Am I being a Safety Net?

Am I a safety net for my child? I think I have been in a lot of ways. I know that I was when they were small. I believe all mothers are. We want to protect them and keep them from harm. We would jump in front of a moving train to protect our child!


One of the hardest things for a parent of teens to experience is letting go and letting your child "make" mistakes! This is how they learn, yes, but no parent wants their child to make huge mistakes! I'd say that most teens get by with a few dumb choices, maybe a wrecked car. Some teens, you ground them.. or take whatever disciplinary actions you deem is necessary and they begin walking the straight and narrow once again! : ) When you have a child as rebellious as mine, the rules change a bit. When the diciplinary actions of extreme measure are no longer effective, things take on a whole new twist!


I was e-mailing a friend of mine the other day who's son has also been through what Stephan is going through and is not quite out of the woods yet. She said that the Lord spoke to her one day as she was on her way to the "eye doctor" of all places! What she said in this e-mail, was what the Lord had been speaking to me about. I hadn't put it into words yet, but as I read this e-mail, I didn't have too, she did! This is what she wrote:


"I was driving to an eye appointment recently (very ironic that it was an eye appointment!) and as I drove by the school where I used to take Joshua for college classes, I commented to the Lord about how he has squandered so many opportunities. Immediately, the Holy Spirit reminded me that many, many years ago He had told me that He was removing Joshua's 'safety nets' so his faith would become his own. I remembered that vividly, but the next statement came as a shock. It wasn't a rebuke ... just information ... He said, "And you are his biggest safety net of all!" I had never seen myself as a 'safety net' because I'm his mother. I'm not sure what that all means, but I asked the Holy Spirit to show me how to (not) be a safety net. After I got back home ... my vision was definitely improved in more than one way ... : ) I pulled out an old prayer journal and found exactly what God had shown me in 2001. I was driving down the road and the vision was as clear as day. It was as if I 'saw' a match being struck and put to the foundation of his 'house.' I begged God for a little more time to instill truth in Him and God gave me almost another year. Here's what I wrote in response to the 'vision' ... I didn't even remember that God had given it to me. It was if He were saying it.

 This has to be
 before he can serve
 and go where I've called him to go.
 The foundation will stand
 anchored and sure,
 but the rest must be burned away
 revealing the depth of his need for Me.
 No other way to fill
 not friends, not things, nor drugs, nor drink ... only My perfect self.
 The real Joshu is there anchored and sure-
 no longer a run-away slave.
 Parted from you for a little while, but remember He's forever mine.
 God, you showed me these words several years ago

in a vision that darkened my soul.

 I begged you for days, which You graciously gave.
 But now is his time ... Don't delay!
 Use him, my Abba, for Your way it true.

I can trust You, yes, to the end.

 Draw him back with cords of love
 held by the Master's hand.

When my friend, mentioned "that God was removing Joshua's safety nets, so his faith could become his own," in the above e-mail. It hit me like a ton of bricks... it was conformation to what I had been feeling! Stephan is experiencing his "Street World" for many more reasons that I may realise. Her poem mentioned that "this has to be before he can serve and go to where I've called him too."  God had been speaking to me about this letting go process.. Stephan is anchored in the truths of God. Stephan knows Him...

What my friend said, perfectly described how I feel about what God is doing in Stephan's life. God is allowing Stephan to go through these things so his faith "can" become his own!

Stephan  was here for two days and he went out with a friend (an ok kid who lives with his grandparents.) We had started to allow him some freedoms and especially since this kid was our pastor's grandson! Anyway, he didn't come home at curfew, so... I went to the garage at 11:10 and got a tent and a sleeping bag and left it on the porch for him if he returned... then we went to bed! We told him if he misses curfew, he can't come in. He called the next day and said he feel asleep which is why he didn't come home or call.... ok, um, yeah...

We told him that he has so much trust to earn back- that we don't want him spending the night with anyone right now. The no drug, no alcohol rules to be able to have a place to stay applies everywhere! I told him that we would be forced by him to take him back to where he was last staying! I feel that he believes we will.  We have before! 

 I feel that for his faith to become his own, we have to be firm in our decisions as to our expectations of him living in our home. When he can't live here by his own choice, he will have no choice! Perhaps what he is learning out here in this street world of his will give him these reason's for choosing to serve God. 

From his own mouth: He 'has' learned that he doesn't want to live that way, but... it took us *letting* him live it.. to learn it!  I feel like if we provide somewhere for him to fall back on, this safety net, so to speak, it makes our rules or boundaries seem like a joke, which doesn't create a secure environment for him here.  It may only delay what the Lord may be doing. I just want to do our part.. and I will fervently pray protection over him daily in the meantime!

There hasn't been any drugs as we know of lately. He will be here as long as he wants to abide by the rules.  We've gone to look for him a car with him. He wants a full time job. We've talked to him about college again..  We will see what takes place in the days to come...  The choices are definately his...

 

The Prodigal- Wanting to Return Home

About a week ago, Richard and I were asleep. It was around midnight when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it only to find my Stephan on the other end repeating over and over, "You've got to come get me, it's crazy here! You GOTTA come get me!!!" He was sober. Part of me wanted to jump in the car immediately, because I knew the craziness he was talking about was the Bloods.. A gang that he was living with. You can run your fingernails down a chalkboard and the sound of hearing "the bloods" has the same effect on me. Although I wanted to run to the rescue, the other part of me hesitated. I asked him where he was and he told me. I felt that he may be in danger, which made me very nervous. We gave. It was a true safety concern at this point. We got in the car and drove by the house where he was and there was no sign of him! We didn't want to stop, because there were scary people outside and I can't say that we felt very comfortable even slowing down much to look for him! You see, Richard had a gun and I was told to lay in the backseat of the truck and not to show my head for any reason! We drove around the block and parked... waiting.. watching. We drove by once more and still, no sign of him. My heart was pounding. We drove through street after street trying to find him with no luck. We figured that he was in route to our house. Still.. no signs, so we decided to drive home! No sign of him! While we were there we went back in the house and looked at the caller ID and got the number that Stephan called us from. We were still very hesitant to call it, not knowing who would be on the other end of the line. Did they know Stephan was leaving? Did they care? Would he be in trouble with them if we called? Is he gagged and tied up in the trunk of a car? Has his body been thrown off a bridge? We decided to continue looking, so we drove back into town, but we went the back way, thinking he may have wanted to seem inconspicuous walking the other way, again... no luck!

We drove back by this same house very slowly. I'm still hunkered down. Richard stuffed the gun in his pants and told me he was going to go ask these people if they'd seen Stephan. I can't tell you that I've ever felt I might pee my pants, but I did that night. I actually feared for all of our lives! We drove back by and stopped in front of the driveway for an easier get away. Richard got out... Oh, how nerve racking! What was a two minute conversation seemed like a half an hour. I had no idea what I was going to do if they attacked my husband... no idea. Richard made it back to the truck and my anxieties began to fade the farther we drove away from that house!

The people said that Stephan left on foot and pointed in the direction he went. We searched again with no luck in finding him! We decided to finally call this number. It was a woman. She said that Stephan was at the house where we had just been no less than 20 minutes ago. She must live there too. When we drove back to the same house and he was out front. He had been beaten up by someone inside and he was drunk, although just a few hours ago when he called us in the middle of the night he was sober! I was so relieved that we found him and that he was ok, but the sound of his drunken voice was now beginning to disgust me- now that I knew he was alive! Now that we were ALL alive!!! Oh, the emotions we go through! We let him in our vehicle. As we drove, not knowing at this point we were even taking him home, he began to tell us about the guy beating him up and it scared us. We decided to give him a safe place to stay for the night. I have to say there was no use in talking with him that night. Talking to a drunk is like talking to a deaf person that can't read lips! We talked with him the next morning about him being sober when he called us and then drunk when we finally found him. He said after the guy beat him up, he got drunk! We asked him why of course, but its the same ole, same ole, lame excuses and lingo.... oh good grief. Help me Lord.

Richard and I had already told him weeks ago that he could not live in our home if he continued abusing drugs or alcohol. When your child has just been beaten up by The Bloods and you risked your life saving him, decisions are not easy to make friends, but Richard decided to take him back... yes, you heard me!  That was an extremely difficult decision to make as parents. We love him!! We want him well! We also can not provide a soft landing place for him to land every time he messes up! Richard decided to take him back to prove that we were not kidding about the rules of living in our home. Thinking of him with these people one more day was almost too much for me to bear. Taking him back was too much for me to bear. We made the decision together and prayed it would be an effective one.

Long story short, Stephan was with these people for yet another day. At midnight the very next night we get another call!! It is Stephan asking us if he can come home again! He "was" sober and he said that he had gotten beaten up again. The next visit to The Bloods wasn't quite as adventurous as the last, but this time when we picked him up, he was... still sober...! His ear was bleeding, he had been struck in the head and the side... He said that he "never wanted to go back there and that they were all crazy! He said he does not want to live with them or.. be like them! He said he wanted to follow our rules and live at home." I guess the "street world" wasn't what he chalked it up to be after all.

