When It Takes a While

I wanted to share a devotion that my friend, Tami wrote. She is a writer for ZooKeepers Ministries and she too has prayed for her prodigal son for many years. The key here is prayer... Prayer reaches beyond what we can think or feel and.. when we don't even know what "to" pray we trust that the Holy Spirit is going before the Lord on our behalf. It's then we sit and meditate on God's Word. I've gotten my Bible out and prayed scripture when I didn't know what to pray... My point is... pray! Tami has much to praise the Lord for today because of her faithfulness to prayer... Read her words:

Friday: When it Takes Awhile

Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 25:5 (NASB95)I want to close this week of Doses by sharing a bit of encouragement with you regarding a specific prayer being answered in a way far different from anything I would have imagined or initially preferred.

I've shared bits and pieces here and there about our older son and his choice of living a prodigal lifestyle. I can promise you that God has used that situation to teach me a TON about persistent prayer! In 2002, God gave me a promise from Philemon and that promise has been my anchor is a very turbulent storm.

Here's the promise, straight from Philemon 15-16: For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.

On another occasion, the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray for him to be drawn back with cords of love. I had no idea at the time that what I had been instructed to pray was found almost word for word in Hosea 11:4. Truthfully, I had been praying, "Lord, if you need to send a Mac truck to draw Him back to you, that's ok!" God's ways are so much better, aren't they!?

Not long after Christmas, the announcement was made that we were going to be grandparents. Joshua and his girlfriend were pregnant! This was not my plan for the my firstborn son but the Lord began to remind me of the promises and Scriptures He had given me to pray. In January, I revamped my prayer journal ... one specific thing for each person ... no more of this praying for all kinds of things ... I would focus on just one thing for each person this year and base it on a specific Scripture.

I am delighted to tell you that there has been exponential growth in my son; our relationship is stronger than it has been in almost ten years and if I could search the world over, I could not find a more perfect young woman for him! God has used some pretty cool cords of love to draw a young couple to Himself.

I suppose I could reject God's answer to my prayers because it didn't come packaged as I had imagined or I can embrace every ounce of it and enjoy the blessings of a restored and expanded family. God gives us choices.

When answers don't seem to come or if they come in unexpected wrappings, I encourage you to press in to the One who loves you and longs to have a relationship with you. He will give you light for the journey and answers along the way. He desires for us to run this race of life with endurance so that we will become perfectly mature, complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:4). Constant communication with our heavenly Father makes this possible. I encourage you to determine today to make prayer a top priority for all of your days.

From my heart to yours,

Tami

Daily Decisions

You know, the last post I posted about Stephan we were pretty upset because he couldn't seem to get home on time. I guess we felt as if we were being taken advantage of by him and when there is no rule he will follow... then what's a parent to do?

We've already "kicked him out." Not that we wanted to. We felt it was best... Best in the aspect of him learning to be thankful for a house to stay in and around parents who love him. In one of my previous posts, we see where he ended up. He was living with gangsters... After all of that horrible situation, we felt he was safer living with us despite what we were dealing with. Sometimes life is hard and decisions we make are hard. The decisions we do make, I want to make sure it's for his best interest.

It seems that no matter what Stephan goes through, like being kicked out, he is better for a season once things are over. He does seem to learn valuable lessons. He admits openly the things he has learned! Sorrowfully, his season usually only lasts for about one week before he's back doing the same ole stuff.

I knew in my heart that jail was coming. I've known this for sometime. Last week- the time came! He had been driving around with some friends and Stephan threw a beer bottle out the window. A citizen reported them and not long after that phone call, a cop pulled them over, searched the car, and found more beer. All three kids in the car were under age and all three kids went to jail.

We had made our minds up that we were not going to bail him out and we didn't. He was there for two days.

He came home and seemed to have this new attitude! He was set on getting a job and swore up and down that he was finished with pot and drinking!! He put in about 15 job applications that week!

I have to tell you that I've had my hopes built up so many times, only to have those hopes shattered like glass beneath my feet, so I was not emotionally able to believe him. I just couldn't let myself believe it was over.

I loved on him that week. We did some things together. I took him to the animal shelter to get some volunteer forms. I had actually been praying about something like this. Something that Stephan could do, volunteer wise that would help build his self esteem and give him a sense of giving of himself. That always makes him feel good. It was a good week.... It was short lived.

Right now, we are back where we were, but he is home and that's where he is safest...for now. There is just no balance in our life right now. Just no balance... So, we make daily decisions that seem to change as often as the direction of the wind.

When Others Hurt You

If you have a child on drugs, then it's probable that you have felt as if your child, you, or even your own character or parenting ability has been evaluated by many others. You have been critiqued. You've been examined and measured. You've been judged! Ouch, that's such a harsh word...

I think that for most women, it's so easy for us to wear our emotions on our sleeves. When things like this happen, it cuts deep. These types of hurts leave wounds and scars that are not easily healed. Women loose trust in others, especially in other women when they have been hurt. What's worse, is they loose their freedom in finding confidence in others to seek wise counsel or.. just a shoulder to cry on. It's a lonely battle to face alone.

For "a mother"... feeling as if you are being judged because of the actions of your teen leaves you with a "fight or flight" feeling almost. We are protective! We either want to push our child behind us while we duke it out with someone, or we want to snatch our child up into our arms and run to get away from whatever we feel could bring hurt to our child! Now, I would never duke it out with someone, but just for the sake of letting you know how I feel, those words do seem to have the punch I was looking for!

I tell you, the feeling of being judged, critiqued, measured, examined... or even "thinking" we are being judged, especially from ones we know in the Christian community, is a feeling that can bring the most hurt to our hearts. How do you get the feeling that you're being judged? Well, sometimes, it can be things that people say to you or your child. Sometimes, it's a look or a stare. Sometimes, it's someone ignoring you in the grocery store and acting as if you are not even there. Sometimes, it's the way they squint to look at your child, then at you. It's those curious expressions that make you feel as if you are being examined, when truthfully, you really have no idea what they are thinking! I've questioned my paranoia several times! I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just me! At times, it has been me... Other times, it hasn't. Someone has verbalized harsh statements to me and it hurts...it just does.

Sometimes, members of your own family... your own "flesh and blood," can be harsh in their opinions of what you should do or say... or what you "should've" done!! Thankfully, ours have not. They've been mostly hurt themselves by Stephan's choices. They love him and want what's best for him as we do. They want to help, but don't have the slightest idea how. They are in the same situation as we are as far as having a desire to do something or say "just the right thing" to change him or change his mind about his choices! I know myself that only Stephan can do this himself. Stephan allowing Christ to change him from the inside out is his only hope and we can't make that decision for him either.. I pray earnestly for a turning point in his life.

Some of my family members are not even Christians, so why does it seem that they love him unconditionally and do not even understand the unconditional love of God? Why do some Christians that I am surrounded by, who do understand sin, being saved from sin themselves, and who "do" also understand the unconditional love that God gives- not see Stephan as God does?
The verse in Romans 5:8 is coming to mind:
But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


I tell you, I would be lying if I said to you- "Girl, I am suuuch a strong Christian- I have rose above all of this.. yes I have!" I could even say it with a little "tude" and with total confidence in myself! Perhaps a little jerking of the head as I say it with some "tude!" Yeah, that's it!!

The truth is: I am "trying" to rise above. I am seeking God's Word for comfort and understanding. I am asking Him for strength to not ever, ever make someone else feel as I have been made to feel by others. I am learning...

My husband gave the challenge for everyone in our Sunday School class to read all of Psalms 119 before eating lunch yesterday! People usually go to lunch right after church and Psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, so this was a great challenge!! I began my reading in the car after church and at our table as I sat with a bowl of hot chips right in front of me. Psalms 119 is about God's Word! As we read through, we see words like law, testimonies, ways, precepts, statutes, commandments, judgements, and Word. These are all synonyms "for" God's Word in this chapter. This whole chapter describes the importance of God's Word! It is a lengthy celebration of God's Word! The psalmist can not stop praising God for His mercy and goodness in providing His people with instructions for living!! The psalmist has a sincere hunger and thirst for the Word...

