Asking For Wisdom...

Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday night and I've talked to him almost everyday. I think I mentioned that he had worked in some one's yard, which gave him a little money. I tried to be excited and proud of him over the phone- although my heart is hurting as I desperately cry out to the Lord to save him from this pit he's in.

I think about things from his perspective sometimes and try to imagine where he is. I imagine myself having no car, because my parents won't let me drive it. I would think about the three car accidents I've already been in- and because of my current drug and alcohol use and safety for me and others is the reasons behind why my parents won't let me drive it. Would I really understand that as a teen? Maybe not... Would I care that they care about me so much? Probably so...

I imagine myself having no cell phone, because my parents say that now that I'm 19 I need to pay 15.00 a month to have it. I don't have a job!! How do they expect me to do that? Would I think my parents were being too hard on me? Maybe...
Would I think they were trying to push me to take responsibility for my own life? Definitely! Would I like it? Probably not... Would I understand all that as a teen? At 19 years of age... Probably would, but I still wouldn't like it!

I imagine being on drugs and thinking I couldn't live without them. It's how I cope! I use drugs when I'm depressed to get me through the day and I use drugs to celebrate when good things come my way! I also imagine being told you couldn't live in your home with no car and no phone. I can imagine it's a lonely feeling.

I hate that my son feels this way. It breaks my heart... I remind myself that I didn't cause his current situation and I can't cure it! I don't care what kind of sin "anyone" is wrapped up in. The "root" to the whole problem is one's relationship with God! I am convinced of that. It's the "root" to all MY problems! I'd hate to think of where I'd be today if it weren't for the Lord Jesus Christ! Well, to be honest, I'd be a single mother at the age of 19, because Richard and I would have divorced! Stephan would not have even existed! Because I was saved when I was 14, I really believe God had his hand on me to get me through one of the darkest times in my life! God answered my prayers you see, and Richard met Jesus when he was 23!! I rededicated my life to Him at that time -at the age of 21. Richard and I started walking with the Lord and He rebuilt our marriage and kept on building! He hasn't stopped!

I believe that God had a hand on our lives to allow our marriage to last long enough to bring Stephan into this world for lots of reasons! I've told Stephan many times that God has plans for his life! When Stephan was about 10, Richard went to this shoe store down town to have the soles of his shoes fixed. Working in this shoe store was one Christian, black man. He was the owner and the only employee. He and Richard began to talk and realized they had a kindred spirit, the Holy Spirit. He and Richard had "church" for a little while. They talked about God and all His goodness. Then, the man saw Stephan and put his hand upon his little, blond head and said that he was special. He said, "there's just something about this boy... he's special." He said that God told him that!

Stephan is special. "Stephan" is the only one who doesn't realize it yet. He sees himself as a screw up! Yes, he's said that to me on several occasions... I read something this morning that made me smile. I'll share it: It's from David Jeremiah-

("Some lessons can only be learned in failure, and a day is never lost -if a lesson is learned.")

This is so true! If we never try, we can never fail and if we never fail, we will never change... If we never try in the first place, we'll never be successful at anything! - I made that one up myself! : )

Stephan actually called "us" last night! It's been one week to the day... He's been living with Caleb and his parents. He told me he wanted to come home. When he first said this, I just sighed! I asked him if Caleb's parents were kicking him out. He said, "no, it's all Gucci here! I just wanna get things right! I want to find a job and all that." I reminded him of the rules here which included- no Caleb, no other friends, NO drugs! I continued... I told him that I believed he was bored and tired of living there with Caleb's family. I told him I really felt like he just wanted to come home, take a shower, sleep in his own bed, wear his own clothes... and in a few days, he'd be bored here, decided he couldn't follow the rules again and take off!!

He assured me that I was wrong! I also told him that because of being stolen from, his dad and I couldn't live in our own home and have any trust in him at all! I said, "How do you think that makes us feel?" "I can't hang my purse in the laundry room, you steal money and my debit card!. I can't leave you here by yourself. I can't leave without taking you with me! We just can't trust you!" He told me he was sorry... He said he wanted to get rid of the drugs, the friends, and was willing to not even hang out with Caleb! He said he wanted me to drive him to put in applications until he found a job! At that point in our conversation I told him what he said to me only a week ago. He said that he wanted to live with us long enough to get a job so he could move out and continue doing what he wanted to do. I asked him if "what he wanted" included drugs! I asked him how things like this change in one week? He said, "they just did! I'm tired of this mess and I want to make things right."
How do you ever know if this is the turning point? I mean, how do you know? I felt as if I just got back on the roller coaster again, or was possibly getting ready too.

I finally just let him talk to Richard, but before I handed him the phone I told Richard what we'd talked about. Stephan was wanting to come home right then. It was 8:30.. I told Richard that I just didn't trust this or him, but whatever we do we don't need to decide anything tonight. Richard talked to him for about a half hour. Richard reiterated everything I just said to him all over again ..and then some. Richard agreed to have lunch with Stephan the next day, (which is today.) I think Stephan was surprised that we didn't let him come home right away.. and that's good! I don't really think he expected it either. I know that sounds contradictory... but it's true in a weird kind of way. I think, by the way he sounded that there was a little more fear in his voice and a little more of him feels threatened by us not letting him come home...maybe, he knows how to play us too. I "think" he is almost to the point he knows somethings gotta change. I said- almost! My fear is that these feelings of "almost" wanting to change will result in this vicious cycle repeating itself all over again! That's what I want to prevent!

After they hung up, Richard and I talked about how we did NOT want to enable him, because enabling him only prolongs him really taking responsibility for his own life! As long as we make things easy for him, he has no reason to change! We want him safe, but we don't want to prolong his venture to recovery. We can provide a great place for him to live if he would abide by the rules.

Richard told me that he felt like I wanted Stephan to come crying and groveling back to us begging for us to take him back. I told him, yes, part of me did! That way I know he's serious! I said, "He just didn't seem "groveley" enough!" Richard reminded me that I don't need to let that part of the way I feel filter into the way I speak to him. I agreed... I told Richard that it's just hard. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm tired of being disrespected, used and abused! He said he understood, he felt the same way, but Stephan still needs to know he's loved -and we still don't have to let him come home! I agreed... That is true! So true....

Richard knows and I know that I do love that beautiful, blond boy of mine. Oh, he melts my heart. I just want him whole again. I want my boy back! I want my Stephan back...

Richard told me that he had prayed that Stephan would call him yesterday and he did! Like I said, it's the first time he's called in a week.

Part of me wants to believe he's being real, part of me doesn't think one week has been long enough at all. Oh Lord, please show us what in the world to do!

I packed Richard's lunch today and I packed some for Stephan... I hope Stephan shows up to eat with him! They are supposed to meet at 11:45 today. Richard did say that if he doesn't show- he's ain't coming back! And... it's according to how things go today that will determine everything!

God be with us... I am so torn. Give Richard wisdom that he needs today... Give Stephan a reason to want to turn things around. Keep him safe in the mean time.

Spiritual Disciplines...

Stephan is staying with a friend- for now! I don't know how much longer that will last, but perhaps it will cause him to start thinking about things. I've talked to him almost everyday and he did yard work the last two days. He's earned a little money at least!

He told me that he went to court last Thursday over the three tickets, but he lied! He didn't go. Now, since he's a "no show," I suppose there's a warrant out for his arrest for Failure To Appear! It's a tangled web he's weaving for himself.

In the mean time, Richard has started teaching a class at church. It's been good that he's been able to focus on preparing for that. He's teaching Spiritual Disciplines. So far, the introduction has been awesome!

A little about the class: It's a class that will guide you through a carefully selected array of disciplines including:
Scripture reading, prayer, worship, scripture meditation, evangelism, serving, stewardship, Scripture application, fasting, silence and solitude, journaling and learning…

Richard will be illustrating why these disciplines are important, showing how each one will help you grow in godliness, and offering practical suggestions for cultivating each of them!

It's going to be a truly wonderful experience of throwing out “life-as-usual” and taking up new paths where God can transform our lives from the inside out!

As for me- some simple things I've been trying to do in my life in order to try and live a more "spiritually disciplined" life is that I've been working for three weeks now cleaning out every crook and cranny of my ENTIRE house! I'm done!!! If I had two of something, I gave one away.. If I didn't use it, I gave it away. I gave some things to my friends who are adopting a child and are having a benefit yard sale soon. I took some clothes to the consignment store, so I could take the money I earn to buy new things I may need. I'm just tired of "stuff!" I want my heart to be on Heaven not on things of this earth. I am seeking a simple life characterized by being satisfied with what I need rather than what I want -and trying to do things here that just ...matter!

Richard and I also went on a "date" last Friday night! Woo Hoo! We've also been doing Financial Peace through Dave Ramsey, so in order to go on a date and still be "frugal," we went to Zen Berry and had frozen yogurt with a buy one get one free coupon that Richard got!! We haven't been out to eat in almost a month now : )
I'm also trying to do better at planning meals for us and have been packing Richard's lunch everyday. You know, I always make a menu and a list when I go grocery shopping, but as we've been dealing with SO much stuff, there have been days that I've just been completely depressed and haven't felt like cooking. I'd call Richard and tell him to just pick something up... People, I'm trying to pick myself up off the ground! I've got to take care of myself, my husband and my house!

