Tragedy

A few weeks ago, the son of some dear friends of ours died in a tragic car wreck. Karen and Jessie had just lost their only son, Nick. Karen works with Richard. We got the call around 10:00 for us to come to their house. Nick's girlfriend was in the car with him and she also died. I'm telling you dear friends, the cry of a mother who just lost her only son still rings in my ears. It's the cry of grief beyond anything I've ever heard. Karen and Jessie's son was a good kid. He was the life of any gathering. He was cordial and respectful, full of laughter and such a jokester! My son, Stephan and he had played golf together several times and have known one other since middle school. He was 17... I can't pretend to know God's plan or purpose for this. All I kept saying every time the thought of this tragic event entered my mind was," oh my God, oh my God... " There was no drugs or alcohol involved. There were no evident signs of anything that led to the wreck. It's a mystery... This wreck was on a straight road that ended in a head on collision and no one can seem to figure out how it happened. The only thing left to wonder about in my mind is if it was a dog or deer that ran out in front of his car and he swirved to miss it and hit an oncoming vehicle instead.

We walked upstairs and told Stephan of Nick's death right after we got the call. I knew this would be difficult news for him. Stephan wanted to go with us to see our friends. Stephan is pretty close to the Karen. She always talks to him when he comes into the plant, but it was still surprising that he wanted to go. I had reservations about him going. First, he was a teen and the sight of someone near her son's age could be painful. Secondly, she knows Stephan's struggles. She is the woman who found him laying in the parking lot at Richard's workplace that day. She has talked to Stephan in depth about getting things straight! Karen's mother, who is a drug and alcohol counselor in Florida has also been involved over the phone trying to help us in anyway she can. So, my second reservation also involved Karen seeing Stephan at her house knowing her son just died and my son lives a careless lifestyle and here he is standing in her living room- possibly wondering why this happened to her son when he tried to live life to the fullest! All I did know is that my friend loves Stephan, but I just didn't know how his presence would affect her or Jessie... under the circumstances.

I discussed my reservations with Richard. We didn't have a lot of time to weigh all the factors involved, but we decided to let him go. Richard said that in any situation it's best to err on the side of "being there for someone" and not worry about anything else. Stephan wanted to go. He could have just said he was staying home... He wanted to be there for them! Richard also said that if Karen or Jessie look back after their hearts have had time to heal a little that it would definitely be best that he "was" there and they will know that he wanted to be. What may be painful in the beginning will be a blessing later on. We hoped...

We walked in and held them both for the longest time. I still can't think about it without getting this huge lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart as it ached for them both. When she saw Stephan, she pointed at him, crying... lip quivering, and kept repeating... " You better... you.... you better straighten up." Part of me was not surprised she said this. I had prepared myself for it. The other part of me was glad she said these things. I didn't fully understand her pain, thank God. I never hope I do, but I was able to let her express her feelings and understand completely why she said it. She loves Stephan... but her son was on the right track doing all the right things and was taken from them. Here Stephan acts so careless with his life, yet it's been spared so many times. He had had 3 wrecks. I only hope that her words spoken in such pain and grief meant something to him. I hope they didn't hurt him. I hope he understood. I hate that my friend was in the situation that she had to speak those words. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them...

Oh Lord, hold them in your arms and bring them comfort during this time.

IOP- Intensive OutPatient Treatment

As I sit here and write, Stephan is gone. He ran away yesterday afternoon. We had two weeks of IOP under our belts and the last few days that we were there were not what I would call productive!

I sigh.... My heart is heavy. Richard and I had attended the Monday night Family Night Sessions. What we got was a little more of what we got when we were in Inpatient Treatment. We learned about body language, not yelling, leaning forward as you listen to someone, how to respond, how not to cuss! ...More about "feeling" words... We went around the room and spoke about situations in our home that cause arguments. We role played through a typical argument in our home that is something like-- Example: Stephan wants permission to go somewhere (before Rehab.) If he asked me for the permission, my response would always be that he would have to call his dad to get permission also. I didn't tell Stephan yes or no before calling Richard... Richard would be the one to give him permission, but then Stephan would have to give Richard the phone and speak directly to me to make sure I am on the same page with his decision! After this whole scene played out, the counselor told us we were a very functional family. We "are" pretty functional until Stephan does things that causes dysfunction in our home! If he would work with us, we could be pretty productive!

Well, what do you know.. the door bell just rang! Guess who? Unbelievable... as I am writing this, he comes home!

I went to the door, opened up the blinds to find him staring back at me with these goofy black glasses with no lenses in them and a quirky grin on his face. I told him he would have to wait till his dad got home to see if he could come in. His quirky grin disappeared, then he said, "I ain't doing that!" I just looked at him and he said, "Whatever..." and sat down on the step. He's still sitting there. I think he was somewhat shocked and he appeared to feel a little guilty. The longer he sits there he will conjure up a story of why he left and how it is all our fault, which will lesson his feelings of guilt. It's the way he operates. He's made his way to step number four again and leaving him on the steps seems to be my most reasonable choice right now.

Back to IOP- Last week, our counselor said these words to the group of boys during family time... "When you relapse..." Of course she finished the sentence, but when she said that I blurred the rest of her sentence! I thought, did she just say what I think she said? She did! Wait, we are paying you boo-coodles of money so that you can tell our kids that they will relapse ...and get sent back again? Dude, talk about job security!

Stephan and the other boys were also unattended during a break I noticed. I guessed that they are unattended during break the other three nights a week that we aren't there. As I sat there during this particular break and realized that they were unattended, I started to get up to go see what these boys were discussing. One mother started talking to me and I sat back down. I looked around the room and the fact that they were probably up to no good bothered no one but me.

As I talked to this mother, I learned that her son is the third child that she has been through rehab with. Her two older daughters were addicted to crack for many years. It's apparent that this family has dealt with lots of hurt through the years. I couldn't help but notice that the father was never there during family time either. I also couldn't help but disagree with this mother during our discussion time for allowing her son to go out with certain friends earlier that week to go see the movie, Paranormal Activity- A new movie that apparently just came out in the theater. Most people do not have a problem with this kind of thing, but I do. The title alone is enough for me. You let Satan in and he'll stay! You only have to invite him. She's not a Christian, so she's blinded by this sort of thing. It makes me feel sad for her whole family. They are lost. The absence of God in this home is evident and it's sad... This mother has no spiritual eyes nor ears and is blinded to the things that Satan uses to entrap her own children. I guess I also feel that giving him "permission" to hang out with the same ole friends to see the movie is just not a good decision on her part I don't think. BUT, because she doesn't have spiritual eyes she let him go. Also, perhaps she let him go because he'd earned some privileges at this point!  I don't know... I guess if I'd heard that he snuck out and went.. that would be a totally different scenario all the way around!

Another family in IOP, well a mother and son... Did I mention that there were NO Dads there at all... Where are all the Dads anyway? That's a good question! It was this way in impatient rehab too! Anyway, this other poor mother is there alone with her son and she is struggling herself. She is a recovering alcoholic. She admitted to having a pretty bad weekend and said she needed to call her sponsor. I find it truly difficult to relate to her. I've never been in her shoes, but yet again another family unit that needs Christ. This mother needs Christ to overcome her own addictions before she can help her son. Thankfully, she's seeking help for the both of them.

I guess my point to all of this rambling is the fact that there is still a question in the back of my mind that no matter what I do or how many family sessions I go to, it's still there. My question is: "What Do We Do Next?" Nothing seems to fit for us. There seems to be no self help ideas out there for parents in our situation...

I believe that even more so, I've learned that until Stephan wants to make this work, it won't work. As for us? We just need to keep our roles as mom and dad. Richard does the discipline, I try my best to love on Stephan. Richard and I both must maintain good communication, which is sometimes hard to do when we disagree on something. Those are the hardest of times! We mostly need to keep praying and praying! I've read The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartain. I pray the prayers written in her book out loud! I make them personal and add some to them, making them even more personal. Every time I pray... God moves. I truly believe God's hand was upon Stormie when she wrote these books of hers. If you've never heard her testimony, you should look it up. I heard her give it in person at a Women of Faith Conference. It's amazing how God touched her life. Here's the book:

http://www.bing.com/shopping/the-power-of-a-praying-parent-prayer-and-study-guide/p/FF5B288C66B1EA45A82B?q=power+of+a+praying+parent&lpf=0&lpq=power%2bof%2ba%2bpraying%2bparent&FORM=EGCA&lppc=16

Well friends, if your child is in the same boat as Stephan or is anywhere near the boat he's in, I pray that God will give you peace and comfort during this time. I know... it's hard. Sometimes people tell me that I seem to be handling this well. All I can say is that it must be God's mighty hand holding me up. There are days I feel I'm in utter despair. I have faith and hope that God will see him through this and in return God will get all the glory for it all...

Blessings,

Christel

Faith...

