Always a First Time for Everything!

I wouldn't say that Stephan went on a date with Sam (Samantha) from church, but they did meet... and they did go to the movies! Stephan's never "been to the movies" with a girl! He's never been on a real date. He told me that all the girls he's ever dated he met at a party and they just got together. It's never been like an "introduction, a getting to know one another, then getting to the point of asking a girl out and actually going somewhere nice!" He's never dressed up, picked up a girl and gone on... a date!

I was so happy for him! He did dress up. He didn't pick her up. He didn't pay for her ticket. She insisted she pay her own way. So... it wasn't a date, just a movie with a friend and that's so great! Sam seems like a very nice girl. Stephan said that she's a little shy or it seemed that way! He said maybe it was awkward for her. She's 19, but he's not sure how many guys she's been out with.

Stephan said that he wasn't nervous at all! Their movie started thirty minutes later than expected, so they had time to talk. He said that she answered his questions, but didn't really ask him any! He thought that was funny... but I also think that because she was the way she was, it gave Stephan a little more confidence in himself, in a good way.

I told Stephan that he should get to know her! Even if he finds a good friend... that's a very wonderful thing! You can't have too many good friends! Plus, you never know... she may be "the one!"

Time will tell..............

Are You Protecting Your Child From GOD?

Now that's a shocker of a title, right? Let me explain! So, Stephan has been working for the company my husband works for since the first of August, so almost four months! He's working hard and doing a great job! I'm very proud of him! I'd like to say that everything has been smooth since he began work, but we've had a few mountains to cross. I knew that Stephan would begin meeting people and making friends. This can be a good thing- or not! If any of you have a child that is on drugs, or been on drugs, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not stereotyping people/ people groups at all! I love people. Don't mishear me... I'm talking about individuals on this earth that may be in the same kind of trouble Stephan has been in -and those individuals being good for him to hang around or vice versa for that matter! Over the past several months since Stephan came to live with us, we have stressed the importance of surrounding himself with individuals that would encourage him to grow, not people that might potentially pull him down. We encourage him to learn from the people that he gains inspiration from! I believe that rule could apply to all of us!

Sometimes, I let my anxieties rule me and my moods when it comes obstacles I know Stephan is getting ready to face. I then take on the responsibility of trying to prepare him for whatever these obstacles may be, then... when things don't go as planned as I've set in "my" heart and "his" mind- I crash internally! This "crashing" of sorts causes me to feel like I need to somehow re-train him, because it's obvious I missed something! I believe this may be classified as co-dependent! My moods are sometimes dependent on his success! It can also be classified as a mother with her hopes so high, she can't allow her son to make choices on his own for fear that he may fail. Not "fail" as in he's a failure... "Fail" in a sense that I somehow failed him, because if he was knowledgeable enough- he would have all the tools to make good friends and good choices and life would be perfect with whipped cream and a cherry on top!! He wouldn't have to struggle so... and he would begin to succeed in every area that he wants to succeed in, because I'm ready for his success. He should be too right?

Let me say--- I've been through this over and over! If you've read prior posts, you'll read all about how we had to let Stephan go when we lived in Alabama. We had to let him go to make his own choices and let the consequences teach him, because there comes a time in every child's life where this must happen in order for them go grow! It's true- we can't protect them from everything and experience is sometimes the best teacher!

Let me put it into perspective again- for myself... and for anyone reading that may war with this too. I tell you, why is this such a struggle? It's like tug of war with your own heart! Ok, here goes my short version of the sermon I heard a sermon recently on the Prodigal Son. (Luke Ch. 15:11-32) :  --The son wanted to leave the home of his father and take along with him all of his inheritance! The father let him! The son went on his merry way... he squandered all his money on loose living and prostitutes! He was reduced to a state of hunger and despair and he had to eat with the pigs! It was only when he came to the end of his rope with no resources left that he began to realize what he had done. His heart grew weary and I believe, repentant! He had admitted he sinned against his father and against Heaven. He admitted he was no longer worthy to be called his father's son. He wanted to come home, but only as a hired servant. The story goes on... but the point I'm making is: "The Father Let Him Go." He didn't chase after him. He didn't send him letters to remind him to spend his money wisely and not to lay with prostitutes or he'll loose all his money and be broke! He let the son make the mistakes, so that the son would learn valuable life lessons through experience.

This same sermon was about The Prodigal Son, but it was also a message to us parents. I believe the heart of it would be this: If you continually go before your child padding their every fall they will continue... to "fall!"
The sentence that the pastor said that struck me most was: "How do you know that this "FALL" is not God's plan for your child's life so that God can TEACH them something through the experience?" OH Wow! Right through the heart!

Parents, often too much, try to protect their children from falling and IF God IS trying to work in our child's life then yes, we could be protecting our child from the chastening hand GOD! Ouch! Protecting our children is a good thing, but when our children are ADULT children... sometimes protection doesn't allow for mistakes that our adult children need to make in order to learn and grow. It doesn't allow them to know and come to a realization that they've turned their backs on God and are therefore now suffering the consequences of sin. It doesn't allow them to learn where sin can lead! It doesn't allow them to take responsibility for their own lives.

What I'm saying in a nutshell is that we should guide our adult children with advice and wisdom if they'll take it! Have great conversations with them and take opportunities to mentor them. Spend time with them doing things they enjoy. Be a parent! But... when they won't hear... when they don't want your well thought out wisdom and they want to run and do their own thing... Well, sometimes you have to let them go learn the hard way.

Like I said, since he's moved here we've faced some trials. This happened several months ago.... Aside from work relationships, he did get mixed up with some other people here that, well, actually a guy from work introduced Stephan too. We had not idea that this was even going on, but this relationship lasted for three days and because of this relationship and bad choices on Stephan's part, his choices could have potentially landed him in jail! But- those three days taught him A WHOLE LOT! It taught him that it wasn't worth it. Maybe he needed a reminder. He hasn't been back! Praise God!

I'd also like to say that Stephan is making all kinds of good choices right now too! I have sooooo much to be grateful for. He's not where he was... As a matter of fact, he's NOWHERE around where he "was!" This is what my heart should be focused on! It's a journey that we're walking with our son and he's walking in a new direction. The friends he chooses at work might not be exactly who I'd choose for him according to things they do on their own time.... but---- over the past week Stephan has chose to come home from work and not "hang" with any of them! He does speak of choices they are making: some involving alcohol, absentee parents, adultery, pain killers, and one woman who is almost twice Stephan's age hitting on him! He is learning from these people... He's learning who he doesn't want to be... He's seeing a marriage that just started in the first stages of divorce! He says he wants to be a faithful husband.... He's learning what he "is" looking for in a wife and what he's not!  He is seeing the repercussions of adults living as children in their 30's and 40's and the struggles that come along with it! He says that it's sad and he definitely doesn't want to be there at that age! He knows he has a lot of growing to do. He's 20!!

Stephan has also been going to church with us every Sunday! My heart is over joyed! He has even been involved in a few ministry opportunities where he helped pastor Jason. He "hung out" with pastor Jason one entire day helping with the Christmas Parade!

There's a verse of scripture that I like to recall often: Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it! Proverbs 22:6. I know that Richard and I did our best as our boys were growing up.. even with all the mistakes I know we made! We did have a mindset to "train" them as we felt the Lord would want us too in the midst of the mistakes and doubting our parenting abilities!! We tried our best to teach them to love Him, honor Him and be obedient to Him. Many days I prayed for patience and many days were spent wondering what in the world I was doing -or if I was doing anything right at all! Ultimately, I believe we instilled the love of God in them and salvation through Christ Jesus. I believe our boys have a foundation although it may not be perfect- it's strong- not because of us, but because of Christ! I believe this foundation is the rock that Stephan is returning too. Praise God he has this rock of Christ Jesus that he trusted in so many years ago!

You know, God is over joyed when we return to Him! God loves unconditionally, yet He allows us to wander and wandering always causes growth, because we're left to figure things out for ourselves! Every trial that we face causes us to grow and we're also strengthened in many ways! Our faith is made stronger... If we were never allowed to wander and we were always protected from trial, where would our faith be today?

I saw something on facebook today that said: "Guide with kindness."  Too often, I want Stephan to read scriptures where it speaks of drunkenness and loose living, so that he can know what he's doing is wrong. Fact is, he already knows. He has that foundation beneath him since childhood. What he needs is "Words of LIFE" not death! He needs to know that God loves him, God is for him, God believes in Him and God has a plan for his life! Stephan needs to know we feel this way too as his parents... and I think he does. It's just that many days I fail to remind him of it.

Stephan is struggling right now in his relationship with Rainey. He broke it off, but he still loves her. Last Sunday in church I caught myself looking down reading in Proverbs. It was concerning women. I thought to myself that I wished Stephan could read it, but then again- "Words of Life" right? I glanced over to him and he WAS reading Proverbs chapter five! I couldn't believe my eyes! He even made a face as if he'd never read that before and he was shocked! I asked him after church what that reaction was all about as he was reading. He he said he'd made his mind up that he was telling Rainey that it was over! He did call her last Sunday. He did tell her it was over. He also ended their conversation by telling HER she needed to read Proverbs Chapter 5! (Well, maybe not the best thing he should've said... but that's what happened.)

That was last Sunday... Stephan just last night told me he still loved her and was getting ready to call her to discuss their relationship and that he was putting his foot down! I hate to see him go through this again and again! He's done that many times... many, many times. She is not willing to follow and the cycle continues.

There is a girl at church (Samantha) that is interested in Stephan and he's talked to her. She is beautiful. She's been home-schooled all her life. Stephan was home-schooled for five years, so they have something in common. Her facebook page reveals that she is probably a very nice, God seeking girl, but this scares Stephan to death. He admitted that he's never dated a "girl like that." He was purely flushed after talking to her Sunday! I've never seen him that way! It was quite funny in a sweet kind of way.

