I posted a video yesterday (Henry's Story.) I can't get something his mother said off my mind. She said that a lot of people attribute teen drug use to bad parenting, which she said, is absolutely not true. I think she also said that people say that if teens use drugs, the "teen" is just a bad kid. I am not quoting here... but of course, like she said, neither is true.
The reason I can't get it off my mind is because it's funny the things you learn as you walk with the Lord. The things you learn about yourself and about others. It's also funny the things you learn from experience. I honestly used to believe that if you taught your children all the things they need to know growing up; that what was poured and planted into them would eventually cause gazillions of "sprouts of goodness" to grow from their heads and that nothing would ever go wrong! I have to admit, I struggled for a long time when we discovered Stephan was using. I thought "I" had done something wrong and I constantly asked myself the question, "Where did I go wrong?"
When your child reaches adolescence, we have to remember that all that goodness is still in there, but the child doesn't always choose to "prune" all of those "sprouts" growing out of their wee little heads!!!! Sometimes, it seems that they whack em' off at the root and burn the stump! Why do they want to go against what has been ingrained in them? Well, just as Adam and Eve fell into sin, so have we.. and so do our kids. We all have a sin nature. This nature rears it's ugly head in different ways for everyone.
Seeing Stephan struggle in this area has truly given me compassion for anyone going through any type of struggle. It's so easy to sit back and judge, but the truth is, what may seem easy to me may be tremendously hard for someone else. We all have our vices and crosses we bear. I'm sure things I personally struggle with may be a walk in the park for some others!!
I am a singer... I don't talk about that a lot, but it's one of my callings and my ministries. I sing on occasion for an organization called Celebrate Recovery or CR. We go to a fairly large Baptist church and CR is held at our church on Thursday nights. You can find CR's all over the US. When I'm asked to sing, I attend the worship secession of course and I sing a special during part of that service. Afterward, everyone breaks up into small groups. I'm not part of that, so I can't tell you what all that entails.
All I do know is that I love being around people who are open and honest about their struggles. The worship service is "freeing." You feel free to be exactly who you are, warts and all. We come to the cross - warts and all. Jesus forgives us- warts and all. The difference between certain Christians and Christians in CR is that the ones in CR have no more pride, because they openly admit to their struggles. They know now that nothing can separate them from the love of Christ. They know that they now have a savior who has paid the price for their sins and all has been forgiven! They worship, serve and seek help, because they have been freed from the guilt of sin. They truly understand Grace... and Mercy. They continue their journey through life by attending CR to overcome and maintain. There are some Christians in churches today living a lie. Seeking to protect their image in the community or their reputation among believers. Dear people, my husband often uses this analogy: "The church is a hospital for Christians" and in some ways it is. You don't have to "have" your life right before you can be part of a church, but you can't "get" your life right either until you are part of the church of Jesus Christ. ~Giving Him your heart is the first step. Their is healing in His hands. It's so freeing to come alongside other believers to have accountability and unconditional love.
Stephan doesn't understand all this. He says he hates church. He told me that last night. He was hurt by some of the youth members at church who say they love God, but then turned their backs on him. He calls them hypocrites out of hurt. I know that he doesn't understand, but they are growing.. just as he is. I've tried to explain that to him, but I can't change the fact that he was hurt. On the other hand, I am overwhelmed by the amount of adults who speak with him, talk with him, pray for him... I have people to ask how he is doing all the time. I've never been in a church quite like ours. I pray that very soon, Stephan will understand what it means to raise his hands and know that their is freedom, not condemnation in Christ. God doesn't want him to feel condemned, but loved. I hope he can grow to this point soon.
He tells me that his life is not right with God and that he's not going to pretend that it is, like some of his friends. You know, I'm so proud of him for that. You know what that tells me? It tells me that when he does get his life right with God- it will be real! I couldn't ask for anymore than that! As I said in my last post, He led my eight year old nephew to the Lord just last week! He knows the truth. (The way, the truth and the life!)
