Speed Hump!

Wednesday evening I was getting ready for church. I had to be there early because I had to sing that night, so my nerves were simmering just a little. Tis a good thing- To be nervous about something good I think! I was listening to my music, praying, and painting my face, as daddy used to call it : ) All of a sudden, Stephan came running into my bathroom screaming something about my car windshield being broken and how someone must have done it while I was showering!! I guess my brain was on praise and prayer mode and I couldn't seem to adjust myself to the situation. I was in a state of brain fog for a minute or two trying to come to the realization that someone had come into my driveway and busted my windshield out!!! He also started blurting out things like, "can you fix this? ...do you have insurance?

I began asking Stephan questions- now in frantic mode- as I made my way outside. As he showed me what he had been screaming about and began to tell me the story of how he discovered it. He said that he came outside, saw the windshield, looked for signs of a break in and walked around the house to see if he could see anyone fleeing the scene of the crime.

I stood there considering all the facts. I also considered that our car, and many other cars in our neighborhood have been broken into several times during the last five years. It was like 5:00 in the afternoon, people were fishing, nothing was taken, so why would someone just come bust my windshield and leave?

I asked Stephan if he had any enemies that may have come and done this thinking my car- was his car. Stephan said, "my car is parked out (front) and it's a Prelude. If they wanted to do this to me, they would have known I drove a Prelude, not an Infinity!" Of course, Stephan doesn't drive anything right now... but his car is parked out front.

As I investigated the big "smash" in my windshield, I looked at Stephan and told him that it looked like a basketball hit it. I said, "Were you playing basketball?" He said, "NO, I knew you would think I did it! I thought about not even telling you and just letting you find it yourself!" He said, "Are you calling the cops?" I told him of course I would if he didn't do it and that it needed to be reported! He said, "Well, you know I didn't pay those tickets yet and if they come here, they'll arrest me and I'll loose my job!" He said, " you call the cops and I'll leave, that way you can get it reported... Will the insurance pay for this?" I said, "Stephan if you did this, just be honest.." He said, "I'm leaving... I've been doing good lately- doing everything right.." I interrupted him and told him that he has to understand that he has told soooo many lies lately that we don't know what to believe. I told him that he simply has a lot of trust to earn back and my questioning him doesn't necessarily mean I'm accusing him, it just means we need to be honest with one another to begin the process of being able to trust again! Then I said, "If you didn't do it, I'll call Dad, he can call the cops- We DO have insurance... don't worry...!"

Richard came home and I drove his truck to church. Richard stayed behind to call the cops and Stephan did leave at some point. While I was at church, I admit I was a little shaken by the whole thing. I wanted to believe Stephan, I really did! But still, there was part of me that wondered why he would have lied about it. The other part of me wondered why someone else would bust my windshield out in BROAD daylight! I tried to put it all out of my mind and just focus on what was important. It was a great service!

I walked in the door when I got home and asked Richard if he called the cops, he said, no." Then he showed me a picture that he had taken with his phone that showed the print of a basketball on the hood of my car. We have had SO much pollen here, it's unbelievable! You had to be at the right angle to see it, but there it was.. a perfect, "yellow' print of a basketball. Richard and I began to discuss why he would have lied about it and we came up with two things:
One- He has really been trying to get his finances in order. He's looking forward to his first check that will hopefully pay off these two tickets and possibly.. pay for his cell phone bill. Which will mean he gets his phone back. Then he's going to work to pay Richard back a few hundred dollars he owes him, then he wants to get the insurance back on his car and pay that monthly! After he gets all this in order, he'll be on his way to whatever other goals he has in mind, but he'll be free from debt! He's got it all planned out, which is an awesome thing! I am so proud of him for working toward his goals. He even asked to work another day this week and they let him! Stephan told me that that might be his cell phone money! This is real progress in my eyes! I really feel like he came up with this cockamamie story, because he was so afraid that if he told the truth, we'd make him pay for it! I also think that "HE thought" that you have to file a police report in order to turn it in on the insurance before they will cover it, which is why he was so worried about us having insurance. You see, he's had three wrecks and the police reports have had to be turned in to the insurance company... I really think that this was what he was thinking.
Two: He HAS done really good lately. He's not been intoxicated for almost two weeks now and he is making so many baby steps. He's going in the right direction for a change!! I honestly think he was afraid of disappointing us! Not that he busted out the windshield, but that it was going to "cost" to get it replaced. He knows that we spent a lot of money on Rehab... and when things start going well- he's costing us money again! Bless his heart... I know that Stephan didn't do this on purpose. That I know for sure. He should have moved my car... but it was an accident!