Taken from www.blueletterbible.org

Faith untried may be true faith, but it is sure to be little faith, and it is likely to remain dwarfish so long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and lightning's are her illuminators. When a calm reigns on the sea, spread the sails as you will, the ship moves not to its harbor; for on a slumbering ocean the keel sleeps too. Let the winds rush howling forth, and let the waters lift up themselves, then, though the vessel may rock, and her deck may be washed with waves, and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway towards her desired haven. No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky; no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity. Tried faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness had you not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength had you not been supported amid the water-floods. Faith increases in solidity, assurance, and intensity, the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious too. Let not this, however, discourage those who are young in faith. You will have trials enough without seeking them: the full portion will be measured out to you in due season. Meanwhile, if you cannot yet claim the result of long experience, thank God for what grace you have; praise Him for that degree of holy confidence whereunto you have attained: walk according to that rule, and you shall yet have more and more of the blessing of God, till your faith shall remove mountains and conquer impossibilities.

What We Learned From Rehab

I think for most parents sending your child to rehab is a last
resort. You do this when you feel you've tried everything you know to try- and
then some! Some parents send their child to rehab the very first time they find
a can of beer in their room or car. I could not be sure your child was an
addict at that point, maybe just plain curious, but that decision is yours for
the making. There is no right or wrong time to send your child to rehab if you
feel your child is addicted; that I've learned for sure. One thing I did learn
is this: If we had sent Stephan to rehab months ago when we almost did send him, (then he ran
away from home right before we were supposed to leave to go)... He wouldn't
have been open to learning anything at all being forced to go! Now, your child
may do better in this setting... They may only go if you force them! What it
all boils down to is that- if your child is willing to work the plan it will
work... if not, it won't! That’s the facts.

Mothers especially feel a drawn to do SOMETHING; to fix the situation! Since our
child's birth, we've nourished, clothed, kissed boo boos, dried tears, stopped
temper tantrums with just the sound of our voices, etc. On the other hand, when
our child is in tears, needs a boo boo kissed, hungry, tired or sleepy, who do
they come too? They come to Mommy. We are also wired to step in and protect our
child with every fiber of our being! When someone else's child is bullying our
child on the playground, our mommy claws emerge... and let me say... mommy
claws are… not… good!

When our child grows into young adulthood, mothers have a hard time transitioning
from nurturer/protector to an assistant. We have a hard time letting go and
letting the child we've protected all these years step out and do things on
their own. It's especially hard to watch them fail and learn from their
mistakes. We still want to teach and train when they mess up.. we still want to
protect and will go at any lengths to do so. Fact is, they've been taught and
trained! Now, I'm not saying that we stop teaching all together, I love having
meaningful conversations with both my boys, but it's time for it to take on a
new meaning, let go and see how they will handle life using the tools you've
given them all these years!

It's such a great and wonderful thing to experience your 18 year old coming to
you for advice on dating and marriage, or advice on anything for that matter!
It's so awesome to hear his thoughts on being pure and not getting into
tempting situations. It's a stupendous thing when he tells you he wants to be
on the mission field and you see him serving in different countries. It is a
humbling thing when you watch him take off his purity ring at 20 years of age and
hand it to his dad right before his new wife puts his wedding band on his
finger for the first time on his wedding day.

I have to ask myself if we did anything right as parents... We did! Did we make
mistakes?... We did! Do I give myself all the credit for my oldest son living
his life in submission to the Lord? Absolutely not! I thank God that Brandon
chose to absorb what we taught and trained through the years and that he built
upon the foundations laid before him. I praise God for salvation through Jesus
and the Holy Spirit in my life that changed "me" and gave Richard and
I wisdom to pour at least a few good things into our children, because HE is
good... we are nothing at all without Him!

Stephan chose the things he chose because "he" decided not to allow
God to give him power over sin. He decided to walk in disobedience. He knows
God, but doesn't follow Him. Brandon could have chosen the same route.

Stephan is such a leader! He's unbelievable....He's so personable and has such a candid personality. He's real... He's funny as mess! That's a phrase he uses! : ) Everybody likes him and he never meets a
stranger. Plus, he's just plain out handsome! If he lets God get ahold of him
we better watch out! He could make a huge impact for the Kingdom of God!
Huge.... !

So, we were scheduled to be at the Rehab facility the first week Stephan was there. We were there Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all day each day from 8:30- 3:00! I was so excited. I was so ready to go to my first meeting that day. I knew we were going to learn so much over the course of these three days and have so much to chew on! We were going to have answers to our "most asked" questions and "How To's" on things we didn't know "how to do." We were going to leave knowing exactly how to assist Stephan once he got home. We were going to have a full basket of knowledge, so to speak, of tools we could use in assisting Stephan in making life choices to help him turn his life around for the better. We would be able to make sense of possible things we needed to change as parents, tactics we could use concerning boundaries etc...

OH, this was going to be great!

We got there, signed in and were seated. The lady who spoke was a former
addict. I thought this is awesome, at least we're hearing from somebody who knows
what she's talking about! We sat and learned about addictive personalities, we
learned about addiction and why it's called a disease. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I think it's called sin... However, we heard testimonials from people who've been through rehab and now are helping others. That was really encouraging.

A doctor spoke who is also a former addict who taught us more on
the "disease." We did learn a few things that day! I was really looking forward to
Tuesday. We were going to learn about “enabling” the addict. I just knew that
Tuesday we may learn some new things... This was going to be the day for us!

Tuesday came... In group, all the parents sat around in a circle this time.
After everyone was introduced, I finally found that Richard and I were the only couple in there that were still married and were also the biological parents of our child. There were so many grandparents there with grandchildren. For that, I felt sad...

One couple, in there "were" the biological parents, but were divorced from one another and both were
currently remarried. There was another couple in there, currently divorced with
the step-mom sitting between them. There were a few single moms and spouses of
adults currently in the program. There was one single lady who just could not
stop crying. She had just found out her son was a user one week prior to being
there. She was in bad shape... I really felt so bad for her. She reminded me of myself when I first found out. As she spoke, she focused a lot on how much she loved her child. Her love for him was apparent, but she also admitted that she just couldn't say no to him. She admitted that her husband was also an addict presently and that he didn't even know she was there in rehab with their son.
She couldn't believe that she hadn't noticed any of the signs her son was using, but also said that she doesn't see him much due to working 12 hour shifts.

One lady spoke up and said her son was 21 and was crying as she expressed the fact that she didn't even know him. I couldn't help but wonder why... Did he live apart from her?

One set of grandparents were there because the parents couldn't come because they couldn't get off work. It saddened me that the parents, or at least one of them couldn't make being at rehab with their child a priority. One mother there really burdened me... you see, she was there with her child, but she herself was addicted to pain, she liked to burn herself.

My heart was stirring so much inside for my own son that day and I felt as if I was in the midst of people that needed so much healing in their lives as much as their children did! I was surrounded by so many hurting people and people whose lives were in a mess. They needed Jesus in a bad kind of way....

I did get to share with one mother and a grandmother during the course of these sessions, which was awesome, but it was just so discouraging to see families in such disarray...

The reason I even mention the atmosphere we were in is to say this- and because of what happened next and during the course of the next day. As I mentioned before, Tuesday's session was on enabling your child or doing things as a parent to support your child's drug use. (Ex: Not saying no, giving them money, no boundaries, no rules, children that are left to fend for themselves, no curfews, no family time.... and the list goes on.)

We sat in there while a few counselors and psychologists spoke on how parents
enable and don't even know they are doing it. We sat and listened to story after story as the parents in the room spoke and during this time, they were also learning so much for themselves by being there. I know this could sound bad, but I don't mean for it too, but I really didn't feel this was new news to us! As the psychologist spoke, lights were going on all over the room!
All this was really "new news" to most of them! One dad said that he had never heard his 18 year old son say, "I love you." Sadly, I wondered if his son had heard it himself, so that he could reply in the same manner. I scolded myself for thinking that....! I shouldn't do that! I think my frustrations were beginning to build. Then I thought to myself.. ok, tomorrow we are learning to get a family plan... Tomorrow will be good! Wednesday is going to be a game changer!

Well, Wednesday is the day that I was not a very happy person. We were taken by another
therapist to a conference room and as she wrote on a dry erase board, we learned
about “parenting” and "communication" with your child. On the communication part
she was talking about yelling, cussing, our body language, how to listen and act
interested in what another person is saying, not looking around while someone
is talking, taking your child seriously, how to interact and use "feeling" words. You know, I truly hope this doesn't sound bad.... or arrogant..... but this is not what I needed! I honestly thought I may throw up I was so mad inside. You have to also understand that I am not a temperamental person... at all. My facial expressions to not give me away usually! If something is bothering me with what you are saying -you'd never know!

Nothing was bothering me with "what" the therapist was saying at all! I was in
total agreement with everything she said!!!! It's just that this was what was going
through my mind and I'm just being honest:

I thought- I know I'm not a perfect parent by ANY stretch of the imagination,
but if I am in a room full of people that are learning to parent for the first
time in their lives- who haven't practiced parenting at all--all these years- then no WONDER your child is on drugs! Ok, I scolded myself again!!! But then, my next thought -(while I'm already living in the flesh)- was: WHY is my child on drugs??? Richard and I have done these things that we are "learning" to do. I want to know what's next... for US! What do we do when WE get home.... What in the world is next???? HELP me for goodness sake!!! I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry, run out of the room and go throw up! I think I already said the part about throwing up earlier.