I have to believe that somewhere in that head of his, sprouts are rooting where seeds have been planted! I pray that very soon, these seeds begin take off and grow. Good parenting is planting seeds... that's it. It's up to our children to cultivate, prune and maintain the growth. It's part of growing up... If you're planting, then good job parent! ...You are doing all the right things!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A letter to Stephan
The following letter is a letter I wrote to Stephan today. During Christmas, we went to my mother's house. My sisters children came over and spent the day with us. Jade is 14, Isaiah is 8. Jade nor Isaiah have grown up in church and have never even heard the gospel of Jesus Christ.... except from me. I have talked to Jade numerous times, but it's hard for her because our talks are not being cultivated by any other source. Living nine hours from her, it's hard to keep a relationship going except by facebook, e-mail and letters in the mail- which I have made a point to do through the years.
When we visit NC, Isaiah has taken to Stephan, especially in the last two years. I can tell by his eight year old expressions that he thinks Stephan is just SO cool!! He wants Stephan to play with him and wants to impress Stephan with things he knows how to do. Little boys are so impressionable at his age. I was so proud of Stephan for taking the time this Christmas to "play" with Isaiah and make him feel excepted.. silly giggles and all!
I noticed that Stephan and Isaiah stayed in the back bedroom for quite sometime. My husband went in there a few times and was told to leave... that they were talking. After about an hour Isaiah came into the living room, looked at Richard and said, "Do you pray... like everyday?" Richard was sort of taken by surprise, but told him that as a matter of fact, he does! Isaiah began to ask Richard question after question... He showed Richard a piece of paper he had in his pocket. Richard noticed it was Stephan's handwriting. Stephan had wrote down how to be saved and make Jesus Christ your Savior. He wrote scripture after scripture.... I had never been so proud. Isaiah told Richard that Stephan and he had prayed "what was on that paper" in the bedroom. Ok, tears.... tears!
Richard began to tell Isaiah (with Stephan in the room) all about Jesus and why he was born. He told him the Christmas story.. a story he had never heard. Isaiah wanted Stephan to buy him a "kids Bible" so that he could understand God. Now that we are home, we are getting it shipped to him from Stephan.
My heart is exploding with joy.... Stephan knows so much truth, yet he deny's God's power in his own life at times. He knows others need Him and leads them to Him, yet he runs.
I am reminded that God answered a prayer of mine a while back, a prayer that let me know that He in fact has a mighty plan for Stephan's life. It was on the day he got his drivers license. I sat there on a bench in the courthouse and prayed for Stephan as he went to take his drivers test. I prayed that the work that God started in Stephan years ago would be completed one day. I prayed for God's plan for Stephan's life... When Stephan came back, the officer said there was something special about Stephan and that God had a plan for his life! Ok, Knock me down! Such a God moment. And you know, Stephan has such great potential, he's the only one who can't see it at times. God does have great things in store.... it was confirmed.
I stumbled across this heart wrenching video today and I wanted Stephan to watch it. The boy, Henry, died at the age of 18 from a long struggle with drug addiction in which he finally overdosed and passed away. It is a sad video and I cried for Henry's family. I sent it to Stephan for two reasons I guess. This first reason I never mentioned to him of course... but I hope he sees that drugs are a dead end street and how easy it was for this young boy to get to a point of no return. I hope he sees how much this family loved Henry and miss him terribly. The second reason, the main reason is hoping that he can see that he wants more out of life... I want him to say to himself that "God's put me here for many reason's... I know so much about drugs, about the habit, about the addiction. Perhaps I can tell my story to hopefully help guys and girls steer clear or to think about how much life "is" worth living and drugs are not worth doing!" I hope he sees that drugs are not a game to toy with one's life with and that he has the ability to help others that could be struggling with the same things that he is/has gone through. I hope he sees that with God, he can have victory over his struggles by helping others overcome theirs.
I wanted this letter to Stephan to be encouraging... I hope it is.... He has so much to give.
