We're Moving- But So Is God!!!!

I guess you will have to read over my last post (September 11th) to truly appreciate this post!

I haven't blogged since September for several reasons. First reason is- We did move to Wisconsin! I've been here for two months now. Before the move, I was extremely depressed. I finally had to stop going to choir practice. I'm not a quitter, but going was painful... All the questions. I had announced that we were moving during one rehearsal, but others who weren't there would ask, "I heard you were moving?" I'd have to explain.. over and over and over. The one statement that hurt the most was: "Isn't your daughter-in-law pregnant? How in the world are you going to leave that baby?" or "I bet you'll miss that baby." or "I bet you're having a hard time leaving that baby aren't you?" Oh my God.. cut me with a knife will you!!! Just gut me right here!!! No one knows the nights I woke up in the middle of the night- not just in a hot sweat, but waking up screaming OUTLOUD waking Richard. This went on for weeks before the move. I felt emotionally tortured within and being at church and people asking stupid gut wrenching questions tore my heart out! I know they meant no harm, but I couldn't physically deal with it! Leaving Jeremiah meant he might not know me. I'm supposed to be there for him. I needed him. I wanted to hold him and to watch him grow. I wanted to be part of his life and for him to come over for visits. Life was not fair right about now. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I needed him to know and love me.

During the "process" of moving -I was extremely depressed. Men came to my house, packing up my stuff and I had to be there to supervise. That meant time away from Brandon, Ellie, Jeremiah and Stephan. I had just spent a month with them since Richard left, but at the time it felt as if it were no time at all. The movers had me packed in two days. My home that I loved was a vast, empty place and I stood in it alone... and just cried. My life seemed to be escaping me.

After the move... I was extremely depressed. Snow was now part of my scenery and there I was on my couch in a foreign place with no one. I had Richard... I'm glad I had him. Sadly, the depression was so bad I didn't leave the couch for about three days. It was me, my iPod and I had discovered the game Hey Day which kept me busy. How had I stooped so low? I'm feeding imaginary chickens for crying out loud!!! It was bad... I felt myself wanting to withdraw from the world. I wanted my life back. I wanted my family and my baby Jeremiah back.

Today, for the first time since "The Big Move," I actually opened my blog to discover that people are reading it. I discovered that people just like me are struggling and needing comfort, advice, prayer...

I took a class once, on Depression when we lived in Oak Ridge, NC. It was at the Billy Graham training Facility in Asheville. I was there for other reasons, but I had a free class.. It was after my father died... I sat there listening to the lady speak. She had cards that pictured different expressions of emotions on them that one may feel, etc. It was pretty generic, but informational. It was when individual people in the class began to ask her questions that things began to spiral downward and out of control. She couldn't answer the questions... Finally, she said, "I can't answer your questions because I have never been personally depressed!"  I was thoroughly upset. I felt deceived! Someone asked, "Then why are you teaching about depression when you've never been depressed? How can you know what we are feeling?" Needless to say... the class didn't end well.

When I started this blog- I felt like my story may help someone... Maybe someone knows what I'm feeling! Maybe others who "do" feel the same way and are experiencing the same struggle with someone they love! I have found this to be true. Other people are going through the same thing I'm going through and when you go it alone... Well, that's a lonely place to be. It helps to talk and to gain strength from others who have walked or are walking in your shoes.


So why was I depressed? The thought of leaving Stephan in Alabama was overwhelming. There were so many uncertainties! Was it the right decision? We had prayed about him going with us and... not going with us...! On one hand, we felt a change may do him good. (You know, new place, new people, new opportunities, new church, a fresh start where no one knows your past.) On the other hand- We could NOT relive the last episode of him being in Wisconsin on a daily basis! (See last post.) NOT an option! The other thing was our relationship with our oldest son and his wife... (see last post!) They were our best friends!!! PLUS- our first grandchild was on the way.... The thought of not watching him grow was grieving to my soul!

Well, backing up, during the process of the move, Stephan was in a pretty depressed state himself. He didn't take it well when the final word came in that we "were" moving. That sent him on a tail spin of sorts. He took every opportunity he could to get high! Things got pretty bad. His anger increased even more... Long story short- there was lots of home improvements that needed to be done to his room when we moved out in order to sell our home. We just left it in God's hands. We told him that we'd like for him to go with us, but we couldn't do the drug thing! We told him we couldn't relive what "went down" the last time we were in Wisconsin!! We gave him examples of opportunities there and reasons to start over. Perhaps it was a chance of a lifetime! Was God moving us for Stephan?? Was God moving us "away" from Stephan?? So many questions that we were seeking answers to in prayer. On the other hand, we also told Stephan that he could stay in Alabama. We wanted to leave the choice up to him, but prayerfully hoping that he would allow God to help him make the choice. 'We" didn't want to interfere with God's plans... but sincerely wanted to know what the plan was!! What we ultimately wanted to do was leave an impression in Stephan's mind that we love him, we want him, but it's his choice as to where he stays! And the choice was his... the ball was in his court! I secretly wanted this to be a new life for him. I did... I pictured him getting a job in WI, finding good friends, going to college... Was it just a dream? I looked back on his track record and told myself that I'm kidding myself!! The scenario of him "staying" in Alabama scared me to death. I didn't even want to think about it. However, as my mind transferred over to what Stephan must be thinking, I knew this was real to him... His parents are moving and he was down to the nitty gritty as far as choices go! The short of it: He had gotten mad and told us he was staying........

When he said that, I wanted to throw up! I cried.... I screamed ( in private.)  I wondered why God was doing this to us! I asked so many questions!! I never try to second guess God, but although I knew He was going before us and the fact that we had actually seen His hand concerning this move; my heart was still tied up in knots! It was clear as day that we were supposed to move, so why am I so perplexed? Is my son going to be ok? Is he going to starve? Where is he going to live? Is he going to get deeper and deeper involved in drugs and...(   )  I can't hardly write the word... I don't want to write it... I won't... write that D word. I just want him to be ok and stay alive! Just be ok... I would pray- "Just take care of him Lord! I know you've got plans for his life... You've showed me that! Please keep him safe!" I tell you, fear set in... It really did.

God continued to remind me in my pain and all my fear that He was in control. Not me! One day, after weeks and weeks of pain and grief with Stephan- Stephan finally broke! He looked at me with the most pitiful look that makes me want to cry even now. He was crying and said, "Why are ya'll moving to Wisconsin and LEAVING me here!!!!!"  I just looked at him and said to him, "Stephan, baby, you know that me and your dad would NEVER, EVER leave you!!!! We LOVE you and want what's best for you. You KNOW you can go with us!!" We embraced and both of us cried. I have never seen such fear and helplessness in his eyes....  He told me that he knew that he couldn't do drugs in Wisconsin and he didn't know if he could quit. We talked for a while and he seemed excited about a fresh start... but then he also wanted to stay in Alabama, because he had a girlfriend. He wanted to go, yet he wanted to stay. I could tell that his thoughts were churning. He had decided to stay again......... but he was pretty overwhelmed at exactly how he was going to do it! BUT, for the first time in his life, he was having to make real decisions for himself- REAL decisions! When someone "has" to do something, they find a way and he finally began a process of his own.

A few days passed. It seemed after Stephan's break down, he changed. I think he felt secure in our love for him, although he knew how much he was loved... we tell him we do everyday! I think he just needed to be reminded of it again. He knew we wanted him to go with us, but it's like once he got passed his feelings and knew he had the choice to go or stay and the choice was his... -  STEPHAN--- started looking for a job and taking control of things! He put in a few applications here and there... Time was running out though. (He would leave with his girlfriend, Rainey to "put in applications" and come home with a few blank ones. He filled out one online... one...  I drove him around town to put in a few myself, because at this point, he still wasn't driving his car again since he was home again! Since he was staying in Alabama, we finally decided to give the car back to make job hunting much easier!  We paid the insurance for the first month to show him that we supported him and Stephan agreed to start paying it after that.. Which was another incentive for him to find a job!! Richard also said that I was NOT going to be his transportation! So, we figured that if he didn't find a job- the insurance would cancel out and he'd be right back where he started, but at least this put him in a situation to where he COULD find a job and HAD to find a job to keep his car - and it would be on him if he didn't! It was pushing him in a good direction and giving him an opportunity to make things different.

Days passed and Stephan's job search was at a stand still. All I knew- is time was running out! I felt so anxious inside about him finding a job since he was so undecided about weather he was going or staying!! God, --then again, stepped in- smacked me upside the head- He reminded me that I didn't need to interfere with Stephan's job hunting, nor did I need to press him on the matter. I need to let Stephan do it, because Stephan is doing exactly what Stephan wants to do! Stephan's return on how much time he invests into looking for a job will be his reward!

For a few weeks he had no luck , although he HAD put in several applications... I noticed that Stephan started cleaning out his room. When Stephan starts cleaning- something good is going on. Stephan off drugs is a clean freak! But this was different. He started gathering things that belonged to his friends -clothes, etc. and returning them! I thought it to be odd. This went on for several days. I also noticed he was spending more time at home with me and his dad. He wanted to pick up a movie and watch it with me etc. He finally told me one day that he couldn't find a job and that maybe God wanted him to go with us! He said, maybe it would be better for him to get away and maybe that's why he wasn't finding one. He also told me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night!!! This was all a little bit "information overload." I didn't know quite how to process it! I was also over joyed that he was speaking of God and actually thinking about what may be best for him and including God in it!!! When he came home- he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend. I did tell him that if he didn't love her, that he didn't need to string her along and if he did, he DIDN"T need to hurt her! I also suggested that he needed to continue to look for a job regardless of weather he stayed or went with us... He did have insurance to pay and perhaps he could transfer his job when we moved.

One day, Stephan came home and "Stephan"- found a job!! He started working at Little Caesars in October of 2012. He did pay his insurance in November.. it was late and he paid a late fee... but hey, he paid it! In November he had made arrangements to move out and live with another guy who was in the military and 28 years old. My first thought was, that at least it wasn't one of the croanie's he'd been hanging with! He also told me that his girlfriend was moving in too. NOT what a mama wants to hear... I guess the positive in all this is: He as a job, he found a place to live on his own, he began discussing his finances with me and Richard and wanted our advise on weather or not he'd be able to afford the rent and his insurance, gas and food! We made him a budget on paper. He could see where all his dollars would go. I believe he felt a sense of confidence in himself- and he moved out that next weekend!