On top of all this, in order to live a more physically disciplined life, I've began training for a 5K! ---- Well, actually, in all honesty- I've been "training" for the TRAINING! My first official training day with my group starts on the 12th! I can't get out there and look bad in front of all my friends now can I? I know, I'm bad... I can't believe I'm even doing this! It's something I've always wanted to do, but I've never been a runner, so it's pretty intimidating... Wish me luck! Oh, and make a wish that I might loose 10 pounds by the end of all this! : )

Blessings to you all!

More Apologies...

After Stephan stole his pills and ran off, he didn't come home- naturally! Well, he called me last night to apologize! Do you know how many times I've heard these apologies? Goodness, I love him... I do... It was so good to talk to him and hear his voice. He was actually sober! That was nice.

I was in Lowes Hardware when he called to apologize. What this apology meant was: (Will you let me come home, shower, change clothes and eat?)

We talked for about an hour. He apologized over and over.... He also had me on speaker phone so Caleb could hear, so I let them both have a little piece of my mind and my heart. I told Stephan how he hurt me (again). I reminded him of his actions (again.) I let him know that I believe in him, I love him and I know that if he gets out of this drug infested world he lives in his life will begin to come together! I told him I'd tried to get him to let me help him do that and also reminded him of how he won't let me!

Like I said, he wanted to come home to shower, get fresh clothes and eat, because he and Caleb were working in some one's yard the next day. I told him he could come home to pick up his clothes! He figured out that I was in town while we were talking and he begged me to tell him where I was. I told him that I figured if I told him where I was that Caleb would drop him off there, leaving me with no choice but to bring him home! I told him I wasn't falling for that one! Then he wanted me to at least meet them and buy him and Caleb a chicken sandwich! I wouldn't... That one was a little hard, I admit. Trying to hold my ground, I told him that Burger King and Hardees throw perfectly good food out all the time and that he should go talk to them to see if he could get any of it! If you think that sounded harsh, you need to read my last post! I'm sure he sold all those pills he stole from me!

They finally made arrangements for Caleb's grandmother to buy them food- and she did! She also bought Caleb a carton of cigarettes for his birthday- she's sweet like that!

I talked to Stephan and Caleb both about getting things together and they assured me they were working on it! I hope they are... Letting Stephan pick himself up and be responsible for himself right now is the only thing that is going to help him. As long as our home has a revolving door on it, he will not get any better. Sometimes I feel like it is- What an emotional train ride we are on.

I told Stephan that his dad and I were meeting in town for a date night and that I'd call him when I got home and I did. It was 8:00... He said that "we were gone too long" and he was just going to wear some of Caleb's clothes tomorrow. I told him that was fan-tas-tic!!

Lord, protect my son. I hate that things have to be this way. My heart feels as if it is being ripped from my chest! I'm so thankful that I was able to talk to Stephan and let him know he's loved... He also knows that our home, our love and our help is available to him on our terms. Lord, I pray that he will begin to see how much he needs You and how desperately he needs help.

Surgery and Tough Decisions...

Stephan's surgery to have the hardware removed from his jaw was this morning at
7:45. Yesterday was "court" for his broken jaw, so he was home with me all day. Thursday- he has court again for three tickets he got in one night driving Caleb's car!!! Yes, you heard me right, three tickets! What a week!!!!!

We got up bright and early this morning and left. We didn't talk much all the way to the Oral Surgeons Office. I guess we were both still in the process of waking up! I did have the radio tuned to my favorite Christian radio station. I was hoping to pour some kind of goodness into him today! He just sat and listened...

The surgery went great! Our doctor is also aware of Stephan's drug issues. Stephan has been put under anesthesia twice now. Once to have the wires put on and today to have everything taken off. Dr. D was very concerned about him afterward. He pulled me off to the side with his nurse and told me that he had to use eight times the amount of drug to get Stephan under than what may kill a normal person! OH, gosh, I suddenly felt nauseous. Dr. D is a former military guy, so he doesn't cut you any slack. He just says it like it is! He told me that Stephan had also mentioned a drug called Ketamine while he was coming too. He asked Dr. D if he used this particular drug to put him under. Dr. D was astounded that he knew about Ketamine and asked Stephan if he'd used it. Stephan told him he had- about three times. Dr. D told me while Stephan was in recovery that this drug is usually used in Veterinary medicine and is other wise known as a horse tranquilizer! He also said that it is used with another drug- a sedative and when not used with the sedative it can cause a rapid rise in blood pressure and basically, you stroke or can have a heart attack and die! I guess you can guess how horrified I felt at that point just imagining all this!

Dr. D knew about Stephan's drug use before his first surgery. We had discussed that with him prior to it, because of our concerns of having him put under anesthesia. Now, we are on surgery #2! Dr. D, his nurse and I discussed Stephan's extensive drug use (outside our home) and the fact that he'd been to Rehab and how it was a waste of time! I told Dr. D that keeping Stephan "at" home was basically impossible! I guess in the back of my mind I feel like I have to explain Stephan being away from our home at times... I feel like people think that he shouldn't be allowed to spend time away from us under the circumstances! I totally agree!!! BUT- When you have a 19 year old who walks out of your house on foot and your husband is chasing him up the road either on foot or in his car and your son will NOT get in your vehicle or be coaxed back home, what do you do? You let him go... Now, if he's drunk and hitting road signs with his golf club, you call the police! Been there.. done that!

Dr. D and the nurse both understood our situation. Dr. D has had a child in this same situation and the nurse has had a brother who was a addict. It was comforting having someone listen for a change... I also told Dr. D that Stephan was living with us for now, but we were considering other options now that this surgery is over. I also told him that he had been asked to leave our home on two other previous occasions, letting him know that we weren't above kicking him out if we thought it could help him! I told Dr. D that we were Christians and that Stephan has had a foundation built beneath him. I told him that Stephan has a wonderful father and that Stephan has everything he needs to fall back on and to be successful in this world. He agreed...

Dr. D talked about Stephan driving and meeting up with friends he doesn't need to be with. I immediately chimed in and told him that Stephan "has" a car... but it's been in our garage for almost 6 months. I told him he "has" insurance on it (that he pays) and it's just sitting there! I explained that we told Stephan to suspend it, so that he isn't paying for insurance he isn't using. Stephan didn't call... so, come April, he will have wasted 1300.00! Dr. D raised his eyebrows and smiled... He said, "you guys are pretty hard core, that's good!" I said, "well, we do our best to love him, but also try not to enable!" He said it sounds like you guys are doing all the right things...

As I continued talking to Dr. D about Stephan living with us and how I felt about him not being allowed to live here. I told him I was fearful for Stephan's life. I teared up at that point and just plainly told him I didn't want my son to die. He said he completely understood and that it was such a hard decision to make... you feel like you are making a gamble with some one's life trying to help them get well. Dr. D told me that he did make the decision to ask his daughter to leave and that she had to eat out of trash cans a couple of times! He also said "that's what woke her up!" She "realized" she was eating out of a TRASH CAN and that life didn't have to be this way!

Dr. D told me that there weren't many people like me and my husband. That was very humbling to hear, but it made me feel like I was on the right track of some sorts! He said he sees people 39-55 years old coming in his office for oral surgery day in and day out who are addicts! He said these people still live with their mother, they have no jobs!!! He said their mother sits there stroking their poor little heads! He said, "what they really need is for someone to kick their ASS!"
(Sorry for the cuss word- just quoting!)

He told me that Stephan would probably begin lying to me within the hour, begging for his pain meds. He told me that he wouldn't need one for at least an hour and a half. I contemplated not even having the prescription filled! Dr. D only gave him 14 hydrocodone's, which made me feel better, but told me Stephan could eat these like M&M's. He also told me not to let him go to sleep and to make sure he didn't do any other "drug" besides what he prescribed for 5 hours because his risk of death at that point would be very high! I told Dr. D that (as far as I knew, there weren't any "drugs" at our home!)

I know that Ibuprofen will not take surgery pain away... and I don't want anyone to suffer! I made a decision to have it filled, but to keep the bottle "on me" at all times! We got Stephan in the car. Dr. D said that he wanted to watch Stephan walk. He said he shouldn't be able to walk to the car through the waiting area with all that he pumped into him- but guess what? Stephan walked through the waiting area! This just lets me know that my son is in really, really big trouble. His tolerance for narcotics is so high. I just can't seem to stomach all this... I love my son so much, but feel as if my hands are tied. Truth is, they are and it's just not fair.

We got in the car and he mentioned pain meds! Dr. D was wrong... is wasn't within the hour- it was before we got out of the parking lot! I did tell Stephan exactly what Dr. D said about "other" drugs too! I try to put fear into him thinking it might help, but it hasn't in the past! I've warned him verbally and I've even printed things for him to read... trying my best to educate him the risks that doing drugs has on his life!

All of a sudden, Stephan said, "where is that paper (prescription)?" I asked him what he wanted with it. He said "it's my pain meds!" I told Stephan that holding the paper wouldn't make him feel any better! He said, "I want it!" I said, "What are you going to do, eat it? I really don't think that will help!!" -Then I told him to shut up....! Something every loving mother should say to their child right after surgery, right? Gosh...