Who knows? I just keep praying for my son to find his way in life. I try to love him the best ways I can. I love both my boys beyond anything they'll ever know! Well, Brandon has a son now... I'm sure he has experienced that kind of love!!  : )  I want that for Stephan too...

Lord, may you always go before us in every way. Protect my children and our family. Please help us to love them in ways they need to be loved and speak life into them every single day...

Amen

What's God Got Up His Sleeve Anyway?

Hi friends! Sorry I haven't posted in so long...  It's been almost three months! I've been very, very busy still, finishing up the painting/remodel of our new home! We're all moved in and settled. I think the other part of not posting is just mere depression on my part. If you've read prior posts of our move to WI you know how difficult this has been for me. BUT... if you've read prior posts, you also know that I've realized reasons behind the move. One huge reason is Stephan! I never imagined God would love us so much to answer prayers for him in this manner, but God works in ways we cannot see most of the time! Although I know this, the human side of me hates being away from my other son, his wife and now 10 month old Jeremiah. Oh gracious- all my life I imagined how wonderful it would be having babies. I love children and my career of choice since I was knee high to a grasshopper was to be a wife and mom! As my boys grew, each day I lived life with the mentality of preparing them for the future physically, spiritually and emotionally. I was on a mission! I knew that one day I'd be a grandmother and I became one 10 months ago at the ripe old age of 41! I know that God knew the internal desires of my heart... (You know, to have both my boys, my grandchildren and daughter-in-laws living just a few minutes away and every weekend having little children surrounding me and running through the house playing, because after all it was their favorite place to be, right?) Christmas's, Easters and Thanksgivings would be filled with lots of laughter and food around my table. Well, now we are traveling a lot! My heart breaks... I see Jeremiah on facetime (which I love) but... just isn't the same. I can't snuggle him. I struggle daily not having them in my life, but when I snap back into reality, I know that God's plans are higher than mine!

I have to say- There's been some talk! Yes... "talk." My son, Brandon works for the same company my husband works for, but in Alabama. When we moved to WI one thing God did was allow my son to get a customer service job (that he couldn't have gotten if his dad still worked there, because my husband was the boss!) Brandon couldn't work under his dad.. company policy! Anyhow--- There's been "talk" of my son moving to the NC facility, so that customer service can be in one place serving all three locations. NC is where we started with my husband working in that facility. Then he took the job in AL... now we're in WI and he's running this facility! Hope I'm making sense as to how this all came about. The other thing is: I know that Richard will not be here (WI) forever... The plan is to get this facility up and going and to find a replacement for his job, so that Richard can open up a new plant somewhere else-- or he may be taking the presidents job one day. That's an option too. The president/owner works out of the NC location! SO.... how awesome would it be for God to allow such a thing to happen in our weak abilities to try to be faithful and follow His leading? How cool would it be for us to all be together again in NC one day? I can't say this is God's plan, but I do like thinking about it!

Lord, help us to remain faithful even in the midst of confusion of why we're here. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons. One, being Stephan... and I know that! I'm so thankful for him and all my children. I know you have plans and purposes for all our lives here on Earth. Lord, guide and protect us. Pick us up when we fall and fail You in so many ways. Help us to find our individual purposes for being where we are.

In Jesus Name.....

Answered Prayer Comes In the Most Unsuspecting Ways....

I should really update more.. I've had so much going on here.. I'm still unpacking! Stephan's been here for seven weeks and he's growing in so many ways. There's lots of things I notice every day that are definite changes! He doesn't really talk to any of his old friends besides Caleb and Rainey. He's made only a few comments to others on facebook, but for the most part, that seems to be fading away. He's separating himself from his old life. I feel so sorry for him when it comes to Rainey.... Stephan's such a romantic. He really cares for her and still sends her messages and talks to her. She may or may not respond and when she does it's quick and possibly an "I'll get back to you later." Stephan's preparing himself for her or himself to find another special person in their life. He just seems to think about it more than she does. He's going to make such a good husband one day when he finds that one person who truly completes him in every way. That one person who he really connects with- on a friendship basis and emotionally. Then later- on every level! True love....

Stephan's not really looking for true love right now and I think that's really mature of him. He's still going to church with us, he's still working- very hard I might add! He even volunteers for Saturdays and works over time! These Saturdays are offering him very nice paychecks! : ) Stephan's opened up a checking account and savings and is working toward buying a car he really likes. He is establishing an emergency fund- he's tithing! He is being very responsible. I am very proud of him.

One thing that's bothering him is turning 21. I'm so glad that he's open and honest with us about it. We had a discussion last night about his concerns and I hope he was encouraged. We talked about Satan, temptation, and hiding God's Word in our hearts. We talked about Jesus being tempted by Satan and how he used the Word of God to fight him off!

Everyday, Stephan is growing and changing. He's growing up... He even talks about how he thinks he's changed. He met someone the other day that's probably 45 years old and they have not grown up yet!!! Stephan marveled at the fact of how someone could be that old and still act like a teenager.... He said he did NOT want to be him in 25 years! Stephan wants a home, a wife and children one day : ) I want that for him too.

Everyday we try to encourage him and let him know we're here for him. Yesterday, Stephan wanted to go to the driving range and even though Richard was going, he wanted me to go to! I really wasn't feeling well, but I went anyway, because he acted so disappointed that I may stay here. That really made me feel special. --That he really wanted me to be there. We wound up having a blast! It was a good day...

On another note: I went to Alabama last week to see my other babies! Brandon, Ellie and little Jeremiah... Oh, it was so good to see them! I may not have put Jeremiah down all week!! He's seven months old now and sweet as ever. We had a good time of worship that week, good food and good shopping : ) The best part was kissing and snuggling on my baby... and the talks we all had together. In about eight weeks, Brandon and Ellie are going to El Salvador on a missions trip. "I" get to keep Jeremiah!!! They're driving up for a visit, then leaving him with us. We will be driving him back home--- maybe! : ) I might just keep him- haha! I can't wait, because leaving that baby every time we leave Alabama rips me to shreds.

I never, ever in a million years would dream that God loved us so much to answer our prayers for Stephan like he has. He moved us all the way to WI for Stephan to start over. I didn't see it coming! It was devastating news at the time and I suffered greatly moving away from Brandon and his family... but God knows the plans He has for us... plans to give us hope and a future. He sees the big picture! All we have to do is be faithful... even in the depths of despair and when we don't understand!

I love you Lord... I lift my voice to give you praise.............

The Day Stephan Moved to Wisconsin!

Wow, it's been exactly a month since I've been on here! Time sure does fly!! SOOooo much has gone on since Stephan said he was moving here. I have a surprise! Are you ready? Stephan "is" here! He's been here for three weeks and three days. He said he was coming.... and he did!

He finally asked his brother to help him move his things from Travis' house, so everything Stephan owned, except for his car, clothes and his toothbrush is in our storage facility in Alabama. The day Stephan said he was driving here was probably one of the MOST stressful days I'd ever experienced. It was a different type of stress, but stress none the less! Before he left, he had spent the night before in his car. He was drunk, so his brother wouldn't let him stay there. Brandon also had to call the police, so they were involved. We were all up till 2:00 in the morning. The policeman got Stephan's keys and he slept in his car in front of Brandon's house. Brandon returned the keys the next morning. Stephan was pretty much drunk the entire week before he left Alabama!

Stephan called us around eleven on a Sunday and said he was headed north. He was determined to leave. He was already in route. I actually told him to stay until he was in a better frame of mine. He said he was DONE and needed a new life and wanted to start over. As parents, our concerns were: If he wanted a new life, then why go get drunk and cause all the chaos one week before starting your new life? It was confusing to us- and very concerning- that if he wanted this new life, why not start now? We tried to get him to calm down and stay for a few more days... you know, think things through, but he wouldn't hear of it. He was after all, homeless.. I even asked him if he could consider staying with Travis a little longer. He said, I'm leaving now and I AM on the interstate!! It was a blessing to hear that he said he was done.... It's what I've been wanting to hear for so long.

His reasoning for the chaos that he put us all through while staying with Brandon was because the change he was getting ready to experience. He was nervous not knowing what to expect. He was afraid of the drive... it was 750 miles! He was also leaving his best friend and his girlfriend, well, x-girlfriend... I'm sure all his reason's are accurate, but what I wanted to talk about was him handling his stress with substances! I told him- it just never ends well and there are always, always negative consequences to it.

At this point, we couldn't stop him. Was this God's plan? Did God move us all the way here for Stephan to join us later? Was this the answer to my last four-five years of prayer? I don't know....

The day Stephan came- oh my gracious, I was so concerned with him driving. I was worried about his car. I was worried that he'd get lost! He had NEVER driven on the road (interstate) for that long of a distance in his life! I had to give him a crash course in road signs and with no GPS to guide him I talked to him periodically in the phone (with 120 minutes on it!) He has lost his phone that week prior to the drive and he had to get a pre-paid phone with -again-only 120 minutes on it! I was forced to guide him in the blind only when he called, me looking at Google Maps with time ticking away on his phone! I was sick to my stomach that day. We went to Boston Market and I couldn't hardly eat... I couldn't take a nap earlier that day while he was on 65 for hours... I sat looking at Google maps imagining where he was. Stephan went through a humongous storm... he called and said he couldn't see! I told him to pull over... I just kept thinking to myself, "I'll be so GLAD when he is finally here and this drive is OVER!!! The next thing was--- get ready for it. He didn't have enough money to get himself here and he was a quarter of the way here already. I had to go online and find a Western Union about an hour north of him not far from 65 to wire him money! I now understand how people's nerves can literally make them throw up. I told him where to exit and had to guide him all the way there, street by street. His minutes were running low from being on the phone with me and Rainey calling! (Shaking my head..) Once he got to the Western Union he bought more minutes and something to eat. I was NOT looking forward to Chicago. I've driven through Chicago by myself and it's easy to get confused! He had NEVER been through a place like this. My stomach churned the closer he got. Every road change, he called. I told him what was ahead and which lane to be in. Satellite imaging is great! I managed to get him across the Wisconsin state line and all the way to the city we live in.