The empty feeling you feel when your baby leaves the nest is as empty as it gets. I was not happy, I was not sad, I was scared, I was hopeful, I was glad, I was mad, I cried, I laughed... I reminisced on his childhood as we packed up awards, footballs, pictures, birthday cards, his favorite pillow... It was the bitterest of bittersweet moments a mother could have. Only he wasn't going away to college. My son was struggling, he was on drugs, he felt a little abandoned and alone... he felt loved, he felt confused and uncertain about his future.... He felt our support and he knows we're there for him, but miles were getting ready to separate us like never before.

Over the next few weeks, he visited often! He was doing well. He smelled of alcohol, but always made time for us weather that was at the house or out to eat. We had a wonderful Christmas... Stephan decided he didn't like earrings any longer! He also wanted an authentic "Polo" shirt- I bought him one as one of his Christmas gifts. I'll take a Polo shirt over scrappy t-shirts any day! He wanted his hair cut... I cut it! Stephan looked nice... He acted nice. He hugged us, told us he loved us. He was coming back to us!

Ellie's belly had grown so much with little one growing inside. We ate, we laughed... Brandon, Richard and Stephan arm wrestled... Stephan started going to church with us! YES he did....  At first he didn't go to Bible Study- only church... He felt like everyone was starring or maybe judging, but you know, once he was there and people loved on him-- he started going to our Bible Study class. It was an answer to prayer... I've told Stephan that church is sometimes referred to as a "hospital" for Christians, because we are all broken and struggle in different areas- that's why Jesus died for us. Without His sacrifice on the cross for us all, we would all surely perish- because we are all infected with sin!

Little Jeremiah was born!!! What an awesome day... Oh, he looks so much like my Brandon... Stephan looked at Brandon and said, "I can't believe you're a dad!" Then he laughed...  Stephan held Jeremiah with such love, starring into his little face and rubbing his little hands... Stephan fell in love, as we all did! He's such a little joy! I had never been in love like this before... wow! He stole my heart.

The day came for Richard to leave. I think this day was probably the worst day of my life. It all became real. Richard's mother and sister were there from NC. I was holding back tears for three days before Richard left and cried when no one was around. My eyes were so swollen all those days! Richard told us all bye. He went around the room and hugged everyone. We all cried. I walked him out and after a few moments, Stephan came outside and sat on the steps. I motioned for him to come to the truck and he did. He was crying... We all had another group hug. OH goodness, this was so hard. I had another month in Alabama, but knowing that Stephan was feeling like his dad was leaving for good was so hard to watch. I think we said, "I love you" a hundred times...  Stephan went back inside and Richard and I hugged some more. When he left, it all came crashing down!!! I cried uncontrollably. I started screaming out on the front porch and couldn't stop! I can't explain it. It was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced- Thoughts were flooding my head about Brandon and Ellie, new little Jeremiah, Stephan!!! How am I going to do this???? I can't do this!!! I can't move... Richard's mother had to come outside. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I tell you- words can't express the feelings I had that day. I upset everyone. Ellie ran upstairs. Brandon and Stephan were crying. Richard's mother and sister were crying. It was terrible..... but... Finally- we were all breathing again. My tears subsided. I went to the bathroom to discover dried pieces of toilet paper all over my face. I was a sight!

I spent time with my kids more the next month like never before! I was at Brandon and Ellie's helping with the baby most of the time. Stephan would come by when he was off work. I also had "all" the kids over for meals at my house several times : ) It was a good time...

Stephan and I had lunch together often. It was good to have that one on one time with him. We discussed how he was doing. He was still paying rent, working and paying car insurance!! He told me that he couldn't afford much- He also told me that he quit doing chemical drugs during that time. He told me he couldn't keep a job doing junk like that and he didn't want to get fired. He said, I'm just smoking weed and drinking! I have to laugh inside. Years ago, this would have been terrible news, but that day- it was great news! It was awesome news!! He also added that he hated "parties" and he couldn't wait to have a place of his own.

Was my Stephan growing up?

Richard flew back to Alabama to drive me and my car up. He had been in WI for one month and going stir crazy! He needed meatloaf!! : ) However, the week before he came was numbing. The movers were there packing up all my stuff! I had decided to let them do it all, so I could spend more time with the kids. I tell you, I loved my house, I loved where I lived, I love my kids, I love my church, I love my friends... It seemed that I was having to leave absolutely (everything) I loved! We had also seen the hand of God in this move, yet, I couldn't figure out why I felt so forsaken... How is this God's plan? Why is this God's plan?

The day we left was just grievous for me. I held on to Jeremiah and dreaded having to let him go.  I took him in his bedroom, sat down in the rocking chair, held him and cried forever. How could I leave him? My heart was being ripped from my chest... My sons- I watched them grow into young men. Why was God separating us! My Ellie, had become my BFF! (Best friend forever!) We did everything together! My hopes and dreams of watching my boys have families of their own and grandchildren wrapped around my feet were becoming uncertain. I won't be able to have a jungle gym in the back yard now. I won't be cooking Sunday dinner, Easter dinner, Christmas dinner... What about the desires of MY heart?? I prayed for this for years! Lord, what now?? This is not fair...

All I know, is that God does... "know." He knows the plans he has for us...- (Jeremiah 29:11.)
Since my last post some things have happened. I have to say it's answered prayers! God is good! Sometimes answered prayers is not what you expect it to be:

*Brandon didn't get the job we'd hoped for as mentioned in my last post.... He got another one just as good!!! A job we never, ever in a million years ever think he'd get, nor was it available when we moved, nor did we ever imagine it would be! Someone quit out of the blue...! Brandon had to travel to NC to train for it for two weeks... He got a $6.50 raise! Ellie doesn't have to worry about going back to work now! Brandon never would have been eligible for this job if Richard were still plant manager, because like I said, Brandon can't work under Richard! God can do some amazing things! We didn't see that one coming!

*Stephan still has a job at Little Caesars and told me during my (March 1st) visit to Alabama that he is trying to stop smoking pot, so he can get a better job! He said he's just drinking...  Note: My earlier conversation before we moved was Stephan telling me he quit chemical drugs and was just smoking pot and drinking! This is progress....This is progress...! His car insurance is getting paid on time now! He's moving out of the apartment with the other guy and is moving into his own apartment! His girlfriend is moving in too... again, not my best advice, but God is working in Stephan's life in so many ways. (Rome wasn't built in a day and Billy Graham didn't become an evangelist over night!) He spends a lot of time with his brother, Brandon, and Ellie since we're gone. The apartment he's moving to is very family friendly- not the ghetto! I helped Stephan find the apartment online and I really, really have a good feeling about it. He went and filled out the application, got approved, now he's waiting for one to come available.

*Stephan came over to Ellie's the other day for a visit and they took Jeremiah for a stroll. Ellie called me so excited and said that Stephan just blew her mind!!!! I'm like- "Tell it girl!!! Tell it!!!" She said that they were walking and talking and Stephan was telling her about all the things he put me and his dad through. He said, "I used to hate it when they would lecture me. OH, I'd get so mad... they just went on ..and on ..and ON!!! Dad thought I wasn't listening, but I was....  I HATED it when they would tell me where I could go, where I couldn't go, who I could hang out with and who I couldn't!!  I usually did the opposite of everything they told me not to do... You know, I realize now that they were lecturing me because they love me and were trying to protect me! I GET IT NOW!!!! I find myself giving advise to others and it's exactly what my parents used to tell ME!!"  He ended by telling Ellie this: He said, " I have good parents, you know? I know they love me and always just wanted what was best for me..."

The next morning after Ellie told me this, Richard and I both received a text from Stephan (at 6:45 in the morning) that said: "I love you..."  That's all it said... That's all I needed to hear. I cried tears of joy... My son is growing. He's taken control of his own life. He's doing it! He's eating at Taco Bell because it's cheap, but he's doing it!

I have claimed Jeremiah 29:11 for Stephan's life:  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The other day I was reading and read verse 12 and 13...   "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."

Stephan called a few days ago and told me he was praying about his apartment. Praying!! Wow... It brought those verses to mind. I told him to keep praying and let God guide him, that God would never lead him astray... He said he knew.

Lord, watch over him, keep him safe and guide him................. Help me to trust You even when I don't understand your ways. I know that you have our best interests in mind.... because Your Word says that all things work together... Even moving to Wisconsin when I didn't want too.

Life and It's Unexpected Twists and Turns

I haven't been on here in quite some time. I guess everybody thinks that everything is ok, but things are pretty much the same, if not worse at times. We've had a lot going on outside of Stephan's addiction- positive things! We just found out that our son, Brandon and his wife are having a baby boy! We are just so excited!! I have no idea what I want to be called... I'm going to be a 40 year old grandmother, so I need something cool you know? : ) Ha ha!

Ellie, my daughter-in-law, and I spend so much time together! We talk on the phone every morning.. then we meet in town and do our shopping together on grocery day! I went with her to pick out paint colors for their new house the other day... they come over at least three times a week! Sometimes more! They are our best friends : )  Sometimes I think to myself that it's not supposed to be this way, but I'm so thankful it is. I DO, however, try to keep my opinions to myself if not "asked" my opinion. We are so much alike I seldom ever- if ever- have to bite my tongue! Richard and I both try our best NEVER to interfere, but to assist- again, if asked! We do keep our distance in those ways. I feel that our relationship is so strong because of God Himself. I never imagined I would love my daughter-in-law as much as  I do Ellie. Perhaps it's because I've been praying for her since Brandon was a baby.... I'm sure of it!

We may be going through some changes in the next few months. Richard's company has bought another company in Wisconsin and the president of the company has asked Richard to manage it. The job will be no different for Richard as he is the plant manager here... just different people and a different location! When I first found out about the possibility of moving I cried for weeks. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying, I even cried in the shower! You see, Brandon and Ellie and our future little Jeremiah will not be going with us... Oh, I'm about to break even thinking about it!