This is the first time we have ever heard him actually say these words about wanting to be home. Was this a turning point? Has he had enough of his "street world" as he put it in one of my previous posts? Still, as a mother, I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have to keep my guards up. My guards protect me from another let down. Yes, it's come to this...  If I abstain from feeling anything "hopeful" I will be ok...  I truly hate feeling this way, but he has so much trust to earn back. I feel that it will take quite a while.

The next day, I washed his sheets and cleaned his room for him as a nice surprise. Plus, I was also being a little deceitful. I wanted him to sleep on fresh, clean sheets in a nice clean room, so he would be glad to be in the comforts of home, hoping that it would make him more grateful to be "able" to be there.

Stephan's attitude toward me has changed I've noticed. I'm not sure why. It's like he loves me more, although I have been more firm with him. He hugs me more and longer as if he really wants a hug. He seems to respect me more. Perhaps he's missed me..  Perhaps he's realized how much I love him.

He seems to have learned something.  For now, I don't know what all that could be, but I do know that God is teaching me how to love him through this.

I suppose we'll see. I don't trust him. I hate to say it...

God grant me peace and give me strength for each new day....

It was a "God" Day!

We live in Alabama. Our house was within 10 miles of this torrential streak of tornadoes that ripped across our state with an unrelenting fury! Our power was out for five days... We only suffered inconvenience! A short distance from here, towns, houses and cars are shredded and scattered for miles! Richard and I drove through several devastated areas. It was so upsetting, the sights I saw literally caused me to be sick when we arrived back into town...

After the five days passed and our power was back on, I turned my heart toward helping those in need. I had made plans with my friend, Terri to go to the CCC, load a truck full of food and drive it to a town nearby for the people there. I prayed as I was getting myself ready that morning of how much I wish Stephan could go with me and what an awesome opportunity this could be for him to be able to go and for him to see what had just happened in the lives of people around him. I thought that it might spark something from inside of him.. something good. Maybe a chance to see how privileged he is and how fortunate he is to have a family who loves and cares for him and the fact he has a home! As you know, he abandoned his home about a month ago, unwilling to live according to our rules or to live within the boundaries set before him. He left...selfishly seeking what "he" thought to be freedom.

As I was preparing to leave the house, I set the house alarm, opened the door and shut it back, then I heard the phone ringing inside. I thought it might be Terri, so I ran back in and grabbed the phone and turned the alarm back off! To my surprise, it was Stephan!!! He wanted to know if I'd come pick him up. I told him where I was headed and asked him if he wanted to go.. he said, "Yes!"  I thanked God all the way to my car and all the way to where he was! It was like, Boom, answered prayer!! Oh, how I began praying for what lied ahead of us that day and how I prayed for Stephan's heart to be opened, moved, touched, something! Maybe helping others would in turn, give him a sense of purpose and direction for his own life.

I picked him up at a gas station. We went to meet Terri, drove to the CCC, loaded up and headed West! With a GPS and written directions, we got lost! It was a "God-thing" that we got lost. As we drove through an area of total devastation, the three of us were in awe of what were seeing. I began to tear up as I saw people pilfering through the rubbish that they once called home. It was heart breaking. We were trying to find the Fire Department, but wound up at a site where some one's house "used to be." Terri had went to a camper on site to see if we were at the right place. As Stephan and I waited, we saw a woman. We began talking to her and discovered that the house that was now- no more than a concrete slab- belonged to her son. She explained that it took him five years to build his house. You could hear the pain in her voice as she spoke. I told her that I was so sorry and that my heart was breaking for her. I began to ask her if she needed anything and she mentioned a few things. I told her that we had new pillows... When she mentioned that she could definitely use some, Stephan, Terri and I walked to the truck and got the things she needed. We were also able to get things for her neighbor who had a baby. As we were saying our good byes and began to leave, Stephan threw up his hand as to wave at the woman and said, "God bless ya'll!" I knew God was working for those words to pass his lips...

We finally made it to the Fire Dept. where Stephan helped us unload everything! Terri had offered to make homemade laundry detergent and bring five gallons back Saturday.. although she was coordinating a wedding that day as well! She was also inquiring about other area and what types of help they needed. When we got back into town, Terri and I were talking to the CCC director about the things we saw, people we spoke too, that our delivery was successful, etc. Stephan was incredibly impressed with my friend Terri. When we left, he said, "Mom, is she always like that?" I looked at him and said, "like what?" He said, "just so willing to help no matter what she has going on in her own life and like she wants to jump in and save the world!" I said, "Well, yes, actually she is always like that!" He was like, "wow.."  He said, "Well, I guess 'I' did a good deed today."  I said, "Yes, you certainly did..."  I could tell that God was working inside of him and that Stephan was glad that he went. We talked a little more about what we saw that day and how close we came to it being us! I told him that no matter what we could do, it just didn't seem like enough, because there were so many people hurting and so many people with needs. I told him I was glad we were able to touch one family... and we were able to help in a small way with the food for the community. He agreed...

I had gotten three gallon sized zip-loc bags from church the previous Wednesday. Each bag had a label on the outside listing things to buy. It was toiletry items for the tornado victims. When we arrived back into town, we went to two stores to buy the things we needed. Stephan earnestly helped pick out the items... and never complained once!

As we drove home he began telling me about living in the "corporate" world. Now, I was totally unsure of what this term meant! He explained that people living in the corporate world were people trying to "live the American dream, people that wanted to go to college and pushed themselves to be more." He said that he wanted to learn the "street world." Well, the words, "street" and "world" combined into a compound word scare this mama to death! He said that he was teaching the people he was "hangin" with how to live in the corporate world. He explained that they do not know how to communicate or how to interview for jobs or anything... they just "thug it" day by day. Meaning: They do whatever it takes to make what money they need for that day and that day alone... and they do it everyday! He said, "I don't wanna live that way!"  I tried to watch what I said- as we had made so much progress this day already. I said, "Then how "do" you want to live?"  He said, he wanted to live in the corporate world, but he wanted to learn about both worlds, so he could understand lots of people, how people think and how to relate to different people. He said he wanted to be a well-rounded person!
He said... "I need to know how to be able to talk to all kinds of people in case I'm a preacher one day!"

I was internally, utterly, not hardly able to contain my happiness... speechless! I was trying not to seem too overwhelmingly ecstatic. With Stephan, sometimes agreeing with him when he verbalizes an idea of such wondrous magnitude, then pushing his own idea upon him causes instant rebellion on his part and he wants to turn the conversation completely in the opposite direction. I simply smiled and said,  "Well that could certainly happen!"  That was the right thing to say...  It was enough to where the idea still hung inside his mind and nothing snatched it away! --although I secretly didn't want him "thugin" it with the thugs to teach them a thing or two... Help me Jesus!

I will have to say... we had a very "God" day and I pray for many other "God" days just like this : )  Just being able to step outside of himself and help someone else did so much for him. It caused him to "think" about a lot of things. Seeing the light of Christ through my friend Terri caused him to look inside himself for the same qualities. Qualities that one can only possess by allowing Christ to live within you and through you...

Our day ended by me taking Stephan back to his "street world." Oh, you don't know how hard that was. I never imagined I could ever do such a thing and think it was best for my child... for the time being anyway. I see this "street world" as evil, but also, as I place my trust in God, I see it as a refiners fire... God is going to use that boy one day! The Father is breaking him down, gently churning his heart, taking out all the impurities and is in the process of molding Stephan into who He has created him to be... for His Glory!

My favorite scripture verse is coming to mind and I'll end by posting it... It seems to be so fitting for my hearts cry for my son. It lets me know that God has Stephan's best interest in mind. It gives me hope. It also seems so fitting in a way that displays God's love for His children.. His love for Stephan. God does have a plan for his future and God... knows the path that will take him there...

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Praying for Repentance

Stephan is still living on his own. He still hasn't got a car. There is a hold up on his title, so we are not able to complete things with the insurance company as far as getting the check for his car. He calls regularly wanting to do some odd jobs for money. We have let him, but today, my husband drew another line. We can't continually allow him to work for us. He must get a job. He's put in three applications, but no luck. Richard told him that he wouldn't allow him to work today. We feel as if it is allowing him to postpone some real hard core choices that he must make for himself! It hurts not to help, but we can not enable him either.

We've had our security alarm activated on our house... We just can't trust him. Not right now. I tell you, nothing hurts a mother's heart more than a wayward child. I love him so much, but can't assist him in any way that will help him in this situation he has chosen for himself!