During her lecture, I was like a simmering volcano ready to erupt at any
moment, so was Richard! Again, not at what she was teaching, but that she was having to teach this! Aren't we supposed to be learning stuff we can do after all of our parenting techniques have failed? At the same time, I truly did not want to make the lady who spoke think she wasn't doing a good job... she really was doing a great job... it just wasn't what we needed. I felt defeated...

After this, we took a much needed break and she grabbed my arm as I walked out the door. I thought, Oh dear Lord, maybe I hadn't hid my emotions very well and she was going to ask me to leave!! : ) To my relief, she said, "You guys have been dealing with this for quite a
long time haven't you?" I looked right into her eyes as she still held my arm and I replied with a choked up, teared-up, "yes, we have, It's been about three years now." She said she could see the numbness in my face. When she said that, I felt as if she understood us. I think she knew
that we were not gaining any ground and felt our silent desperation. I was able
to talk to her about our relationship with Stephan some and felt that she
understood, but still ... My feelings of desperation were still there, but she knew it. I guess just her knowing it made me emotionally able to continue. I

After the break, we had lunch with our children! I finally got to see Stephan
and hug him! : ) We ate lunch and after lunch we talked about "The Family
Plan!" My volcano was in remission by this point with our one on one therapist, but I just went with the flow.

Every family had homework the night before and each parent and each child
had to answer 11 questions. They were all the same questions, but we read them
aloud. All around me I saw progress being made. That made me happy. I saw relationships building, hearts mending and communication going on perhaps for the first time ever. When our turn was all over the therapist commented on our family and "that she could see that we had very healthy communication with one another." We thanked her... I also think that Stephan really learned some things through the exercise... especially in controlling his anger and his tongue. That was progress!

Everybody broke up into individual groups and met with their personal
counselor. Before ours got to our table we were given a packet and this… was
the family plan. We opened it.~

This was the moment I had been waiting for.... This was the
packet that was going to change the history of our family as we currently know
it! This plan was going to be the climactic ending of despair and the beginning of hope...
Now that we'd learned to Parent, we were finally to next step! This step was going to tell me
EXACTLY what needs to happen NEXT when Stephan gets home and an effective way to
assist him in succeeding! This was the NEXT I was waiting for!! It went something like this: Drumroll please.......................

#1) CURFEWS- I _______________ agree to a curfew of _________ each night during
the week and __________ on the weekends. If I do not abide by this contract
this will be the course of action taken by _____________ my guardians.
1)- If I come in late one night, I will have to be home one hour earlier the
next night.
2) -If I come home late two nights in a row, I will have to be home two hours
earlier the next night.
3)-If I come home late three nights in a row, I will get all media taken away
from me for one week. This includes: ( I Pods, I-Pads, video games, computer,
TV, radio, etc.)

The list went on to discuss: Chores, homework, grades, school attendance,
phone, cell phone, peer relations... the last one... bedtime all in the three strikes you're out formality!

Alrighty then, -My volcano was simmering again..... My volcano was about to erupt!!! I thought, are you kidding me???? Stephan HAS a stinkin' curfew!!! But... not that he ever abided by it! Before Rehab, if he didn't want to come home, he didn't! We finally kicked him out... twice!
What I want to know is step FOUR!!!!

They want me to take away his "media?" MEDIA??  This is a child that has had everything taken away from him except his underwear!!! He's lucky to have had them- I just didn't want to see his naked butt! Not taking them away was for my benefit, not his! We've took his car, cancelled the insurance TWICE for months each time! When we kicked him out he didn't have a car! I felt as if we were waaaaaaaay past what this Family Plan contract was asking us to do! What do you do when they don't come home and don't call and you have no idea where they are.... What do we do then? Take his
"media" away?

Our counselor finally came to our table and I'm usually not one
to speak when I'm angry, but I DID!!! I surprised even myself! I think Richard was
surprised at me too. I just began to speak, point and tell her our situation of how we've done this, this, this, and that. Stephan had defiled, this, this, this and then some....!!  I explained to her where we were and this plan is basically too elementary for our situation. I also told her that our family has no communication bearers. We talk to Stephan from everything from socks to sex! I told her that he has no problem talking to us either. I told her about kicking him out and that Richard
and I both had called the authorities on him on two separate occasions. I was
trying my best to inform her of the severity and high intensity of things at home and what we have
done to cut it off at the pass and in having already done all these things, nothing works! It doesn't work because Stephan defies all the rules.

Richard chimed in and said that he really appreciated all that they are doing there, but that we had taken nothing from Rehab this week that we can effectively use in our home or situation. She spoke up and asked who bailed Stephan out when we he was in jail! I really think she thought we did!

I told her that a friend of his did and that we later confronted him and told
this friend it was none of his business. She looked at Richard and I both and
said that it really appeared that we had done everything right! That should make me feel good right? It didn't.... we were leaving with no tools, no basket of knowledge... We left with nothing....

Fear welled up within me! I didn't want Stephan to know this, but I was so afraid of him coming home. All these "what ifs" started popping in my brain like a pot of popcorn popping ferociously without a lid!

The Lord calmed my fears and I cried when I got home. I hadn't cried in such a long
time. It had been too long. I “had” grown numb... My strength should be coming from the Lord and I
was a big, ole, ball bag, volcano erupting on everyone! It felt good actually.

The day was drawing near to bring him home and we were planning some kind of trip or something to surprise him with instead of going straight home.

On a positive note: Stephan left rehab sober and with a desire to stay
that way. We took him camping the day he got out of Rehab. It was a very fun
relaxing trip to say the least! Brandon and Ellie went too. Stephan looked so good. He had gained 20 pounds. He was his old self and it felt really good to be a family again.

Day by day I know that I can't protect him. I can't fight his
battles for him no matter how big my mommy claws are! This is his battle and
we've been there for him for three years. We will continue to be there for him.
My prayer is that he will now take the tools he’s learned, because he did learn lots of things. I pray that he will not see us as his enemy, but that he will let us assist him in this journey.

Looking back, we “have” set boundaries. We "have" done some right things... Not perfectly I might add, but we've done a lot of right things. We came up with our own family plan moving forward. It is a lot longer and more in depth that the one in Rehab… I also have to remember that Stephan's fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers of darkness.... He also wrestles with his own sinful desires to cope with life’s problems with drugs. I have learned that this is ”his” battle and it will be won.... If he fights it! It’s icing on the cake if he lets us help him.

So, long story short. Stephan got a lot from Rehab and he did
take many tools away from there. He has a bag full. I hope he will continue
putting them to use. We are going to Intensive Outpatient Treatment four nights
a week for the next five weeks. Stephan and I are studying the Bible and
praying together each day. He worked with an electrician friend of ours today
and is wanting a job somewhere.... We plan to put in more applications next
week. We are trudging along and it's good........

Stephan passed his first drug test last night at IOP…. I was so
proud! He looks so good!I just have to keep on praying...

In The Midst of Things I Hear Music

Stephan was in Rehab for 15 days… During his stay there he was able to call us on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays for only ten minutes. We were able to visit on Saturdays. We had taken him on a Friday, visited with him the next day and didn’t speak to him until the next Monday. I was so anxious for his call that day. I didn’t know if he’d be begging to come home- telling us how much he hated the place or if he would still be excepting of being there.

The call went great Monday. I felt as if I was able to talk to the Stephan I used to know. He was clear-headed and seemed happy. He told us he was glad he was there and that he was praying every morning and every night. He was reading his Bible that we sent. He told us that he really needed to get things right with God and was working the program there, doing all his work and participating. He said that he was learning a lot about himself, what makes him upset, what sets him off. He was also learning to deal with these things and realizing that the drugs were causing his feelings of frustration to be elevated! Stephan is also OCD… When everything in life is clean, organized and controlled, Stephan does great! When something goes wrong in his life that he can’t control - one little thing -  Everything in his life crumbles to the ground. It’s as if someone took their hand and knocked down a portion of his house built of toy blocks. He won’t pick up the pieces that fell and start putting things back together again. He uses drugs to deal with the pain part of his house being destroyed.

He’s learning to pick up the pieces of his life, his heart and the world around him.

Stephan also said that he was having a small Bible Study with two of the teens there, which was good news. When Richard and I hung up, I cried “a little” for the first time in weeks. I think I had grown so numb and in an effort to protect myself from any more hurt I just shut down the part of me that feels “anything.”

Richard and I both sent him encouraging letters while in Rehab.  I had also found encouraging quotations in the form of a picture that I printed, cut out and sent to him.

I have to admit that the first week I had so much peace… Not the kind of peace I’d imagined. It was peace of mind knowing he was there and not here… and not on drugs! It was like a vacation away from him and freedom from worry. I finally had a break! I felt somewhat guilty, but I didn’t have to worry where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. I didn’t have to worry that he might not come home! I didn’t have to worry if he might be in jail or doing anything to land him there!  I hope this doesn’t sound selfish… I was just plain worn out and I felt as if I could breathe again. He was getting help and he wanted it and we definitely wanted that for him. We had exhausted all of our options…

When Wednesday came, we had another great conversation. He had learned even more about drugs and prone to addiction being a disease. He learned he had an addictive personality and reasons behind why he used drugs to run from the world. He also just liked drugs! He also expressed to us that night that he was feeling really good, eating good, but that he was afraid to come home.  When he first said this, panic ran through me from head to toe like a lightning bolt!! That statement made me feel as if he had no confidence in himself, the program, us or God! But then- it hit me… This was also a first step in him truly recognizing that he had a problem and he “was” afraid! He should be afraid! If he “wasn’t” afraid, then I might have something to be worried about!!! My mind was settled again.