(The Letter:
Hey Baby,
I am sending you this link to a video. When you see it you may roll your eyes and not want to watch it... I love you with all that is in me and I am so very proud of you in so many ways. You have surprised me in so many ways.. good ways over the last few days. I was so proud of you for being such a good friend and example to Isaiah. He came to know God because of you and what a better time than Christmas! My heart wells up with gladness. I've told you that you are going to do great and mighty things for God one day! Things that me, dad or Brandon may never do... I told you that back in homeschool! I know God has plans for your life. What plans? I don't know, but you've won more people to the Lord than even I have as of yet! You have a story to tell... a story that can help people around you. You know, what you have been through, the devil means for evil, but God means for good. He never takes us through anything that we can't get through when we trust Him. He will never leave or forsake us. God allows certain things to come into our life and allows us to go through hard times. I think that as long as we keep our hand in his hand He will bring us through and He wants us to help others going through the same stuff we've been through by teaching people what we've learned!
I hope this video helps you discover where you want to go and what you want to do with your life, because you have so much to offer this world! People love you, kids are drawn to you... Isaiah said you were his best friend- that's what he told me! : ) People listen to you, you just have a way with people and I think you know it. I think you should start a blog about your journey over the past few years and attempt to help kids struggling with drug addiction. You may make more of a difference in this world than you know... You may save lives in more ways than you know! I can help you start one!
I know that you have a purpose... you have a mission.... you can help kids like the one in this video by choosing to be used and finding your place in this world! I love you with all my heart!
Mom
http://www.wbir.com/dontmiss/139771/207/Henrys-Story-A-young-mans-battle-with-drug-addiction-and-the-family-who-tried-to-save-him
When we visit NC, Isaiah has taken to Stephan, especially in the last two years. I can tell by his eight year old expressions that he thinks Stephan is just SO cool!! He wants Stephan to play with him and wants to impress Stephan with things he knows how to do. Little boys are so impressionable at his age. I was so proud of Stephan for taking the time this Christmas to "play" with Isaiah and make him feel excepted.. silly giggles and all!
I noticed that Stephan and Isaiah stayed in the back bedroom for quite sometime. My husband went in there a few times and was told to leave... that they were talking. After about an hour Isaiah came into the living room, looked at Richard and said, "Do you pray... like everyday?" Richard was sort of taken by surprise, but told him that as a matter of fact, he does! Isaiah began to ask Richard question after question... He showed Richard a piece of paper he had in his pocket. Richard noticed it was Stephan's handwriting. Stephan had wrote down how to be saved and make Jesus Christ your Savior. He wrote scripture after scripture.... I had never been so proud. Isaiah told Richard that Stephan and he had prayed "what was on that paper" in the bedroom. Ok, tears.... tears!
Richard began to tell Isaiah (with Stephan in the room) all about Jesus and why he was born. He told him the Christmas story.. a story he had never heard. Isaiah wanted Stephan to buy him a "kids Bible" so that he could understand God. Now that we are home, we are getting it shipped to him from Stephan.
My heart is exploding with joy.... Stephan knows so much truth, yet he deny's God's power in his own life at times. He knows others need Him and leads them to Him, yet he runs.
I am reminded that God answered a prayer of mine a while back, a prayer that let me know that He in fact has a mighty plan for Stephan's life. It was on the day he got his drivers license. I sat there on a bench in the courthouse and prayed for Stephan as he went to take his drivers test. I prayed that the work that God started in Stephan years ago would be completed one day. I prayed for God's plan for Stephan's life... When Stephan came back, the officer said there was something special about Stephan and that God had a plan for his life! Ok, Knock me down! Such a God moment. And you know, Stephan has such great potential, he's the only one who can't see it at times. God does have great things in store.... it was confirmed.