Richard and I discussed the Prodigal Son once again yesterday. The son was repentant when he returned. Every time Stephan comes to our home, something breaks! He broke the windshield in my Richard's truck with a basketball when he came for a visit. He broke the water hose nozzle. He lost the spring out of the weed eater Saturday. They searched and searched and could not find it. Richard recognizes the enemy when he sees him.

Richard was praying for Stephan out in the yard while he was looking for the spring the next day. As soon as he said the words, "the prodigal son was repentant, but Stephan is not," he found the spring! It was like it was God's way of showing him that our prodigal might be on our property, but he has not returned and he is not repentant!

Oh, how I pray for a repentant son... God speak to him. Allow him to know you are there. Allow him to see your hand. May it be unmistakable! Lord, keep him safe.... Protect him from himself.

The Prodigal Son/ Tough Love

I am asking myself what Stephan is learning from being away from home this time? The last time he learned that he couldn't afford to live on his own. Right now, he has no job... yes, you heard me right! He has no car.. he just wrecked it... yes, you heard me right again! Is he learning he can't afford to live on his own again? No, he already knows it, it's just a reminder...

Richard and I sat in the living room last night. It was storming, so Richard turned all the lights off. We have these glass windows up on the wall in the living room, so we enjoyed quite a light show as we had our coffee! The topic of our discussion was the Prodigal Son...

Luke 15: 11-32:
"11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. 13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. 25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' 28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ 31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Richard and I talked about this son. The prodigal thought he knew what he wanted. His father gave him what would be due him and let him go. He ran through his money through riotous living, he tried to find work, no one would give him anything, he was starving! It took him making all kinds of mistakes to come to repentance. "He came to his senses" the Bible says. I am feeling like if we try and protect Stephan it is just prolonging this "coming to his senses" state of mind! God knows, I don't want him hurt... Oh, my goodness... I pray the Lord's protection on him. I pray that God would protect Stephan from his own sinful self and the things he is doing!

Setting rules and boundaries does protect our children. Children who want to be protected follow the rules and stay within the boundaries governed by their parents. Now, do they stray as tots or teens? Some, not too far, but others, you bet! But.. do they cry their eyes and apologize over and over.. as they veer back to their senses. In most cases, yes. In cases like our son's... no! I'm not a child psychologist, so I can't really ramble on and on about the "why's" in any scenario... I only have my child and the experiences with him to go on. I do know that every child is different... What we do with our son may not necessarily be what yours needs and vice versa!

We discussed letting him have the rest of his money, which isn't much.... but he has asked for it and knows we have it. Part of me is like no!! He will squander it... He has insurance to pay.. he should go to college... etc. Right now, he's not interested in insurance- he has no car! He's not worried about college either! I definitely don't want him breaking in and trying to find it.. although it's in the bank!! but... "IF" we gave it to him and he squandered it like the prodigal son.. "IF" he has no more friends to stay with and no money to buy drugs -or- food for that matter, will this make him "come to his senses?" Would knowing he has no home, no money left in the world, no means to travel or get to a job cause him to repent? I don't know....

I long for the day that I can say, " My son who was lost, is now alive again... he was lost but now he is found...."

Love is tough sometimes... I guess that's why they call it tough love!

"Oh Lord, give us the wisdom that we need to make the right decisions for Stephan. You love us... and when we sin, you chasten us.. because you love us. You are our Great Shepherd who lovingly directs us when we stray. Use us as your vessels to direct our son back into your arms once again." In Jesus Name... amen

Our First Stab and Rehab, Grief and Decisions...

I haven't posted in a while. I need to post everyday, because something happens everyday and I learn something.. everyday! So much has happened. I think with everything that "has" gone on since February, it's easy to imagine myself fainted on the floor from mental exhaustion! I haven't fainted yet! I truly believe the Lord has sustained me. There can be no other explanation...

As I sit here right now, Stephan is gone... My husband asked him to leave- again. We don't really look at is as "we kicked him out." We look at it as- he chose not to follow our rules, which are: 1) Curfew is 11:00. 2) You must come home sober. 3) Because of the current situation, you may not "spend the night" with any friends. 4) If you miss curfew, you cannot come into our house. 5) If you come home high, you may not come into our house. 6) You may not do drugs on our property.


Now, these are pretty simple rules... We made rule #3 just incase he thought he'd be smart and think he could call us to see if he could spend the night with a friend when he knew he might be late or high..


We've made rules similar to these before... and he chose not to live by the rules once before and Richard helped him pack! He was gone for about four days. He learned nothing other than he couldn't afford to live on his own!

Well, we have come to this place once again.... Since February, he has failed drug tests at his probation visit, another wreck--he wrecked his jeep, he quit a job then got another one, he continues any and all drugs, he's been assessed by a Drug Rehab Facility who said he needed impatient, he's ran away from home, wrecked ANOTHER car... he's threatened to commit suicide over a girl, he's gotten into a fight inside Taco Bell, ran into this kids house one night in front of his parents and was threatening to beat him up. He came to his brother's wedding rehearsal high... both of our families were in town. Richard spent two nights- almost all night outside on foot, up and down the street trying to reason with him while he's hitting street signs and mailboxes with a golf club keeping us all awake, including Richard's sister, mother and brother. I was inside hearing Stephan screaming and dings and dongs on anything metal in our neighborhood! We had a wedding we were getting ready for. We had to call 911 three times that night but he was "doing nothing wrong!" We called 911 again on the day of our son's wedding about an hour before the bridal march, because he was committing suicide again. We had a cop on the way and a friend and my sister, Cindy. Cindy was able to coax him to the wedding- barely- they sat in the back. Stephan was high...

Planning a wedding and trying to deal with a son in Stephan's situation has had me completely... well, I don't know the word.. A word that describes complete joy and complete sadness and utter despair all at the same time.. Well, I guess there isn't a word for that.


The girl that I described earlier- the one he threatened to take his own life over. I was desperate to love her in the beginning. It was what I felt I should do. I wanted to also make Stephan feel as if I liked her. I had my doubts that she was good for him. But was he good for her? I made her feel at home. She ate meals with us. We later found out that she was also doing drugs with Stephan... and they had sex ..and lots of it. Long story short, she has a bad habit of getting with other guys when she and Stephan were in an argument. She don't go home, throw herself across her bed and cry for days... She goes and sleeps with other guys! This will explain Stephan's second wreck, the fight at Taco Bell and running into the guys house that I wrote about earlier. I wonder why he cares about her so much... she has hurt him deeply and blames Stephan for HER behavior! She was there the night of his wreck and acted as if she was so concerned for Stephan that he had a wreck and the fact he was suicidal that night. I knew why he wrecked and knew why he was suicidal as I spoke to her. My flesh wanted to say to much to her... but the spirit within me held my tongue! She was on her way to this guys house, which is why Stephan wrecked!!!! He passed her.. and ran into a truck that was pulling into a driveway... No, that was not smart. Should he have done that? NO... Right after the wreck and all of her concern, she went to this guys house anyway! I just can't see why Stephan doesn't tell her to take a hike... a long one!

About Rehab: Yes, they told us he needed impatient. Impatient involves two weeks of intense counseling, classes, etc. You live there.... He did NOT want to go! I did not care that he didn't want to go. As parents, you want what's best for your child. You want what will help him or her. When you have a child on drugs you are almost in a grievous state of mind. It "is" grievous! You are desperate! Well, he told us he would commit suicide if we made him go. My brain was telling me that I must send him, but my heart was afraid for what he might do... Then I began to reason with myself. Was he manipulating us? If he is, then he must go! Will he commit suicide somehow? Then, we've got to find another way! The turmoil that we go through just to make the right decisions is what makes this process so "grievous!" At times I feel like he is manipulating us and I feel as if my hands are tied. Then I ask myself, "How in the world did we get here? How can we be in a place where there are no boundaries? How did we get to a place with our son where he breaks every rule and has no respect for us?" I have come to a few healthy conclusions on that. We got here, not because we didn't set boundaries or set rules in place, we got here because that's where he led us. His choices and decisions got us here. His love for drugs got us here.

I went to the Drug Rehab Facility, I signed the papers... He was to begin the very next day! Because he was in Celebrate Recovery, they decided to do outpatient so he didn't have to miss. In outpatient, you have to be there Mon- Thurs from 5-9 each night. Family night is Tuesday night. You also must be in two other meetings per week such as AA or NA... They were going to let Celebrate be one of them, so we had to find a local NA meeting...

The day we were to start, he took off on foot through the woods right when we were supposed to leave. I called Richard and when he got home we got in the car and went looking for him. If you can believe this, we drove about 8 miles, turned into a subdivision and THERE he was! It was like a miracle. He was stunned... well, so were we! God is good... I had to call and cancel our first meeting, because it was apparent we were not going to make it.

