Living Life

I guess one thing I did learn from Stephan being in Rehab was the three C's.. (I didn't Cause his drug addiction, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it!) I spent the better part of our first year, that I discovered he was using, searching for where I'd gone wrong as a parent. I'd ask myself questions like: "Did I pay more attention to his brother?" "Was there some traumatic childhood incidence that caused him to turn to drugs?" "Is he using because I sent him to public school in the 4th grade?" "Did I encourage him enough and make him feel important and smart?"

The answers to all my questions didn't help me. I'm not a perfect parent, but I really felt that I was an ok mom. I was loving, I protected them, I cared for and nurtured them. I tucked them in every night. Oh, but I did make frequent mistakes! I yelled at them at times. I know I punished them too harshly sometimes, but other times, I probably didn't punish them enough!!haha!

Even through the mistakes, both my boys know that both Richard and I love them to pieces! They both had individual attention! We spent time doing activities that they both enjoyed. We went to lots of fun places and our photo albums are now full of pictures displaying all the places we went. We've prayed with our boys, we talk to our boys. Richard ruined a really good pair of leather shoes one very, rainy afternoon. He had just gotten home from work, I heard all this laughing, so I looked outside and caught all three of them running through a ditch full of water just splashing up a storm! When I confronted Richard about his shoes- He said, "AH, they make more!" I just had to laugh! He was right about that and the fun they had was worth a pair of leather shoes!

Stephan did go from Homeschool to public school, then we moved to another state and he was in a different public school. The year after that, he went to Middle School... He seemed to adjust very well. I've asked him about changing schools so many times and that never seems to be an issue! I think he enjoyed making new friends!

When you are in the first stages of dealing with addiction with someone you love, you do go back and try and find "something" that caused it. When you can't really come up with anything, you just can't seem to move forward... You begin this battle within yourself to get to the "root cause" of it! You then start looking around and begin thinking about different scenarios and wondering things like: Why is it so easy to understand that kids growing up in a drug infested home or in an abusive home wind up on drugs! It's easy to understand how a seemingly troubled, reclusive child winds up on drugs sometimes. How about a child who's mother is an exotic dancer and is gone all night, every night. The child is left to take care of himself and his little sister, because his mother is still sleeping when they head off to school. How about a child who is introduced to Marijuana by his father?
Well, I know some kids that have grown up in these exact type of environments and the last thing they would ever think of doing is drugs!! At the same time, I know some kids who have grown up in these environments who do wind up on drugs! Do I think that it is more "likely" for a child growing up in a bad environment to do drugs? That is possible, because it could be more available to them... but not always probable. How about a child growing up in a Christian home? Will he wind up on drugs? It could be less probable... but also very possible!

I think that if a parent does his and her best to raise up a child in the way he/she could go, then you have done everything to the best of your ability to see that your child has all the tools necessary to live their life to its fullest potential! Your child knows right from wrong and the choices they should make, because it has been taught to them. They have had direction and guidance! A parent must "parent." When one doesn't parent, a child is left with no direction at all. You never go wrong doing the right things, that I am sure of!

What if you are the parent that I was talking about earlier? What if you don't feel you have "parented?" What if you've made really big mistakes that you can't erase? I know this... It's never to late to get things right! It's never too late to go to your child and tell them you need help and you'd like to ask for their forgiveness. It's never too late to take them along with you on the journey to "healing." Take your entire family! An awesome place to start is going to a local Bible Believing Church. Just go... sit on the back row if you want. That's where we started! Begin to pray and read God's Word at home. Let God work in your heart and life! Let Him help you through this.
I would also like to say that if you are a mom and you are in an abusive situation for you or your children... Get Out! You know, God doesn't want anyone to be battered or sexually assaulted! This is not His plan for your life! His plan is for you to be safe- even if that means seeking shelter from a family member or a women's home. His plan is for your abuser to come to Him for healing as well, but if the abuser refuses, there is nothing you can do. You must get away from this situation for the safety of yourself and for your children!


So, in any situation, the cold hard fact is- No matter where a child comes from, good environment or bad, it all started with a choice! They chose it, it did not choose them! If you are a parent who feels that it is your fault- STOP- Now is the time for you to assist your child in getting well. Now begins the process of finally admitting your child is an addict!

Once you admit that to yourself, you begin to live in whole new world. You realize you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! Your child chose it, your child controls it and only.. can your child begin to have the desire to want to cure it.

