Am I being a Safety Net?

Am I a safety net for my child? I think I have been in a lot of ways. I know that I was when they were small. I believe all mothers are. We want to protect them and keep them from harm. We would jump in front of a moving train to protect our child!


One of the hardest things for a parent of teens to experience is letting go and letting your child "make" mistakes! This is how they learn, yes, but no parent wants their child to make huge mistakes! I'd say that most teens get by with a few dumb choices, maybe a wrecked car. Some teens, you ground them.. or take whatever disciplinary actions you deem is necessary and they begin walking the straight and narrow once again! : ) When you have a child as rebellious as mine, the rules change a bit. When the diciplinary actions of extreme measure are no longer effective, things take on a whole new twist!


I was e-mailing a friend of mine the other day who's son has also been through what Stephan is going through and is not quite out of the woods yet. She said that the Lord spoke to her one day as she was on her way to the "eye doctor" of all places! What she said in this e-mail, was what the Lord had been speaking to me about. I hadn't put it into words yet, but as I read this e-mail, I didn't have too, she did! This is what she wrote:


"I was driving to an eye appointment recently (very ironic that it was an eye appointment!) and as I drove by the school where I used to take Joshua for college classes, I commented to the Lord about how he has squandered so many opportunities. Immediately, the Holy Spirit reminded me that many, many years ago He had told me that He was removing Joshua's 'safety nets' so his faith would become his own. I remembered that vividly, but the next statement came as a shock. It wasn't a rebuke ... just information ... He said, "And you are his biggest safety net of all!" I had never seen myself as a 'safety net' because I'm his mother. I'm not sure what that all means, but I asked the Holy Spirit to show me how to (not) be a safety net. After I got back home ... my vision was definitely improved in more than one way ... : ) I pulled out an old prayer journal and found exactly what God had shown me in 2001. I was driving down the road and the vision was as clear as day. It was as if I 'saw' a match being struck and put to the foundation of his 'house.' I begged God for a little more time to instill truth in Him and God gave me almost another year. Here's what I wrote in response to the 'vision' ... I didn't even remember that God had given it to me. It was if He were saying it.

 This has to be
 before he can serve
 and go where I've called him to go.
 The foundation will stand
 anchored and sure,
 but the rest must be burned away
 revealing the depth of his need for Me.
 No other way to fill
 not friends, not things, nor drugs, nor drink ... only My perfect self.
 The real Joshu is there anchored and sure-
 no longer a run-away slave.
 Parted from you for a little while, but remember He's forever mine.
 God, you showed me these words several years ago

in a vision that darkened my soul.

 I begged you for days, which You graciously gave.
 But now is his time ... Don't delay!
 Use him, my Abba, for Your way it true.

I can trust You, yes, to the end.

 Draw him back with cords of love
 held by the Master's hand.

When my friend, mentioned "that God was removing Joshua's safety nets, so his faith could become his own," in the above e-mail. It hit me like a ton of bricks... it was conformation to what I had been feeling! Stephan is experiencing his "Street World" for many more reasons that I may realise. Her poem mentioned that "this has to be before he can serve and go to where I've called him too."  God had been speaking to me about this letting go process.. Stephan is anchored in the truths of God. Stephan knows Him...

What my friend said, perfectly described how I feel about what God is doing in Stephan's life. God is allowing Stephan to go through these things so his faith "can" become his own!

Stephan  was here for two days and he went out with a friend (an ok kid who lives with his grandparents.) We had started to allow him some freedoms and especially since this kid was our pastor's grandson! Anyway, he didn't come home at curfew, so... I went to the garage at 11:10 and got a tent and a sleeping bag and left it on the porch for him if he returned... then we went to bed! We told him if he misses curfew, he can't come in. He called the next day and said he feel asleep which is why he didn't come home or call.... ok, um, yeah...

We told him that he has so much trust to earn back- that we don't want him spending the night with anyone right now. The no drug, no alcohol rules to be able to have a place to stay applies everywhere! I told him that we would be forced by him to take him back to where he was last staying! I feel that he believes we will.  We have before! 

 I feel that for his faith to become his own, we have to be firm in our decisions as to our expectations of him living in our home. When he can't live here by his own choice, he will have no choice! Perhaps what he is learning out here in this street world of his will give him these reason's for choosing to serve God. 

From his own mouth: He 'has' learned that he doesn't want to live that way, but... it took us *letting* him live it.. to learn it!  I feel like if we provide somewhere for him to fall back on, this safety net, so to speak, it makes our rules or boundaries seem like a joke, which doesn't create a secure environment for him here.  It may only delay what the Lord may be doing. I just want to do our part.. and I will fervently pray protection over him daily in the meantime!

