Gheezey weezey... Poor Stephan, he's been up and down these last few days! My emotions haven't been spared any either! It seems that there was a Building 429 concert at our church we attended in Alabama and I had heard that Stephan was going! Wow! I thought to myself, "I can't believe he's going.. on his own!" This was a major step in the right direction! I was so excited... until a few hours later....
It appears that Stephan and Travis did go to the concert. They were asked to enter the building from the parking lot, because they were caught harassing girls for their phone numbers... Once inside the building, two younger boys were impressing their girlfriends by throwing spit wads at the back of Stephan and Travis' head. Stephan punched on guy in the face then left the sanctuary and headed to the church play ground. During their visit to the church play ground- they were asked to leave church premises! Another issue is that my oldest son, Brandon was on security staff... Brandon was involved in the removal of Stephan and his friend, Travis.
Stephan didn't know that Brandon was on the security staff until the next day when he called "telling on himself" as Stephan always does! I told him that Brandon was on staff- Stephan kept repeating, "OH my gosh, Brandon was on the security staff? OH my gosh... Brandon's on security! OH My GOSH!!" I think for some reason, Stephan was humbly embarrassed. Not sure why... but he was! He even texted (to my surprise) Brandon the next day apologizing! I guess at the church, he just thought Brandon was being "bossy big brother!" Nope... not this time!
As Stephan was telling on himself- I could tell he was also drunk! He and Travis had been doing so well! Long story short- my phone conversation with Stephan ended with one frustrated mom- me.. and one drunk totally frustrated Stephan (because) Travis don't drink... or he didn't until Stephan came along. Of course Stephan and I talked about all this, me, trying my best not to loose it! It seemed that as Stephan and I were talking, Travis left their apartment on foot, drunk, in his underwear! Stephan was mortified! He was really panicked not knowing WHERE he was, WHERE he was going, OR if he would get arrested for public indecency and drunkenness! Stephan said Travis didn't have his phone... and he didn't know weather to go looking for him or not! I told Stephan to stay put!!! I told him HE didn't need to be driving drunk! He said, "oh I never do that!!" I said, "then how did you get home from the church??" He said, "OH yeah!!!" I know I shouldn't have said this... but I did... I said, "Well, you are experiencing a little of what I've been through- through the years with you- it's not fun is it?" He said, "No.. it's not!" Then he went on to explain how it's easier to pull someone down than to pull someone up and how he know's he a leader and this was all his fault! I DID tell him that Travis "was" also a big boy and he didn't have to drink it!
Well, needless to say... here we go again. Poor Stephan trying his best to learn from the terrible mistakes he makes. One after another... When will he begin to see that all this is an unending battle unless he draws his sword and puts an end to the enemies charge? What will finally be "enough" to make him see that all this never ends well?
Richard and I were walking along Lake Michigan yesterday when we received a call from Stephan. He said that he could now pass a drug test! (No pot in his system!) That's something to praise him for!! And we are very proud of him for that! But... then he told us that Travis is kicking him out! When we asked why, he told us that he had invited Rainey over. (The girl that he broke up with recently.) Travis told Stephan it was a mistake! I believe Travis' life was a little less eventful before Stephan came along and Travis is wanting him out! Stephan mentioned moving in with Caleb and his parents- but Caleb just had a terrible motorcycle accident and is in a wheelchair AND Caleb just had a baby- AND Caleb's girlfriend lives there too! Stephan lived with Caleb a while back and felt in the way- plus Stephan doesn't need to be there anyway! Lot's of drinking goin' on in that house!!!
I heard Richard tell Stephan that we're always there for him and that we love him! I heard him say that our door is always open! Stephan had mentioned moving up here again. I love Stephan so much! I mean, I'm his mother! I love that boy with all my heart, then some! I see the goodness in him. I see his potential... I constantly remind him of it! Trouble is, Stephan's got to believe it! He's got to start trusting in God and trusting that God can bring out the best in him. I tell you, him moving here and things going topsy-turvy again... Well, my emotions may not be able to handle it! I'm still struggling with this move to WI in so many ways. We just bought a new place, which I'm already ready to move from and we haven't even moved in! The little girl in me wants to "do a Dorothy" from the Wizard of Oz, tap my heels and say, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home..." I miss Alabama. I miss familiarity. I miss my church. I most especially miss my kids, my little Jeremiah and my home there... I've gotta snap out of it! I know in my heart that God moved us here. There was too much that happened for me not to see it! Stephan's in "boot camp" in a way with us being here! He's having to support himself and his accomplishing that is more than we could have ever imagined 6 months ago!
I guess I'm scared... I don't know if I feel that Stephan is ready yet. I feel he hasn't graduated from the school of hard knocks quite yet. I know he could move here, get a job, maybe start Celebrate Recovery at church... the one we're visiting has one too! He could take classes... but would that happen?
Oh gracious... to fear is to not trust God! I know God is in control...
Let's just see what He does! I am praying..................... that's where my strength and power lies.
On a very positive- Stephan texted Richard the other day ( a long text) with scripture!!! It said that he has got to study to show himself approved, a workman that need not be ashamed.. He said that he can't simply have godly friends to become like Christ, but has to be like Christ to be Christ like! He has to rely on God and His Word before his life can change! That was good stuff! Sometimes it's like Stephan's on the fence. Well, he is. BUT when Stephan jumps off to God's side- it will be for real! Stephan's not one to make a commitment halfheartedly. He's also not a faker... Praying for my baby today...
Monday, June 17, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Undeniable Praises
For many of you who have been following my blog- Caleb (Stephan's friend) is home and in recovery from his near fatal motorcycle accident. It may take six months before he is walking again... Richard texted him back and forth the other day and as you know- Caleb just became a dad. Life has really taken a new twist for him. He and his girlfriend are living with his parents... Caleb told Richard to pray for them. He said," I didn't think we were gonna make it for a while. Maybe it was the hormones, but she is taking care of me and she's such a good mom. All I am concerned with right now is providing for my family..."
I was like: Wow! Caleb and Stephan both have a foundation and both know what it means to let God guide their life, but through these past few years they have both been to the school of hard knocks by choice!!! For Caleb to care about providing for his family is an ultimate praise! Perhaps this is what God sent Caleb's way to shake him up a bit. His life was spared....!!!! I told Caleb in a text that God was watching over him that night. I also reminded Caleb that God has plans for his life. Caleb responded with, " I know...thank you, Love you mom!" Yes, he calls me mom : )
Stephan is continuing to do well living with Travis- He seems upbeat and happier than I've seen him in a really long while... They are still running and working out! Stephan's still working... Since he opted out of his lease with the apartment he was living in with Rainey, he does have a fine to pay and a utility bill to take care of, but he really seems to be doing well. OH-- and I think I mentioned in a previous post that I suggested that Stephan go to a church that his former youth pastor, Joey is now pastor of! Stephan didn't really want to go to the church we were going to when we left Alabama. I guess for Stephan it was difficult... people knowing his past. I understand that. Well, since moving in with Travis.... (They live right across the street from Pastor Joey's church!!!) I mean... right across the STREET!!!!!! I just smile at how good God is sometimes!!!!!!!
God, continue to protect Stephan with your mighty hand. Provide for his needs... As I've prayed before- send people his way to speak to him and let it be undeniable that it's You.... Draw him close to You and guide him... Thank you for being a patient God and loving us all right where we are....
In Jesus Name,
Amen
I was like: Wow! Caleb and Stephan both have a foundation and both know what it means to let God guide their life, but through these past few years they have both been to the school of hard knocks by choice!!! For Caleb to care about providing for his family is an ultimate praise! Perhaps this is what God sent Caleb's way to shake him up a bit. His life was spared....!!!! I told Caleb in a text that God was watching over him that night. I also reminded Caleb that God has plans for his life. Caleb responded with, " I know...thank you, Love you mom!" Yes, he calls me mom : )
Stephan is continuing to do well living with Travis- He seems upbeat and happier than I've seen him in a really long while... They are still running and working out! Stephan's still working... Since he opted out of his lease with the apartment he was living in with Rainey, he does have a fine to pay and a utility bill to take care of, but he really seems to be doing well. OH-- and I think I mentioned in a previous post that I suggested that Stephan go to a church that his former youth pastor, Joey is now pastor of! Stephan didn't really want to go to the church we were going to when we left Alabama. I guess for Stephan it was difficult... people knowing his past. I understand that. Well, since moving in with Travis.... (They live right across the street from Pastor Joey's church!!!) I mean... right across the STREET!!!!!! I just smile at how good God is sometimes!!!!!!!
God, continue to protect Stephan with your mighty hand. Provide for his needs... As I've prayed before- send people his way to speak to him and let it be undeniable that it's You.... Draw him close to You and guide him... Thank you for being a patient God and loving us all right where we are....
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Getting Rid of the Past- Pruning Our Tree Many Years Ago....
A letter I sent my oldest son, Brandon and his wife Ellie today. I pray for them as young parents. They are both so grounded in the Lord and are such a good mommy and daddy to now 5 month old little Jeremiah. I'm so grateful that Richard and I met the Lord and spared Brandon and Stephan a life they never new. When Jesus Christ steps in- the old pass away and all things become new! I am so thankful today... for my life in Him! He took all my junk and made something beautiful out of it. While still not perfect... I strive and struggle to be a little more like Him each day. Parenting never stops... It just takes on a different role. I hope this was encouragement to them today : )
From Mom:
A good parent takes all the good stuff that he/she's learned from their parents and writes them down on their "to do" list when they become parents themselves! They also cross out everything that he/she feels that were mistakes made by their parents and claim to never do themselves.... This way, every generation becomes better and better and the children are more and more emotionally healthy and stable. Remember that our children will not go through life without making mistakes... but it's how you handle the mistakes that makes all the difference. It's that solid, Biblical foundation you build that will always give them something firm to stand on.
Dad and I were not perfect at all- we made lots of mistakes! - We did cross out a bunch of stuff that would hopefully never be passed on... Stuff you guys never even knew about. Sometimes I think back to that time and wonder what you and Stephan would have become if you had been raised in a different environment by a "different" Richard and Christel. That thought is a scary one! I'm so thankful for the day we and the Lord God wrote out our pros and cons list of married couples in our family tree that we wanted to model our marriage after... I'm also so thankful that we made our list of pros and cons of things we wanted to pass along to our children...... So... with the Lords help we cut ourselves out of the tree we were planted in and asked the Lord for a new seed! It grew and grew.... I only hope you guys "now" have a little more to work with in your tree than we did. : ) You are already off to a much better start- praise God! And... so much farther ahead than we were at your age.
I hope that Dad and I can be of great encouragement to you both on your journey. When Jeremiah was born- a new "branch" was started. Now is a good time to start thinking about pruning "your" tree, but--- you don't have to tell us what you cut out! Ha ha!! I know he will grow into a Godly young man and do great things for our God one day! You guys are already wonderful parents!! Enjoy the journey.... : )
For future reference: 
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Having Simple Faith
These last few days have been very hard for Stephan. He and Rainey officially broke up. This time may be different. She moved all her belongings out of her and Stephan's apartment one night when Stephan was at work.
I bought Stephan a book on dating. Actually, I bought him two books- the other one was on what to look for in a spouse. He has been reading one of the books! I just about fell out of my seat when he told me he had!! I really was quite certain that the books were a waste of money... but just in case... I purchased them! I should have had more faith... He did tell me that he's only reading the one book. He said he couldn't read two books at once. I was one happy Mama!
Stephan called me one day before they broke up to tell me that he and Rainey were not compatible! He listed several reasons: She was not saved. He was not perfect. He needed to get himself right with God before trying to change her... I also stated in my last post that I reminded Stephan that no one could change Rainey but God. Stephan's searching and still reading the book even though she's gone.
Stephan's rent was due three days ago and he can't pay it. Rainey would have paid the other half if she were still there, but she's not, so Stephan has had to make some decisions. Stephan has become friends with Travis... Travis works with Stephan, lives on his own, is trying to become more responsible (per Stephan.) Stephan said that Travis has done drugs, but doesn't any longer. He did drink some.. but doesn't any more... and he stopped smoking pot, so he could get a higher paying job! Travis has an interview coming up soon and I really hope it works out for him.
Last night, Stephan called us again. I could hear hurt, anger and despair in his voice... He said that Travis had helped him pack up all his stuff in the apartment and it was all waiting to be loaded onto a truck. He said he was moving in with Travis. I really wish- and suggested- that Travis move in with Stephan, because Stephan's apartment was in a much better location! Stephan informed me that Travis just paid his rent and didn't have the money for half of Stephan's, so they could stay there. The thought crossed my mind to pay the other half of Stephan's rent so this could happen, but I stopped the thought before I could even make the decision not to! I can tell that God is really working in Stephan's life right now and I can't get in the way....
He was talking to Richard and I about his drinking and pot again. He said, "I can't drink because it makes me so angry and crazy and I can't smoke pot because it makes me lazy AND I can't get a real job! That's just shot out... I'd rather smoke pot cause I can still drive... but pot is illegal and alcohol is LEGAL!! It's all a dead end street anyway. I've had so much energy since I quit smoking pot- but gosh, I want some real bad!"
He and Richard went over the benefits of stopping it all. Stephan agreed...
The conversation then turned to girls. It appears that Stephan said some pretty horrible things to Rainey before they broke up. She also had a few choice things to say herself according to Stephan, but Stephan said, "everything I said was true and everything she said was a lie!" Oh my goodness...
Richard talked to him about building a non-sexual dating relationship with someone. He told Stephan that he needed someone to "date," someone to go get ice cream with, someone to get to know for who they are inside. He reminded him when you throw the sex into a relationship- it's doomed before it's started, because it's based on sex, not who the other person really is and eliminates all the things you need to be considering- like IF you ARE compatible!
Stephan also told us that he and Travis went to church last Wed. night! I was really proud of him. Stephan's searching... He's finding out what he's made of. He's finding out that he can do this... We asked Stephan if he was praying and he told us no... He said, " I can't! If I do, -then I mess up, I'll let God down!"
We had Stephan on speaker phone... We gently reminded him that we all mess up and God knows our hearts. Richard told him all he needed to do was pray four words... I'm. Sorry. Help. Me.
He told Stephan that if he wasn't praying, God couldn't help! He said that these four words was a start and that God hears the prayers of a sincere heart.
I sent Stephan a text this morning... "God inhabits the prayers of those He loves. When you fall, ask him to pick you up. When you're afraid, ask for His help. When you're scared, ask for His arms to protect you. GOD doesn't want you to abandon Him because of your guilt... He wants your heart and just simple trust. Satan will continually remind you of stuff you feel guilty for, so that you stay away from God. Always remember that faith and "feelings" are not the same thing. FAITH is trusting- although you might be afraid... It's trusting God's direction for your life- more than your own direction for yourself!!"
I hope that as Stephan makes this transition in his life that God shows up more than ever! I pray that God would bring a girl into Stephan's life that he is compatible with... a girl that Loves God more than she loves Stephan! - That's who I pray for.... Maybe it's Rainey... Maybe it's not...
I bought Stephan a book on dating. Actually, I bought him two books- the other one was on what to look for in a spouse. He has been reading one of the books! I just about fell out of my seat when he told me he had!! I really was quite certain that the books were a waste of money... but just in case... I purchased them! I should have had more faith... He did tell me that he's only reading the one book. He said he couldn't read two books at once. I was one happy Mama!
Stephan called me one day before they broke up to tell me that he and Rainey were not compatible! He listed several reasons: She was not saved. He was not perfect. He needed to get himself right with God before trying to change her... I also stated in my last post that I reminded Stephan that no one could change Rainey but God. Stephan's searching and still reading the book even though she's gone.
Stephan's rent was due three days ago and he can't pay it. Rainey would have paid the other half if she were still there, but she's not, so Stephan has had to make some decisions. Stephan has become friends with Travis... Travis works with Stephan, lives on his own, is trying to become more responsible (per Stephan.) Stephan said that Travis has done drugs, but doesn't any longer. He did drink some.. but doesn't any more... and he stopped smoking pot, so he could get a higher paying job! Travis has an interview coming up soon and I really hope it works out for him.
Last night, Stephan called us again. I could hear hurt, anger and despair in his voice... He said that Travis had helped him pack up all his stuff in the apartment and it was all waiting to be loaded onto a truck. He said he was moving in with Travis. I really wish- and suggested- that Travis move in with Stephan, because Stephan's apartment was in a much better location! Stephan informed me that Travis just paid his rent and didn't have the money for half of Stephan's, so they could stay there. The thought crossed my mind to pay the other half of Stephan's rent so this could happen, but I stopped the thought before I could even make the decision not to! I can tell that God is really working in Stephan's life right now and I can't get in the way....
He was talking to Richard and I about his drinking and pot again. He said, "I can't drink because it makes me so angry and crazy and I can't smoke pot because it makes me lazy AND I can't get a real job! That's just shot out... I'd rather smoke pot cause I can still drive... but pot is illegal and alcohol is LEGAL!! It's all a dead end street anyway. I've had so much energy since I quit smoking pot- but gosh, I want some real bad!"
He and Richard went over the benefits of stopping it all. Stephan agreed...
The conversation then turned to girls. It appears that Stephan said some pretty horrible things to Rainey before they broke up. She also had a few choice things to say herself according to Stephan, but Stephan said, "everything I said was true and everything she said was a lie!" Oh my goodness...
Richard talked to him about building a non-sexual dating relationship with someone. He told Stephan that he needed someone to "date," someone to go get ice cream with, someone to get to know for who they are inside. He reminded him when you throw the sex into a relationship- it's doomed before it's started, because it's based on sex, not who the other person really is and eliminates all the things you need to be considering- like IF you ARE compatible!