As I read through, it spoke to me in many ways. The more I read, I not only was NOT tempted by the hot chips in front of me... I was comforted. I was satisfied as I found myself eating from God's Word.
Verse 9: "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to your Word." Just as I said above, Stephan, or your child, can only cleanse their way if they take heed to God's Word.
In verse 11, it reminded me that I am to hide God's Word in my heart that I might not sin against Him.
Verse 17 asks for God to deal bountifully with us and we may live and keep His Word.
Verse 21, God rebukes the proud.
Verse 22, asks God to remove reproach and contempt from our lives. Right after that in 23, he says that princes have sat and spoke against him, but he meditated on His statutes.. 24, Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors!
28-32, his soul is heavy.. He asks for strength according to God's Word. He desires truth and shows a willingness to follow. He asks God to enlarge his heart!
In 69, the proud forged lies against him. In 70, their hearts are fat as grease. In 78, he asks that the proud be ashamed, for they treated him wrongfully with falsehood, and he will meditate on His Precepts.
80- Let MY heart be blameless regarding Your Statutes, that I may not be ashamed.

If you read on and on through these 176 verses, you can see that the psalmist describes a hostile world that we live in. But in the same breath, he describes a deep desire to remain faithful to God and His Word. He expresses an allegiance to God's Word that he will not abandon, even under pressure! He regularly affirms a delight in God's Word! : )

You would also assume that the people the psalmist is speaking of that bring hurt to him are non- believers. They probably are... But there are verses in scripture that speaks of carnality and immature Christians such as 1 Corinthians 3:1-3: "1 Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?"

I just have to remind myself that perhaps people that I encounter are possibly not in God's Word. Maybe... they are having an "off" day. We all do from time to time. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe "I" am judging someone for their curious expressions, assuming I know what they are thinking! If people I encounter are not seeking God, or are not in His Word, then how can they possibly have the right attitude toward others?

One example, of someone not having a right attitude.. and the only example I'll give is probably a result of a fellow brother not being in God's Word, or just not living it out for this moment, but here it is: Stephan was at church and in the Gatheria with a young girl. This is a girl that we have been praying about. She's a sweet-heart. She and Stephan would make such a good match, although it's not for us to determine. : ) Back peddling a bit, back to the past- Stephan had made a remark a few months ago that he just needed a good girl and that perhaps this "good girl" could encourage him to be better. Well, this is a hole that only Christ can fill, but surrounding himself with people who bring encouragement him and lift him up is- in my opinion, also heading in a positive direction! Anyway, they were together in the Gatheria. Someone walked up to she and Stephan. He was an adult... He spoke to Stephan's friend, Allison. They exchanged some "how are you's." Then, this adult said to her... "I see who you are with!" He said this right in front of Stephan! My heart was broken as Stephan was telling me this... Stephan, said that he told this man this: " I know my life isn't perfect, but I guess you didn't hear Brother Doug's sermon today about love and forgiveness and that all people sin. There are people in this world that only come to church just to say they came. They really don't love God and they are hypocrites. There are also people that come to church and say they love God and treat people mean.. Well, they are hypocrites too!" Then Stephan walked off.... and left them both standing. Stephan was right...! People that say they love God, but treat people mean, I'd have to say is the worst Hypocrite of all...

Now, I do have to say... this is one person out of 1000 that have been nothing but encouraging to Stephan. We have a wonderful church family. I think this particular person saying this really got to me, because he and his wife also have a son that has been/is still on drugs. Shouldn't he have more of an understanding and compassion for Stephan? Like I said, perhaps this was just not his day where he lived out God's Word... Maybe he's struggling in another area and he spoke out of his own frustrations... I don't know...

Well, my conclusions to all of this is:

It doesn't matter what others do or say. What matters most is that I am doing what I need to do for my own life to live according to God's Word and do what pleases Him and do what brings glory to Him. I am praying for my son... There are others praying for him as well. If some people think I am a bad mother or a bad person.. or that my child is... Well, what matters most is what my Heavenly Father knows. He sees into the depth of our hearts. His Holy Spirit resides within me. The only person I am accountable to is Him. The only person I need to please is Him. The source of my guidance and direction- is Him!

What matters- is how "I" respond or how I treat others. I am to also love my enemies and those who may spitefully use me. I have to remember that I am blessed when I am persecuted (Matt. 5:11) As long as I am living, learning, and loving I am pleasing my Father and He will bring blessing to me and my family. As long as He is leading me, then our decisions are between He and us, they are of no consequence to anyone else. I have to place my trust in Him. Not feel fulfillment in pleasing anyone.. but Him. This brings me to a place of perfect peace...

It does hurt to know your child is hurt, especially by someone that you expect to show grace and mercy. I also talked to Stephan about it and told him the man was wrong. I told him I was sorry he was hurt. We talked about the things he said to the man. At the same time, although the man was wrong, I told Stephan that he needs to forgive him. I believe Stephan understood. God has taught me more about grace, mercy and compassion for my own life lately... I am trying to teach that to my son... and that, my friend's... is what matters most.

Making Decisions For "Your" Teen...

I traveled to North Carolina a few weeks ago and was able to meet with a dear friend of mine! I call her my Christian mentor. She and her husband have a son who has been/is still on drugs. They have fought this battle for about 8 years I believe. As she and I were sitting outside talking we were talking about decisions we have made, or are trying to make for our sons. There are many times that people just don't understand why you make certain decisions. You may have family members who say, "Well, if I were you, I'd..." or " "You need too..." You know, it's your child and you know your child better than anyone besides the Holy Spirit of God. Listening to the Holy Spirit is your best bet! Things may not make sense to others as to the decisions you make for your child, and who cares?

I was talking to another friend of mine the other day with a small, nine MONTH old child. She is up at night with her a lot. She still nurses during the night. I could look at that situation and offer advise, because both of mine were sleeping all night at six and eight "weeks" old. What the Lord has taught me over these past few weeks is: Sometimes, situations are different. Children are different... With infants and teens! You just have to do what you feel is best at the time and what you feel is best with your child. I'm not up with my friend every night. I am not suffering from sleep deprivation, she is. She told me that she does what she has to do to get through. You know, that's ok.. it doesn't make her a bad mom or her child behind in some way.

With teenagers, it's much the same. There is no guidebook that shows us a sure-fire way to get your teen to come home five minutes "before" curfew! There's no guidebook that will guarantee that your child will never do drugs! There is not a book titled: How To Raise the Perfect Child. Well, there probably is, but anyway... In reality, they don't come with instructions tattooed on their backs when they're born of how they are individually wired and if something goes wrong... do this! You can't reboot or reprogram them like a computer! It's a day by day challenge of decision making.

I have felt that we have been judged by certain people on how we have done things with our son... One particular person has not even been through this with a child at all. The other person has been through a little with their child, but not even close to the magnitude of what we have been through with ours. I do have a lot of people who tell us that we have done a great job and that Stephan couldn't have had better parents through this! : )

There's also always going to be a battle in your own mind as to whether you are making the right decisions. Trust the one who knows your child best...and guess what? It ain't you! Trust His leading! As my friend and I from NC discussed, each day may be different. You may allow him to be home one day and not the other. Each day can change. It doesn't matter if "man" understands... feel confident that the Holy Spirit does!! My teen is changing everyday and he is challenging us .. everyday!

Holy Spirit rain down... rain down. Let your power fall, let your voice be heard.. Holy Spirit rain down... rain down.

Submission... Just when I think I know what it means... I'm still learning!

I believe I have been learning much more about submission lately. Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God said that our desire would be "for our husbands".. What exactly does that mean anyway?

In talking to myself, I ask the question: "I am a submissive wife.. right?" "Although I think I may be questioning some areas of my life, I think I know what submission is.. but do I fully know and understand?" "Am I surrendering my whole life to God in this area?" "I do know that since my husband is a man of God, he prays, he studies, he seeks after God in all His ways... I know I can trust his leadership, right?" "I know all of this, but do I fully trust his leadership?" "Do I sometimes think I have a better idea?" Yep!....

Ok, back to this desire... In Genesis 3:16 NKJV- God says that my desire shall be "for my husband!" Sounds like every man's dream... but no, this is not what this means at all! If you study the word, "for," it means: That I will now have the tendency to usurp or control my husband. I will have a desire to dominate my husband and in return, his desire will be to become a tyrant over me! It's a terrible web to weave.

I want to tell you, Richard and I have such a great marriage! We partner together in ministry in teaching others how to "have" a healthy marriage, so I have always thought that I had a good understanding of submission. I know that ultimately all decisions made in our family fall upon Richard and I'm good with it! As long as I'm good with it, then I am being obedient to God... right?

You see, I am pretty passive, I'm not temperamental, I am a follower, I'm not forceful and I can easily back down when confrontation occurs. But.... buuuuut.., as with many mothers, when my child is the subject of our confrontation, I have found that I will go to any length to try to protect him, want what "I" feel is the best approach in discipline and I have a deep desire to voice any and all opinions that I may have concerning what I feel is best! What does this accomplish? Richard sleeping on the couch!! In my heart, when I do this, I feel like I'm contributing to "parenting" Stephan, but truthfully, I'm not trusting Richard's decisions or direction he's trying to take involving Stephan! You see, what I'm getting at, is... this submission thing comes real easy to me - until I actually have to practice it!