I prayed all the way home... I feel weary... Another thing I didn't mention that is adding to my weariness is: Two to three days before the surgery- when Stephan wasn't home- I was sitting in a chair eating my lunch. All of a sudden, this weird looking bird flew into the living room window. It just kept pecking and flying around the window as if it were trying to get in the house. I even have it on video. It attacked my window for 5 hours! I don't know why, but when all this was going on, fear came upon me. I felt the urgent need to pray for Stephan!!! I did... I prayed for his life! I prayed that God would protect him and overshadow him. I asked God to spare his life and that Stephan would begin desiring help. I asked God to let him live. I asked God to use Stephan's circumstances for His glory one day. After I finished praying, I called Caleb's phone and Stephan answered. You don't know how wonderful it was to hear his voice. He was ok...

I called Richard at work for some reason and while I had him on the phone, I told him about this bird, the feelings I had and talking to Stephan. He said, "YOUR KIDDING?" I was fearfully, curious about such a questionable response from Richard! I said, "NO, why?" He told me that a crow had been doing the same exact thing to the window where he works!!! I was blown away! My sense of fear only intensified for some reason. Maybe it was because it was a crow... an ugly black crow! I don't know if God is trying to tell us something or what. We both have this unsettling feeling and we don't know why... I can't believe this happened to both of us at the same time. My bird has been at it now for three days. The crow is now gone from Richard's plant, thank God. Richard and I both prayed for Stephan last night... then I finally fell asleep.

Back to surgery day- When I arrived back into the town we live in, I got Stephan's pills filled, got him something to eat, then found out that my other son was very sick! Stephan was awake, alert and talking to me, so I decided to stop by and get my son, Brandon and bring him home with me too. While we were at Brandon's waiting for him to shower, I realized we were about two hours passed the surgery and Stephan kept begging for a pill, so I finally gave him one. I figured he was probably legitimately in pain by now. I kept my purse with me- in which Stephan even said something about that. He said, "What do you think I'll do, steal my pills?" I thought- yeah, you probably would.. but I didn't say it. He acted like he chewed it up only to discover 15 minutes later, he never took it! I still don't know why he did this, showed it to me, then really chewed it up right in front of me!

I got both my boys home, made Brandon something to eat then Stephan starts acting like he's five years old. He was dancing, hopping, laughing, running through the house... aggravating both of us to death with his actions and things he was saying! He kept asking me for spare change to get him some cigarettes. I told him I wouldn't contribute to anything that could bring harm to him! He said that he would buy them, and that I just needed to give him 5 dollars! I reminded him that I was NOT giving him 5 dollars and that I was NOT going to drive him to buy cigarettes! He said Caleb was going to bring him some cigarettes! I told him I couldn't stop Caleb from bringing him some, but I told him if Caleb does, Caleb can leave fast as he got here! I also told Stephan if he chose to leave with Caleb not to come back home! Stephan acted a little intimidated at that comment, because I really think he wants to live here- just on his terms and that ain't gonna fly!

*I have been listening in on Stephan and Caleb's phone conversations...
(Nosy Mom!- Hey, I pay the bill!) This was yesterday's cigarette tantrum! I over heard Caleb telling Stephan he only had five dollars and he was in a dilemma. You see, he needed gas -and he needed cigarettes! He couldn't figure out which to buy- cause it takes gas to go buy the cigarettes! Stephan came up with the brilliant plan that Caleb could go buy cigarettes, come to our house, give him half of the cigarettes in exchange for the gas that is in our gas cans in our garage!
--Um, Stephan didn't buy that gas!--
Caleb thought that was a brilliant plan as well! Stephan told him he was going to take a shower and by that time Caleb would be here. As soon as I heard the shower cut on I ran into the garage, got all four of our cans and hid them on the other side of the house between our air conditioner units! When Stephan was finished showering, he came down, went into the garage and began searching for gas cans he would never find. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for cigarettes! I said, "In the garage?" Oh, the next few minutes was one lie after another... He even looked for "cigarettes" in our out building- which I am buying a pad lock for today!! I hate to say- No, I'm happy to say that Caleb and Stephan were both greatly disappointed that day! My thoughts- Get a JOB!

Ok, back to surgery day: As I said, I was not giving in to Stephan's cigarette tantrum today either, so he went outside and found old cigarette butts, got the (what little was left) of tobacco in them and rolled all that tobacco into one cigarette and smoked it. These old cigarettes butts were in a plastic container with a lid. I do not like him smoking.. but I will NOT allow butts in my yard and I will NOT allow smoking in my house! So.. he puts them out in a container outside. Cigarettes are really the least of our problems too, you know?

When he finally got a little nicotine fix, he began wanting another pain pill. Oh, he was relentless! I told him he could have another one in three hours as they are to be taken every four. I had them in my jacket pocket and I believe somehow he figured it out. I just can't begin to make you understand his actions. He was so childish and would not stop talking and acting silly- even for a minute. I was almost ready to call Richard at work! It was that bad. He's been that way before, but only a few times. The other episodes usually involved anger- hitting, throwing and breaking things! I didn't know if this was surgery related (coming off those drugs) or what! Well, I was standing at the counter making tea and opening the package of tea bags. In a split second, Stephan grabbed the bottle of pills out of my pocket before I could even blink! He laughed, ran out the door shaking the bottle of pills like he had just won the lottery and ran down the street until he was out of sight. I couldn't believe he did that to me. Well, I can and I can't. It's a mixture of emotions, I guess. Nothing makes sense when you're dealing with an addict. NOTHING!

I felt used and abused once again. I felt hurt once again. Such familiar feelings. I went outside and watched for Caleb to circle around the lake in our neighborhood. He circled twice as if he couldn't find Stephan.. I heard him blow his horn, so he must have seen him. I assume Stephan got into his car that time, because I watched them leave.
I suddenly remembered telling Stephan earlier, that if he left with Caleb he wasn't coming home...
I even remember thinking before I said it too. I meant it...

I also think that Stephan took a gold bracelet of mine. He said something under his breath a few days ago about pawning a gold necklace, but I don't have any gold necklaces, so I didn't think much about it. Richard bought me a gold bracelet the day I graduated high school... and I checked last night - and it's gone. I can't imagine I put it somewhere else. Stephan also stole my wedding band (that Richard bought me on our 10th anniversary) I don't wear it anymore because of my new one he bought me on our 20th.. but it was still precious! I even went to the attic last night to look in my treasure box to see if I put the bracelet in there. It wasn't there... It makes me sick to think he would take it. But.. he probably did.

I live in (my) house and when my son is here I have to hide my purse and my keys. I have to lock my car, keep him out of my bedroom and sleep with one eye open. We will find him crawling around in our closets in the dark at 3am if we don't! I have to make sure my security alarm is set when I leave my house, not so much worried about intruders, but my son breaking in. I occasionally go around making sure all the windows are locked just incase... I can't leave my son at home while I run to the store. I can't give my son money and let him run to the store for me! I constantly check to make sure my debit card, credit card and checks are all in place and no cash is missing just incase he finds my purse. I'm running out of hiding places...

I can't go into any store and not worry that my son is going to steal something while we're in there. He, Caleb and Tyler steal on a daily basis. It's become a way of life. I don't even like taking him with me when I have to go somewhere anymore for all the stares I get! I know their watching him. I can't blame them... I know they are wondering what kind of mother I am. It's human nature I guess... Until you've been in this situation, you just can't understand...

It's so sad to find comfort in him not being here... I don't find comfort with him being out on the streets either.... There is just no comfort to be found.

I am afraid that the decision has been made. I fear for his life, but until he hits rock bottom he won't be able to look up. I pray to God that He spares his life till he reaches the point to where he's had enough. Stephan knows where to turn for love and support. But it will be on our terms... not his.

Court Date

Well, court went fine as court can go. The guy is not in jail. I expected him to come out in a tan jumpsuit like two others I saw, but he didn't. I am guessing someone bailed him out. We did exchange a few stares... his were angry stares, like why are you doing this to me? I couldn't help but "not" feel sorry for him. His temper cost us a couple thousand dollars, you know, -plus Stephan was a victim in this case. (The guy thought Stephan was someone else!!!) I guess he needs to make certain who shoots him the birdie from now on. Yes, he broke Stephan's jaw because he thought Stephan shot him a bird! Maybe he won't break anyone elses jaw from now on!!

When we walked out, he walked to his car. Even though I don't feel sorry for him, there's this motherly part of me that does... I really hate all this for him. I hate what he did to my son and I hate having to sue him... I just hate it all the way around. I really hope that this is a turning point for this young man. I also hope that my own son thinks twice before getting into a brawl with anyone and thinks about taking a swing- unless it's self defense! Stephan did try to defend himself, but this guy tore into him and this guy will have to pay for being really careless...

Our trial date in in May....

Court and Surgery

This Tuesday we have to be in court with the guy who broke Stephan's jaw. We are only trying to get back our money that we paid for this whole ordeal! Breaking someone's jaw is a felony, plain and simple! Our Doctor told us that if Stephan had been hit another inch or so above where he was hit that it could have been fatal!

I wrote about how his jaw was broken in a previous post, but just a little reminder... This guy thought that Stephan shot him a straight finger.. come to find out he thought Stephan was someone else! Stephan didn't actually do anything wrong! Plus, this guy is Stephan's age and I really don't think you should go around breaking someone's jaw for such a minor thing in the first place!