Stephan also told us that he and Travis went to church last Wed. night! I was really proud of him. Stephan's searching... He's finding out what he's made of. He's finding out that he can do this... We asked Stephan if he was praying and he told us no... He said, " I can't! If I do, -then I mess up, I'll let God down!"
We had Stephan on speaker phone... We gently reminded him that we all mess up and God knows our hearts. Richard told him all he needed to do was pray four words... I'm. Sorry. Help. Me.
He told Stephan that if he wasn't praying, God couldn't help! He said that these four words was a start and that God hears the prayers of a sincere heart.
I sent Stephan a text this morning... "God inhabits the prayers of those He loves. When you fall, ask him to pick you up. When you're afraid, ask for His help. When you're scared, ask for His arms to protect you. GOD doesn't want you to abandon Him because of your guilt... He wants your heart and just simple trust. Satan will continually remind you of stuff you feel guilty for, so that you stay away from God. Always remember that faith and "feelings" are not the same thing. FAITH is trusting- although you might be afraid... It's trusting God's direction for your life- more than your own direction for yourself!!"
I hope that as Stephan makes this transition in his life that God shows up more than ever! I pray that God would bring a girl into Stephan's life that he is compatible with... a girl that Loves God more than she loves Stephan! - That's who I pray for.... Maybe it's Rainey... Maybe it's not...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Don't Give Your Struggling Child A Fish- Give Them Tools To Teach Them How...
Richard and I just got back from Alabama! Oh my goodness, was it GOOD to see my boys, Ellie and little Jeremiah!!!! I could hardly wait to get there. Every mile marker we passed brought me closer and closer to the moment I'd been waiting on for weeks! When we arrived at Brandon and Ellie's, she was waiting on us at the door! I physically "ran" to the door for hugs! Jeremiah was asleep... but he woke up within fifteen minutes of our arrival. When we walked in his room and he saw us, I really think he recognized me from facetime, because he looked at me and smiled as if he did know me! Oh, he's precious.... I hardly put him down the entire time we were there...
When we visit Alabama, we always take on a project with our boys... trying to help them do something that takes man power. It's the only time we can be a blessing to them... living so far away is hard sometimes. When Brandon got home from work, he showed us his tornado shelter he had started in the back yard. Long story short- the tornado shelter turned into a fish pond and a small portion of the back porch will become the tornado shelter! Where the original shelter was located, Richard was fearful that it may fill with ground water... so... a short trip to Lowes for pond supplies and a trip to Petco for fish... walah- a fish pond! Their back porch is concrete, so they felt better about building an above ground shelter which can be bolted to the existing concrete... it's in process! We didn't have time to finish that in one week...
As for Stephan- Poor guy... He has just enough stuff to get him by in his apartment. He has a bed, a kitchen table and a TV.... he has some kitchen supplies, dishes etc... Richard and I decided to purchase him a few things like cleaning supplies, a broom, vacuum, mop... a toaster... and we took him a microwave that we had when we first moved to WI. He didn't have but two towels... so we bought some bath towels and kitchen towels and a few things to cook in. I also sat down one afternoon and made him a small recipe book with easy, cheap recipes in it, so he and Rainey can hopefully eat something besides pizza (from where Stephan works) and chicken- (from where Rainey works!) Stephan had lost weight... he doesn't really have any to loose! He thanked us over and over again. We saw his apartment for the first time when we brought him the things we bought. Put it this way- I think he was very thankful for the vacuum!
We had talked about buying him some groceries- because that's what he really needed! After discussion, we decided that since he's still buying beer instead of groceries that we'd assist him in giving him tools to get his apartment clean and livable... and give him a means of helping himself (the recipe book) - and the tools to actually cook a meal! (If you give a hungry man a fish- he will only eat for that day, but if you teach him to fish- he will never go hungry!) It's so hard to balance how to help sometimes when as a parent, you're pushing toward a greater goal.. which is your son taking care of himself.
I will have to say that he's doing very well considering his circumstances. He and Rainey are in constant battle... they broke up again while we were there! He called me crying and spent the night with us that night because he didn't want to be alone. Our whole family was able to sit and talk to Stephan that night, which was so wonderful!! Stephan's trouble is that he is saved and Rainey isn't... he told me he was saved and why he knows he is. He said that he knew he had this foundation that Rainey doesn't have! He said she can't understand ANYTHING I try to explain to her about relationships... She think's it's ok to have guy friends- one she's slept with before.. and Stephan get's SO angry! Angry enough to punch a hole through the wall in his apartment! His anger issues on this topic are somewhat alcohol related... being intoxicated and coming off the alcohol... but his anger on the topic are also very legitimate! He did tell me and Ellie that he knows he needs to quit beer and pot... although he's not doing either nearly as much as he was! He said, "It's just a dead end street no matter how you look at it,-- it just is!"
I did also buy Stephan a book at Lifeway on dating and marriage. I talked to him about being unequally yoked with a non-believer and living in a sexual relationship unmarried. I told him he was doing it all wrong and these things that keep happening are consequences! We talked about how being in a sexual relationship outside of marriage only complicates things.... he needed to be getting to know Rainey as a person to determine if she was someone he'd "want" to marry and then... the sexual side is all the better, because he would love her through and through! He agreed... but can't change the fact that he is where he is... Well, he could- but that's another baby step down the road that will hopefully happen one day soon.
Stephan knows what he should do.. he just doesn't do it. He has all the right tools embedded inside his heart... he's gotta take them out and use them. First, he's going to have to make an effort and have a desire to change things... then commit! One more little piece of advice I gave him was that he needed to stop trying to please/change Rainey in their relationship, but to start trying to please God with his relationship to Him! I told Stephan that when he got himself right with God- everything would start to change. Stephan told me that he knew he needed to work on himself before he could start trying to change Rainey! I told Stephan that I agreed... but the only person that could change Rainey was God- not him! I also said to Stephan- "You're a great leader who has the ability to lead... but you've got to get your commitments right, so that Rainey sees a reason to want to follow you!" Oh, gracious... he's got it all backwards... but he's seeing first hand what not doing it right will do and he's feeling the repercussions of the choices he's making. Baby steps... baby steps! I'm just grateful he's making them... After all, that's the goal... assisting him in moving forward- even if it takes a while longer than we hope.
Lord, bless my children and keep them safe. Help us to always be a blessing to them... Help them by strengthening their wings, giving them the ability to fly on their own. Allow them to always know how much they are loved. Speak to them in their daily lives. Lead them... Guide them... May Your hand of protection follow them wherever they go. Lord send them other people who come in and out of their daily lives who speak truth in love, who always have a good word to say about You... who will be a Godly influence on them... Lord, be with me today as I miss them all greatly and wish we lived closer. Help me Lord to find the ministry here in WI that you'd have me to do... Help me to be grateful of my circumstances knowing you are going before me. You will never leave me or forsake me even in times of weakness... Give me strength today...
Amen
When we visit Alabama, we always take on a project with our boys... trying to help them do something that takes man power. It's the only time we can be a blessing to them... living so far away is hard sometimes. When Brandon got home from work, he showed us his tornado shelter he had started in the back yard. Long story short- the tornado shelter turned into a fish pond and a small portion of the back porch will become the tornado shelter! Where the original shelter was located, Richard was fearful that it may fill with ground water... so... a short trip to Lowes for pond supplies and a trip to Petco for fish... walah- a fish pond! Their back porch is concrete, so they felt better about building an above ground shelter which can be bolted to the existing concrete... it's in process! We didn't have time to finish that in one week...
As for Stephan- Poor guy... He has just enough stuff to get him by in his apartment. He has a bed, a kitchen table and a TV.... he has some kitchen supplies, dishes etc... Richard and I decided to purchase him a few things like cleaning supplies, a broom, vacuum, mop... a toaster... and we took him a microwave that we had when we first moved to WI. He didn't have but two towels... so we bought some bath towels and kitchen towels and a few things to cook in. I also sat down one afternoon and made him a small recipe book with easy, cheap recipes in it, so he and Rainey can hopefully eat something besides pizza (from where Stephan works) and chicken- (from where Rainey works!) Stephan had lost weight... he doesn't really have any to loose! He thanked us over and over again. We saw his apartment for the first time when we brought him the things we bought. Put it this way- I think he was very thankful for the vacuum!
We had talked about buying him some groceries- because that's what he really needed! After discussion, we decided that since he's still buying beer instead of groceries that we'd assist him in giving him tools to get his apartment clean and livable... and give him a means of helping himself (the recipe book) - and the tools to actually cook a meal! (If you give a hungry man a fish- he will only eat for that day, but if you teach him to fish- he will never go hungry!) It's so hard to balance how to help sometimes when as a parent, you're pushing toward a greater goal.. which is your son taking care of himself.
I will have to say that he's doing very well considering his circumstances. He and Rainey are in constant battle... they broke up again while we were there! He called me crying and spent the night with us that night because he didn't want to be alone. Our whole family was able to sit and talk to Stephan that night, which was so wonderful!! Stephan's trouble is that he is saved and Rainey isn't... he told me he was saved and why he knows he is. He said that he knew he had this foundation that Rainey doesn't have! He said she can't understand ANYTHING I try to explain to her about relationships... She think's it's ok to have guy friends- one she's slept with before.. and Stephan get's SO angry! Angry enough to punch a hole through the wall in his apartment! His anger issues on this topic are somewhat alcohol related... being intoxicated and coming off the alcohol... but his anger on the topic are also very legitimate! He did tell me and Ellie that he knows he needs to quit beer and pot... although he's not doing either nearly as much as he was! He said, "It's just a dead end street no matter how you look at it,-- it just is!"
I did also buy Stephan a book at Lifeway on dating and marriage. I talked to him about being unequally yoked with a non-believer and living in a sexual relationship unmarried. I told him he was doing it all wrong and these things that keep happening are consequences! We talked about how being in a sexual relationship outside of marriage only complicates things.... he needed to be getting to know Rainey as a person to determine if she was someone he'd "want" to marry and then... the sexual side is all the better, because he would love her through and through! He agreed... but can't change the fact that he is where he is... Well, he could- but that's another baby step down the road that will hopefully happen one day soon.
Stephan knows what he should do.. he just doesn't do it. He has all the right tools embedded inside his heart... he's gotta take them out and use them. First, he's going to have to make an effort and have a desire to change things... then commit! One more little piece of advice I gave him was that he needed to stop trying to please/change Rainey in their relationship, but to start trying to please God with his relationship to Him! I told Stephan that when he got himself right with God- everything would start to change. Stephan told me that he knew he needed to work on himself before he could start trying to change Rainey! I told Stephan that I agreed... but the only person that could change Rainey was God- not him! I also said to Stephan- "You're a great leader who has the ability to lead... but you've got to get your commitments right, so that Rainey sees a reason to want to follow you!" Oh, gracious... he's got it all backwards... but he's seeing first hand what not doing it right will do and he's feeling the repercussions of the choices he's making. Baby steps... baby steps! I'm just grateful he's making them... After all, that's the goal... assisting him in moving forward- even if it takes a while longer than we hope.
Lord, bless my children and keep them safe. Help us to always be a blessing to them... Help them by strengthening their wings, giving them the ability to fly on their own. Allow them to always know how much they are loved. Speak to them in their daily lives. Lead them... Guide them... May Your hand of protection follow them wherever they go. Lord send them other people who come in and out of their daily lives who speak truth in love, who always have a good word to say about You... who will be a Godly influence on them... Lord, be with me today as I miss them all greatly and wish we lived closer. Help me Lord to find the ministry here in WI that you'd have me to do... Help me to be grateful of my circumstances knowing you are going before me. You will never leave me or forsake me even in times of weakness... Give me strength today...
Amen
Monday, April 22, 2013
He's Not Moving!
Woooooooooooooooowww,
Boy things have a way of changing in just a few days. When I last updated the blog, it was Monday and Stephan was still waiting on the apartment. He and Rainey have since broke up- twice! She moved in with her grandmother until the apartment came available and Stephan moved in with Caleb...
Stephan also called me Monday mad as a hornet!!! Rainey had betrayed him and lied to him! He was so upset.... He was hurting, I could tell. He was heart broken! He told me that he was headed to Wisconsin!! That comment woke me up! (Mouth wide open) I asked him to repeat himself... and he did. He said, "yes, last night I packed up my car- had all my stuff, well, except my bedroom set and I was on the interstate headed to BIRMINGHAM!!!" I couldn't help it-- I laughed--- which sorta turned the conversation in a happier direction! Stephan said, "What?" I said, "If you were going to Birmingham headed toward Wisconsin, you were going the WRONG way!!" Stephan laughed himself and realized that he wouldn't have gotten far...
We had a few more laughs after that, which was nice, but then we were back to the fact of the matter which was: If he and Rainey are not getting back together, he now can't afford his rent! He's homeless... he has a job, but he's homeless...
Tuesday morning, I woke up and read my devotion. As I read I tried to look for ways for it to minister to me... but all I could think of was Stephan. I thought, "I should text him some of this!" I went on in the living room, and got my Ipod out and began looking at facebook. I got a phone call... After the call, I checked my text messages. I had one from Stephan he had sent at 3:45am. It said, " I have went through the worst day ever, sorry I passed out asleep and didn't call you back. I love you guys. Pray for me, I'm not doing good at all. : ( "
In my heart, I knew how awful his situation must be. Not knowing where you're going to live. Living in Caleb's basement wasn't an option long term, plus he felt in the way as he put it. That's why I felt led to send him that devotion- and I hadn't even read his text. God had... So, I sent him this:
"Hey Baby, GOD is near when we feel lost. Throughout the daily struggles of life we sometimes find ourselves looking for God in the midst of tough situations. We can't see Him or figure out His direction. We start walking.. or driving to Birmingham... Because we don't know what else to do. We end up miles away headed in the wrong direction. All I do know is God always remains in the same place. HE never moves. He is with us always showing us the way, yet we need spiritual eyes to see Him an the path He has for us. Weather it's relationship issues, loneliness, or a struggling faith, there is a way through. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your OWN understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths. Let's pray together. When two or more are gathered. He hears.. I love you sooooooooo much!!!
Richard had also sent Stephan a text: "I have been through many many storms in my life. I want you to let me help you through these days. Allow me to take the experience through difficulty and help you through yours. I know you want to work through things alone. With God you are never alone. I have been praying for you. Give me a call. I love you, Dad.
I didn't hear from Stephan until Tuesday night. He was not good. He was almost crying. He began to tell me how hurt he was. He talked about Rainey... She did betray him... she lied. Won't go into it... He fessed up and told me that Caleb was on Heroin, not pills and that he didn't want to be there any longer. I was actually glad! That's a positive... He told me he wanted to come to Wisconsin and that he'd taken out money...
That night- he also called Richard and talked to him for over an hour. I didn't hear a lot of what they had discussed, but heard Richard giving him loving advise and letting him know we're here... When they hung up, Richard didn't tell me anything I didn't know. Stephan's in a bad spot... He's wanting to move. He wants to get a job here, possibly get his degree...
Taking all this in, I set back and I have hopes... but the thought of him being here also scares the pants off me! No, more than that... scares me to death! I want to help him... Did God move us all the way to Wisconsin for Stephan? Did God know this would happen? Did God allow Stephan to live on his own to teach him something? I'm sure of that, but is he ready? Are we ready?
It's so funny- our house is closing Apr. 26th in Alabama. We just put an offer on a home here, which will close in May... We were supposed to be moved out of this apartment in July. Everything seems to be going exactly according to plan- like clock work! Is Stephan part of the tick, tick ticking? I'm sure he is- but how? I don't know if my heart is ready for him to be here... I have missed him like you can't imagine!!! Oh my goodness! I grieved leaving him in Alabama, although I knew it was right... 100%
I called Stephan this morning- Wednesday. He WAS crying. He had just talked to Rainey. He asked me if his dad had told me what he said last night. I told him some of the things... He said, "Did dad tell you I tried to slit my throat?" My heart fell out of my body and rolled across the floor.. I had to catch my breath for that one. I gently told him, no he did not! I talked with him about it. He didn't cut deep enough to do any real damage, but that's not the point. Anyone who thinks of something and even attempts to act upon it is in trouble! Stephan was also drinking when he did this.... How my heart pleads desperate prayers for him. Earthly wisdom will tell you he needs to stop! Godly wisdom does too... I pray that Stephan will heed to God's whispering. I pray he will hear Him....
Stephan told us that he was driving to WI on Sunday... The Friday before the big move, the apartment place called and they had Stephan's apartment ready! He told me he was still coming... (Saturday) he and Rainey got back together. Stephan made and agreement with Rainey to stop drinking and take anger management classes. He told me he was going to get the apartment and stay in Decatur.....
When Stephan told me that--- To my horror, I felt such a sense of relief! Why relief? Then I felt a sense of guilt for feeling relief! It was quite the moment! I took a deep breath and told Stephan that his dad and I were there for him that he could change his mind. I reminded him of all the good that could come of moving and he turned me down, but I felt I had to offer.
When we hung up the phone, I just cried. I felt so horrible... I was so glad he wasn't coming! It was an answer to prayer! I told Richard that night that ever since we moved here that our marriage was better than it had ever been before and the thoughts of reliving the past where Stephan was concerned scared me to death!!! Ever since I learned of his coming here, I had been really down thinking of what "could" happen! I imagined reliving the Target episode day after day... Our neighbors being mortified at his outbursts! It was more than my imagination could handle! We chose to buy a condo and we have lots of neighbors!
**When I started this post it was April 8th... I had to save it as a draft.. Today is April 22nd. Stephan has been living in his new apartment for one week. Everything seems to be going fine. His car broke down yesterday... but he finally got it to the shop! Ellie went to pick him up this morning to help him get it hauled there. We aren't there to do anything.... Stephan's having to arrange it on his own! It's a good thing....When somebody has to do something- they will. When they don't - they won't!