When women get this whole submission thing wrong and out of order, chaos breaks out in the home! It's a result of sin from thousands of years ago. As I read my footnotes and studied the words "have a desire for my husband," things start making good sense! My desire shall be to control and he will in turn become a tyrant over me! Yes, that pretty much can sum up how it usually turns out!

When a man's leadership is being questioned, he becomes defensive! When I question Richard's motives in parenting- he become defensive! And rightly so! I'm not talking about a disagreement, I'm talking about my words making him feel like a bad father who has not sense at all! It's never my intention, but it feels that way to him. Perhaps I should start a blog called: "Marriage on Drugs!!"
 

In Genesis 2:18, God says that He will make Adam a helper comparable to him. We are to be our husband's helper. Our thoughts and opinions are great and should be appreciated. We do have to choose our words wisely when talking to our husbands as not to try and overstep our bounds or make our husband feel as if he isn't making the right decisions. When we practice this, our husband is not on the defensive and he feels encouraged by us that we trust him and his leadership! This makes him feel as if he can conquer the world... and especially our unruly teen!

Ephesians 5: 22-26 talks about that we as wives are to submit to our own husbands as "unto the Lord." The husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. So, just as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their husbands in everything.
 

We are to pray for our husbands and submit unto them as we would the Lord. We voluntarily choose to submit to our husbands as we would Christ. I used the word voluntarily, because this is a voluntary action on our behalf! We chose to follow Christ, we choose to read God's Word, we choose to live our lives to please God... it's called free will. We also choose to love our husbands and fulfill our wedding vows.. till death do us part! We also have to choose to submit to being the weaker vessel. God already said we were... we have to voluntarily accept it. Does that make us less? Certainly not! I truly believe that the success of a man and how he feels about himself as a person and leader has a lot to do with the commitment of his wife. We have a very important role! I heard a man say this once: "I never believed in myself until I married Sherry. I had always been told that (I couldn't) .. Sherry told me ( I could) and I finally started believing it! I finally had someone that believed in me and I have accomplished more than I ever thought was possible!"

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ does the church... He gives himself for it! He is to sanctify and cleanse us with the washing of water by the Word. (Our husbands are to teach us as wives what he is learning from the scripture. He is to share with us what God is showing him and areas God is leading him in.)

Ladies, if we know and trust that our husbands are hearing from God... we do not need to question what God is doing even if we disagree. Satan will stop at nothing to disrupt the order of our home! We need to be on guard and make sure Satan is not using us to accomplish this!

I say this in all humility... In thinking that my way was better and believing that I was right and how I felt that Richard just hasn't thought this through enough or something... I have found that in the end, I have been terribly wrong after all. When I nag and complain about decisions Richard has made or is making, it almost forces him at times to go against what he is feeling. He "has" gone against his feelings in times past... all because of me... and the result is always chaos! Chaos between he and I and chaos concerning Stephan... It's just not a pretty thing!

The big question that many women still struggle with: "Well, I do believe everything you just said, but WHAT IF I truly feel my husband is making a wrong decision for our teen?"

You pray... You pray for your husband! You pray for God to show "you" how to trust "Him" more... and trust your husbands leadership more. You tell God all your concerns of how your husband is wrong, or you believe he is. That is ok.. God already knows what our hearts are feeling! Then, you let God work! It's an awesome thing... trust me!

Am I being a Safety Net?

Am I a safety net for my child? I think I have been in a lot of ways. I know that I was when they were small. I believe all mothers are. We want to protect them and keep them from harm. We would jump in front of a moving train to protect our child!


One of the hardest things for a parent of teens to experience is letting go and letting your child "make" mistakes! This is how they learn, yes, but no parent wants their child to make huge mistakes! I'd say that most teens get by with a few dumb choices, maybe a wrecked car. Some teens, you ground them.. or take whatever disciplinary actions you deem is necessary and they begin walking the straight and narrow once again! : ) When you have a child as rebellious as mine, the rules change a bit. When the diciplinary actions of extreme measure are no longer effective, things take on a whole new twist!


I was e-mailing a friend of mine the other day who's son has also been through what Stephan is going through and is not quite out of the woods yet. She said that the Lord spoke to her one day as she was on her way to the "eye doctor" of all places! What she said in this e-mail, was what the Lord had been speaking to me about. I hadn't put it into words yet, but as I read this e-mail, I didn't have too, she did! This is what she wrote:


"I was driving to an eye appointment recently (very ironic that it was an eye appointment!) and as I drove by the school where I used to take Joshua for college classes, I commented to the Lord about how he has squandered so many opportunities. Immediately, the Holy Spirit reminded me that many, many years ago He had told me that He was removing Joshua's 'safety nets' so his faith would become his own. I remembered that vividly, but the next statement came as a shock. It wasn't a rebuke ... just information ... He said, "And you are his biggest safety net of all!" I had never seen myself as a 'safety net' because I'm his mother. I'm not sure what that all means, but I asked the Holy Spirit to show me how to (not) be a safety net. After I got back home ... my vision was definitely improved in more than one way ... : ) I pulled out an old prayer journal and found exactly what God had shown me in 2001. I was driving down the road and the vision was as clear as day. It was as if I 'saw' a match being struck and put to the foundation of his 'house.' I begged God for a little more time to instill truth in Him and God gave me almost another year. Here's what I wrote in response to the 'vision' ... I didn't even remember that God had given it to me. It was if He were saying it.

 This has to be
 before he can serve
 and go where I've called him to go.
 The foundation will stand
 anchored and sure,
 but the rest must be burned away
 revealing the depth of his need for Me.
 No other way to fill
 not friends, not things, nor drugs, nor drink ... only My perfect self.
 The real Joshu is there anchored and sure-
 no longer a run-away slave.
 Parted from you for a little while, but remember He's forever mine.
 God, you showed me these words several years ago

in a vision that darkened my soul.

 I begged you for days, which You graciously gave.
 But now is his time ... Don't delay!
 Use him, my Abba, for Your way it true.

I can trust You, yes, to the end.

 Draw him back with cords of love
 held by the Master's hand.

When my friend, mentioned "that God was removing Joshua's safety nets, so his faith could become his own," in the above e-mail. It hit me like a ton of bricks... it was conformation to what I had been feeling! Stephan is experiencing his "Street World" for many more reasons that I may realise. Her poem mentioned that "this has to be before he can serve and go to where I've called him too."  God had been speaking to me about this letting go process.. Stephan is anchored in the truths of God. Stephan knows Him...

What my friend said, perfectly described how I feel about what God is doing in Stephan's life. God is allowing Stephan to go through these things so his faith "can" become his own!

Stephan  was here for two days and he went out with a friend (an ok kid who lives with his grandparents.) We had started to allow him some freedoms and especially since this kid was our pastor's grandson! Anyway, he didn't come home at curfew, so... I went to the garage at 11:10 and got a tent and a sleeping bag and left it on the porch for him if he returned... then we went to bed! We told him if he misses curfew, he can't come in. He called the next day and said he feel asleep which is why he didn't come home or call.... ok, um, yeah...

We told him that he has so much trust to earn back- that we don't want him spending the night with anyone right now. The no drug, no alcohol rules to be able to have a place to stay applies everywhere! I told him that we would be forced by him to take him back to where he was last staying! I feel that he believes we will.  We have before! 

 I feel that for his faith to become his own, we have to be firm in our decisions as to our expectations of him living in our home. When he can't live here by his own choice, he will have no choice! Perhaps what he is learning out here in this street world of his will give him these reason's for choosing to serve God. 

From his own mouth: He 'has' learned that he doesn't want to live that way, but... it took us *letting* him live it.. to learn it!  I feel like if we provide somewhere for him to fall back on, this safety net, so to speak, it makes our rules or boundaries seem like a joke, which doesn't create a secure environment for him here.  It may only delay what the Lord may be doing. I just want to do our part.. and I will fervently pray protection over him daily in the meantime!

There hasn't been any drugs as we know of lately. He will be here as long as he wants to abide by the rules.  We've gone to look for him a car with him. He wants a full time job. We've talked to him about college again..  We will see what takes place in the days to come...  The choices are definately his...