I stumbled across this heart wrenching video today and I wanted Stephan to watch it. The boy, Henry, died at the age of 18 from a long struggle with drug addiction in which he finally overdosed and passed away. It is a sad video and I cried for Henry's family. I sent it to Stephan for two reasons I guess. This first reason I never mentioned to him of course... but I hope he sees that drugs are a dead end street and how easy it was for this young boy to get to a point of no return. I hope he sees how much this family loved Henry and miss him terribly. The second reason, the main reason is hoping that he can see that he wants more out of life... I want him to say to himself that "God's put me here for many reason's... I know so much about drugs, about the habit, about the addiction. Perhaps I can tell my story to hopefully help guys and girls steer clear or to think about how much life "is" worth living and drugs are not worth doing!" I hope he sees that drugs are not a game to toy with one's life with and that he has the ability to help others that could be struggling with the same things that he is/has gone through. I hope he sees that with God, he can have victory over his struggles by helping others overcome theirs.
I wanted this letter to Stephan to be encouraging... I hope it is.... He has so much to give.
(The Letter:
Hey Baby,
I am sending you this link to a video. When you see it you may roll your eyes and not want to watch it... I love you with all that is in me and I am so very proud of you in so many ways. You have surprised me in so many ways.. good ways over the last few days. I was so proud of you for being such a good friend and example to Isaiah. He came to know God because of you and what a better time than Christmas! My heart wells up with gladness. I've told you that you are going to do great and mighty things for God one day! Things that me, dad or Brandon may never do... I told you that back in homeschool! I know God has plans for your life. What plans? I don't know, but you've won more people to the Lord than even I have as of yet! You have a story to tell... a story that can help people around you. You know, what you have been through, the devil means for evil, but God means for good. He never takes us through anything that we can't get through when we trust Him. He will never leave or forsake us. God allows certain things to come into our life and allows us to go through hard times. I think that as long as we keep our hand in his hand He will bring us through and He wants us to help others going through the same stuff we've been through by teaching people what we've learned!
I hope this video helps you discover where you want to go and what you want to do with your life, because you have so much to offer this world! People love you, kids are drawn to you... Isaiah said you were his best friend- that's what he told me! : ) People listen to you, you just have a way with people and I think you know it. I think you should start a blog about your journey over the past few years and attempt to help kids struggling with drug addiction. You may make more of a difference in this world than you know... You may save lives in more ways than you know! I can help you start one!
I know that you have a purpose... you have a mission.... you can help kids like the one in this video by choosing to be used and finding your place in this world! I love you with all my heart!
Mom
http://www.wbir.com/dontmiss/139771/207/Henrys-Story-A-young-mans-battle-with-drug-addiction-and-the-family-who-tried-to-save-him
Last Probation Visit
Stephan's drug test came back clean again for a second time! I am praising the Lord....
We still have battles to fight. I have discovered that he has been drinking some and also got some ADHD medication from a friend. These two drugs do not show up on a drug test...
Although we are still at war, I feel as if some progress is being made, but I can't help feel somewhat helpless as we approach the end of his probation period. Will he fall back down into the deep, darkness that once encapsulated him? Oh, how I am praying not...
He is still his old self. He still has that spark that makes him "Stephan!" He finally has goals. He has plans to attend college and has called twice inquiring about what to take. He's making decisions and is looking for a full-time job!
We went to NC for Christmas and on Christmas Day he and his girlfriend decided to break up. She's going into the air force in seven months and the decision was mutual. I fear depression coming on. He's quiet, but happy... He's not devastated, or it doesn't seem that he is. Sometimes it's hard to tell. He is openly talking to me and Richard about the break-up, which I see as a good thing. He internalizes things at times and I just pray that he doesn't sink... I hope he's gained enough insight these last few months to swim! I pray that I can be encouraging enough to him and loving enough to help him through this. Break-ups are a big deal at his age.
Lord give us strength. Thank you for Your grace and mercy that reaches to the Heavens. Thank you for your Holy Spirit who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray....
I lift my hands to you..... Protect and guide us. Help us... Keep my son in the palm of your mighty hand.
We still have battles to fight. I have discovered that he has been drinking some and also got some ADHD medication from a friend. These two drugs do not show up on a drug test...
Although we are still at war, I feel as if some progress is being made, but I can't help feel somewhat helpless as we approach the end of his probation period. Will he fall back down into the deep, darkness that once encapsulated him? Oh, how I am praying not...