I really don't feel like Stephan was ready to move here... Perhaps that's why I went through all the emotions I went through. I knew it in my heart. He's still learning.
I prayed for him this morning. Prayer is all I can do that will make any difference at all. I did tell Stephan that there are free anger management classes every Sunday morning! I encouraged him to go to his old Youth Pastor's Church- who is now a Senior Pastor! We will see.
Lord protect Stephan.... Mostly, protect him from himself. Show him that he needs You in his life. Guide him.... Let his sin find him out, so that he will see the error of his ways. Let him know that there is forgiveness and restoration for him to find in You! Let him know that there's healing, hope and comfort in following You.
Amen........
Boy things have a way of changing in just a few days. When I last updated the blog, it was Monday and Stephan was still waiting on the apartment. He and Rainey have since broke up- twice! She moved in with her grandmother until the apartment came available and Stephan moved in with Caleb...
Stephan also called me Monday mad as a hornet!!! Rainey had betrayed him and lied to him! He was so upset.... He was hurting, I could tell. He was heart broken! He told me that he was headed to Wisconsin!! That comment woke me up! (Mouth wide open) I asked him to repeat himself... and he did. He said, "yes, last night I packed up my car- had all my stuff, well, except my bedroom set and I was on the interstate headed to BIRMINGHAM!!!" I couldn't help it-- I laughed--- which sorta turned the conversation in a happier direction! Stephan said, "What?" I said, "If you were going to Birmingham headed toward Wisconsin, you were going the WRONG way!!" Stephan laughed himself and realized that he wouldn't have gotten far...
We had a few more laughs after that, which was nice, but then we were back to the fact of the matter which was: If he and Rainey are not getting back together, he now can't afford his rent! He's homeless... he has a job, but he's homeless...
Tuesday morning, I woke up and read my devotion. As I read I tried to look for ways for it to minister to me... but all I could think of was Stephan. I thought, "I should text him some of this!" I went on in the living room, and got my Ipod out and began looking at facebook. I got a phone call... After the call, I checked my text messages. I had one from Stephan he had sent at 3:45am. It said, " I have went through the worst day ever, sorry I passed out asleep and didn't call you back. I love you guys. Pray for me, I'm not doing good at all. : ( "
In my heart, I knew how awful his situation must be. Not knowing where you're going to live. Living in Caleb's basement wasn't an option long term, plus he felt in the way as he put it. That's why I felt led to send him that devotion- and I hadn't even read his text. God had... So, I sent him this:
"Hey Baby, GOD is near when we feel lost. Throughout the daily struggles of life we sometimes find ourselves looking for God in the midst of tough situations. We can't see Him or figure out His direction. We start walking.. or driving to Birmingham... Because we don't know what else to do. We end up miles away headed in the wrong direction. All I do know is God always remains in the same place. HE never moves. He is with us always showing us the way, yet we need spiritual eyes to see Him an the path He has for us. Weather it's relationship issues, loneliness, or a struggling faith, there is a way through. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your OWN understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths. Let's pray together. When two or more are gathered. He hears.. I love you sooooooooo much!!!
Richard had also sent Stephan a text: "I have been through many many storms in my life. I want you to let me help you through these days. Allow me to take the experience through difficulty and help you through yours. I know you want to work through things alone. With God you are never alone. I have been praying for you. Give me a call. I love you, Dad.
I didn't hear from Stephan until Tuesday night. He was not good. He was almost crying. He began to tell me how hurt he was. He talked about Rainey... She did betray him... she lied. Won't go into it... He fessed up and told me that Caleb was on Heroin, not pills and that he didn't want to be there any longer. I was actually glad! That's a positive... He told me he wanted to come to Wisconsin and that he'd taken out money...
That night- he also called Richard and talked to him for over an hour. I didn't hear a lot of what they had discussed, but heard Richard giving him loving advise and letting him know we're here... When they hung up, Richard didn't tell me anything I didn't know. Stephan's in a bad spot... He's wanting to move. He wants to get a job here, possibly get his degree...
Taking all this in, I set back and I have hopes... but the thought of him being here also scares the pants off me! No, more than that... scares me to death! I want to help him... Did God move us all the way to Wisconsin for Stephan? Did God know this would happen? Did God allow Stephan to live on his own to teach him something? I'm sure of that, but is he ready? Are we ready?
It's so funny- our house is closing Apr. 26th in Alabama. We just put an offer on a home here, which will close in May... We were supposed to be moved out of this apartment in July. Everything seems to be going exactly according to plan- like clock work! Is Stephan part of the tick, tick ticking? I'm sure he is- but how? I don't know if my heart is ready for him to be here... I have missed him like you can't imagine!!! Oh my goodness! I grieved leaving him in Alabama, although I knew it was right... 100%
I called Stephan this morning- Wednesday. He WAS crying. He had just talked to Rainey. He asked me if his dad had told me what he said last night. I told him some of the things... He said, "Did dad tell you I tried to slit my throat?" My heart fell out of my body and rolled across the floor.. I had to catch my breath for that one. I gently told him, no he did not! I talked with him about it. He didn't cut deep enough to do any real damage, but that's not the point. Anyone who thinks of something and even attempts to act upon it is in trouble! Stephan was also drinking when he did this.... How my heart pleads desperate prayers for him. Earthly wisdom will tell you he needs to stop! Godly wisdom does too... I pray that Stephan will heed to God's whispering. I pray he will hear Him....
Stephan told us that he was driving to WI on Sunday... The Friday before the big move, the apartment place called and they had Stephan's apartment ready! He told me he was still coming... (Saturday) he and Rainey got back together. Stephan made and agreement with Rainey to stop drinking and take anger management classes. He told me he was going to get the apartment and stay in Decatur.....
When Stephan told me that--- To my horror, I felt such a sense of relief! Why relief? Then I felt a sense of guilt for feeling relief! It was quite the moment! I took a deep breath and told Stephan that his dad and I were there for him that he could change his mind. I reminded him of all the good that could come of moving and he turned me down, but I felt I had to offer.
When we hung up the phone, I just cried. I felt so horrible... I was so glad he wasn't coming! It was an answer to prayer! I told Richard that night that ever since we moved here that our marriage was better than it had ever been before and the thoughts of reliving the past where Stephan was concerned scared me to death!!! Ever since I learned of his coming here, I had been really down thinking of what "could" happen! I imagined reliving the Target episode day after day... Our neighbors being mortified at his outbursts! It was more than my imagination could handle! We chose to buy a condo and we have lots of neighbors!
**When I started this post it was April 8th... I had to save it as a draft.. Today is April 22nd. Stephan has been living in his new apartment for one week. Everything seems to be going fine. His car broke down yesterday... but he finally got it to the shop! Ellie went to pick him up this morning to help him get it hauled there. We aren't there to do anything.... Stephan's having to arrange it on his own! It's a good thing....When somebody has to do something- they will. When they don't - they won't!
I really don't feel like Stephan was ready to move here... Perhaps that's why I went through all the emotions I went through. I knew it in my heart. He's still learning.
I prayed for him this morning. Prayer is all I can do that will make any difference at all. I did tell Stephan that there are free anger management classes every Sunday morning! I encouraged him to go to his old Youth Pastor's Church- who is now a Senior Pastor! We will see.
Lord protect Stephan.... Mostly, protect him from himself. Show him that he needs You in his life. Guide him.... Let his sin find him out, so that he will see the error of his ways. Let him know that there is forgiveness and restoration for him to find in You! Let him know that there's healing, hope and comfort in following You.
Amen........
Monday, April 8, 2013
All Things Work Together......
Today is Monday! I texted Stephan off and on over the weekend. He finally had to move out of his apartment that he was living in until the other one is available. He moved into Caleb's basement. You've heard me talk about Caleb in the past. He and Stephan have continued to be friends, but they haven't really "hung out" a lot. You see, Stephan has a girlfriend, Rainey, and Caleb has a girlfriend, Lisa... Girls have a way of "getting" in the way LOL!
We learned that Lisa was pregnant a few months ago. I really believe that this made an impression on Stephan! It gave him a chance to know that these things do happen and CAN happen! Caleb has a Christian background... His parents were missionaries in Bolivia for most of his childhood. Something happened since being back into the States that caused his parents faith to be tested. I don't think they are doing very well right now. They have let Satan get the better of them. I can't imagine how this must feel. I do know that they are excited about the baby. Caleb has 2-3 younger brothers. Caleb lived in the basement of his parents home, but now since Lisa has moved in, they now occupy a younger brothers room and the brother now lives in the basement, along with Stephan. There is drinking there... and Caleb is on pills. Caleb loves Richard and I. He came to visit us when we were in Alabama over Easter. Richard had a great talk with him! It's so funny... In the midst of all Caleb's troubles, he talked about the Lord with Richard. I could tell that he had been "on something" recently. His eyes still reflected the effect. He's a good guy... drowning his sorrow with a pill. Stephan looked awesome! Every time I talk to him he seems fine! Stephan and I talked about him staying with Caleb's family. I told Stephan of my concerns... and Stephan assured me that he wanted to keep his job, he wanted to move as soon as possible, and he wasn't going to do pills. He told me he quit all that and he wished Caleb would. He told me not to worry. I couldn't help but look at his face- my baby... and say a silent prayer for God to watch over him.
I did talk to Stephan Friday! He called the lady at the apartment complex and it's going to be a while longer before the apartment is available!!! We also let our son, Brandon keep our lawnmower for us until we know what to do with it while we were in Alabama over Easter. We moved it, along with our out building to his house and put in a concrete slab in for it to sit on. Stephan needed gas, oil and a windshield wiper for his car so we helped him out with that. We gave him $60.00
During our conversation Friday, Stephan told me he was down to $20.00 and he didn't get paid till the next Friday! He told me that his tax check had come in, it was in his account, but he didn't want to spend any of it!!! He also said that on top of the $20.00 he had for spending, he "did" have his insurance money in his account as well! He wanted to know if we could loan him $20-$30.00 until he got paid. I didn't really say anything, I just let him talk. He kept rambling... really what he was doing was thinking out loud- so I let him think! While he was thinking out loud, I was thinking and praying quietly. The thought crossed my mind to transfer a little money- Gosh, I don't want him to starve!!! He WAS budgeting his money and I couldn't be more proud!!! All of a sudden I remembered the money we gave him during Easter and asked him again where it all went. He told me 30 for gas, 15 for the wiper, 5 for oil, and the other was for food and cigarettes! (We bought cigarettes!!) Oh, my....
Well, I can't complain much... He's doing well. The longer he talked he "talked" himself out of borrowing the money!!! He finally said, "Never mind, I'll just get twenty dollars out of my tax money and put it back when I get paid." Wow, did my son actually think of that on his own? YES he did!!!!! I hadn't even offered that advise!!! I'd been quiet as a mouse! It was hard, but- speaking like mama's do... I told him to make sure to put the money back... because money can get gone faster that you realize! His reply to that was: "Oh, don't I know that!!"
I didn't transfer any money.... I was proud of him and I was equally proud of myself. I have to let him figure it out and given the opportunity- be a blessing when we can. We did tell him that we would pay his deposit on his apartment. He has thanked us over and over! He also told me that his tax money was for the first months rent and to have the utilities cut on. As long as he keeps planning and being responsible- Well, I started to say, "I don't worry.." but I do... I still worry. I'm a mama... that's what we do. But I am proud of him....
I sent him a text yesterday afternoon that said, "How's my baby? Are you eating well? He replied that he was, he was going into work soon and that he loved me : ) I replied, "Just know that you are never alone. Me and Dad are only a phone call away.. I love you too, more than you know!!" He told me goodnight and that he'd talk to me tomorrow.
He feels safe. He feels loved. He's on his own... He's doing well/ He's struggling... I guess I feel like we're helping just enough to allow him to help himself. Maybe one day we can be a bigger blessing. Maybe for now, it's what we're supposed to do.
Yesterday, Richard and I went to a different church. It was nice. People were friendly. It felt good. However, before we left for church, Richard was sitting in our office going over the names of God and listening to El Shaddai on youtube. Today, (Monday-)I was online viewing the service held yesterday at our church in Alabama and I discovered that the name of the service was El Shaddai!!! The Sunday before that was titled Jehovah Jirah!! Weird? Nah?
Our church service in Wisconsin yesterday was titled, "When you suffer." The scripture was out of Job. You don't know how much I needed the message yesterday since this move! I have suffered. I am suffering missing my kids... I'm in an apartment, in a new city, a new state for that matter! I often feel guilty for feeling this way. What I learned yesterday was: Although Jesus suffered more than any man could ever suffer, He is still with me in my suffering. He never wants to remind me that anyone has suffered more- that I need to suck it up! He is compassionate toward "my" suffering and knows that it's real to me and He wants to help me through it. He wants me to remain in Him and let Him guide me.
I find it coincidental that we are torn between two churches- the one we love in Alabama and the one here that God may be speaking to us in His still small voice- leading us through both of them... But you know, I don't believe in coincidences... I believe in God! I think God allows us to ponder upon things like we do sometimes. I haven't listened to a service in Alabama since we moved! I saw that Kelsey sang on facebook today. It was her first solo- and I wanted to hear her. She was awesome... then I saw the title of the sermon! What in the world inspired Richard to look up the names of God yesterday, then for me to find these titles today?? I don't know? And then, another message on exactly where I am in life... Wow... All things work together... they DO! God speaks through His Word, through His people and through circumstance! All we have to do is open our eyes and ears- He's there! Listen... watch...
He works for the good of those who Love Him and trust Him....
We learned that Lisa was pregnant a few months ago. I really believe that this made an impression on Stephan! It gave him a chance to know that these things do happen and CAN happen! Caleb has a Christian background... His parents were missionaries in Bolivia for most of his childhood. Something happened since being back into the States that caused his parents faith to be tested. I don't think they are doing very well right now. They have let Satan get the better of them. I can't imagine how this must feel. I do know that they are excited about the baby. Caleb has 2-3 younger brothers. Caleb lived in the basement of his parents home, but now since Lisa has moved in, they now occupy a younger brothers room and the brother now lives in the basement, along with Stephan. There is drinking there... and Caleb is on pills. Caleb loves Richard and I. He came to visit us when we were in Alabama over Easter. Richard had a great talk with him! It's so funny... In the midst of all Caleb's troubles, he talked about the Lord with Richard. I could tell that he had been "on something" recently. His eyes still reflected the effect. He's a good guy... drowning his sorrow with a pill. Stephan looked awesome! Every time I talk to him he seems fine! Stephan and I talked about him staying with Caleb's family. I told Stephan of my concerns... and Stephan assured me that he wanted to keep his job, he wanted to move as soon as possible, and he wasn't going to do pills. He told me he quit all that and he wished Caleb would. He told me not to worry. I couldn't help but look at his face- my baby... and say a silent prayer for God to watch over him.
I did talk to Stephan Friday! He called the lady at the apartment complex and it's going to be a while longer before the apartment is available!!! We also let our son, Brandon keep our lawnmower for us until we know what to do with it while we were in Alabama over Easter. We moved it, along with our out building to his house and put in a concrete slab in for it to sit on. Stephan needed gas, oil and a windshield wiper for his car so we helped him out with that. We gave him $60.00
During our conversation Friday, Stephan told me he was down to $20.00 and he didn't get paid till the next Friday! He told me that his tax check had come in, it was in his account, but he didn't want to spend any of it!!! He also said that on top of the $20.00 he had for spending, he "did" have his insurance money in his account as well! He wanted to know if we could loan him $20-$30.00 until he got paid. I didn't really say anything, I just let him talk. He kept rambling... really what he was doing was thinking out loud- so I let him think! While he was thinking out loud, I was thinking and praying quietly. The thought crossed my mind to transfer a little money- Gosh, I don't want him to starve!!! He WAS budgeting his money and I couldn't be more proud!!! All of a sudden I remembered the money we gave him during Easter and asked him again where it all went. He told me 30 for gas, 15 for the wiper, 5 for oil, and the other was for food and cigarettes! (We bought cigarettes!!) Oh, my....
Well, I can't complain much... He's doing well. The longer he talked he "talked" himself out of borrowing the money!!! He finally said, "Never mind, I'll just get twenty dollars out of my tax money and put it back when I get paid." Wow, did my son actually think of that on his own? YES he did!!!!! I hadn't even offered that advise!!! I'd been quiet as a mouse! It was hard, but- speaking like mama's do... I told him to make sure to put the money back... because money can get gone faster that you realize! His reply to that was: "Oh, don't I know that!!"
I didn't transfer any money.... I was proud of him and I was equally proud of myself. I have to let him figure it out and given the opportunity- be a blessing when we can. We did tell him that we would pay his deposit on his apartment. He has thanked us over and over! He also told me that his tax money was for the first months rent and to have the utilities cut on. As long as he keeps planning and being responsible- Well, I started to say, "I don't worry.." but I do... I still worry. I'm a mama... that's what we do. But I am proud of him....
I sent him a text yesterday afternoon that said, "How's my baby? Are you eating well? He replied that he was, he was going into work soon and that he loved me : ) I replied, "Just know that you are never alone. Me and Dad are only a phone call away.. I love you too, more than you know!!" He told me goodnight and that he'd talk to me tomorrow.
He feels safe. He feels loved. He's on his own... He's doing well/ He's struggling... I guess I feel like we're helping just enough to allow him to help himself. Maybe one day we can be a bigger blessing. Maybe for now, it's what we're supposed to do.
Yesterday, Richard and I went to a different church. It was nice. People were friendly. It felt good. However, before we left for church, Richard was sitting in our office going over the names of God and listening to El Shaddai on youtube. Today, (Monday-)I was online viewing the service held yesterday at our church in Alabama and I discovered that the name of the service was El Shaddai!!! The Sunday before that was titled Jehovah Jirah!! Weird? Nah?