During this week, previous to the actual start day, Richard and I had talked to a few friends. Friends who have been in rehab and are now serving God, friends who've had a spouse in rehab who are now serving God and friends who have children in rehab. We keep getting the same advice. The advice is: Rehab must be a Christian facility. They also tell us that Stephan must be willing to go. If he is "not" willing, we are wasting our time, money, etc... Part of me is like, well, what do we do in the mean time if we don't send him? I also feel like forcing him to go! I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that if we send him unwillingly, when he gets out, he will come running to us, embrace us, and tell us he is do glad we sent him!!!

OK, back to the moment we found him... We are on the street where we just found him. He is telling Richard again that he will commit suicide. In desperation to help him, Richard tells him that we must get a plan... something.. He told him he needs help. Stephan will admit he needs help, but the next day, he's off for the next high! He is in constant battle within himself! Some moments he wins, most moments he looses! Richard told him that in order to help him that we MUST stay firm with rules and boundaries and in order to live in our home, he has to attempt to stay within his limits and live by the rules. One rule is Celebrate Recovery every week! Stephan agreed... No friends was another rule, Stephan agreed. No drugs... He actually agreed! Now, I'm not naïve... I truly knew this would be an issue at some point. But.. we were on a path... leading to where, I did not know. All I knew was that we were all three on the same road, headed in the same direction... that felt good for a change. Things went well for about a week. He did fail his next drug test at the probation office, but we were prepared for that. He spoke to his probation officer about our plan and she was positive about the whole thing. Stephan and Richard were both working on his Celebrate Recovery material each week before the meetings. Richard wanted to make sure he was working through this and he was. Richard was not reading what Stephan wrote in his book. This is private.. but Richard noticed at a glance it started out as a few words... later on paragraphs!

We were on a good path... We had decided and still do believe that Rehab will not work for Stephan until he is at rock bottom and asking to go! People in Celebrate will tell you that you must be willing to go! You have to be "willing" to go to Celebrate as well!! Unless someone wants help, they may go along with the program, but will not receive help. I have seen or heard of so many people go through rehab only to get out and relapse... but it is because they weren't totally willing to go on their own. That's just where we are now...

He started lying about Celebrate Recovery not having the meetings on Sundays. He said they canceled it. However, there were no other classes at church either one particular Sunday, so we believed him. Another Sunday passed and he had another excuse as to why the meeting was canceled. Richard went immediately to talk to the director who told us that classes are NEVER canceled for any reason! The only reason for classes being canceled is if Christmas Day falls on a Sunday for there to be no classes at night.. or Christ comes back! Thus, started our walk in the other direction once again.... Richard lovingly helped him pack.. which is why my post began with the fact that Stephan isn't living here once again.... He told us he did not want to follow our rules... so here we are... again.

Parenting Teens... CR..and transitions!

Stephan knows how the enemy works, he recognizes the enemy in his life... he just doesn't know how to fight! If he doesn't surrender his life completely he will not have the power!

Stephan has started a class at church. It's part of our Celebrate Recovery Program. There are several groups. His class is all adult men I think. Confidentiality is critical, so I'm not very sure, but think it's all men. I believe that God is going to use this in more ways than one! I've talked to several women who have been through this for various reasons and they say that this helped them to peel back layer after layer and also really helped them to discover who they were. Most importantly helped them to discover who they were in Christ! They fully understood God's forgiveness and freedom from guilt and shame!

I truly hope Stephan will begin to mature in this cocoon he has built around him and break forth as a beautiful butterfly- I pray he spreads his wings and soars as he begins to walk with the God who loves him more than anyone ever could and created him for more than he could have ever imagined! Please pray for him... and for us! Through this, our roles as parents have changed so much! I could write a book on that... When their small, you lead, teach and train, but when they are young adults you have to break away from that. That's the part that's been especially hard for me. Stephan's been led, taught and trained! When he makes mistakes I have found that I have blamed myself in the past... I didn't lead, teach or train right in some way!! I have finally come to the place to where I realize he's making mistakes because he wants too. It's not really a mistake, it's a choice! We are having to allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions. We can't fix things for him... if we do, he will not learn anything!

We've transitioned from parent to partner I guess you could say. God has taught me so much about unconditional love... As a mom, you know it's not hard to love your children unconditionally! In the process of all the parenting roll changes around here, I have been reminded again, that God does not continually remind us of our bad choices. He chastens us.. but as our shepherd, he guides us and loves us unconditionally even when we stray. It's easy to love a child making all the right choices, and it's easy to love a child making bad ones! What's hard, is that when they make bad choices, we want to revert back to the teaching and training mode. Most of the time this involves reminding the child of past wrongs with the "hopes" of changing the outcome of future choices! We could consider that good! ... Nope, God keeps no records of our wrongs... He works with us where we are and guides us as we find our way back to Him. Reminding a young adult of their mistakes over and over only discourages them of any desire to do better and extinguishes any spark of hope. I have learned that it doesn't help or encourage... or teach them anything they don't.. already.. know.

Celebrate Recovery, 12 Steps

Stephan will be off probation in a month. Its been a year! We've discussed his failed drug tests with the probation officer. They talk rehab, but don't press it. Stephan personally knows several kids who have been and out of rehab like walking through a revolving door! That's no comfort to me as he laughs about it. His "friends" don't take it seriously either.

Since we found out about the Black Magic he had been smoking we have decided that after probation, he needs to find himself in another atmosphere of encouragement, accountability and partnership. I had mentioned Celebrate Recovery before, and after Richard and I talked it over again we think this is where he needs to be. The question is: Is this where Stephan thinks he needs to be? After talking it over with the director and a few others who have been through the program, the answer for us is this is where he needs to be and at his age... we decide where he needs to be. He didn't want to go... but he went the first night. Richard will be going through the book with him at home as well for added help. We were told that if we can get him to come, that a few visits may allow Stephan to see that this "is" where he needs to be. He will receive love, not judgement. He will receive encouragement, not condemnation. He will find true love through Christ and forgiveness.. and a sense of worth and purpose in this world. I am praying that Stephan will get so much from this. We have to try everything we can before he's out of our home... He needs Christ... He will not get Christ at Rehab, or counseling. We tried counseling... Now, counseling may work great for some, but in our case.. it didn't. Stephan didn't like the guy and wouldn't go back to see someone else. Celebrate Recovery is a Christ Centered group similar to AA, but Christian...

What is Celebrate Recovery?

"Celebrate Recovery was founded in 1991 by Pastor John Baker of Saddleback Church with the goal of overcoming habits like sex disorders and drug addictions with a twelve-step program based on Christian principles. Other churches and some prisons implemented the program, and as of March 2004 more than 150,000 people are said to have participated. At the Faith-Based and Community Initiative Conference in 2004, U.S. President George W. Bush praised Celebrate Recovery as being able to "change hearts" where government cannot.
Although Celebrate Recovery meetings are similar to those of other twelve-step programs, one difference is in their focus on Christianity. The program stresses that there is no other Higher Power except for Jesus, as opposed to groups like Alcoholics Anonymous which encourage members to choose their own concept of a Higher Power. Another difference is that Celebrate Recovery does not require one to conform to a singleness of purpose declaration, a member does not have to qualify oneself as an alcoholic, addict, or gambler—there are no requirements for membership. You may attend with a desire to work the steps for healing with any number of "hurts, hang-ups or habits" (compulsive behaviors)."


Lord, please use this to speak to Stephan. Help him to see that you are love and that he is loved. Help him to seek after you with his whole heart. Help him to find you... May he be embrased by You through those who seek to help him. Help him to begin to want to help himself. It's only until then that he will recieve help at all... In Jesus Name, Amen...

Black Magic

Since my last post we have come to a heart-wrenching discovery. For a few weeks I have smelled this smoky, weird smell on Stephan at times. He smokes cigarettes, in which I have said before, "that this seems to be the least of our worries right now!" Of course, I want him to stop and as any mother would do, I have told him all the risks, all the side effects and health hazards...
But... he still commits to smoke.

When I asked him about the funny smell, he said that he had changed brands of cigarettes. I guess you can call it women's intuition... or "mothers" intuition... None the less, this "intuition" of sorts was leading me to believe that he was lying! I told Richard and it just so happened that Stephan was outside smoking, so Richard went out to see if he could see anything or.. smell anything. He was caught red-handed.

The next hour or so consisted of Richard searching his room and "lecturing" him! At least that's what Stephan calls it anyway... Lecturing in our book consists of speaking of his life and the consequences of his actions on himself and his health. Richard reminds him of his relationship with Christ and how the enemy works and is seeking to destroy him, ETC...! Anyway, as all the "lecturing" was taking place, I was in my usual spot, which is sitting at the top of the stairs listening in. I'm a nosey mom.. When it was over, I came down to the PC and looked up this "Black Magic Enemy" that has taken hold of my child.