The day after court, we have to take Stephan to have the surgery to remove the screws from his jaw... This is going to be a hard week for us. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. I really hate taking this guy to court. I know that he's someone's baby, just as Stephan is mine, but like I said, the blow could have been fatal! Plus, we have also found out that this guy has quite a wrap sheet at 19 years of age! I am just praying that "this" will be the thing that helps him turn his life around. I know he probably doesn't have the money and we'll never see a dime. In that case, he'll spend time in jail. I just don't think he should be allowed to get away with it! SO... many prayers needed for tomorrow.

Trying to Encourage....

Stephan was home Saturday night. I was so excited! I knew that since he was home- he would go to church with us on Sunday morning. We got up, headed out the door and on the way Stephan said he wasn't going. I thought- ok, you're in the car with us and we will pull up at the church- Where ya gonna go buddy? He had called and made arrangements before leaving home. Someone was on their way to pick him up. My husband and I both talked to him all the way to church about decisions, God, choices, and how "today" can be the first day of the rest of his life! My husband teaches and I have to be there at a certain time as well, so when we arrived, there was no more time to try to coax him to stay. (Like I've said before- the only way to keep Stephan in one place is to tie him down with duck tape.) So... we went in and to my surprise, Stephan followed. He walked down the hall as if he were headed to his class.

Well, Sunday School was over and we were now in worship. As I was singing on stage, I looked for him and didn't see him. Oh, how I've been praying for that boy! I wrote in one of my previous posts that I've been praying for Stephan to have bad dreams that would cause him to wake in a breathless, cold sweat thanking God that it was only a dream!!! Well, he's been plagued by dreams!! He wakes up everyday telling me of another one! He also says that he is not taking LSD anymore!!!!!! He said it is messing with his brain. He said, "I'm afraid it's going to make me stupid." Yes, he said that. He also blames the dreams on LSD- but I know what I prayed.

So, back to Sunday. Since he wasn't there, I decided that I'd take sermon notes for him. I'm really good at writing encouraging letters, notes and cards to Stephan and leaving them on his bed. One particular one was on Proverbs 31 and the kind of woman a guy should look for in a wife : ) I really think Stephan appreciates my efforts. I think it shows I care and that I love him. He never rolls his eyes or says anything negative at all! Sometimes he will say that he'll read it later...

You know, Satan knows exactly when Stephan needs to be at church! He really could have heard some good things Sunday. Things that could break through this cold exterior of his. I wanted to share my notes... They are simple, but full of truth!

1: The Devil hates you!
2: Church is not a place for people who have it all together it's a hospital for the spiritually sick. We are all in need of some type of healing.
3: You are responsible for everyone God brings into your life.
4: Most people look for refuge in all the wrong places. The only place of refuge is the church of the living God.
5: What is more important than having a million dollars? A man's soul!
6: God doesn't love us because of who we are- He loves us because of who HE is!
7: God looks at us not for where we have been or for where we are- He looks at who we could become.
8: God uses us when we begin to use what He gives us.
9: Give of yourself to God's service- Then look at how He helps you!
10: All people want to feel needed, that they belong, appreciated and accepted. Be wise about "where" your value comes from.
11: Satan is always trying to hinder everything we can do for God.
12: We have the advantage of being like Christ.
13: We have the advantage of loving like Christ.
14: We have the advantage of being loved by Christ.

I gave these to Stephan last night and he told me thank you! He never opposes the things of God, he just chooses not to live for Him.

With prayer and encouragement- I hope that soon... my prayers of Stephan turning back to God will be answered. God is working!

Start Your Walk At The Beginning- A devotion I wrote for Stephan

Below is a devotion that I wrote for Stephan this morning. He's very sick.. running a fever of 102. The reason he is home is because we had an appointment with the oral surgeon yesterday to see how his jaw is healing... He fell asleep in my car on the way home and has slept since! I believe he has a touch of the stomach bug and the drug bug combined. He's been on LSD and is seeing "lights?" Oh, how my heart just hurts... For about two weeks now- on the three occasions we have seen him, he keeps talking about getting things right in his life! He's saying things we've never heard him say... but there's this trust issue we have you know? It's so hard to believe what we want to believe!!! This LSD has really done some bad things.... I believe he actually got scared!

I have been praying that Stephan would have horrible dreams! Sounds like a bad prayer for a mother to pray right? I have prayed that he would have such horrible dreams to the extent that when he awakes in a breathless, cold, sweat that he realizes how thankful he is to be alive and when he wakes up so thankful that it was all a dream!!! I prayed that these dreams would make him second guess the things he's doing to himself. My prayers have worked! He has had horrible dreams on three occasions during these last two weeks! Stephan told me about them and they did have a lasting impact! I really believe God is at work...

Like I said, he is home and I got up, made my coffee and wrote this for him:

Start Your Walk at the Beginning

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
I Peter 4:12-14 NIV

Finding encouragement in times of trial can be tough, and sometimes these trials – or what’s after us, is only a “smoke screen” of diversion from our enemy. We get so caught up in walking though the smoke that we forget our purpose in life. Frankly, our best approach is simply to remember why we exist, which helps us to recognize our enemy's tactics. -Our purpose is to reveal and reflect our Father, to bear His image.

God has a plan for each of our lives and Satan will stop at nothing to see that this plan does not unfold. Knowing these things, our enemy attacks our love relationship with God and it overflows into the lives of others as well. So what do we do in a time like this? In order for fight an unseen enemy, your best response is to “counteract,” - which means: to make ineffective, restrain, or neutralize ill effects by using opposite force, action, or influence. How to do we do that? We start at the beginning…

Was there ever a time that you knew God? If so, go back to that time… Were you happy? Were you seeing God’s blessings on your life? Was He active in your life and bringing good things to it and using you for His glory?

My friend, many of our trials are meant to challenge our love for God, and we can combat them by staying in the Word, praying, and trusting God's wisdom and love. Remember, "God is light; in Him is no darkness at all" (I John 1:5NIV).
When we are in the Word and praying… we are restraining our enemy- Satan! We are attempting to neutralize the effects that he has on our life! God’s Word is powerful… It’s alive… It reaches to the heart of man and guides and directs our paths to find our purpose that Satan doesn’t want us to find!

We must also recognize the devil's aim to pervert our relationships. He wants division to come between you and those who truly love you. He wants to convince you that those who despitefully use you and can potentially cause discord in your life are your dearest companions! Proverbs refers to these types of friends as “Companions of Fools!”

In order to counteract the schemes of the Devil- Start at your beginning… Maybe you need to meet God for the first time. Maybe you need to recommit your life to Him… A good place to start is a prayer of repentance or asking God to forgive you… There is nothing He can’t forgive! He loves you so much! This prayer covers a multitude of sins! It brings you back in favor with God where He can move in and begin helping you rebuild your life, your health, your relationships and your purpose for being on this earth!
Don’t wait, my friend… Today can be the first day of the rest of your life-
of purpose!

Living Life

I guess one thing I did learn from Stephan being in Rehab was the three C's.. (I didn't Cause his drug addiction, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it!) I spent the better part of our first year, that I discovered he was using, searching for where I'd gone wrong as a parent. I'd ask myself questions like: "Did I pay more attention to his brother?" "Was there some traumatic childhood incidence that caused him to turn to drugs?" "Is he using because I sent him to public school in the 4th grade?" "Did I encourage him enough and make him feel important and smart?"

The answers to all my questions didn't help me. I'm not a perfect parent, but I really felt that I was an ok mom. I was loving, I protected them, I cared for and nurtured them. I tucked them in every night. Oh, but I did make frequent mistakes! I yelled at them at times. I know I punished them too harshly sometimes, but other times, I probably didn't punish them enough!!haha!

Even through the mistakes, both my boys know that both Richard and I love them to pieces! They both had individual attention! We spent time doing activities that they both enjoyed. We went to lots of fun places and our photo albums are now full of pictures displaying all the places we went. We've prayed with our boys, we talk to our boys. Richard ruined a really good pair of leather shoes one very, rainy afternoon. He had just gotten home from work, I heard all this laughing, so I looked outside and caught all three of them running through a ditch full of water just splashing up a storm! When I confronted Richard about his shoes- He said, "AH, they make more!" I just had to laugh! He was right about that and the fun they had was worth a pair of leather shoes!

Stephan did go from Homeschool to public school, then we moved to another state and he was in a different public school. The year after that, he went to Middle School... He seemed to adjust very well. I've asked him about changing schools so many times and that never seems to be an issue! I think he enjoyed making new friends!

When you are in the first stages of dealing with addiction with someone you love, you do go back and try and find "something" that caused it. When you can't really come up with anything, you just can't seem to move forward... You begin this battle within yourself to get to the "root cause" of it! You then start looking around and begin thinking about different scenarios and wondering things like: Why is it so easy to understand that kids growing up in a drug infested home or in an abusive home wind up on drugs! It's easy to understand how a seemingly troubled, reclusive child winds up on drugs sometimes. How about a child who's mother is an exotic dancer and is gone all night, every night. The child is left to take care of himself and his little sister, because his mother is still sleeping when they head off to school. How about a child who is introduced to Marijuana by his father?
Well, I know some kids that have grown up in these exact type of environments and the last thing they would ever think of doing is drugs!! At the same time, I know some kids who have grown up in these environments who do wind up on drugs! Do I think that it is more "likely" for a child growing up in a bad environment to do drugs? That is possible, because it could be more available to them... but not always probable. How about a child growing up in a Christian home? Will he wind up on drugs? It could be less probable... but also very possible!