I sent him his Bible. I had wrote him a letter inside that just simply told him to look up key words in the back, words like: fear, trust, faith… etc.  just to get him into the Word. I told him that if he didn’t know where to study that these key words might help get him started.  He was doing that. He also told us before we hung up that he wanted us to send him scriptures on fear. He was afraid of this big ole world and wanted comfort from God’s Word of why he didn’t have to fear as long as God was in control. My heart ached for my son, the pain he was going through and the anxiety he was feeling as his release date drew nearer.  I knew that he was allowing God to work though. I sensed a faith and trust in God that he hadn’t had before.

This part- was music to my ears……

Rehab

As I write this, Stephan is in rehab...My heart is heavy. But before I write about this, I'd like to share some events that led up to this decision.

Stephan has been doing quite well since being home where it's safe. He had decided as in a previous post, that he was going to finally set his mind to finding a job and he was putting in applications left and right. He also recently met with an advisor with Richard and I and was planning on college in January! Things seemed like he was improving!! He was still hanging out with Tony, Nick and Morgan. I do not like, nor approve of Stephan hanging with either of these people. I love them in the name of Jesus.. but "four" wrongs definitely don't make any "rights!" Long story short, if you remember, Tony, Morgan and Stephan all found themselves in jail for having beer in the car after being pulled over one night. Stephan spent two days in jail. I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually- I'd get the call from the police if things did not change. If he- did not change!

You know, it would be so wonderful if I could tell Stephan who he could hang out with and who he couldn't and he actually listened! We are at the point now with him that he breaks every rule... EVERY rule! We made the decision a while back to let him live here for safety's sake. I may should recap on that... 

You see, several months ago, we gave Stephan the option to follow the rules of our home- to get to live in our home- "or" if he couldn't follow the rules, he'd have to leave! He decided that he couldn't follow the rules, so Richard took him into town and dropped him off!  His disrespect, drug use and behavior had gotten so bad that we came to this decision. Previously, we had taken everything from him but his underwear and ...we... were out of options! Curfews? Joke... He just won't come home!  Take his car? Joke... He'll just "walk" into town, ride his skateboard into town, or call a friend!  Take his cell phone? Joke... He'll walk to a gas station and call someone to come pick him up from there!!!  Block phone numbers on his cell phone? Joke... He'll use someone else's! Change his number? Joke... He'll just give it out again! He already had no TV, video games, I Pod.. must I go on? So, giving  him this option was our only choice, but was still an excruciating decision to take him into town and leave him there- which- we had done before he found The Bloods! I just couldn't believe we had really come to the place where we had no other options!!!  Right before living with the Bloods, he lived under a bridge for two nights. Then lived with the gangsters for months. I mourned everyday for his safety... It was a decision to hopefully allow him to hit rock bottom, so that he would realize once again that he needed to make changes in his life! Not an easy thing for a mother to allow...  As the story continues, he was beaten up twice. The first time this happened, he called us "sober," -we picked him up "drunk..."  He stayed one night with us and because of getting drunk "after" he called, Richard told him we'd give him a safe place to stay that night, but that he'd have to make arrangements in the morning. He went back... and was beaten up again.  He calls again, sober and we pick him up... sober!  He told us he was tired of "thugging it" and wanted to live by our rules at home, so we let him come back. We also decided that he was safer living with us and prayed his drug use had come to a close. I fear for his life.. you just have no idea! Thus, this was the decision to let him live here...

Ok, back to where I was: Since living here, he's done such a good job of hiding drugs and alcohol use until a few weeks ago. He was distraught over a girl one day (Morgan..) She doesn't care about him... I have no idea why in the world he continued to pursue her! Oh wait... I do... sex. I think that's probably the truth. He found himself in a drunken stupor! Well, we found him... It wasn't hard. He was outside on our street yelling and cussing. Richard tried to calm him. He threw his liquor bottle on the street and busted it. Seeing him like this forced me to nervous tears. My body was trembling in sheer panic, because he was in a rage, running up and down the streets actually doing damage to our neighbors property! I ran to get the phone. Richard called the police. About seven minutes later as I was crying and sweeping glass into a dust pan off the street...they came. Stephan was still walking around hysterical. The police caught up to him and they cuffed him, put him in the car and took him to jail... This is his second time in jail. As they drove by me, I didn't know if I wanted to look at Stephan or not. I didn't know if I could look at my baby boy that I loved being hauled off to jail. For some reason, without even thinking, I looked up and met eyes with him in the back seat of the car. He was looking at me with such hatred. Although our eyes only met for that brief moment, my heart felt as if had been removed from my body and was there ready to sweep up with all the broken pieces of glass. I felt helpless...once again.

We had decided were not going to bail him out!! He would be in there until his court date....Guess what? His friend Tony bailed him out! We later told Tony that this was none of his business, but Tony is an adult, he is legally able... Nothing we could do!

Tony was in pitiful shape himself! He was kicked out of the Alabama children's home for drugs and has recently went to live with the man who adopted him -and then left him at the children's home when he was nine...

So, after jail, Stephan began practically living with a new friend, Caleb. Caleb's parents had been missionaries for 15 years. Sounds like a promising situation right?  Well, Caleb and Stephan were doing drugs together. Over the course of three days they had inhaled 13 air dusters, smoked pot and over dosed on Musinex DM! Richard's secretary saw Stephan laying in the parking lot where Richard works!! She went to get Richard, so Richard got him up, then called me. Caleb was also as high as Stephan, and come to find out, he was in his car somewhere nearby. Yes, they were driving!!!!!!

Richard had both boys in his truck and left Caleb's car at the plant. We both agreed that we should call Caleb's Dad, so Richard did. His dad came to our house. Caleb had admitted to thinking of committing suicide during the week and had made plans to actually do it and he said that Stephan saved him by coming to his house!  Caleb had planned to put a noose around his neck, inhale air duster, pass out, hang himself and he would not feel any pain.  I'm going to tell you, this was a rough day filled with one terrible disaster after another. Both boys are now at my house, high as kites, throwing up, slurring all over the place, not even able to walk with noodles for legs. Lord, how can things get worse...?  In the meantime, Richard and Caleb's dad were trying to figure out the best options for the boys.  Caleb's dad had no idea about the suicide and was devastated to learn of it! He told us that he knew he was smoking a little pot and that was all.

We called a Rehab Facility that we knew of. We've researched many just over the course of time and had a good idea of one. We talked to Stephan "as best as someone can talk to an intoxicated person" and Stephan wanted to go. He FINALLY wanted to go. Had he hit rock bottom? Richard and I knew that Rehab would do Stephan no good unless he will willing to work the program. We had also been told this same thing by others who have had family members in Rehab, but we also didn't want Stephan to die!! When we arrived just hours later, he was coming down, but still wanted to be there. Then, all of a sudden he starts changing his mind. He kept saying he could do this himself. He said, "I know I have to do this, but I can do it on my own!!!" We reminded him of different times of doing well and he always, always found himself right back in the middle of it all! He couldn't stay away! He finally convinced himself that he needed to stay again and agreed with us.

He's been there for almost two weeks. We talk to him for 10 minutes three nights a week and visit on Saturdays. He is reading his Bible for the first time in a long time. We are fervently praying and sending him letters, devotions, etc.  He is praying and says that he is trying to get his life right with God. He is learning a lot about himself and it pin-pointing areas of his life that he has gained a lot of insight and understanding in. He's working on his emotions. He's in group, working the 12 steps, counseling... etc.. etc... 

That's where we are. I am digging for scripture for comfort and scripture to comfort him. He is very fearful about coming home!! Very fearful...  His whole life has to change... I mean his WHOLE life!
I am very fearful about him coming home. My emotions have been so crazy. I am scared... I admit it! It scares me at the thought of him being back and the unknown. I have confidence that God will give me strength I need for each step of the way. That is my only comfort in this time of sincere desperation and I pray that my child will begin to heal.

Oh God, please watch over him. Be his guide and his shelter. May he find refuge under your wings during this storm he is going through. May you guide him safely through, so that he can see the light of your Son when it passes over. Give him courage and strength and determination to defeat this addiction within him. By the power of your Word may he learn that he is not worthless, but he is Your child and your love is unconditional. May he come to repentance and fall on his knees before You. May his life be forever changed and may You get the glory for all that is endured..
In Jesus Name Amen!

When It Takes a While

I wanted to share a devotion that my friend, Tami wrote. She is a writer for ZooKeepers Ministries and she too has prayed for her prodigal son for many years. The key here is prayer... Prayer reaches beyond what we can think or feel and.. when we don't even know what "to" pray we trust that the Holy Spirit is going before the Lord on our behalf. It's then we sit and meditate on God's Word. I've gotten my Bible out and prayed scripture when I didn't know what to pray... My point is... pray! Tami has much to praise the Lord for today because of her faithfulness to prayer... Read her words:

Friday: When it Takes Awhile

Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 25:5 (NASB95)I want to close this week of Doses by sharing a bit of encouragement with you regarding a specific prayer being answered in a way far different from anything I would have imagined or initially preferred.