We flew to Wisconsin last week to check out the area and for Richard to meet the former owner/plant manager. It was a really good over all visit. I had healed somewhat by this point. My tears only come occasionally now... I tell you, God has shown up in so many ways it's unreal! He's pointing north and has confirmed it in ways that would make your head spin! I have really had to put my trust and faith in God in so many ways lately. He's dealing with my heart and has shown me that His ways are higher than mine. He says that He knows the plans He has for me to give me a hope and a future! He wants me to trust Him and be obedient to His calling upon our lives, because this is so much more than just a job, it's a mission that I know nothing about yet, because I'm not there yet! I've asked God to forgive me for my pity parties, for my doubting, for my unwillingness to go where He's sending me, for asking "why?" You know, the Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, right? I always imagined that both my boys would grow up, marry, have babies and always live nearby, so we could celebrate holidays together like all the families on TV- and like a lot of families that I know!! Sometimes life takes twists and turns... sometimes we see them coming... sometimes we don't. All I do know- is that I have to give up my life to have it! I have to go where He leads. I may cry the whole way there, but my desire is to be obedient and to have trust that He IS giving me the desires of my heart in ways that I can't even imagine! When he said, "follow me, and I will make you fisher's of men,"  he didn't tell us to pack up our whole entire family too. God has plans for each of our lives here on Earth, which is such a short amount of time compared to eternity! I'll spend eternity with my children... for now, I place one foot in front of the other out of obedience, but not without tears in my eyes.  I am really looking forward to watching God's plan unfold. Father, my life is in your hands.... give me strength!

One thing that I'm watching for God to do- or to see what He does is: You see, Brandon works for the same company Richard works for. Brandon is a machine operator now, but when Brandon was 14, yes you heard me... 14... he worked for the company taking metal dyes, and measuring them to the "zillimeter." no that's not a word, but it is now... and drawing a blue print of the dye in Auto CAD for the dye maker to have a print to lay on a piece of wood to make dye making like 100% faster! Brandon is so smart! Long story short, he finished High School, went to college, got his degree- was going to be a nurse- eventually a Physician's assistant, but that all changed when he worked in the ER. He grew weary of it all and discovered that was not what he wanted to do at all. He quit the ER and started working for Richard's company. The only stipulation is that he can not work directly under Richard. Before, he worked for the president, now he works for the machine supervisor. Since Richard is moving out of plant manager position there is another guy at the company that will move up into Richard's position, which leaves "this" guys position open! Brandon has been recommended by two people so far for the job. Brandon's income would almost double if he got it! : ) 
I can say that if God could/would allow something like this to happen in my son's life to benefit him and his new family- I would move in a heart beat! It would be a sacrifice that I'd be willing to make. Ellie also would not have to worry with finding work when the baby is born! I guess we will see....

As far as my dear Stephan... he is still using. He went to Wisconsin with us, only to discover that he was taking acid on the way there. He wanted to see what the clouds looked like from the plane on his "trip."

When he does this particular drug, coming off is brutal... not for him, for me. He's violent. Not toward me... but hitting and throwing things in our home, screaming and cussing! Our neighbor witnessed it the other day. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I don't know what to do! When we were in WI, he was coming off. I stayed at the hotel with him the first full day. He slept till one. Richard was with the president of the company visiting another company in Illinois that they may potentially buy in the future, so I figured that as long as he was sleeping, my life would be easier! That night, I decided to venture out with him by myself... He seemed fine, jokey and happy! Richard was back at this time, but he had a horrible migraine and had to sleep.. We needed dinner and I needed to go to Target, so I decided to leave. I was a little nervous about driving. I was in a rental SUV, very unfamiliar with the roads- hey, never been to Wisconsin, you know!! I punched Target's location into the GPS and we were on our way! Everything was awesome! Stephan and I laughed on the way, I walked into Target to look for the things I needed. Stephan told me he was going to go buy cigarettes... When I was ready to leave I couldn't find him, so I went to the car, still no Stephan! I went back inside the store to find him having a meltdown! Cigarettes were $7.50 a pack and he was screaming and cussing so loud they called security! When he ran outside he sat down! I walked out behind him, told him to GET in my car! You just can't imagine the nervousness that came over me, well maybe you can if you have experienced this with an addict. I was completely overwhelmed. He continued screaming in the car and jumped out of my vehicle! Everybody in the parking lot was now involved... Stephan yelled at them and told them how stupid it was that cigarettes cost so much. He reminded them all that, YES, he's from Alabama and he wasn't going to move there!!!!!! He took off on foot. I was afraid to go looking for him.. afraid I'd get lost, but I did keep circling the block and could NOT find him. He didn't have a cell phone- He broke that the week before by throwing it on the street in front of our house! I'm telling you, by this time I was a snotty, blubbery mess. I was praying, crying and driving! I also figured that I was in such a state of shock that I didn't have my headlights on! I had to pull over to figure out how to turn them on! Was this the last time I would see my son? I'm in a different state, a new city, in an unfamiliar car and it was getting dark! I drove back to the Target parking lot. That was the last place he saw me, so I thought he might come back... he didn't.

I finally called Richard at the hotel and he told me to come back. I couldn't just leave him! What if he came back!! Stephan does this at home all the time and I DO just leave him! I've left him many times! In this case, being we were in another state for Heavens sake and I panicked! Richard kept reminding me that he was a big boy and he could take care of himself! Oh, I was so mad at Stephan... Part of me was mad at myself for allowing him to put me in this state of mind. I texted my sister in NC. She reminded me that I have to let him go.. I have to take care of myself.. and she was right and I knew it!

I punched in the hotel location and I did make it back. Richard and I went to McDonald's to grab a bite to eat, but I was so torn up, I couldn't eat. About an hour later Stephan called from a gas station. Richard told him to get back the best way he could! We did ride over to the gas station though... like two idiots! He wasn't there. By this time, it was pushing 10:00. We went back to the hotel and he was outside waiting for us. He said he walked, but we saw a police car circle the building, so I'm not sure if he did or not. Richard dropped me off at the hotel and he and Stephan drove around having a "heart to heart!!"

The next day Richard and I were looking at houses with the realtor. Stephan kept making drug references that nobody would catch unless they had experimented with drugs themselves in the past or had ever dealt with an addict. As we walked into another house... Richard told Stephan to "BE QUIET!  Stephan was like, "Whaaat... !" Richard told him he was embarrassing him. Stephan replied with a quick, "I am not embarrassing you!" Richard told him that he WAS- and he was getting ready to embarrass HIM! Stephan took off again! I believe the realtor was mortified. When we left, she wanted to know if we wanted to go look for him. Richard told her no, he was a big boy and he'd find his way back to the hotel- He found his way back last night! She didn't say a word...
I'm sorry, but these two episodes were what I feared the most when we decided to bring him along. My nightmares came true!

At this point, I had had enough! I was humiliated in front of the realtor, but didn't cry a tear! Numbness had taken over my life once again. Richard and I decided to go to a very fancy restaurant and talk about the move. We also discussed that Stephan was almost 20 years old and we were not bringing him with us if things didn't change. We are praying about this decision. We love Stephan, oh, so much! He's my child! What would be best for him??? We "thought' that moving would be a good change for him when all this came about. He even mentioned getting to have a fresh start on life himself! He proved on this trip that he didn't want it! Or it surely seemed that way! Perhaps leaving him in AL is what would be best for him! He wouldn't have us as a crutch any longer! I don't know... I just want to do what God wants us to do. Maybe this move is all for Stephan- whether he goes or not! I could see God working in either scenario! We just have to keep praying for peace on a decision.
By the way, Stephan found his way back to the hotel... again!

Last night, at home in Alabama- Stephan called at twenty till eleven... His curfew is 10:00. He needed a ride home. I reminded him of his curfew and if he needed a ride he should have called at 9:00 to let us know, being that where he was a 40 minute round trip! Like he were a child, I reminded him "again" of being respectful of our time, the fact that Dad has to work in the morning etc... same stuff I've told him over and over. Richard got the phone and told him to walk. Stephan said some choice words... again, disrespecting the hand that feeds him! We went to bed... didn't sleep very well of course. Why does things just have to be this tough you know??? What's wrong with doing the next right thing? What's wrong with being responsible? I understand that when he's messed up, that he can't think rationally, but why get messed up? Why keep doing the same stupid thing over and over? He walked to a local McDonald's and called... Richard refused to pick him up again and told him he'd got that far and to keep on walking! He told him to get Caleb to pick him up and reminded him that Caleb didn't have to work the next day- neither did he! Stephan finally came in at 1:30. He did get a ride from someone... He's going to have to learn that we are not going to live our life around his bad decisions, he's going to have to adjust his life around ours our make other arrangements. Why does love have to be so tough? I just don't feel like Stephan's going to change until he's left with no other choice. He needs Jesus so much.

Is anyone out there going through this with your teen? Have you found successful ways to reach your teen? Sometimes it's just hard to parent with love and logic isn't it? Of course, I have forgotten what logic is...

Prayers Needed

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Maybe you're thinking that things have been looking a lot brighter around here these days. In some ways, yes, in a lot of ways, no.

Since my last post, Stephan is still working, which is a great positive. He almost was fired a few weeks ago, but miraculously they kept him. He's moved out again and living with a friend. Stephan's doing acid... He's dating a girl. He still has no car. We've decided to just let him have it finally, but the crank shaft is messed up. He's getting rides to work, so maybe it's best. He doesn't live with us. Richard's tried to assist him in finding somewhere for him to get it fixed. Notice I said, "assist." It's been about two months since we noticed it wouldn't crank, and Richard has told him what he needs to do. He even went to the auto supply store to help. They didn't have the part. Richard told him how to get it. Stephan went to order it... it was going to have to be on back order, so Stephan decided that would take too long and told the guy to forget it. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, you know that the part could have been here by now and his car would be on the road! Stephan doesn't do much of anything in order these days.

I bought him a pocket calendar, hoping that would help... I haven't been able to give it to him yet, because I haven't seen him. I did talk to him the other day and told him some suggestions of things he should do... it goes in one ear and out the other. We are trying to let him figure things out. It's the best way for him to come face to face with responsibility.

He had court again the other day for another ticket. I reminded him to ask off work, he forgot... and now there's a warrant for his arrest.

Two weeks ago, he was involved in a huge drug bust. He and two friends were at someone's apartment to buy acid. The dealer had stepped out and wasn't there for some reason. Long story short- the cops came in- questioned the boys. Both the other boys denied that they were there to buy drugs. When they questioned Stephan and asked if he was there to buy drugs, he politely said, "Yes sir, I am!" They arrested the other two boys and let Stephan go because of his honesty!!! Unbelievable... I can't believe this??? They did want to meet Stephan the next day and use Stephan as a decoy to catch someone else who is a big marijuana dealer! I tell you, I pray protection over him and I pray that his eyes would be opened. God gave him yet another chance to get things right!