Stephan came home and we didn't say anything to him. I fixed him something to eat and we all went to bed. The next day, I called the insurance company and told them my car had been attacked by a basketball. I didn't know if our insurance would cover it or not, or if it did, we'd probably owe a deductible large enough to pay for it in full! Anyway, there is not deductible and it covers it in full!! I admit, I was so glad to hear this!

That night- which was last night- Stephan came home around nine o'clock (an hour early!!) and asked about the windshield. Richard told him they were coming to replace it Tuesday. Richard also told Stephan he knew what happened. Stephan immediately chimed in and said, "What, how do you know what happened?" Richard told Stephan he was Sherlock Holmes... He said, "haven't you ever seen that movie?" Stephan squinted, then smirked... Richard invited Stephan outside for an investigation and told Stephan he could be Watson! Richard got the flashlight and told Stephan to bend down and showed Stephan this perfect indention of a basketball right on my hood...
Stephan started chattering away... "DUDE,.. I WAS JUST SHOOTING FREE THROWS! MAN, I NEVER, ..I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THE WINDSHIELD! IT JUST BOUNCED OFF AND HIT IT! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!"

For the next thirty minutes or so, Richard and Stephan talked about honesty. Stephan asked Richard if he thought it was bad luck. Richard didn't quite know what he meant by that and asked Stephan to explain. Stephan told him that things in his life were going good and now this happened, he said, "do you think it's just something like bad luck to get me messed up again?" Richard told Stephan that the only way anything can get him messed up again is if he lets it! He told Stephan that when things seem to be going well for him and one little thing like this goes wrong- Stephan lets that one little thing trip him up and he falls completely off the deep end! He told him that he has to keep on going... and keep his goals in mind... and be honest!

We've decided not to mention it ever again. I know Stephan's lied to us so much in the past and we're trying to get through it all. But I never want Stephan to feel like he can't come to us either, especially in a situation like this. God shows me grace and mercy everyday... I want to extend the same to my son. We have a long road ahead and this was a "speed hump" that slowed us down a bit, but we got over it. I hope that it's a lesson to Stephan in the days ahead that he knows he can come to us with anything.. and just be honest.

Dawn....

I just read back over my last post and wow, have things changed! All my indecisiveness has turned to hope! I had wrote about trying to help Stephan to get his finances in order and working on a plan. He has done all of that himself this week! He GOT the job at Five Guys!!! He started the very next day! Before his interview I earnestly prayed that Stephan would somehow find favor in the eyes of the manager. The lady he interviewed with said that she was going to re interview two other guys, but told Stephan that she really liked him and gave him the job on the spot!

Looking back over the whole situation- While I was sitting on a rock praying by the lake the day Five Guys left those messages on Richard's phone... I realized that they left the messages at the same time I was praying! I had also prayed that Stephan would be able to be in an environment with a few good people...that he would possibly be able to learn from one of the managers to advance himself in business management, because this is something Stephan had wanted to take a few years ago when he graduated high school.

Well, let me just share that Stephan works with 98% Hispanic guys! The two managers are from Madagascar. There are two other Caucasian people... The reason I write this is because Stephan has had some racial issues in the past. I have no idea where these ideas come from, but they were there.. On his first day, he said a negative comments about "Mexicans." I reminded him that, sure there are some mean Mexicans in this world, there are also mean black people and mean "white" people! The color of your skin doesn't determine your worth or your personality! I am proud to say that when we pulled up this morning Stephan said, "Hey, there's Moses! I love my Mexicans!" : ) I laughed! Let me also say that Stephan is the ONLY person that works at Five Guys that smokes cigarettes! The ONLY ONE! OK, is it me or do we see the hand of God all over this??

We went in to visit Stephan at work one day. Richard's favorite restaurant is Five Guys, so he's eaten there since the store opened! He's also became very acquainted with one of the managers, so when we went in, the manager put two and two together and realized Stephan was Richard's son! He smiled, was very pleased and said Stephan was doing a great job. He also joked around with Richard and told him that he was working on Stephan about that smoking! He told Richard he smoked for years and he realized how hard it was to quit, but he was talking to him. Oh my goodness, it just doesn't get any better than this!