I've shared bits and pieces here and there about our older son and his choice of living a prodigal lifestyle. I can promise you that God has used that situation to teach me a TON about persistent prayer! In 2002, God gave me a promise from Philemon and that promise has been my anchor is a very turbulent storm.

Here's the promise, straight from Philemon 15-16: For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.

On another occasion, the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray for him to be drawn back with cords of love. I had no idea at the time that what I had been instructed to pray was found almost word for word in Hosea 11:4. Truthfully, I had been praying, "Lord, if you need to send a Mac truck to draw Him back to you, that's ok!" God's ways are so much better, aren't they!?

Not long after Christmas, the announcement was made that we were going to be grandparents. Joshua and his girlfriend were pregnant! This was not my plan for the my firstborn son but the Lord began to remind me of the promises and Scriptures He had given me to pray. In January, I revamped my prayer journal ... one specific thing for each person ... no more of this praying for all kinds of things ... I would focus on just one thing for each person this year and base it on a specific Scripture.

I am delighted to tell you that there has been exponential growth in my son; our relationship is stronger than it has been in almost ten years and if I could search the world over, I could not find a more perfect young woman for him! God has used some pretty cool cords of love to draw a young couple to Himself.

I suppose I could reject God's answer to my prayers because it didn't come packaged as I had imagined or I can embrace every ounce of it and enjoy the blessings of a restored and expanded family. God gives us choices.

When answers don't seem to come or if they come in unexpected wrappings, I encourage you to press in to the One who loves you and longs to have a relationship with you. He will give you light for the journey and answers along the way. He desires for us to run this race of life with endurance so that we will become perfectly mature, complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:4). Constant communication with our heavenly Father makes this possible. I encourage you to determine today to make prayer a top priority for all of your days.

From my heart to yours,

Tami

Daily Decisions

You know, the last post I posted about Stephan we were pretty upset because he couldn't seem to get home on time. I guess we felt as if we were being taken advantage of by him and when there is no rule he will follow... then what's a parent to do?

We've already "kicked him out." Not that we wanted to. We felt it was best... Best in the aspect of him learning to be thankful for a house to stay in and around parents who love him. In one of my previous posts, we see where he ended up. He was living with gangsters... After all of that horrible situation, we felt he was safer living with us despite what we were dealing with. Sometimes life is hard and decisions we make are hard. The decisions we do make, I want to make sure it's for his best interest.

It seems that no matter what Stephan goes through, like being kicked out, he is better for a season once things are over. He does seem to learn valuable lessons. He admits openly the things he has learned! Sorrowfully, his season usually only lasts for about one week before he's back doing the same ole stuff.

I knew in my heart that jail was coming. I've known this for sometime. Last week- the time came! He had been driving around with some friends and Stephan threw a beer bottle out the window. A citizen reported them and not long after that phone call, a cop pulled them over, searched the car, and found more beer. All three kids in the car were under age and all three kids went to jail.

We had made our minds up that we were not going to bail him out and we didn't. He was there for two days.

He came home and seemed to have this new attitude! He was set on getting a job and swore up and down that he was finished with pot and drinking!! He put in about 15 job applications that week!

I have to tell you that I've had my hopes built up so many times, only to have those hopes shattered like glass beneath my feet, so I was not emotionally able to believe him. I just couldn't let myself believe it was over.

I loved on him that week. We did some things together. I took him to the animal shelter to get some volunteer forms. I had actually been praying about something like this. Something that Stephan could do, volunteer wise that would help build his self esteem and give him a sense of giving of himself. That always makes him feel good. It was a good week.... It was short lived.

Right now, we are back where we were, but he is home and that's where he is safest...for now. There is just no balance in our life right now. Just no balance... So, we make daily decisions that seem to change as often as the direction of the wind.

When Others Hurt You

If you have a child on drugs, then it's probable that you have felt as if your child, you, or even your own character or parenting ability has been evaluated by many others. You have been critiqued. You've been examined and measured. You've been judged! Ouch, that's such a harsh word...

I think that for most women, it's so easy for us to wear our emotions on our sleeves. When things like this happen, it cuts deep. These types of hurts leave wounds and scars that are not easily healed. Women loose trust in others, especially in other women when they have been hurt. What's worse, is they loose their freedom in finding confidence in others to seek wise counsel or.. just a shoulder to cry on. It's a lonely battle to face alone.

For "a mother"... feeling as if you are being judged because of the actions of your teen leaves you with a "fight or flight" feeling almost. We are protective! We either want to push our child behind us while we duke it out with someone, or we want to snatch our child up into our arms and run to get away from whatever we feel could bring hurt to our child! Now, I would never duke it out with someone, but just for the sake of letting you know how I feel, those words do seem to have the punch I was looking for!

I tell you, the feeling of being judged, critiqued, measured, examined... or even "thinking" we are being judged, especially from ones we know in the Christian community, is a feeling that can bring the most hurt to our hearts. How do you get the feeling that you're being judged? Well, sometimes, it can be things that people say to you or your child. Sometimes, it's a look or a stare. Sometimes, it's someone ignoring you in the grocery store and acting as if you are not even there. Sometimes, it's the way they squint to look at your child, then at you. It's those curious expressions that make you feel as if you are being examined, when truthfully, you really have no idea what they are thinking! I've questioned my paranoia several times! I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just me! At times, it has been me... Other times, it hasn't. Someone has verbalized harsh statements to me and it hurts...it just does.

Sometimes, members of your own family... your own "flesh and blood," can be harsh in their opinions of what you should do or say... or what you "should've" done!! Thankfully, ours have not. They've been mostly hurt themselves by Stephan's choices. They love him and want what's best for him as we do. They want to help, but don't have the slightest idea how. They are in the same situation as we are as far as having a desire to do something or say "just the right thing" to change him or change his mind about his choices! I know myself that only Stephan can do this himself. Stephan allowing Christ to change him from the inside out is his only hope and we can't make that decision for him either.. I pray earnestly for a turning point in his life.

Some of my family members are not even Christians, so why does it seem that they love him unconditionally and do not even understand the unconditional love of God? Why do some Christians that I am surrounded by, who do understand sin, being saved from sin themselves, and who "do" also understand the unconditional love that God gives- not see Stephan as God does?
The verse in Romans 5:8 is coming to mind:
But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


I tell you, I would be lying if I said to you- "Girl, I am suuuch a strong Christian- I have rose above all of this.. yes I have!" I could even say it with a little "tude" and with total confidence in myself! Perhaps a little jerking of the head as I say it with some "tude!" Yeah, that's it!!

The truth is: I am "trying" to rise above. I am seeking God's Word for comfort and understanding. I am asking Him for strength to not ever, ever make someone else feel as I have been made to feel by others. I am learning...

My husband gave the challenge for everyone in our Sunday School class to read all of Psalms 119 before eating lunch yesterday! People usually go to lunch right after church and Psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, so this was a great challenge!! I began my reading in the car after church and at our table as I sat with a bowl of hot chips right in front of me. Psalms 119 is about God's Word! As we read through, we see words like law, testimonies, ways, precepts, statutes, commandments, judgements, and Word. These are all synonyms "for" God's Word in this chapter. This whole chapter describes the importance of God's Word! It is a lengthy celebration of God's Word! The psalmist can not stop praising God for His mercy and goodness in providing His people with instructions for living!! The psalmist has a sincere hunger and thirst for the Word...

As I read through, it spoke to me in many ways. The more I read, I not only was NOT tempted by the hot chips in front of me... I was comforted. I was satisfied as I found myself eating from God's Word.
Verse 9: "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to your Word." Just as I said above, Stephan, or your child, can only cleanse their way if they take heed to God's Word.
In verse 11, it reminded me that I am to hide God's Word in my heart that I might not sin against Him.
Verse 17 asks for God to deal bountifully with us and we may live and keep His Word.
Verse 21, God rebukes the proud.
Verse 22, asks God to remove reproach and contempt from our lives. Right after that in 23, he says that princes have sat and spoke against him, but he meditated on His statutes.. 24, Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors!
28-32, his soul is heavy.. He asks for strength according to God's Word. He desires truth and shows a willingness to follow. He asks God to enlarge his heart!
In 69, the proud forged lies against him. In 70, their hearts are fat as grease. In 78, he asks that the proud be ashamed, for they treated him wrongfully with falsehood, and he will meditate on His Precepts.
80- Let MY heart be blameless regarding Your Statutes, that I may not be ashamed.

If you read on and on through these 176 verses, you can see that the psalmist describes a hostile world that we live in. But in the same breath, he describes a deep desire to remain faithful to God and His Word. He expresses an allegiance to God's Word that he will not abandon, even under pressure! He regularly affirms a delight in God's Word! : )

You would also assume that the people the psalmist is speaking of that bring hurt to him are non- believers. They probably are... But there are verses in scripture that speaks of carnality and immature Christians such as 1 Corinthians 3:1-3: "1 Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?"

I just have to remind myself that perhaps people that I encounter are possibly not in God's Word. Maybe... they are having an "off" day. We all do from time to time. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe "I" am judging someone for their curious expressions, assuming I know what they are thinking! If people I encounter are not seeking God, or are not in His Word, then how can they possibly have the right attitude toward others?