How do you assist them? You pray, you set boundaries and consequences. You seek help for yourself, you talk to someone, you go to Al-Alon meetings, you learn about enabling and how not to be an enabler, you love your child, you warn them about possible future consequences if things don't change. You offer to help them get help- If they want it, awesome, if they don't, they are not willing to change. You have to realize you can not change them. You will wear yourself out physically and mentally trying to think you can do something to change them!

I have come to the realization that they only way to keep my son from drugs or from anyone doing drugs is to duck tape his hands and feet together and lock him in a room so he can't use and he can't escape us. I know, this is horrible- ...or is it? At least he would be safe! There's been times I've wanted too. Stephan's ran away and Richard has chased him down in the truck and Richard can not physically get him in the truck, so duck tape may be a last resort for us! Am I willing to do this? No... Like I've said before, we can tell him to stay home, we can take the phone out of his room, we can disconnect our phone, so that we can't receive calls!! If he wants to leave, he will leave- and he does! He'll go somewhere else to use a phone! We have lost control of him! At times, I just can't believe we have no control... This is why I questioned my parenting skills in the beginning! Loosing control of a teen means you did or are doing something wrong- right? No... it does not! It means your child is defying all the rules because they want too.
But, but... if we had been a little harder on them, our teen would know they should respect us more! OR - If we "weren't" so hard on our teen, then they would respect us more... Yes, that's it!
Friends, we can't go there! Again, your teen is using because they want to use...
Don't wear yourself out...

I titled this post "Living Life, " because that's what we have to keep on doing. We have to get past playing the Blame Game and seek help for ourselves, which in turn, helps our child...
It seems selfish to think about at first, but let me also tell you, seeking help for yourself is not a selfish act and it is not "giving up" on your child! It was soooo hard for me to let go of this control I felt I should have when it came to Stephan's drug use. I thought that if I tried to control his every move, then eventually he would listen and quit! This is how I wore myself out! I'd try to control him by telling him what he could do and what he couldn't- then he'd leave- I'd feel like a failure- I'd feel like Richard should have done something else! Oh goodness, It was like we were in the movie Ground Hog Day! Living the same day over and over again! But, I honestly felt like giving up control was giving up on him. I had to get to the point to where I realized how ridiculous this was to repeat this process over and over with no results. Richard always says: Doing the same things over and over expecting different results is insanity! I think we must have been insane...

Stephan's got to figure this thing out. He has our love and support. We had a wonderful talk with him yesterday afternoon! It was probably an hour long conversation! He knows all the right things to do. He knows what he should do. He just won't do them...

So, in trying to "Live Life," Richard and I are trying to focus on our marriage and we are earnestly praying for Stephan. We prayed together last night and it was really, really good.... We will do anything in this world to help our son.. anything!

The only thing about that is--


He's has to let us...

Ephesians 1:17-19

Ephesians 1:17-19 ~That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power...


Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday. We've only talked to him a few times and seen him twice. Today is "Tuesday"... and he came home at 1:00 this morning! If it were not for the wires on his teeth and the worry that causes us, I'm not sure that Richard would have let him in. We love him so much, but we don't want to enable! We don't give him money, his car has been parked in our garage for months... we do feed him, clothe him, and give him a safe place to stay when he does comes home. I told someone the other day that there is no possible way to keep him here unless you duck tape his hands and feet together and lock him up somewhere! He runs away... There is no convincing him to do the right thing! This.. is the life of an addict!

Last night, he walked in.... and.... he- had- cut- the- wires -OFF -of -his teeth!!! We were supposed to get them off Feb. 6th! I just covered my face with my hands in pure shock saying, "oh, my gosh, oh my gosh! I remember breathing through my fingers!
(For anyone reading this, not understanding what I'm talking about, you'll have to go back a few posts to where Stephan's jaw was broken in four places and he had to have his teeth wired shut.)

I had to let that sink in! ....Dr. D had already told us that when someone walks in to have the wires removed and they have already "been" removed, he sends them on their way kicking their backside on their way out the door and tells them to take it up with God! All I said to Richard when I gained my composure was that I was NOT taking him back to Dr. D alone! You see, Stephan has to have surgery to have screws removed from his head! This is what the wires were attached too! I guess, by law, Dr. D will have to remove the screws!
Oh, I am still in shock I think!!!!!

My prayer for Stephan today is the above verse.... I have prayed for God to give my children wisdom and knowledge since they were babies. The Bible says to ask for it and it will be given to you! I also believe that Stephan is the one who needs to ask at this point. I understand that if he does, and I hope it's one day soon that his eyes will be opened and he will understand the hope of his calling. I've always told Stephan that God has got mighty plans for his life! I told him that I feel like Satan knows this too, which is why he tries so hard to prevent God's plan from unfolding! I hope that one day soon, Stephan will open his heart to God and let Him begin a good work in him! When that happens, Stephan will experience God's magnificent power like never before!