Last Saturday, I ran my very first 5K! I did great : ) I beat my own personal time by almost 3 minutes!! I was so excited. I just kept saying, "I did it!! I did it!!" : )  The negative of this, ...and I hate to throw in a negative, but I need prayer...  is that I injured my hip flexor muscle and haven't been able to walk since Saturday!! Never, ever throughout my whole training did this happen! It's just unbelievable and so painful!!! I am on crutches and slide around on the hard floor in a wheeled office chair! Yes, I'm a sight. Haha!

Two days ago, my daughter-in-law drove her van to take my son lunch where he works and the van wouldn't crank when she went out to leave. She had to go to the dentist within the next hour, so she took Brandon's jeep and planned on picking him up after work- then go order the part for the van. When she came out of the dentist's office, someone was waiting on her--- because he had backed into the jeep!!!

Brandon and Eliana only have one vehicle now, so she can't come over to be with me during the day and to top it all off-- My husband, Richard had to go to North Carolina on business this morning and won't return for six days! Yes, I need prayer.... I'm sorry to sound whiny today. I've cried off and on... but have to remind myself that things could be much worse. I need to be thankful that I'm healing- and I am.. slowly. That's a lot to praise God for.

Stephan told Richard he would call me. He just found out I couldn't walk yesterday, but I haven't heard from him yet. It's ok... Stephan just won't take our advice and that's ok too. He's going to have to figure this thing out! I trust he will.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...

So How Does Less Active = Proactive?

I've been doing a lot of praying lately. Stephan has been at his job for, I guess, three weeks now! He gave Richard some money to set aside for his upcoming expenses and will get paid again this Friday. I am really proud of him for this!

He has court Thursday for the tickets he incurred a few months ago, which will cost him 300.00+. He didn't show up for court when he was supposed too, so there are "fees" to be paid as well. He owes Richard some money for car repairs on his car and he'll need to pay his car insurance and keep that paid monthly. He's still not driving his car. I don't know when I'll be comfortable with that, but it has to come to pass at some point.

Like I said, I am bathing that boy in prayer and I also came to some conclusions this morning as I drove him to work. These "conclusions" are the same conclusions that I have came up with before, just different situations or scenarios... I really want him to be successful now that he is off chemical drugs and seems to really be trying to get his life in order. As I mentioned before, we still encounter "speed bumps" on occasion. He IS off the chemicals, praise God, but has come home once this week drenched in marijuana. You know, we've come so far... We talked about it and told him it has to stop. We went through all the dangers of it and it leading back to other drugs, etc. I can't imagine how hard this is for him. I know this could sound crazy, but smokin' a little pot seems so insignificant at this point, compared to where we've been, but we ARE working through it day by day. He's even noticing little things about his friends that really sound encouraging to me. Things like- how his friend Caleb sleeps all day, doesn't work, isn't looking for a job and mooches off his grandmother for money! Stephan says, "that's just not right!" He's genuinely upset over that and I'm really glad!! So, like I said, day by day, we're working with him to get things back in order and we're making good ground. I really want him to work hard, be a good employee, get his debt paid and get on top of his finances, so that things will really start changing for him in the near future. But, you have to notice the word "I" in my first sentence. I'm here to tell you that the word "I" is my problem.

"I" realized it again today and it all started with Stephan being his usual self. He's a guy right? How long does it take a guy to get up, shower, eat and get dressed? For most guys, not long! It takes Stephan exactly an hour... He's so ritualistic in "how" he gets himself ready and has his grooming techniques down to an art. I'm not saying these things are bad.. it's just that our argument on the way to work this morning was all about allowing himself enough "time" to groom, so he can get to work on time. Today, he was seven minutes late... It was the first day he had been late!

Picture this: "I'm" making sure he's up- and he was... I hear the shower cut off, I look at the time- we're cutting it close, ok? I start yelling up the stairs reminding him of the time, asking him what he wants to eat. Finally, he comes down to eat and I frantically tell him that we need to leave in TWO minutes if he's to get to work on time! He said- "MOM, after I eat, I need to go to the bathroom, then I have to smoke a cigarette, so I don't go crazy on people at work! Chill out, every body's late once in a while!"--- I told him, "Yeah, the people who come in late once in a while are the people who never get promoted and are at risk of getting fired once in a while too!!!" -Then, I told him to go eat his Cocoa Krispies on the toilet to save time... and he did! I know that's funny, but it sure wasn't at the time!

All the way to work, I'm trying to teach him the importance of setting his clock earlier to give himself time to get ready, so that he's not rushed and can get to work on time. He actually told me that he was just going to tell everyone that my car battery was dead and we got locked out of the house and the neighbor had to come let us in, then we had to jump the car off! I said, "Oh, more lies!" Then I told him all about how lies only lead to more lies... then we went back to time management and how if he'd set his clock earlier, he wouldn't feel that he needed to come up with any lies at all! Plus, I offered him even "more" wisdom about how his Dad worked hard on his job to honor God when we lived in NC, and he was promoted to another job, then his faithfulness on that job landed him another job, which led us here! Giving your child examples of faithfulness is a great thing, but it's only great if they take it to heart and then walk in faith themselves doing their best to honor God and seek His blessing on their lives. All in all, I hope Stephan heard how faithfulness leads to blessing and slothfulness leads to nothing. The truth of the matter is: Stephan already knows all this! He's been trained...

What I realized again today is that it seems like "I" want so much more for Stephan than Stephan wants for Stephan! Right before we pulled in the parking lot, I wanted to try and change the scene a little. I didn't want him going to work aggravated- although he caused it. I let him know that I loved him and only wanted what was best for him, BUT- I reminded him that I didn't need a job, so ME getting him to work on time was not MY responsibility, it was his. I told him I hoped he would take all I said into consideration and that getting to work on time tomorrow was entirely up to him! I'm simply the Taxi! That's really the way I have got to look at it.

You just don't know how badly I want things to keep going well... I take it upon myself to try and see that it does! Thing is- "I" can't DO it! Just like Stephan, I even have to keep reminding "myself" of things I already know!

My conclusion- I'm going to have to let him do it! ALL of it! I'm going to have to let him fail and let him fall if that's what it takes for him to learn to survive on his own. If he gets fired- it will be a lesson learned! If he gets in trouble for being late- it's a lesson learned! If he spends all of his money and doesn't have enough for his tickets- it's a lesson learned! If he doesn't pay his car insurance, wrecks his car and looses all the money he's spent on his car- it's a lesson learned.

I've been praying especially for a good girl to come into Stephan's life. Someone who he will just fall head over heels for. Someone he respects so much to the degree, he'd doing anything to protect her, want to be there for her, want to be the best he can be, because he cares for her and wants her to be proud of him. Someone who would love Stephan for who he really is inside, not for where he's been. Someone who can bring out the best in him and vice versa. She's out there... somewhere : )

Today, I'm reminding myself AGAIN not to be proactive in Stephan's affairs. By stepping aside and letting the repercussions of life happen for him because of his own actions, we make a lot more progress in the long run. Real progress... This period of trial and error is where real growth and knowledge can happen. It's where Mama becomes less active, so that "Stephan" learns to be proactive!

This... is how Less Active = Proactive!!

Speed Hump!

Wednesday evening I was getting ready for church. I had to be there early because I had to sing that night, so my nerves were simmering just a little. Tis a good thing- To be nervous about something good I think! I was listening to my music, praying, and painting my face, as daddy used to call it : ) All of a sudden, Stephan came running into my bathroom screaming something about my car windshield being broken and how someone must have done it while I was showering!! I guess my brain was on praise and prayer mode and I couldn't seem to adjust myself to the situation. I was in a state of brain fog for a minute or two trying to come to the realization that someone had come into my driveway and busted my windshield out!!! He also started blurting out things like, "can you fix this? ...do you have insurance?

I began asking Stephan questions- now in frantic mode- as I made my way outside. As he showed me what he had been screaming about and began to tell me the story of how he discovered it. He said that he came outside, saw the windshield, looked for signs of a break in and walked around the house to see if he could see anyone fleeing the scene of the crime.

I stood there considering all the facts. I also considered that our car, and many other cars in our neighborhood have been broken into several times during the last five years. It was like 5:00 in the afternoon, people were fishing, nothing was taken, so why would someone just come bust my windshield and leave?

I asked Stephan if he had any enemies that may have come and done this thinking my car- was his car. Stephan said, "my car is parked out (front) and it's a Prelude. If they wanted to do this to me, they would have known I drove a Prelude, not an Infinity!" Of course, Stephan doesn't drive anything right now... but his car is parked out front.

As I investigated the big "smash" in my windshield, I looked at Stephan and told him that it looked like a basketball hit it. I said, "Were you playing basketball?" He said, "NO, I knew you would think I did it! I thought about not even telling you and just letting you find it yourself!" He said, "Are you calling the cops?" I told him of course I would if he didn't do it and that it needed to be reported! He said, "Well, you know I didn't pay those tickets yet and if they come here, they'll arrest me and I'll loose my job!" He said, " you call the cops and I'll leave, that way you can get it reported... Will the insurance pay for this?" I said, "Stephan if you did this, just be honest.." He said, "I'm leaving... I've been doing good lately- doing everything right.." I interrupted him and told him that he has to understand that he has told soooo many lies lately that we don't know what to believe. I told him that he simply has a lot of trust to earn back and my questioning him doesn't necessarily mean I'm accusing him, it just means we need to be honest with one another to begin the process of being able to trust again! Then I said, "If you didn't do it, I'll call Dad, he can call the cops- We DO have insurance... don't worry...!"

Richard came home and I drove his truck to church. Richard stayed behind to call the cops and Stephan did leave at some point. While I was at church, I admit I was a little shaken by the whole thing. I wanted to believe Stephan, I really did! But still, there was part of me that wondered why he would have lied about it. The other part of me wondered why someone else would bust my windshield out in BROAD daylight! I tried to put it all out of my mind and just focus on what was important. It was a great service!