I think that if a parent does his and her best to raise up a child in the way he/she could go, then you have done everything to the best of your ability to see that your child has all the tools necessary to live their life to its fullest potential! Your child knows right from wrong and the choices they should make, because it has been taught to them. They have had direction and guidance! A parent must "parent." When one doesn't parent, a child is left with no direction at all. You never go wrong doing the right things, that I am sure of!

What if you are the parent that I was talking about earlier? What if you don't feel you have "parented?" What if you've made really big mistakes that you can't erase? I know this... It's never to late to get things right! It's never too late to go to your child and tell them you need help and you'd like to ask for their forgiveness. It's never too late to take them along with you on the journey to "healing." Take your entire family! An awesome place to start is going to a local Bible Believing Church. Just go... sit on the back row if you want. That's where we started! Begin to pray and read God's Word at home. Let God work in your heart and life! Let Him help you through this.
I would also like to say that if you are a mom and you are in an abusive situation for you or your children... Get Out! You know, God doesn't want anyone to be battered or sexually assaulted! This is not His plan for your life! His plan is for you to be safe- even if that means seeking shelter from a family member or a women's home. His plan is for your abuser to come to Him for healing as well, but if the abuser refuses, there is nothing you can do. You must get away from this situation for the safety of yourself and for your children!


So, in any situation, the cold hard fact is- No matter where a child comes from, good environment or bad, it all started with a choice! They chose it, it did not choose them! If you are a parent who feels that it is your fault- STOP- Now is the time for you to assist your child in getting well. Now begins the process of finally admitting your child is an addict!

Once you admit that to yourself, you begin to live in whole new world. You realize you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! Your child chose it, your child controls it and only.. can your child begin to have the desire to want to cure it.

How do you assist them? You pray, you set boundaries and consequences. You seek help for yourself, you talk to someone, you go to Al-Alon meetings, you learn about enabling and how not to be an enabler, you love your child, you warn them about possible future consequences if things don't change. You offer to help them get help- If they want it, awesome, if they don't, they are not willing to change. You have to realize you can not change them. You will wear yourself out physically and mentally trying to think you can do something to change them!

I have come to the realization that they only way to keep my son from drugs or from anyone doing drugs is to duck tape his hands and feet together and lock him in a room so he can't use and he can't escape us. I know, this is horrible- ...or is it? At least he would be safe! There's been times I've wanted too. Stephan's ran away and Richard has chased him down in the truck and Richard can not physically get him in the truck, so duck tape may be a last resort for us! Am I willing to do this? No... Like I've said before, we can tell him to stay home, we can take the phone out of his room, we can disconnect our phone, so that we can't receive calls!! If he wants to leave, he will leave- and he does! He'll go somewhere else to use a phone! We have lost control of him! At times, I just can't believe we have no control... This is why I questioned my parenting skills in the beginning! Loosing control of a teen means you did or are doing something wrong- right? No... it does not! It means your child is defying all the rules because they want too.
But, but... if we had been a little harder on them, our teen would know they should respect us more! OR - If we "weren't" so hard on our teen, then they would respect us more... Yes, that's it!
Friends, we can't go there! Again, your teen is using because they want to use...
Don't wear yourself out...

I titled this post "Living Life, " because that's what we have to keep on doing. We have to get past playing the Blame Game and seek help for ourselves, which in turn, helps our child...
It seems selfish to think about at first, but let me also tell you, seeking help for yourself is not a selfish act and it is not "giving up" on your child! It was soooo hard for me to let go of this control I felt I should have when it came to Stephan's drug use. I thought that if I tried to control his every move, then eventually he would listen and quit! This is how I wore myself out! I'd try to control him by telling him what he could do and what he couldn't- then he'd leave- I'd feel like a failure- I'd feel like Richard should have done something else! Oh goodness, It was like we were in the movie Ground Hog Day! Living the same day over and over again! But, I honestly felt like giving up control was giving up on him. I had to get to the point to where I realized how ridiculous this was to repeat this process over and over with no results. Richard always says: Doing the same things over and over expecting different results is insanity! I think we must have been insane...

Stephan's got to figure this thing out. He has our love and support. We had a wonderful talk with him yesterday afternoon! It was probably an hour long conversation! He knows all the right things to do. He knows what he should do. He just won't do them...

So, in trying to "Live Life," Richard and I are trying to focus on our marriage and we are earnestly praying for Stephan. We prayed together last night and it was really, really good.... We will do anything in this world to help our son.. anything!

The only thing about that is--


He's has to let us...

Ephesians 1:17-19

Ephesians 1:17-19 ~That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power...


Stephan has been gone since last Wednesday. We've only talked to him a few times and seen him twice. Today is "Tuesday"... and he came home at 1:00 this morning! If it were not for the wires on his teeth and the worry that causes us, I'm not sure that Richard would have let him in. We love him so much, but we don't want to enable! We don't give him money, his car has been parked in our garage for months... we do feed him, clothe him, and give him a safe place to stay when he does comes home. I told someone the other day that there is no possible way to keep him here unless you duck tape his hands and feet together and lock him up somewhere! He runs away... There is no convincing him to do the right thing! This.. is the life of an addict!

Last night, he walked in.... and.... he- had- cut- the- wires -OFF -of -his teeth!!! We were supposed to get them off Feb. 6th! I just covered my face with my hands in pure shock saying, "oh, my gosh, oh my gosh! I remember breathing through my fingers!
(For anyone reading this, not understanding what I'm talking about, you'll have to go back a few posts to where Stephan's jaw was broken in four places and he had to have his teeth wired shut.)

I had to let that sink in! ....Dr. D had already told us that when someone walks in to have the wires removed and they have already "been" removed, he sends them on their way kicking their backside on their way out the door and tells them to take it up with God! All I said to Richard when I gained my composure was that I was NOT taking him back to Dr. D alone! You see, Stephan has to have surgery to have screws removed from his head! This is what the wires were attached too! I guess, by law, Dr. D will have to remove the screws!
Oh, I am still in shock I think!!!!!

My prayer for Stephan today is the above verse.... I have prayed for God to give my children wisdom and knowledge since they were babies. The Bible says to ask for it and it will be given to you! I also believe that Stephan is the one who needs to ask at this point. I understand that if he does, and I hope it's one day soon that his eyes will be opened and he will understand the hope of his calling. I've always told Stephan that God has got mighty plans for his life! I told him that I feel like Satan knows this too, which is why he tries so hard to prevent God's plan from unfolding! I hope that one day soon, Stephan will open his heart to God and let Him begin a good work in him! When that happens, Stephan will experience God's magnificent power like never before!

I'm just gonna keep on praying...

The Glass Box

When you are the loved one of someone on drugs, you suffer... Oh, friend how I understand this suffering!

I know for me, if I were to describe how a parent feels as they watch a child wander aimlessly through life on drugs, the scene that plays over and over inside my heart and mind, it would probably look something like this~

The Glass Box- Christel W.

I am standing on the outside of this doorless, windowless, giant, glass box and I am looking in at my son who is inside. I see him in there... There he is, living a life of total self-destruction and because there are no doors or even windows that I could crawl into, I can't enter to rescue him. Because it is made of glass, it is completely soundproof. He can't hear anything outside of this world he lives in, because he's closed himself inside. The enemies are there, they are inside with him! One is the demon alcohol, and the rest of them are the demons of drugs. They are dancing all around him, nagging and biting at him, compelling him to take another pill and drink a little more. They are relentless! They are taunting him with lies about pleasure and escape from the cares of the world! I watch him befriend these ugly, powerful, strongholds that have swallowed him into a life of addiction! I see the darkness of their eyes and their gripping, serrated claws, but he can not! They grasp him even tighter. They are very convincing... Now that they have him in their clutches, they wrap themselves around his shoulders appearing to be kind and gentle, insisting that they are his best friends and that no one loves him as much as they do! He buys into their lies and as he does, they grow more and more powerful as they begin to gain his trust. I know all too well that their goal is to destroy my son's life and they will stop at nothing to do so.

On the outside, I'm standing there, trying to get my son's attention away from these beasts by frantically pounding the glass with my fists until my hands are aching, bruised and swollen from the constant beating. As I see the deception going on inside, I scream at the top of my lungs. My voice becomes raspy and hoarse as I realize ...that my son cannot hear me! I am in a desperate race to try and get his attention away from these torturous enemies! "Can they see me?" Oh yes, you better believe they see me... and will do anything in their power to distract my son's attention away from me!