I'm just gonna keep on praying...

The Glass Box

When you are the loved one of someone on drugs, you suffer... Oh, friend how I understand this suffering!

I know for me, if I were to describe how a parent feels as they watch a child wander aimlessly through life on drugs, the scene that plays over and over inside my heart and mind, it would probably look something like this~

The Glass Box- Christel W.

I am standing on the outside of this doorless, windowless, giant, glass box and I am looking in at my son who is inside. I see him in there... There he is, living a life of total self-destruction and because there are no doors or even windows that I could crawl into, I can't enter to rescue him. Because it is made of glass, it is completely soundproof. He can't hear anything outside of this world he lives in, because he's closed himself inside. The enemies are there, they are inside with him! One is the demon alcohol, and the rest of them are the demons of drugs. They are dancing all around him, nagging and biting at him, compelling him to take another pill and drink a little more. They are relentless! They are taunting him with lies about pleasure and escape from the cares of the world! I watch him befriend these ugly, powerful, strongholds that have swallowed him into a life of addiction! I see the darkness of their eyes and their gripping, serrated claws, but he can not! They grasp him even tighter. They are very convincing... Now that they have him in their clutches, they wrap themselves around his shoulders appearing to be kind and gentle, insisting that they are his best friends and that no one loves him as much as they do! He buys into their lies and as he does, they grow more and more powerful as they begin to gain his trust. I know all too well that their goal is to destroy my son's life and they will stop at nothing to do so.

On the outside, I'm standing there, trying to get my son's attention away from these beasts by frantically pounding the glass with my fists until my hands are aching, bruised and swollen from the constant beating. As I see the deception going on inside, I scream at the top of my lungs. My voice becomes raspy and hoarse as I realize ...that my son cannot hear me! I am in a desperate race to try and get his attention away from these torturous enemies! "Can they see me?" Oh yes, you better believe they see me... and will do anything in their power to distract my son's attention away from me!

Oh, finally!! My son sees me and pleasantly smiles back at me with a smile as if he were strolling through a field of wild flowers or something!! He's totally blinded, having no idea -what- so- ever- that he is being served as the main course on his enemies menu! He waves at me- very nonchalantly, as if to say, "Hi Mom!" He seems glad to see me! Now that his eyes are finally fixed upon me, I have to keep his attention! I wave my arms back and forth, making these silent pleas for him not to dare take his eyes off of me! You see, I have located one thing on the inside of this glass prison that is his only hope! This is the one and only thing that these enemies of his want to keep hidden from his sight, the one and only thing they can't touch and the one and only thing I want him to find! It's a "Lifehammer," the ONLY thing that "would" or even "could" break through this glass world in a single blow! It's the one and only thing that would also destroy his enemies at his feet and would expose their wickedness for what it really is! Oh, but they are very clever you see, they have placed blinders over his eyes. He thinks these blinders were a gift, but they are in the form of a really nice pair of sunglasses!! In reality, they were custom made especially for him and his weaknesses, so that he wouldn't be able to see their motives or any plans they have for him. These enemies have worked very hard to gain his loyalty...

I thought to myself, my son trusts "me!" I KNOW he does! I also know that he can see me! The blinders prevented him from seeing his enemies evil, abominable, malicious, wicked schemes. I also know that they are blinding him to the truth, but in a effort to get through to him, I point to his enemies, then I place my hands around my own throat as if I were choking myself, then I point back to his enemies, then to him! He looks at me as if he were confused.... I repeat this process over and over until he realizes what I'm saying! I see him turn to look at them in disbelief. They walk up to his side as if to partner with him against me. They are ruthless in persuading him again that they are his "only" friends and the "only" ones he should listen too. I can't believe it, but my son is satisfied... He looks back at me and shakes his head as if to say, "no." To my horror, I know that he doesn't believe me! In an intense attempt to save his life, I point to the "Life Hammer." He finally sees it! "Oh, thank you God," I think to myself! I showed him, using my hands how to apply the Lifehammer to the glass to break it and break free from his enemies! He looked at me as if I were crazy! I point back at his enemies and yell slowly- (although he can't hear me I pray he can make out what I'm trying to tell him)- I yell, "They.. will.. kill.. you!" He is still not convinced....