I walked in the door when I got home and asked Richard if he called the cops, he said, no." Then he showed me a picture that he had taken with his phone that showed the print of a basketball on the hood of my car. We have had SO much pollen here, it's unbelievable! You had to be at the right angle to see it, but there it was.. a perfect, "yellow' print of a basketball. Richard and I began to discuss why he would have lied about it and we came up with two things:
One- He has really been trying to get his finances in order. He's looking forward to his first check that will hopefully pay off these two tickets and possibly.. pay for his cell phone bill. Which will mean he gets his phone back. Then he's going to work to pay Richard back a few hundred dollars he owes him, then he wants to get the insurance back on his car and pay that monthly! After he gets all this in order, he'll be on his way to whatever other goals he has in mind, but he'll be free from debt! He's got it all planned out, which is an awesome thing! I am so proud of him for working toward his goals. He even asked to work another day this week and they let him! Stephan told me that that might be his cell phone money! This is real progress in my eyes! I really feel like he came up with this cockamamie story, because he was so afraid that if he told the truth, we'd make him pay for it! I also think that "HE thought" that you have to file a police report in order to turn it in on the insurance before they will cover it, which is why he was so worried about us having insurance. You see, he's had three wrecks and the police reports have had to be turned in to the insurance company... I really think that this was what he was thinking.
Two: He HAS done really good lately. He's not been intoxicated for almost two weeks now and he is making so many baby steps. He's going in the right direction for a change!! I honestly think he was afraid of disappointing us! Not that he busted out the windshield, but that it was going to "cost" to get it replaced. He knows that we spent a lot of money on Rehab... and when things start going well- he's costing us money again! Bless his heart... I know that Stephan didn't do this on purpose. That I know for sure. He should have moved my car... but it was an accident!

Stephan came home and we didn't say anything to him. I fixed him something to eat and we all went to bed. The next day, I called the insurance company and told them my car had been attacked by a basketball. I didn't know if our insurance would cover it or not, or if it did, we'd probably owe a deductible large enough to pay for it in full! Anyway, there is not deductible and it covers it in full!! I admit, I was so glad to hear this!

That night- which was last night- Stephan came home around nine o'clock (an hour early!!) and asked about the windshield. Richard told him they were coming to replace it Tuesday. Richard also told Stephan he knew what happened. Stephan immediately chimed in and said, "What, how do you know what happened?" Richard told Stephan he was Sherlock Holmes... He said, "haven't you ever seen that movie?" Stephan squinted, then smirked... Richard invited Stephan outside for an investigation and told Stephan he could be Watson! Richard got the flashlight and told Stephan to bend down and showed Stephan this perfect indention of a basketball right on my hood...
Stephan started chattering away... "DUDE,.. I WAS JUST SHOOTING FREE THROWS! MAN, I NEVER, ..I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THE WINDSHIELD! IT JUST BOUNCED OFF AND HIT IT! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!"

For the next thirty minutes or so, Richard and Stephan talked about honesty. Stephan asked Richard if he thought it was bad luck. Richard didn't quite know what he meant by that and asked Stephan to explain. Stephan told him that things in his life were going good and now this happened, he said, "do you think it's just something like bad luck to get me messed up again?" Richard told Stephan that the only way anything can get him messed up again is if he lets it! He told Stephan that when things seem to be going well for him and one little thing like this goes wrong- Stephan lets that one little thing trip him up and he falls completely off the deep end! He told him that he has to keep on going... and keep his goals in mind... and be honest!

We've decided not to mention it ever again. I know Stephan's lied to us so much in the past and we're trying to get through it all. But I never want Stephan to feel like he can't come to us either, especially in a situation like this. God shows me grace and mercy everyday... I want to extend the same to my son. We have a long road ahead and this was a "speed hump" that slowed us down a bit, but we got over it. I hope that it's a lesson to Stephan in the days ahead that he knows he can come to us with anything.. and just be honest.

Dawn....

I just read back over my last post and wow, have things changed! All my indecisiveness has turned to hope! I had wrote about trying to help Stephan to get his finances in order and working on a plan. He has done all of that himself this week! He GOT the job at Five Guys!!! He started the very next day! Before his interview I earnestly prayed that Stephan would somehow find favor in the eyes of the manager. The lady he interviewed with said that she was going to re interview two other guys, but told Stephan that she really liked him and gave him the job on the spot!

Looking back over the whole situation- While I was sitting on a rock praying by the lake the day Five Guys left those messages on Richard's phone... I realized that they left the messages at the same time I was praying! I had also prayed that Stephan would be able to be in an environment with a few good people...that he would possibly be able to learn from one of the managers to advance himself in business management, because this is something Stephan had wanted to take a few years ago when he graduated high school.

Well, let me just share that Stephan works with 98% Hispanic guys! The two managers are from Madagascar. There are two other Caucasian people... The reason I write this is because Stephan has had some racial issues in the past. I have no idea where these ideas come from, but they were there.. On his first day, he said a negative comments about "Mexicans." I reminded him that, sure there are some mean Mexicans in this world, there are also mean black people and mean "white" people! The color of your skin doesn't determine your worth or your personality! I am proud to say that when we pulled up this morning Stephan said, "Hey, there's Moses! I love my Mexicans!" : ) I laughed! Let me also say that Stephan is the ONLY person that works at Five Guys that smokes cigarettes! The ONLY ONE! OK, is it me or do we see the hand of God all over this??

We went in to visit Stephan at work one day. Richard's favorite restaurant is Five Guys, so he's eaten there since the store opened! He's also became very acquainted with one of the managers, so when we went in, the manager put two and two together and realized Stephan was Richard's son! He smiled, was very pleased and said Stephan was doing a great job. He also joked around with Richard and told him that he was working on Stephan about that smoking! He told Richard he smoked for years and he realized how hard it was to quit, but he was talking to him. Oh my goodness, it just doesn't get any better than this!

When Stephan worked at his last job.... the manager smoked pot with all the employees back in the back while frying chicken... yes... really happened! You can't imagine how over joyed I am.

I am also happy to say that Stephan was off today, but he talked to them yesterday about working today and they let him come in! "He" did that too! He said he needed to get his tickets paid for, then begin working on paying his other stuff off. He's keeping his room clean too! Stephan is really OCD. He's never had a problem keeping his room clean, but when he's on drugs, I notice that nothing in his life is clean or orderly! He's either an all in or all out kind of guy. When he's all "in," he follows a specific regimen and wants to have order in every area of his life. While this is good... Stephan still needs to learn not to throw in the towel when one little thing goes wrong or gets out of order in his life. He has had a pattern of doing that in the past. I'm trying my best to encourage him every day. I told him how proud I was of him this morning for working today when he didn't have too. I have wondered lately- Who is this kid and what did he do with my son?

The only lumps and bumps that we have experienced is him going out with Caleb. That just makes me nervous. He does come home on time... and he is not intoxicated! Just last night, he told me he'd be home at 10, because he needed to get in the bed, since he had to work the next day! (Again, who is this guy? : ) ) Anyway, he was home at 10:01 and apologized for being one minute late! He and Caleb did go to Elevate, a church service again last Sunday night, which was awesome! Richard called Caleb's phone and heard the music in the back ground, so we know they were there... They also went to a Bible Study Monday night! Shocker!!! Caleb wanted to go. Stephan said he only went because Caleb wanted to go... but hey, it's progress! I am surprised at Caleb! Perhaps God is working in his heart. I tell you, I've been praying Caleb away and any other person that can negatively influence Stephan, but maybe, just maybe God is working on him too. I also have to realize that I can't keep Stephan from making mistakes, just like I can't make him make good choices. Plus, in reality, there really isn't anyone that can negatively influence Stephan... He has done a pretty good job in the past by making bad decisions all on his own without the influence of anyone!

I'm trying not to be so hard-nosed... We're giving him some freedoms. He still doesn't have a phone or a car, but he's doing well and "he" is doing it, because he wants too! We are just assisting and this is where we've wanted to be with him for so long! It took kicking him out endless times for him to reach this point, but we're here and I pray we stay here and things only get better. He's got a lot of trust to earn back you know?

God seems to be orchestrating so many things lately... It's amazing to watch him work! I pray that Stephan will begin to seek after Him and realize that he's been offered another chance at life. He is in the rebuilding process and it's going great! Stephan has also been researching (on his own) the harmful effects of the drugs he was taking on the human body! I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears for that matter, hearing Stephan talk about things he didn't know. He was pretty disturbed.

I have to remind myself that even in the calm, I need to be praying for Stephan now more than ever. The battle isn't over, it may have just begun. He's working hard... and I am one proud mama. I feel as if I'm sitting in a grassy meadow, breathing in the fresh morning air, watching, as the sun makes it's grand appearance upon the horizon. I begin to feel it's warmth on my face and I smile, knowing it's going to come up again tomorrow.... and that the darkness has subsided.

Help...

Today I'm just feeling sad. Have you ever felt betrayed? I feel sad and betrayed... I told myself not to get my heart involved, so I didn't. Why am I still hurt?

He called- again! This time, he had gone to a church service called Elevate and heard something there the youth minister said that plucked at his heart strings. He said he didn't want to talk about what he heard, but he had realized that he was screwing his life up, he needed a real job, needed to get off drugs... etc. Richard and I were still very reluctant to believe him! Gosh, how many times have I wrote this about him wanting a job, get off drugs, get his life right...blah blah blah...

While we had him on the phone we had both talked to him at length-again (about trust, all the lies, and everything else you can imagine.) He had been to church on his own though. Did that mean something this time? I told him that if he came home he couldn't hang out with friends, that we needed to work on getting him clean. He agreed. How many times we've been down this road. I knew we were in a huge battle ahead, but I was willing to stand by his side again and let him fight it through all the depression and mood swings. Like I said, he agreed! We sort of felt that him going to a "church service" may be another ploy to get to come home. We had our doubts he'd even been to church. We had also asked him if he'd been kicked out of where he was staying. We felt that was a possibly!! Anyway, he said that he could continue staying where he was, but he still wanted to come home. Maybe it wasn't a ploy...

After Richard and I got finished talking to a very sincere person for over an hour we decided to talk about it alone. There was this, "but what if he was actually telling the truth this time" conversation going on between us!! It was a agonizing decision that took over an hour to make, but we decided that we'd give it a try.

Monday, he went with Richard to work and filled out a chart. We decided he didn't need to be home with me. This chart was kind of a plan for his life in the upcoming months. A plan for each day and a plan for each week- just things he wants to accomplish. He finished it at Richard's desk.