Our church service in Wisconsin yesterday was titled, "When you suffer." The scripture was out of Job. You don't know how much I needed the message yesterday since this move! I have suffered. I am suffering missing my kids... I'm in an apartment, in a new city, a new state for that matter! I often feel guilty for feeling this way. What I learned yesterday was: Although Jesus suffered more than any man could ever suffer, He is still with me in my suffering. He never wants to remind me that anyone has suffered more- that I need to suck it up! He is compassionate toward "my" suffering and knows that it's real to me and He wants to help me through it. He wants me to remain in Him and let Him guide me.
I find it coincidental that we are torn between two churches- the one we love in Alabama and the one here that God may be speaking to us in His still small voice- leading us through both of them... But you know, I don't believe in coincidences... I believe in God! I think God allows us to ponder upon things like we do sometimes. I haven't listened to a service in Alabama since we moved! I saw that Kelsey sang on facebook today. It was her first solo- and I wanted to hear her. She was awesome... then I saw the title of the sermon! What in the world inspired Richard to look up the names of God yesterday, then for me to find these titles today?? I don't know? And then, another message on exactly where I am in life... Wow... All things work together... they DO! God speaks through His Word, through His people and through circumstance! All we have to do is open our eyes and ears- He's there! Listen... watch...
He works for the good of those who Love Him and trust Him....
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
We're Moving- But So Is God!!!!
I guess you will have to read over my last post (September 11th) to truly appreciate this post!
I haven't blogged since September for several reasons. First reason is- We did move to Wisconsin! I've been here for two months now. Before the move, I was extremely depressed. I finally had to stop going to choir practice. I'm not a quitter, but going was painful... All the questions. I had announced that we were moving during one rehearsal, but others who weren't there would ask, "I heard you were moving?" I'd have to explain.. over and over and over. The one statement that hurt the most was: "Isn't your daughter-in-law pregnant? How in the world are you going to leave that baby?" or "I bet you'll miss that baby." or "I bet you're having a hard time leaving that baby aren't you?" Oh my God.. cut me with a knife will you!!! Just gut me right here!!! No one knows the nights I woke up in the middle of the night- not just in a hot sweat, but waking up screaming OUTLOUD waking Richard. This went on for weeks before the move. I felt emotionally tortured within and being at church and people asking stupid gut wrenching questions tore my heart out! I know they meant no harm, but I couldn't physically deal with it! Leaving Jeremiah meant he might not know me. I'm supposed to be there for him. I needed him. I wanted to hold him and to watch him grow. I wanted to be part of his life and for him to come over for visits. Life was not fair right about now. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I needed him to know and love me.
During the "process" of moving -I was extremely depressed. Men came to my house, packing up my stuff and I had to be there to supervise. That meant time away from Brandon, Ellie, Jeremiah and Stephan. I had just spent a month with them since Richard left, but at the time it felt as if it were no time at all. The movers had me packed in two days. My home that I loved was a vast, empty place and I stood in it alone... and just cried. My life seemed to be escaping me.
After the move... I was extremely depressed. Snow was now part of my scenery and there I was on my couch in a foreign place with no one. I had Richard... I'm glad I had him. Sadly, the depression was so bad I didn't leave the couch for about three days. It was me, my iPod and I had discovered the game Hey Day which kept me busy. How had I stooped so low? I'm feeding imaginary chickens for crying out loud!!! It was bad... I felt myself wanting to withdraw from the world. I wanted my life back. I wanted my family and my baby Jeremiah back.
Today, for the first time since "The Big Move," I actually opened my blog to discover that people are reading it. I discovered that people just like me are struggling and needing comfort, advice, prayer...
I took a class once, on Depression when we lived in Oak Ridge, NC. It was at the Billy Graham training Facility in Asheville. I was there for other reasons, but I had a free class.. It was after my father died... I sat there listening to the lady speak. She had cards that pictured different expressions of emotions on them that one may feel, etc. It was pretty generic, but informational. It was when individual people in the class began to ask her questions that things began to spiral downward and out of control. She couldn't answer the questions... Finally, she said, "I can't answer your questions because I have never been personally depressed!" I was thoroughly upset. I felt deceived! Someone asked, "Then why are you teaching about depression when you've never been depressed? How can you know what we are feeling?" Needless to say... the class didn't end well.
When I started this blog- I felt like my story may help someone... Maybe someone knows what I'm feeling! Maybe others who "do" feel the same way and are experiencing the same struggle with someone they love! I have found this to be true. Other people are going through the same thing I'm going through and when you go it alone... Well, that's a lonely place to be. It helps to talk and to gain strength from others who have walked or are walking in your shoes.
So why was I depressed? The thought of leaving Stephan in Alabama was overwhelming. There were so many uncertainties! Was it the right decision? We had prayed about him going with us and... not going with us...! On one hand, we felt a change may do him good. (You know, new place, new people, new opportunities, new church, a fresh start where no one knows your past.) On the other hand- We could NOT relive the last episode of him being in Wisconsin on a daily basis! (See last post.) NOT an option! The other thing was our relationship with our oldest son and his wife... (see last post!) They were our best friends!!! PLUS- our first grandchild was on the way.... The thought of not watching him grow was grieving to my soul!
Well, backing up, during the process of the move, Stephan was in a pretty depressed state himself. He didn't take it well when the final word came in that we "were" moving. That sent him on a tail spin of sorts. He took every opportunity he could to get high! Things got pretty bad. His anger increased even more... Long story short- there was lots of home improvements that needed to be done to his room when we moved out in order to sell our home. We just left it in God's hands. We told him that we'd like for him to go with us, but we couldn't do the drug thing! We told him we couldn't relive what "went down" the last time we were in Wisconsin!! We gave him examples of opportunities there and reasons to start over. Perhaps it was a chance of a lifetime! Was God moving us for Stephan?? Was God moving us "away" from Stephan?? So many questions that we were seeking answers to in prayer. On the other hand, we also told Stephan that he could stay in Alabama. We wanted to leave the choice up to him, but prayerfully hoping that he would allow God to help him make the choice. 'We" didn't want to interfere with God's plans... but sincerely wanted to know what the plan was!! What we ultimately wanted to do was leave an impression in Stephan's mind that we love him, we want him, but it's his choice as to where he stays! And the choice was his... the ball was in his court! I secretly wanted this to be a new life for him. I did... I pictured him getting a job in WI, finding good friends, going to college... Was it just a dream? I looked back on his track record and told myself that I'm kidding myself!! The scenario of him "staying" in Alabama scared me to death. I didn't even want to think about it. However, as my mind transferred over to what Stephan must be thinking, I knew this was real to him... His parents are moving and he was down to the nitty gritty as far as choices go! The short of it: He had gotten mad and told us he was staying........
When he said that, I wanted to throw up! I cried.... I screamed ( in private.) I wondered why God was doing this to us! I asked so many questions!! I never try to second guess God, but although I knew He was going before us and the fact that we had actually seen His hand concerning this move; my heart was still tied up in knots! It was clear as day that we were supposed to move, so why am I so perplexed? Is my son going to be ok? Is he going to starve? Where is he going to live? Is he going to get deeper and deeper involved in drugs and...( ) I can't hardly write the word... I don't want to write it... I won't... write that D word. I just want him to be ok and stay alive! Just be ok... I would pray- "Just take care of him Lord! I know you've got plans for his life... You've showed me that! Please keep him safe!" I tell you, fear set in... It really did.
God continued to remind me in my pain and all my fear that He was in control. Not me! One day, after weeks and weeks of pain and grief with Stephan- Stephan finally broke! He looked at me with the most pitiful look that makes me want to cry even now. He was crying and said, "Why are ya'll moving to Wisconsin and LEAVING me here!!!!!" I just looked at him and said to him, "Stephan, baby, you know that me and your dad would NEVER, EVER leave you!!!! We LOVE you and want what's best for you. You KNOW you can go with us!!" We embraced and both of us cried. I have never seen such fear and helplessness in his eyes.... He told me that he knew that he couldn't do drugs in Wisconsin and he didn't know if he could quit. We talked for a while and he seemed excited about a fresh start... but then he also wanted to stay in Alabama, because he had a girlfriend. He wanted to go, yet he wanted to stay. I could tell that his thoughts were churning. He had decided to stay again......... but he was pretty overwhelmed at exactly how he was going to do it! BUT, for the first time in his life, he was having to make real decisions for himself- REAL decisions! When someone "has" to do something, they find a way and he finally began a process of his own.
A few days passed. It seemed after Stephan's break down, he changed. I think he felt secure in our love for him, although he knew how much he was loved... we tell him we do everyday! I think he just needed to be reminded of it again. He knew we wanted him to go with us, but it's like once he got passed his feelings and knew he had the choice to go or stay and the choice was his... - STEPHAN--- started looking for a job and taking control of things! He put in a few applications here and there... Time was running out though. (He would leave with his girlfriend, Rainey to "put in applications" and come home with a few blank ones. He filled out one online... one... I drove him around town to put in a few myself, because at this point, he still wasn't driving his car again since he was home again! Since he was staying in Alabama, we finally decided to give the car back to make job hunting much easier! We paid the insurance for the first month to show him that we supported him and Stephan agreed to start paying it after that.. Which was another incentive for him to find a job!! Richard also said that I was NOT going to be his transportation! So, we figured that if he didn't find a job- the insurance would cancel out and he'd be right back where he started, but at least this put him in a situation to where he COULD find a job and HAD to find a job to keep his car - and it would be on him if he didn't! It was pushing him in a good direction and giving him an opportunity to make things different.
Days passed and Stephan's job search was at a stand still. All I knew- is time was running out! I felt so anxious inside about him finding a job since he was so undecided about weather he was going or staying!! God, --then again, stepped in- smacked me upside the head- He reminded me that I didn't need to interfere with Stephan's job hunting, nor did I need to press him on the matter. I need to let Stephan do it, because Stephan is doing exactly what Stephan wants to do! Stephan's return on how much time he invests into looking for a job will be his reward!
For a few weeks he had no luck , although he HAD put in several applications... I noticed that Stephan started cleaning out his room. When Stephan starts cleaning- something good is going on. Stephan off drugs is a clean freak! But this was different. He started gathering things that belonged to his friends -clothes, etc. and returning them! I thought it to be odd. This went on for several days. I also noticed he was spending more time at home with me and his dad. He wanted to pick up a movie and watch it with me etc. He finally told me one day that he couldn't find a job and that maybe God wanted him to go with us! He said, maybe it would be better for him to get away and maybe that's why he wasn't finding one. He also told me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night!!! This was all a little bit "information overload." I didn't know quite how to process it! I was also over joyed that he was speaking of God and actually thinking about what may be best for him and including God in it!!! When he came home- he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend. I did tell him that if he didn't love her, that he didn't need to string her along and if he did, he DIDN"T need to hurt her! I also suggested that he needed to continue to look for a job regardless of weather he stayed or went with us... He did have insurance to pay and perhaps he could transfer his job when we moved.
One day, Stephan came home and "Stephan"- found a job!! He started working at Little Caesars in October of 2012. He did pay his insurance in November.. it was late and he paid a late fee... but hey, he paid it! In November he had made arrangements to move out and live with another guy who was in the military and 28 years old. My first thought was, that at least it wasn't one of the croanie's he'd been hanging with! He also told me that his girlfriend was moving in too. NOT what a mama wants to hear... I guess the positive in all this is: He as a job, he found a place to live on his own, he began discussing his finances with me and Richard and wanted our advise on weather or not he'd be able to afford the rent and his insurance, gas and food! We made him a budget on paper. He could see where all his dollars would go. I believe he felt a sense of confidence in himself- and he moved out that next weekend!
The empty feeling you feel when your baby leaves the nest is as empty as it gets. I was not happy, I was not sad, I was scared, I was hopeful, I was glad, I was mad, I cried, I laughed... I reminisced on his childhood as we packed up awards, footballs, pictures, birthday cards, his favorite pillow... It was the bitterest of bittersweet moments a mother could have. Only he wasn't going away to college. My son was struggling, he was on drugs, he felt a little abandoned and alone... he felt loved, he felt confused and uncertain about his future.... He felt our support and he knows we're there for him, but miles were getting ready to separate us like never before.
Over the next few weeks, he visited often! He was doing well. He smelled of alcohol, but always made time for us weather that was at the house or out to eat. We had a wonderful Christmas... Stephan decided he didn't like earrings any longer! He also wanted an authentic "Polo" shirt- I bought him one as one of his Christmas gifts. I'll take a Polo shirt over scrappy t-shirts any day! He wanted his hair cut... I cut it! Stephan looked nice... He acted nice. He hugged us, told us he loved us. He was coming back to us!
Ellie's belly had grown so much with little one growing inside. We ate, we laughed... Brandon, Richard and Stephan arm wrestled... Stephan started going to church with us! YES he did.... At first he didn't go to Bible Study- only church... He felt like everyone was starring or maybe judging, but you know, once he was there and people loved on him-- he started going to our Bible Study class. It was an answer to prayer... I've told Stephan that church is sometimes referred to as a "hospital" for Christians, because we are all broken and struggle in different areas- that's why Jesus died for us. Without His sacrifice on the cross for us all, we would all surely perish- because we are all infected with sin!
Little Jeremiah was born!!! What an awesome day... Oh, he looks so much like my Brandon... Stephan looked at Brandon and said, "I can't believe you're a dad!" Then he laughed... Stephan held Jeremiah with such love, starring into his little face and rubbing his little hands... Stephan fell in love, as we all did! He's such a little joy! I had never been in love like this before... wow! He stole my heart.
The day came for Richard to leave. I think this day was probably the worst day of my life. It all became real. Richard's mother and sister were there from NC. I was holding back tears for three days before Richard left and cried when no one was around. My eyes were so swollen all those days! Richard told us all bye. He went around the room and hugged everyone. We all cried. I walked him out and after a few moments, Stephan came outside and sat on the steps. I motioned for him to come to the truck and he did. He was crying... We all had another group hug. OH goodness, this was so hard. I had another month in Alabama, but knowing that Stephan was feeling like his dad was leaving for good was so hard to watch. I think we said, "I love you" a hundred times... Stephan went back inside and Richard and I hugged some more. When he left, it all came crashing down!!! I cried uncontrollably. I started screaming out on the front porch and couldn't stop! I can't explain it. It was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced- Thoughts were flooding my head about Brandon and Ellie, new little Jeremiah, Stephan!!! How am I going to do this???? I can't do this!!! I can't move... Richard's mother had to come outside. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I tell you- words can't express the feelings I had that day. I upset everyone. Ellie ran upstairs. Brandon and Stephan were crying. Richard's mother and sister were crying. It was terrible..... but... Finally- we were all breathing again. My tears subsided. I went to the bathroom to discover dried pieces of toilet paper all over my face. I was a sight!
I spent time with my kids more the next month like never before! I was at Brandon and Ellie's helping with the baby most of the time. Stephan would come by when he was off work. I also had "all" the kids over for meals at my house several times : ) It was a good time...
Stephan and I had lunch together often. It was good to have that one on one time with him. We discussed how he was doing. He was still paying rent, working and paying car insurance!! He told me that he couldn't afford much- He also told me that he quit doing chemical drugs during that time. He told me he couldn't keep a job doing junk like that and he didn't want to get fired. He said, I'm just smoking weed and drinking! I have to laugh inside. Years ago, this would have been terrible news, but that day- it was great news! It was awesome news!! He also added that he hated "parties" and he couldn't wait to have a place of his own.
Was my Stephan growing up?
Richard flew back to Alabama to drive me and my car up. He had been in WI for one month and going stir crazy! He needed meatloaf!! : ) However, the week before he came was numbing. The movers were there packing up all my stuff! I had decided to let them do it all, so I could spend more time with the kids. I tell you, I loved my house, I loved where I lived, I love my kids, I love my church, I love my friends... It seemed that I was having to leave absolutely (everything) I loved! We had also seen the hand of God in this move, yet, I couldn't figure out why I felt so forsaken... How is this God's plan? Why is this God's plan?
The day we left was just grievous for me. I held on to Jeremiah and dreaded having to let him go. I took him in his bedroom, sat down in the rocking chair, held him and cried forever. How could I leave him? My heart was being ripped from my chest... My sons- I watched them grow into young men. Why was God separating us! My Ellie, had become my BFF! (Best friend forever!) We did everything together! My hopes and dreams of watching my boys have families of their own and grandchildren wrapped around my feet were becoming uncertain. I won't be able to have a jungle gym in the back yard now. I won't be cooking Sunday dinner, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner... What about the desires of MY heart?? I prayed for this for years! Lord, what now?? This is not fair...
All I know, is that God does... "know." He knows the plans he has for us...- (Jeremiah 29:11.)
Since my last post some things have happened. I have to say it's answered prayers! God is good! Sometimes answered prayers is not what you expect it to be:
*Brandon didn't get the job we'd hoped for as mentioned in my last post.... He got another one just as good!!! A job we never, ever in a million years ever think he'd get, nor was it available when we moved, nor did we ever imagine it would be! Someone quit out of the blue...! Brandon had to travel to NC to train for it for two weeks... He got a $6.50 raise! Ellie doesn't have to worry about going back to work now! Brandon never would have been eligible for this job if Richard were still plant manager, because like I said, Brandon can't work under Richard! God can do some amazing things! We didn't see that one coming!