When Stephan worked at his last job.... the manager smoked pot with all the employees back in the back while frying chicken... yes... really happened! You can't imagine how over joyed I am.

I am also happy to say that Stephan was off today, but he talked to them yesterday about working today and they let him come in! "He" did that too! He said he needed to get his tickets paid for, then begin working on paying his other stuff off. He's keeping his room clean too! Stephan is really OCD. He's never had a problem keeping his room clean, but when he's on drugs, I notice that nothing in his life is clean or orderly! He's either an all in or all out kind of guy. When he's all "in," he follows a specific regimen and wants to have order in every area of his life. While this is good... Stephan still needs to learn not to throw in the towel when one little thing goes wrong or gets out of order in his life. He has had a pattern of doing that in the past. I'm trying my best to encourage him every day. I told him how proud I was of him this morning for working today when he didn't have too. I have wondered lately- Who is this kid and what did he do with my son?

The only lumps and bumps that we have experienced is him going out with Caleb. That just makes me nervous. He does come home on time... and he is not intoxicated! Just last night, he told me he'd be home at 10, because he needed to get in the bed, since he had to work the next day! (Again, who is this guy? : ) ) Anyway, he was home at 10:01 and apologized for being one minute late! He and Caleb did go to Elevate, a church service again last Sunday night, which was awesome! Richard called Caleb's phone and heard the music in the back ground, so we know they were there... They also went to a Bible Study Monday night! Shocker!!! Caleb wanted to go. Stephan said he only went because Caleb wanted to go... but hey, it's progress! I am surprised at Caleb! Perhaps God is working in his heart. I tell you, I've been praying Caleb away and any other person that can negatively influence Stephan, but maybe, just maybe God is working on him too. I also have to realize that I can't keep Stephan from making mistakes, just like I can't make him make good choices. Plus, in reality, there really isn't anyone that can negatively influence Stephan... He has done a pretty good job in the past by making bad decisions all on his own without the influence of anyone!

I'm trying not to be so hard-nosed... We're giving him some freedoms. He still doesn't have a phone or a car, but he's doing well and "he" is doing it, because he wants too! We are just assisting and this is where we've wanted to be with him for so long! It took kicking him out endless times for him to reach this point, but we're here and I pray we stay here and things only get better. He's got a lot of trust to earn back you know?

God seems to be orchestrating so many things lately... It's amazing to watch him work! I pray that Stephan will begin to seek after Him and realize that he's been offered another chance at life. He is in the rebuilding process and it's going great! Stephan has also been researching (on his own) the harmful effects of the drugs he was taking on the human body! I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears for that matter, hearing Stephan talk about things he didn't know. He was pretty disturbed.

I have to remind myself that even in the calm, I need to be praying for Stephan now more than ever. The battle isn't over, it may have just begun. He's working hard... and I am one proud mama. I feel as if I'm sitting in a grassy meadow, breathing in the fresh morning air, watching, as the sun makes it's grand appearance upon the horizon. I begin to feel it's warmth on my face and I smile, knowing it's going to come up again tomorrow.... and that the darkness has subsided.

Help...

Today I'm just feeling sad. Have you ever felt betrayed? I feel sad and betrayed... I told myself not to get my heart involved, so I didn't. Why am I still hurt?

He called- again! This time, he had gone to a church service called Elevate and heard something there the youth minister said that plucked at his heart strings. He said he didn't want to talk about what he heard, but he had realized that he was screwing his life up, he needed a real job, needed to get off drugs... etc. Richard and I were still very reluctant to believe him! Gosh, how many times have I wrote this about him wanting a job, get off drugs, get his life right...blah blah blah...

While we had him on the phone we had both talked to him at length-again (about trust, all the lies, and everything else you can imagine.) He had been to church on his own though. Did that mean something this time? I told him that if he came home he couldn't hang out with friends, that we needed to work on getting him clean. He agreed. How many times we've been down this road. I knew we were in a huge battle ahead, but I was willing to stand by his side again and let him fight it through all the depression and mood swings. Like I said, he agreed! We sort of felt that him going to a "church service" may be another ploy to get to come home. We had our doubts he'd even been to church. We had also asked him if he'd been kicked out of where he was staying. We felt that was a possibly!! Anyway, he said that he could continue staying where he was, but he still wanted to come home. Maybe it wasn't a ploy...