I close my eyes and darkness surrounds me. My neck is no longer strong enough to support the weight of my head that now aches from frustration and anxiety. I feel warm tears stream down my face... I feel weak in the knees... I feel faint... As I begin to fall to the ground below, my now, bloody hands cause the glass to cry these high pitched, shrieking noises of nothing but sheer pain and agony... Finally, I am on my knees. I begin to pray to Jesus Christ, the "Lifehammer," the one who sent me, the One who stands and knocks on the doors of all our hearts. I prayed for the life of my son... I prayed that his eyes would soon be opened and his ears will begin to hear! I prayed that he will begin to see through the lies of his enemies. I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that I was able to share the truth with him. I was able to warn him! Most importantly, my son knows the Lifehammer is there with him... He can be saved!

I know that my prayers will never come back void. I trust in the One who can pierce through the darkest, coldest heart, or through any circumstance. I trust that God hears my prayers as I come before Him with my petitions for my son. After all, God loves him more than I do! God is good... He is a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him. Oh, how I long for my son to place his trust in Him.

I'm still standing on the outside of this horrible, Glass Box of Addiction waiting...

I realize that my son may never hear "my" voice. I know that when he grows weary and tired; when he realizes he's on a road that leads to nowhere, when he gets his heart broken a few more times and never can seem to find true love and when he learns that all these promises of the enemy were in fact all lies... Then at that time, he may take the Lifehammer into his hands, break free and find true love that will never leave nor forsake him. Love that will help him find his way out of the darkness and into marvelous light...


Then, and only then, will he be free...

Friends, bondage is a bunch of lies from the enemy, which puts us "on" that road that leads to nowhere. It leads to the inside this horrible, Glass Box, so that we remain ineffective for Christ.

Freedom is "life in Christ" and that, my friends, is the road that leads to anywhere!

It's life abundant.
It's life with fulfilment.
It's life with purpose.
It's life with direction.
...It's life worth living.


Oh, how I pray that my son will grab onto the "Lifehammer" and break free from these chains that the enemy is using to keep him in bondage inside this Glass Box of his... My son is still in there.

I pray that when he does take it into his hands and glass shatters all around him, that he is overcome of how much he is loved by the Father...

I know that my heart will be overjoyed...

I will rejoice for answered prayer as my son comes running back into my arms...

Until then...

I remain faithfully His... and I remain...

on my knees... pleading for him to take it and break free.

Praying Scripture-

My husband and I pray for Stephan every day, but we have decided that we need to fast as well... Today as I prayed over him, I decided to pray scripture. I've done this in the past, but I've never wrote down what I prayed... As I sat at my kitchen table, I opened up to the book of Psalms and began reading. I began to personalise my prayer adding Stephan's name and adding detail to my prayer as I prayed and read from the Word. I have felt God's presence with me all day. I know that He is at work in the life of my son.

A little of what I prayed today:


Psalm 6:1-10

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled; But You, O LORD--how long?

Return, O LORD, deliver Stephan from the hands of the enemy! Oh, save him for Your mercies' sake! For if he were to die, in death there is no remembrance of You. In the grave who will give You thanks? If you spare him and if you protect his going out and coming in... If you protect him from even himself and the drugs he is doing, then perhaps one day you will receive much glory for the things you have brought him "through..." Praise be unto You, The Lord God Almighty!

I pray Lord God that he will come to trust you soon. Father, I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim. I wake up crying some mornings in fear that harm may come upon my son. I drench my couch and my sleeves with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief at times; It grows old because of the enemy, Satan, and all the people Stephan calls friends who are not. I ask that these friends depart from him, all those who work iniquity. I don't want any harm to come to them. I simply desire for them to be either- saved themselves or that their friendship will fade away because a friendship like they have is not fruitful for either of them!

God I thank you for hearing the voice of my weeping.

I thank you for hearing my supplications and for receiving my prayer.

Let Stephan be ashamed and greatly troubled because of his sin; Let him turn back and be ashamed suddenly today because of the lifestyle he is choosing to live. Allow him to know that you are a God of mercy and forgiveness. Let him "not" be ashamed to come before you, knowing of your great love for him. Do let him be shameful because of his sin, which causes him to come to You, but in knowing your love, let him come boldly before you with the knowledge that Jesus died for all of his sin, so that he can feel shame no more... and he would begin to live life with You as his guide. Lord, in this, he would truly live!

Psalm 5:11- Let Stephan rejoice as he puts his trust in You! Let him ever shout for joy, because You defend him! Let him love Your name as he grows to love You more and may he experience great joy in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; you will bestow favor upon him. You will surround him and protect him as with a shield.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Stronger For It

Since my last post, my heart is not quite as heavy. There's a song that I've been reminded of this week. It's called, Stronger For It. Part of the chorus is, "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak, I'm stronger for it..."