One example, of someone not having a right attitude.. and the only example I'll give is probably a result of a fellow brother not being in God's Word, or just not living it out for this moment, but here it is: Stephan was at church and in the Gatheria with a young girl. This is a girl that we have been praying about. She's a sweet-heart. She and Stephan would make such a good match, although it's not for us to determine. : ) Back peddling a bit, back to the past- Stephan had made a remark a few months ago that he just needed a good girl and that perhaps this "good girl" could encourage him to be better. Well, this is a hole that only Christ can fill, but surrounding himself with people who bring encouragement him and lift him up is- in my opinion, also heading in a positive direction! Anyway, they were together in the Gatheria. Someone walked up to she and Stephan. He was an adult... He spoke to Stephan's friend, Allison. They exchanged some "how are you's." Then, this adult said to her... "I see who you are with!" He said this right in front of Stephan! My heart was broken as Stephan was telling me this... Stephan, said that he told this man this: " I know my life isn't perfect, but I guess you didn't hear Brother Doug's sermon today about love and forgiveness and that all people sin. There are people in this world that only come to church just to say they came. They really don't love God and they are hypocrites. There are also people that come to church and say they love God and treat people mean.. Well, they are hypocrites too!" Then Stephan walked off.... and left them both standing. Stephan was right...! People that say they love God, but treat people mean, I'd have to say is the worst Hypocrite of all...

Now, I do have to say... this is one person out of 1000 that have been nothing but encouraging to Stephan. We have a wonderful church family. I think this particular person saying this really got to me, because he and his wife also have a son that has been/is still on drugs. Shouldn't he have more of an understanding and compassion for Stephan? Like I said, perhaps this was just not his day where he lived out God's Word... Maybe he's struggling in another area and he spoke out of his own frustrations... I don't know...

Well, my conclusions to all of this is:

It doesn't matter what others do or say. What matters most is that I am doing what I need to do for my own life to live according to God's Word and do what pleases Him and do what brings glory to Him. I am praying for my son... There are others praying for him as well. If some people think I am a bad mother or a bad person.. or that my child is... Well, what matters most is what my Heavenly Father knows. He sees into the depth of our hearts. His Holy Spirit resides within me. The only person I am accountable to is Him. The only person I need to please is Him. The source of my guidance and direction- is Him!

What matters- is how "I" respond or how I treat others. I am to also love my enemies and those who may spitefully use me. I have to remember that I am blessed when I am persecuted (Matt. 5:11) As long as I am living, learning, and loving I am pleasing my Father and He will bring blessing to me and my family. As long as He is leading me, then our decisions are between He and us, they are of no consequence to anyone else. I have to place my trust in Him. Not feel fulfillment in pleasing anyone.. but Him. This brings me to a place of perfect peace...

It does hurt to know your child is hurt, especially by someone that you expect to show grace and mercy. I also talked to Stephan about it and told him the man was wrong. I told him I was sorry he was hurt. We talked about the things he said to the man. At the same time, although the man was wrong, I told Stephan that he needs to forgive him. I believe Stephan understood. God has taught me more about grace, mercy and compassion for my own life lately... I am trying to teach that to my son... and that, my friend's... is what matters most.

Making Decisions For "Your" Teen...

I traveled to North Carolina a few weeks ago and was able to meet with a dear friend of mine! I call her my Christian mentor. She and her husband have a son who has been/is still on drugs. They have fought this battle for about 8 years I believe. As she and I were sitting outside talking we were talking about decisions we have made, or are trying to make for our sons. There are many times that people just don't understand why you make certain decisions. You may have family members who say, "Well, if I were you, I'd..." or " "You need too..." You know, it's your child and you know your child better than anyone besides the Holy Spirit of God. Listening to the Holy Spirit is your best bet! Things may not make sense to others as to the decisions you make for your child, and who cares?

I was talking to another friend of mine the other day with a small, nine MONTH old child. She is up at night with her a lot. She still nurses during the night. I could look at that situation and offer advise, because both of mine were sleeping all night at six and eight "weeks" old. What the Lord has taught me over these past few weeks is: Sometimes, situations are different. Children are different... With infants and teens! You just have to do what you feel is best at the time and what you feel is best with your child. I'm not up with my friend every night. I am not suffering from sleep deprivation, she is. She told me that she does what she has to do to get through. You know, that's ok.. it doesn't make her a bad mom or her child behind in some way.

With teenagers, it's much the same. There is no guidebook that shows us a sure-fire way to get your teen to come home five minutes "before" curfew! There's no guidebook that will guarantee that your child will never do drugs! There is not a book titled: How To Raise the Perfect Child. Well, there probably is, but anyway... In reality, they don't come with instructions tattooed on their backs when they're born of how they are individually wired and if something goes wrong... do this! You can't reboot or reprogram them like a computer! It's a day by day challenge of decision making.

I have felt that we have been judged by certain people on how we have done things with our son... One particular person has not even been through this with a child at all. The other person has been through a little with their child, but not even close to the magnitude of what we have been through with ours. I do have a lot of people who tell us that we have done a great job and that Stephan couldn't have had better parents through this! : )

There's also always going to be a battle in your own mind as to whether you are making the right decisions. Trust the one who knows your child best...and guess what? It ain't you! Trust His leading! As my friend and I from NC discussed, each day may be different. You may allow him to be home one day and not the other. Each day can change. It doesn't matter if "man" understands... feel confident that the Holy Spirit does!! My teen is changing everyday and he is challenging us .. everyday!

Holy Spirit rain down... rain down. Let your power fall, let your voice be heard.. Holy Spirit rain down... rain down.

Submission... Just when I think I know what it means... I'm still learning!

I believe I have been learning much more about submission lately. Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God said that our desire would be "for our husbands".. What exactly does that mean anyway?

In talking to myself, I ask the question: "I am a submissive wife.. right?" "Although I think I may be questioning some areas of my life, I think I know what submission is.. but do I fully know and understand?" "Am I surrendering my whole life to God in this area?" "I do know that since my husband is a man of God, he prays, he studies, he seeks after God in all His ways... I know I can trust his leadership, right?" "I know all of this, but do I fully trust his leadership?" "Do I sometimes think I have a better idea?" Yep!....

Ok, back to this desire... In Genesis 3:16 NKJV- God says that my desire shall be "for my husband!" Sounds like every man's dream... but no, this is not what this means at all! If you study the word, "for," it means: That I will now have the tendency to usurp or control my husband. I will have a desire to dominate my husband and in return, his desire will be to become a tyrant over me! It's a terrible web to weave.

I want to tell you, Richard and I have such a great marriage! We partner together in ministry in teaching others how to "have" a healthy marriage, so I have always thought that I had a good understanding of submission. I know that ultimately all decisions made in our family fall upon Richard and I'm good with it! As long as I'm good with it, then I am being obedient to God... right?

You see, I am pretty passive, I'm not temperamental, I am a follower, I'm not forceful and I can easily back down when confrontation occurs. But.... buuuuut.., as with many mothers, when my child is the subject of our confrontation, I have found that I will go to any length to try to protect him, want what "I" feel is the best approach in discipline and I have a deep desire to voice any and all opinions that I may have concerning what I feel is best! What does this accomplish? Richard sleeping on the couch!! In my heart, when I do this, I feel like I'm contributing to "parenting" Stephan, but truthfully, I'm not trusting Richard's decisions or direction he's trying to take involving Stephan! You see, what I'm getting at, is... this submission thing comes real easy to me - until I actually have to practice it!

When women get this whole submission thing wrong and out of order, chaos breaks out in the home! It's a result of sin from thousands of years ago. As I read my footnotes and studied the words "have a desire for my husband," things start making good sense! My desire shall be to control and he will in turn become a tyrant over me! Yes, that pretty much can sum up how it usually turns out!

When a man's leadership is being questioned, he becomes defensive! When I question Richard's motives in parenting- he become defensive! And rightly so! I'm not talking about a disagreement, I'm talking about my words making him feel like a bad father who has not sense at all! It's never my intention, but it feels that way to him. Perhaps I should start a blog called: "Marriage on Drugs!!"
 

In Genesis 2:18, God says that He will make Adam a helper comparable to him. We are to be our husband's helper. Our thoughts and opinions are great and should be appreciated. We do have to choose our words wisely when talking to our husbands as not to try and overstep our bounds or make our husband feel as if he isn't making the right decisions. When we practice this, our husband is not on the defensive and he feels encouraged by us that we trust him and his leadership! This makes him feel as if he can conquer the world... and especially our unruly teen!

Ephesians 5: 22-26 talks about that we as wives are to submit to our own husbands as "unto the Lord." The husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. So, just as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their husbands in everything.
 

We are to pray for our husbands and submit unto them as we would the Lord. We voluntarily choose to submit to our husbands as we would Christ. I used the word voluntarily, because this is a voluntary action on our behalf! We chose to follow Christ, we choose to read God's Word, we choose to live our lives to please God... it's called free will. We also choose to love our husbands and fulfill our wedding vows.. till death do us part! We also have to choose to submit to being the weaker vessel. God already said we were... we have to voluntarily accept it. Does that make us less? Certainly not! I truly believe that the success of a man and how he feels about himself as a person and leader has a lot to do with the commitment of his wife. We have a very important role! I heard a man say this once: "I never believed in myself until I married Sherry. I had always been told that (I couldn't) .. Sherry told me ( I could) and I finally started believing it! I finally had someone that believed in me and I have accomplished more than I ever thought was possible!"