 

The Prodigal- Wanting to Return Home

About a week ago, Richard and I were asleep. It was around midnight when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it only to find my Stephan on the other end repeating over and over, "You've got to come get me, it's crazy here! You GOTTA come get me!!!" He was sober. Part of me wanted to jump in the car immediately, because I knew the craziness he was talking about was the Bloods.. A gang that he was living with. You can run your fingernails down a chalkboard and the sound of hearing "the bloods" has the same effect on me. Although I wanted to run to the rescue, the other part of me hesitated. I asked him where he was and he told me. I felt that he may be in danger, which made me very nervous. We gave. It was a true safety concern at this point. We got in the car and drove by the house where he was and there was no sign of him! We didn't want to stop, because there were scary people outside and I can't say that we felt very comfortable even slowing down much to look for him! You see, Richard had a gun and I was told to lay in the backseat of the truck and not to show my head for any reason! We drove around the block and parked... waiting.. watching. We drove by once more and still, no sign of him. My heart was pounding. We drove through street after street trying to find him with no luck. We figured that he was in route to our house. Still.. no signs, so we decided to drive home! No sign of him! While we were there we went back in the house and looked at the caller ID and got the number that Stephan called us from. We were still very hesitant to call it, not knowing who would be on the other end of the line. Did they know Stephan was leaving? Did they care? Would he be in trouble with them if we called? Is he gagged and tied up in the trunk of a car? Has his body been thrown off a bridge? We decided to continue looking, so we drove back into town, but we went the back way, thinking he may have wanted to seem inconspicuous walking the other way, again... no luck!

We drove back by this same house very slowly. I'm still hunkered down. Richard stuffed the gun in his pants and told me he was going to go ask these people if they'd seen Stephan. I can't tell you that I've ever felt I might pee my pants, but I did that night. I actually feared for all of our lives! We drove back by and stopped in front of the driveway for an easier get away. Richard got out... Oh, how nerve racking! What was a two minute conversation seemed like a half an hour. I had no idea what I was going to do if they attacked my husband... no idea. Richard made it back to the truck and my anxieties began to fade the farther we drove away from that house!

The people said that Stephan left on foot and pointed in the direction he went. We searched again with no luck in finding him! We decided to finally call this number. It was a woman. She said that Stephan was at the house where we had just been no less than 20 minutes ago. She must live there too. When we drove back to the same house and he was out front. He had been beaten up by someone inside and he was drunk, although just a few hours ago when he called us in the middle of the night he was sober! I was so relieved that we found him and that he was ok, but the sound of his drunken voice was now beginning to disgust me- now that I knew he was alive! Now that we were ALL alive!!! Oh, the emotions we go through! We let him in our vehicle. As we drove, not knowing at this point we were even taking him home, he began to tell us about the guy beating him up and it scared us. We decided to give him a safe place to stay for the night. I have to say there was no use in talking with him that night. Talking to a drunk is like talking to a deaf person that can't read lips! We talked with him the next morning about him being sober when he called us and then drunk when we finally found him. He said after the guy beat him up, he got drunk! We asked him why of course, but its the same ole, same ole, lame excuses and lingo.... oh good grief. Help me Lord.

Richard and I had already told him weeks ago that he could not live in our home if he continued abusing drugs or alcohol. When your child has just been beaten up by The Bloods and you risked your life saving him, decisions are not easy to make friends, but Richard decided to take him back... yes, you heard me!  That was an extremely difficult decision to make as parents. We love him!! We want him well! We also can not provide a soft landing place for him to land every time he messes up! Richard decided to take him back to prove that we were not kidding about the rules of living in our home. Thinking of him with these people one more day was almost too much for me to bear. Taking him back was too much for me to bear. We made the decision together and prayed it would be an effective one.

Long story short, Stephan was with these people for yet another day. At midnight the very next night we get another call!! It is Stephan asking us if he can come home again! He "was" sober and he said that he had gotten beaten up again. The next visit to The Bloods wasn't quite as adventurous as the last, but this time when we picked him up, he was... still sober...! His ear was bleeding, he had been struck in the head and the side... He said that he "never wanted to go back there and that they were all crazy! He said he does not want to live with them or.. be like them! He said he wanted to follow our rules and live at home." I guess the "street world" wasn't what he chalked it up to be after all.

This is the first time we have ever heard him actually say these words about wanting to be home. Was this a turning point? Has he had enough of his "street world" as he put it in one of my previous posts? Still, as a mother, I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have to keep my guards up. My guards protect me from another let down. Yes, it's come to this...  If I abstain from feeling anything "hopeful" I will be ok...  I truly hate feeling this way, but he has so much trust to earn back. I feel that it will take quite a while.

The next day, I washed his sheets and cleaned his room for him as a nice surprise. Plus, I was also being a little deceitful. I wanted him to sleep on fresh, clean sheets in a nice clean room, so he would be glad to be in the comforts of home, hoping that it would make him more grateful to be "able" to be there.

Stephan's attitude toward me has changed I've noticed. I'm not sure why. It's like he loves me more, although I have been more firm with him. He hugs me more and longer as if he really wants a hug. He seems to respect me more. Perhaps he's missed me..  Perhaps he's realized how much I love him.

He seems to have learned something.  For now, I don't know what all that could be, but I do know that God is teaching me how to love him through this.

I suppose we'll see. I don't trust him. I hate to say it...

God grant me peace and give me strength for each new day....

It was a "God" Day!

We live in Alabama. Our house was within 10 miles of this torrential streak of tornadoes that ripped across our state with an unrelenting fury! Our power was out for five days... We only suffered inconvenience! A short distance from here, towns, houses and cars are shredded and scattered for miles! Richard and I drove through several devastated areas. It was so upsetting, the sights I saw literally caused me to be sick when we arrived back into town...

After the five days passed and our power was back on, I turned my heart toward helping those in need. I had made plans with my friend, Terri to go to the CCC, load a truck full of food and drive it to a town nearby for the people there. I prayed as I was getting myself ready that morning of how much I wish Stephan could go with me and what an awesome opportunity this could be for him to be able to go and for him to see what had just happened in the lives of people around him. I thought that it might spark something from inside of him.. something good. Maybe a chance to see how privileged he is and how fortunate he is to have a family who loves and cares for him and the fact he has a home! As you know, he abandoned his home about a month ago, unwilling to live according to our rules or to live within the boundaries set before him. He left...selfishly seeking what "he" thought to be freedom.

As I was preparing to leave the house, I set the house alarm, opened the door and shut it back, then I heard the phone ringing inside. I thought it might be Terri, so I ran back in and grabbed the phone and turned the alarm back off! To my surprise, it was Stephan!!! He wanted to know if I'd come pick him up. I told him where I was headed and asked him if he wanted to go.. he said, "Yes!"  I thanked God all the way to my car and all the way to where he was! It was like, Boom, answered prayer!! Oh, how I began praying for what lied ahead of us that day and how I prayed for Stephan's heart to be opened, moved, touched, something! Maybe helping others would in turn, give him a sense of purpose and direction for his own life.

I picked him up at a gas station. We went to meet Terri, drove to the CCC, loaded up and headed West! With a GPS and written directions, we got lost! It was a "God-thing" that we got lost. As we drove through an area of total devastation, the three of us were in awe of what were seeing. I began to tear up as I saw people pilfering through the rubbish that they once called home. It was heart breaking. We were trying to find the Fire Department, but wound up at a site where some one's house "used to be." Terri had went to a camper on site to see if we were at the right place. As Stephan and I waited, we saw a woman. We began talking to her and discovered that the house that was now- no more than a concrete slab- belonged to her son. She explained that it took him five years to build his house. You could hear the pain in her voice as she spoke. I told her that I was so sorry and that my heart was breaking for her. I began to ask her if she needed anything and she mentioned a few things. I told her that we had new pillows... When she mentioned that she could definitely use some, Stephan, Terri and I walked to the truck and got the things she needed. We were also able to get things for her neighbor who had a baby. As we were saying our good byes and began to leave, Stephan threw up his hand as to wave at the woman and said, "God bless ya'll!" I knew God was working for those words to pass his lips...

We finally made it to the Fire Dept. where Stephan helped us unload everything! Terri had offered to make homemade laundry detergent and bring five gallons back Saturday.. although she was coordinating a wedding that day as well! She was also inquiring about other area and what types of help they needed. When we got back into town, Terri and I were talking to the CCC director about the things we saw, people we spoke too, that our delivery was successful, etc. Stephan was incredibly impressed with my friend Terri. When we left, he said, "Mom, is she always like that?" I looked at him and said, "like what?" He said, "just so willing to help no matter what she has going on in her own life and like she wants to jump in and save the world!" I said, "Well, yes, actually she is always like that!" He was like, "wow.."  He said, "Well, I guess 'I' did a good deed today."  I said, "Yes, you certainly did..."  I could tell that God was working inside of him and that Stephan was glad that he went. We talked a little more about what we saw that day and how close we came to it being us! I told him that no matter what we could do, it just didn't seem like enough, because there were so many people hurting and so many people with needs. I told him I was glad we were able to touch one family... and we were able to help in a small way with the food for the community. He agreed...