He is still his old self. He still has that spark that makes him "Stephan!" He finally has goals. He has plans to attend college and has called twice inquiring about what to take. He's making decisions and is looking for a full-time job!
We went to NC for Christmas and on Christmas Day he and his girlfriend decided to break up. She's going into the air force in seven months and the decision was mutual. I fear depression coming on. He's quiet, but happy... He's not devastated, or it doesn't seem that he is. Sometimes it's hard to tell. He is openly talking to me and Richard about the break-up, which I see as a good thing. He internalizes things at times and I just pray that he doesn't sink... I hope he's gained enough insight these last few months to swim! I pray that I can be encouraging enough to him and loving enough to help him through this. Break-ups are a big deal at his age.
Lord give us strength. Thank you for Your grace and mercy that reaches to the Heavens. Thank you for your Holy Spirit who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray....
I lift my hands to you..... Protect and guide us. Help us... Keep my son in the palm of your mighty hand.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
CHINS Program, Turning Our Son In...
As you know from my last post, Stephan left home. He chose to leave because he said that he could not follow our rules and my husband helped him pack a bag and took him into town and let him out. This was one of the most devastating decisions that we've made so far. I know my son is 17, but the thoughts of him walking down the road, in the dark with nothing but his backpack breaks a mother's heart. I am tearing up just writing this. My husband would not let me go.. of course, I didn't want to. I couldn't bear watching him walk away...homeless.
He stayed with his friend, who is also on drugs, for three days. During these three days, he did "live it up," so to speak. I knew he would. He called home high needing food. He said there was nothing at all to eat there and I believed him! The house itself looks like a home you would see on "Hoarders." There are dogs in the house, which do their business in the floor and no one cleans up! Yes... I know! Anyway, I asked him how much money he had and told him that he would need to skate or walk to the grocery store and buy him some food. Of course he played games with me and kept calling, but as much as I wanted to rescue him, I stood firm knowing that this may be our last chance at letting him learn just how great this lifestyle really was!!! He called my husband.. Richard asked him what his food budget was. Stephan said, "four dollars." So, Richard went to Publix and bought him bologna and a loaf of bread that Stephan paid for. Richard dropped it off and left. Stephan ate bologna till his heart was content.. um no, until he was sick of it! Finally, like I said after three days, he came home. He was complaining about the environment there. I reminded him of how lucky he was to have a clean home and a bed to sleep in.. food to eat etc. He actually agreed with me! He told me... (this is his words) how stupid they were for living that way and why can't people just clean up and live right! All you moms out there know what I was thinking about my own son, but I didn't say anything, I just let him complain hoping that he would talk himself into repentance! He said he almost starved and he would never eat bologna again! I was internally glad, you know, doing a jig inside--my happy dance--although, again, I didn't say a thing! I did ask him about his desire to live on his own, to get away from us and our rules. I asked him if it was as easy as he thought it would be and he did say no. He said he knew now that he couldn't afford it. He told me he'd need a full time job. All the things he was saying were very promising. I felt a glimmer of hope welling up inside me! How long would I get to feel this?
The next morning, he got mad because he couldn't find his cigarettes! This is what he does coming off drugs. I had learned to recognize it now. It was a fit of rage really! He was hitting his walls and punching his door. It was so terrible, I locked myself in my room and called my Richard to come home from work! When he arrived, he talked to Stephan, got him calmed down, but when they came back in, they went up to pack again.... my glimmer of hope was now extinguished! He took Stephan back into town where he wound up back at this same kids house for two more days until..........
Until... about 10:30 one night, we got a call from the alarm system company that monitors security at my husband's plant! The alarm had went off! I was almost relieved that it wasn't the police calling about Stephan! We got in the car and were on our way down there. In the mean time, my husband was speaking with the police on the phone- who had just arrived- and said that someone had broken in. They had thrown a huge landscape brick through a window and climbed in. We immediately suspected Stephan. Oh how I was praying for him to have nothing to do with this!! We arrived... Someone had climbed in, cut themselves, turned OFF the alarm, because they "KNEW" the code, stole cash from the cash box, and went out a back door. This was the worst moment of my life thus far... I'm staring into the face of a police officer knowing that it was my son... knowing and not "really" knowing all at the same time what was about to happen! We told the officers that we suspected our son, because whoever it was knew the code to disarm the security system. There was blood everywhere.. even on the wall beside the keypad... it was a bloody handprint that may belong to my son... I was sick...