Around 12:00 midnight, I was on the phone guiding him to our apartment. The closer he got, I could hear the rumble of his motor. I have never, ever in my whole life been so relieved! My baby arrived on my doorstep. He looked bad. He is so handsome... but he looked thin and dirty. I had made him a bed. He showered and we all went to bed. That night, something strange happened. As I layed down.... I could have sworn I saw a man stooped down peering into Stephan's room from ours.... I drifted off to sleep.

The next day, the sun was shining bright!! Stephan and I ate.. he told me "thank you" for his breakfast. We began talking and Stephan told me that he saw a man in the hall way right before he went to sleep!! Chills ran over me!!! He freaked out when I told him what I saw... and it was the same man. "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 

Oh for goodness sake... this battle is very real. Stephan and I had a long talk about his plans and about God's plans for his life. He said he was really looking forward to church the following Sunday! He actually asked me about church first! : )

Stephan and I had a great first week together. We laughed, we shopped for groceries. He never left my side, nor did he ask to leave our house during the day. That had been one of my concerns...

Sunday came- he wanted to sit on the front row! We told him to lead the way... He did, and we all sat front and center! He even dressed so nice!

The second week, I began to see even more changes. He gave up rap music... He has had NO emotional outbursts!! I've gave him cash twice to run in a store to grab something for me and he has given me back my change! I haven't had to worry with hiding my purse. He's been pleasant, fun.... a pure joy!

I've noticed that he's put positive things on his facebook. He even put the Bible as one of his favorite books. He changed his location... he removed some things! He made a comment to one of his friends that we had always been behind him and now he's moved to WI to be with us. One day he updated his status to say that he had moved and wanted to change his life for the better. He wanted to make something of himself. He also said that he gave God all the glory for taking care of him and keeping him alive during these last several years! He tells us he loves us all the time.

Stephan doesn't know about my blog... but I did tell him that I had been praying for God to protect him all this time... for God to protect him even from himself!! He said, "you know... He has! There were so many times I could have died!" I told him that perhaps God was giving him a chance to make something different of himself. I reminded Stephan of all his great qualities and that with God all things were possible!

Stephan took up golf again! He never ceases to amaze me! He is so talented in all he does. When he puts his mind to something... he gives it 250% and he does it well... We have a driving range near our house.

Stephan told Richard that he wanted to try to get on where Richard works. Richard is the manager there... but the decision is also up to the owner/president. Chuck came to WI to visit the company here and wanted to have lunch with Stephan. They did... and had a great talk. This is not the first time Chuck has taken time to eat lunch with Stephan. He also did when we lived in AL. He's a great guy! Stephan did tell us sometime back that he would never work for "this company" until he felt he could do so without disappointing his dad or Chuck. I really admired and respected Stephan for that decision. Stephan's an all in or all out kinda guy! Stephan asking Chuck for a job is a huge deal. It means Stephan is wanting things to be different! Chuck had dinner with us one day last week and talked to all of us. He said, "We're only going to discuss this once... I never want to talk of it again... but I am excited about Stephan coming on board, but also in protection of our company will require Stephan to be drug tested once a month. It will be on company expense and reported to me and our company lawyer!" He said, "There could also be random tests... and this will last for one year, then we will assess how you are doing and go from there. Fair?" He also told Stephan in all candidness... that he didn't want his decision to hire Stephan to make him look like an idiot... I respect that! After the hard conversation, we ended with Stephan's ability to learn quickly and his efficiency. It's true... Whatever Stephan wants to do, he learns it from front to back and side to side and does it well. Chuck's comment was, "Now if you can use that talent toward good things... you are gonna be very valuable in this company!

Stephan started his new job yesterday!! He's working 40+ hours a week!! Richard came home last night and told me that Stephan had learned more in one day than most anyone he had ever known! He said Stephan was smarter than most of his lead people!!! Wow... what a compliment!

Stephan will get to start a retirement plan... and as he says... make a lot of money to buy a car he would like to have. He said he's going to save for a year, then buy it only financing a little to start building his credit!! Wow... I'm so proud that he's thinking about these things : )

Stephan has also gained 15 pounds these last three weeks! He looks so good... He seems happy! He does talk to Rainey on occasion and Caleb maybe once a week... but you know, I caught Stephan giving Caleb really good advice the other day. (Caleb just had a baby with his girlfriend.) They are not getting along... Stephan told him that "once you involve yourself in a sexual relationship with a girl, it just complicates things- it takes the relationship to a different level.. now she got pregnant and had a baby and you don't even know if you love her." You need to find love before all the sexual stuff!"   I wanted to jump in and say, "love and Marriage" before the sexual stuff, but I didn't! Stephan's growing.... he really is. He also said that prayer has made the biggest difference in his life. He says he prays every morning and every night. He said that he knows that God is going before him.

For now, my fears have been subsided... life is good! My son is doing so well....  We have conversations about temptations and future relationships and how to always be on guard... I pray for him everyday.... I pray he continues allowing God to determine his footsteps and trusts God as he walks....

Thank you God for your many blessings!!!! I know for sure that our move here involves answers to my many prayers... thank you God for going before us all- even when we don't understand where or why You're leading us where You are...  I love you Lord..................

 

Seeking Wisdom!

Stephan's been staying with his brother and wife for the last few days. Well, let me say "when" he's there he's staying with them. Right now Stephan's homeless... if it weren't for his brother, I don't know where he'd stay.. In his car I guess! He's almost out of options!

Stephan being in their home has reeked havoc on their marriage in just a short time- one week to be specific! He say's he'll be home at 10:00- then he doesn't show, or he'll come in at 12:00 knowing they have a baby and that Brandon has to work the next day! He says he's going to church with them- they save him a seat- he stands them up! He comes in drunk... He really embarrassed them in front of Ellie's friend Hannah the other night... the list goes on.

Part of a "sorta planned out plan" for the near future is Stephan moving here!!! You'll have to re-read some posts to catch up.... In the mean time, he's staying there to pay off a ticket. He still has a job... He's wanting to get a few pay checks under his belt, etc.

Richard and I bought a new place here. We're moving in two weeks! Yep..... two weeks! I've been up there for the last three weeks painting, scraping, putting in new this and new that! You know the drill! Since hearing of Stephan coming here, I can say it's put a damper on my excitement. I love him! Oh, gosh I love him!!! But he lies... he steals... he comes home drunk... he's loud... he makes our life pretty miserable at times! Since moving to WI, Richard and I have been pals. We go on dates, we go get coffee, we eat ice cream! Am I about to relive the last three years all over again???  OR- has this time apart from us done Stephan some good? He's lived on his own, he's paid his car insurance and his rent. Well, for as long as he had the apartment anyway. He didn't get to live with Travis long enough to pay rent or split rent... whatever they were gonna do...

I don't understand the Travis situation very well. Stephan says he's afraid of him now... Stephan's stuff is still in his apartment and he won't go get it. I duhh no....

Stephan has mentioned coming here, getting a good job, starting school. That all sounds really great. Stephan's said a lot of good things! I'm really believing Stephan says what we want to hear. Richard and I were talking last night on our way home. I said, "How long did it take Stephan to find "Caleb?" How long did it take him to find "Justin?" How long did it take for him to find "Antonio?" You know, it won't take him long to find another "friend" here that drinks and does drugs too! I told Richard that my time of being hopeful is almost over. I'm bracing myself for another episode of  "Days of my Life!" I don't want it to be this way.
I wish I trusted his word more, but I can't.

I can't cure him.... I can't do anything for him! All I can do is let him destroy my demeanor all over again to where I don't want to even face my neighbors out of embarrassment! Now, we're moving into a Condo community, which makes having neighbors even worse!!!! Richard and I don't plan on living here too long, so we went the condo route, now I wish we'd bought a house!

If he gets here and starts it all over again, we will have to tell him to leave... We've done it before. We want to assist him in moving forward, yet he has to help us help him!!! If he won't, we can't do it again....
I can't! Things like this destroy lives and those lives around the addict. It destroys marriages and homes... it's ugly.

God give us wisdom...

Son, Draw Your Sword!

Gheezey weezey...  Poor Stephan, he's been up and down these last few days! My emotions haven't been spared any either! It seems that there was a Building 429 concert at our church we attended in Alabama and I had heard that Stephan was going! Wow! I thought to myself, "I can't believe he's going.. on his own!" This was a major step in the right direction! I was so excited... until a few hours later....

It appears that Stephan and Travis did go to the concert. They were asked to enter the building from the parking lot, because they were caught harassing girls for their phone numbers... Once inside the building, two younger boys were impressing their girlfriends by throwing spit wads at the back of Stephan and Travis' head. Stephan punched on guy in the face then left the sanctuary and headed to the church play ground. During their visit to the church play ground- they were asked to leave church premises! Another issue is that my oldest son, Brandon was on security staff... Brandon was involved in the removal of Stephan and his friend, Travis.

Stephan didn't know that Brandon was on the security staff until the next day when he called "telling on himself" as Stephan always does! I told him that Brandon was on staff- Stephan kept repeating, "OH my gosh, Brandon was on the security staff? OH my gosh... Brandon's on security! OH My GOSH!!" I think for some reason, Stephan was humbly embarrassed. Not sure why... but he was! He even texted (to my surprise) Brandon the next day apologizing! I guess at the church, he just thought Brandon was being "bossy big brother!" Nope... not this time!