I had gotten three gallon sized zip-loc bags from church the previous Wednesday. Each bag had a label on the outside listing things to buy. It was toiletry items for the tornado victims. When we arrived back into town, we went to two stores to buy the things we needed. Stephan earnestly helped pick out the items... and never complained once!

As we drove home he began telling me about living in the "corporate" world. Now, I was totally unsure of what this term meant! He explained that people living in the corporate world were people trying to "live the American dream, people that wanted to go to college and pushed themselves to be more." He said that he wanted to learn the "street world." Well, the words, "street" and "world" combined into a compound word scare this mama to death! He said that he was teaching the people he was "hangin" with how to live in the corporate world. He explained that they do not know how to communicate or how to interview for jobs or anything... they just "thug it" day by day. Meaning: They do whatever it takes to make what money they need for that day and that day alone... and they do it everyday! He said, "I don't wanna live that way!"  I tried to watch what I said- as we had made so much progress this day already. I said, "Then how "do" you want to live?"  He said, he wanted to live in the corporate world, but he wanted to learn about both worlds, so he could understand lots of people, how people think and how to relate to different people. He said he wanted to be a well-rounded person!
He said... "I need to know how to be able to talk to all kinds of people in case I'm a preacher one day!"

I was internally, utterly, not hardly able to contain my happiness... speechless! I was trying not to seem too overwhelmingly ecstatic. With Stephan, sometimes agreeing with him when he verbalizes an idea of such wondrous magnitude, then pushing his own idea upon him causes instant rebellion on his part and he wants to turn the conversation completely in the opposite direction. I simply smiled and said,  "Well that could certainly happen!"  That was the right thing to say...  It was enough to where the idea still hung inside his mind and nothing snatched it away! --although I secretly didn't want him "thugin" it with the thugs to teach them a thing or two... Help me Jesus!

I will have to say... we had a very "God" day and I pray for many other "God" days just like this : )  Just being able to step outside of himself and help someone else did so much for him. It caused him to "think" about a lot of things. Seeing the light of Christ through my friend Terri caused him to look inside himself for the same qualities. Qualities that one can only possess by allowing Christ to live within you and through you...

Our day ended by me taking Stephan back to his "street world." Oh, you don't know how hard that was. I never imagined I could ever do such a thing and think it was best for my child... for the time being anyway. I see this "street world" as evil, but also, as I place my trust in God, I see it as a refiners fire... God is going to use that boy one day! The Father is breaking him down, gently churning his heart, taking out all the impurities and is in the process of molding Stephan into who He has created him to be... for His Glory!

My favorite scripture verse is coming to mind and I'll end by posting it... It seems to be so fitting for my hearts cry for my son. It lets me know that God has Stephan's best interest in mind. It gives me hope. It also seems so fitting in a way that displays God's love for His children.. His love for Stephan. God does have a plan for his future and God... knows the path that will take him there...

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Praying for Repentance

Stephan is still living on his own. He still hasn't got a car. There is a hold up on his title, so we are not able to complete things with the insurance company as far as getting the check for his car. He calls regularly wanting to do some odd jobs for money. We have let him, but today, my husband drew another line. We can't continually allow him to work for us. He must get a job. He's put in three applications, but no luck. Richard told him that he wouldn't allow him to work today. We feel as if it is allowing him to postpone some real hard core choices that he must make for himself! It hurts not to help, but we can not enable him either.

We've had our security alarm activated on our house... We just can't trust him. Not right now. I tell you, nothing hurts a mother's heart more than a wayward child. I love him so much, but can't assist him in any way that will help him in this situation he has chosen for himself!

Richard and I discussed the Prodigal Son once again yesterday. The son was repentant when he returned. Every time Stephan comes to our home, something breaks! He broke the windshield in my Richard's truck with a basketball when he came for a visit. He broke the water hose nozzle. He lost the spring out of the weed eater Saturday. They searched and searched and could not find it. Richard recognizes the enemy when he sees him.

Richard was praying for Stephan out in the yard while he was looking for the spring the next day. As soon as he said the words, "the prodigal son was repentant, but Stephan is not," he found the spring! It was like it was God's way of showing him that our prodigal might be on our property, but he has not returned and he is not repentant!

Oh, how I pray for a repentant son... God speak to him. Allow him to know you are there. Allow him to see your hand. May it be unmistakable! Lord, keep him safe.... Protect him from himself.

The Prodigal Son/ Tough Love

I am asking myself what Stephan is learning from being away from home this time? The last time he learned that he couldn't afford to live on his own. Right now, he has no job... yes, you heard me right! He has no car.. he just wrecked it... yes, you heard me right again! Is he learning he can't afford to live on his own again? No, he already knows it, it's just a reminder...

Richard and I sat in the living room last night. It was storming, so Richard turned all the lights off. We have these glass windows up on the wall in the living room, so we enjoyed quite a light show as we had our coffee! The topic of our discussion was the Prodigal Son...

Luke 15: 11-32:
"11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. 13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. 25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' 28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ 31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Richard and I talked about this son. The prodigal thought he knew what he wanted. His father gave him what would be due him and let him go. He ran through his money through riotous living, he tried to find work, no one would give him anything, he was starving! It took him making all kinds of mistakes to come to repentance. "He came to his senses" the Bible says. I am feeling like if we try and protect Stephan it is just prolonging this "coming to his senses" state of mind! God knows, I don't want him hurt... Oh, my goodness... I pray the Lord's protection on him. I pray that God would protect Stephan from his own sinful self and the things he is doing!

Setting rules and boundaries does protect our children. Children who want to be protected follow the rules and stay within the boundaries governed by their parents. Now, do they stray as tots or teens? Some, not too far, but others, you bet! But.. do they cry their eyes and apologize over and over.. as they veer back to their senses. In most cases, yes. In cases like our son's... no! I'm not a child psychologist, so I can't really ramble on and on about the "why's" in any scenario... I only have my child and the experiences with him to go on. I do know that every child is different... What we do with our son may not necessarily be what yours needs and vice versa!

We discussed letting him have the rest of his money, which isn't much.... but he has asked for it and knows we have it. Part of me is like no!! He will squander it... He has insurance to pay.. he should go to college... etc. Right now, he's not interested in insurance- he has no car! He's not worried about college either! I definitely don't want him breaking in and trying to find it.. although it's in the bank!! but... "IF" we gave it to him and he squandered it like the prodigal son.. "IF" he has no more friends to stay with and no money to buy drugs -or- food for that matter, will this make him "come to his senses?" Would knowing he has no home, no money left in the world, no means to travel or get to a job cause him to repent? I don't know....

I long for the day that I can say, " My son who was lost, is now alive again... he was lost but now he is found...."

Love is tough sometimes... I guess that's why they call it tough love!

"Oh Lord, give us the wisdom that we need to make the right decisions for Stephan. You love us... and when we sin, you chasten us.. because you love us. You are our Great Shepherd who lovingly directs us when we stray. Use us as your vessels to direct our son back into your arms once again." In Jesus Name... amen

Our First Stab and Rehab, Grief and Decisions...

I haven't posted in a while. I need to post everyday, because something happens everyday and I learn something.. everyday! So much has happened. I think with everything that "has" gone on since February, it's easy to imagine myself fainted on the floor from mental exhaustion! I haven't fainted yet! I truly believe the Lord has sustained me. There can be no other explanation...

As I sit here right now, Stephan is gone... My husband asked him to leave- again. We don't really look at is as "we kicked him out." We look at it as- he chose not to follow our rules, which are: 1) Curfew is 11:00. 2) You must come home sober. 3) Because of the current situation, you may not "spend the night" with any friends. 4) If you miss curfew, you cannot come into our house. 5) If you come home high, you may not come into our house. 6) You may not do drugs on our property.


Now, these are pretty simple rules... We made rule #3 just incase he thought he'd be smart and think he could call us to see if he could spend the night with a friend when he knew he might be late or high..


We've made rules similar to these before... and he chose not to live by the rules once before and Richard helped him pack! He was gone for about four days. He learned nothing other than he couldn't afford to live on his own!