After Richard and I got finished talking to a very sincere person for over an hour we decided to talk about it alone. There was this, "but what if he was actually telling the truth this time" conversation going on between us!! It was a agonizing decision that took over an hour to make, but we decided that we'd give it a try.

Monday, he went with Richard to work and filled out a chart. We decided he didn't need to be home with me. This chart was kind of a plan for his life in the upcoming months. A plan for each day and a plan for each week- just things he wants to accomplish. He finished it at Richard's desk.

Over the next few days, he had been working his plan. He was exercising every day! I was seeing progress in small ways! He and Richard surprised me with dinner one night as well! He hadn't talked to anyone on the phone either! That surprised me. Then Tuesday came and he left on foot for a few hours. He said he went up to the cave and went swimming in the lake alone. I was upset somewhat, but we decided that since his plan looked wonderful- and it did- that we'd overlook it. After all, he was alone. Wednesday- I saw Caleb drive by as I checked the mailbox. Stephan was supposed to be putting in job applications on line. He put one in at Staples Tuesday, so he was going to put in a few more today. I went back in and he was no where to be found!

I have been training for a 5K you know, so I decided to go for a walk, not a run, I am in between days and my knees were hurting. I walked around the lake and Stephan, Caleb and another boy were swimming! I sat on a rock and prayed that Stephan's and Caleb's friendship would cease to exist. I prayed that Stephan would get a job.. that he would be working with at least a few good people who would be a good example to Stephan spiritually and on the job. I prayed for a job where Stephan could learn skills from someone that might help him in his future, or something that might inspire him.

I sat there fuming... praying... and fuming some more, then I walked home. Going swimming is not a bad thing at all. It's just the fact that we told him no friends, you know? Especially these friends! Finally Richard called shortly after I walked in and said that Five Guys had called him. He said he didn't know WHY Five Guys would be calling him, so I suggested he call and find out! He did... and they are getting ready to hire someone in two weeks and wanted Stephan to come in for an interview! Well, IMAGINE THAT? It's been like 8 months ago when Stephan submitted and application! I bet they left the message right as I was praying!

Stephan didn't come home and we didn't know if we were gonna let him anyway, but he called around 9:00 last night. He was SOOO excited to learn about the job! He was jumping up and down! He's planning on going in for the interview today and stopped by to get some clothes after he called. He was also high when we talked to him, which pretty much helped us with the decision of not letting him come home last night!.

My heart wants him to get this job, which will help him in many areas- financially and keeping him occupied and away from drugs. I want to help him get well. I just have to remind myself that I can't get him well... that's up to him.

I'm just so torn... What if this is the beginning of something new? Should we let him stay until he gets on his feet now that he does have a job? Gracious?

Should we just be so hard-nosed and let him fend for himself and get to work the best way he can (if he gets the job)? Note: A big issue right now is that we don't let him drive his car because of his safety and the safety of others on the road.. plus, his insurance just expired. He couldn't drive it anyway even if he could drive! His insurance (because of prior accidents) is like $1300.00 every 6 months. When he has a car and insurance "He" pays it! I had told him a few weeks ago that I'd drive him to work if he got a job until he earned our trust back. This way, he could work some and get away from friends... start saving money and be on the road to getting his car back! He would be giving me money for gas though! Not a totally free ride! I told him I'd show him how to manage his money, and told him he could call and get his payments for his insurance on a monthly plan. That just seems like a logical plan to get up on his feet. I want to assist.. not do it for him!

I just don't know what to do today. I am finding myself in a state of indecisiveness! I want to help, but not enable. I feel like this situation is another "here we go again" scenario! But, Maybe not.... Maybe I just want this too much. Problem is: He should want it not me... and he does want the job! Today is just a struggle.

Any help would be appreciated...

"No Show"

Richard told Stephan to meet him for lunch on Thursday at 11:45 Wednesday night when he spoke to him about coming home. Stephan never called and never came. He must not have wanted to come home too bad. It's Friday night right now and I sit here praying he's ok having no idea where he is. I suspect he's still with Caleb, but don't know for sure.