Over the next few days, he had been working his plan. He was exercising every day! I was seeing progress in small ways! He and Richard surprised me with dinner one night as well! He hadn't talked to anyone on the phone either! That surprised me. Then Tuesday came and he left on foot for a few hours. He said he went up to the cave and went swimming in the lake alone. I was upset somewhat, but we decided that since his plan looked wonderful- and it did- that we'd overlook it. After all, he was alone. Wednesday- I saw Caleb drive by as I checked the mailbox. Stephan was supposed to be putting in job applications on line. He put one in at Staples Tuesday, so he was going to put in a few more today. I went back in and he was no where to be found!

I have been training for a 5K you know, so I decided to go for a walk, not a run, I am in between days and my knees were hurting. I walked around the lake and Stephan, Caleb and another boy were swimming! I sat on a rock and prayed that Stephan's and Caleb's friendship would cease to exist. I prayed that Stephan would get a job.. that he would be working with at least a few good people who would be a good example to Stephan spiritually and on the job. I prayed for a job where Stephan could learn skills from someone that might help him in his future, or something that might inspire him.

I sat there fuming... praying... and fuming some more, then I walked home. Going swimming is not a bad thing at all. It's just the fact that we told him no friends, you know? Especially these friends! Finally Richard called shortly after I walked in and said that Five Guys had called him. He said he didn't know WHY Five Guys would be calling him, so I suggested he call and find out! He did... and they are getting ready to hire someone in two weeks and wanted Stephan to come in for an interview! Well, IMAGINE THAT? It's been like 8 months ago when Stephan submitted and application! I bet they left the message right as I was praying!

Stephan didn't come home and we didn't know if we were gonna let him anyway, but he called around 9:00 last night. He was SOOO excited to learn about the job! He was jumping up and down! He's planning on going in for the interview today and stopped by to get some clothes after he called. He was also high when we talked to him, which pretty much helped us with the decision of not letting him come home last night!.

My heart wants him to get this job, which will help him in many areas- financially and keeping him occupied and away from drugs. I want to help him get well. I just have to remind myself that I can't get him well... that's up to him.

I'm just so torn... What if this is the beginning of something new? Should we let him stay until he gets on his feet now that he does have a job? Gracious?

Should we just be so hard-nosed and let him fend for himself and get to work the best way he can (if he gets the job)? Note: A big issue right now is that we don't let him drive his car because of his safety and the safety of others on the road.. plus, his insurance just expired. He couldn't drive it anyway even if he could drive! His insurance (because of prior accidents) is like $1300.00 every 6 months. When he has a car and insurance "He" pays it! I had told him a few weeks ago that I'd drive him to work if he got a job until he earned our trust back. This way, he could work some and get away from friends... start saving money and be on the road to getting his car back! He would be giving me money for gas though! Not a totally free ride! I told him I'd show him how to manage his money, and told him he could call and get his payments for his insurance on a monthly plan. That just seems like a logical plan to get up on his feet. I want to assist.. not do it for him!

I just don't know what to do today. I am finding myself in a state of indecisiveness! I want to help, but not enable. I feel like this situation is another "here we go again" scenario! But, Maybe not.... Maybe I just want this too much. Problem is: He should want it not me... and he does want the job! Today is just a struggle.

Any help would be appreciated...

"No Show"

Richard told Stephan to meet him for lunch on Thursday at 11:45 Wednesday night when he spoke to him about coming home. Stephan never called and never came. He must not have wanted to come home too bad. It's Friday night right now and I sit here praying he's ok having no idea where he is. I suspect he's still with Caleb, but don't know for sure.

I watched a movie today called, Augusta Gone. It was like watching a movie of my own life with Stephan since he started using drugs. I could totally relate to the mother in this movie! Her daughter was in a wilderness camp twice and nothing seemed to work until she was on the streets all alone with herself. In the end.. Augusta had to make her own choices, thankfully she made the right ones - finally!

I didn't mention it was a true story...

I am disappointed and hurt today...

Asking For Wisdom...

Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday night and I've talked to him almost everyday. I think I mentioned that he had worked in some one's yard, which gave him a little money. I tried to be excited and proud of him over the phone- although my heart is hurting as I desperately cry out to the Lord to save him from this pit he's in.

I think about things from his perspective sometimes and try to imagine where he is. I imagine myself having no car, because my parents won't let me drive it. I would think about the three car accidents I've already been in- and because of my current drug and alcohol use and safety for me and others is the reasons behind why my parents won't let me drive it. Would I really understand that as a teen? Maybe not... Would I care that they care about me so much? Probably so...

I imagine myself having no cell phone, because my parents say that now that I'm 19 I need to pay 15.00 a month to have it. I don't have a job!! How do they expect me to do that? Would I think my parents were being too hard on me? Maybe...
Would I think they were trying to push me to take responsibility for my own life? Definitely! Would I like it? Probably not... Would I understand all that as a teen? At 19 years of age... Probably would, but I still wouldn't like it!

I imagine being on drugs and thinking I couldn't live without them. It's how I cope! I use drugs when I'm depressed to get me through the day and I use drugs to celebrate when good things come my way! I also imagine being told you couldn't live in your home with no car and no phone. I can imagine it's a lonely feeling.

I hate that my son feels this way. It breaks my heart... I remind myself that I didn't cause his current situation and I can't cure it! I don't care what kind of sin "anyone" is wrapped up in. The "root" to the whole problem is one's relationship with God! I am convinced of that. It's the "root" to all MY problems! I'd hate to think of where I'd be today if it weren't for the Lord Jesus Christ! Well, to be honest, I'd be a single mother at the age of 19, because Richard and I would have divorced! Stephan would not have even existed! Because I was saved when I was 14, I really believe God had his hand on me to get me through one of the darkest times in my life! God answered my prayers you see, and Richard met Jesus when he was 23!! I rededicated my life to Him at that time -at the age of 21. Richard and I started walking with the Lord and He rebuilt our marriage and kept on building! He hasn't stopped!

I believe that God had a hand on our lives to allow our marriage to last long enough to bring Stephan into this world for lots of reasons! I've told Stephan many times that God has plans for his life! When Stephan was about 10, Richard went to this shoe store down town to have the soles of his shoes fixed. Working in this shoe store was one Christian, black man. He was the owner and the only employee. He and Richard began to talk and realized they had a kindred spirit, the Holy Spirit. He and Richard had "church" for a little while. They talked about God and all His goodness. Then, the man saw Stephan and put his hand upon his little, blond head and said that he was special. He said, "there's just something about this boy... he's special." He said that God told him that!

Stephan is special. "Stephan" is the only one who doesn't realize it yet. He sees himself as a screw up! Yes, he's said that to me on several occasions... I read something this morning that made me smile. I'll share it: It's from David Jeremiah-

("Some lessons can only be learned in failure, and a day is never lost -if a lesson is learned.")

This is so true! If we never try, we can never fail and if we never fail, we will never change... If we never try in the first place, we'll never be successful at anything! - I made that one up myself! : )

Stephan actually called "us" last night! It's been one week to the day... He's been living with Caleb and his parents. He told me he wanted to come home. When he first said this, I just sighed! I asked him if Caleb's parents were kicking him out. He said, "no, it's all Gucci here! I just wanna get things right! I want to find a job and all that." I reminded him of the rules here which included- no Caleb, no other friends, NO drugs! I continued... I told him that I believed he was bored and tired of living there with Caleb's family. I told him I really felt like he just wanted to come home, take a shower, sleep in his own bed, wear his own clothes... and in a few days, he'd be bored here, decided he couldn't follow the rules again and take off!!

He assured me that I was wrong! I also told him that because of being stolen from, his dad and I couldn't live in our own home and have any trust in him at all! I said, "How do you think that makes us feel?" "I can't hang my purse in the laundry room, you steal money and my debit card!. I can't leave you here by yourself. I can't leave without taking you with me! We just can't trust you!" He told me he was sorry... He said he wanted to get rid of the drugs, the friends, and was willing to not even hang out with Caleb! He said he wanted me to drive him to put in applications until he found a job! At that point in our conversation I told him what he said to me only a week ago. He said that he wanted to live with us long enough to get a job so he could move out and continue doing what he wanted to do. I asked him if "what he wanted" included drugs! I asked him how things like this change in one week? He said, "they just did! I'm tired of this mess and I want to make things right."
How do you ever know if this is the turning point? I mean, how do you know? I felt as if I just got back on the roller coaster again, or was possibly getting ready too.

I finally just let him talk to Richard, but before I handed him the phone I told Richard what we'd talked about. Stephan was wanting to come home right then. It was 8:30.. I told Richard that I just didn't trust this or him, but whatever we do we don't need to decide anything tonight. Richard talked to him for about a half hour. Richard reiterated everything I just said to him all over again ..and then some. Richard agreed to have lunch with Stephan the next day, (which is today.) I think Stephan was surprised that we didn't let him come home right away.. and that's good! I don't really think he expected it either. I know that sounds contradictory... but it's true in a weird kind of way. I think, by the way he sounded that there was a little more fear in his voice and a little more of him feels threatened by us not letting him come home...maybe, he knows how to play us too. I "think" he is almost to the point he knows somethings gotta change. I said- almost! My fear is that these feelings of "almost" wanting to change will result in this vicious cycle repeating itself all over again! That's what I want to prevent!

After they hung up, Richard and I talked about how we did NOT want to enable him, because enabling him only prolongs him really taking responsibility for his own life! As long as we make things easy for him, he has no reason to change! We want him safe, but we don't want to prolong his venture to recovery. We can provide a great place for him to live if he would abide by the rules.

Richard told me that he felt like I wanted Stephan to come crying and groveling back to us begging for us to take him back. I told him, yes, part of me did! That way I know he's serious! I said, "He just didn't seem "groveley" enough!" Richard reminded me that I don't need to let that part of the way I feel filter into the way I speak to him. I agreed... I told Richard that it's just hard. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm tired of being disrespected, used and abused! He said he understood, he felt the same way, but Stephan still needs to know he's loved -and we still don't have to let him come home! I agreed... That is true! So true....

Richard knows and I know that I do love that beautiful, blond boy of mine. Oh, he melts my heart. I just want him whole again. I want my boy back! I want my Stephan back...

Richard told me that he had prayed that Stephan would call him yesterday and he did! Like I said, it's the first time he's called in a week.