Well, we have come to this place once again.... Since February, he has failed drug tests at his probation visit, another wreck--he wrecked his jeep, he quit a job then got another one, he continues any and all drugs, he's been assessed by a Drug Rehab Facility who said he needed impatient, he's ran away from home, wrecked ANOTHER car... he's threatened to commit suicide over a girl, he's gotten into a fight inside Taco Bell, ran into this kids house one night in front of his parents and was threatening to beat him up. He came to his brother's wedding rehearsal high... both of our families were in town. Richard spent two nights- almost all night outside on foot, up and down the street trying to reason with him while he's hitting street signs and mailboxes with a golf club keeping us all awake, including Richard's sister, mother and brother. I was inside hearing Stephan screaming and dings and dongs on anything metal in our neighborhood! We had a wedding we were getting ready for. We had to call 911 three times that night but he was "doing nothing wrong!" We called 911 again on the day of our son's wedding about an hour before the bridal march, because he was committing suicide again. We had a cop on the way and a friend and my sister, Cindy. Cindy was able to coax him to the wedding- barely- they sat in the back. Stephan was high...

Planning a wedding and trying to deal with a son in Stephan's situation has had me completely... well, I don't know the word.. A word that describes complete joy and complete sadness and utter despair all at the same time.. Well, I guess there isn't a word for that.


The girl that I described earlier- the one he threatened to take his own life over. I was desperate to love her in the beginning. It was what I felt I should do. I wanted to also make Stephan feel as if I liked her. I had my doubts that she was good for him. But was he good for her? I made her feel at home. She ate meals with us. We later found out that she was also doing drugs with Stephan... and they had sex ..and lots of it. Long story short, she has a bad habit of getting with other guys when she and Stephan were in an argument. She don't go home, throw herself across her bed and cry for days... She goes and sleeps with other guys! This will explain Stephan's second wreck, the fight at Taco Bell and running into the guys house that I wrote about earlier. I wonder why he cares about her so much... she has hurt him deeply and blames Stephan for HER behavior! She was there the night of his wreck and acted as if she was so concerned for Stephan that he had a wreck and the fact he was suicidal that night. I knew why he wrecked and knew why he was suicidal as I spoke to her. My flesh wanted to say to much to her... but the spirit within me held my tongue! She was on her way to this guys house, which is why Stephan wrecked!!!! He passed her.. and ran into a truck that was pulling into a driveway... No, that was not smart. Should he have done that? NO... Right after the wreck and all of her concern, she went to this guys house anyway! I just can't see why Stephan doesn't tell her to take a hike... a long one!

About Rehab: Yes, they told us he needed impatient. Impatient involves two weeks of intense counseling, classes, etc. You live there.... He did NOT want to go! I did not care that he didn't want to go. As parents, you want what's best for your child. You want what will help him or her. When you have a child on drugs you are almost in a grievous state of mind. It "is" grievous! You are desperate! Well, he told us he would commit suicide if we made him go. My brain was telling me that I must send him, but my heart was afraid for what he might do... Then I began to reason with myself. Was he manipulating us? If he is, then he must go! Will he commit suicide somehow? Then, we've got to find another way! The turmoil that we go through just to make the right decisions is what makes this process so "grievous!" At times I feel like he is manipulating us and I feel as if my hands are tied. Then I ask myself, "How in the world did we get here? How can we be in a place where there are no boundaries? How did we get to a place with our son where he breaks every rule and has no respect for us?" I have come to a few healthy conclusions on that. We got here, not because we didn't set boundaries or set rules in place, we got here because that's where he led us. His choices and decisions got us here. His love for drugs got us here.

I went to the Drug Rehab Facility, I signed the papers... He was to begin the very next day! Because he was in Celebrate Recovery, they decided to do outpatient so he didn't have to miss. In outpatient, you have to be there Mon- Thurs from 5-9 each night. Family night is Tuesday night. You also must be in two other meetings per week such as AA or NA... They were going to let Celebrate be one of them, so we had to find a local NA meeting...

The day we were to start, he took off on foot through the woods right when we were supposed to leave. I called Richard and when he got home we got in the car and went looking for him. If you can believe this, we drove about 8 miles, turned into a subdivision and THERE he was! It was like a miracle. He was stunned... well, so were we! God is good... I had to call and cancel our first meeting, because it was apparent we were not going to make it.

During this week, previous to the actual start day, Richard and I had talked to a few friends. Friends who have been in rehab and are now serving God, friends who've had a spouse in rehab who are now serving God and friends who have children in rehab. We keep getting the same advice. The advice is: Rehab must be a Christian facility. They also tell us that Stephan must be willing to go. If he is "not" willing, we are wasting our time, money, etc... Part of me is like, well, what do we do in the mean time if we don't send him? I also feel like forcing him to go! I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that if we send him unwillingly, when he gets out, he will come running to us, embrace us, and tell us he is do glad we sent him!!!

OK, back to the moment we found him... We are on the street where we just found him. He is telling Richard again that he will commit suicide. In desperation to help him, Richard tells him that we must get a plan... something.. He told him he needs help. Stephan will admit he needs help, but the next day, he's off for the next high! He is in constant battle within himself! Some moments he wins, most moments he looses! Richard told him that in order to help him that we MUST stay firm with rules and boundaries and in order to live in our home, he has to attempt to stay within his limits and live by the rules. One rule is Celebrate Recovery every week! Stephan agreed... No friends was another rule, Stephan agreed. No drugs... He actually agreed! Now, I'm not naïve... I truly knew this would be an issue at some point. But.. we were on a path... leading to where, I did not know. All I knew was that we were all three on the same road, headed in the same direction... that felt good for a change. Things went well for about a week. He did fail his next drug test at the probation office, but we were prepared for that. He spoke to his probation officer about our plan and she was positive about the whole thing. Stephan and Richard were both working on his Celebrate Recovery material each week before the meetings. Richard wanted to make sure he was working through this and he was. Richard was not reading what Stephan wrote in his book. This is private.. but Richard noticed at a glance it started out as a few words... later on paragraphs!

We were on a good path... We had decided and still do believe that Rehab will not work for Stephan until he is at rock bottom and asking to go! People in Celebrate will tell you that you must be willing to go! You have to be "willing" to go to Celebrate as well!! Unless someone wants help, they may go along with the program, but will not receive help. I have seen or heard of so many people go through rehab only to get out and relapse... but it is because they weren't totally willing to go on their own. That's just where we are now...

He started lying about Celebrate Recovery not having the meetings on Sundays. He said they canceled it. However, there were no other classes at church either one particular Sunday, so we believed him. Another Sunday passed and he had another excuse as to why the meeting was canceled. Richard went immediately to talk to the director who told us that classes are NEVER canceled for any reason! The only reason for classes being canceled is if Christmas Day falls on a Sunday for there to be no classes at night.. or Christ comes back! Thus, started our walk in the other direction once again.... Richard lovingly helped him pack.. which is why my post began with the fact that Stephan isn't living here once again.... He told us he did not want to follow our rules... so here we are... again.

Parenting Teens... CR..and transitions!

Stephan knows how the enemy works, he recognizes the enemy in his life... he just doesn't know how to fight! If he doesn't surrender his life completely he will not have the power!

Stephan has started a class at church. It's part of our Celebrate Recovery Program. There are several groups. His class is all adult men I think. Confidentiality is critical, so I'm not very sure, but think it's all men. I believe that God is going to use this in more ways than one! I've talked to several women who have been through this for various reasons and they say that this helped them to peel back layer after layer and also really helped them to discover who they were. Most importantly helped them to discover who they were in Christ! They fully understood God's forgiveness and freedom from guilt and shame!

I truly hope Stephan will begin to mature in this cocoon he has built around him and break forth as a beautiful butterfly- I pray he spreads his wings and soars as he begins to walk with the God who loves him more than anyone ever could and created him for more than he could have ever imagined! Please pray for him... and for us! Through this, our roles as parents have changed so much! I could write a book on that... When their small, you lead, teach and train, but when they are young adults you have to break away from that. That's the part that's been especially hard for me. Stephan's been led, taught and trained! When he makes mistakes I have found that I have blamed myself in the past... I didn't lead, teach or train right in some way!! I have finally come to the place to where I realize he's making mistakes because he wants too. It's not really a mistake, it's a choice! We are having to allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions. We can't fix things for him... if we do, he will not learn anything!