*Stephan still has a job at Little Caesars and told me during my (March 1st) visit to Alabama that he is trying to stop smoking pot, so he can get a better job! He said he's just drinking... Note: My earlier conversation before we moved was Stephan telling me he quit chemical drugs and was just smoking pot and drinking! This is progress....This is progress...! His car insurance is getting paid on time now! He's moving out of the apartment with the other guy and is moving into his own apartment! His girlfriend is moving in too... again, not my best advice, but God is working in Stephan's life in so many ways. (Rome wasn't built in a day and Billy Graham didn't become an evangelist over night!) He spends a lot of time with his brother, Brandon, and Ellie since we're gone. The apartment he's moving to is very family friendly- not the ghetto! I helped Stephan find the apartment online and I really, really have a good feeling about it. He went and filled out the application, got approved, now he's waiting for one to come available.
*Stephan came over to Ellie's the other day for a visit and they took Jeremiah for a stroll. Ellie called me so excited and said that Stephan just blew her mind!!!! I'm like- "Tell it girl!!! Tell it!!!" She said that they were walking and talking and Stephan was telling her about all the things he put me and his dad through. He said, "I used to hate it when they would lecture me. OH, I'd get so mad... they just went on ..and on ..and ON!!! Dad thought I wasn't listening, but I was.... I HATED it when they would tell me where I could go, where I couldn't go, who I could hang out with and who I couldn't!! I usually did the opposite of everything they told me not to do... You know, I realize now that they were lecturing me because they love me and were trying to protect me! I GET IT NOW!!!! I find myself giving advise to others and it's exactly what my parents used to tell ME!!" He ended by telling Ellie this: He said, " I have good parents, you know? I know they love me and always just wanted what was best for me..."
The next morning after Ellie told me this, Richard and I both received a text from Stephan (at 6:45 in the morning) that said: "I love you..." That's all it said... That's all I needed to hear. I cried tears of joy... My son is growing. He's taken control of his own life. He's doing it! He's eating at Taco Bell because it's cheap, but he's doing it!
I have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 for Stephan's life: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other day I was reading and read verse 12 and 13... "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."
Stephan called a few days ago and told me he was praying about his apartment. Praying!! Wow... It brought those verses to mind. I told him to keep praying and let God guide him, that God would never lead him astray... He said he knew.
Lord, watch over him, keep him safe and guide him................. Help me to trust You even when I don't understand your ways. I know that you have our best interests in mind.... because Your Word says that all things work together... Even moving to Wisconsin when I didn't want too.
I haven't blogged since September for several reasons. First reason is- We did move to Wisconsin! I've been here for two months now. Before the move, I was extremely depressed. I finally had to stop going to choir practice. I'm not a quitter, but going was painful... All the questions. I had announced that we were moving during one rehearsal, but others who weren't there would ask, "I heard you were moving?" I'd have to explain.. over and over and over. The one statement that hurt the most was: "Isn't your daughter-in-law pregnant? How in the world are you going to leave that baby?" or "I bet you'll miss that baby." or "I bet you're having a hard time leaving that baby aren't you?" Oh my God.. cut me with a knife will you!!! Just gut me right here!!! No one knows the nights I woke up in the middle of the night- not just in a hot sweat, but waking up screaming OUTLOUD waking Richard. This went on for weeks before the move. I felt emotionally tortured within and being at church and people asking stupid gut wrenching questions tore my heart out! I know they meant no harm, but I couldn't physically deal with it! Leaving Jeremiah meant he might not know me. I'm supposed to be there for him. I needed him. I wanted to hold him and to watch him grow. I wanted to be part of his life and for him to come over for visits. Life was not fair right about now. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I needed him to know and love me.
During the "process" of moving -I was extremely depressed. Men came to my house, packing up my stuff and I had to be there to supervise. That meant time away from Brandon, Ellie, Jeremiah and Stephan. I had just spent a month with them since Richard left, but at the time it felt as if it were no time at all. The movers had me packed in two days. My home that I loved was a vast, empty place and I stood in it alone... and just cried. My life seemed to be escaping me.
After the move... I was extremely depressed. Snow was now part of my scenery and there I was on my couch in a foreign place with no one. I had Richard... I'm glad I had him. Sadly, the depression was so bad I didn't leave the couch for about three days. It was me, my iPod and I had discovered the game Hey Day which kept me busy. How had I stooped so low? I'm feeding imaginary chickens for crying out loud!!! It was bad... I felt myself wanting to withdraw from the world. I wanted my life back. I wanted my family and my baby Jeremiah back.
Today, for the first time since "The Big Move," I actually opened my blog to discover that people are reading it. I discovered that people just like me are struggling and needing comfort, advice, prayer...
I took a class once, on Depression when we lived in Oak Ridge, NC. It was at the Billy Graham training Facility in Asheville. I was there for other reasons, but I had a free class.. It was after my father died... I sat there listening to the lady speak. She had cards that pictured different expressions of emotions on them that one may feel, etc. It was pretty generic, but informational. It was when individual people in the class began to ask her questions that things began to spiral downward and out of control. She couldn't answer the questions... Finally, she said, "I can't answer your questions because I have never been personally depressed!" I was thoroughly upset. I felt deceived! Someone asked, "Then why are you teaching about depression when you've never been depressed? How can you know what we are feeling?" Needless to say... the class didn't end well.
When I started this blog- I felt like my story may help someone... Maybe someone knows what I'm feeling! Maybe others who "do" feel the same way and are experiencing the same struggle with someone they love! I have found this to be true. Other people are going through the same thing I'm going through and when you go it alone... Well, that's a lonely place to be. It helps to talk and to gain strength from others who have walked or are walking in your shoes.
So why was I depressed? The thought of leaving Stephan in Alabama was overwhelming. There were so many uncertainties! Was it the right decision? We had prayed about him going with us and... not going with us...! On one hand, we felt a change may do him good. (You know, new place, new people, new opportunities, new church, a fresh start where no one knows your past.) On the other hand- We could NOT relive the last episode of him being in Wisconsin on a daily basis! (See last post.) NOT an option! The other thing was our relationship with our oldest son and his wife... (see last post!) They were our best friends!!! PLUS- our first grandchild was on the way.... The thought of not watching him grow was grieving to my soul!
Well, backing up, during the process of the move, Stephan was in a pretty depressed state himself. He didn't take it well when the final word came in that we "were" moving. That sent him on a tail spin of sorts. He took every opportunity he could to get high! Things got pretty bad. His anger increased even more... Long story short- there was lots of home improvements that needed to be done to his room when we moved out in order to sell our home. We just left it in God's hands. We told him that we'd like for him to go with us, but we couldn't do the drug thing! We told him we couldn't relive what "went down" the last time we were in Wisconsin!! We gave him examples of opportunities there and reasons to start over. Perhaps it was a chance of a lifetime! Was God moving us for Stephan?? Was God moving us "away" from Stephan?? So many questions that we were seeking answers to in prayer. On the other hand, we also told Stephan that he could stay in Alabama. We wanted to leave the choice up to him, but prayerfully hoping that he would allow God to help him make the choice. 'We" didn't want to interfere with God's plans... but sincerely wanted to know what the plan was!! What we ultimately wanted to do was leave an impression in Stephan's mind that we love him, we want him, but it's his choice as to where he stays! And the choice was his... the ball was in his court! I secretly wanted this to be a new life for him. I did... I pictured him getting a job in WI, finding good friends, going to college... Was it just a dream? I looked back on his track record and told myself that I'm kidding myself!! The scenario of him "staying" in Alabama scared me to death. I didn't even want to think about it. However, as my mind transferred over to what Stephan must be thinking, I knew this was real to him... His parents are moving and he was down to the nitty gritty as far as choices go! The short of it: He had gotten mad and told us he was staying........
When he said that, I wanted to throw up! I cried.... I screamed ( in private.) I wondered why God was doing this to us! I asked so many questions!! I never try to second guess God, but although I knew He was going before us and the fact that we had actually seen His hand concerning this move; my heart was still tied up in knots! It was clear as day that we were supposed to move, so why am I so perplexed? Is my son going to be ok? Is he going to starve? Where is he going to live? Is he going to get deeper and deeper involved in drugs and...( ) I can't hardly write the word... I don't want to write it... I won't... write that D word. I just want him to be ok and stay alive! Just be ok... I would pray- "Just take care of him Lord! I know you've got plans for his life... You've showed me that! Please keep him safe!" I tell you, fear set in... It really did.
God continued to remind me in my pain and all my fear that He was in control. Not me! One day, after weeks and weeks of pain and grief with Stephan- Stephan finally broke! He looked at me with the most pitiful look that makes me want to cry even now. He was crying and said, "Why are ya'll moving to Wisconsin and LEAVING me here!!!!!" I just looked at him and said to him, "Stephan, baby, you know that me and your dad would NEVER, EVER leave you!!!! We LOVE you and want what's best for you. You KNOW you can go with us!!" We embraced and both of us cried. I have never seen such fear and helplessness in his eyes.... He told me that he knew that he couldn't do drugs in Wisconsin and he didn't know if he could quit. We talked for a while and he seemed excited about a fresh start... but then he also wanted to stay in Alabama, because he had a girlfriend. He wanted to go, yet he wanted to stay. I could tell that his thoughts were churning. He had decided to stay again......... but he was pretty overwhelmed at exactly how he was going to do it! BUT, for the first time in his life, he was having to make real decisions for himself- REAL decisions! When someone "has" to do something, they find a way and he finally began a process of his own.
A few days passed. It seemed after Stephan's break down, he changed. I think he felt secure in our love for him, although he knew how much he was loved... we tell him we do everyday! I think he just needed to be reminded of it again. He knew we wanted him to go with us, but it's like once he got passed his feelings and knew he had the choice to go or stay and the choice was his... - STEPHAN--- started looking for a job and taking control of things! He put in a few applications here and there... Time was running out though. (He would leave with his girlfriend, Rainey to "put in applications" and come home with a few blank ones. He filled out one online... one... I drove him around town to put in a few myself, because at this point, he still wasn't driving his car again since he was home again! Since he was staying in Alabama, we finally decided to give the car back to make job hunting much easier! We paid the insurance for the first month to show him that we supported him and Stephan agreed to start paying it after that.. Which was another incentive for him to find a job!! Richard also said that I was NOT going to be his transportation! So, we figured that if he didn't find a job- the insurance would cancel out and he'd be right back where he started, but at least this put him in a situation to where he COULD find a job and HAD to find a job to keep his car - and it would be on him if he didn't! It was pushing him in a good direction and giving him an opportunity to make things different.
Days passed and Stephan's job search was at a stand still. All I knew- is time was running out! I felt so anxious inside about him finding a job since he was so undecided about weather he was going or staying!! God, --then again, stepped in- smacked me upside the head- He reminded me that I didn't need to interfere with Stephan's job hunting, nor did I need to press him on the matter. I need to let Stephan do it, because Stephan is doing exactly what Stephan wants to do! Stephan's return on how much time he invests into looking for a job will be his reward!
For a few weeks he had no luck , although he HAD put in several applications... I noticed that Stephan started cleaning out his room. When Stephan starts cleaning- something good is going on. Stephan off drugs is a clean freak! But this was different. He started gathering things that belonged to his friends -clothes, etc. and returning them! I thought it to be odd. This went on for several days. I also noticed he was spending more time at home with me and his dad. He wanted to pick up a movie and watch it with me etc. He finally told me one day that he couldn't find a job and that maybe God wanted him to go with us! He said, maybe it would be better for him to get away and maybe that's why he wasn't finding one. He also told me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night!!! This was all a little bit "information overload." I didn't know quite how to process it! I was also over joyed that he was speaking of God and actually thinking about what may be best for him and including God in it!!! When he came home- he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend. I did tell him that if he didn't love her, that he didn't need to string her along and if he did, he DIDN"T need to hurt her! I also suggested that he needed to continue to look for a job regardless of weather he stayed or went with us... He did have insurance to pay and perhaps he could transfer his job when we moved.
One day, Stephan came home and "Stephan"- found a job!! He started working at Little Caesars in October of 2012. He did pay his insurance in November.. it was late and he paid a late fee... but hey, he paid it! In November he had made arrangements to move out and live with another guy who was in the military and 28 years old. My first thought was, that at least it wasn't one of the croanie's he'd been hanging with! He also told me that his girlfriend was moving in too. NOT what a mama wants to hear... I guess the positive in all this is: He as a job, he found a place to live on his own, he began discussing his finances with me and Richard and wanted our advise on weather or not he'd be able to afford the rent and his insurance, gas and food! We made him a budget on paper. He could see where all his dollars would go. I believe he felt a sense of confidence in himself- and he moved out that next weekend!
The empty feeling you feel when your baby leaves the nest is as empty as it gets. I was not happy, I was not sad, I was scared, I was hopeful, I was glad, I was mad, I cried, I laughed... I reminisced on his childhood as we packed up awards, footballs, pictures, birthday cards, his favorite pillow... It was the bitterest of bittersweet moments a mother could have. Only he wasn't going away to college. My son was struggling, he was on drugs, he felt a little abandoned and alone... he felt loved, he felt confused and uncertain about his future.... He felt our support and he knows we're there for him, but miles were getting ready to separate us like never before.
Over the next few weeks, he visited often! He was doing well. He smelled of alcohol, but always made time for us weather that was at the house or out to eat. We had a wonderful Christmas... Stephan decided he didn't like earrings any longer! He also wanted an authentic "Polo" shirt- I bought him one as one of his Christmas gifts. I'll take a Polo shirt over scrappy t-shirts any day! He wanted his hair cut... I cut it! Stephan looked nice... He acted nice. He hugged us, told us he loved us. He was coming back to us!
Ellie's belly had grown so much with little one growing inside. We ate, we laughed... Brandon, Richard and Stephan arm wrestled... Stephan started going to church with us! YES he did.... At first he didn't go to Bible Study- only church... He felt like everyone was starring or maybe judging, but you know, once he was there and people loved on him-- he started going to our Bible Study class. It was an answer to prayer... I've told Stephan that church is sometimes referred to as a "hospital" for Christians, because we are all broken and struggle in different areas- that's why Jesus died for us. Without His sacrifice on the cross for us all, we would all surely perish- because we are all infected with sin!
Little Jeremiah was born!!! What an awesome day... Oh, he looks so much like my Brandon... Stephan looked at Brandon and said, "I can't believe you're a dad!" Then he laughed... Stephan held Jeremiah with such love, starring into his little face and rubbing his little hands... Stephan fell in love, as we all did! He's such a little joy! I had never been in love like this before... wow! He stole my heart.
The day came for Richard to leave. I think this day was probably the worst day of my life. It all became real. Richard's mother and sister were there from NC. I was holding back tears for three days before Richard left and cried when no one was around. My eyes were so swollen all those days! Richard told us all bye. He went around the room and hugged everyone. We all cried. I walked him out and after a few moments, Stephan came outside and sat on the steps. I motioned for him to come to the truck and he did. He was crying... We all had another group hug. OH goodness, this was so hard. I had another month in Alabama, but knowing that Stephan was feeling like his dad was leaving for good was so hard to watch. I think we said, "I love you" a hundred times... Stephan went back inside and Richard and I hugged some more. When he left, it all came crashing down!!! I cried uncontrollably. I started screaming out on the front porch and couldn't stop! I can't explain it. It was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced- Thoughts were flooding my head about Brandon and Ellie, new little Jeremiah, Stephan!!! How am I going to do this???? I can't do this!!! I can't move... Richard's mother had to come outside. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I tell you- words can't express the feelings I had that day. I upset everyone. Ellie ran upstairs. Brandon and Stephan were crying. Richard's mother and sister were crying. It was terrible..... but... Finally- we were all breathing again. My tears subsided. I went to the bathroom to discover dried pieces of toilet paper all over my face. I was a sight!
I spent time with my kids more the next month like never before! I was at Brandon and Ellie's helping with the baby most of the time. Stephan would come by when he was off work. I also had "all" the kids over for meals at my house several times : ) It was a good time...
Stephan and I had lunch together often. It was good to have that one on one time with him. We discussed how he was doing. He was still paying rent, working and paying car insurance!! He told me that he couldn't afford much- He also told me that he quit doing chemical drugs during that time. He told me he couldn't keep a job doing junk like that and he didn't want to get fired. He said, I'm just smoking weed and drinking! I have to laugh inside. Years ago, this would have been terrible news, but that day- it was great news! It was awesome news!! He also added that he hated "parties" and he couldn't wait to have a place of his own.
Was my Stephan growing up?
Richard flew back to Alabama to drive me and my car up. He had been in WI for one month and going stir crazy! He needed meatloaf!! : ) However, the week before he came was numbing. The movers were there packing up all my stuff! I had decided to let them do it all, so I could spend more time with the kids. I tell you, I loved my house, I loved where I lived, I love my kids, I love my church, I love my friends... It seemed that I was having to leave absolutely (everything) I loved! We had also seen the hand of God in this move, yet, I couldn't figure out why I felt so forsaken... How is this God's plan? Why is this God's plan?
The day we left was just grievous for me. I held on to Jeremiah and dreaded having to let him go. I took him in his bedroom, sat down in the rocking chair, held him and cried forever. How could I leave him? My heart was being ripped from my chest... My sons- I watched them grow into young men. Why was God separating us! My Ellie, had become my BFF! (Best friend forever!) We did everything together! My hopes and dreams of watching my boys have families of their own and grandchildren wrapped around my feet were becoming uncertain. I won't be able to have a jungle gym in the back yard now. I won't be cooking Sunday dinner, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner... What about the desires of MY heart?? I prayed for this for years! Lord, what now?? This is not fair...
All I know, is that God does... "know." He knows the plans he has for us...- (Jeremiah 29:11.)
Since my last post some things have happened. I have to say it's answered prayers! God is good! Sometimes answered prayers is not what you expect it to be:
*Brandon didn't get the job we'd hoped for as mentioned in my last post.... He got another one just as good!!! A job we never, ever in a million years ever think he'd get, nor was it available when we moved, nor did we ever imagine it would be! Someone quit out of the blue...! Brandon had to travel to NC to train for it for two weeks... He got a $6.50 raise! Ellie doesn't have to worry about going back to work now! Brandon never would have been eligible for this job if Richard were still plant manager, because like I said, Brandon can't work under Richard! God can do some amazing things! We didn't see that one coming!