Oh, finally!! My son sees me and pleasantly smiles back at me with a smile as if he were strolling through a field of wild flowers or something!! He's totally blinded, having no idea -what- so- ever- that he is being served as the main course on his enemies menu! He waves at me- very nonchalantly, as if to say, "Hi Mom!" He seems glad to see me! Now that his eyes are finally fixed upon me, I have to keep his attention! I wave my arms back and forth, making these silent pleas for him not to dare take his eyes off of me! You see, I have located one thing on the inside of this glass prison that is his only hope! This is the one and only thing that these enemies of his want to keep hidden from his sight, the one and only thing they can't touch and the one and only thing I want him to find! It's a "Lifehammer," the ONLY thing that "would" or even "could" break through this glass world in a single blow! It's the one and only thing that would also destroy his enemies at his feet and would expose their wickedness for what it really is! Oh, but they are very clever you see, they have placed blinders over his eyes. He thinks these blinders were a gift, but they are in the form of a really nice pair of sunglasses!! In reality, they were custom made especially for him and his weaknesses, so that he wouldn't be able to see their motives or any plans they have for him. These enemies have worked very hard to gain his loyalty...

I thought to myself, my son trusts "me!" I KNOW he does! I also know that he can see me! The blinders prevented him from seeing his enemies evil, abominable, malicious, wicked schemes. I also know that they are blinding him to the truth, but in a effort to get through to him, I point to his enemies, then I place my hands around my own throat as if I were choking myself, then I point back to his enemies, then to him! He looks at me as if he were confused.... I repeat this process over and over until he realizes what I'm saying! I see him turn to look at them in disbelief. They walk up to his side as if to partner with him against me. They are ruthless in persuading him again that they are his "only" friends and the "only" ones he should listen too. I can't believe it, but my son is satisfied... He looks back at me and shakes his head as if to say, "no." To my horror, I know that he doesn't believe me! In an intense attempt to save his life, I point to the "Life Hammer." He finally sees it! "Oh, thank you God," I think to myself! I showed him, using my hands how to apply the Lifehammer to the glass to break it and break free from his enemies! He looked at me as if I were crazy! I point back at his enemies and yell slowly- (although he can't hear me I pray he can make out what I'm trying to tell him)- I yell, "They.. will.. kill.. you!" He is still not convinced....

I close my eyes and darkness surrounds me. My neck is no longer strong enough to support the weight of my head that now aches from frustration and anxiety. I feel warm tears stream down my face... I feel weak in the knees... I feel faint... As I begin to fall to the ground below, my now, bloody hands cause the glass to cry these high pitched, shrieking noises of nothing but sheer pain and agony... Finally, I am on my knees. I begin to pray to Jesus Christ, the "Lifehammer," the one who sent me, the One who stands and knocks on the doors of all our hearts. I prayed for the life of my son... I prayed that his eyes would soon be opened and his ears will begin to hear! I prayed that he will begin to see through the lies of his enemies. I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that I was able to share the truth with him. I was able to warn him! Most importantly, my son knows the Lifehammer is there with him... He can be saved!

I know that my prayers will never come back void. I trust in the One who can pierce through the darkest, coldest heart, or through any circumstance. I trust that God hears my prayers as I come before Him with my petitions for my son. After all, God loves him more than I do! God is good... He is a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him. Oh, how I long for my son to place his trust in Him.

I'm still standing on the outside of this horrible, Glass Box of Addiction waiting...

I realize that my son may never hear "my" voice. I know that when he grows weary and tired; when he realizes he's on a road that leads to nowhere, when he gets his heart broken a few more times and never can seem to find true love and when he learns that all these promises of the enemy were in fact all lies... Then at that time, he may take the Lifehammer into his hands, break free and find true love that will never leave nor forsake him. Love that will help him find his way out of the darkness and into marvelous light...


Then, and only then, will he be free...

Friends, bondage is a bunch of lies from the enemy, which puts us "on" that road that leads to nowhere. It leads to the inside this horrible, Glass Box, so that we remain ineffective for Christ.

Freedom is "life in Christ" and that, my friends, is the road that leads to anywhere!

It's life abundant.
It's life with fulfilment.
It's life with purpose.
It's life with direction.
...It's life worth living.


Oh, how I pray that my son will grab onto the "Lifehammer" and break free from these chains that the enemy is using to keep him in bondage inside this Glass Box of his... My son is still in there.

I pray that when he does take it into his hands and glass shatters all around him, that he is overcome of how much he is loved by the Father...

I know that my heart will be overjoyed...

I will rejoice for answered prayer as my son comes running back into my arms...

Until then...

I remain faithfully His... and I remain...

on my knees... pleading for him to take it and break free.

Praying Scripture-

My husband and I pray for Stephan every day, but we have decided that we need to fast as well... Today as I prayed over him, I decided to pray scripture. I've done this in the past, but I've never wrote down what I prayed... As I sat at my kitchen table, I opened up to the book of Psalms and began reading. I began to personalise my prayer adding Stephan's name and adding detail to my prayer as I prayed and read from the Word. I have felt God's presence with me all day. I know that He is at work in the life of my son.

A little of what I prayed today:


Psalm 6:1-10

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled; But You, O LORD--how long?

Return, O LORD, deliver Stephan from the hands of the enemy! Oh, save him for Your mercies' sake! For if he were to die, in death there is no remembrance of You. In the grave who will give You thanks? If you spare him and if you protect his going out and coming in... If you protect him from even himself and the drugs he is doing, then perhaps one day you will receive much glory for the things you have brought him "through..." Praise be unto You, The Lord God Almighty!

I pray Lord God that he will come to trust you soon. Father, I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim. I wake up crying some mornings in fear that harm may come upon my son. I drench my couch and my sleeves with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief at times; It grows old because of the enemy, Satan, and all the people Stephan calls friends who are not. I ask that these friends depart from him, all those who work iniquity. I don't want any harm to come to them. I simply desire for them to be either- saved themselves or that their friendship will fade away because a friendship like they have is not fruitful for either of them!

God I thank you for hearing the voice of my weeping.

I thank you for hearing my supplications and for receiving my prayer.

Let Stephan be ashamed and greatly troubled because of his sin; Let him turn back and be ashamed suddenly today because of the lifestyle he is choosing to live. Allow him to know that you are a God of mercy and forgiveness. Let him "not" be ashamed to come before you, knowing of your great love for him. Do let him be shameful because of his sin, which causes him to come to You, but in knowing your love, let him come boldly before you with the knowledge that Jesus died for all of his sin, so that he can feel shame no more... and he would begin to live life with You as his guide. Lord, in this, he would truly live!

Psalm 5:11- Let Stephan rejoice as he puts his trust in You! Let him ever shout for joy, because You defend him! Let him love Your name as he grows to love You more and may he experience great joy in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; you will bestow favor upon him. You will surround him and protect him as with a shield.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Stronger For It

Since my last post, my heart is not quite as heavy. There's a song that I've been reminded of this week. It's called, Stronger For It. Part of the chorus is, "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak, I'm stronger for it..."

I didn't like that song when I first heard it many years ago. I thought, "Who wants to 'ask' to be blind or lame?" Isn't that a dangerous prayer? Through these past three years, that song resonates in my mind, especially during the times I want to give up. I have even sang it during worship at our church, now that I know what it truly means.

About a month ago, well, it's actually been off and on during the course of these three years, but the feelings of oppression and desperation have weighed me down tremendously, especially during this last month... I remind myself that it's the enemy all the time! He begins to whisper sweet "nothings" into my ears, telling me lies that feed my greatest insecurities. He knows where he can get us! He knows our weak spots. He knows what to say to rip us to shreds and do the damage that hurts us the most. He tries to defeat and destroy us. If he can pin us to the ground and we don't put up a fight, then he wins. Two weeks or so ago, I wanted to lay down on the ground and not move -or- crawl inside the littlest hole I could find, put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and shut out the entire world! I wanted to call our music minister and tell him that I need to take a sabbatical from choir, praise team and singing solo. I wanted to take a trip to Tennessee all by myself and just get away from all humans that I know! I was in the depths of despair. In the movie, Anne of Green Gables, Marilla Cuthburt says, "To despair is to turn your back on God!" You know... there may be some truth in that!

Stephan is still living here with his jaws wired shut! The plan in the beginning was that he lived here and did not leave our side. As I mentioned before, if he were to throw up- he could die! He agreed. You know, I really did know better than to even make him agree to it... I'd hoped different of course, thinking that "surely" he won't leave under these circumstances.... surely this situation will force him to demonstrate that there is some type of logical activity going on inside that cute brain of his! Nope... !

I think the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak were these events: On top of what we've been through already, he left with his "friends" against my will one day. He and I were going to go put in job applications and I was ready to leave. His friends are on their way to come get him and I told him to call them and tell him not to come, that he's going with me. I'm standing there in the hallway, compelling him to stay and go with me! I reminded him that going with me could be a very good decision that he could make that could redirect the course of his future; he smiles and leaves.

 

He stayed out all night and got drunk! - My worst nightmare of him dying could have came true that night! Do you think I slept any during this leave of absence? Being his jaws are wired shut, he came back home and there was another day he left and I didn't even know it! I guess I was cleaning. He did leave me a note on the bar that day- that was respectful! Or at least, more than I used to get. He also snuck out in the middle of the night one night as well. Oh help me!

 

Some time back, we had an alarm installed on his door upstairs. There was alarms already on the windows. Somehow he figured out if he opened his door once and let the system beep, then leave the door cracked the alarm would not go off and we would possibly not hear the beep  Also, when we would go to check on him before bed, we weren't noticing that the door was cracked. We were listening for an alarm, not a beep and he found his way around that too! He's lied, lied, lied....