We've transitioned from parent to partner I guess you could say. God has taught me so much about unconditional love... As a mom, you know it's not hard to love your children unconditionally! In the process of all the parenting roll changes around here, I have been reminded again, that God does not continually remind us of our bad choices. He chastens us.. but as our shepherd, he guides us and loves us unconditionally even when we stray. It's easy to love a child making all the right choices, and it's easy to love a child making bad ones! What's hard, is that when they make bad choices, we want to revert back to the teaching and training mode. Most of the time this involves reminding the child of past wrongs with the "hopes" of changing the outcome of future choices! We could consider that good! ... Nope, God keeps no records of our wrongs... He works with us where we are and guides us as we find our way back to Him. Reminding a young adult of their mistakes over and over only discourages them of any desire to do better and extinguishes any spark of hope. I have learned that it doesn't help or encourage... or teach them anything they don't.. already.. know.

Celebrate Recovery, 12 Steps

Stephan will be off probation in a month. Its been a year! We've discussed his failed drug tests with the probation officer. They talk rehab, but don't press it. Stephan personally knows several kids who have been and out of rehab like walking through a revolving door! That's no comfort to me as he laughs about it. His "friends" don't take it seriously either.

Since we found out about the Black Magic he had been smoking we have decided that after probation, he needs to find himself in another atmosphere of encouragement, accountability and partnership. I had mentioned Celebrate Recovery before, and after Richard and I talked it over again we think this is where he needs to be. The question is: Is this where Stephan thinks he needs to be? After talking it over with the director and a few others who have been through the program, the answer for us is this is where he needs to be and at his age... we decide where he needs to be. He didn't want to go... but he went the first night. Richard will be going through the book with him at home as well for added help. We were told that if we can get him to come, that a few visits may allow Stephan to see that this "is" where he needs to be. He will receive love, not judgement. He will receive encouragement, not condemnation. He will find true love through Christ and forgiveness.. and a sense of worth and purpose in this world. I am praying that Stephan will get so much from this. We have to try everything we can before he's out of our home... He needs Christ... He will not get Christ at Rehab, or counseling. We tried counseling... Now, counseling may work great for some, but in our case.. it didn't. Stephan didn't like the guy and wouldn't go back to see someone else. Celebrate Recovery is a Christ Centered group similar to AA, but Christian...

What is Celebrate Recovery?

"Celebrate Recovery was founded in 1991 by Pastor John Baker of Saddleback Church with the goal of overcoming habits like sex disorders and drug addictions with a twelve-step program based on Christian principles. Other churches and some prisons implemented the program, and as of March 2004 more than 150,000 people are said to have participated. At the Faith-Based and Community Initiative Conference in 2004, U.S. President George W. Bush praised Celebrate Recovery as being able to "change hearts" where government cannot.
Although Celebrate Recovery meetings are similar to those of other twelve-step programs, one difference is in their focus on Christianity. The program stresses that there is no other Higher Power except for Jesus, as opposed to groups like Alcoholics Anonymous which encourage members to choose their own concept of a Higher Power. Another difference is that Celebrate Recovery does not require one to conform to a singleness of purpose declaration, a member does not have to qualify oneself as an alcoholic, addict, or gambler—there are no requirements for membership. You may attend with a desire to work the steps for healing with any number of "hurts, hang-ups or habits" (compulsive behaviors)."


Lord, please use this to speak to Stephan. Help him to see that you are love and that he is loved. Help him to seek after you with his whole heart. Help him to find you... May he be embrased by You through those who seek to help him. Help him to begin to want to help himself. It's only until then that he will recieve help at all... In Jesus Name, Amen...

Black Magic

Since my last post we have come to a heart-wrenching discovery. For a few weeks I have smelled this smoky, weird smell on Stephan at times. He smokes cigarettes, in which I have said before, "that this seems to be the least of our worries right now!" Of course, I want him to stop and as any mother would do, I have told him all the risks, all the side effects and health hazards...
But... he still commits to smoke.

When I asked him about the funny smell, he said that he had changed brands of cigarettes. I guess you can call it women's intuition... or "mothers" intuition... None the less, this "intuition" of sorts was leading me to believe that he was lying! I told Richard and it just so happened that Stephan was outside smoking, so Richard went out to see if he could see anything or.. smell anything. He was caught red-handed.

The next hour or so consisted of Richard searching his room and "lecturing" him! At least that's what Stephan calls it anyway... Lecturing in our book consists of speaking of his life and the consequences of his actions on himself and his health. Richard reminds him of his relationship with Christ and how the enemy works and is seeking to destroy him, ETC...! Anyway, as all the "lecturing" was taking place, I was in my usual spot, which is sitting at the top of the stairs listening in. I'm a nosey mom.. When it was over, I came down to the PC and looked up this "Black Magic Enemy" that has taken hold of my child.

This is an article that I found: "Seemingly perfectly legal and clearly marked as “Herbal Incense" 18+ and not for human consumption, people are getting high off smoking Black Magic Smoke.

Marketed all over the internet as a natural blend of ingredients such as Damiana, Blue Lotus, Passion Flower, Baybean, Lemon Grass, Dwarf Skull Cap, Indian Pennyworth, Marshmallow and Pink Lotus; Black Magic Smoke is widely suspected as being treated with a synthetic THC. Like marijuana, Black Magic Smoke is reportedly being smoked by all ages and backgrounds. Easily obtained in local ‘head shops’, it is especially popular with the young high school age group. Also, because it does not show up on traditional drug screening tests, Black Magic Smoke has gained popularity with people on parole, in the military and even professionals wanting to get high without the risk of getting caught.

Although Black Magic Smoke is considered legal in most states several have started combating this legal high with legislation banning the substance."

Another Article: "Sold under names like Supernova, Spice, Genie, Zohai, and Spirit, the incense is even sold by the gram, just like marijuana. Blends of K2 include Blonde, Citron, Summit, and Standard, just to name a few kinds.

Is There Any Harm in Smoking K2?
The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) describes the effects of marijuana on the brain in the NIDA website article, "NIDA Info Facts: Marijuana" (no author, 7/09). "... marijuana intoxication can cause distorted perceptions, impaired coordination, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, and problems with learning and memory."

Marijuana increases the heart rate and irritates the lungs in much the same way as tobacco use causes respiratory problems for smokers. Marijuana may also affect mental health, contributing to depression, anxiety, and even schizophrenia.

K2 is stronger and more dangerous than marijuana. The drug moves quickly from the lungs into the bloodstream where it is carried to other parts of the body, including the vital organs."
I was mortified! I e-mailed Stephan several sites that I had found, warning him of the risks!

I just don't understand.... I just don't understand..... I don't understand why he continues this path? I know it's sin and a sin that he struggles with... I wish he would turn from it. I wish he would with all my heart

My heart was broken all over again and the hopelessness and helplessness returned.

I sat at the top of the stairs just looking at the floor below thinking that we can talk, lecture, whatever you want to call it, but the cold, hard truth is: It's something he has to change and as much as I want to take this burden from him.. I can't! Only God can if Stephan surrendered his life to Him.

My heart was flooded with emotion and questions: When will he surrender? Is this a teen- phase he is going through? Will he make awesome decisions in a few years when he "grows up?" Does he need rehab? Will this lead him down a darker path? Will he eventually learn from what is going on now, or will it "take" a darker path to force him to look up to God, who is his only help? When will this end? Will he wind up in Jail? I know that God has a plan for his life. When will this plan start unfolding? Is it unfolding now and I just can't see it? Gracious... I just want my son well.

I am laying him at the altar. God, he's yours... My trust is in You. I am powerless, You are powerful! I am nothing, You are everything. You know the plans you have for my son, plans to prosper him, not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11. God I claim your promises! Help me to be the mother he needs me to be! Forgive me in my own failures as a child of Yours. Help me, comfort me, guide me... I need you desperately. Stephan needs you desperately. God, lead Richard as Stephan's father. Give him wisdom in how to handle situations as they occur. Direct his heart.. Help us both to parent him as you parent us... Help us to love him as you love us... I love you God from the depth of my soul...

Amen

You're Not a Bad Parent

I posted a video yesterday (Henry's Story.) I can't get something his mother said off my mind. She said that a lot of people attribute teen drug use to bad parenting, which she said, is absolutely not true. I think she also said that people say that if teens use drugs, the "teen" is just a bad kid. I am not quoting here... but of course, like she said, neither is true.

The reason I can't get it off my mind is because it's funny the things you learn as you walk with the Lord. The things you learn about yourself and about others. It's also funny the things you learn from experience. I honestly used to believe that if you taught your children all the things they need to know growing up; that what was poured and planted into them would eventually cause gazillions of "sprouts of goodness" to grow from their heads and that nothing would ever go wrong!   I have to admit, I struggled for a long time when we discovered Stephan was using. I thought "I" had done something wrong and I constantly asked myself the question, "Where did I go wrong?"