My husband told them where to find our son, they went straight there and questioned him and saw the cut on his hand. There were two others involved. They cuffed them and took them downtown!
After I had time to process this in my mind, I thought, ok, this is the breaking point! He's in jail... We've come to the end of the road. It's time to act. It's now or never. My child is in JAIL!
I heard recently that when your children are small you are a cop! You monitor their behavior and when they mess up they are disciplined accordingly, but when they are teens, parents should be able to shift from cop mode to coach mode. We give them great advice and then give them the choice to make the right decision! I guess it's sort of a trial and error type of thing that they are still learning from their mistakes. I felt like that's what we did when we let him pack his stuff! Well, he did NOT make the right decisions! When they can't make the right decisions, you have no choice but to make decisions for your child, because they are not capable! I'm not sure if that means we are sort of cop and coach now... I just don't know. All I do know is there are real cops involved now.
Because Stephan was 17, they could not keep him unless my husband or Chuck, the president of the company pressed charges! My husband was on the phone with the police for, what seemed forever! That police officer had also had problems with his son, so he really helped us make some decisions. First, my husband had to call and wake up the president of his company to inform him of everything that had taken place that night. It was 2:30 am!! I could tell that this was not an easy call for Richard. Chuck is also his friend... but still this is Richard's boss and this is his company and our son stole from him. We were humiliated.
The police officer mentioned the CHINS (Child In Need of Supervision) program to Richard. We had already looked into CHINS when Stephan got caught selling marijuana to a kid he knew!! So.. we knew a little about it. Basically, you are transferring your parental rights to your child to the court system and they determine what's best for your child because the parents have exhausted their options! Your child is on "probation" so to speak and will report to a probation officer for drug testing once a month, they access your child to see if counseling is needed or rehab is needed etc.
Richard and Chuck decided that instead of pressing charges that this would be the best route to take for now. We met with Stephan's probation officer for the first time, they accessed him... I even had to take a test! We made an appointment for his first counseling secession. His drug test came back negative! Stephan knew he would have to take one. However, I will have to say that this was a real eye-opener for Stephan! He knows he was lucky! His probation officer was none to easy on him and for that I am glad!!!! She told him EXACTLY where he was headed if he didn't get it together! She asked him if he enjoyed his ride downtown!
Here is a link to the CHINS program:
http://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-and-families/chinsIt has been three months now.. or he's been three times to the probation office and he's clean!!! Praise God!! My son is cleeeeeaaannn! His behavior is different! Day by day I could see my old Stephan resurfacing! He's jokey... he goofy, he's responsible! I had forgotten who he was. I actually thought that his personality was just who he was becoming and I didn't realize the effect that drugs was having on that! He's keeping his room clean again and fusses at ME when I need to tidy up downstairs.... He even helps me! He has a girlfriend! By her coming into the picture has kept him away from all the guys he was around. This has been a blessing! We are not letting them go out yet... He's got a lot of trust to earn back.
Stephan's first counseling secession went great, but he does not want to go back. He says that he has goals. One, to stay off drugs, two to earn his money for his car insurance to be able to drive again, three to start college!!! Did you hear that? COLLEGE!!!! He says he had to do this on his own.... I disagree with him, which is why me and Richard are still in discussion about continuing the counseling. He has to want to go for it to do any good... But, if he does go- even if he don't want to at first, he may find that he's glad he is going for more support and accountability!
We are still not out of the woods... By no means are we! I will willingly admit that by now, I am not a naive parent and I do have concerns that when this probation period is over what we may face. My prayers are that by then he will have seen what life is like without drugs and that he will choose not to revert back into that behavior.
