The psalmist can not stop praising God for His mercy and goodness in providing His people with instructions for living!! The psalmist has a sincere hunger and thirst for the Word...

As I read through, it spoke to me in many ways. The more I read, I not only was NOT tempted by the hot chips in front of me... I was comforted. I was satisfied as I found myself eating from God's Word.
Verse 9: "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to your Word." Just as I said above, Stephan, or your child, can only cleanse their way if they take heed to God's Word.
In verse 11, it reminded me that I am to hide God's Word in my heart that I might not sin against Him.
Verse 17 asks for God to deal bountifully with us and we may live and keep His Word.
Verse 21, God rebukes the proud.
Verse 22, asks God to remove reproach and contempt from our lives. Right after that in 23, he says that princes have sat and spoke against him, but he meditated on His statutes.. 24, Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors!
28-32, his soul is heavy.. He asks for strength according to God's Word. He desires truth and shows a willingness to follow. He asks God to enlarge his heart!
In 69, the proud forged lies against him. In 70, their hearts are fat as grease. In 78, he asks that the proud be ashamed, for they treated him wrongfully with falsehood, and he will meditate on His Precepts.
80- Let MY heart be blameless regarding Your Statutes, that I may not be ashamed.

If you read on and on through these 176 verses, you can see that the psalmist describes a hostile world that we live in. But in the same breath, he describes a deep desire to remain faithful to God and His Word. He expresses an allegiance to God's Word that he will not abandon, even under pressure! He regularly affirms a delight in God's Word! : )

You would also assume that the people the psalmist is speaking of that bring hurt to him are non- believers. They probably are... But there are verses in scripture that speaks of carnality and immature Christians such as 1 Corinthians 3:1-3: "1 Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?"

I just have to remind myself that perhaps people that I encounter are possibly not in God's Word. Maybe... they are having an "off" day. We all do from time to time. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe "I" am judging someone for their curious expressions, assuming I know what they are thinking! If people I encounter are not seeking God, or are not in His Word, then how can they possibly have the right attitude toward others?

One example, of someone not having a right attitude.. and the only example I'll give is probably a result of a fellow brother not being in God's Word, or just not living it out for this moment, but here it is: Stephan was at church and in the Gatheria with a young girl. This is a girl that we have been praying about. She's a sweet-heart. She and Stephan would make such a good match, although it's not for us to determine. : ) Back peddling a bit, back to the past- Stephan had made a remark a few months ago that he just needed a good girl and that perhaps this "good girl" could encourage him to be better. Well, this is a hole that only Christ can fill, but surrounding himself with people who bring encouragement him and lift him up is- in my opinion, also heading in a positive direction! Anyway, they were together in the Gatheria. Someone walked up to she and Stephan. He was an adult... He spoke to Stephan's friend, Allison. They exchanged some "how are you's." Then, this adult said to her... "I see who you are with!" He said this right in front of Stephan! My heart was broken as Stephan was telling me this... Stephan, said that he told this man this: " I know my life isn't perfect, but I guess you didn't hear Brother Doug's sermon today about love and forgiveness and that all people sin. There are people in this world that only come to church just to say they came. They really don't love God and they are hypocrites. There are also people that come to church and say they love God and treat people mean.. Well, they are hypocrites too!" Then Stephan walked off.... and left them both standing. Stephan was right...! People that say they love God, but treat people mean, I'd have to say is the worst Hypocrite of all...

Now, I do have to say... this is one person out of 1000 that have been nothing but encouraging to Stephan. We have a wonderful church family. I think this particular person saying this really got to me, because he and his wife also have a son that has been/is still on drugs. Shouldn't he have more of an understanding and compassion for Stephan? Like I said, perhaps this was just not his day where he lived out God's Word... Maybe he's struggling in another area and he spoke out of his own frustrations... I don't know...

Well, my conclusions to all of this is:

It doesn't matter what others do or say. What matters most is that I am doing what I need to do for my own life to live according to God's Word and do what pleases Him and do what brings glory to Him. I am praying for my son... There are others praying for him as well. If some people think I am a bad mother or a bad person.. or that my child is... Well, what matters most is what my Heavenly Father knows. He sees into the depth of our hearts. His Holy Spirit resides within me. The only person I am accountable to is Him. The only person I need to please is Him. The source of my guidance and direction- is Him!

What matters- is how "I" respond or how I treat others. I am to also love my enemies and those who may spitefully use me. I have to remember that I am blessed when I am persecuted (Matt. 5:11) As long as I am living, learning, and loving I am pleasing my Father and He will bring blessing to me and my family. As long as He is leading me, then our decisions are between He and us, they are of no consequence to anyone else. I have to place my trust in Him. Not feel fulfillment in pleasing anyone.. but Him. This brings me to a place of perfect peace...

It does hurt to know your child is hurt, especially by someone that you expect to show grace and mercy. I also talked to Stephan about it and told him the man was wrong. I told him I was sorry he was hurt. We talked about the things he said to the man. At the same time, although the man was wrong, I told Stephan that he needs to forgive him. I believe Stephan understood. God has taught me more about grace, mercy and compassion for my own life lately... I am trying to teach that to my son... and that, my friend's... is what matters most.