There hasn't been any drugs as we know of lately. He will be here as long as he wants to abide by the rules.  We've gone to look for him a car with him. He wants a full time job. We've talked to him about college again..  We will see what takes place in the days to come...  The choices are definately his...

 

The Prodigal- Wanting to Return Home

About a week ago, Richard and I were asleep. It was around midnight when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it only to find my Stephan on the other end repeating over and over, "You've got to come get me, it's crazy here! You GOTTA come get me!!!" He was sober. Part of me wanted to jump in the car immediately, because I knew the craziness he was talking about was the Bloods.. A gang that he was living with. You can run your fingernails down a chalkboard and the sound of hearing "the bloods" has the same effect on me. Although I wanted to run to the rescue, the other part of me hesitated. I asked him where he was and he told me. I felt that he may be in danger, which made me very nervous. We gave. It was a true safety concern at this point. We got in the car and drove by the house where he was and there was no sign of him! We didn't want to stop, because there were scary people outside and I can't say that we felt very comfortable even slowing down much to look for him! You see, Richard had a gun and I was told to lay in the backseat of the truck and not to show my head for any reason! We drove around the block and parked... waiting.. watching. We drove by once more and still, no sign of him. My heart was pounding. We drove through street after street trying to find him with no luck. We figured that he was in route to our house. Still.. no signs, so we decided to drive home! No sign of him! While we were there we went back in the house and looked at the caller ID and got the number that Stephan called us from. We were still very hesitant to call it, not knowing who would be on the other end of the line. Did they know Stephan was leaving? Did they care? Would he be in trouble with them if we called? Is he gagged and tied up in the trunk of a car? Has his body been thrown off a bridge? We decided to continue looking, so we drove back into town, but we went the back way, thinking he may have wanted to seem inconspicuous walking the other way, again... no luck!

We drove back by this same house very slowly. I'm still hunkered down. Richard stuffed the gun in his pants and told me he was going to go ask these people if they'd seen Stephan. I can't tell you that I've ever felt I might pee my pants, but I did that night. I actually feared for all of our lives! We drove back by and stopped in front of the driveway for an easier get away. Richard got out... Oh, how nerve racking! What was a two minute conversation seemed like a half an hour. I had no idea what I was going to do if they attacked my husband... no idea. Richard made it back to the truck and my anxieties began to fade the farther we drove away from that house!

The people said that Stephan left on foot and pointed in the direction he went. We searched again with no luck in finding him! We decided to finally call this number. It was a woman. She said that Stephan was at the house where we had just been no less than 20 minutes ago. She must live there too. When we drove back to the same house and he was out front. He had been beaten up by someone inside and he was drunk, although just a few hours ago when he called us in the middle of the night he was sober! I was so relieved that we found him and that he was ok, but the sound of his drunken voice was now beginning to disgust me- now that I knew he was alive! Now that we were ALL alive!!! Oh, the emotions we go through! We let him in our vehicle. As we drove, not knowing at this point we were even taking him home, he began to tell us about the guy beating him up and it scared us. We decided to give him a safe place to stay for the night. I have to say there was no use in talking with him that night. Talking to a drunk is like talking to a deaf person that can't read lips! We talked with him the next morning about him being sober when he called us and then drunk when we finally found him. He said after the guy beat him up, he got drunk! We asked him why of course, but its the same ole, same ole, lame excuses and lingo.... oh good grief. Help me Lord.

Richard and I had already told him weeks ago that he could not live in our home if he continued abusing drugs or alcohol. When your child has just been beaten up by The Bloods and you risked your life saving him, decisions are not easy to make friends, but Richard decided to take him back... yes, you heard me!  That was an extremely difficult decision to make as parents. We love him!! We want him well! We also can not provide a soft landing place for him to land every time he messes up! Richard decided to take him back to prove that we were not kidding about the rules of living in our home. Thinking of him with these people one more day was almost too much for me to bear. Taking him back was too much for me to bear. We made the decision together and prayed it would be an effective one.

Long story short, Stephan was with these people for yet another day. At midnight the very next night we get another call!! It is Stephan asking us if he can come home again! He "was" sober and he said that he had gotten beaten up again. The next visit to The Bloods wasn't quite as adventurous as the last, but this time when we picked him up, he was... still sober...! His ear was bleeding, he had been struck in the head and the side... He said that he "never wanted to go back there and that they were all crazy! He said he does not want to live with them or.. be like them! He said he wanted to follow our rules and live at home." I guess the "street world" wasn't what he chalked it up to be after all.