For now, we are still working on occasional outbursts of anger. His probation officer gave him a list of every job opening here and he has applied for three so far. His job that he works now does not give him many hours at all. That's another thing, Stephan has too much time on his hands. He neeeeeeds to be busy! He needs structure and somewhat of a set schedule! He's in the beginning stages of working toward his goals.
Turning him in was the best thing we've done so far... It gave us a foot-hold once again. Gave us a sense of control and gave him major accountability! If Stephan does not comply he will be facing boot camp for boys. So far, so good....
"(We can) be confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)Stephan can't get away from God, He is his child. He was saved at an early age, but has strayed. God will complete the work He began in Stephan one day. It's a promise...
He stayed with his friend, who is also on drugs, for three days. During these three days, he did "live it up," so to speak. I knew he would. He called home high needing food. He said there was nothing at all to eat there and I believed him! The house itself looks like a home you would see on "Hoarders." There are dogs in the house, which do their business in the floor and no one cleans up! Yes... I know! Anyway, I asked him how much money he had and told him that he would need to skate or walk to the grocery store and buy him some food. Of course he played games with me and kept calling, but as much as I wanted to rescue him, I stood firm knowing that this may be our last chance at letting him learn just how great this lifestyle really was!!! He called my husband.. Richard asked him what his food budget was. Stephan said, "four dollars." So, Richard went to Publix and bought him bologna and a loaf of bread that Stephan paid for. Richard dropped it off and left. Stephan ate bologna till his heart was content.. um no, until he was sick of it! Finally, like I said after three days, he came home. He was complaining about the environment there. I reminded him of how lucky he was to have a clean home and a bed to sleep in.. food to eat etc. He actually agreed with me! He told me... (this is his words) how stupid they were for living that way and why can't people just clean up and live right! All you moms out there know what I was thinking about my own son, but I didn't say anything, I just let him complain hoping that he would talk himself into repentance! He said he almost starved and he would never eat bologna again! I was internally glad, you know, doing a jig inside--my happy dance--although, again, I didn't say a thing! I did ask him about his desire to live on his own, to get away from us and our rules. I asked him if it was as easy as he thought it would be and he did say no. He said he knew now that he couldn't afford it. He told me he'd need a full time job. All the things he was saying were very promising. I felt a glimmer of hope welling up inside me! How long would I get to feel this?
The next morning, he got mad because he couldn't find his cigarettes! This is what he does coming off drugs. I had learned to recognize it now. It was a fit of rage really! He was hitting his walls and punching his door. It was so terrible, I locked myself in my room and called my Richard to come home from work! When he arrived, he talked to Stephan, got him calmed down, but when they came back in, they went up to pack again.... my glimmer of hope was now extinguished! He took Stephan back into town where he wound up back at this same kids house for two more days until..........
Until... about 10:30 one night, we got a call from the alarm system company that monitors security at my husband's plant! The alarm had went off! I was almost relieved that it wasn't the police calling about Stephan! We got in the car and were on our way down there. In the mean time, my husband was speaking with the police on the phone- who had just arrived- and said that someone had broken in. They had thrown a huge landscape brick through a window and climbed in. We immediately suspected Stephan. Oh how I was praying for him to have nothing to do with this!! We arrived... Someone had climbed in, cut themselves, turned OFF the alarm, because they "KNEW" the code, stole cash from the cash box, and went out a back door. This was the worst moment of my life thus far... I'm staring into the face of a police officer knowing that it was my son... knowing and not "really" knowing all at the same time what was about to happen! We told the officers that we suspected our son, because whoever it was knew the code to disarm the security system. There was blood everywhere.. even on the wall beside the keypad... it was a bloody handprint that may belong to my son... I was sick...
My husband told them where to find our son, they went straight there and questioned him and saw the cut on his hand. There were two others involved. They cuffed them and took them downtown!
After I had time to process this in my mind, I thought, ok, this is the breaking point! He's in jail... We've come to the end of the road. It's time to act. It's now or never. My child is in JAIL!