I watched a movie today called, Augusta Gone. It was like watching a movie of my own life with Stephan since he started using drugs. I could totally relate to the mother in this movie! Her daughter was in a wilderness camp twice and nothing seemed to work until she was on the streets all alone with herself. In the end.. Augusta had to make her own choices, thankfully she made the right ones - finally!

I didn't mention it was a true story...

I am disappointed and hurt today...

Asking For Wisdom...

Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday night and I've talked to him almost everyday. I think I mentioned that he had worked in some one's yard, which gave him a little money. I tried to be excited and proud of him over the phone- although my heart is hurting as I desperately cry out to the Lord to save him from this pit he's in.

I think about things from his perspective sometimes and try to imagine where he is. I imagine myself having no car, because my parents won't let me drive it. I would think about the three car accidents I've already been in- and because of my current drug and alcohol use and safety for me and others is the reasons behind why my parents won't let me drive it. Would I really understand that as a teen? Maybe not... Would I care that they care about me so much? Probably so...

I imagine myself having no cell phone, because my parents say that now that I'm 19 I need to pay 15.00 a month to have it. I don't have a job!! How do they expect me to do that? Would I think my parents were being too hard on me? Maybe...
Would I think they were trying to push me to take responsibility for my own life? Definitely! Would I like it? Probably not... Would I understand all that as a teen? At 19 years of age... Probably would, but I still wouldn't like it!

I imagine being on drugs and thinking I couldn't live without them. It's how I cope! I use drugs when I'm depressed to get me through the day and I use drugs to celebrate when good things come my way! I also imagine being told you couldn't live in your home with no car and no phone. I can imagine it's a lonely feeling.

I hate that my son feels this way. It breaks my heart... I remind myself that I didn't cause his current situation and I can't cure it! I don't care what kind of sin "anyone" is wrapped up in. The "root" to the whole problem is one's relationship with God! I am convinced of that. It's the "root" to all MY problems! I'd hate to think of where I'd be today if it weren't for the Lord Jesus Christ! Well, to be honest, I'd be a single mother at the age of 19, because Richard and I would have divorced! Stephan would not have even existed! Because I was saved when I was 14, I really believe God had his hand on me to get me through one of the darkest times in my life! God answered my prayers you see, and Richard met Jesus when he was 23!! I rededicated my life to Him at that time -at the age of 21. Richard and I started walking with the Lord and He rebuilt our marriage and kept on building! He hasn't stopped!

I believe that God had a hand on our lives to allow our marriage to last long enough to bring Stephan into this world for lots of reasons! I've told Stephan many times that God has plans for his life! When Stephan was about 10, Richard went to this shoe store down town to have the soles of his shoes fixed. Working in this shoe store was one Christian, black man. He was the owner and the only employee. He and Richard began to talk and realized they had a kindred spirit, the Holy Spirit. He and Richard had "church" for a little while. They talked about God and all His goodness. Then, the man saw Stephan and put his hand upon his little, blond head and said that he was special. He said, "there's just something about this boy... he's special." He said that God told him that!

Stephan is special. "Stephan" is the only one who doesn't realize it yet. He sees himself as a screw up! Yes, he's said that to me on several occasions... I read something this morning that made me smile. I'll share it: It's from David Jeremiah-

("Some lessons can only be learned in failure, and a day is never lost -if a lesson is learned.")

This is so true! If we never try, we can never fail and if we never fail, we will never change... If we never try in the first place, we'll never be successful at anything! - I made that one up myself! : )

Stephan actually called "us" last night! It's been one week to the day... He's been living with Caleb and his parents. He told me he wanted to come home. When he first said this, I just sighed! I asked him if Caleb's parents were kicking him out. He said, "no, it's all Gucci here! I just wanna get things right! I want to find a job and all that." I reminded him of the rules here which included- no Caleb, no other friends, NO drugs! I continued... I told him that I believed he was bored and tired of living there with Caleb's family. I told him I really felt like he just wanted to come home, take a shower, sleep in his own bed, wear his own clothes... and in a few days, he'd be bored here, decided he couldn't follow the rules again and take off!!