As Stephan was telling on himself- I could tell he was also drunk! He and Travis had been doing so well! Long story short- my phone conversation with Stephan ended with one frustrated mom- me.. and one drunk totally frustrated Stephan (because) Travis don't drink... or he didn't until Stephan came along. Of course Stephan and I talked about all this, me, trying my best not to loose it! It seemed that as Stephan and I were talking, Travis left their apartment on foot, drunk, in his underwear! Stephan was mortified! He was really panicked not knowing WHERE he was, WHERE he was going, OR if he would get arrested for public indecency and drunkenness! Stephan said Travis didn't have his phone... and he didn't know weather to go looking for him or not! I told Stephan to stay put!!! I told him HE didn't need to be driving drunk! He said, "oh I never do that!!" I said, "then how did you get home from the church??" He said, "OH yeah!!!" I know I shouldn't have said this... but I did... I said, "Well, you are experiencing a little of what I've been through- through the years with you- it's not fun is it?" He said, "No.. it's not!"  Then he went on to explain how it's easier to pull someone down than to pull someone up and how he know's he a leader and this was all his fault! I DID tell him that Travis "was" also a big boy and he didn't have to drink it!

Well, needless to say... here we go again. Poor Stephan trying his best to learn from the terrible mistakes he makes. One after another... When will he begin to see that all this is an unending battle unless he draws his sword and puts an end to the enemies charge? What will finally be "enough" to make him see that all this never ends well?

Richard and I were walking along Lake Michigan yesterday when we received a call from Stephan. He said that he could now pass a drug test! (No pot in his system!) That's something to praise him for!! And we are very proud of him for that! But... then he told us that Travis is kicking him out! When we asked why, he told us that he had invited Rainey over. (The girl that he broke up with recently.)  Travis told Stephan it was a mistake! I believe Travis' life was a little less eventful before Stephan came along and Travis is wanting him out! Stephan mentioned moving in with Caleb and his parents- but Caleb just had a terrible motorcycle accident and is in a wheelchair AND Caleb just had a baby- AND Caleb's girlfriend lives there too! Stephan lived with Caleb a while back and felt in the way- plus Stephan doesn't need to be there anyway! Lot's of drinking goin' on in that house!!!

I heard Richard tell Stephan that we're always there for him and that we love him! I heard him say that our door is always open! Stephan had mentioned moving up here again. I love Stephan so much! I mean, I'm his mother! I love that boy with all my heart, then some! I see the goodness in him. I see his potential... I constantly remind him of it! Trouble is, Stephan's got to believe it! He's got to start trusting in God and trusting that God can bring out the best in him. I tell you, him moving here and things going topsy-turvy again... Well, my emotions may not be able to handle it! I'm still struggling with this move to WI in so many ways. We just bought a new place, which I'm already ready to move from and we haven't even moved in! The little girl in me wants to "do a Dorothy" from the Wizard of Oz, tap my heels and say, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home..."  I miss Alabama. I miss familiarity. I miss my church. I most especially miss my kids, my little Jeremiah and my home there... I've gotta snap out of it! I know in my heart that God moved us here. There was too much that happened for me not to see it! Stephan's in "boot camp" in a way with us being here! He's having to support himself and his accomplishing that is more than we could have ever imagined 6 months ago!

I guess I'm scared... I don't know if I feel that Stephan is ready yet. I feel he hasn't graduated from the school of hard knocks quite yet. I know he could move here, get a job, maybe start Celebrate Recovery at church... the one we're visiting has one too! He could take classes... but would that happen?
Oh gracious... to fear is to not trust God! I know God is in control...

Let's just see what He does! I am praying..................... that's where my strength and power lies.

On a very positive- Stephan texted Richard the other day ( a long text) with scripture!!! It said that he has got to study to show himself approved, a workman that need not be ashamed.. He said that he can't simply have godly friends to become like Christ, but has to be like Christ to be Christ like! He has to rely on God and His Word before his life can change!  That was good stuff! Sometimes it's like Stephan's on the fence. Well, he is. BUT when Stephan jumps off to God's side- it will be for real! Stephan's not one to make a commitment halfheartedly. He's also not a faker... Praying for my baby today...

Undeniable Praises

For many of you who have been following my blog- Caleb (Stephan's friend) is home and in recovery from his near fatal motorcycle accident. It may take six months before he is walking again... Richard texted him back and forth the other day and as you know- Caleb just became a dad. Life has really taken a new twist for him. He and his girlfriend are living with his parents... Caleb told Richard to pray for them. He said," I didn't think we were gonna make it for a while. Maybe it was the hormones, but she is taking care of me and she's such a good mom. All I am concerned with right now is providing for my family..."

I was like: Wow! Caleb and Stephan both have a foundation and both know what it means to let God guide their life, but through these past few years they have both been to the school of hard knocks by choice!!! For Caleb to care about providing for his family is an ultimate praise! Perhaps this is what God sent Caleb's way to shake him up a bit. His life was spared....!!!!  I told Caleb in a text that God was watching over him that night. I also reminded Caleb that God has plans for his life. Caleb responded with, " I know...thank you, Love you mom!"  Yes, he calls me mom : )

Stephan is continuing to do well living with Travis- He seems upbeat and happier than I've seen him in a really long while... They are still running and working out! Stephan's still working... Since he opted out of his lease with the apartment he was living in with Rainey, he does have a fine to pay and a utility bill to take care of, but he really seems to be doing well. OH-- and I think I mentioned in a previous post that I suggested that Stephan go to a church that his former youth pastor, Joey is now pastor of! Stephan didn't really want to go to the church we were going to when we left Alabama. I guess for Stephan it was difficult... people knowing his past. I understand that. Well, since moving in with Travis.... (They live right across the street from Pastor Joey's church!!!) I mean... right across the STREET!!!!!!  I just smile at how good God is sometimes!!!!!!!

God, continue to protect Stephan with your mighty hand. Provide for his needs... As I've prayed before- send people his way to speak to him and let it be undeniable that it's You.... Draw him close to You and guide him... Thank you for being a patient God and loving us all right where we are....

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Getting Rid of the Past- Pruning Our Tree Many Years Ago....

A letter I sent my oldest son, Brandon and his wife Ellie today. I pray for them as young parents.  They are both so grounded in the Lord and are such a good mommy and daddy to now 5 month old little Jeremiah. I'm so grateful that Richard and I met the Lord and spared Brandon and Stephan a life they never new. When Jesus Christ steps in- the old pass away and all things become new! I am so thankful today... for my life in Him! He took all my junk and made something beautiful out of it. While still not perfect... I strive and struggle to be a little more like Him each day. Parenting never stops... It just takes on a different role. I hope this was encouragement to them today : ) 

From Mom:

A good parent takes all the good stuff that he/she's learned from their parents and writes them down on their "to do" list when they become parents themselves! They also cross out everything that he/she feels that were mistakes made by their parents and claim to never do themselves.... This way, every generation becomes better and better and the children are more and more emotionally healthy and stable. Remember that our children will not go through life without making mistakes... but it's how you handle the mistakes that makes all the difference. It's that solid, Biblical foundation you build that will always give them something firm to stand on.

Dad and I were not perfect at all- we made lots of mistakes!  - We did cross out a bunch of stuff that would hopefully never be passed on... Stuff you guys never even knew about. Sometimes I think back to that time and wonder what you and Stephan would have become if you had been raised in a different environment by a "different" Richard and Christel. That thought is a scary one!  I'm so thankful for the day we and the Lord God wrote out our pros and cons list of married couples in our family tree that we wanted to model our marriage after...  I'm also so thankful that we made our list of pros and cons of things we wanted to pass along to our children......  So... with the Lords help we cut ourselves out of the tree we were planted in and asked the Lord for a new seed! It grew and grew.... I only hope you guys "now" have a little more to work with in your tree than we did. : )  You are already off to a much better start- praise God! And... so much farther ahead than we were at your age. 

I hope that Dad and I can be of great encouragement to you both on your journey. When Jeremiah was born- a new "branch" was started. Now is a good time to start thinking about pruning "your" tree, but--- you don't have to tell us what you cut out! Ha ha!!  I know he will grow into a Godly young man and do great things for our God one day! You guys are already wonderful parents!! Enjoy the journey.... : )  

 

For future reference:       

http://thematernallens.blogspot.com/2010/01/they-are-listening.html

Having Simple Faith

These last few days have been very hard for Stephan. He and Rainey officially broke up. This time may be different. She moved all her belongings out of her and Stephan's apartment one night when Stephan was at work.

I bought Stephan a book on dating. Actually, I bought him two books- the other one was on what to look for in a spouse. He has been reading one of the books! I just about fell out of my seat when he told me he had!! I really was quite certain that the books were a waste of money... but just in case... I purchased them! I should have had more faith... He did tell me that he's only reading the one book. He said he couldn't read two books at once. I was one happy Mama!

Stephan called me one day before they broke up to tell me that he and Rainey were not compatible! He listed several reasons: She was not saved. He was not perfect. He needed to get himself right with God before trying to change her... I also stated in my last post that I reminded Stephan that no one could change Rainey but God. Stephan's searching and still reading the book even though she's gone.

Stephan's rent was due three days ago and he can't pay it. Rainey would have paid the other half if she were still there, but she's not, so Stephan has had to make some decisions. Stephan has become friends with Travis... Travis works with Stephan, lives on his own, is trying to become more responsible (per Stephan.) Stephan said that Travis has done drugs, but doesn't any longer. He did drink some.. but doesn't any more... and he stopped smoking pot, so he could get a higher paying job! Travis has an interview coming up soon and I really hope it works out for him.

Last night, Stephan called us again. I could hear hurt, anger and despair in his voice... He said that Travis had helped him pack up all his stuff in the apartment and it was all waiting to be loaded onto a truck. He said he was moving in with Travis. I really wish- and suggested- that Travis move in with Stephan, because Stephan's apartment was in a much better location! Stephan informed me that Travis just paid his rent and didn't have the money for half of Stephan's, so they could stay there. The thought crossed my mind to pay the other half of Stephan's rent so this could happen, but I stopped the thought before I could even make the decision not to! I can tell that God is really working in Stephan's life right now and I can't get in the way....