 

I over heard two conversations of his lately that I feel like the Lord allowed me to hear. I was at the right place at the right time. What I heard was that it appears Stephan is dealing some.... I also overheard him telling a friend that he would look for stuff to sell around our house!! OH- OOOHHH! You gotta be kidding?? Richard was pretty upset and had a pretty healthy conversation with him that night! Basically, he told him while we are waiting for these wires to come off his teeth - if anything at all turns up missing at our home, then he will have to live elsewhere and take care of himself WITH his jaws wired shut! Richard asked him if he had a way of pureeing foods etc. He replied, "no.." The wires come off Feb. 6th and I have a feeling when he's recovered from the surgery to have them removed, he will not be living here. We will have to ask him to leave again.

I try not to let Stephan's hang-ups or habits effect my emotional state and especially my spiritual state. I try not to let it mess up my ability to be a good mom or an encourager. Being an addicts mother is extremely hard emotionally, I have to say! Being spiritually minded at all times when you are dealing with an addict is also hard! I see my child self-destructing before my eyes and I feel that we've done everything possible to help him, yet I still feel this sense of desperation for his healing and hopelessness that he doesn't want healing or restoration and there is nothing I can do to help him! I also know that it's not my job. I'm not the Holy Spirit, nor can I make his decisions for him. Every moment of my day I know that Christ is one who is going to make all the difference in the world for him and that gives me great hope if in fact someday... one day... hopefully soon he turns back to Him! I have hope in Christ. He stands at the door and knocks, but watching Stephan -time and time again- turn away and shut the door hurts my heart "again and again." I keep waiting. I keep watching for any sign of hope. This can be an agonizing process my friends. There are all these questions during the waiting process.... What if he doesn't get with it and get a job? What if he's caught shoplifting again? What if he goes to jail again? What if he's in a wreck again? What if he winds up in the hospital in ICU again? What if he.. dies? OH GOD, please protect him. Protect him from even himself!

He went to church with us last Sunday, can you believe it? He said that it depressed him. I told him that I knew what he meant and that this type of "depression" wasn't a bad thing. I told him I felt that he was convicted, not depressed. He told me, "Yeah, of course I was, that's why I don't like going!" I told him in the kindest voice I knew of that conviction does hurt. It hurts everyone! It hurts me! It also lets you know personally, that the Holy Spirit is inside you and has been since you asked Christ into your life! The Holy Spirit leads us and convicts us of sin in our lives. That's a good thing. All my Stephan could see is the hurt inside him, not seeing that taking Christ's yoke upon him is easy or that His burden is light! Stephan sees all the changes that need to be made in his life and he sees this as an overwhelming accomplishment! What he fails to realize is that he would have to give his life to receive it. Until he does this, Christ can't work! Christ makes all the difference and the changes within us, not we ourselves! He transforms us by the renewing of our minds. Old things pass away and all things become new. Our desires change, our habits change, things that were once "fun" don't seem fun at all anymore! Once he turns back to Christ and only when he does, is when these changes can begin. It's only by the power of God that we become a new creation that has no desire to live in the flesh, but in the spirit!

So, as heavy as my heart has been, my strength has been renewed these past few weeks. I have been in the Word even more -that has given me comfort! My prayers have been for Stephan, but also for me... I don't want to be oppressed by the enemy, so my prayers have been for God to help me not want to give in or give up. That's what the enemy desires anyway! I read in Psalms about David singing praises unto the Lord. David made mistakes, he sinned, he also fell upon his face in repentance. God forgives... David was a man after God's own heart even in times of trial and persecution! God rescued him from peril when he offered up praise and thanksgiving.

He glorified and exalted God for his reign and the protection that only God provides. Through prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God, David's life was continually being re-routed to look to God and to trust him in times of oppression. That's how I want my life to be. I don't want to give up and give in. I don't want to be "pinned." I want to be a fighter!

I have truly learned to trust God more and to praise him during the times when my circumstances get me down. I've learned that when you don't feel like praying- pray! When you don't feel like ministering- minister! When you don't feel like being in the Word- Read! When you feel like pulling away from everything and everyone- Host a table at a women's event where your job is to meet and greet people! Well... that's what I'm doing tonight : ) Had to throw that in for fun!

So Lord, when storms of life pass over me and the winds are raging out of control. Let me not be in despair and turn away from You or my life's purposes. Let my heart be so in tune with Yours that you.... "Make me blind that I might see, make me lame that I might praise You from my knees, let me hunger, let me thirst until Your Word is all I need, cause when I'm weak............

I am made stronger for it... By the way, this song was the next song that I sung at church. If you'd read my last post you heard my heart. Never have the words to this song ever been so true. It was so hard walking out on that stage again, but I made my mind up that I wasn't going to listen to Satan's lies and I was not going to be defeated. I think there were many hearts in tune with mine that morning as they heard my heart through song as they knew the battle I was fighting.

Bless you my friends,

Christel

Moving Out and Moving In

About three weeks ago, Stephan moved out with two friends of his. Stephan had money in his account that we've kept for him for some time so he didn't blow it. Plus, it's in there for insurance for his car when that rolls around again- although he's not even driving his car... Richard has told him that we'd discuss his car when he was 19. With the habits he has, we don't want this to be wreck #4 and have something terrible happen to him. Now, could he be in someone else's car and something happen? Yes, but it wouldn't be because we didn't try and protect him.

Back to the move: He wanted money for the deposit and we let him have it from his account! Richard said, "the faster he runs through every dime he has -the better!" I agreed... It really has come to this.

Stephan still has no job, neither did the two other boys... (yes, you can chuckle!) I know, I know- renting a place to live with two others who are jobless too. There is nothing left to do but shake your head. He is so dead set on getting out of here and I hate to say it, but things are calm around here when he's not here. I need to do an article about "Marriage on Drugs!" I think I've mentioned that before. The stress and strain that this can cause is astronomical sometimes.

We decided that if he wants to do this with no job, no car.. then go for it! Doing things the hard way with absolutely no logic behind any decision is the way Stephan operates and the only way he learns, so, yes, go for it! Maybe, just maybe.. he will learn that you can't pay rent with no job, but that's just mom talking! What do I know?

There is nothing we haven't tried with him. So, letting him have some of his money is just another tactic that we're trying. Week 2: Rent is due again. They are paying it bi-weekly. Two of the boys now have a job... BUT... it's the type of job that you actually have to get up out of bed for to be able to get in line at the facility and wait to see if you get to work that day or not... It's a CD packaging company that only takes a certain number of workers each day depending on how many shipments they have. When you sleep till 11:30 it's kind of hard to get in line, but that's just mom talking again. Again... Whadda I know?

So, guess what happened? Stephan knows he has more money... $212.00 to be exact. It's nearing Christmas and we are getting ready to head out of state to see family. Stephan decides not to go. We leave without him... I left a check for the remaining amount of all the money he had in the world! I told him to cash it the next day because the bank would be closed on Saturday.

I get a call in NC on "Saturday" from Stephan wanting to know where he can get this check cashed! I sighed.... I reminded him of what I said about cashing it on Friday! He wanted us to wire him some money... we refused. Long story short... he had to wait until Monday... he was hungry... he was penniless, but that's his problem. It's a learning experience!

Stephan wound up paying the second weeks rent as well. Now he really is penniless! Did that inspire him to look for a job? Somewhat! He put in two applications on line here when he came to visit and he went to meet with a manager of McDonalds, but he still does not have a job. At this point his friends owe him money... they still can't get up in time to go to work.

Week 3: Beer, drugs, girls... or maybe not in that order. Stephan was also caught stealing in Wal-Mart. He had stuffed a foot long sub down his pants. My friend, Lisa, who is on the management team there caught him. We'd already warned her that we thought he was stealing there... and he was caught! They did not prosecute, because it was under a certain dollar amount.

The next few days after this, Stephan was walking through the mall parking lot and was attacked by two guys in a car. They pulled up and accused Stephan of shooting them a straight finger. Stephan said he did not. They pointed at a car and told him he was driving that car when he did it! Stephan said he wasn't driving that car, that it wasn't even his car and he wasn't even driving any car, his friends had let him out! Plus, he told them that he wasn't even riding with anyone who drove that car! His friends drove another car! The guy slapped him. Stephan began to defend himself and was holding his own. Then another guy got out and hit him in the face twice!!

Stephan called us. We took him to the hospital to find out that his jaw was in fact broken and in four places! Richard has talked to authorities and creditable people here in town for advice and we have decided to press charges.

After Stephan moving out and everything- I secretly wanted him to come back home with his broken jaw, but I also thought that this is just another lesson he has to endure. I made up my mind that he would come to us about coming home. He did! We needed to get him to an oral surgeon. It was right before Christmas and both Doctors we were referred too were out of town- even the one on call! Yes, you heard me right! The doc assured me that his bones would be fine until the next Tuesday, but not let him chew anything and give him pain meds that the ER prescribed until then!

Stephan left again with a broken jaw, but after a week, finally asked if he could come home. He said he can't eat and he wanted to be home. I knew he couldn't eat! I worried over that so... You can't imagine how much! We told him he could and told him how it was going to be and he agreed for what that was worth. I know in my heart that I can't trust him... but I'm not going to let him starve. I want to take care of him! Who knows if all this didn't happen to protect him from something else? I don't know...