This is the first time we have ever heard him actually say these words about wanting to be home. Was this a turning point? Has he had enough of his "street world" as he put it in one of my previous posts? Still, as a mother, I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have to keep my guards up. My guards protect me from another let down. Yes, it's come to this...  If I abstain from feeling anything "hopeful" I will be ok...  I truly hate feeling this way, but he has so much trust to earn back. I feel that it will take quite a while.

The next day, I washed his sheets and cleaned his room for him as a nice surprise. Plus, I was also being a little deceitful. I wanted him to sleep on fresh, clean sheets in a nice clean room, so he would be glad to be in the comforts of home, hoping that it would make him more grateful to be "able" to be there.

Stephan's attitude toward me has changed I've noticed. I'm not sure why. It's like he loves me more, although I have been more firm with him. He hugs me more and longer as if he really wants a hug. He seems to respect me more. Perhaps he's missed me..  Perhaps he's realized how much I love him.

He seems to have learned something.  For now, I don't know what all that could be, but I do know that God is teaching me how to love him through this.

I suppose we'll see. I don't trust him. I hate to say it...

God grant me peace and give me strength for each new day....

It was a "God" Day!

We live in Alabama. Our house was within 10 miles of this torrential streak of tornadoes that ripped across our state with an unrelenting fury! Our power was out for five days... We only suffered inconvenience! A short distance from here, towns, houses and cars are shredded and scattered for miles! Richard and I drove through several devastated areas. It was so upsetting, the sights I saw literally caused me to be sick when we arrived back into town...

After the five days passed and our power was back on, I turned my heart toward helping those in need. I had made plans with my friend, Terri to go to the CCC, load a truck full of food and drive it to a town nearby for the people there. I prayed as I was getting myself ready that morning of how much I wish Stephan could go with me and what an awesome opportunity this could be for him to be able to go and for him to see what had just happened in the lives of people around him. I thought that it might spark something from inside of him.. something good. Maybe a chance to see how privileged he is and how fortunate he is to have a family who loves and cares for him and the fact he has a home! As you know, he abandoned his home about a month ago, unwilling to live according to our rules or to live within the boundaries set before him. He left...selfishly seeking what "he" thought to be freedom.

As I was preparing to leave the house, I set the house alarm, opened the door and shut it back, then I heard the phone ringing inside. I thought it might be Terri, so I ran back in and grabbed the phone and turned the alarm back off! To my surprise, it was Stephan!!! He wanted to know if I'd come pick him up. I told him where I was headed and asked him if he wanted to go.. he said, "Yes!"  I thanked God all the way to my car and all the way to where he was! It was like, Boom, answered prayer!! Oh, how I began praying for what lied ahead of us that day and how I prayed for Stephan's heart to be opened, moved, touched, something! Maybe helping others would in turn, give him a sense of purpose and direction for his own life.

I picked him up at a gas station. We went to meet Terri, drove to the CCC, loaded up and headed West! With a GPS and written directions, we got lost! It was a "God-thing" that we got lost. As we drove through an area of total devastation, the three of us were in awe of what were seeing. I began to tear up as I saw people pilfering through the rubbish that they once called home. It was heart breaking. We were trying to find the Fire Department, but wound up at a site where some one's house "used to be." Terri had went to a camper on site to see if we were at the right place. As Stephan and I waited, we saw a woman. We began talking to her and discovered that the house that was now- no more than a concrete slab- belonged to her son. She explained that it took him five years to build his house. You could hear the pain in her voice as she spoke. I told her that I was so sorry and that my heart was breaking for her. I began to ask her if she needed anything and she mentioned a few things. I told her that we had new pillows... When she mentioned that she could definitely use some, Stephan, Terri and I walked to the truck and got the things she needed. We were also able to get things for her neighbor who had a baby. As we were saying our good byes and began to leave, Stephan threw up his hand as to wave at the woman and said, "God bless ya'll!" I knew God was working for those words to pass his lips...

We finally made it to the Fire Dept. where Stephan helped us unload everything! Terri had offered to make homemade laundry detergent and bring five gallons back Saturday.. although she was coordinating a wedding that day as well! She was also inquiring about other area and what types of help they needed. When we got back into town, Terri and I were talking to the CCC director about the things we saw, people we spoke too, that our delivery was successful, etc. Stephan was incredibly impressed with my friend Terri. When we left, he said, "Mom, is she always like that?" I looked at him and said, "like what?" He said, "just so willing to help no matter what she has going on in her own life and like she wants to jump in and save the world!" I said, "Well, yes, actually she is always like that!" He was like, "wow.."  He said, "Well, I guess 'I' did a good deed today."  I said, "Yes, you certainly did..."  I could tell that God was working inside of him and that Stephan was glad that he went. We talked a little more about what we saw that day and how close we came to it being us! I told him that no matter what we could do, it just didn't seem like enough, because there were so many people hurting and so many people with needs. I told him I was glad we were able to touch one family... and we were able to help in a small way with the food for the community. He agreed...