He was talking to Richard and I about his drinking and pot again. He said, "I can't drink because it makes me so angry and crazy and I can't smoke pot because it makes me lazy AND I can't get a real job! That's just shot out... I'd rather smoke pot cause I can still drive... but pot is illegal and alcohol is LEGAL!!  It's all a dead end street anyway. I've had so much energy since I quit smoking pot- but gosh, I want some real bad!"
He and Richard went over the benefits of stopping it all. Stephan agreed...

The conversation then turned to girls. It appears that Stephan said some pretty horrible things to Rainey before they broke up. She also had a few choice things to say herself according to Stephan, but Stephan said, "everything I said was true and everything she said was a lie!"  Oh my goodness...
Richard talked to him about building a non-sexual dating relationship with someone. He told Stephan that he needed someone to "date," someone to go get ice cream with, someone to get to know for who they are inside. He reminded him when you throw the sex into a relationship- it's doomed before it's started, because it's based on sex, not who the other person really is and eliminates all the things you need to be considering- like IF you ARE compatible!

Stephan also told us that he and Travis went to church last Wed. night! I was really proud of him. Stephan's searching... He's finding out what he's made of. He's finding out that he can do this...  We asked Stephan if he was praying and he told us no...  He said, " I can't! If I do, -then I mess up, I'll let God down!"
We had Stephan on speaker phone... We gently reminded him that we all mess up and God knows our hearts. Richard told him all he needed to do was pray four words...  I'm. Sorry. Help. Me.
He told Stephan that if he wasn't praying, God couldn't help! He said that these four words was a start and that God hears the prayers of a sincere heart.

I sent Stephan a text this morning...  "God inhabits the prayers of those He loves. When you fall, ask him to pick you up. When you're afraid, ask for His help. When you're scared, ask for His arms to protect you. GOD doesn't want you to abandon Him because of your guilt... He wants your heart and just simple trust. Satan will continually remind you of stuff you feel guilty for, so that you stay away from God. Always remember that faith and "feelings" are not the same thing. FAITH is trusting- although you might be afraid... It's trusting God's direction for your life- more than your own direction for yourself!!"

I hope that as Stephan makes this transition in his life that God shows up more than ever! I pray that God would bring a girl into Stephan's life that he is compatible with... a girl that Loves God more than she loves Stephan! - That's who I pray for.... Maybe it's Rainey... Maybe it's not...

Don't Give Your Struggling Child A Fish- Give Them Tools To Teach Them How...

Richard and I just got back from Alabama! Oh my goodness, was it GOOD to see my boys, Ellie and little Jeremiah!!!! I could hardly wait to get there. Every mile marker we passed brought me closer and closer to the moment I'd been waiting on for weeks! When we arrived at Brandon and Ellie's, she was waiting on us at the door! I physically "ran" to the door for hugs! Jeremiah was asleep... but he woke up within fifteen minutes of our arrival. When we walked in his room and he saw us, I really think he recognized me from facetime, because he looked at me and smiled as if he did know me! Oh, he's precious.... I hardly put him down the entire time we were there...

When we visit Alabama, we always take on a project with our boys... trying to help them do something that takes man power. It's the only time we can be a blessing to them... living so far away is hard sometimes. When Brandon got home from work, he showed us his tornado shelter he had started in the back yard. Long story short- the tornado shelter turned into a fish pond and a small portion of the back porch will become the tornado shelter! Where the original shelter was located, Richard was fearful that it may fill with ground water... so... a short trip to Lowes for pond supplies and a trip to Petco for fish... walah- a fish pond! Their back porch is concrete, so they felt better about building an above ground shelter which can be bolted to the existing concrete... it's in process! We didn't have time to finish that in one week...

As for Stephan- Poor guy... He has just enough stuff to get him by in his apartment. He has a bed, a kitchen table and a TV.... he has some kitchen supplies, dishes etc... Richard and I decided to purchase him a few things like cleaning supplies, a broom, vacuum, mop... a toaster... and we took him a microwave that we had when we first moved to WI. He didn't have but two towels... so we bought some bath towels and kitchen towels and a few things to cook in. I also sat down one afternoon and made him a small recipe book with easy, cheap recipes in it, so he and Rainey can hopefully eat something besides pizza (from where Stephan works) and chicken- (from where Rainey works!) Stephan had lost weight... he doesn't really have any to loose! He thanked us over and over again. We saw his apartment for the first time when we brought him the things we bought. Put it this way- I think he was very thankful for the vacuum!

We had talked about buying him some groceries- because that's what he really needed! After discussion, we decided that since he's still buying beer instead of groceries that we'd assist him in giving him tools to get his apartment clean and livable... and give him a means of helping himself (the recipe book) - and the tools to actually cook a meal! (If you give a hungry man a fish- he will only eat for that day, but if you teach him to fish- he will never go hungry!)  It's so hard to balance how to help sometimes when as a parent, you're pushing toward a greater goal.. which is your son taking care of himself.

I will have to say that he's doing very well considering his circumstances. He and Rainey are in constant battle... they broke up again while we were there! He called me crying and spent the night with us that night because he didn't want to be alone. Our whole family was able to sit and talk to Stephan that night, which was so wonderful!! Stephan's trouble is that he is saved and Rainey isn't... he told me he was saved and why he knows he is. He said that he knew he had this foundation that Rainey doesn't have! He said she can't understand ANYTHING I try to explain to her about relationships... She think's it's ok to have guy friends- one she's slept with before.. and Stephan get's SO angry! Angry enough to punch a hole through the wall in his apartment! His anger issues on this topic are somewhat alcohol related... being intoxicated and coming off the alcohol... but his anger on the topic are also very legitimate! He did tell me and Ellie that he knows he needs to quit beer and pot... although he's not doing either nearly as much as he was! He said, "It's just a dead end street no matter how you look at it,-- it just is!"

I did also buy Stephan a book at Lifeway on dating and marriage. I talked to him about being unequally yoked with a non-believer and living in a sexual relationship unmarried. I told him he was doing it all wrong and these things that keep happening are consequences! We talked about how being in a sexual relationship outside of marriage only complicates things.... he needed to be getting to know Rainey as a person to determine if she was someone he'd "want" to marry and then... the sexual side is all the better, because he would love her through and through! He agreed... but can't change the fact that he is where he is... Well, he could- but that's another baby step down the road that will hopefully happen one day soon.

Stephan knows what he should do.. he just doesn't do it. He has all the right tools embedded inside his heart... he's gotta take them out and use them. First, he's going to have to make an effort and have a desire to change things... then commit!  One more little piece of advice I gave him was that he needed to stop trying to please/change Rainey in their relationship, but to start trying to please God with his relationship to Him! I told Stephan that when he got himself right with God- everything would start to change. Stephan told me that he knew he needed to work on himself before he could start trying to change Rainey! I told Stephan that I agreed... but the only person that could change Rainey was God- not him! I also said to Stephan- "You're a great leader who has the ability to lead... but you've got to get your commitments right, so that Rainey sees a reason to want to follow you!"  Oh, gracious... he's got it all backwards... but he's seeing first hand what not doing it right will do and he's feeling the repercussions of the choices he's making. Baby steps... baby steps! I'm just grateful he's making them...  After all, that's the goal... assisting him in moving forward- even if it takes a while longer than we hope.

Lord, bless my children and keep them safe. Help us to always be a blessing to them... Help them by strengthening their wings, giving them the ability to fly on their own. Allow them to always know how much they are loved. Speak to them in their daily lives. Lead them... Guide them... May Your hand of protection follow them wherever they go. Lord send them other people who come in and out of their daily lives who speak truth in love, who always have a good word to say about You... who will be a Godly influence on them... Lord, be with me today as I miss them all greatly and wish we lived closer. Help me Lord to find the ministry here in WI that you'd have me to do... Help me to be grateful of my circumstances knowing you are going before me. You will never leave me or forsake me even in times of weakness... Give me strength today...

Amen

He's Not Moving!

Woooooooooooooooowww,

Boy things have a way of changing in just a few days. When I last updated the blog, it was Monday and Stephan was still waiting on the apartment. He and Rainey have since broke up- twice! She moved in with her grandmother until the apartment came available and Stephan moved in with Caleb...

Stephan also called me Monday mad as a hornet!!! Rainey had betrayed him and lied to him! He was so upset.... He was hurting, I could tell. He was heart broken! He told me that he was headed to Wisconsin!! That comment woke me up! (Mouth wide open) I asked him to repeat himself... and he did. He said, "yes, last night I packed up my car- had all my stuff, well, except my bedroom set and I was on the interstate headed to BIRMINGHAM!!!" I couldn't help it-- I laughed--- which sorta turned the conversation in a happier direction! Stephan said, "What?" I said, "If you were going to Birmingham headed toward Wisconsin, you were going the WRONG way!!" Stephan laughed himself and realized that he wouldn't have gotten far...
We had a few more laughs after that, which was nice, but then we were back to the fact of the matter which was:  If he and Rainey are not getting back together, he now can't afford his rent! He's homeless... he has a job, but he's homeless...

Tuesday morning, I woke up and read my devotion. As I read I tried to look for ways for it to minister to me... but all I could think of was Stephan. I thought, "I should text him some of this!" I went on in the living room, and got my Ipod out and began looking at facebook. I got a phone call... After the call, I checked my text messages. I had one from Stephan he had sent at 3:45am. It said, " I have went through the worst day ever, sorry I passed out asleep and didn't call you back. I love you guys. Pray for me, I'm not doing good at all. : (  "

In my heart, I knew how awful his situation must be. Not knowing where you're going to live. Living in Caleb's basement wasn't an option long term, plus he felt in the way as he put it. That's why I felt led to send him that devotion- and I hadn't even read his text. God had...  So, I sent him this:

"Hey Baby, GOD is near when we feel lost. Throughout the daily struggles of life we sometimes find ourselves looking for God in the midst of tough situations. We can't see Him or figure out His direction. We start walking.. or driving to Birmingham... Because we don't know what else to do. We end up miles away headed in the wrong direction. All I do know is God always remains in the same place. HE never moves. He is with us always showing us the way, yet we need spiritual eyes to see Him an the path He has for us. Weather it's relationship issues, loneliness, or a struggling faith, there is a way through. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your OWN understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths. Let's pray together. When two or more are gathered. He hears.. I love you sooooooooo much!!!