I took him to get all his stuff! I walked in this broken down trailer and there were at least 5 cases of beer! Stephan is so OCD when it comes to cleanliness and I honestly don't know how he was surviving there? Of course, when he's high, he doesn't care.

A nervousness came all over me... I almost started to cry, but I didn't. The beer, the broken jaw, just Stephan's lifestyle, the filth and nasty clothes all over the place- it all came crashing down upon me again and I felt so numb and hopeless all over again. BUT, I was glad I was taking him from this place.   

Tuesday came... I called to make the appointment for the consultation, they asked about our insurance and she made the appointment for that day! He went to the appointment and then we discovered that they don't except our insurance during the visit! I was pretty upset! When the lady asked about our insurance earlier that morning and I told her our carrier, she should have never made the appt. if they don't except it!!!! She should have told me!

So... we spent the better part of the day making phone calls to our insurance Co. and to Oral surgeons trying to find someone who would take our insurance. Finally, we did, but it meant "another" consultation on another day!

As I am making soups and stews and pureeing them for Stephan to eat, we wait.... I know that his teeth are probably going to have to be wired shut and I began to have nightmares. I woke up two nights in a row drenched in sweat, crying! One night I dreamed Stephan refused to go to the appointment and I was pleading with him, screaming and crying, begging him to go. The other night, I dreamed he had to throw up with his teeth wired shut and he was choking!

The emotional toll this is taking on me is effecting even my subconscious and it's just almost unbearable at times.

On top of this, I got a call the other day that my first cousin, Suzanne had OD'd and was on life support. Mama called and I almost just had to tell her that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was in no shape for more bad news. My pain levels were already skyrocketing. I am so glad that my cousin miraculously pulled through. The death of our friend's son has really affected me as well. There's so much in life I don't understand. I have a couple of good friends I talk too, but I'm careful. I don't offer too much information. Everybody has at least one good friend you know? I want people to pray, I don't want my son the focus of any gossip. I also have trust issues with women... They just talk too dang much! I am one and can admit this! I'm the only woman I know who can keep a secret if I'm asked too! God and my husband are the only ones who know my innermost feelings... well, and you reading this... I don't know you which makes it easy to express myself. I'm hoping I am making a difference by helping someone through their pain as I write to release mine...

I have felt myself drawing away from people lately and wanting to draw away from ministry! I feel overwhelmed and like I need a retreat. We have Family Ties and people need us on a regular basis. I have choir, which is one thing, but praise team which is another. Plus, my solo's. I feel overwhelmed at times. I don't want to be defeated, yet I am feeling this way! I want to remain strong and although I am knocked down. I want to get up again!

I have kept going for three years even while our whole church knows of what was going on with Stephan. The church knew, because we had to get up in front of our whole congregation one Wednesday night and speak about it Stephan selling Marijuana at church! I haven't wrote about it, I don't think. Stephan did, he brought it to church and sold it to two boys, our pastor's grandson and another boy. Someone saw and told. At first the police were involved. Secondly, the deacon's were involved trying to decide if they were pressing charges or not. Our pastor, Doug and his wife, Katy had disciple us. Our families were close. Their grandson had almost become a part of our family-like our third son.

I can't forget it, Richard, Stephan and I were basically coming up front along with our pastor and his wife and grandson. The other family as well. We were coming to confess- since it was a public offense and to talk about what happened. The police were involved, so to prevent here say, we didn't have a choice. Stephan refused to go with us. I was also already a nervous, pitiful wreck. I kept telling myself that only like 350 people would be there, not the usual thousand...so it would be easier! NO! Not at all. I felt nauseous heading to church that Wednesday night. Stephan had taken off on foot and ran away and we had to leave! Walking into that place and down the isle that night wouldn't have been any easier if I had came to church naked. It was that bad. My friend, Tammy embraced me once I made it all the way to the front row. Our pastor spoke first with Katy asking forgiveness and for prayer for all involved. Their grandson made a video that everyone watched asking forgiveness as well. The other family didn't come.. not sure why, so that meant we were next. I'd been on that stage singing many times, but facing the crowd that night was one of the hardest and humiliating things I've ever done. As Richard spoke, I let out a wail of a cry... I couldn't hold it back any longer. Richard was crying as well. Somewhere off in the distance, a lady was wailing with me. As much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I felt a support- in a cry of sympathy. Afterward, we were greeted with love. People who had been in our situation. Some people simply offering their prayers. Some people didn't know what to say, and that's ok. I can say that I left better than I arrived, but I didn't know how I could ever sing again. How could I show my face on stage after all that? Was I stained in other's eyes? The devil was as his best now.... Sometimes embarrassment can make you want to withdrawal, but I'm over embarrassment... I'm over pride... I have none left. I find myself just wanting to crawl up into the Fathers arms and just be comforted...

My heart is hurting today...

We did finally get Stephan to the right doctor. He had surgery and his teeth are completely wired shut! Dr. D confirmed my worst nightmare- which was that "if" he got sick and threw up- he could die! That's as plain as I know to say it. It's worse than a nightmare. I couldn't sleep the first two nights scared to death that the pain meds would make him sick! Richard even slept in the bed with him incase he did get sick. I have to say, he has done well... We are being very creative concerning food. I've made three pots of soup that we've pureed. We do Ensure, Boost, yogurt, pureed oatmeal and the list goes on! Even grits have to be pureed! I might should say liquefied! He has to be able to get it through his teeth completely closed shut!! It's harder than you may realize. Drinking through a straw has it's challenges too. Most people loose 20-25 pounds during this 5 weeks... Yes 5 weeks- but he's gained 3 pounds so far! I have a feeling that even though he's on a liquid diet, he's eating more now than he was when he lived on his own sad to say!

I need to search God's Word more for comfort and direction. I hate feeling as I do. It's such an oppressing feeling and I don't like it. This trial is getting to heavy to carry and I am weary and tired.

May the God of peace be with us today.

Tragedy

A few weeks ago, the son of some dear friends of ours died in a tragic car wreck. Karen and Jessie had just lost their only son, Nick. Karen works with Richard. We got the call around 10:00 for us to come to their house. Nick's girlfriend was in the car with him and she also died. I'm telling you dear friends, the cry of a mother who just lost her only son still rings in my ears. It's the cry of grief beyond anything I've ever heard. Karen and Jessie's son was a good kid. He was the life of any gathering. He was cordial and respectful, full of laughter and such a jokester! My son, Stephan and he had played golf together several times and have known one other since middle school. He was 17... I can't pretend to know God's plan or purpose for this. All I kept saying every time the thought of this tragic event entered my mind was," oh my God, oh my God... " There was no drugs or alcohol involved. There were no evident signs of anything that led to the wreck. It's a mystery... This wreck was on a straight road that ended in a head on collision and no one can seem to figure out how it happened. The only thing left to wonder about in my mind is if it was a dog or deer that ran out in front of his car and he swirved to miss it and hit an oncoming vehicle instead.

We walked upstairs and told Stephan of Nick's death right after we got the call. I knew this would be difficult news for him. Stephan wanted to go with us to see our friends. Stephan is pretty close to the Karen. She always talks to him when he comes into the plant, but it was still surprising that he wanted to go. I had reservations about him going. First, he was a teen and the sight of someone near her son's age could be painful. Secondly, she knows Stephan's struggles. She is the woman who found him laying in the parking lot at Richard's workplace that day. She has talked to Stephan in depth about getting things straight! Karen's mother, who is a drug and alcohol counselor in Florida has also been involved over the phone trying to help us in anyway she can. So, my second reservation also involved Karen seeing Stephan at her house knowing her son just died and my son lives a careless lifestyle and here he is standing in her living room- possibly wondering why this happened to her son when he tried to live life to the fullest! All I did know is that my friend loves Stephan, but I just didn't know how his presence would affect her or Jessie... under the circumstances.

I discussed my reservations with Richard. We didn't have a lot of time to weigh all the factors involved, but we decided to let him go. Richard said that in any situation it's best to err on the side of "being there for someone" and not worry about anything else. Stephan wanted to go. He could have just said he was staying home... He wanted to be there for them! Richard also said that if Karen or Jessie look back after their hearts have had time to heal a little that it would definitely be best that he "was" there and they will know that he wanted to be. What may be painful in the beginning will be a blessing later on. We hoped...

We walked in and held them both for the longest time. I still can't think about it without getting this huge lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart as it ached for them both. When she saw Stephan, she pointed at him, crying... lip quivering, and kept repeating... " You better... you.... you better straighten up." Part of me was not surprised she said this. I had prepared myself for it. The other part of me was glad she said these things. I didn't fully understand her pain, thank God. I never hope I do, but I was able to let her express her feelings and understand completely why she said it. She loves Stephan... but her son was on the right track doing all the right things and was taken from them. Here Stephan acts so careless with his life, yet it's been spared so many times. He had had 3 wrecks. I only hope that her words spoken in such pain and grief meant something to him. I hope they didn't hurt him. I hope he understood. I hate that my friend was in the situation that she had to speak those words. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them...

Oh Lord, hold them in your arms and bring them comfort during this time.