He assured me that I was wrong! I also told him that because of being stolen from, his dad and I couldn't live in our own home and have any trust in him at all! I said, "How do you think that makes us feel?" "I can't hang my purse in the laundry room, you steal money and my debit card!. I can't leave you here by yourself. I can't leave without taking you with me! We just can't trust you!" He told me he was sorry... He said he wanted to get rid of the drugs, the friends, and was willing to not even hang out with Caleb! He said he wanted me to drive him to put in applications until he found a job! At that point in our conversation I told him what he said to me only a week ago. He said that he wanted to live with us long enough to get a job so he could move out and continue doing what he wanted to do. I asked him if "what he wanted" included drugs! I asked him how things like this change in one week? He said, "they just did! I'm tired of this mess and I want to make things right."
How do you ever know if this is the turning point? I mean, how do you know? I felt as if I just got back on the roller coaster again, or was possibly getting ready too.

I finally just let him talk to Richard, but before I handed him the phone I told Richard what we'd talked about. Stephan was wanting to come home right then. It was 8:30.. I told Richard that I just didn't trust this or him, but whatever we do we don't need to decide anything tonight. Richard talked to him for about a half hour. Richard reiterated everything I just said to him all over again ..and then some. Richard agreed to have lunch with Stephan the next day, (which is today.) I think Stephan was surprised that we didn't let him come home right away.. and that's good! I don't really think he expected it either. I know that sounds contradictory... but it's true in a weird kind of way. I think, by the way he sounded that there was a little more fear in his voice and a little more of him feels threatened by us not letting him come home...maybe, he knows how to play us too. I "think" he is almost to the point he knows somethings gotta change. I said- almost! My fear is that these feelings of "almost" wanting to change will result in this vicious cycle repeating itself all over again! That's what I want to prevent!

After they hung up, Richard and I talked about how we did NOT want to enable him, because enabling him only prolongs him really taking responsibility for his own life! As long as we make things easy for him, he has no reason to change! We want him safe, but we don't want to prolong his venture to recovery. We can provide a great place for him to live if he would abide by the rules.

Richard told me that he felt like I wanted Stephan to come crying and groveling back to us begging for us to take him back. I told him, yes, part of me did! That way I know he's serious! I said, "He just didn't seem "groveley" enough!" Richard reminded me that I don't need to let that part of the way I feel filter into the way I speak to him. I agreed... I told Richard that it's just hard. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm tired of being disrespected, used and abused! He said he understood, he felt the same way, but Stephan still needs to know he's loved -and we still don't have to let him come home! I agreed... That is true! So true....

Richard knows and I know that I do love that beautiful, blond boy of mine. Oh, he melts my heart. I just want him whole again. I want my boy back! I want my Stephan back...

Richard told me that he had prayed that Stephan would call him yesterday and he did! Like I said, it's the first time he's called in a week.

Part of me wants to believe he's being real, part of me doesn't think one week has been long enough at all. Oh Lord, please show us what in the world to do!

I packed Richard's lunch today and I packed some for Stephan... I hope Stephan shows up to eat with him! They are supposed to meet at 11:45 today. Richard did say that if he doesn't show- he's ain't coming back! And... it's according to how things go today that will determine everything!

God be with us... I am so torn. Give Richard wisdom that he needs today... Give Stephan a reason to want to turn things around. Keep him safe in the mean time.

Spiritual Disciplines...

Stephan is staying with a friend- for now! I don't know how much longer that will last, but perhaps it will cause him to start thinking about things. I've talked to him almost everyday and he did yard work the last two days. He's earned a little money at least!

He told me that he went to court last Thursday over the three tickets, but he lied! He didn't go. Now, since he's a "no show," I suppose there's a warrant out for his arrest for Failure To Appear! It's a tangled web he's weaving for himself.

In the mean time, Richard has started teaching a class at church. It's been good that he's been able to focus on preparing for that. He's teaching Spiritual Disciplines. So far, the introduction has been awesome!

A little about the class: It's a class that will guide you through a carefully selected array of disciplines including:
Scripture reading, prayer, worship, scripture meditation, evangelism, serving, stewardship, Scripture application, fasting, silence and solitude, journaling and learning…

Richard will be illustrating why these disciplines are important, showing how each one will help you grow in godliness, and offering practical suggestions for cultivating each of them!

It's going to be a truly wonderful experience of throwing out “life-as-usual” and taking up new paths where God can transform our lives from the inside out!