Part of me wants to believe he's being real, part of me doesn't think one week has been long enough at all. Oh Lord, please show us what in the world to do!

I packed Richard's lunch today and I packed some for Stephan... I hope Stephan shows up to eat with him! They are supposed to meet at 11:45 today. Richard did say that if he doesn't show- he's ain't coming back! And... it's according to how things go today that will determine everything!

God be with us... I am so torn. Give Richard wisdom that he needs today... Give Stephan a reason to want to turn things around. Keep him safe in the mean time.

Spiritual Disciplines...

Stephan is staying with a friend- for now! I don't know how much longer that will last, but perhaps it will cause him to start thinking about things. I've talked to him almost everyday and he did yard work the last two days. He's earned a little money at least!

He told me that he went to court last Thursday over the three tickets, but he lied! He didn't go. Now, since he's a "no show," I suppose there's a warrant out for his arrest for Failure To Appear! It's a tangled web he's weaving for himself.

In the mean time, Richard has started teaching a class at church. It's been good that he's been able to focus on preparing for that. He's teaching Spiritual Disciplines. So far, the introduction has been awesome!

A little about the class: It's a class that will guide you through a carefully selected array of disciplines including:
Scripture reading, prayer, worship, scripture meditation, evangelism, serving, stewardship, Scripture application, fasting, silence and solitude, journaling and learning…

Richard will be illustrating why these disciplines are important, showing how each one will help you grow in godliness, and offering practical suggestions for cultivating each of them!

It's going to be a truly wonderful experience of throwing out “life-as-usual” and taking up new paths where God can transform our lives from the inside out!

As for me- some simple things I've been trying to do in my life in order to try and live a more "spiritually disciplined" life is that I've been working for three weeks now cleaning out every crook and cranny of my ENTIRE house! I'm done!!! If I had two of something, I gave one away.. If I didn't use it, I gave it away. I gave some things to my friends who are adopting a child and are having a benefit yard sale soon. I took some clothes to the consignment store, so I could take the money I earn to buy new things I may need. I'm just tired of "stuff!" I want my heart to be on Heaven not on things of this earth. I am seeking a simple life characterized by being satisfied with what I need rather than what I want -and trying to do things here that just ...matter!

Richard and I also went on a "date" last Friday night! Woo Hoo! We've also been doing Financial Peace through Dave Ramsey, so in order to go on a date and still be "frugal," we went to Zen Berry and had frozen yogurt with a buy one get one free coupon that Richard got!! We haven't been out to eat in almost a month now : )
I'm also trying to do better at planning meals for us and have been packing Richard's lunch everyday. You know, I always make a menu and a list when I go grocery shopping, but as we've been dealing with SO much stuff, there have been days that I've just been completely depressed and haven't felt like cooking. I'd call Richard and tell him to just pick something up... People, I'm trying to pick myself up off the ground! I've got to take care of myself, my husband and my house!

On top of all this, in order to live a more physically disciplined life, I've began training for a 5K! ---- Well, actually, in all honesty- I've been "training" for the TRAINING! My first official training day with my group starts on the 12th! I can't get out there and look bad in front of all my friends now can I? I know, I'm bad... I can't believe I'm even doing this! It's something I've always wanted to do, but I've never been a runner, so it's pretty intimidating... Wish me luck! Oh, and make a wish that I might loose 10 pounds by the end of all this! : )

Blessings to you all!

More Apologies...

After Stephan stole his pills and ran off, he didn't come home- naturally! Well, he called me last night to apologize! Do you know how many times I've heard these apologies? Goodness, I love him... I do... It was so good to talk to him and hear his voice. He was actually sober! That was nice.

I was in Lowes Hardware when he called to apologize. What this apology meant was: (Will you let me come home, shower, change clothes and eat?)

We talked for about an hour. He apologized over and over.... He also had me on speaker phone so Caleb could hear, so I let them both have a little piece of my mind and my heart. I told Stephan how he hurt me (again). I reminded him of his actions (again.) I let him know that I believe in him, I love him and I know that if he gets out of this drug infested world he lives in his life will begin to come together! I told him I'd tried to get him to let me help him do that and also reminded him of how he won't let me!

Like I said, he wanted to come home to shower, get fresh clothes and eat, because he and Caleb were working in some one's yard the next day. I told him he could come home to pick up his clothes! He figured out that I was in town while we were talking and he begged me to tell him where I was. I told him that I figured if I told him where I was that Caleb would drop him off there, leaving me with no choice but to bring him home! I told him I wasn't falling for that one! Then he wanted me to at least meet them and buy him and Caleb a chicken sandwich! I wouldn't... That one was a little hard, I admit. Trying to hold my ground, I told him that Burger King and Hardees throw perfectly good food out all the time and that he should go talk to them to see if he could get any of it! If you think that sounded harsh, you need to read my last post! I'm sure he sold all those pills he stole from me!

They finally made arrangements for Caleb's grandmother to buy them food- and she did! She also bought Caleb a carton of cigarettes for his birthday- she's sweet like that!

I talked to Stephan and Caleb both about getting things together and they assured me they were working on it! I hope they are... Letting Stephan pick himself up and be responsible for himself right now is the only thing that is going to help him. As long as our home has a revolving door on it, he will not get any better. Sometimes I feel like it is- What an emotional train ride we are on.

I told Stephan that his dad and I were meeting in town for a date night and that I'd call him when I got home and I did. It was 8:00... He said that "we were gone too long" and he was just going to wear some of Caleb's clothes tomorrow. I told him that was fan-tas-tic!!

Lord, protect my son. I hate that things have to be this way. My heart feels as if it is being ripped from my chest! I'm so thankful that I was able to talk to Stephan and let him know he's loved... He also knows that our home, our love and our help is available to him on our terms. Lord, I pray that he will begin to see how much he needs You and how desperately he needs help.

Surgery and Tough Decisions...

Stephan's surgery to have the hardware removed from his jaw was this morning at
7:45. Yesterday was "court" for his broken jaw, so he was home with me all day. Thursday- he has court again for three tickets he got in one night driving Caleb's car!!! Yes, you heard me right, three tickets! What a week!!!!!

We got up bright and early this morning and left. We didn't talk much all the way to the Oral Surgeons Office. I guess we were both still in the process of waking up! I did have the radio tuned to my favorite Christian radio station. I was hoping to pour some kind of goodness into him today! He just sat and listened...

The surgery went great! Our doctor is also aware of Stephan's drug issues. Stephan has been put under anesthesia twice now. Once to have the wires put on and today to have everything taken off. Dr. D was very concerned about him afterward. He pulled me off to the side with his nurse and told me that he had to use eight times the amount of drug to get Stephan under than what may kill a normal person! OH, gosh, I suddenly felt nauseous. Dr. D is a former military guy, so he doesn't cut you any slack. He just says it like it is! He told me that Stephan had also mentioned a drug called Ketamine while he was coming too. He asked Dr. D if he used this particular drug to put him under. Dr. D was astounded that he knew about Ketamine and asked Stephan if he'd used it. Stephan told him he had- about three times. Dr. D told me while Stephan was in recovery that this drug is usually used in Veterinary medicine and is other wise known as a horse tranquilizer! He also said that it is used with another drug- a sedative and when not used with the sedative it can cause a rapid rise in blood pressure and basically, you stroke or can have a heart attack and die! I guess you can guess how horrified I felt at that point just imagining all this!

Dr. D knew about Stephan's drug use before his first surgery. We had discussed that with him prior to it, because of our concerns of having him put under anesthesia. Now, we are on surgery #2! Dr. D, his nurse and I discussed Stephan's extensive drug use (outside our home) and the fact that he'd been to Rehab and how it was a waste of time! I told Dr. D that keeping Stephan "at" home was basically impossible! I guess in the back of my mind I feel like I have to explain Stephan being away from our home at times... I feel like people think that he shouldn't be allowed to spend time away from us under the circumstances! I totally agree!!! BUT- When you have a 19 year old who walks out of your house on foot and your husband is chasing him up the road either on foot or in his car and your son will NOT get in your vehicle or be coaxed back home, what do you do? You let him go... Now, if he's drunk and hitting road signs with his golf club, you call the police! Been there.. done that!

Dr. D and the nurse both understood our situation. Dr. D has had a child in this same situation and the nurse has had a brother who was a addict. It was comforting having someone listen for a change... I also told Dr. D that Stephan was living with us for now, but we were considering other options now that this surgery is over. I also told him that he had been asked to leave our home on two other previous occasions, letting him know that we weren't above kicking him out if we thought it could help him! I told Dr. D that we were Christians and that Stephan has had a foundation built beneath him. I told him that Stephan has a wonderful father and that Stephan has everything he needs to fall back on and to be successful in this world. He agreed...

Dr. D talked about Stephan driving and meeting up with friends he doesn't need to be with. I immediately chimed in and told him that Stephan "has" a car... but it's been in our garage for almost 6 months. I told him he "has" insurance on it (that he pays) and it's just sitting there! I explained that we told Stephan to suspend it, so that he isn't paying for insurance he isn't using. Stephan didn't call... so, come April, he will have wasted 1300.00! Dr. D raised his eyebrows and smiled... He said, "you guys are pretty hard core, that's good!" I said, "well, we do our best to love him, but also try not to enable!" He said it sounds like you guys are doing all the right things...

As I continued talking to Dr. D about Stephan living with us and how I felt about him not being allowed to live here. I told him I was fearful for Stephan's life. I teared up at that point and just plainly told him I didn't want my son to die. He said he completely understood and that it was such a hard decision to make... you feel like you are making a gamble with some one's life trying to help them get well. Dr. D told me that he did make the decision to ask his daughter to leave and that she had to eat out of trash cans a couple of times! He also said "that's what woke her up!" She "realized" she was eating out of a TRASH CAN and that life didn't have to be this way!

Dr. D told me that there weren't many people like me and my husband. That was very humbling to hear, but it made me feel like I was on the right track of some sorts! He said he sees people 39-55 years old coming in his office for oral surgery day in and day out who are addicts! He said these people still live with their mother, they have no jobs!!! He said their mother sits there stroking their poor little heads! He said, "what they really need is for someone to kick their ASS!"
(Sorry for the cuss word- just quoting!)