*Stephan still has a job at Little Caesars and told me during my (March 1st) visit to Alabama that he is trying to stop smoking pot, so he can get a better job! He said he's just drinking... Note: My earlier conversation before we moved was Stephan telling me he quit chemical drugs and was just smoking pot and drinking! This is progress....This is progress...! His car insurance is getting paid on time now! He's moving out of the apartment with the other guy and is moving into his own apartment! His girlfriend is moving in too... again, not my best advice, but God is working in Stephan's life in so many ways. (Rome wasn't built in a day and Billy Graham didn't become an evangelist over night!) He spends a lot of time with his brother, Brandon, and Ellie since we're gone. The apartment he's moving to is very family friendly- not the ghetto! I helped Stephan find the apartment online and I really, really have a good feeling about it. He went and filled out the application, got approved, now he's waiting for one to come available.
*Stephan came over to Ellie's the other day for a visit and they took Jeremiah for a stroll. Ellie called me so excited and said that Stephan just blew her mind!!!! I'm like- "Tell it girl!!! Tell it!!!" She said that they were walking and talking and Stephan was telling her about all the things he put me and his dad through. He said, "I used to hate it when they would lecture me. OH, I'd get so mad... they just went on ..and on ..and ON!!! Dad thought I wasn't listening, but I was.... I HATED it when they would tell me where I could go, where I couldn't go, who I could hang out with and who I couldn't!! I usually did the opposite of everything they told me not to do... You know, I realize now that they were lecturing me because they love me and were trying to protect me! I GET IT NOW!!!! I find myself giving advise to others and it's exactly what my parents used to tell ME!!" He ended by telling Ellie this: He said, " I have good parents, you know? I know they love me and always just wanted what was best for me..."
The next morning after Ellie told me this, Richard and I both received a text from Stephan (at 6:45 in the morning) that said: "I love you..." That's all it said... That's all I needed to hear. I cried tears of joy... My son is growing. He's taken control of his own life. He's doing it! He's eating at Taco Bell because it's cheap, but he's doing it!
I have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 for Stephan's life: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other day I was reading and read verse 12 and 13... "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."
Stephan called a few days ago and told me he was praying about his apartment. Praying!! Wow... It brought those verses to mind. I told him to keep praying and let God guide him, that God would never lead him astray... He said he knew.
Lord, watch over him, keep him safe and guide him................. Help me to trust You even when I don't understand your ways. I know that you have our best interests in mind.... because Your Word says that all things work together... Even moving to Wisconsin when I didn't want too.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Life and It's Unexpected Twists and Turns
I haven't been on here in quite some time. I guess everybody thinks that everything is ok, but things are pretty much the same, if not worse at times. We've had a lot going on outside of Stephan's addiction- positive things! We just found out that our son, Brandon and his wife are having a baby boy! We are just so excited!! I have no idea what I want to be called... I'm going to be a 40 year old grandmother, so I need something cool you know? : ) Ha ha!
Ellie, my daughter-in-law, and I spend so much time together! We talk on the phone every morning.. then we meet in town and do our shopping together on grocery day! I went with her to pick out paint colors for their new house the other day... they come over at least three times a week! Sometimes more! They are our best friends : ) Sometimes I think to myself that it's not supposed to be this way, but I'm so thankful it is. I DO, however, try to keep my opinions to myself if not "asked" my opinion. We are so much alike I seldom ever- if ever- have to bite my tongue! Richard and I both try our best NEVER to interfere, but to assist- again, if asked! We do keep our distance in those ways. I feel that our relationship is so strong because of God Himself. I never imagined I would love my daughter-in-law as much as I do Ellie. Perhaps it's because I've been praying for her since Brandon was a baby.... I'm sure of it!
We may be going through some changes in the next few months. Richard's company has bought another company in Wisconsin and the president of the company has asked Richard to manage it. The job will be no different for Richard as he is the plant manager here... just different people and a different location! When I first found out about the possibility of moving I cried for weeks. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying, I even cried in the shower! You see, Brandon and Ellie and our future little Jeremiah will not be going with us... Oh, I'm about to break even thinking about it!
We flew to Wisconsin last week to check out the area and for Richard to meet the former owner/plant manager. It was a really good over all visit. I had healed somewhat by this point. My tears only come occasionally now... I tell you, God has shown up in so many ways it's unreal! He's pointing north and has confirmed it in ways that would make your head spin! I have really had to put my trust and faith in God in so many ways lately. He's dealing with my heart and has shown me that His ways are higher than mine. He says that He knows the plans He has for me to give me a hope and a future! He wants me to trust Him and be obedient to His calling upon our lives, because this is so much more than just a job, it's a mission that I know nothing about yet, because I'm not there yet! I've asked God to forgive me for my pity parties, for my doubting, for my unwillingness to go where He's sending me, for asking "why?" You know, the Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, right? I always imagined that both my boys would grow up, marry, have babies and always live nearby, so we could celebrate holidays together like all the families on TV- and like a lot of families that I know!! Sometimes life takes twists and turns... sometimes we see them coming... sometimes we don't. All I do know- is that I have to give up my life to have it! I have to go where He leads. I may cry the whole way there, but my desire is to be obedient and to have trust that He IS giving me the desires of my heart in ways that I can't even imagine! When he said, "follow me, and I will make you fisher's of men," he didn't tell us to pack up our whole entire family too. God has plans for each of our lives here on Earth, which is such a short amount of time compared to eternity! I'll spend eternity with my children... for now, I place one foot in front of the other out of obedience, but not without tears in my eyes. I am really looking forward to watching God's plan unfold. Father, my life is in your hands.... give me strength!
One thing that I'm watching for God to do- or to see what He does is: You see, Brandon works for the same company Richard works for. Brandon is a machine operator now, but when Brandon was 14, yes you heard me... 14... he worked for the company taking metal dyes, and measuring them to the "zillimeter." no that's not a word, but it is now... and drawing a blue print of the dye in Auto CAD for the dye maker to have a print to lay on a piece of wood to make dye making like 100% faster! Brandon is so smart! Long story short, he finished High School, went to college, got his degree- was going to be a nurse- eventually a Physician's assistant, but that all changed when he worked in the ER. He grew weary of it all and discovered that was not what he wanted to do at all. He quit the ER and started working for Richard's company. The only stipulation is that he can not work directly under Richard. Before, he worked for the president, now he works for the machine supervisor. Since Richard is moving out of plant manager position there is another guy at the company that will move up into Richard's position, which leaves "this" guys position open! Brandon has been recommended by two people so far for the job. Brandon's income would almost double if he got it! : )
I can say that if God could/would allow something like this to happen in my son's life to benefit him and his new family- I would move in a heart beat! It would be a sacrifice that I'd be willing to make. Ellie also would not have to worry with finding work when the baby is born! I guess we will see....
As far as my dear Stephan... he is still using. He went to Wisconsin with us, only to discover that he was taking acid on the way there. He wanted to see what the clouds looked like from the plane on his "trip."
When he does this particular drug, coming off is brutal... not for him, for me. He's violent. Not toward me... but hitting and throwing things in our home, screaming and cussing! Our neighbor witnessed it the other day. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I don't know what to do! When we were in WI, he was coming off. I stayed at the hotel with him the first full day. He slept till one. Richard was with the president of the company visiting another company in Illinois that they may potentially buy in the future, so I figured that as long as he was sleeping, my life would be easier! That night, I decided to venture out with him by myself... He seemed fine, jokey and happy! Richard was back at this time, but he had a horrible migraine and had to sleep.. We needed dinner and I needed to go to Target, so I decided to leave. I was a little nervous about driving. I was in a rental SUV, very unfamiliar with the roads- hey, never been to Wisconsin, you know!! I punched Target's location into the GPS and we were on our way! Everything was awesome! Stephan and I laughed on the way, I walked into Target to look for the things I needed. Stephan told me he was going to go buy cigarettes... When I was ready to leave I couldn't find him, so I went to the car, still no Stephan! I went back inside the store to find him having a meltdown! Cigarettes were $7.50 a pack and he was screaming and cussing so loud they called security! When he ran outside he sat down! I walked out behind him, told him to GET in my car! You just can't imagine the nervousness that came over me, well maybe you can if you have experienced this with an addict. I was completely overwhelmed. He continued screaming in the car and jumped out of my vehicle! Everybody in the parking lot was now involved... Stephan yelled at them and told them how stupid it was that cigarettes cost so much. He reminded them all that, YES, he's from Alabama and he wasn't going to move there!!!!!! He took off on foot. I was afraid to go looking for him.. afraid I'd get lost, but I did keep circling the block and could NOT find him. He didn't have a cell phone- He broke that the week before by throwing it on the street in front of our house! I'm telling you, by this time I was a snotty, blubbery mess. I was praying, crying and driving! I also figured that I was in such a state of shock that I didn't have my headlights on! I had to pull over to figure out how to turn them on! Was this the last time I would see my son? I'm in a different state, a new city, in an unfamiliar car and it was getting dark! I drove back to the Target parking lot. That was the last place he saw me, so I thought he might come back... he didn't.
I finally called Richard at the hotel and he told me to come back. I couldn't just leave him! What if he came back!! Stephan does this at home all the time and I DO just leave him! I've left him many times! In this case, being we were in another state for Heavens sake and I panicked! Richard kept reminding me that he was a big boy and he could take care of himself! Oh, I was so mad at Stephan... Part of me was mad at myself for allowing him to put me in this state of mind. I texted my sister in NC. She reminded me that I have to let him go.. I have to take care of myself.. and she was right and I knew it!
I punched in the hotel location and I did make it back. Richard and I went to McDonald's to grab a bite to eat, but I was so torn up, I couldn't eat. About an hour later Stephan called from a gas station. Richard told him to get back the best way he could! We did ride over to the gas station though... like two idiots! He wasn't there. By this time, it was pushing 10:00. We went back to the hotel and he was outside waiting for us. He said he walked, but we saw a police car circle the building, so I'm not sure if he did or not. Richard dropped me off at the hotel and he and Stephan drove around having a "heart to heart!!"
The next day Richard and I were looking at houses with the realtor. Stephan kept making drug references that nobody would catch unless they had experimented with drugs themselves in the past or had ever dealt with an addict. As we walked into another house... Richard told Stephan to "BE QUIET! Stephan was like, "Whaaat... !" Richard told him he was embarrassing him. Stephan replied with a quick, "I am not embarrassing you!" Richard told him that he WAS- and he was getting ready to embarrass HIM! Stephan took off again! I believe the realtor was mortified. When we left, she wanted to know if we wanted to go look for him. Richard told her no, he was a big boy and he'd find his way back to the hotel- He found his way back last night! She didn't say a word...
I'm sorry, but these two episodes were what I feared the most when we decided to bring him along. My nightmares came true!
At this point, I had had enough! I was humiliated in front of the realtor, but didn't cry a tear! Numbness had taken over my life once again. Richard and I decided to go to a very fancy restaurant and talk about the move. We also discussed that Stephan was almost 20 years old and we were not bringing him with us if things didn't change. We are praying about this decision. We love Stephan, oh, so much! He's my child! What would be best for him??? We "thought' that moving would be a good change for him when all this came about. He even mentioned getting to have a fresh start on life himself! He proved on this trip that he didn't want it! Or it surely seemed that way! Perhaps leaving him in AL is what would be best for him! He wouldn't have us as a crutch any longer! I don't know... I just want to do what God wants us to do. Maybe this move is all for Stephan- whether he goes or not! I could see God working in either scenario! We just have to keep praying for peace on a decision.
By the way, Stephan found his way back to the hotel... again!
Last night, at home in Alabama- Stephan called at twenty till eleven... His curfew is 10:00. He needed a ride home. I reminded him of his curfew and if he needed a ride he should have called at 9:00 to let us know, being that where he was a 40 minute round trip! Like he were a child, I reminded him "again" of being respectful of our time, the fact that Dad has to work in the morning etc... same stuff I've told him over and over. Richard got the phone and told him to walk. Stephan said some choice words... again, disrespecting the hand that feeds him! We went to bed... didn't sleep very well of course. Why does things just have to be this tough you know??? What's wrong with doing the next right thing? What's wrong with being responsible? I understand that when he's messed up, that he can't think rationally, but why get messed up? Why keep doing the same stupid thing over and over? He walked to a local McDonald's and called... Richard refused to pick him up again and told him he'd got that far and to keep on walking! He told him to get Caleb to pick him up and reminded him that Caleb didn't have to work the next day- neither did he! Stephan finally came in at 1:30. He did get a ride from someone... He's going to have to learn that we are not going to live our life around his bad decisions, he's going to have to adjust his life around ours our make other arrangements. Why does love have to be so tough? I just don't feel like Stephan's going to change until he's left with no other choice. He needs Jesus so much.
Is anyone out there going through this with your teen? Have you found successful ways to reach your teen? Sometimes it's just hard to parent with love and logic isn't it? Of course, I have forgotten what logic is...
Ellie, my daughter-in-law, and I spend so much time together! We talk on the phone every morning.. then we meet in town and do our shopping together on grocery day! I went with her to pick out paint colors for their new house the other day... they come over at least three times a week! Sometimes more! They are our best friends : ) Sometimes I think to myself that it's not supposed to be this way, but I'm so thankful it is. I DO, however, try to keep my opinions to myself if not "asked" my opinion. We are so much alike I seldom ever- if ever- have to bite my tongue! Richard and I both try our best NEVER to interfere, but to assist- again, if asked! We do keep our distance in those ways. I feel that our relationship is so strong because of God Himself. I never imagined I would love my daughter-in-law as much as I do Ellie. Perhaps it's because I've been praying for her since Brandon was a baby.... I'm sure of it!
We may be going through some changes in the next few months. Richard's company has bought another company in Wisconsin and the president of the company has asked Richard to manage it. The job will be no different for Richard as he is the plant manager here... just different people and a different location! When I first found out about the possibility of moving I cried for weeks. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying, I even cried in the shower! You see, Brandon and Ellie and our future little Jeremiah will not be going with us... Oh, I'm about to break even thinking about it!
We flew to Wisconsin last week to check out the area and for Richard to meet the former owner/plant manager. It was a really good over all visit. I had healed somewhat by this point. My tears only come occasionally now... I tell you, God has shown up in so many ways it's unreal! He's pointing north and has confirmed it in ways that would make your head spin! I have really had to put my trust and faith in God in so many ways lately. He's dealing with my heart and has shown me that His ways are higher than mine. He says that He knows the plans He has for me to give me a hope and a future! He wants me to trust Him and be obedient to His calling upon our lives, because this is so much more than just a job, it's a mission that I know nothing about yet, because I'm not there yet! I've asked God to forgive me for my pity parties, for my doubting, for my unwillingness to go where He's sending me, for asking "why?" You know, the Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, right? I always imagined that both my boys would grow up, marry, have babies and always live nearby, so we could celebrate holidays together like all the families on TV- and like a lot of families that I know!! Sometimes life takes twists and turns... sometimes we see them coming... sometimes we don't. All I do know- is that I have to give up my life to have it! I have to go where He leads. I may cry the whole way there, but my desire is to be obedient and to have trust that He IS giving me the desires of my heart in ways that I can't even imagine! When he said, "follow me, and I will make you fisher's of men," he didn't tell us to pack up our whole entire family too. God has plans for each of our lives here on Earth, which is such a short amount of time compared to eternity! I'll spend eternity with my children... for now, I place one foot in front of the other out of obedience, but not without tears in my eyes. I am really looking forward to watching God's plan unfold. Father, my life is in your hands.... give me strength!
One thing that I'm watching for God to do- or to see what He does is: You see, Brandon works for the same company Richard works for. Brandon is a machine operator now, but when Brandon was 14, yes you heard me... 14... he worked for the company taking metal dyes, and measuring them to the "zillimeter." no that's not a word, but it is now... and drawing a blue print of the dye in Auto CAD for the dye maker to have a print to lay on a piece of wood to make dye making like 100% faster! Brandon is so smart! Long story short, he finished High School, went to college, got his degree- was going to be a nurse- eventually a Physician's assistant, but that all changed when he worked in the ER. He grew weary of it all and discovered that was not what he wanted to do at all. He quit the ER and started working for Richard's company. The only stipulation is that he can not work directly under Richard. Before, he worked for the president, now he works for the machine supervisor. Since Richard is moving out of plant manager position there is another guy at the company that will move up into Richard's position, which leaves "this" guys position open! Brandon has been recommended by two people so far for the job. Brandon's income would almost double if he got it! : )
I can say that if God could/would allow something like this to happen in my son's life to benefit him and his new family- I would move in a heart beat! It would be a sacrifice that I'd be willing to make. Ellie also would not have to worry with finding work when the baby is born! I guess we will see....
As far as my dear Stephan... he is still using. He went to Wisconsin with us, only to discover that he was taking acid on the way there. He wanted to see what the clouds looked like from the plane on his "trip."