Richard had also sent Stephan a text: "I have been through many many storms in my life. I want you to let me help you through these days. Allow me to take the experience through difficulty and help you through yours. I know you want to work through things alone. With God you are never alone. I have been praying for you. Give me a call. I love you, Dad.

I didn't hear from Stephan until Tuesday night. He was not good. He was almost crying. He began to tell me how hurt he was. He talked about Rainey... She did betray him... she lied. Won't go into it... He fessed up and told me that Caleb was on Heroin, not pills and that he didn't want to be there any longer. I was actually glad! That's a positive... He told me he wanted to come to Wisconsin and that he'd taken out money...

That night- he also called Richard and talked to him for over an hour. I didn't hear a lot of what they had discussed, but heard Richard giving him loving advise and letting him know we're here... When they hung up, Richard didn't tell me anything I didn't know. Stephan's in a bad spot... He's wanting to move. He wants to get a job here, possibly get his degree...

Taking all this in, I set back and I have hopes... but the thought of him being here also scares the pants off me! No, more than that... scares me to death! I want to help him... Did God move us all the way to Wisconsin for Stephan? Did God know this would happen? Did God allow Stephan to live on his own to teach him something? I'm sure of that, but is he ready? Are we ready?

It's so funny- our house is closing Apr. 26th in Alabama. We just put an offer on a home here, which will close in May... We were supposed to be moved out of this apartment in July. Everything seems to be going exactly according to plan- like clock work! Is Stephan part of the tick, tick ticking? I'm sure he is- but how? I don't know if my heart is ready for him to be here... I have missed him like you can't imagine!!! Oh my goodness! I grieved leaving him in Alabama, although I knew it was right... 100%

I called Stephan this morning- Wednesday. He WAS crying. He had just talked to Rainey. He asked me if his dad had told me what he said last night. I told him some of the things... He said, "Did dad tell you I tried to slit my throat?" My heart fell out of my body and rolled across the floor.. I had to catch my breath for that one. I gently told him, no he did not! I talked with him about it. He didn't cut deep enough to do any real damage, but that's not the point. Anyone who thinks of something and even attempts to act upon it is in trouble! Stephan was also drinking when he did this.... How my heart pleads desperate prayers for him. Earthly wisdom will tell you he needs to stop! Godly wisdom does too... I pray that Stephan will heed to God's whispering. I pray he will hear Him....

Stephan told us that he was driving to WI on Sunday... The Friday before the big move, the apartment place called and they had Stephan's apartment ready! He told me he was still coming... (Saturday) he and Rainey got back together. Stephan made and agreement with Rainey to stop drinking and take anger management classes. He told me he was going to get the apartment and stay in Decatur.....

When Stephan told me that--- To my horror, I felt such a sense of relief! Why relief? Then I felt a sense of guilt for feeling relief! It was quite the moment! I took a deep breath and told Stephan that his dad and I were there for him that he could change his mind. I reminded him of all the good that could come of moving and he turned me down, but I felt I had to offer.

When we hung up the phone, I just cried. I felt so horrible... I was so glad he wasn't coming! It was an answer to prayer! I told Richard that night that ever since we moved here that our marriage was better than it had ever been before and the thoughts of reliving the past where Stephan was concerned scared me to death!!! Ever since I learned of his coming here, I had been really down thinking of what "could" happen! I imagined reliving the Target episode day after day... Our neighbors being mortified at his outbursts! It was more than my imagination could handle! We chose to buy a condo and we have lots of neighbors!

**When I started this post it was April 8th... I had to save it as a draft.. Today is April 22nd. Stephan has been living in his new apartment for one week. Everything seems to be going fine. His car broke down yesterday... but he finally got it to the shop! Ellie went to pick him up this morning to help him get it hauled there. We aren't there to do anything.... Stephan's having to arrange it on his own! It's a good thing....When somebody has to do something- they will. When they don't - they won't!

I really don't feel like Stephan was ready to move here... Perhaps that's why I went through all the emotions I went through. I knew it in my heart. He's still learning.

I prayed for him this morning. Prayer is all I can do that will make any difference at all. I did tell Stephan that there are free anger management classes every Sunday morning! I encouraged him to go to his old Youth Pastor's Church- who is now a Senior Pastor! We will see.

Lord protect Stephan.... Mostly, protect him from himself. Show him that he needs You in his life. Guide him.... Let his sin find him out, so that he will see the error of his ways. Let him know that there is forgiveness and restoration for him to find in You! Let him know that there's healing, hope and comfort in following You.
Amen........

All Things Work Together......

Today is Monday! I texted Stephan off and on over the weekend. He finally had to move out of his apartment that he was living in until the other one is available. He moved into Caleb's basement. You've heard me talk about Caleb in the past. He and Stephan have continued to be friends, but they haven't really "hung out" a lot. You see, Stephan has a girlfriend, Rainey, and Caleb has a girlfriend, Lisa... Girls have a way of "getting" in the way LOL!

We learned that Lisa was pregnant a few months ago. I really believe that this made an impression on Stephan! It gave him a chance to know that these things do happen and CAN happen! Caleb has a Christian background... His parents were missionaries in Bolivia for most of his childhood. Something happened since being back into the States that caused his parents faith to be tested. I don't think they are doing very well right now. They have let Satan get the better of them. I can't imagine how this must feel. I do know that they are excited about the baby. Caleb has 2-3 younger brothers. Caleb lived in the basement of his parents home, but now since Lisa has moved in, they now occupy a younger brothers room and the brother now lives in the basement, along with Stephan. There is drinking there... and Caleb is on pills. Caleb loves Richard and I. He came to visit us when we were in Alabama over Easter. Richard had a great talk with him! It's so funny... In the midst of all Caleb's troubles, he talked about the Lord with Richard. I could tell that he had been "on something" recently. His eyes still reflected the effect. He's a good guy... drowning his sorrow with a pill. Stephan looked awesome! Every time I talk to him he seems fine! Stephan and I talked about him staying with Caleb's family. I told Stephan of my concerns... and Stephan assured me that he wanted to keep his job, he wanted to move  as soon as possible, and he wasn't going to do pills. He told me he quit all that and he wished Caleb would. He told me not to worry. I couldn't help but look at his face- my baby... and say a silent prayer for God to watch over him.

I did talk to Stephan Friday! He called the lady at the apartment complex and it's going to be a while longer before the apartment is available!!! We also let our son, Brandon keep our lawnmower for us until we know what to do with it while we were in Alabama over Easter. We moved it, along with our out building to his house and put in a concrete slab in for it to sit on. Stephan needed gas, oil and a windshield wiper for his car so we helped him out with that. We gave him $60.00

During our conversation Friday, Stephan told me he was down to $20.00 and he didn't get paid till the next Friday! He told me that his tax check had come in, it was in his account, but he didn't want to spend any of it!!! He also said that on top of the $20.00 he had for spending, he "did" have his insurance money in his account as well!  He wanted to know if we could loan him $20-$30.00 until he got paid. I didn't really say anything, I just let him talk. He kept rambling... really what he was doing was thinking out loud- so I let him think! While he was thinking out loud, I was thinking and praying quietly. The thought crossed my mind to transfer a little money- Gosh, I don't want him to starve!!! He WAS budgeting his money and I couldn't be more proud!!! All of a sudden I remembered the money we gave him during Easter and asked him again where it all went. He told me 30 for gas, 15 for the wiper, 5 for oil, and the other was for food and cigarettes! (We bought cigarettes!!) Oh, my....

Well, I can't complain much... He's doing well. The longer he talked he "talked" himself out of borrowing the money!!! He finally said, "Never mind, I'll just get twenty dollars out of my tax money and put it back when I get paid." Wow, did my son actually think of that on his own? YES he did!!!!! I hadn't even offered that advise!!! I'd been quiet as a mouse! It was hard, but- speaking like mama's do... I told him to make sure to put the money back... because money can get gone faster that you realize! His reply to that was: "Oh, don't I know that!!"

I didn't transfer any money.... I was proud of him and I was equally proud of myself. I have to let him figure it out and given the opportunity- be a blessing when we can. We did tell him that we would pay his deposit on his apartment. He has thanked us over and over! He also told me that his tax money was for the first months rent and to have the utilities cut on. As long as he keeps planning and being responsible- Well, I started to say, "I don't worry.." but I do... I still worry. I'm a mama... that's what we do. But I am proud of him....

I sent him a text yesterday afternoon that said, "How's my baby? Are you eating well? He replied that he was, he was going into work soon and that he loved me : )  I replied, "Just know that you are never alone. Me and Dad are only a phone call away.. I love you too, more than you know!!" He told me goodnight and that he'd talk to me tomorrow.

He feels safe. He feels loved. He's on his own... He's doing well/ He's struggling... I guess I feel like we're helping just enough to allow him to help himself. Maybe one day we can be a bigger blessing. Maybe for now, it's what we're supposed to do.

Yesterday, Richard and I went to a different church. It was nice. People were friendly. It felt good. However, before we left for church, Richard was sitting in our office going over the names of God and listening to El Shaddai on youtube.  Today, (Monday-)I was online viewing the service held yesterday at our church in Alabama and I discovered that the name of the service was El Shaddai!!! The Sunday before that was titled Jehovah Jirah!! Weird? Nah?