He told me that Stephan would probably begin lying to me within the hour, begging for his pain meds. He told me that he wouldn't need one for at least an hour and a half. I contemplated not even having the prescription filled! Dr. D only gave him 14 hydrocodone's, which made me feel better, but told me Stephan could eat these like M&M's. He also told me not to let him go to sleep and to make sure he didn't do any other "drug" besides what he prescribed for 5 hours because his risk of death at that point would be very high! I told Dr. D that (as far as I knew, there weren't any "drugs" at our home!)

I know that Ibuprofen will not take surgery pain away... and I don't want anyone to suffer! I made a decision to have it filled, but to keep the bottle "on me" at all times! We got Stephan in the car. Dr. D said that he wanted to watch Stephan walk. He said he shouldn't be able to walk to the car through the waiting area with all that he pumped into him- but guess what? Stephan walked through the waiting area! This just lets me know that my son is in really, really big trouble. His tolerance for narcotics is so high. I just can't seem to stomach all this... I love my son so much, but feel as if my hands are tied. Truth is, they are and it's just not fair.

We got in the car and he mentioned pain meds! Dr. D was wrong... is wasn't within the hour- it was before we got out of the parking lot! I did tell Stephan exactly what Dr. D said about "other" drugs too! I try to put fear into him thinking it might help, but it hasn't in the past! I've warned him verbally and I've even printed things for him to read... trying my best to educate him the risks that doing drugs has on his life!

All of a sudden, Stephan said, "where is that paper (prescription)?" I asked him what he wanted with it. He said "it's my pain meds!" I told Stephan that holding the paper wouldn't make him feel any better! He said, "I want it!" I said, "What are you going to do, eat it? I really don't think that will help!!" -Then I told him to shut up....! Something every loving mother should say to their child right after surgery, right? Gosh...

I prayed all the way home... I feel weary... Another thing I didn't mention that is adding to my weariness is: Two to three days before the surgery- when Stephan wasn't home- I was sitting in a chair eating my lunch. All of a sudden, this weird looking bird flew into the living room window. It just kept pecking and flying around the window as if it were trying to get in the house. I even have it on video. It attacked my window for 5 hours! I don't know why, but when all this was going on, fear came upon me. I felt the urgent need to pray for Stephan!!! I did... I prayed for his life! I prayed that God would protect him and overshadow him. I asked God to spare his life and that Stephan would begin desiring help. I asked God to let him live. I asked God to use Stephan's circumstances for His glory one day. After I finished praying, I called Caleb's phone and Stephan answered. You don't know how wonderful it was to hear his voice. He was ok...

I called Richard at work for some reason and while I had him on the phone, I told him about this bird, the feelings I had and talking to Stephan. He said, "YOUR KIDDING?" I was fearfully, curious about such a questionable response from Richard! I said, "NO, why?" He told me that a crow had been doing the same exact thing to the window where he works!!! I was blown away! My sense of fear only intensified for some reason. Maybe it was because it was a crow... an ugly black crow! I don't know if God is trying to tell us something or what. We both have this unsettling feeling and we don't know why... I can't believe this happened to both of us at the same time. My bird has been at it now for three days. The crow is now gone from Richard's plant, thank God. Richard and I both prayed for Stephan last night... then I finally fell asleep.

Back to surgery day- When I arrived back into the town we live in, I got Stephan's pills filled, got him something to eat, then found out that my other son was very sick! Stephan was awake, alert and talking to me, so I decided to stop by and get my son, Brandon and bring him home with me too. While we were at Brandon's waiting for him to shower, I realized we were about two hours passed the surgery and Stephan kept begging for a pill, so I finally gave him one. I figured he was probably legitimately in pain by now. I kept my purse with me- in which Stephan even said something about that. He said, "What do you think I'll do, steal my pills?" I thought- yeah, you probably would.. but I didn't say it. He acted like he chewed it up only to discover 15 minutes later, he never took it! I still don't know why he did this, showed it to me, then really chewed it up right in front of me!

I got both my boys home, made Brandon something to eat then Stephan starts acting like he's five years old. He was dancing, hopping, laughing, running through the house... aggravating both of us to death with his actions and things he was saying! He kept asking me for spare change to get him some cigarettes. I told him I wouldn't contribute to anything that could bring harm to him! He said that he would buy them, and that I just needed to give him 5 dollars! I reminded him that I was NOT giving him 5 dollars and that I was NOT going to drive him to buy cigarettes! He said Caleb was going to bring him some cigarettes! I told him I couldn't stop Caleb from bringing him some, but I told him if Caleb does, Caleb can leave fast as he got here! I also told Stephan if he chose to leave with Caleb not to come back home! Stephan acted a little intimidated at that comment, because I really think he wants to live here- just on his terms and that ain't gonna fly!

*I have been listening in on Stephan and Caleb's phone conversations...
(Nosy Mom!- Hey, I pay the bill!) This was yesterday's cigarette tantrum! I over heard Caleb telling Stephan he only had five dollars and he was in a dilemma. You see, he needed gas -and he needed cigarettes! He couldn't figure out which to buy- cause it takes gas to go buy the cigarettes! Stephan came up with the brilliant plan that Caleb could go buy cigarettes, come to our house, give him half of the cigarettes in exchange for the gas that is in our gas cans in our garage!
--Um, Stephan didn't buy that gas!--
Caleb thought that was a brilliant plan as well! Stephan told him he was going to take a shower and by that time Caleb would be here. As soon as I heard the shower cut on I ran into the garage, got all four of our cans and hid them on the other side of the house between our air conditioner units! When Stephan was finished showering, he came down, went into the garage and began searching for gas cans he would never find. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for cigarettes! I said, "In the garage?" Oh, the next few minutes was one lie after another... He even looked for "cigarettes" in our out building- which I am buying a pad lock for today!! I hate to say- No, I'm happy to say that Caleb and Stephan were both greatly disappointed that day! My thoughts- Get a JOB!

Ok, back to surgery day: As I said, I was not giving in to Stephan's cigarette tantrum today either, so he went outside and found old cigarette butts, got the (what little was left) of tobacco in them and rolled all that tobacco into one cigarette and smoked it. These old cigarettes butts were in a plastic container with a lid. I do not like him smoking.. but I will NOT allow butts in my yard and I will NOT allow smoking in my house! So.. he puts them out in a container outside. Cigarettes are really the least of our problems too, you know?

When he finally got a little nicotine fix, he began wanting another pain pill. Oh, he was relentless! I told him he could have another one in three hours as they are to be taken every four. I had them in my jacket pocket and I believe somehow he figured it out. I just can't begin to make you understand his actions. He was so childish and would not stop talking and acting silly- even for a minute. I was almost ready to call Richard at work! It was that bad. He's been that way before, but only a few times. The other episodes usually involved anger- hitting, throwing and breaking things! I didn't know if this was surgery related (coming off those drugs) or what! Well, I was standing at the counter making tea and opening the package of tea bags. In a split second, Stephan grabbed the bottle of pills out of my pocket before I could even blink! He laughed, ran out the door shaking the bottle of pills like he had just won the lottery and ran down the street until he was out of sight. I couldn't believe he did that to me. Well, I can and I can't. It's a mixture of emotions, I guess. Nothing makes sense when you're dealing with an addict. NOTHING!

I felt used and abused once again. I felt hurt once again. Such familiar feelings. I went outside and watched for Caleb to circle around the lake in our neighborhood. He circled twice as if he couldn't find Stephan.. I heard him blow his horn, so he must have seen him. I assume Stephan got into his car that time, because I watched them leave.
I suddenly remembered telling Stephan earlier, that if he left with Caleb he wasn't coming home...
I even remember thinking before I said it too. I meant it...

I also think that Stephan took a gold bracelet of mine. He said something under his breath a few days ago about pawning a gold necklace, but I don't have any gold necklaces, so I didn't think much about it. Richard bought me a gold bracelet the day I graduated high school... and I checked last night - and it's gone. I can't imagine I put it somewhere else. Stephan also stole my wedding band (that Richard bought me on our 10th anniversary) I don't wear it anymore because of my new one he bought me on our 20th.. but it was still precious! I even went to the attic last night to look in my treasure box to see if I put the bracelet in there. It wasn't there... It makes me sick to think he would take it. But.. he probably did.

I live in (my) house and when my son is here I have to hide my purse and my keys. I have to lock my car, keep him out of my bedroom and sleep with one eye open. We will find him crawling around in our closets in the dark at 3am if we don't! I have to make sure my security alarm is set when I leave my house, not so much worried about intruders, but my son breaking in. I occasionally go around making sure all the windows are locked just incase... I can't leave my son at home while I run to the store. I can't give my son money and let him run to the store for me! I constantly check to make sure my debit card, credit card and checks are all in place and no cash is missing just incase he finds my purse. I'm running out of hiding places...

I can't go into any store and not worry that my son is going to steal something while we're in there. He, Caleb and Tyler steal on a daily basis. It's become a way of life. I don't even like taking him with me when I have to go somewhere anymore for all the stares I get! I know their watching him. I can't blame them... I know they are wondering what kind of mother I am. It's human nature I guess... Until you've been in this situation, you just can't understand...

It's so sad to find comfort in him not being here... I don't find comfort with him being out on the streets either.... There is just no comfort to be found.

I am afraid that the decision has been made. I fear for his life, but until he hits rock bottom he won't be able to look up. I pray to God that He spares his life till he reaches the point to where he's had enough. Stephan knows where to turn for love and support. But it will be on our terms... not his.

Court Date

Well, court went fine as court can go. The guy is not in jail. I expected him to come out in a tan jumpsuit like two others I saw, but he didn't. I am guessing someone bailed him out. We did exchange a few stares... his were angry stares, like why are you doing this to me? I couldn't help but "not" feel sorry for him. His temper cost us a couple thousand dollars, you know, -plus Stephan was a victim in this case. (The guy thought Stephan was someone else!!!) I guess he needs to make certain who shoots him the birdie from now on. Yes, he broke Stephan's jaw because he thought Stephan shot him a bird! Maybe he won't break anyone elses jaw from now on!!

When we walked out, he walked to his car. Even though I don't feel sorry for him, there's this motherly part of me that does... I really hate all this for him. I hate what he did to my son and I hate having to sue him... I just hate it all the way around. I really hope that this is a turning point for this young man. I also hope that my own son thinks twice before getting into a brawl with anyone and thinks about taking a swing- unless it's self defense! Stephan did try to defend himself, but this guy tore into him and this guy will have to pay for being really careless...

Our trial date in in May....