Mom's First Priority / My Mission Field

 

We celebrated Stephan 23rd and Brandon's 25th birthdays in February! I can't believe my boys are this old! I sent Brandon his gifts to Alabama and we had FaceTime while he opened them. I had never missed one of my boys birthdays before moving to Wisconsin. Brandon having his own little family to celebrate with somehow lessens my burden of longing to be present, although I still wish I could be. He's not alone... that makes me happy. FaceTime is almost like being there... well, ...almost.

 

I had back surgery January 25th, so travel was not an option... I also wasn't able to go out with Stephan to celebrate his birthday with him, BUT.. he wanted Buffalo Wild Wings and went to get it himself and brought it here to the house celebrate with me! How sweet right? We had fun making a video of him eating the hottest wings they serve... He only ate two. His mouth was on..fire..! It was totally hilarious!

 

Stephan has been working out hard core! I mean-- 2 hours a day, 6 days a week! He joined a gym and is now worried about calories, fat, protein, etc. It's awesome watching him research all these things and apply it to his life. He decided to stop drinking during the week and reserve it for the weekends. I secretly wish he would stop altogether--- but---- comparing to where he is now and where he was six years ago, I can't be disappointed at all. Stephan is transforming into who God has called him to be little by little. Little changes happen daily. He's still going to church with us. While we're there, I can't help but glance over at him and when I do, I can hardly believe he's sitting there. It's like God has given me such a great gift that I'm totally in awe of. I really believe that our move to Wisconsin could have saved Stephan's life. However, I can't totally give all the credit to Wisconsin... Stephan deciding to move here was the first step. Stephan did that all by himself. I have God mostly to thank. He has been there on this entire journey. I thank God for answered prayers.

 

I am learning more and more each and every day that God has a plan for all of our lives and sometimes when we don't understand what those plans could be, He's working them for our good although we can't see it at the time.

 

During the last eight months, God has also been dealing with my heart. He has placed me in Wisconsin for reasons I could not understand. One of the reason's "was" Stephan and I believe that with all of my heart. What are the chances that God would move us away from our children (as hard as that was) only to return one of them to us- to allow him to heal? God gave Stephan a second chance. I truly believe that Stephan could have made these same changes in Alabama with God's help, but living in and near the playground of drug acquaintances- it was tempting, but still do-able! With God all things are possible, but for what ever reason, He decided to move us. There were other reason's we were supposed to move as well, if you remember me talking about those things in previous posts such as: Our son, Brandon, who worked with Richard at the same company, could have never moved up if Richard was still there. There are company rules that state that you cannot work "under" a family member. Brandon got the job and his wife, Eliana was able to stay home with Jeremiah. Such a blessing....

 

Like I said, God has been dealing with my heart in very unique ways lately. I have been doing some studying and praying about the "next" in my life. Several years ago, becoming an empty nester was not an easy transition for me. It seemed to happen way too fast. I had been a stay-at-home mom/homeschool mom for 19 years. Five of those years were spent homeschooling. My husband and children were my career of choice. Everything I did revolved around them somehow. I loved managing my household and I felt I did it well. I loved my job! When Brandon decided to move out and rent a little house while he was in college- that was hard. I was excited for him in the fact that he was financially supporting himself, but yet, an emptiness filled my heart. Walking to the top of the stairs at home and turning right was also another reminder that he was gone. He did come home often to eat and wash his clothes!! I helped him buy some things for his house, so he could function. I loved helping him set up house! It was just really, really different setting out three plates at dinner during the nights he wasn't there instead of four.

 

Not long after Brandon moved out, Stephan began having all the issues that this blog is about. Those years of worry and despair weighed heavy on my heart. I felt I had lost Stephan before I actually lost him, if that makes sense! During those years, Brandon met Eliana and married. They became our best friends! We spent almost all of our free time together. Where we went - they went. It was unusual to say the least. I thank God for the years we spent with them. It's unusual for a Mother-in-Law to say that her Daughter-in-Law is her best friend, but she was. We shopped together, we went to Starbucks together. We went to church together... They wanted to be in our Sunday School class! Life was good...

 

Not long after Ellie found out she was pregnant with Jeremiah is when we discovered that we may move. I really think God was working in Stephan's life during this time. He did finally move out of our house for good into his own apartment while we were still in Alabama. That was when he decided he was staying there and not going to Wisconsin with us. That day- my "whole" upstairs became empty. I cried... no I wept.... hard! I guess you could say that fear crept into my life on that day. I began reminding myself that, "God does NOT give us a spirit of fear.. but of power and a sound mind!" Yet, I felt powerless. How could we move and leave Stephan here when he needs us? He said he wasn't going to move with us...so what now? How can I leave Brandon, Ellie and this new baby? I was trying so hard to remain strong and not defeated, but it wasn't working.