I didn't like that song when I first heard it many years ago. I thought, "Who wants to 'ask' to be blind or lame?" Isn't that a dangerous prayer? Through these past three years, that song resonates in my mind, especially during the times I want to give up. I have even sang it during worship at our church, now that I know what it truly means.

About a month ago, well, it's actually been off and on during the course of these three years, but the feelings of oppression and desperation have weighed me down tremendously, especially during this last month... I remind myself that it's the enemy all the time! He begins to whisper sweet "nothings" into my ears, telling me lies that feed my greatest insecurities. He knows where he can get us! He knows our weak spots. He knows what to say to rip us to shreds and do the damage that hurts us the most. He tries to defeat and destroy us. If he can pin us to the ground and we don't put up a fight, then he wins. Two weeks or so ago, I wanted to lay down on the ground and not move -or- crawl inside the littlest hole I could find, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and shut out the entire world! I wanted to call our music minister and tell him that I need to take a sabbatical from choir, praise team and singing solo. I wanted to take a trip to Tennessee all by myself and just get away from all humans that I know! I was in the depths of despair. In the movie, Anne of Green Gables, Marilla Cuthburt says, "To despair is to turn your back on God!" You know... there may be some truth in that!

Stephan is still living here with his jaws wired shut! The plan in the beginning was that he lived here and did not leave our side. As I mentioned before, if he were to throw up- he could die! He agreed. You know, I really did know better than to even make him agree to it... I'd hoped different of course, thinking that "surely" he won't leave under these circumstances.... surely this situation will force him to demonstrate that there is some type of logical activity going on inside that cute brain of his! Nope... !

I think the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak were these events: On top of what we've been through already, he left with his "friends" against my will one day. He and I were going to go put in job applications and I was ready to leave. His friends are on their way to come get him and I told him to call them and tell him not to come, that he's going with me. I'm standing there in the hallway, compelling him to stay and go with me! I reminded him that going with me could be a very good decision that he could make that could redirect the course of his future; he smiles and leaves.

 

He stayed out all night and got drunk! - My worst nightmare of him dying could have came true that night! Do you think I slept any during this leave of absence? Being his jaws are wired shut, he came back home and there was another day he left and I didn't even know it! I guess I was cleaning. He did leave me a note on the bar that day- that was respectful! Or at least, more than I used to get. He also snuck out in the middle of the night one night as well. Oh help me!

 

Some time back, we had an alarm installed on his door upstairs. There was alarms already on the windows. Somehow he figured out if he opened his door once and let the system beep, then leave the door cracked the alarm would not go off and we would possibly not hear the beep  Also, when we would go to check on him before bed, we weren't noticing that the door was cracked. We were listening for an alarm, not a beep and he found his way around that too! He's lied, lied, lied....

 

I over heard two conversations of his lately that I feel like the Lord allowed me to hear. I was at the right place at the right time. What I heard was that it appears Stephan is dealing some.... I also overheard him telling a friend that he would look for stuff to sell around our house!! OH- OOOHHH! You gotta be kidding?? Richard was pretty upset and had a pretty healthy conversation with him that night! Basically, he told him while we are waiting for these wires to come off his teeth - if anything at all turns up missing at our home, then he will have to live elsewhere and take care of himself WITH his jaws wired shut! Richard asked him if he had a way of pureeing foods etc. He replied, "no.." The wires come off Feb. 6th and I have a feeling when he's recovered from the surgery to have them removed, he will not be living here. We will have to ask him to leave again.

I try not to let Stephan's hang-ups or habits effect my emotional state and especially my spiritual state. I try not to let it mess up my ability to be a good mom or an encourager. Being an addicts mother is extremely hard emotionally, I have to say! Being spiritually minded at all times when you are dealing with an addict is also hard! I see my child self-destructing before my eyes and I feel that we've done everything possible to help him, yet I still feel this sense of desperation for his healing and hopelessness that he doesn't want healing or restoration and there is nothing I can do to help him! I also know that it's not my job. I'm not the Holy Spirit, nor can I make his decisions for him. Every moment of my day I know that Christ is one who is going to make all the difference in the world for him and that gives me great hope if in fact someday... one day... hopefully soon he turns back to Him! I have hope in Christ. He stands at the door and knocks, but watching Stephan -time and time again- turn away and shut the door hurts my heart "again and again." I keep waiting. I keep watching for any sign of hope. This can be an agonizing process my friends. There are all these questions during the waiting process.... What if he doesn't get with it and get a job? What if he's caught shoplifting again? What if he goes to jail again? What if he's in a wreck again? What if he winds up in the hospital in ICU again? What if he.. dies? OH GOD, please protect him. Protect him from even himself!