As for me- some simple things I've been trying to do in my life in order to try and live a more "spiritually disciplined" life is that I've been working for three weeks now cleaning out every crook and cranny of my ENTIRE house! I'm done!!! If I had two of something, I gave one away.. If I didn't use it, I gave it away. I gave some things to my friends who are adopting a child and are having a benefit yard sale soon. I took some clothes to the consignment store, so I could take the money I earn to buy new things I may need. I'm just tired of "stuff!" I want my heart to be on Heaven not on things of this earth. I am seeking a simple life characterized by being satisfied with what I need rather than what I want -and trying to do things here that just ...matter!

Richard and I also went on a "date" last Friday night! Woo Hoo! We've also been doing Financial Peace through Dave Ramsey, so in order to go on a date and still be "frugal," we went to Zen Berry and had frozen yogurt with a buy one get one free coupon that Richard got!! We haven't been out to eat in almost a month now : )
I'm also trying to do better at planning meals for us and have been packing Richard's lunch everyday. You know, I always make a menu and a list when I go grocery shopping, but as we've been dealing with SO much stuff, there have been days that I've just been completely depressed and haven't felt like cooking. I'd call Richard and tell him to just pick something up... People, I'm trying to pick myself up off the ground! I've got to take care of myself, my husband and my house!

On top of all this, in order to live a more physically disciplined life, I've began training for a 5K! ---- Well, actually, in all honesty- I've been "training" for the TRAINING! My first official training day with my group starts on the 12th! I can't get out there and look bad in front of all my friends now can I? I know, I'm bad... I can't believe I'm even doing this! It's something I've always wanted to do, but I've never been a runner, so it's pretty intimidating... Wish me luck! Oh, and make a wish that I might loose 10 pounds by the end of all this! : )

Blessings to you all!

More Apologies...

After Stephan stole his pills and ran off, he didn't come home- naturally! Well, he called me last night to apologize! Do you know how many times I've heard these apologies? Goodness, I love him... I do... It was so good to talk to him and hear his voice. He was actually sober! That was nice.

I was in Lowes Hardware when he called to apologize. What this apology meant was: (Will you let me come home, shower, change clothes and eat?)

We talked for about an hour. He apologized over and over.... He also had me on speaker phone so Caleb could hear, so I let them both have a little piece of my mind and my heart. I told Stephan how he hurt me (again). I reminded him of his actions (again.) I let him know that I believe in him, I love him and I know that if he gets out of this drug infested world he lives in his life will begin to come together! I told him I'd tried to get him to let me help him do that and also reminded him of how he won't let me!

Like I said, he wanted to come home to shower, get fresh clothes and eat, because he and Caleb were working in some one's yard the next day. I told him he could come home to pick up his clothes! He figured out that I was in town while we were talking and he begged me to tell him where I was. I told him that I figured if I told him where I was that Caleb would drop him off there, leaving me with no choice but to bring him home! I told him I wasn't falling for that one! Then he wanted me to at least meet them and buy him and Caleb a chicken sandwich! I wouldn't... That one was a little hard, I admit. Trying to hold my ground, I told him that Burger King and Hardees throw perfectly good food out all the time and that he should go talk to them to see if he could get any of it! If you think that sounded harsh, you need to read my last post! I'm sure he sold all those pills he stole from me!

They finally made arrangements for Caleb's grandmother to buy them food- and she did! She also bought Caleb a carton of cigarettes for his birthday- she's sweet like that!

I talked to Stephan and Caleb both about getting things together and they assured me they were working on it! I hope they are... Letting Stephan pick himself up and be responsible for himself right now is the only thing that is going to help him. As long as our home has a revolving door on it, he will not get any better. Sometimes I feel like it is- What an emotional train ride we are on.

I told Stephan that his dad and I were meeting in town for a date night and that I'd call him when I got home and I did. It was 8:00... He said that "we were gone too long" and he was just going to wear some of Caleb's clothes tomorrow. I told him that was fan-tas-tic!!

Lord, protect my son. I hate that things have to be this way. My heart feels as if it is being ripped from my chest! I'm so thankful that I was able to talk to Stephan and let him know he's loved... He also knows that our home, our love and our help is available to him on our terms. Lord, I pray that he will begin to see how much he needs You and how desperately he needs help.