 

Not only was the move shredding my heart to pieces, the unknown had me in it's death grip. My life as a mother was no more... I gave birth to two children. I "was" a mother, but my children didn't need me anymore. Where was my worth? The fear of this unknown- of the "next" in my life over shadowed my ability to see the road ahead. I felt as if I'd driven down a dead end street and there was nothing left for me in this world. The thought of leaving friends behind at a church I loved and leaving ministry behind that was so familiar, was pretty scary! It didn't feel that way when we left NC. Perhaps it was because our little family was still intact and I saw it as a new adventure... a journey to "next." Yes, that is exactly how I saw it...

 

I also knew that the emotions and thoughts I was having because of the move and motherhood was a perfect lie- straight from the pit. I decided one day that I was not going to be defeated, that I was going to embrace this new chapter in my life! God sent us here! I'm not damaged goods. I have worth...! I just have to figure out a way to refurbish myself! The Holy Spirit gives us all gifts to use in every season of our lives. I really believe there are seasons of winter-- Literally, winter when we moved here! But even though I was depressed, my "winter" gave me a chance to find who I was in Christ, not who I am in this world. He has called me to many purposes... He has a list of priorities that He wants me to keep in focus!! One is being His child. My relationship with God is the most important relationship that I will ever have. My relationship with my husband is second.. then my children... then my job... then ministry. Yep, ministry is last on the list! I remember Richard teaching on this in Family Ties oh so well. If our relationship with God suffers- it doesn't take long to have a negative ripple effect on our spouse and family... We have to cultivate our relationship with our husbands, because the children will not always be there. You don't want to be a stranger to your spouse when the children are gone! Our children should come before our jobs. Ministry "OUTSIDE THE HOME" should come last. Our spouse and children should be our "first" ministries... If we don't have that one right we have no right to minister elsewhere! If our relationship with God is strong and our husband and our children "are" our first ministries, then that puts many things in perspective! Just because I'm not an active "mom" anymore, doesn't mean that my husband and my children are not part of my ministry! I have a daughter-in-love that's never been a wife or a mother. In reading Titus 2, I am compelled to be this "older woman" in my Ellie's life. I have a lot of wisdom that I can share! Being a wife and mother was my career for goodness sake! Ha ha!! Same goes for Richard in Brandon's life!

 

I realized that my family had gotten a lot bigger! My ministry just got a lot bigger... I just had a different role to play, that's all.... It does make things a little hard being 750 miles apart at times, but I really think that's a God thing too. Brandon and Eliana don't need us 10 miles away, although it would be SOOOOoo nice! I wouldn't ache to see my grandchildren as we do, but they need to establish their own household and learn to manage it well, getting their priorities in order. If they ask for advice, which they do often, we give it! It's such a blessing to have a son or daughter-in-love to call on you first when problems arise. It doesn't get much better than that.

 

All the years we missed with Stephan-- God has given those years back to us here in Wisconsin! Stephan was beaten down by addiction, but by the power of God, he is doing so well. He's working out! He's at the gym two hours a day, six days a week! He and Richard are always mumbling about protein, gains, whey... Stephan is taking vitamins... He's watching fitness videos and learning from  guys online!  It's great! As he was leaving our house the other night, he started singing, "Tomorrow is chest and back day...!" I forget what it was in the tune too, but it was so stinkin' funny!

 

God has turned my grief into joy. I truly hope that one day God will work some kind of miracle to where we can live in the same city with Stephan and Brandon's family. I'm praying for it. For now, I have to keep my priorities in balance and know that I am on a mission to love God and to know Him more. I'm on a mission to love my husband in the ways he needs to be loved and by cooking him yummy food. I'm on a mission to speak truth into my children's lives. I'm on a mission to see that my grandchildren come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and know how to walk with Him. I'm on a mission to keep my house in order and to be used by God on a daily basis wherever I go... That's a huge mission field! It's mine... 

 

I wanted to add a few pictures. The first one is of Stephan before we moved. The second picture is of Stephan and I last summer. God has been good.... so very good........... 

 

 

 

 

Here are some lyrics to one of the last songs I sang at DBC. I loved this song then and I love it more now. It's called, "Waiting Here for You." 

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for you,
I’m waiting here for you
 

You’re the Lord of all creation
And still you know my heart
The Author of Salvation
You’ve loved us from the start
 

Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia
 

You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we're desperate for Your presence
All we need is You
 

Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, singing alleluia, alleluia.........................