He went to church with us last Sunday, can you believe it? He said that it depressed him. I told him that I knew what he meant and that this type of "depression" wasn't a bad thing. I told him I felt that he was convicted, not depressed. He told me, "Yeah, of course I was, that's why I don't like going!" I told him in the kindest voice I knew of that conviction does hurt. It hurts everyone! It hurts me! It also lets you know personally, that the Holy Spirit is inside you and has been since you asked Christ into your life! The Holy Spirit leads us and convicts us of sin in our lives. That's a good thing. All my Stephan could see is the hurt inside him, not seeing that taking Christ's yoke upon him is easy or that His burden is light! Stephan sees all the changes that need to be made in his life and he sees this as an overwhelming accomplishment! What he fails to realize is that he would have to give his life to receive it. Until he does this, Christ can't work! Christ makes all the difference and the changes within us, not we ourselves! He transforms us by the renewing of our minds. Old things pass away and all things become new. Our desires change, our habits change, things that were once "fun" don't seem fun at all anymore! Once he turns back to Christ and only when he does, is when these changes can begin. It's only by the power of God that we become a new creation that has no desire to live in the flesh, but in the spirit!

So, as heavy as my heart has been, my strength has been renewed these past few weeks. I have been in the Word even more -that has given me comfort! My prayers have been for Stephan, but also for me... I don't want to be oppressed by the enemy, so my prayers have been for God to help me not want to give in or give up. That's what the enemy desires anyway! I read in Psalms about David singing praises unto the Lord. David made mistakes, he sinned, he also fell upon his face in repentance. God forgives... David was a man after God's own heart even in times of trial and persecution! God rescued him from peril when he offered up praise and thanksgiving.

He glorified and exalted God for his reign and the protection that only God provides. Through prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God, David's life was continually being re-routed to look to God and to trust him in times of oppression. That's how I want my life to be. I don't want to give up and give in. I don't want to be "pinned." I want to be a fighter!

I have truly learned to trust God more and to praise him during the times when my circumstances get me down. I've learned that when you don't feel like praying- pray! When you don't feel like ministering- minister! When you don't feel like being in the Word- Read! When you feel like pulling away from everything and everyone- Host a table at a women's event where your job is to meet and greet people! Well... that's what I'm doing tonight : ) Had to throw that in for fun!

So Lord, when storms of life pass over me and the winds are raging out of control. Let me not be in despair and turn away from You or my life's purposes. Let my heart be so in tune with Yours that you.... "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak............

I am made stronger for it... By the way, this song was the next song that I sung at church. If you'd read my last post you heard my heart. Never have the words to this song ever been so true. It was so hard walking out on that stage again, but I made my mind up that I wasn't going to listen to Satan's lies and I was not going to be defeated. I think there were many hearts in tune with mine that morning as they heard my heart through song as they knew the battle I was fighting.

Bless you my friends,

Christel

Moving Out and Moving In

About three weeks ago, Stephan moved out with two friends of his. Stephan had money in his account that we've kept for him for some time so he didn't blow it. Plus, it's in there for insurance for his car when that rolls around again- although he's not even driving his car... Richard has told him that we'd discuss his car when he was 19. With the habits he has, we don't want this to be wreck #4 and have something terrible happen to him. Now, could he be in someone else's car and something happen? Yes, but it wouldn't be because we didn't try and protect him.

Back to the move: He wanted money for the deposit and we let him have it from his account! Richard said, "the faster he runs through every dime he has -the better!" I agreed... It really has come to this.

Stephan still has no job, neither did the two other boys... (yes, you can chuckle!) I know, I know- renting a place to live with two others who are jobless too. There is nothing left to do but shake your head. He is so dead set on getting out of here and I hate to say it, but things are calm around here when he's not here. I need to do an article about "Marriage on Drugs!" I think I've mentioned that before. The stress and strain that this can cause is astronomical sometimes.

We decided that if he wants to do this with no job, no car.. then go for it! Doing things the hard way with absolutely no logic behind any decision is the way Stephan operates and the only way he learns, so, yes, go for it! Maybe, just maybe.. he will learn that you can't pay rent with no job, but that's just mom talking! What do I know?