When your child reaches adolescence, we have to remember that all that goodness is still in there, but the child doesn't always choose to "prune" all of those "sprouts" growing out of their wee little heads!!!! Sometimes, it seems that they whack em' off at the root and burn the stump! Why do they want to go against what has been ingrained in them? Well, just as Adam and Eve fell into sin, so have we.. and so do our kids. We all have a sin nature. This nature rears it's ugly head in different ways for everyone.

Seeing Stephan struggle in this area has truly given me compassion for anyone going through any type of struggle. It's so easy to sit back and judge, but the truth is, what may seem easy to me may be tremendously hard for someone else. We all have our vices and crosses we bear. I'm sure things I personally struggle with may be a walk in the park for some others!!

I am a singer... I don't talk about that a lot, but it's one of my callings and my ministries. I sing on occasion for an organization called Celebrate Recovery or CR. We go to a fairly large Baptist church and CR is held at our church on Thursday nights. You can find CR's all over the US. When I'm asked to sing, I attend the worship secession of course and I sing a special during part of that service. Afterward, everyone breaks up into small groups. I'm not part of that, so I can't tell you what all that entails.

All I do know is that I love being around people who are open and honest about their struggles. The worship service is "freeing." You feel free to be exactly who you are, warts and all. We come to the cross - warts and all. Jesus forgives us- warts and all. The difference between certain Christians and Christians in CR is that the ones in CR have no more pride, because they openly admit to their struggles. They know now that nothing can separate them from the love of Christ. They know that they now have a savior who has paid the price for their sins and all has been forgiven! They worship, serve and seek help, because they have been freed from the guilt of sin. They truly understand Grace... and Mercy. They continue their journey through life by attending CR to overcome and maintain. There are some Christians in churches today living a lie. Seeking to protect their image in the community or their reputation among believers. Dear people, my husband often uses this analogy: "The church is a hospital for Christians" and in some ways it is. You don't have to "have" your life right before you can be part of a church, but you can't "get" your life right either until you are part of the church of Jesus Christ. ~Giving Him your heart is the first step. Their is healing in His hands. It's so freeing to come alongside other believers to have accountability and unconditional love.

Stephan doesn't understand all this. He says he hates church. He told me that last night. He was hurt by some of the youth members at church who say they love God, but then turned their backs on him. He calls them hypocrites out of hurt. I know that he doesn't understand, but they are growing.. just as he is. I've tried to explain that to him, but I can't change the fact that he was hurt. On the other hand, I am overwhelmed by the amount of adults who speak with him, talk with him, pray for him... I have people to ask how he is doing all the time. I've never been in a church quite like ours. I pray that very soon, Stephan will understand what it means to raise his hands and know that their is freedom, not condemnation in Christ. God doesn't want him to feel condemned, but loved. I hope he can grow to this point soon.

He tells me that his life is not right with God and that he's not going to pretend that it is, like some of his friends. You know, I'm so proud of him for that. You know what that tells me? It tells me that when he does get his life right with God- it will be real! I couldn't ask for anymore than that! As I said in my last post, He led my eight year old nephew to the Lord just last week! He knows the truth. (The way, the truth and the life!)

I have to believe that somewhere in that head of his, sprouts are rooting where seeds have been planted! I pray that very soon, these seeds begin take off and grow. Good parenting is planting seeds... that's it. It's up to our children to cultivate, prune and maintain the growth. It's part of growing up... If you're planting, then good job parent! ...You are doing all the right things!

A letter to Stephan

The following letter is a letter I wrote to Stephan today. During Christmas, we went to my mother's house. My sisters children came over and spent the day with us. Jade is 14, Isaiah is 8. Jade nor Isaiah have grown up in church and have never even heard the gospel of Jesus Christ.... except from me. I have talked to Jade numerous times, but it's hard for her because our talks are not being cultivated by any other source. Living nine hours from her, it's hard to keep a relationship going except by facebook, e-mail and letters in the mail- which I have made a point to do through the years.

When we visit NC, Isaiah has taken to Stephan, especially in the last two years. I can tell by his eight year old expressions that he thinks Stephan is just SO cool!! He wants Stephan to play with him and wants to impress Stephan with things he knows how to do. Little boys are so impressionable at his age. I was so proud of Stephan for taking the time this Christmas to "play" with Isaiah and make him feel excepted.. silly giggles and all!

I noticed that Stephan and Isaiah stayed in the back bedroom for quite sometime. My husband went in there a few times and was told to leave... that they were talking. After about an hour Isaiah came into the living room, looked at Richard and said, "Do you pray... like everyday?" Richard was sort of taken by surprise, but told him that as a matter of fact, he does! Isaiah began to ask Richard question after question... He showed Richard a piece of paper he had in his pocket. Richard noticed it was Stephan's handwriting. Stephan had wrote down how to be saved and make Jesus Christ your Savior. He wrote scripture after scripture.... I had never been so proud. Isaiah told Richard that Stephan and he had prayed "what was on that paper" in the bedroom. Ok, tears.... tears!

Richard began to tell Isaiah (with Stephan in the room) all about Jesus and why he was born. He told him the Christmas story.. a story he had never heard. Isaiah wanted Stephan to buy him a "kids Bible" so that he could understand God. Now that we are home, we are getting it shipped to him from Stephan.

My heart is exploding with joy.... Stephan knows so much truth, yet he deny's God's power in his own life at times. He knows others need Him and leads them to Him, yet he runs.

I am reminded that God answered a prayer of mine a while back, a prayer that let me know that He in fact has a mighty plan for Stephan's life. It was on the day he got his drivers license. I sat there on a bench in the courthouse and prayed for Stephan as he went to take his drivers test. I prayed that the work that God started in Stephan years ago would be completed one day. I prayed for God's plan for Stephan's life... When Stephan came back, the officer said there was something special about Stephan and that God had a plan for his life! Ok, Knock me down! Such a God moment. And you know, Stephan has such great potential, he's the only one who can't see it at times. God does have great things in store.... it was confirmed.

I stumbled across this heart wrenching video today and I wanted Stephan to watch it. The boy, Henry, died at the age of 18 from a long struggle with drug addiction in which he finally overdosed and passed away. It is a sad video and I cried for Henry's family. I sent it to Stephan for two reasons I guess. This first reason I never mentioned to him of course... but I hope he sees that drugs are a dead end street and how easy it was for this young boy to get to a point of no return. I hope he sees how much this family loved Henry and miss him terribly. The second reason, the main reason is hoping that he can see that he wants more out of life... I want him to say to himself that "God's put me here for many reason's... I know so much about drugs, about the habit, about the addiction. Perhaps I can tell my story to hopefully help guys and girls steer clear or to think about how much life "is" worth living and drugs are not worth doing!" I hope he sees that drugs are not a game to toy with one's life with and that he has the ability to help others that could be struggling with the same things that he is/has gone through. I hope he sees that with God, he can have victory over his struggles by helping others overcome theirs.

I wanted this letter to Stephan to be encouraging... I hope it is.... He has so much to give.

(The Letter:


Hey Baby,

I am sending you this link to a video. When you see it you may roll your eyes and not want to watch it... I love you with all that is in me and I am so very proud of you in so many ways. You have surprised me in so many ways.. good ways over the last few days. I was so proud of you for being such a good friend and example to Isaiah. He came to know God because of you and what a better time than Christmas! My heart wells up with gladness. I've told you that you are going to do great and mighty things for God one day! Things that me, dad or Brandon may never do... I told you that back in homeschool! I know God has plans for your life. What plans? I don't know, but you've won more people to the Lord than even I have as of yet! You have a story to tell... a story that can help people around you. You know, what you have been through, the devil means for evil, but God means for good. He never takes us through anything that we can't get through when we trust Him. He will never leave or forsake us. God allows certain things to come into our life and allows us to go through hard times. I think that as long as we keep our hand in his hand He will bring us through and He wants us to help others going through the same stuff we've been through by teaching people what we've learned!

I hope this video helps you discover where you want to go and what you want to do with your life, because you have so much to offer this world! People love you, kids are drawn to you... Isaiah said you were his best friend- that's what he told me! : ) People listen to you, you just have a way with people and I think you know it. I think you should start a blog about your journey over the past few years and attempt to help kids struggling with drug addiction. You may make more of a difference in this world than you know... You may save lives in more ways than you know! I can help you start one!

I know that you have a purpose... you have a mission.... you can help kids like the one in this video by choosing to be used and finding your place in this world! I love you with all my heart!
Mom
http://www.wbir.com/dontmiss/139771/207/Henrys-Story-A-young-mans-battle-with-drug-addiction-and-the-family-who-tried-to-save-him