When he does this particular drug, coming off is brutal... not for him, for me. He's violent. Not toward me... but hitting and throwing things in our home, screaming and cussing! Our neighbor witnessed it the other day. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I don't know what to do! When we were in WI, he was coming off. I stayed at the hotel with him the first full day. He slept till one. Richard was with the president of the company visiting another company in Illinois that they may potentially buy in the future, so I figured that as long as he was sleeping, my life would be easier! That night, I decided to venture out with him by myself... He seemed fine, jokey and happy! Richard was back at this time, but he had a horrible migraine and had to sleep.. We needed dinner and I needed to go to Target, so I decided to leave. I was a little nervous about driving. I was in a rental SUV, very unfamiliar with the roads- hey, never been to Wisconsin, you know!! I punched Target's location into the GPS and we were on our way! Everything was awesome! Stephan and I laughed on the way, I walked into Target to look for the things I needed. Stephan told me he was going to go buy cigarettes... When I was ready to leave I couldn't find him, so I went to the car, still no Stephan! I went back inside the store to find him having a meltdown! Cigarettes were $7.50 a pack and he was screaming and cussing so loud they called security! When he ran outside he sat down! I walked out behind him, told him to GET in my car! You just can't imagine the nervousness that came over me, well maybe you can if you have experienced this with an addict. I was completely overwhelmed. He continued screaming in the car and jumped out of my vehicle! Everybody in the parking lot was now involved... Stephan yelled at them and told them how stupid it was that cigarettes cost so much. He reminded them all that, YES, he's from Alabama and he wasn't going to move there!!!!!! He took off on foot. I was afraid to go looking for him.. afraid I'd get lost, but I did keep circling the block and could NOT find him. He didn't have a cell phone- He broke that the week before by throwing it on the street in front of our house! I'm telling you, by this time I was a snotty, blubbery mess. I was praying, crying and driving! I also figured that I was in such a state of shock that I didn't have my headlights on! I had to pull over to figure out how to turn them on! Was this the last time I would see my son? I'm in a different state, a new city, in an unfamiliar car and it was getting dark! I drove back to the Target parking lot. That was the last place he saw me, so I thought he might come back... he didn't.
I finally called Richard at the hotel and he told me to come back. I couldn't just leave him! What if he came back!! Stephan does this at home all the time and I DO just leave him! I've left him many times! In this case, being we were in another state for Heavens sake and I panicked! Richard kept reminding me that he was a big boy and he could take care of himself! Oh, I was so mad at Stephan... Part of me was mad at myself for allowing him to put me in this state of mind. I texted my sister in NC. She reminded me that I have to let him go.. I have to take care of myself.. and she was right and I knew it!
I punched in the hotel location and I did make it back. Richard and I went to McDonald's to grab a bite to eat, but I was so torn up, I couldn't eat. About an hour later Stephan called from a gas station. Richard told him to get back the best way he could! We did ride over to the gas station though... like two idiots! He wasn't there. By this time, it was pushing 10:00. We went back to the hotel and he was outside waiting for us. He said he walked, but we saw a police car circle the building, so I'm not sure if he did or not. Richard dropped me off at the hotel and he and Stephan drove around having a "heart to heart!!"
The next day Richard and I were looking at houses with the realtor. Stephan kept making drug references that nobody would catch unless they had experimented with drugs themselves in the past or had ever dealt with an addict. As we walked into another house... Richard told Stephan to "BE QUIET! Stephan was like, "Whaaat... !" Richard told him he was embarrassing him. Stephan replied with a quick, "I am not embarrassing you!" Richard told him that he WAS- and he was getting ready to embarrass HIM! Stephan took off again! I believe the realtor was mortified. When we left, she wanted to know if we wanted to go look for him. Richard told her no, he was a big boy and he'd find his way back to the hotel- He found his way back last night! She didn't say a word...
I'm sorry, but these two episodes were what I feared the most when we decided to bring him along. My nightmares came true!
At this point, I had had enough! I was humiliated in front of the realtor, but didn't cry a tear! Numbness had taken over my life once again. Richard and I decided to go to a very fancy restaurant and talk about the move. We also discussed that Stephan was almost 20 years old and we were not bringing him with us if things didn't change. We are praying about this decision. We love Stephan, oh, so much! He's my child! What would be best for him??? We "thought' that moving would be a good change for him when all this came about. He even mentioned getting to have a fresh start on life himself! He proved on this trip that he didn't want it! Or it surely seemed that way! Perhaps leaving him in AL is what would be best for him! He wouldn't have us as a crutch any longer! I don't know... I just want to do what God wants us to do. Maybe this move is all for Stephan- whether he goes or not! I could see God working in either scenario! We just have to keep praying for peace on a decision.
By the way, Stephan found his way back to the hotel... again!
Last night, at home in Alabama- Stephan called at twenty till eleven... His curfew is 10:00. He needed a ride home. I reminded him of his curfew and if he needed a ride he should have called at 9:00 to let us know, being that where he was a 40 minute round trip! Like he were a child, I reminded him "again" of being respectful of our time, the fact that Dad has to work in the morning etc... same stuff I've told him over and over. Richard got the phone and told him to walk. Stephan said some choice words... again, disrespecting the hand that feeds him! We went to bed... didn't sleep very well of course. Why does things just have to be this tough you know??? What's wrong with doing the next right thing? What's wrong with being responsible? I understand that when he's messed up, that he can't think rationally, but why get messed up? Why keep doing the same stupid thing over and over? He walked to a local McDonald's and called... Richard refused to pick him up again and told him he'd got that far and to keep on walking! He told him to get Caleb to pick him up and reminded him that Caleb didn't have to work the next day- neither did he! Stephan finally came in at 1:30. He did get a ride from someone... He's going to have to learn that we are not going to live our life around his bad decisions, he's going to have to adjust his life around ours our make other arrangements. Why does love have to be so tough? I just don't feel like Stephan's going to change until he's left with no other choice. He needs Jesus so much.
Is anyone out there going through this with your teen? Have you found successful ways to reach your teen? Sometimes it's just hard to parent with love and logic isn't it? Of course, I have forgotten what logic is...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Prayers Needed
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Maybe you're thinking that things have been looking a lot brighter around here these days. In some ways, yes, in a lot of ways, no.
Since my last post, Stephan is still working, which is a great positive. He almost was fired a few weeks ago, but miraculously they kept him. He's moved out again and living with a friend. Stephan's doing acid... He's dating a girl. He still has no car. We've decided to just let him have it finally, but the crank shaft is messed up. He's getting rides to work, so maybe it's best. He doesn't live with us. Richard's tried to assist him in finding somewhere for him to get it fixed. Notice I said, "assist." It's been about two months since we noticed it wouldn't crank, and Richard has told him what he needs to do. He even went to the auto supply store to help. They didn't have the part. Richard told him how to get it. Stephan went to order it... it was going to have to be on back order, so Stephan decided that would take too long and told the guy to forget it. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, you know that the part could have been here by now and his car would be on the road! Stephan doesn't do much of anything in order these days.
I bought him a pocket calendar, hoping that would help... I haven't been able to give it to him yet, because I haven't seen him. I did talk to him the other day and told him some suggestions of things he should do... it goes in one ear and out the other. We are trying to let him figure things out. It's the best way for him to come face to face with responsibility.
He had court again the other day for another ticket. I reminded him to ask off work, he forgot... and now there's a warrant for his arrest.
Two weeks ago, he was involved in a huge drug bust. He and two friends were at someone's apartment to buy acid. The dealer had stepped out and wasn't there for some reason. Long story short- the cops came in- questioned the boys. Both the other boys denied that they were there to buy drugs. When they questioned Stephan and asked if he was there to buy drugs, he politely said, "Yes sir, I am!" They arrested the other two boys and let Stephan go because of his honesty!!! Unbelievable... I can't believe this??? They did want to meet Stephan the next day and use Stephan as a decoy to catch someone else who is a big marijuana dealer! I tell you, I pray protection over him and I pray that his eyes would be opened. God gave him yet another chance to get things right!
Last Saturday, I ran my very first 5K! I did great : ) I beat my own personal time by almost 3 minutes!! I was so excited. I just kept saying, "I did it!! I did it!!" : ) The negative of this, ...and I hate to throw in a negative, but I need prayer... is that I injured my hip flexor muscle and haven't been able to walk since Saturday!! Never, ever throughout my whole training did this happen! It's just unbelievable and so painful!!! I am on crutches and slide around on the hard floor in a wheeled office chair! Yes, I'm a sight. Haha!
Two days ago, my daughter-in-law drove her van to take my son lunch where he works and the van wouldn't crank when she went out to leave. She had to go to the dentist within the next hour, so she took Brandon's jeep and planned on picking him up after work- then go order the part for the van. When she came out of the dentist's office, someone was waiting on her--- because he had backed into the jeep!!!
Brandon and Eliana only have one vehicle now, so she can't come over to be with me during the day and to top it all off-- My husband, Richard had to go to North Carolina on business this morning and won't return for six days! Yes, I need prayer.... I'm sorry to sound whiny today. I've cried off and on... but have to remind myself that things could be much worse. I need to be thankful that I'm healing- and I am.. slowly. That's a lot to praise God for.
Stephan told Richard he would call me. He just found out I couldn't walk yesterday, but I haven't heard from him yet. It's ok... Stephan just won't take our advice and that's ok too. He's going to have to figure this thing out! I trust he will.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...
Since my last post, Stephan is still working, which is a great positive. He almost was fired a few weeks ago, but miraculously they kept him. He's moved out again and living with a friend. Stephan's doing acid... He's dating a girl. He still has no car. We've decided to just let him have it finally, but the crank shaft is messed up. He's getting rides to work, so maybe it's best. He doesn't live with us. Richard's tried to assist him in finding somewhere for him to get it fixed. Notice I said, "assist." It's been about two months since we noticed it wouldn't crank, and Richard has told him what he needs to do. He even went to the auto supply store to help. They didn't have the part. Richard told him how to get it. Stephan went to order it... it was going to have to be on back order, so Stephan decided that would take too long and told the guy to forget it. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, you know that the part could have been here by now and his car would be on the road! Stephan doesn't do much of anything in order these days.
I bought him a pocket calendar, hoping that would help... I haven't been able to give it to him yet, because I haven't seen him. I did talk to him the other day and told him some suggestions of things he should do... it goes in one ear and out the other. We are trying to let him figure things out. It's the best way for him to come face to face with responsibility.
He had court again the other day for another ticket. I reminded him to ask off work, he forgot... and now there's a warrant for his arrest.
Two weeks ago, he was involved in a huge drug bust. He and two friends were at someone's apartment to buy acid. The dealer had stepped out and wasn't there for some reason. Long story short- the cops came in- questioned the boys. Both the other boys denied that they were there to buy drugs. When they questioned Stephan and asked if he was there to buy drugs, he politely said, "Yes sir, I am!" They arrested the other two boys and let Stephan go because of his honesty!!! Unbelievable... I can't believe this??? They did want to meet Stephan the next day and use Stephan as a decoy to catch someone else who is a big marijuana dealer! I tell you, I pray protection over him and I pray that his eyes would be opened. God gave him yet another chance to get things right!
Last Saturday, I ran my very first 5K! I did great : ) I beat my own personal time by almost 3 minutes!! I was so excited. I just kept saying, "I did it!! I did it!!" : ) The negative of this, ...and I hate to throw in a negative, but I need prayer... is that I injured my hip flexor muscle and haven't been able to walk since Saturday!! Never, ever throughout my whole training did this happen! It's just unbelievable and so painful!!! I am on crutches and slide around on the hard floor in a wheeled office chair! Yes, I'm a sight. Haha!
Two days ago, my daughter-in-law drove her van to take my son lunch where he works and the van wouldn't crank when she went out to leave. She had to go to the dentist within the next hour, so she took Brandon's jeep and planned on picking him up after work- then go order the part for the van. When she came out of the dentist's office, someone was waiting on her--- because he had backed into the jeep!!!
Brandon and Eliana only have one vehicle now, so she can't come over to be with me during the day and to top it all off-- My husband, Richard had to go to North Carolina on business this morning and won't return for six days! Yes, I need prayer.... I'm sorry to sound whiny today. I've cried off and on... but have to remind myself that things could be much worse. I need to be thankful that I'm healing- and I am.. slowly. That's a lot to praise God for.
Stephan told Richard he would call me. He just found out I couldn't walk yesterday, but I haven't heard from him yet. It's ok... Stephan just won't take our advice and that's ok too. He's going to have to figure this thing out! I trust he will.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
So How Does Less Active = Proactive?
I've been doing a lot of praying lately. Stephan has been at his job for, I guess, three weeks now! He gave Richard some money to set aside for his upcoming expenses and will get paid again this Friday. I am really proud of him for this!
He has court Thursday for the tickets he incurred a few months ago, which will cost him 300.00+. He didn't show up for court when he was supposed too, so there are "fees" to be paid as well. He owes Richard some money for car repairs on his car and he'll need to pay his car insurance and keep that paid monthly. He's still not driving his car. I don't know when I'll be comfortable with that, but it has to come to pass at some point.
Like I said, I am bathing that boy in prayer and I also came to some conclusions this morning as I drove him to work. These "conclusions" are the same conclusions that I have came up with before, just different situations or scenarios... I really want him to be successful now that he is off chemical drugs and seems to really be trying to get his life in order. As I mentioned before, we still encounter "speed bumps" on occasion. He IS off the chemicals, praise God, but has come home once this week drenched in marijuana. You know, we've come so far... We talked about it and told him it has to stop. We went through all the dangers of it and it leading back to other drugs, etc. I can't imagine how hard this is for him. I know this could sound crazy, but smokin' a little pot seems so insignificant at this point, compared to where we've been, but we ARE working through it day by day. He's even noticing little things about his friends that really sound encouraging to me. Things like- how his friend Caleb sleeps all day, doesn't work, isn't looking for a job and mooches off his grandmother for money! Stephan says, "that's just not right!" He's genuinely upset over that and I'm really glad!! So, like I said, day by day, we're working with him to get things back in order and we're making good ground. I really want him to work hard, be a good employee, get his debt paid and get on top of his finances, so that things will really start changing for him in the near future. But, you have to notice the word "I" in my first sentence. I'm here to tell you that the word "I" is my problem.
"I" realized it again today and it all started with Stephan being his usual self. He's a guy right? How long does it take a guy to get up, shower, eat and get dressed? For most guys, not long! It takes Stephan exactly an hour... He's so ritualistic in "how" he gets himself ready and has his grooming techniques down to an art. I'm not saying these things are bad.. it's just that our argument on the way to work this morning was all about allowing himself enough "time" to groom, so he can get to work on time. Today, he was seven minutes late... It was the first day he had been late!
Picture this: "I'm" making sure he's up- and he was... I hear the shower cut off, I look at the time- we're cutting it close, ok? I start yelling up the stairs reminding him of the time, asking him what he wants to eat. Finally, he comes down to eat and I frantically tell him that we need to leave in TWO minutes if he's to get to work on time! He said- "MOM, after I eat, I need to go to the bathroom, then I have to smoke a cigarette, so I don't go crazy on people at work! Chill out, every body's late once in a while!"--- I told him, "Yeah, the people who come in late once in a while are the people who never get promoted and are at risk of getting fired once in a while too!!!" -Then, I told him to go eat his Cocoa Krispies on the toilet to save time... and he did! I know that's funny, but it sure wasn't at the time!
All the way to work, I'm trying to teach him the importance of setting his clock earlier to give himself time to get ready, so that he's not rushed and can get to work on time. He actually told me that he was just going to tell everyone that my car battery was dead and we got locked out of the house and the neighbor had to come let us in, then we had to jump the car off! I said, "Oh, more lies!" Then I told him all about how lies only lead to more lies... then we went back to time management and how if he'd set his clock earlier, he wouldn't feel that he needed to come up with any lies at all! Plus, I offered him even "more" wisdom about how his Dad worked hard on his job to honor God when we lived in NC, and he was promoted to another job, then his faithfulness on that job landed him another job, which led us here! Giving your child examples of faithfulness is a great thing, but it's only great if they take it to heart and then walk in faith themselves doing their best to honor God and seek His blessing on their lives. All in all, I hope Stephan heard how faithfulness leads to blessing and slothfulness leads to nothing. The truth of the matter is: Stephan already knows all this! He's been trained...
What I realized again today is that it seems like "I" want so much more for Stephan than Stephan wants for Stephan! Right before we pulled in the parking lot, I wanted to try and change the scene a little. I didn't want him going to work aggravated- although he caused it. I let him know that I loved him and only wanted what was best for him, BUT- I reminded him that I didn't need a job, so ME getting him to work on time was not MY responsibility, it was his. I told him I hoped he would take all I said into consideration and that getting to work on time tomorrow was entirely up to him! I'm simply the Taxi! That's really the way I have got to look at it.
You just don't know how badly I want things to keep going well... I take it upon myself to try and see that it does! Thing is- "I" can't DO it! Just like Stephan, I even have to keep reminding "myself" of things I already know!
My conclusion- I'm going to have to let him do it! ALL of it! I'm going to have to let him fail and let him fall if that's what it takes for him to learn to survive on his own. If he gets fired- it will be a lesson learned! If he gets in trouble for being late- it's a lesson learned! If he spends all of his money and doesn't have enough for his tickets- it's a lesson learned! If he doesn't pay his car insurance, wrecks his car and looses all the money he's spent on his car- it's a lesson learned.
I've been praying especially for a good girl to come into Stephan's life. Someone who he will just fall head over heels for. Someone he respects so much to the degree, he'd doing anything to protect her, want to be there for her, want to be the best he can be, because he cares for her and wants her to be proud of him. Someone who would love Stephan for who he really is inside, not for where he's been. Someone who can bring out the best in him and vice versa. She's out there... somewhere : )
Today, I'm reminding myself AGAIN not to be proactive in Stephan's affairs. By stepping aside and letting the repercussions of life happen for him because of his own actions, we make a lot more progress in the long run. Real progress... This period of trial and error is where real growth and knowledge can happen. It's where Mama becomes less active, so that "Stephan" learns to be proactive!
This... is how Less Active = Proactive!!
He has court Thursday for the tickets he incurred a few months ago, which will cost him 300.00+. He didn't show up for court when he was supposed too, so there are "fees" to be paid as well. He owes Richard some money for car repairs on his car and he'll need to pay his car insurance and keep that paid monthly. He's still not driving his car. I don't know when I'll be comfortable with that, but it has to come to pass at some point.