There is nothing we haven't tried with him. So, letting him have some of his money is just another tactic that we're trying. Week 2: Rent is due again. They are paying it bi-weekly. Two of the boys now have a job... BUT... it's the type of job that you actually have to get up out of bed for to be able to get in line at the facility and wait to see if you get to work that day or not... It's a CD packaging company that only takes a certain number of workers each day depending on how many shipments they have. When you sleep till 11:30 it's kind of hard to get in line, but that's just mom talking again. Again... Whadda I know?

So, guess what happened? Stephan knows he has more money... $212.00 to be exact. It's nearing Christmas and we are getting ready to head out of state to see family. Stephan decides not to go. We leave without him... I left a check for the remaining amount of all the money he had in the world! I told him to cash it the next day because the bank would be closed on Saturday.

I get a call in NC on "Saturday" from Stephan wanting to know where he can get this check cashed! I sighed.... I reminded him of what I said about cashing it on Friday! He wanted us to wire him some money... we refused. Long story short... he had to wait until Monday... he was hungry... he was penniless, but that's his problem. It's a learning experience!

Stephan wound up paying the second weeks rent as well. Now he really is penniless! Did that inspire him to look for a job? Somewhat! He put in two applications on line here when he came to visit and he went to meet with a manager of McDonalds, but he still does not have a job. At this point his friends owe him money... they still can't get up in time to go to work.

Week 3: Beer, drugs, girls... or maybe not in that order. Stephan was also caught stealing in Wal-Mart. He had stuffed a foot long sub down his pants. My friend, Lisa, who is on the management team there caught him. We'd already warned her that we thought he was stealing there... and he was caught! They did not prosecute, because it was under a certain dollar amount.

The next few days after this, Stephan was walking through the mall parking lot and was attacked by two guys in a car. They pulled up and accused Stephan of shooting them a straight finger. Stephan said he did not. They pointed at a car and told him he was driving that car when he did it! Stephan said he wasn't driving that car, that it wasn't even his car and he wasn't even driving any car, his friends had let him out! Plus, he told them that he wasn't even riding with anyone who drove that car! His friends drove another car! The guy slapped him. Stephan began to defend himself and was holding his own. Then another guy got out and hit him in the face twice!!

Stephan called us. We took him to the hospital to find out that his jaw was in fact broken and in four places! Richard has talked to authorities and creditable people here in town for advice and we have decided to press charges.

After Stephan moving out and everything- I secretly wanted him to come back home with his broken jaw, but I also thought that this is just another lesson he has to endure. I made up my mind that he would come to us about coming home. He did! We needed to get him to an oral surgeon. It was right before Christmas and both Doctors we were referred too were out of town- even the one on call! Yes, you heard me right! The doc assured me that his bones would be fine until the next Tuesday, but not let him chew anything and give him pain meds that the ER prescribed until then!

Stephan left again with a broken jaw, but after a week, finally asked if he could come home. He said he can't eat and he wanted to be home. I knew he couldn't eat! I worried over that so... You can't imagine how much! We told him he could and told him how it was going to be and he agreed for what that was worth. I know in my heart that I can't trust him... but I'm not going to let him starve. I want to take care of him! Who knows if all this didn't happen to protect him from something else? I don't know...

I took him to get all his stuff! I walked in this broken down trailer and there were at least 5 cases of beer! Stephan is so OCD when it comes to cleanliness and I honestly don't know how he was surviving there? Of course, when he's high, he doesn't care.

A nervousness came all over me... I almost started to cry, but I didn't. The beer, the broken jaw, just Stephan's lifestyle, the filth and nasty clothes all over the place- it all came crashing down upon me again and I felt so numb and hopeless all over again. BUT, I was glad I was taking him from this place.   

Tuesday came... I called to make the appointment for the consultation, they asked about our insurance and she made the appointment for that day! He went to the appointment and then we discovered that they don't except our insurance during the visit! I was pretty upset! When the lady asked about our insurance earlier that morning and I told her our carrier, she should have never made the appt. if they don't except it!!!! She should have told me!

So... we spent the better part of the day making phone calls to our insurance Co. and to Oral surgeons trying to find someone who would take our insurance. Finally, we did, but it meant "another" consultation on another day!

As I am making soups and stews and pureeing them for Stephan to eat, we wait.... I know that his teeth are probably going to have to be wired shut and I began to have nightmares. I woke up two nights in a row drenched in sweat, crying! One night I dreamed Stephan refused to go to the appointment and I was pleading with him, screaming and crying, begging him to go. The other night, I dreamed he had to throw up with his teeth wired shut and he was choking!