I had gotten three gallon sized zip-loc bags from church the previous Wednesday. Each bag had a label on the outside listing things to buy. It was toiletry items for the tornado victims. When we arrived back into town, we went to two stores to buy the things we needed. Stephan earnestly helped pick out the items... and never complained once!

As we drove home he began telling me about living in the "corporate" world. Now, I was totally unsure of what this term meant! He explained that people living in the corporate world were people trying to "live the American dream, people that wanted to go to college and pushed themselves to be more." He said that he wanted to learn the "street world." Well, the words, "street" and "world" combined into a compound word scare this mama to death! He said that he was teaching the people he was "hangin" with how to live in the corporate world. He explained that they do not know how to communicate or how to interview for jobs or anything... they just "thug it" day by day. Meaning: They do whatever it takes to make what money they need for that day and that day alone... and they do it everyday! He said, "I don't wanna live that way!"  I tried to watch what I said- as we had made so much progress this day already. I said, "Then how "do" you want to live?"  He said, he wanted to live in the corporate world, but he wanted to learn about both worlds, so he could understand lots of people, how people think and how to relate to different people. He said he wanted to be a well-rounded person!
He said... "I need to know how to be able to talk to all kinds of people in case I'm a preacher one day!"

I was internally, utterly, not hardly able to contain my happiness... speechless! I was trying not to seem too overwhelmingly ecstatic. With Stephan, sometimes agreeing with him when he verbalizes an idea of such wondrous magnitude, then pushing his own idea upon him causes instant rebellion on his part and he wants to turn the conversation completely in the opposite direction. I simply smiled and said,  "Well that could certainly happen!"  That was the right thing to say...  It was enough to where the idea still hung inside his mind and nothing snatched it away! --although I secretly didn't want him "thugin" it with the thugs to teach them a thing or two... Help me Jesus!

I will have to say... we had a very "God" day and I pray for many other "God" days just like this : )  Just being able to step outside of himself and help someone else did so much for him. It caused him to "think" about a lot of things. Seeing the light of Christ through my friend Terri caused him to look inside himself for the same qualities. Qualities that one can only possess by allowing Christ to live within you and through you...

Our day ended by me taking Stephan back to his "street world." Oh, you don't know how hard that was. I never imagined I could ever do such a thing and think it was best for my child... for the time being anyway. I see this "street world" as evil, but also, as I place my trust in God, I see it as a refiners fire... God is going to use that boy one day! The Father is breaking him down, gently churning his heart, taking out all the impurities and is in the process of molding Stephan into who He has created him to be... for His Glory!

My favorite scripture verse is coming to mind and I'll end by posting it... It seems to be so fitting for my hearts cry for my son. It lets me know that God has Stephan's best interest in mind. It gives me hope. It also seems so fitting in a way that displays God's love for His children.. His love for Stephan. God does have a plan for his future and God... knows the path that will take him there...

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Praying for Repentance

Stephan is still living on his own. He still hasn't got a car. There is a hold up on his title, so we are not able to complete things with the insurance company as far as getting the check for his car. He calls regularly wanting to do some odd jobs for money. We have let him, but today, my husband drew another line. We can't continually allow him to work for us. He must get a job. He's put in three applications, but no luck. Richard told him that he wouldn't allow him to work today. We feel as if it is allowing him to postpone some real hard core choices that he must make for himself! It hurts not to help, but we can not enable him either.

We've had our security alarm activated on our house... We just can't trust him. Not right now. I tell you, nothing hurts a mother's heart more than a wayward child. I love him so much, but can't assist him in any way that will help him in this situation he has chosen for himself!

Richard and I discussed the Prodigal Son once again yesterday. The son was repentant when he returned. Every time Stephan comes to our home, something breaks! He broke the windshield in my Richard's truck with a basketball when he came for a visit. He broke the water hose nozzle. He lost the spring out of the weed eater Saturday. They searched and searched and could not find it. Richard recognizes the enemy when he sees him.

Richard was praying for Stephan out in the yard while he was looking for the spring the next day. As soon as he said the words, "the prodigal son was repentant, but Stephan is not," he found the spring! It was like it was God's way of showing him that our prodigal might be on our property, but he has not returned and he is not repentant!

Oh, how I pray for a repentant son... God speak to him. Allow him to know you are there. Allow him to see your hand. May it be unmistakable! Lord, keep him safe.... Protect him from himself.