Like I said, I am bathing that boy in prayer and I also came to some conclusions this morning as I drove him to work. These "conclusions" are the same conclusions that I have came up with before, just different situations or scenarios... I really want him to be successful now that he is off chemical drugs and seems to really be trying to get his life in order. As I mentioned before, we still encounter "speed bumps" on occasion. He IS off the chemicals, praise God, but has come home once this week drenched in marijuana. You know, we've come so far... We talked about it and told him it has to stop. We went through all the dangers of it and it leading back to other drugs, etc. I can't imagine how hard this is for him. I know this could sound crazy, but smokin' a little pot seems so insignificant at this point, compared to where we've been, but we ARE working through it day by day. He's even noticing little things about his friends that really sound encouraging to me. Things like- how his friend Caleb sleeps all day, doesn't work, isn't looking for a job and mooches off his grandmother for money! Stephan says, "that's just not right!" He's genuinely upset over that and I'm really glad!! So, like I said, day by day, we're working with him to get things back in order and we're making good ground. I really want him to work hard, be a good employee, get his debt paid and get on top of his finances, so that things will really start changing for him in the near future. But, you have to notice the word "I" in my first sentence. I'm here to tell you that the word "I" is my problem.
"I" realized it again today and it all started with Stephan being his usual self. He's a guy right? How long does it take a guy to get up, shower, eat and get dressed? For most guys, not long! It takes Stephan exactly an hour... He's so ritualistic in "how" he gets himself ready and has his grooming techniques down to an art. I'm not saying these things are bad.. it's just that our argument on the way to work this morning was all about allowing himself enough "time" to groom, so he can get to work on time. Today, he was seven minutes late... It was the first day he had been late!
Picture this: "I'm" making sure he's up- and he was... I hear the shower cut off, I look at the time- we're cutting it close, ok? I start yelling up the stairs reminding him of the time, asking him what he wants to eat. Finally, he comes down to eat and I frantically tell him that we need to leave in TWO minutes if he's to get to work on time! He said- "MOM, after I eat, I need to go to the bathroom, then I have to smoke a cigarette, so I don't go crazy on people at work! Chill out, every body's late once in a while!"--- I told him, "Yeah, the people who come in late once in a while are the people who never get promoted and are at risk of getting fired once in a while too!!!" -Then, I told him to go eat his Cocoa Krispies on the toilet to save time... and he did! I know that's funny, but it sure wasn't at the time!
All the way to work, I'm trying to teach him the importance of setting his clock earlier to give himself time to get ready, so that he's not rushed and can get to work on time. He actually told me that he was just going to tell everyone that my car battery was dead and we got locked out of the house and the neighbor had to come let us in, then we had to jump the car off! I said, "Oh, more lies!" Then I told him all about how lies only lead to more lies... then we went back to time management and how if he'd set his clock earlier, he wouldn't feel that he needed to come up with any lies at all! Plus, I offered him even "more" wisdom about how his Dad worked hard on his job to honor God when we lived in NC, and he was promoted to another job, then his faithfulness on that job landed him another job, which led us here! Giving your child examples of faithfulness is a great thing, but it's only great if they take it to heart and then walk in faith themselves doing their best to honor God and seek His blessing on their lives. All in all, I hope Stephan heard how faithfulness leads to blessing and slothfulness leads to nothing. The truth of the matter is: Stephan already knows all this! He's been trained...
What I realized again today is that it seems like "I" want so much more for Stephan than Stephan wants for Stephan! Right before we pulled in the parking lot, I wanted to try and change the scene a little. I didn't want him going to work aggravated- although he caused it. I let him know that I loved him and only wanted what was best for him, BUT- I reminded him that I didn't need a job, so ME getting him to work on time was not MY responsibility, it was his. I told him I hoped he would take all I said into consideration and that getting to work on time tomorrow was entirely up to him! I'm simply the Taxi! That's really the way I have got to look at it.
You just don't know how badly I want things to keep going well... I take it upon myself to try and see that it does! Thing is- "I" can't DO it! Just like Stephan, I even have to keep reminding "myself" of things I already know!
My conclusion- I'm going to have to let him do it! ALL of it! I'm going to have to let him fail and let him fall if that's what it takes for him to learn to survive on his own. If he gets fired- it will be a lesson learned! If he gets in trouble for being late- it's a lesson learned! If he spends all of his money and doesn't have enough for his tickets- it's a lesson learned! If he doesn't pay his car insurance, wrecks his car and looses all the money he's spent on his car- it's a lesson learned.
I've been praying especially for a good girl to come into Stephan's life. Someone who he will just fall head over heels for. Someone he respects so much to the degree, he'd doing anything to protect her, want to be there for her, want to be the best he can be, because he cares for her and wants her to be proud of him. Someone who would love Stephan for who he really is inside, not for where he's been. Someone who can bring out the best in him and vice versa. She's out there... somewhere : )
Today, I'm reminding myself AGAIN not to be proactive in Stephan's affairs. By stepping aside and letting the repercussions of life happen for him because of his own actions, we make a lot more progress in the long run. Real progress... This period of trial and error is where real growth and knowledge can happen. It's where Mama becomes less active, so that "Stephan" learns to be proactive!
This... is how Less Active = Proactive!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Speed Hump!
Wednesday evening I was getting ready for church. I had to be there early because I had to sing that night, so my nerves were simmering just a little. Tis a good thing- To be nervous about something good I think! I was listening to my music, praying, and painting my face, as daddy used to call it : ) All of a sudden, Stephan came running into my bathroom screaming something about my car windshield being broken and how someone must have done it while I was showering!! I guess my brain was on praise and prayer mode and I couldn't seem to adjust myself to the situation. I was in a state of brain fog for a minute or two trying to come to the realization that someone had come into my driveway and busted my windshield out!!! He also started blurting out things like, "can you fix this? ...do you have insurance?
I began asking Stephan questions- now in frantic mode- as I made my way outside. As he showed me what he had been screaming about and began to tell me the story of how he discovered it. He said that he came outside, saw the windshield, looked for signs of a break in and walked around the house to see if he could see anyone fleeing the scene of the crime.
I stood there considering all the facts. I also considered that our car, and many other cars in our neighborhood have been broken into several times during the last five years. It was like 5:00 in the afternoon, people were fishing, nothing was taken, so why would someone just come bust my windshield and leave?
I asked Stephan if he had any enemies that may have come and done this thinking my car- was his car. Stephan said, "my car is parked out (front) and it's a Prelude. If they wanted to do this to me, they would have known I drove a Prelude, not an Infinity!" Of course, Stephan doesn't drive anything right now... but his car is parked out front.
As I investigated the big "smash" in my windshield, I looked at Stephan and told him that it looked like a basketball hit it. I said, "Were you playing basketball?" He said, "NO, I knew you would think I did it! I thought about not even telling you and just letting you find it yourself!" He said, "Are you calling the cops?" I told him of course I would if he didn't do it and that it needed to be reported! He said, "Well, you know I didn't pay those tickets yet and if they come here, they'll arrest me and I'll loose my job!" He said, " you call the cops and I'll leave, that way you can get it reported... Will the insurance pay for this?" I said, "Stephan if you did this, just be honest.." He said, "I'm leaving... I've been doing good lately- doing everything right.." I interrupted him and told him that he has to understand that he has told soooo many lies lately that we don't know what to believe. I told him that he simply has a lot of trust to earn back and my questioning him doesn't necessarily mean I'm accusing him, it just means we need to be honest with one another to begin the process of being able to trust again! Then I said, "If you didn't do it, I'll call Dad, he can call the cops- We DO have insurance... don't worry...!"
Richard came home and I drove his truck to church. Richard stayed behind to call the cops and Stephan did leave at some point. While I was at church, I admit I was a little shaken by the whole thing. I wanted to believe Stephan, I really did! But still, there was part of me that wondered why he would have lied about it. The other part of me wondered why someone else would bust my windshield out in BROAD daylight! I tried to put it all out of my mind and just focus on what was important. It was a great service!
I walked in the door when I got home and asked Richard if he called the cops, he said, no." Then he showed me a picture that he had taken with his phone that showed the print of a basketball on the hood of my car. We have had SO much pollen here, it's unbelievable! You had to be at the right angle to see it, but there it was.. a perfect, "yellow' print of a basketball. Richard and I began to discuss why he would have lied about it and we came up with two things:
One- He has really been trying to get his finances in order. He's looking forward to his first check that will hopefully pay off these two tickets and possibly.. pay for his cell phone bill. Which will mean he gets his phone back. Then he's going to work to pay Richard back a few hundred dollars he owes him, then he wants to get the insurance back on his car and pay that monthly! After he gets all this in order, he'll be on his way to whatever other goals he has in mind, but he'll be free from debt! He's got it all planned out, which is an awesome thing! I am so proud of him for working toward his goals. He even asked to work another day this week and they let him! Stephan told me that that might be his cell phone money! This is real progress in my eyes! I really feel like he came up with this cockamamie story, because he was so afraid that if he told the truth, we'd make him pay for it! I also think that "HE thought" that you have to file a police report in order to turn it in on the insurance before they will cover it, which is why he was so worried about us having insurance. You see, he's had three wrecks and the police reports have had to be turned in to the insurance company... I really think that this was what he was thinking.
Two: He HAS done really good lately. He's not been intoxicated for almost two weeks now and he is making so many baby steps. He's going in the right direction for a change!! I honestly think he was afraid of disappointing us! Not that he busted out the windshield, but that it was going to "cost" to get it replaced. He knows that we spent a lot of money on Rehab... and when things start going well- he's costing us money again! Bless his heart... I know that Stephan didn't do this on purpose. That I know for sure. He should have moved my car... but it was an accident!
Stephan came home and we didn't say anything to him. I fixed him something to eat and we all went to bed. The next day, I called the insurance company and told them my car had been attacked by a basketball. I didn't know if our insurance would cover it or not, or if it did, we'd probably owe a deductible large enough to pay for it in full! Anyway, there is not deductible and it covers it in full!! I admit, I was so glad to hear this!
That night- which was last night- Stephan came home around nine o'clock (an hour early!!) and asked about the windshield. Richard told him they were coming to replace it Tuesday. Richard also told Stephan he knew what happened. Stephan immediately chimed in and said, "What, how do you know what happened?" Richard told Stephan he was Sherlock Holmes... He said, "haven't you ever seen that movie?" Stephan squinted, then smirked... Richard invited Stephan outside for an investigation and told Stephan he could be Watson! Richard got the flashlight and told Stephan to bend down and showed Stephan this perfect indention of a basketball right on my hood...
Stephan started chattering away... "DUDE,.. I WAS JUST SHOOTING FREE THROWS! MAN, I NEVER, ..I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THE WINDSHIELD! IT JUST BOUNCED OFF AND HIT IT! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!"
For the next thirty minutes or so, Richard and Stephan talked about honesty. Stephan asked Richard if he thought it was bad luck. Richard didn't quite know what he meant by that and asked Stephan to explain. Stephan told him that things in his life were going good and now this happened, he said, "do you think it's just something like bad luck to get me messed up again?" Richard told Stephan that the only way anything can get him messed up again is if he lets it! He told Stephan that when things seem to be going well for him and one little thing like this goes wrong- Stephan lets that one little thing trip him up and he falls completely off the deep end! He told him that he has to keep on going... and keep his goals in mind... and be honest!
We've decided not to mention it ever again. I know Stephan's lied to us so much in the past and we're trying to get through it all. But I never want Stephan to feel like he can't come to us either, especially in a situation like this. God shows me grace and mercy everyday... I want to extend the same to my son. We have a long road ahead and this was a "speed hump" that slowed us down a bit, but we got over it. I hope that it's a lesson to Stephan in the days ahead that he knows he can come to us with anything.. and just be honest.
I began asking Stephan questions- now in frantic mode- as I made my way outside. As he showed me what he had been screaming about and began to tell me the story of how he discovered it. He said that he came outside, saw the windshield, looked for signs of a break in and walked around the house to see if he could see anyone fleeing the scene of the crime.
I stood there considering all the facts. I also considered that our car, and many other cars in our neighborhood have been broken into several times during the last five years. It was like 5:00 in the afternoon, people were fishing, nothing was taken, so why would someone just come bust my windshield and leave?
I asked Stephan if he had any enemies that may have come and done this thinking my car- was his car. Stephan said, "my car is parked out (front) and it's a Prelude. If they wanted to do this to me, they would have known I drove a Prelude, not an Infinity!" Of course, Stephan doesn't drive anything right now... but his car is parked out front.
As I investigated the big "smash" in my windshield, I looked at Stephan and told him that it looked like a basketball hit it. I said, "Were you playing basketball?" He said, "NO, I knew you would think I did it! I thought about not even telling you and just letting you find it yourself!" He said, "Are you calling the cops?" I told him of course I would if he didn't do it and that it needed to be reported! He said, "Well, you know I didn't pay those tickets yet and if they come here, they'll arrest me and I'll loose my job!" He said, " you call the cops and I'll leave, that way you can get it reported... Will the insurance pay for this?" I said, "Stephan if you did this, just be honest.." He said, "I'm leaving... I've been doing good lately- doing everything right.." I interrupted him and told him that he has to understand that he has told soooo many lies lately that we don't know what to believe. I told him that he simply has a lot of trust to earn back and my questioning him doesn't necessarily mean I'm accusing him, it just means we need to be honest with one another to begin the process of being able to trust again! Then I said, "If you didn't do it, I'll call Dad, he can call the cops- We DO have insurance... don't worry...!"
Richard came home and I drove his truck to church. Richard stayed behind to call the cops and Stephan did leave at some point. While I was at church, I admit I was a little shaken by the whole thing. I wanted to believe Stephan, I really did! But still, there was part of me that wondered why he would have lied about it. The other part of me wondered why someone else would bust my windshield out in BROAD daylight! I tried to put it all out of my mind and just focus on what was important. It was a great service!
I walked in the door when I got home and asked Richard if he called the cops, he said, no." Then he showed me a picture that he had taken with his phone that showed the print of a basketball on the hood of my car. We have had SO much pollen here, it's unbelievable! You had to be at the right angle to see it, but there it was.. a perfect, "yellow' print of a basketball. Richard and I began to discuss why he would have lied about it and we came up with two things:
One- He has really been trying to get his finances in order. He's looking forward to his first check that will hopefully pay off these two tickets and possibly.. pay for his cell phone bill. Which will mean he gets his phone back. Then he's going to work to pay Richard back a few hundred dollars he owes him, then he wants to get the insurance back on his car and pay that monthly! After he gets all this in order, he'll be on his way to whatever other goals he has in mind, but he'll be free from debt! He's got it all planned out, which is an awesome thing! I am so proud of him for working toward his goals. He even asked to work another day this week and they let him! Stephan told me that that might be his cell phone money! This is real progress in my eyes! I really feel like he came up with this cockamamie story, because he was so afraid that if he told the truth, we'd make him pay for it! I also think that "HE thought" that you have to file a police report in order to turn it in on the insurance before they will cover it, which is why he was so worried about us having insurance. You see, he's had three wrecks and the police reports have had to be turned in to the insurance company... I really think that this was what he was thinking.
Two: He HAS done really good lately. He's not been intoxicated for almost two weeks now and he is making so many baby steps. He's going in the right direction for a change!! I honestly think he was afraid of disappointing us! Not that he busted out the windshield, but that it was going to "cost" to get it replaced. He knows that we spent a lot of money on Rehab... and when things start going well- he's costing us money again! Bless his heart... I know that Stephan didn't do this on purpose. That I know for sure. He should have moved my car... but it was an accident!
Stephan came home and we didn't say anything to him. I fixed him something to eat and we all went to bed. The next day, I called the insurance company and told them my car had been attacked by a basketball. I didn't know if our insurance would cover it or not, or if it did, we'd probably owe a deductible large enough to pay for it in full! Anyway, there is not deductible and it covers it in full!! I admit, I was so glad to hear this!
That night- which was last night- Stephan came home around nine o'clock (an hour early!!) and asked about the windshield. Richard told him they were coming to replace it Tuesday. Richard also told Stephan he knew what happened. Stephan immediately chimed in and said, "What, how do you know what happened?" Richard told Stephan he was Sherlock Holmes... He said, "haven't you ever seen that movie?" Stephan squinted, then smirked... Richard invited Stephan outside for an investigation and told Stephan he could be Watson! Richard got the flashlight and told Stephan to bend down and showed Stephan this perfect indention of a basketball right on my hood...
Stephan started chattering away... "DUDE,.. I WAS JUST SHOOTING FREE THROWS! MAN, I NEVER, ..I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THE WINDSHIELD! IT JUST BOUNCED OFF AND HIT IT! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!"
For the next thirty minutes or so, Richard and Stephan talked about honesty. Stephan asked Richard if he thought it was bad luck. Richard didn't quite know what he meant by that and asked Stephan to explain. Stephan told him that things in his life were going good and now this happened, he said, "do you think it's just something like bad luck to get me messed up again?" Richard told Stephan that the only way anything can get him messed up again is if he lets it! He told Stephan that when things seem to be going well for him and one little thing like this goes wrong- Stephan lets that one little thing trip him up and he falls completely off the deep end! He told him that he has to keep on going... and keep his goals in mind... and be honest!
We've decided not to mention it ever again. I know Stephan's lied to us so much in the past and we're trying to get through it all. But I never want Stephan to feel like he can't come to us either, especially in a situation like this. God shows me grace and mercy everyday... I want to extend the same to my son. We have a long road ahead and this was a "speed hump" that slowed us down a bit, but we got over it. I hope that it's a lesson to Stephan in the days ahead that he knows he can come to us with anything.. and just be honest.
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