This is an article that I found: "Seemingly perfectly legal and clearly marked as “Herbal Incense" 18+ and not for human consumption, people are getting high off smoking Black Magic Smoke.

Marketed all over the internet as a natural blend of ingredients such as Damiana, Blue Lotus, Passion Flower, Baybean, Lemon Grass, Dwarf Skull Cap, Indian Pennyworth, Marshmallow and Pink Lotus; Black Magic Smoke is widely suspected as being treated with a synthetic THC. Like marijuana, Black Magic Smoke is reportedly being smoked by all ages and backgrounds. Easily obtained in local ‘head shops’, it is especially popular with the young high school age group. Also, because it does not show up on traditional drug screening tests, Black Magic Smoke has gained popularity with people on parole, in the military and even professionals wanting to get high without the risk of getting caught.

Although Black Magic Smoke is considered legal in most states several have started combating this legal high with legislation banning the substance."

Another Article: "Sold under names like Supernova, Spice, Genie, Zohai, and Spirit, the incense is even sold by the gram, just like marijuana. Blends of K2 include Blonde, Citron, Summit, and Standard, just to name a few kinds.

Is There Any Harm in Smoking K2?
The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) describes the effects of marijuana on the brain in the NIDA website article, "NIDA Info Facts: Marijuana" (no author, 7/09). "... marijuana intoxication can cause distorted perceptions, impaired coordination, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, and problems with learning and memory."

Marijuana increases the heart rate and irritates the lungs in much the same way as tobacco use causes respiratory problems for smokers. Marijuana may also affect mental health, contributing to depression, anxiety, and even schizophrenia.

K2 is stronger and more dangerous than marijuana. The drug moves quickly from the lungs into the bloodstream where it is carried to other parts of the body, including the vital organs."
I was mortified! I e-mailed Stephan several sites that I had found, warning him of the risks!

I just don't understand.... I just don't understand..... I don't understand why he continues this path? I know it's sin and a sin that he struggles with... I wish he would turn from it. I wish he would with all my heart

My heart was broken all over again and the hopelessness and helplessness returned.

I sat at the top of the stairs just looking at the floor below thinking that we can talk, lecture, whatever you want to call it, but the cold, hard truth is: It's something he has to change and as much as I want to take this burden from him.. I can't! Only God can if Stephan surrendered his life to Him.

My heart was flooded with emotion and questions: When will he surrender? Is this a teen- phase he is going through? Will he make awesome decisions in a few years when he "grows up?" Does he need rehab? Will this lead him down a darker path? Will he eventually learn from what is going on now, or will it "take" a darker path to force him to look up to God, who is his only help? When will this end? Will he wind up in Jail? I know that God has a plan for his life. When will this plan start unfolding? Is it unfolding now and I just can't see it? Gracious... I just want my son well.

I am laying him at the altar. God, he's yours... My trust is in You. I am powerless, You are powerful! I am nothing, You are everything. You know the plans you have for my son, plans to prosper him, not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11. God I claim your promises! Help me to be the mother he needs me to be! Forgive me in my own failures as a child of Yours. Help me, comfort me, guide me... I need you desperately. Stephan needs you desperately. God, lead Richard as Stephan's father. Give him wisdom in how to handle situations as they occur. Direct his heart.. Help us both to parent him as you parent us... Help us to love him as you love us... I love you God from the depth of my soul...

Amen

You're Not a Bad Parent

I posted a video yesterday (Henry's Story.) I can't get something his mother said off my mind. She said that a lot of people attribute teen drug use to bad parenting, which she said, is absolutely not true. I think she also said that people say that if teens use drugs, the "teen" is just a bad kid. I am not quoting here... but of course, like she said, neither is true.

The reason I can't get it off my mind is because it's funny the things you learn as you walk with the Lord. The things you learn about yourself and about others. It's also funny the things you learn from experience. I honestly used to believe that if you taught your children all the things they need to know growing up; that what was poured and planted into them would eventually cause gazillions of "sprouts of goodness" to grow from their heads and that nothing would ever go wrong!   I have to admit, I struggled for a long time when we discovered Stephan was using. I thought "I" had done something wrong and I constantly asked myself the question, "Where did I go wrong?"

When your child reaches adolescence, we have to remember that all that goodness is still in there, but the child doesn't always choose to "prune" all of those "sprouts" growing out of their wee little heads!!!! Sometimes, it seems that they whack em' off at the root and burn the stump! Why do they want to go against what has been ingrained in them? Well, just as Adam and Eve fell into sin, so have we.. and so do our kids. We all have a sin nature. This nature rears it's ugly head in different ways for everyone.

Seeing Stephan struggle in this area has truly given me compassion for anyone going through any type of struggle. It's so easy to sit back and judge, but the truth is, what may seem easy to me may be tremendously hard for someone else. We all have our vices and crosses we bear. I'm sure things I personally struggle with may be a walk in the park for some others!!

I am a singer... I don't talk about that a lot, but it's one of my callings and my ministries. I sing on occasion for an organization called Celebrate Recovery or CR. We go to a fairly large Baptist church and CR is held at our church on Thursday nights. You can find CR's all over the US. When I'm asked to sing, I attend the worship secession of course and I sing a special during part of that service. Afterward, everyone breaks up into small groups. I'm not part of that, so I can't tell you what all that entails.

All I do know is that I love being around people who are open and honest about their struggles. The worship service is "freeing." You feel free to be exactly who you are, warts and all. We come to the cross - warts and all. Jesus forgives us- warts and all. The difference between certain Christians and Christians in CR is that the ones in CR have no more pride, because they openly admit to their struggles. They know now that nothing can separate them from the love of Christ. They know that they now have a savior who has paid the price for their sins and all has been forgiven! They worship, serve and seek help, because they have been freed from the guilt of sin. They truly understand Grace... and Mercy. They continue their journey through life by attending CR to overcome and maintain. There are some Christians in churches today living a lie. Seeking to protect their image in the community or their reputation among believers. Dear people, my husband often uses this analogy: "The church is a hospital for Christians" and in some ways it is. You don't have to "have" your life right before you can be part of a church, but you can't "get" your life right either until you are part of the church of Jesus Christ. ~Giving Him your heart is the first step. Their is healing in His hands. It's so freeing to come alongside other believers to have accountability and unconditional love.

Stephan doesn't understand all this. He says he hates church. He told me that last night. He was hurt by some of the youth members at church who say they love God, but then turned their backs on him. He calls them hypocrites out of hurt. I know that he doesn't understand, but they are growing.. just as he is. I've tried to explain that to him, but I can't change the fact that he was hurt. On the other hand, I am overwhelmed by the amount of adults who speak with him, talk with him, pray for him... I have people to ask how he is doing all the time. I've never been in a church quite like ours. I pray that very soon, Stephan will understand what it means to raise his hands and know that their is freedom, not condemnation in Christ. God doesn't want him to feel condemned, but loved. I hope he can grow to this point soon.

He tells me that his life is not right with God and that he's not going to pretend that it is, like some of his friends. You know, I'm so proud of him for that. You know what that tells me? It tells me that when he does get his life right with God- it will be real! I couldn't ask for anymore than that! As I said in my last post, He led my eight year old nephew to the Lord just last week! He knows the truth. (The way, the truth and the life!)

I have to believe that somewhere in that head of his, sprouts are rooting where seeds have been planted! I pray that very soon, these seeds begin take off and grow. Good parenting is planting seeds... that's it. It's up to our children to cultivate, prune and maintain the growth. It's part of growing up... If you're planting, then good job parent! ...You are doing all the right things!

A letter to Stephan

The following letter is a letter I wrote to Stephan today. During Christmas, we went to my mother's house. My sisters children came over and spent the day with us. Jade is 14, Isaiah is 8. Jade nor Isaiah have grown up in church and have never even heard the gospel of Jesus Christ.... except from me. I have talked to Jade numerous times, but it's hard for her because our talks are not being cultivated by any other source. Living nine hours from her, it's hard to keep a relationship going except by facebook, e-mail and letters in the mail- which I have made a point to do through the years.

When we visit NC, Isaiah has taken to Stephan, especially in the last two years. I can tell by his eight year old expressions that he thinks Stephan is just SO cool!! He wants Stephan to play with him and wants to impress Stephan with things he knows how to do. Little boys are so impressionable at his age. I was so proud of Stephan for taking the time this Christmas to "play" with Isaiah and make him feel excepted.. silly giggles and all!

I noticed that Stephan and Isaiah stayed in the back bedroom for quite sometime. My husband went in there a few times and was told to leave... that they were talking. After about an hour Isaiah came into the living room, looked at Richard and said, "Do you pray... like everyday?" Richard was sort of taken by surprise, but told him that as a matter of fact, he does! Isaiah began to ask Richard question after question... He showed Richard a piece of paper he had in his pocket. Richard noticed it was Stephan's handwriting. Stephan had wrote down how to be saved and make Jesus Christ your Savior. He wrote scripture after scripture.... I had never been so proud. Isaiah told Richard that Stephan and he had prayed "what was on that paper" in the bedroom. Ok, tears.... tears!