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ does the church... He gives himself for it! He is to sanctify and cleanse us with the washing of water by the Word. (Our husbands are to teach us as wives what he is learning from the scripture. He is to share with us what God is showing him and areas God is leading him in.)

Ladies, if we know and trust that our husbands are hearing from God... we do not need to question what God is doing even if we disagree. Satan will stop at nothing to disrupt the order of our home! We need to be on guard and make sure Satan is not using us to accomplish this!

I say this in all humility... In thinking that my way was better and believing that I was right and how I felt that Richard just hasn't thought this through enough or something... I have found that in the end, I have been terribly wrong after all. When I nag and complain about decisions Richard has made or is making, it almost forces him at times to go against what he is feeling. He "has" gone against his feelings in times past... all because of me... and the result is always chaos! Chaos between he and I and chaos concerning Stephan... It's just not a pretty thing!

The big question that many women still struggle with: "Well, I do believe everything you just said, but WHAT IF I truly feel my husband is making a wrong decision for our teen?"

You pray... You pray for your husband! You pray for God to show "you" how to trust "Him" more... and trust your husbands leadership more. You tell God all your concerns of how your husband is wrong, or you believe he is. That is ok.. God already knows what our hearts are feeling! Then, you let God work! It's an awesome thing... trust me!

Am I being a Safety Net?

Am I a safety net for my child? I think I have been in a lot of ways. I know that I was when they were small. I believe all mothers are. We want to protect them and keep them from harm. We would jump in front of a moving train to protect our child!


One of the hardest things for a parent of teens to experience is letting go and letting your child "make" mistakes! This is how they learn, yes, but no parent wants their child to make huge mistakes! I'd say that most teens get by with a few dumb choices, maybe a wrecked car. Some teens, you ground them.. or take whatever disciplinary actions you deem is necessary and they begin walking the straight and narrow once again! : ) When you have a child as rebellious as mine, the rules change a bit. When the diciplinary actions of extreme measure are no longer effective, things take on a whole new twist!


I was e-mailing a friend of mine the other day who's son has also been through what Stephan is going through and is not quite out of the woods yet. She said that the Lord spoke to her one day as she was on her way to the "eye doctor" of all places! What she said in this e-mail, was what the Lord had been speaking to me about. I hadn't put it into words yet, but as I read this e-mail, I didn't have too, she did! This is what she wrote:


"I was driving to an eye appointment recently (very ironic that it was an eye appointment!) and as I drove by the school where I used to take Joshua for college classes, I commented to the Lord about how he has squandered so many opportunities. Immediately, the Holy Spirit reminded me that many, many years ago He had told me that He was removing Joshua's 'safety nets' so his faith would become his own. I remembered that vividly, but the next statement came as a shock. It wasn't a rebuke ... just information ... He said, "And you are his biggest safety net of all!" I had never seen myself as a 'safety net' because I'm his mother. I'm not sure what that all means, but I asked the Holy Spirit to show me how to (not) be a safety net. After I got back home ... my vision was definitely improved in more than one way ... : ) I pulled out an old prayer journal and found exactly what God had shown me in 2001. I was driving down the road and the vision was as clear as day. It was as if I 'saw' a match being struck and put to the foundation of his 'house.' I begged God for a little more time to instill truth in Him and God gave me almost another year. Here's what I wrote in response to the 'vision' ... I didn't even remember that God had given it to me. It was if He were saying it.

 This has to be
 before he can serve
 and go where I've called him to go.
 The foundation will stand
 anchored and sure,
 but the rest must be burned away
 revealing the depth of his need for Me.
 No other way to fill
 not friends, not things, nor drugs, nor drink ... only My perfect self.
 The real Joshu is there anchored and sure-
 no longer a run-away slave.
 Parted from you for a little while, but remember He's forever mine.
 God, you showed me these words several years ago

in a vision that darkened my soul.

 I begged you for days, which You graciously gave.
 But now is his time ... Don't delay!
 Use him, my Abba, for Your way it true.

I can trust You, yes, to the end.

 Draw him back with cords of love
 held by the Master's hand.

When my friend, mentioned "that God was removing Joshua's safety nets, so his faith could become his own," in the above e-mail. It hit me like a ton of bricks... it was conformation to what I had been feeling! Stephan is experiencing his "Street World" for many more reasons that I may realise. Her poem mentioned that "this has to be before he can serve and go to where I've called him too."  God had been speaking to me about this letting go process.. Stephan is anchored in the truths of God. Stephan knows Him...

What my friend said, perfectly described how I feel about what God is doing in Stephan's life. God is allowing Stephan to go through these things so his faith "can" become his own!

Stephan  was here for two days and he went out with a friend (an ok kid who lives with his grandparents.) We had started to allow him some freedoms and especially since this kid was our pastor's grandson! Anyway, he didn't come home at curfew, so... I went to the garage at 11:10 and got a tent and a sleeping bag and left it on the porch for him if he returned... then we went to bed! We told him if he misses curfew, he can't come in. He called the next day and said he feel asleep which is why he didn't come home or call.... ok, um, yeah...

We told him that he has so much trust to earn back- that we don't want him spending the night with anyone right now. The no drug, no alcohol rules to be able to have a place to stay applies everywhere! I told him that we would be forced by him to take him back to where he was last staying! I feel that he believes we will.  We have before! 

 I feel that for his faith to become his own, we have to be firm in our decisions as to our expectations of him living in our home. When he can't live here by his own choice, he will have no choice! Perhaps what he is learning out here in this street world of his will give him these reason's for choosing to serve God. 

From his own mouth: He 'has' learned that he doesn't want to live that way, but... it took us *letting* him live it.. to learn it!  I feel like if we provide somewhere for him to fall back on, this safety net, so to speak, it makes our rules or boundaries seem like a joke, which doesn't create a secure environment for him here.  It may only delay what the Lord may be doing. I just want to do our part.. and I will fervently pray protection over him daily in the meantime!

There hasn't been any drugs as we know of lately. He will be here as long as he wants to abide by the rules.  We've gone to look for him a car with him. He wants a full time job. We've talked to him about college again..  We will see what takes place in the days to come...  The choices are definately his...

 

The Prodigal- Wanting to Return Home

About a week ago, Richard and I were asleep. It was around midnight when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it only to find my Stephan on the other end repeating over and over, "You've got to come get me, it's crazy here! You GOTTA come get me!!!" He was sober. Part of me wanted to jump in the car immediately, because I knew the craziness he was talking about was the Bloods.. A gang that he was living with. You can run your fingernails down a chalkboard and the sound of hearing "the bloods" has the same effect on me. Although I wanted to run to the rescue, the other part of me hesitated. I asked him where he was and he told me. I felt that he may be in danger, which made me very nervous. We gave. It was a true safety concern at this point. We got in the car and drove by the house where he was and there was no sign of him! We didn't want to stop, because there were scary people outside and I can't say that we felt very comfortable even slowing down much to look for him! You see, Richard had a gun and I was told to lay in the backseat of the truck and not to show my head for any reason! We drove around the block and parked... waiting.. watching. We drove by once more and still, no sign of him. My heart was pounding. We drove through street after street trying to find him with no luck. We figured that he was in route to our house. Still.. no signs, so we decided to drive home! No sign of him! While we were there we went back in the house and looked at the caller ID and got the number that Stephan called us from. We were still very hesitant to call it, not knowing who would be on the other end of the line. Did they know Stephan was leaving? Did they care? Would he be in trouble with them if we called? Is he gagged and tied up in the trunk of a car? Has his body been thrown off a bridge? We decided to continue looking, so we drove back into town, but we went the back way, thinking he may have wanted to seem inconspicuous walking the other way, again... no luck!

We drove back by this same house very slowly. I'm still hunkered down. Richard stuffed the gun in his pants and told me he was going to go ask these people if they'd seen Stephan. I can't tell you that I've ever felt I might pee my pants, but I did that night. I actually feared for all of our lives! We drove back by and stopped in front of the driveway for an easier get away. Richard got out... Oh, how nerve racking! What was a two minute conversation seemed like a half an hour. I had no idea what I was going to do if they attacked my husband... no idea. Richard made it back to the truck and my anxieties began to fade the farther we drove away from that house!

The people said that Stephan left on foot and pointed in the direction he went. We searched again with no luck in finding him! We decided to finally call this number. It was a woman. She said that Stephan was at the house where we had just been no less than 20 minutes ago. She must live there too. When we drove back to the same house and he was out front. He had been beaten up by someone inside and he was drunk, although just a few hours ago when he called us in the middle of the night he was sober! I was so relieved that we found him and that he was ok, but the sound of his drunken voice was now beginning to disgust me- now that I knew he was alive! Now that we were ALL alive!!! Oh, the emotions we go through! We let him in our vehicle. As we drove, not knowing at this point we were even taking him home, he began to tell us about the guy beating him up and it scared us. We decided to give him a safe place to stay for the night. I have to say there was no use in talking with him that night. Talking to a drunk is like talking to a deaf person that can't read lips! We talked with him the next morning about him being sober when he called us and then drunk when we finally found him. He said after the guy beat him up, he got drunk! We asked him why of course, but its the same ole, same ole, lame excuses and lingo.... oh good grief. Help me Lord.