I heard recently that when your children are small you are a cop! You monitor their behavior and when they mess up they are disciplined accordingly, but when they are teens, parents should be able to shift from cop mode to coach mode. We give them great advice and then give them the choice to make the right decision! I guess it's sort of a trial and error type of thing that they are still learning from their mistakes. I felt like that's what we did when we let him pack his stuff! Well, he did NOT make the right decisions! When they can't make the right decisions, you have no choice but to make decisions for your child, because they are not capable! I'm not sure if that means we are sort of cop and coach now... I just don't know. All I do know is there are real cops involved now.
Because Stephan was 17, they could not keep him unless my husband or Chuck, the president of the company pressed charges! My husband was on the phone with the police for, what seemed forever! That police officer had also had problems with his son, so he really helped us make some decisions. First, my husband had to call and wake up the president of his company to inform him of everything that had taken place that night. It was 2:30 am!! I could tell that this was not an easy call for Richard. Chuck is also his friend... but still this is Richard's boss and this is his company and our son stole from him. We were humiliated.
The police officer mentioned the CHINS (Child In Need of Supervision) program to Richard. We had already looked into CHINS when Stephan got caught selling marijuana to a kid he knew!! So.. we knew a little about it. Basically, you are transferring your parental rights to your child to the court system and they determine what's best for your child because the parents have exhausted their options! Your child is on "probation" so to speak and will report to a probation officer for drug testing once a month, they access your child to see if counseling is needed or rehab is needed etc.
Richard and Chuck decided that instead of pressing charges that this would be the best route to take for now. We met with Stephan's probation officer for the first time, they accessed him... I even had to take a test! We made an appointment for his first counseling secession. His drug test came back negative! Stephan knew he would have to take one. However, I will have to say that this was a real eye-opener for Stephan! He knows he was lucky! His probation officer was none to easy on him and for that I am glad!!!! She told him EXACTLY where he was headed if he didn't get it together! She asked him if he enjoyed his ride downtown!
Here is a link to the CHINS program:
http://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-and-families/chinsIt has been three months now.. or he's been three times to the probation office and he's clean!!! Praise God!! My son is cleeeeeaaannn! His behavior is different! Day by day I could see my old Stephan resurfacing! He's jokey... he goofy, he's responsible! I had forgotten who he was. I actually thought that his personality was just who he was becoming and I didn't realize the effect that drugs was having on that! He's keeping his room clean again and fusses at ME when I need to tidy up downstairs.... He even helps me! He has a girlfriend! By her coming into the picture has kept him away from all the guys he was around. This has been a blessing! We are not letting them go out yet... He's got a lot of trust to earn back.
Stephan's first counseling secession went great, but he does not want to go back. He says that he has goals. One, to stay off drugs, two to earn his money for his car insurance to be able to drive again, three to start college!!! Did you hear that? COLLEGE!!!! He says he had to do this on his own.... I disagree with him, which is why me and Richard are still in discussion about continuing the counseling. He has to want to go for it to do any good... But, if he does go- even if he don't want to at first, he may find that he's glad he is going for more support and accountability!
We are still not out of the woods... By no means are we! I will willingly admit that by now, I am not a naive parent and I do have concerns that when this probation period is over what we may face. My prayers are that by then he will have seen what life is like without drugs and that he will choose not to revert back into that behavior.
For now, we are still working on occasional outbursts of anger. His probation officer gave him a list of every job opening here and he has applied for three so far. His job that he works now does not give him many hours at all. That's another thing, Stephan has too much time on his hands. He neeeeeeds to be busy! He needs structure and somewhat of a set schedule! He's in the beginning stages of working toward his goals.
Turning him in was the best thing we've done so far... It gave us a foot-hold once again. Gave us a sense of control and gave him major accountability! If Stephan does not comply he will be facing boot camp for boys. So far, so good....
"(We can) be confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)Stephan can't get away from God, He is his child. He was saved at an early age, but has strayed. God will complete the work He began in Stephan one day. It's a promise...
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