Richard began to tell Isaiah (with Stephan in the room) all about Jesus and why he was born. He told him the Christmas story.. a story he had never heard. Isaiah wanted Stephan to buy him a "kids Bible" so that he could understand God. Now that we are home, we are getting it shipped to him from Stephan.

My heart is exploding with joy.... Stephan knows so much truth, yet he deny's God's power in his own life at times. He knows others need Him and leads them to Him, yet he runs.

I am reminded that God answered a prayer of mine a while back, a prayer that let me know that He in fact has a mighty plan for Stephan's life. It was on the day he got his drivers license. I sat there on a bench in the courthouse and prayed for Stephan as he went to take his drivers test. I prayed that the work that God started in Stephan years ago would be completed one day. I prayed for God's plan for Stephan's life... When Stephan came back, the officer said there was something special about Stephan and that God had a plan for his life! Ok, Knock me down! Such a God moment. And you know, Stephan has such great potential, he's the only one who can't see it at times. God does have great things in store.... it was confirmed.

I stumbled across this heart wrenching video today and I wanted Stephan to watch it. The boy, Henry, died at the age of 18 from a long struggle with drug addiction in which he finally overdosed and passed away. It is a sad video and I cried for Henry's family. I sent it to Stephan for two reasons I guess. This first reason I never mentioned to him of course... but I hope he sees that drugs are a dead end street and how easy it was for this young boy to get to a point of no return. I hope he sees how much this family loved Henry and miss him terribly. The second reason, the main reason is hoping that he can see that he wants more out of life... I want him to say to himself that "God's put me here for many reason's... I know so much about drugs, about the habit, about the addiction. Perhaps I can tell my story to hopefully help guys and girls steer clear or to think about how much life "is" worth living and drugs are not worth doing!" I hope he sees that drugs are not a game to toy with one's life with and that he has the ability to help others that could be struggling with the same things that he is/has gone through. I hope he sees that with God, he can have victory over his struggles by helping others overcome theirs.

I wanted this letter to Stephan to be encouraging... I hope it is.... He has so much to give.

(The Letter:


Hey Baby,

I am sending you this link to a video. When you see it you may roll your eyes and not want to watch it... I love you with all that is in me and I am so very proud of you in so many ways. You have surprised me in so many ways.. good ways over the last few days. I was so proud of you for being such a good friend and example to Isaiah. He came to know God because of you and what a better time than Christmas! My heart wells up with gladness. I've told you that you are going to do great and mighty things for God one day! Things that me, dad or Brandon may never do... I told you that back in homeschool! I know God has plans for your life. What plans? I don't know, but you've won more people to the Lord than even I have as of yet! You have a story to tell... a story that can help people around you. You know, what you have been through, the devil means for evil, but God means for good. He never takes us through anything that we can't get through when we trust Him. He will never leave or forsake us. God allows certain things to come into our life and allows us to go through hard times. I think that as long as we keep our hand in his hand He will bring us through and He wants us to help others going through the same stuff we've been through by teaching people what we've learned!

I hope this video helps you discover where you want to go and what you want to do with your life, because you have so much to offer this world! People love you, kids are drawn to you... Isaiah said you were his best friend- that's what he told me! : ) People listen to you, you just have a way with people and I think you know it. I think you should start a blog about your journey over the past few years and attempt to help kids struggling with drug addiction. You may make more of a difference in this world than you know... You may save lives in more ways than you know! I can help you start one!

I know that you have a purpose... you have a mission.... you can help kids like the one in this video by choosing to be used and finding your place in this world! I love you with all my heart!
Mom
http://www.wbir.com/dontmiss/139771/207/Henrys-Story-A-young-mans-battle-with-drug-addiction-and-the-family-who-tried-to-save-him

Last Probation Visit

Stephan's drug test came back clean again for a second time! I am praising the Lord....

We still have battles to fight. I have discovered that he has been drinking some and also got some ADHD medication from a friend. These two drugs do not show up on a drug test...

Although we are still at war, I feel as if some progress is being made, but I can't help feel somewhat helpless as we approach the end of his probation period. Will he fall back down into the deep, darkness that once encapsulated him? Oh, how I am praying not...

He is still his old self. He still has that spark that makes him "Stephan!" He finally has goals. He has plans to attend college and has called twice inquiring about what to take. He's making decisions and is looking for a full-time job!

We went to NC for Christmas and on Christmas Day he and his girlfriend decided to break up. She's going into the air force in seven months and the decision was mutual. I fear depression coming on. He's quiet, but happy... He's not devastated, or it doesn't seem that he is. Sometimes it's hard to tell. He is openly talking to me and Richard about the break-up, which I see as a good thing. He internalizes things at times and I just pray that he doesn't sink... I hope he's gained enough insight these last few months to swim! I pray that I can be encouraging enough to him and loving enough to help him through this. Break-ups are a big deal at his age.

Lord give us strength. Thank you for Your grace and mercy that reaches to the Heavens. Thank you for your Holy Spirit who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray....
I lift my hands to you..... Protect and guide us. Help us... Keep my son in the palm of your mighty hand.

CHINS Program, Turning Our Son In...

As you know from my last post, Stephan left home. He chose to leave because he said that he could not follow our rules and my husband helped him pack a bag and took him into town and let him out. This was one of the most devastating decisions that we've made so far. I know my son is 17, but the thoughts of him walking down the road, in the dark with nothing but his backpack breaks a mother's heart. I am tearing up just writing this. My husband would not let me go.. of course, I didn't want to. I couldn't bear watching him walk away...homeless.

He stayed with his friend, who is also on drugs, for three days. During these three days, he did "live it up," so to speak. I knew he would. He called home high needing food. He said there was nothing at all to eat there and I believed him! The house itself looks like a home you would see on "Hoarders." There are dogs in the house, which do their business in the floor and no one cleans up! Yes... I know! Anyway, I asked him how much money he had and told him that he would need to skate or walk to the grocery store and buy him some food. Of course he played games with me and kept calling, but as much as I wanted to rescue him, I stood firm knowing that this may be our last chance at letting him learn just how great this lifestyle really was!!! He called my husband.. Richard asked him what his food budget was. Stephan said, "four dollars." So, Richard went to Publix and bought him bologna and a loaf of bread that Stephan paid for. Richard dropped it off and left. Stephan ate bologna till his heart was content.. um no, until he was sick of it! Finally, like I said after three days, he came home. He was complaining about the environment there. I reminded him of how lucky he was to have a clean home and a bed to sleep in.. food to eat etc. He actually agreed with me! He told me... (this is his words) how stupid they were for living that way and why can't people just clean up and live right! All you moms out there know what I was thinking about my own son, but I didn't say anything, I just let him complain hoping that he would talk himself into repentance! He said he almost starved and he would never eat bologna again! I was internally glad, you know, doing a jig inside--my happy dance--although, again, I didn't say a thing! I did ask him about his desire to live on his own, to get away from us and our rules. I asked him if it was as easy as he thought it would be and he did say no. He said he knew now that he couldn't afford it. He told me he'd need a full time job. All the things he was saying were very promising. I felt a glimmer of hope welling up inside me! How long would I get to feel this?

The next morning, he got mad because he couldn't find his cigarettes! This is what he does coming off drugs. I had learned to recognize it now. It was a fit of rage really! He was hitting his walls and punching his door. It was so terrible, I locked myself in my room and called my Richard to come home from work! When he arrived, he talked to Stephan, got him calmed down, but when they came back in, they went up to pack again.... my glimmer of hope was now extinguished! He took Stephan back into town where he wound up back at this same kids house for two more days until..........

Until... about 10:30 one night, we got a call from the alarm system company that monitors security at my husband's plant! The alarm had went off! I was almost relieved that it wasn't the police calling about Stephan! We got in the car and were on our way down there. In the mean time, my husband was speaking with the police on the phone- who had just arrived- and said that someone had broken in. They had thrown a huge landscape brick through a window and climbed in. We immediately suspected Stephan. Oh how I was praying for him to have nothing to do with this!! We arrived... Someone had climbed in, cut themselves, turned OFF the alarm, because they "KNEW" the code, stole cash from the cash box, and went out a back door. This was the worst moment of my life thus far... I'm staring into the face of a police officer knowing that it was my son... knowing and not "really" knowing all at the same time what was about to happen! We told the officers that we suspected our son, because whoever it was knew the code to disarm the security system. There was blood everywhere.. even on the wall beside the keypad... it was a bloody handprint that may belong to my son... I was sick...