Richard and I had already told him weeks ago that he could not live in our home if he continued abusing drugs or alcohol. When your child has just been beaten up by The Bloods and you risked your life saving him, decisions are not easy to make friends, but Richard decided to take him back... yes, you heard me!  That was an extremely difficult decision to make as parents. We love him!! We want him well! We also can not provide a soft landing place for him to land every time he messes up! Richard decided to take him back to prove that we were not kidding about the rules of living in our home. Thinking of him with these people one more day was almost too much for me to bear. Taking him back was too much for me to bear. We made the decision together and prayed it would be an effective one.

Long story short, Stephan was with these people for yet another day. At midnight the very next night we get another call!! It is Stephan asking us if he can come home again! He "was" sober and he said that he had gotten beaten up again. The next visit to The Bloods wasn't quite as adventurous as the last, but this time when we picked him up, he was... still sober...! His ear was bleeding, he had been struck in the head and the side... He said that he "never wanted to go back there and that they were all crazy! He said he does not want to live with them or.. be like them! He said he wanted to follow our rules and live at home." I guess the "street world" wasn't what he chalked it up to be after all.

This is the first time we have ever heard him actually say these words about wanting to be home. Was this a turning point? Has he had enough of his "street world" as he put it in one of my previous posts? Still, as a mother, I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have to keep my guards up. My guards protect me from another let down. Yes, it's come to this...  If I abstain from feeling anything "hopeful" I will be ok...  I truly hate feeling this way, but he has so much trust to earn back. I feel that it will take quite a while.

The next day, I washed his sheets and cleaned his room for him as a nice surprise. Plus, I was also being a little deceitful. I wanted him to sleep on fresh, clean sheets in a nice clean room, so he would be glad to be in the comforts of home, hoping that it would make him more grateful to be "able" to be there.

Stephan's attitude toward me has changed I've noticed. I'm not sure why. It's like he loves me more, although I have been more firm with him. He hugs me more and longer as if he really wants a hug. He seems to respect me more. Perhaps he's missed me..  Perhaps he's realized how much I love him.

He seems to have learned something.  For now, I don't know what all that could be, but I do know that God is teaching me how to love him through this.

I suppose we'll see. I don't trust him. I hate to say it...

God grant me peace and give me strength for each new day....

It was a "God" Day!

We live in Alabama. Our house was within 10 miles of this torrential streak of tornadoes that ripped across our state with an unrelenting fury! Our power was out for five days... We only suffered inconvenience! A short distance from here, towns, houses and cars are shredded and scattered for miles! Richard and I drove through several devastated areas. It was so upsetting, the sights I saw literally caused me to be sick when we arrived back into town...

After the five days passed and our power was back on, I turned my heart toward helping those in need. I had made plans with my friend, Terri to go to the CCC, load a truck full of food and drive it to a town nearby for the people there. I prayed as I was getting myself ready that morning of how much I wish Stephan could go with me and what an awesome opportunity this could be for him to be able to go and for him to see what had just happened in the lives of people around him. I thought that it might spark something from inside of him.. something good. Maybe a chance to see how privileged he is and how fortunate he is to have a family who loves and cares for him and the fact he has a home! As you know, he abandoned his home about a month ago, unwilling to live according to our rules or to live within the boundaries set before him. He left...selfishly seeking what "he" thought to be freedom.

As I was preparing to leave the house, I set the house alarm, opened the door and shut it back, then I heard the phone ringing inside. I thought it might be Terri, so I ran back in and grabbed the phone and turned the alarm back off! To my surprise, it was Stephan!!! He wanted to know if I'd come pick him up. I told him where I was headed and asked him if he wanted to go.. he said, "Yes!"  I thanked God all the way to my car and all the way to where he was! It was like, Boom, answered prayer!! Oh, how I began praying for what lied ahead of us that day and how I prayed for Stephan's heart to be opened, moved, touched, something! Maybe helping others would in turn, give him a sense of purpose and direction for his own life.

I picked him up at a gas station. We went to meet Terri, drove to the CCC, loaded up and headed West! With a GPS and written directions, we got lost! It was a "God-thing" that we got lost. As we drove through an area of total devastation, the three of us were in awe of what were seeing. I began to tear up as I saw people pilfering through the rubbish that they once called home. It was heart breaking. We were trying to find the Fire Department, but wound up at a site where some one's house "used to be." Terri had went to a camper on site to see if we were at the right place. As Stephan and I waited, we saw a woman. We began talking to her and discovered that the house that was now- no more than a concrete slab- belonged to her son. She explained that it took him five years to build his house. You could hear the pain in her voice as she spoke. I told her that I was so sorry and that my heart was breaking for her. I began to ask her if she needed anything and she mentioned a few things. I told her that we had new pillows... When she mentioned that she could definitely use some, Stephan, Terri and I walked to the truck and got the things she needed. We were also able to get things for her neighbor who had a baby. As we were saying our good byes and began to leave, Stephan threw up his hand as to wave at the woman and said, "God bless ya'll!" I knew God was working for those words to pass his lips...

We finally made it to the Fire Dept. where Stephan helped us unload everything! Terri had offered to make homemade laundry detergent and bring five gallons back Saturday.. although she was coordinating a wedding that day as well! She was also inquiring about other area and what types of help they needed. When we got back into town, Terri and I were talking to the CCC director about the things we saw, people we spoke too, that our delivery was successful, etc. Stephan was incredibly impressed with my friend Terri. When we left, he said, "Mom, is she always like that?" I looked at him and said, "like what?" He said, "just so willing to help no matter what she has going on in her own life and like she wants to jump in and save the world!" I said, "Well, yes, actually she is always like that!" He was like, "wow.."  He said, "Well, I guess 'I' did a good deed today."  I said, "Yes, you certainly did..."  I could tell that God was working inside of him and that Stephan was glad that he went. We talked a little more about what we saw that day and how close we came to it being us! I told him that no matter what we could do, it just didn't seem like enough, because there were so many people hurting and so many people with needs. I told him I was glad we were able to touch one family... and we were able to help in a small way with the food for the community. He agreed...

I had gotten three gallon sized zip-loc bags from church the previous Wednesday. Each bag had a label on the outside listing things to buy. It was toiletry items for the tornado victims. When we arrived back into town, we went to two stores to buy the things we needed. Stephan earnestly helped pick out the items... and never complained once!

As we drove home he began telling me about living in the "corporate" world. Now, I was totally unsure of what this term meant! He explained that people living in the corporate world were people trying to "live the American dream, people that wanted to go to college and pushed themselves to be more." He said that he wanted to learn the "street world." Well, the words, "street" and "world" combined into a compound word scare this mama to death! He said that he was teaching the people he was "hangin" with how to live in the corporate world. He explained that they do not know how to communicate or how to interview for jobs or anything... they just "thug it" day by day. Meaning: They do whatever it takes to make what money they need for that day and that day alone... and they do it everyday! He said, "I don't wanna live that way!"  I tried to watch what I said- as we had made so much progress this day already. I said, "Then how "do" you want to live?"  He said, he wanted to live in the corporate world, but he wanted to learn about both worlds, so he could understand lots of people, how people think and how to relate to different people. He said he wanted to be a well-rounded person!
He said... "I need to know how to be able to talk to all kinds of people in case I'm a preacher one day!"

I was internally, utterly, not hardly able to contain my happiness... speechless! I was trying not to seem too overwhelmingly ecstatic. With Stephan, sometimes agreeing with him when he verbalizes an idea of such wondrous magnitude, then pushing his own idea upon him causes instant rebellion on his part and he wants to turn the conversation completely in the opposite direction. I simply smiled and said,  "Well that could certainly happen!"  That was the right thing to say...  It was enough to where the idea still hung inside his mind and nothing snatched it away! --although I secretly didn't want him "thugin" it with the thugs to teach them a thing or two... Help me Jesus!

I will have to say... we had a very "God" day and I pray for many other "God" days just like this : )  Just being able to step outside of himself and help someone else did so much for him. It caused him to "think" about a lot of things. Seeing the light of Christ through my friend Terri caused him to look inside himself for the same qualities. Qualities that one can only possess by allowing Christ to live within you and through you...

Our day ended by me taking Stephan back to his "street world." Oh, you don't know how hard that was. I never imagined I could ever do such a thing and think it was best for my child... for the time being anyway. I see this "street world" as evil, but also, as I place my trust in God, I see it as a refiners fire... God is going to use that boy one day! The Father is breaking him down, gently churning his heart, taking out all the impurities and is in the process of molding Stephan into who He has created him to be... for His Glory!

My favorite scripture verse is coming to mind and I'll end by posting it... It seems to be so fitting for my hearts cry for my son. It lets me know that God has Stephan's best interest in mind. It gives me hope. It also seems so fitting in a way that displays God's love for His children.. His love for Stephan. God does have a plan for his future and God... knows the path that will take him there...

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."