Our church service in Wisconsin yesterday was titled, "When you suffer." The scripture was out of Job. You don't know how much I needed the message yesterday since this move! I have suffered. I am suffering missing my kids... I'm in an apartment, in a new city, a new state for that matter! I often feel guilty for feeling this way. What I learned yesterday was: Although Jesus suffered more than any man could ever suffer, He is still with me in my suffering. He never wants to remind me that anyone has suffered more- that I need to suck it up! He is compassionate toward "my" suffering and knows that it's real to me and He wants to help me through it. He wants me to remain in Him and let Him guide me.

I find it coincidental that we are torn between two churches- the one we love in Alabama and the one here that God may be speaking to us in His still small voice- leading us through both of them...  But you know, I don't believe in coincidences... I believe in God! I think God allows us to ponder upon things like we do sometimes. I haven't listened to a service in Alabama since we moved! I saw that Kelsey sang on facebook today. It was her first solo- and I wanted to hear her. She was awesome... then I saw the title of the sermon! What in the world inspired Richard to look up the names of God yesterday, then for me to find these titles today?? I don't know? And then, another message on exactly where I am in life... Wow... All things work together... they DO! God speaks through His Word, through His people and through circumstance! All we have to do is open our eyes and ears- He's there! Listen... watch...

He works for the good of those who Love Him and trust Him....

We're Moving- But So Is God!!!!

I guess you will have to read over my last post (September 11th) to truly appreciate this post!

I haven't blogged since September for several reasons. First reason is- We did move to Wisconsin! I've been here for two months now. Before the move, I was extremely depressed. I finally had to stop going to choir practice. I'm not a quitter, but going was painful... All the questions. I had announced that we were moving during one rehearsal, but others who weren't there would ask, "I heard you were moving?" I'd have to explain.. over and over and over. The one statement that hurt the most was: "Isn't your daughter-in-law pregnant? How in the world are you going to leave that baby?" or "I bet you'll miss that baby." or "I bet you're having a hard time leaving that baby aren't you?" Oh my God.. cut me with a knife will you!!! Just gut me right here!!! No one knows the nights I woke up in the middle of the night- not just in a hot sweat, but waking up screaming OUTLOUD waking Richard. This went on for weeks before the move. I felt emotionally tortured within and being at church and people asking stupid gut wrenching questions tore my heart out! I know they meant no harm, but I couldn't physically deal with it! Leaving Jeremiah meant he might not know me. I'm supposed to be there for him. I needed him. I wanted to hold him and to watch him grow. I wanted to be part of his life and for him to come over for visits. Life was not fair right about now. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I needed him to know and love me.

During the "process" of moving -I was extremely depressed. Men came to my house, packing up my stuff and I had to be there to supervise. That meant time away from Brandon, Ellie, Jeremiah and Stephan. I had just spent a month with them since Richard left, but at the time it felt as if it were no time at all. The movers had me packed in two days. My home that I loved was a vast, empty place and I stood in it alone... and just cried. My life seemed to be escaping me.

After the move... I was extremely depressed. Snow was now part of my scenery and there I was on my couch in a foreign place with no one. I had Richard... I'm glad I had him. Sadly, the depression was so bad I didn't leave the couch for about three days. It was me, my iPod and I had discovered the game Hey Day which kept me busy. How had I stooped so low? I'm feeding imaginary chickens for crying out loud!!! It was bad... I felt myself wanting to withdraw from the world. I wanted my life back. I wanted my family and my baby Jeremiah back.

Today, for the first time since "The Big Move," I actually opened my blog to discover that people are reading it. I discovered that people just like me are struggling and needing comfort, advice, prayer...

I took a class once, on Depression when we lived in Oak Ridge, NC. It was at the Billy Graham training Facility in Asheville. I was there for other reasons, but I had a free class.. It was after my father died... I sat there listening to the lady speak. She had cards that pictured different expressions of emotions on them that one may feel, etc. It was pretty generic, but informational. It was when individual people in the class began to ask her questions that things began to spiral downward and out of control. She couldn't answer the questions... Finally, she said, "I can't answer your questions because I have never been personally depressed!"  I was thoroughly upset. I felt deceived! Someone asked, "Then why are you teaching about depression when you've never been depressed? How can you know what we are feeling?" Needless to say... the class didn't end well.

When I started this blog- I felt like my story may help someone... Maybe someone knows what I'm feeling! Maybe others who "do" feel the same way and are experiencing the same struggle with someone they love! I have found this to be true. Other people are going through the same thing I'm going through and when you go it alone... Well, that's a lonely place to be. It helps to talk and to gain strength from others who have walked or are walking in your shoes.


So why was I depressed? The thought of leaving Stephan in Alabama was overwhelming. There were so many uncertainties! Was it the right decision? We had prayed about him going with us and... not going with us...! On one hand, we felt a change may do him good. (You know, new place, new people, new opportunities, new church, a fresh start where no one knows your past.) On the other hand- We could NOT relive the last episode of him being in Wisconsin on a daily basis! (See last post.) NOT an option! The other thing was our relationship with our oldest son and his wife... (see last post!) They were our best friends!!! PLUS- our first grandchild was on the way.... The thought of not watching him grow was grieving to my soul!

Well, backing up, during the process of the move, Stephan was in a pretty depressed state himself. He didn't take it well when the final word came in that we "were" moving. That sent him on a tail spin of sorts. He took every opportunity he could to get high! Things got pretty bad. His anger increased even more... Long story short- there was lots of home improvements that needed to be done to his room when we moved out in order to sell our home. We just left it in God's hands. We told him that we'd like for him to go with us, but we couldn't do the drug thing! We told him we couldn't relive what "went down" the last time we were in Wisconsin!! We gave him examples of opportunities there and reasons to start over. Perhaps it was a chance of a lifetime! Was God moving us for Stephan?? Was God moving us "away" from Stephan?? So many questions that we were seeking answers to in prayer. On the other hand, we also told Stephan that he could stay in Alabama. We wanted to leave the choice up to him, but prayerfully hoping that he would allow God to help him make the choice. 'We" didn't want to interfere with God's plans... but sincerely wanted to know what the plan was!! What we ultimately wanted to do was leave an impression in Stephan's mind that we love him, we want him, but it's his choice as to where he stays! And the choice was his... the ball was in his court! I secretly wanted this to be a new life for him. I did... I pictured him getting a job in WI, finding good friends, going to college... Was it just a dream? I looked back on his track record and told myself that I'm kidding myself!! The scenario of him "staying" in Alabama scared me to death. I didn't even want to think about it. However, as my mind transferred over to what Stephan must be thinking, I knew this was real to him... His parents are moving and he was down to the nitty gritty as far as choices go! The short of it: He had gotten mad and told us he was staying........

When he said that, I wanted to throw up! I cried.... I screamed ( in private.)  I wondered why God was doing this to us! I asked so many questions!! I never try to second guess God, but although I knew He was going before us and the fact that we had actually seen His hand concerning this move; my heart was still tied up in knots! It was clear as day that we were supposed to move, so why am I so perplexed? Is my son going to be ok? Is he going to starve? Where is he going to live? Is he going to get deeper and deeper involved in drugs and...(   )  I can't hardly write the word... I don't want to write it... I won't... write that D word. I just want him to be ok and stay alive! Just be ok... I would pray- "Just take care of him Lord! I know you've got plans for his life... You've showed me that! Please keep him safe!" I tell you, fear set in... It really did.

God continued to remind me in my pain and all my fear that He was in control. Not me! One day, after weeks and weeks of pain and grief with Stephan- Stephan finally broke! He looked at me with the most pitiful look that makes me want to cry even now. He was crying and said, "Why are ya'll moving to Wisconsin and LEAVING me here!!!!!"  I just looked at him and said to him, "Stephan, baby, you know that me and your dad would NEVER, EVER leave you!!!! We LOVE you and want what's best for you. You KNOW you can go with us!!" We embraced and both of us cried. I have never seen such fear and helplessness in his eyes....  He told me that he knew that he couldn't do drugs in Wisconsin and he didn't know if he could quit. We talked for a while and he seemed excited about a fresh start... but then he also wanted to stay in Alabama, because he had a girlfriend. He wanted to go, yet he wanted to stay. I could tell that his thoughts were churning. He had decided to stay again......... but he was pretty overwhelmed at exactly how he was going to do it! BUT, for the first time in his life, he was having to make real decisions for himself- REAL decisions! When someone "has" to do something, they find a way and he finally began a process of his own.

A few days passed. It seemed after Stephan's break down, he changed. I think he felt secure in our love for him, although he knew how much he was loved... we tell him we do everyday! I think he just needed to be reminded of it again. He knew we wanted him to go with us, but it's like once he got passed his feelings and knew he had the choice to go or stay and the choice was his... -  STEPHAN--- started looking for a job and taking control of things! He put in a few applications here and there... Time was running out though. (He would leave with his girlfriend, Rainey to "put in applications" and come home with a few blank ones. He filled out one online... one...  I drove him around town to put in a few myself, because at this point, he still wasn't driving his car again since he was home again! Since he was staying in Alabama, we finally decided to give the car back to make job hunting much easier!  We paid the insurance for the first month to show him that we supported him and Stephan agreed to start paying it after that.. Which was another incentive for him to find a job!! Richard also said that I was NOT going to be his transportation! So, we figured that if he didn't find a job- the insurance would cancel out and he'd be right back where he started, but at least this put him in a situation to where he COULD find a job and HAD to find a job to keep his car - and it would be on him if he didn't! It was pushing him in a good direction and giving him an opportunity to make things different.

Days passed and Stephan's job search was at a stand still. All I knew- is time was running out! I felt so anxious inside about him finding a job since he was so undecided about weather he was going or staying!! God, --then again, stepped in- smacked me upside the head- He reminded me that I didn't need to interfere with Stephan's job hunting, nor did I need to press him on the matter. I need to let Stephan do it, because Stephan is doing exactly what Stephan wants to do! Stephan's return on how much time he invests into looking for a job will be his reward!

