The Prodigal- Wanting to Return Home

About a week ago, Richard and I were asleep. It was around midnight when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it only to find my Stephan on the other end repeating over and over, "You've got to come get me, it's crazy here! You GOTTA come get me!!!" He was sober. Part of me wanted to jump in the car immediately, because I knew the craziness he was talking about was the Bloods.. A gang that he was living with. You can run your fingernails down a chalkboard and the sound of hearing "the bloods" has the same effect on me. Although I wanted to run to the rescue, the other part of me hesitated. I asked him where he was and he told me. I felt that he may be in danger, which made me very nervous. We gave. It was a true safety concern at this point. We got in the car and drove by the house where he was and there was no sign of him! We didn't want to stop, because there were scary people outside and I can't say that we felt very comfortable even slowing down much to look for him! You see, Richard had a gun and I was told to lay in the backseat of the truck and not to show my head for any reason! We drove around the block and parked... waiting.. watching. We drove by once more and still, no sign of him. My heart was pounding. We drove through street after street trying to find him with no luck. We figured that he was in route to our house. Still.. no signs, so we decided to drive home! No sign of him! While we were there we went back in the house and looked at the caller ID and got the number that Stephan called us from. We were still very hesitant to call it, not knowing who would be on the other end of the line. Did they know Stephan was leaving? Did they care? Would he be in trouble with them if we called? Is he gagged and tied up in the trunk of a car? Has his body been thrown off a bridge? We decided to continue looking, so we drove back into town, but we went the back way, thinking he may have wanted to seem inconspicuous walking the other way, again... no luck!

We drove back by this same house very slowly. I'm still hunkered down. Richard stuffed the gun in his pants and told me he was going to go ask these people if they'd seen Stephan. I can't tell you that I've ever felt I might pee my pants, but I did that night. I actually feared for all of our lives! We drove back by and stopped in front of the driveway for an easier get away. Richard got out... Oh, how nerve racking! What was a two minute conversation seemed like a half an hour. I had no idea what I was going to do if they attacked my husband... no idea. Richard made it back to the truck and my anxieties began to fade the farther we drove away from that house!

The people said that Stephan left on foot and pointed in the direction he went. We searched again with no luck in finding him! We decided to finally call this number. It was a woman. She said that Stephan was at the house where we had just been no less than 20 minutes ago. She must live there too. When we drove back to the same house and he was out front. He had been beaten up by someone inside and he was drunk, although just a few hours ago when he called us in the middle of the night he was sober! I was so relieved that we found him and that he was ok, but the sound of his drunken voice was now beginning to disgust me- now that I knew he was alive! Now that we were ALL alive!!! Oh, the emotions we go through! We let him in our vehicle. As we drove, not knowing at this point we were even taking him home, he began to tell us about the guy beating him up and it scared us. We decided to give him a safe place to stay for the night. I have to say there was no use in talking with him that night. Talking to a drunk is like talking to a deaf person that can't read lips! We talked with him the next morning about him being sober when he called us and then drunk when we finally found him. He said after the guy beat him up, he got drunk! We asked him why of course, but its the same ole, same ole, lame excuses and lingo.... oh good grief. Help me Lord.

Richard and I had already told him weeks ago that he could not live in our home if he continued abusing drugs or alcohol. When your child has just been beaten up by The Bloods and you risked your life saving him, decisions are not easy to make friends, but Richard decided to take him back... yes, you heard me!  That was an extremely difficult decision to make as parents. We love him!! We want him well! We also can not provide a soft landing place for him to land every time he messes up! Richard decided to take him back to prove that we were not kidding about the rules of living in our home. Thinking of him with these people one more day was almost too much for me to bear. Taking him back was too much for me to bear. We made the decision together and prayed it would be an effective one.

Long story short, Stephan was with these people for yet another day. At midnight the very next night we get another call!! It is Stephan asking us if he can come home again! He "was" sober and he said that he had gotten beaten up again. The next visit to The Bloods wasn't quite as adventurous as the last, but this time when we picked him up, he was... still sober...! His ear was bleeding, he had been struck in the head and the side... He said that he "never wanted to go back there and that they were all crazy! He said he does not want to live with them or.. be like them! He said he wanted to follow our rules and live at home." I guess the "street world" wasn't what he chalked it up to be after all.

This is the first time we have ever heard him actually say these words about wanting to be home. Was this a turning point? Has he had enough of his "street world" as he put it in one of my previous posts? Still, as a mother, I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have to keep my guards up. My guards protect me from another let down. Yes, it's come to this...  If I abstain from feeling anything "hopeful" I will be ok...  I truly hate feeling this way, but he has so much trust to earn back. I feel that it will take quite a while.

The next day, I washed his sheets and cleaned his room for him as a nice surprise. Plus, I was also being a little deceitful. I wanted him to sleep on fresh, clean sheets in a nice clean room, so he would be glad to be in the comforts of home, hoping that it would make him more grateful to be "able" to be there.

Stephan's attitude toward me has changed I've noticed. I'm not sure why. It's like he loves me more, although I have been more firm with him. He hugs me more and longer as if he really wants a hug. He seems to respect me more. Perhaps he's missed me..  Perhaps he's realized how much I love him.

He seems to have learned something.  For now, I don't know what all that could be, but I do know that God is teaching me how to love him through this.

I suppose we'll see. I don't trust him. I hate to say it...

God grant me peace and give me strength for each new day....