My husband told them where to find our son, they went straight there and questioned him and saw the cut on his hand. There were two others involved. They cuffed them and took them downtown!
After I had time to process this in my mind, I thought, ok, this is the breaking point! He's in jail... We've come to the end of the road. It's time to act. It's now or never. My child is in JAIL!

I heard recently that when your children are small you are a cop! You monitor their behavior and when they mess up they are disciplined accordingly, but when they are teens, parents should be able to shift from cop mode to coach mode. We give them great advice and then give them the choice to make the right decision! I guess it's sort of a trial and error type of thing that they are still learning from their mistakes. I felt like that's what we did when we let him pack his stuff! Well, he did NOT make the right decisions! When they can't make the right decisions, you have no choice but to make decisions for your child, because they are not capable! I'm not sure if that means we are sort of cop and coach now... I just don't know. All I do know is there are real cops involved now.

Because Stephan was 17, they could not keep him unless my husband or Chuck, the president of the company pressed charges! My husband was on the phone with the police for, what seemed forever! That police officer had also had problems with his son, so he really helped us make some decisions. First, my husband had to call and wake up the president of his company to inform him of everything that had taken place that night. It was 2:30 am!! I could tell that this was not an easy call for Richard. Chuck is also his friend... but still this is Richard's boss and this is his company and our son stole from him. We were humiliated.

The police officer mentioned the CHINS (Child In Need of Supervision) program to Richard. We had already looked into CHINS when Stephan got caught selling marijuana to a kid he knew!! So.. we knew a little about it. Basically, you are transferring your parental rights to your child to the court system and they determine what's best for your child because the parents have exhausted their options! Your child is on "probation" so to speak and will report to a probation officer for drug testing once a month, they access your child to see if counseling is needed or rehab is needed etc.

Richard and Chuck decided that instead of pressing charges that this would be the best route to take for now. We met with Stephan's probation officer for the first time, they accessed him... I even had to take a test! We made an appointment for his first counseling secession. His drug test came back negative! Stephan knew he would have to take one. However, I will have to say that this was a real eye-opener for Stephan! He knows he was lucky! His probation officer was none to easy on him and for that I am glad!!!! She told him EXACTLY where he was headed if he didn't get it together! She asked him if he enjoyed his ride downtown!

Here is a link to the CHINS program:

http://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-and-families/chinsIt has been three months now.. or he's been three times to the probation office and he's clean!!! Praise God!! My son is cleeeeeaaannn! His behavior is different! Day by day I could see my old Stephan resurfacing! He's jokey... he goofy, he's responsible! I had forgotten who he was. I actually thought that his personality was just who he was becoming and I didn't realize the effect that drugs was having on that! He's keeping his room clean again and fusses at ME when I need to tidy up downstairs.... He even helps me! He has a girlfriend! By her coming into the picture has kept him away from all the guys he was around. This has been a blessing! We are not letting them go out yet... He's got a lot of trust to earn back.

Stephan's first counseling secession went great, but he does not want to go back. He says that he has goals. One, to stay off drugs, two to earn his money for his car insurance to be able to drive again, three to start college!!! Did you hear that? COLLEGE!!!! He says he had to do this on his own.... I disagree with him, which is why me and Richard are still in discussion about continuing the counseling. He has to want to go for it to do any good... But, if he does go- even if he don't want to at first, he may find that he's glad he is going for more support and accountability!

We are still not out of the woods... By no means are we! I will willingly admit that by now, I am not a naive parent and I do have concerns that when this probation period is over what we may face. My prayers are that by then he will have seen what life is like without drugs and that he will choose not to revert back into that behavior.

For now, we are still working on occasional outbursts of anger. His probation officer gave him a list of every job opening here and he has applied for three so far. His job that he works now does not give him many hours at all. That's another thing, Stephan has too much time on his hands. He neeeeeeds to be busy! He needs structure and somewhat of a set schedule! He's in the beginning stages of working toward his goals.

Turning him in was the best thing we've done so far... It gave us a foot-hold once again. Gave us a sense of control and gave him major accountability! If Stephan does not comply he will be facing boot camp for boys. So far, so good....

"(We can) be confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)Stephan can't get away from God, He is his child. He was saved at an early age, but has strayed. God will complete the work He began in Stephan one day. It's a promise...

Perfect Parenting....

Defining 'Successful Parenting'
by Tim Sanford

Many people believe every parent's job is to make sure his or her children turn out "right." Even though most of us don't quite know what that standard means, we feel obliged to meet it.

But if it were true, it would mean God messed up.

In Genesis we read about a place called the Garden of Eden. It was a perfect environment, "a perfect "home."

In this perfect place there were two perfect people — God's children, Adam and Eve. Wouldn't that be nice to have perfect children?

And there was a perfect God — the perfect parent.

There was also a rule: "You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die" (Genesis 2:17).

You've probably heard the rest of the story.

Adam and Eve chose foolishly, defying what God had told them. Our human decay and ultimate death are stark reminders of that wrong choice — made by perfect people in a perfect environment with a perfect parent.

So what did God do wrong? If He "trained them in the way they should go," why did Adam and Eve choose the other option? If Proverbs 22:6 is a guarantee of success for parents, why wasn't it a guarantee for the Author of the Book?

Enter free will.

I'm talking about a God-given freedom to choose — part of being created in His image. Adam and Eve exercised it, and your teenagers exercise it today.

"But I want them to turn out right," you say.

Yes. I agree with you. But that's not your job.

"But I want the best for them, for their sakes."

I won't argue with that. But it's still not your job to make sure they do.

If controlling your teenager isn't your job, what is?

This article series will help answer that question.

We need to figure out what your real calling is — to help you stop doing what isn't your assignment. A blurry job description makes it easy to wander into the over controlling side of the delicate balance between control and influence.

Your essential task depends on whether you're a mom or a dad. If that sounds like stereotyping, bear with me. I'm not talking about aprons and rolling pins and dragging cavewomen by the hair. I'm talking about doing what you tend to do best, and what your teen tends to need most from you. (end of article)
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Me again: Before reading the links below, back to the reason for this article. Perfect Parenting... God is perfect and is a perfect Father, yet we mess up everyday. Is it his fault? No, it's our own and it is called freedom of choice! We do not choose for our children to sin, nor do we encourage it! If you are a parent trying different tactics with your child, using discipline to teach and train and encouragment to lift their self esteem, then you are doing all you can do... just keep doing it!

http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/real_job_of_dads.aspx


http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/real_job_of_moms.aspx

http://http//www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/successful_parenting/how_much_validation_and_nurturing.aspx

Despair

Since my last post, Stephan's behavior has escalated out of control.... Although we are parents who require respect, we haven't received any from our son. We have found through this downward spiral of crisis that we "can" require it, but it's his choice to give it. When he doesn't, he faces consequences... Honestly, and I can't believe it's come to this, but we have no more consequences to draw out of the hat with which to sentence him with!!! We have drawn our last straw and we are at the bottom of the barrel...

He had another wreck a few weeks ago. He ran up on a curb and busted both tires on one side of his vehicle because he was drunk! Since then, he hasn't had transportation!! We suspended his insurance, took the tag off etc. That same day, he also took off and went with friends to a Tuscaloosa- four hours away! Three days later he finally contacts us wanting to come home. We didn't even consider it, although we knew he was hungry and was staying with a stranger... Actually, an Alabama Football player who was trying to get rid of Stephan. Richard told him, "You got there... get back the best way you know how! He did get back, and was wearing the underwear of a football player who's name I won't mention, but this guy weighs about 250 pounds more than Stephan and my only thought was- Why even wear them when they don't stay on?? I wished I'd kept those underwear. This guy is being recruited to play in the NFL and his underwear might have been worth all my pain and suffering....

I read a story once, of two girls running away together. Both eventually wanted to come home and called their parents. One set of parents sent their daughter plane tickets, the other set told their daughter that they would provide half of the money she needed for a bus ticket, but she would have to earn the rest. She did... Both girls returned home. The one girl who's parents paid her way continued to rebel and run away... The other girl never did! I know both sets of parents loved their daughters equally. But just as I've said in a previous post, there are parents who continue to bail their children out and they never learn from their mistakes. Sometimes tough love causes teens to have to take responsibility for their own actions! Sometimes Mama's want to go and rescue their babies, and part of me did, but I also knew he would take advantage of us more than he already does and he would never learn from this mistake. He did come home! He made it!! He found a way! I hoped that he would have changed.... I think in some senses, he did, but not enough to drop the drug habit.

Several days have passed: He didn't come home again the other night. My husband had already told Stephan that if this happened again and we continued to find drugs that he would have to consider telling Stephan that he will have to live somewhere else. We have rules... plus, we will not allow our son to blatantly sin right in front of our eyes!! We can not commend this type of behavior! We love our son and we want to help him!!! We love him with all our hearts!!

These were two things we discussed: Watching him sin/ and forcing him to get help!