For a few weeks he had no luck , although he HAD put in several applications... I noticed that Stephan started cleaning out his room. When Stephan starts cleaning- something good is going on. Stephan off drugs is a clean freak! But this was different. He started gathering things that belonged to his friends -clothes, etc. and returning them! I thought it to be odd. This went on for several days. I also noticed he was spending more time at home with me and his dad. He wanted to pick up a movie and watch it with me etc. He finally told me one day that he couldn't find a job and that maybe God wanted him to go with us! He said, maybe it would be better for him to get away and maybe that's why he wasn't finding one. He also told me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night!!! This was all a little bit "information overload." I didn't know quite how to process it! I was also over joyed that he was speaking of God and actually thinking about what may be best for him and including God in it!!! When he came home- he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend. I did tell him that if he didn't love her, that he didn't need to string her along and if he did, he DIDN"T need to hurt her! I also suggested that he needed to continue to look for a job regardless of weather he stayed or went with us... He did have insurance to pay and perhaps he could transfer his job when we moved.

One day, Stephan came home and "Stephan"- found a job!! He started working at Little Caesars in October of 2012. He did pay his insurance in November.. it was late and he paid a late fee... but hey, he paid it! In November he had made arrangements to move out and live with another guy who was in the military and 28 years old. My first thought was, that at least it wasn't one of the croanie's he'd been hanging with! He also told me that his girlfriend was moving in too. NOT what a mama wants to hear... I guess the positive in all this is: He as a job, he found a place to live on his own, he began discussing his finances with me and Richard and wanted our advise on weather or not he'd be able to afford the rent and his insurance, gas and food! We made him a budget on paper. He could see where all his dollars would go. I believe he felt a sense of confidence in himself- and he moved out that next weekend!

The empty feeling you feel when your baby leaves the nest is as empty as it gets. I was not happy, I was not sad, I was scared, I was hopeful, I was glad, I was mad, I cried, I laughed... I reminisced on his childhood as we packed up awards, footballs, pictures, birthday cards, his favorite pillow... It was the bitterest of bittersweet moments a mother could have. Only he wasn't going away to college. My son was struggling, he was on drugs, he felt a little abandoned and alone... he felt loved, he felt confused and uncertain about his future.... He felt our support and he knows we're there for him, but miles were getting ready to separate us like never before.

Over the next few weeks, he visited often! He was doing well. He smelled of alcohol, but always made time for us weather that was at the house or out to eat. We had a wonderful Christmas... Stephan decided he didn't like earrings any longer! He also wanted an authentic "Polo" shirt- I bought him one as one of his Christmas gifts. I'll take a Polo shirt over scrappy t-shirts any day! He wanted his hair cut... I cut it! Stephan looked nice... He acted nice. He hugged us, told us he loved us. He was coming back to us!

Ellie's belly had grown so much with little one growing inside. We ate, we laughed... Brandon, Richard and Stephan arm wrestled... Stephan started going to church with us! YES he did....  At first he didn't go to Bible Study- only church... He felt like everyone was starring or maybe judging, but you know, once he was there and people loved on him-- he started going to our Bible Study class. It was an answer to prayer... I've told Stephan that church is sometimes referred to as a "hospital" for Christians, because we are all broken and struggle in different areas- that's why Jesus died for us. Without His sacrifice on the cross for us all, we would all surely perish- because we are all infected with sin!

Little Jeremiah was born!!! What an awesome day... Oh, he looks so much like my Brandon... Stephan looked at Brandon and said, "I can't believe you're a dad!" Then he laughed...  Stephan held Jeremiah with such love, starring into his little face and rubbing his little hands... Stephan fell in love, as we all did! He's such a little joy! I had never been in love like this before... wow! He stole my heart.

The day came for Richard to leave. I think this day was probably the worst day of my life. It all became real. Richard's mother and sister were there from NC. I was holding back tears for three days before Richard left and cried when no one was around. My eyes were so swollen all those days! Richard told us all bye. He went around the room and hugged everyone. We all cried. I walked him out and after a few moments, Stephan came outside and sat on the steps. I motioned for him to come to the truck and he did. He was crying... We all had another group hug. OH goodness, this was so hard. I had another month in Alabama, but knowing that Stephan was feeling like his dad was leaving for good was so hard to watch. I think we said, "I love you" a hundred times...  Stephan went back inside and Richard and I hugged some more. When he left, it all came crashing down!!! I cried uncontrollably. I started screaming out on the front porch and couldn't stop! I can't explain it. It was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced- Thoughts were flooding my head about Brandon and Ellie, new little Jeremiah, Stephan!!! How am I going to do this???? I can't do this!!! I can't move... Richard's mother had to come outside. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I tell you- words can't express the feelings I had that day. I upset everyone. Ellie ran upstairs. Brandon and Stephan were crying. Richard's mother and sister were crying. It was terrible..... but... Finally- we were all breathing again. My tears subsided. I went to the bathroom to discover dried pieces of toilet paper all over my face. I was a sight!

I spent time with my kids more the next month like never before! I was at Brandon and Ellie's helping with the baby most of the time. Stephan would come by when he was off work. I also had "all" the kids over for meals at my house several times : ) It was a good time...

Stephan and I had lunch together often. It was good to have that one on one time with him. We discussed how he was doing. He was still paying rent, working and paying car insurance!! He told me that he couldn't afford much- He also told me that he quit doing chemical drugs during that time. He told me he couldn't keep a job doing junk like that and he didn't want to get fired. He said, I'm just smoking weed and drinking! I have to laugh inside. Years ago, this would have been terrible news, but that day- it was great news! It was awesome news!! He also added that he hated "parties" and he couldn't wait to have a place of his own.

Was my Stephan growing up?

Richard flew back to Alabama to drive me and my car up. He had been in WI for one month and going stir crazy! He needed meatloaf!! : ) However, the week before he came was numbing. The movers were there packing up all my stuff! I had decided to let them do it all, so I could spend more time with the kids. I tell you, I loved my house, I loved where I lived, I love my kids, I love my church, I love my friends... It seemed that I was having to leave absolutely (everything) I loved! We had also seen the hand of God in this move, yet, I couldn't figure out why I felt so forsaken... How is this God's plan? Why is this God's plan?

The day we left was just grievous for me. I held on to Jeremiah and dreaded having to let him go.  I took him in his bedroom, sat down in the rocking chair, held him and cried forever. How could I leave him? My heart was being ripped from my chest... My sons- I watched them grow into young men. Why was God separating us! My Ellie, had become my BFF! (Best friend forever!) We did everything together! My hopes and dreams of watching my boys have families of their own and grandchildren wrapped around my feet were becoming uncertain. I won't be able to have a jungle gym in the back yard now. I won't be cooking Sunday dinner, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner... What about the desires of MY heart?? I prayed for this for years! Lord, what now?? This is not fair...

All I know, is that God does... "know." He knows the plans he has for us...- (Jeremiah 29:11.)
Since my last post some things have happened. I have to say it's answered prayers! God is good! Sometimes answered prayers is not what you expect it to be:

*Brandon didn't get the job we'd hoped for as mentioned in my last post.... He got another one just as good!!! A job we never, ever in a million years ever think he'd get, nor was it available when we moved, nor did we ever imagine it would be! Someone quit out of the blue...! Brandon had to travel to NC to train for it for two weeks... He got a $6.50 raise! Ellie doesn't have to worry about going back to work now! Brandon never would have been eligible for this job if Richard were still plant manager, because like I said, Brandon can't work under Richard! God can do some amazing things! We didn't see that one coming!

*Stephan still has a job at Little Caesars and told me during my (March 1st) visit to Alabama that he is trying to stop smoking pot, so he can get a better job! He said he's just drinking...  Note: My earlier conversation before we moved was Stephan telling me he quit chemical drugs and was just smoking pot and drinking! This is progress....This is progress...! His car insurance is getting paid on time now! He's moving out of the apartment with the other guy and is moving into his own apartment! His girlfriend is moving in too... again, not my best advice, but God is working in Stephan's life in so many ways. (Rome wasn't built in a day and Billy Graham didn't become an evangelist over night!) He spends a lot of time with his brother, Brandon, and Ellie since we're gone. The apartment he's moving to is very family friendly- not the ghetto! I helped Stephan find the apartment online and I really, really have a good feeling about it. He went and filled out the application, got approved, now he's waiting for one to come available.

*Stephan came over to Ellie's the other day for a visit and they took Jeremiah for a stroll. Ellie called me so excited and said that Stephan just blew her mind!!!! I'm like- "Tell it girl!!! Tell it!!!" She said that they were walking and talking and Stephan was telling her about all the things he put me and his dad through. He said, "I used to hate it when they would lecture me. OH, I'd get so mad... they just went on ..and on ..and ON!!! Dad thought I wasn't listening, but I was....  I HATED it when they would tell me where I could go, where I couldn't go, who I could hang out with and who I couldn't!!  I usually did the opposite of everything they told me not to do... You know, I realize now that they were lecturing me because they love me and were trying to protect me! I GET IT NOW!!!! I find myself giving advise to others and it's exactly what my parents used to tell ME!!"  He ended by telling Ellie this: He said, " I have good parents, you know? I know they love me and always just wanted what was best for me..."

The next morning after Ellie told me this, Richard and I both received a text from Stephan (at 6:45 in the morning) that said: "I love you..."  That's all it said... That's all I needed to hear. I cried tears of joy... My son is growing. He's taken control of his own life. He's doing it! He's eating at Taco Bell because it's cheap, but he's doing it!

I have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 for Stephan's life:  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The other day I was reading and read verse 12 and 13...   "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."

Stephan called a few days ago and told me he was praying about his apartment. Praying!! Wow... It brought those verses to mind. I told him to keep praying and let God guide him, that God would never lead him astray... He said he knew.

Lord, watch over him, keep him safe and guide him................. Help me to trust You even when I don't understand your ways. I know that you have our best interests in mind.... because Your Word says that all things work together... Even moving to Wisconsin when I didn't want too.