The emotional toll this is taking on me is effecting even my subconscious and it's just almost unbearable at times.

On top of this, I got a call the other day that my first cousin, Suzanne had OD'd and was on life support. Mama called and I almost just had to tell her that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was in no shape for more bad news. My pain levels were already skyrocketing. I am so glad that my cousin miraculously pulled through. The death of our friend's son has really affected me as well. There's so much in life I don't understand. I have a couple of good friends I talk too, but I'm careful. I don't offer too much information. Everybody has at least one good friend you know? I want people to pray, I don't want my son the focus of any gossip. I also have trust issues with women... They just talk too dang much! I am one and can admit this! I'm the only woman I know who can keep a secret if I'm asked too! God and my husband are the only ones who know my innermost feelings... well, and you reading this... I don't know you which makes it easy to express myself. I'm hoping I am making a difference by helping someone through their pain as I write to release mine...

I have felt myself drawing away from people lately and wanting to draw away from ministry! I feel overwhelmed and like I need a retreat. We have Family Ties and people need us on a regular basis. I have choir, which is one thing, but praise team which is another. Plus, my solo's. I feel overwhelmed at times. I don't want to be defeated, yet I am feeling this way! I want to remain strong and although I am knocked down. I want to get up again!

I have kept going for three years even while our whole church knows of what was going on with Stephan. The church knew, because we had to get up in front of our whole congregation one Wednesday night and speak about it Stephan selling Marijuana at church! I haven't wrote about it, I don't think. Stephan did, he brought it to church and sold it to two boys, our pastor's grandson and another boy. Someone saw and told. At first the police were involved. Secondly, the deacon's were involved trying to decide if they were pressing charges or not. Our pastor, Doug and his wife, Katy had disciple us. Our families were close. Their grandson had almost become a part of our family-like our third son.

I can't forget it, Richard, Stephan and I were basically coming up front along with our pastor and his wife and grandson. The other family as well. We were coming to confess- since it was a public offense and to talk about what happened. The police were involved, so to prevent here say, we didn't have a choice. Stephan refused to go with us. I was also already a nervous, pitiful wreck. I kept telling myself that only like 350 people would be there, not the usual thousand...so it would be easier! NO! Not at all. I felt nauseous heading to church that Wednesday night. Stephan had taken off on foot and ran away and we had to leave! Walking into that place and down the isle that night wouldn't have been any easier if I had came to church naked. It was that bad. My friend, Tammy embraced me once I made it all the way to the front row. Our pastor spoke first with Katy asking forgiveness and for prayer for all involved. Their grandson made a video that everyone watched asking forgiveness as well. The other family didn't come.. not sure why, so that meant we were next. I'd been on that stage singing many times, but facing the crowd that night was one of the hardest and humiliating things I've ever done. As Richard spoke, I let out a wail of a cry... I couldn't hold it back any longer. Richard was crying as well. Somewhere off in the distance, a lady was wailing with me. As much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I felt a support- in a cry of sympathy. Afterward, we were greeted with love. People who had been in our situation. Some people simply offering their prayers. Some people didn't know what to say, and that's ok. I can say that I left better than I arrived, but I didn't know how I could ever sing again. How could I show my face on stage after all that? Was I stained in other's eyes? The devil was as his best now.... Sometimes embarrassment can make you want to withdrawal, but I'm over embarrassment... I'm over pride... I have none left. I find myself just wanting to crawl up into the Fathers arms and just be comforted...

My heart is hurting today...

We did finally get Stephan to the right doctor. He had surgery and his teeth are completely wired shut! Dr. D confirmed my worst nightmare- which was that "if" he got sick and threw up- he could die! That's as plain as I know to say it. It's worse than a nightmare. I couldn't sleep the first two nights scared to death that the pain meds would make him sick! Richard even slept in the bed with him incase he did get sick. I have to say, he has done well... We are being very creative concerning food. I've made three pots of soup that we've pureed. We do Ensure, Boost, yogurt, pureed oatmeal and the list goes on! Even grits have to be pureed! I might should say liquefied! He has to be able to get it through his teeth completely closed shut!! It's harder than you may realize. Drinking through a straw has it's challenges too. Most people loose 20-25 pounds during this 5 weeks... Yes 5 weeks- but he's gained 3 pounds so far! I have a feeling that even though he's on a liquid diet, he's eating more now than he was when he lived on his own sad to say!

I need to search God's Word more for comfort and direction. I hate feeling as I do. It's such an oppressing feeling and I don't like it. This trial is getting to heavy to carry and I am weary and tired.

May the God of peace be with us today.