On watching him sin: As Christian parents, we know he's smoking cigarettes on our property and know that he is doing drugs. We never see it, (except for the cigarettes... sometimes do get a whiff of that) but never see drug use except empty wrappers, or cellophane... We see behavior and.. he can not pass a drug test! He stays up all night and wants to sleep till noon, but I do pester him until he's up!! Since we do not want him sinning, we want him healthy and we love him, we discussed asking him if he could follow these certain set of rules that we would go over with him... 1)He would be given the choice to either live with us and follow our rules or live somewhere else! 2)We discussed the fact that as of right now, he can not financially support himself if he did live outside our home, so... he would be forced to come home eventually (and be glad to abide by our rules) after finding out what living on his own has to offer!!! That was a hard decision! He has a job, but not enough for an apartment. Leaving our home means him possibly living with other druggies, just livin' it up, so to speak while sinking deeper into quicksand. OR does it mean realizing, "Gosh, living at home under mom and dad's rules is a whole lot better than living with these people struggling to buy food or winding up in jail!!" That's where he's headed... if things don't change.

Forcing him to get help: We have gone over this one over and over. Stephan has been accessed by a counselor and we were making steps to get him counseling! Stephan said he was NOT going and we couldn't force him! We can't drag him to the car.... Our conclusion was that he won't be successful getting the help he needs until he realizes he needs help and is willing to help himself!
That, unfortunately is the cold, hard facts! Most people forced into rehab relapse within months! -so I've read. May not be completely true, but I'm new at all this...

Well, with this said, last Sunday night after not coming home (again,) Richard gave Stephan the option to stay here and let us help him. He would have to follow our rules... all of them! (No drugs, cigarettes, cell phone, till he earns it back, no car until he earns the money needed for insurance, no friends because 99% of them are drug users. He would work his job, earn money... Richard had arranged mission work for him to do. He would work helping shut-in's and work at our church helping our maintenance guy... our church is huge and so this would be a major help to Dewayne!! Dewayne agreed...  He would work his regular job and for his mission work with the shut-in's and helping Dewayne, we would donate $10.00 an hour toward his car insurance! We thought this would give Stephan a feeling of accomplishment and also feel good helping those in need. He turned it down!...
Richard lovingly helped him pack and he's been staying with a friend/drug user!
Stephan lied this this boy's mother, which is why she's even allowing him to stay!
All I know is I am praying for Stephan diligently daily! I pray he will find that he cannot support himself, that he will realize that life is not all about a "high." I hope he realizes that drugs are a dead-end street! I hope this helps him find purpose!!

The only thing I can think of after this.... if this doesn't work... is turning him in! Lord, I pray we don't have to do that! Please guide us and lead us... please help our son return to you! You are his only salvation! Let him experience your love and see you in some way today. Let him see your undeniable power in his life.

Stages and Warning Signs of Substance Abuse

Stages and Warning Signs of Substance Abuse:

Experts in adolescent substance problems have identified a common progression of alcohol- and drug-related behaviors that moves from bad to worse.
While it is not a foregone conclusion that everyone who experiments with drugs will progress to the worst stages of involvement, a child can incur a lot of damage before parents or others notice that something is wrong. Secretive adolescent behavior and skillful lying, combined with parental denial ("No one in our family could have a drug problem!"), may delay identification of the problem. While paranoia and daily inquisitions around the breakfast table are counterproductive, wise parents will keep their eyes and ears open and promptly take action if they see any signs that a problem may be developing.

Stage one: Experimentation — entering the drug gateway
Characteristics:

•Use is occasional, sporadic, often unplanned — weekends, summer nights, unsupervised parties.
•Use is precipitated by peer pressure, curiosity, thrill-seeking, desire to look and feel grown-up.
•Gateway drugs are usually used — cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, possibly inhalants.
•A drug high is easier to experience because tolerance has not been developed.
Parents may notice:

•Tobacco or alcohol on the breath or intoxicated behavior.
•Little change in normal behavior between episodes of drug use.

Stage two: More regular drug use — leaving the land of the living
Characteristics:

•Alcohol and other drugs are used not only on weekends but also on weekdays, and not only with friends but when alone.
•Quantities of alcohol and drugs increase as tolerance develops; hangovers become more common.
•Blackouts — periods of time in which drugs or alcohol prevent normal memories from forming — may occur. "What happened last night?" becomes a frequent question.
•More time and attention are focused on when the next drug experience will occur.
•Fellow drinkers/drug users become preferred companions.
Parents may notice:

•A son or daughter will be out of the house later at night, overnight or all weekend.
•Unexplained school absences and deteriorating school performance.
•Outside activities such as sports are dropped.
•Decreased contact with friends who don't use drugs.
•Disappearance of money or other valuables.
•Withdrawal from the family, and an increasingly sullen and hostile attitude.
•The user is caught in one or many lies.

Stage three: Waist deep in the mire of addiction — and sinking
Characteristics:

•Alcohol and drugs become the primary focus of attention.
•Becoming high is a daily event.
•A willingness to try more dangerous drugs or combinations of drugs.
•More money is spent each week on drugs. Theft or dealing may become part of drug-seeking behavior.
•Increasing social isolation and loss of contact with non-drug-using friends. More drug use in isolation, rather than at parties or with other users.

Parents may notice the behaviors listed earlier, plus:

•Escalation of conflicts at home.
•Loss of nearly all control of the adolescent.
•Possible discovery of a stash of drugs at home.
•Arrest(s) for possession of and/or dealing drugs or for driving while intoxicated.

Stage four: Drowning in addiction
Characteristics:

•Constant state of intoxication. Being high or stoned is routine, even at school or a job (if the user even bothers to attend).
•Blackouts increase in frequency.
•Physical appearance deteriorates, with noticeable weight loss, infection, and overall poor self-care.
•Injectable drugs may be part of the user's routine.
•Involvement in casual sexual relationships, at times in exchange for drugs.
•User will likely be involved with theft, dealing and other criminal activity.
•Guilt, self-hatred and thoughts of suicide increase.
Parents are likely to deal with:

•Complete loss of control of adolescent's behavior and escalation of conflict, possibly to the point of violence.
•Ongoing denial by the user that drugs are a problem.
•Increasing problems with the law and time spent with police, attorneys, hearings, court officials, etc.
•Other siblings negatively affected because the family is preoccupied or overwhelmed by consequences of the drug user's behavior.

This descent into drug hell is a nightmare that no parent envisions while rocking a newborn baby or escorting an eager 5-year-old to kindergarten. But it can happen in any neighborhood, any church, any family, even when parents have provided a stable and loving home environment. In fact, it is often in such homes that a drug problem goes undetected until it's reached an advanced and dangerous stage. This can't be happening; not in my house! But if it does, parental guilt, anger and depression can undermine the responses necessary to restore order.


Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

A Wreck and other Updates

It's been an up and down hill battle for months. Stephan had a really bad wreck a few months ago. He was with two friends and they had been drinking.

Stephan had asked us if he may spend the night with this boy he was with before the wreck. We said that he could... He seemed to be a good kid. We met his mother...

We had gotten to the point with him that we were realizing he wasn't listening to our advice. We've spent hours.. grueling hours advising him and counseling him. He knows the truth, he knows right from wrong, he knows what the right decision is- he just doesn't make it! The fact is: He's going to do what he wants to do no matter what we say. We feel that the only option we have at this point is to let go.. and let him learn from his own mistakes! This was a tough decision for me to swallow! I do want him to learn from his mistakes- but I don't want us allowing him to learn on his own to take him to jail or to take his life either! I don't want him drinking. I want him safe! My husband and I had been back and forth with this decision! You can rule a teen with an iron fist and "make" them respect you and be obedient... Oh, and trust me, he and his dad have had some knock down drag outs!! But we would rather him come to the place of respect and obedience because it's something he desires to do from his heart. He's the type of kid that will only learn respect and obedience from trial and error. We've realized that we can't protect him. He doesn't listen- he'll sneak out of the house if we lock him in his room (so to speak.) He's been grounded, grounded, grounded.. He's had lecture after lecture. He's had his friends, phone, car, TV, video games, etc... etc... taken away to the point that there is nothing left!!! He drinks when we say don't! We have made him buy his drug tests to use at home for our viewing pleasure!! What does he do? He smokes pot and does drugs right after taking a drug test!

Now, I have painted a pretty ugly picture. Stephan is not all "bad." He does have a kind heart. He's respectable to everyone he meets. He smiles and shakes hands with gentlemen. He helps older ladies with their shopping carts! He loves children and animals. He loves us!! He's quite the conversationalist, everyone likes him! But- He's mixed up and needs to surrender his life to God. He's searching for who he is... Let me also say: He bought his car and pays his own insurance!!!

Like a carousel that goes round and round, there are days that we feel as if our only option left is to call the authorities, because he gets completely out of hand with us! We truly don't want to do that until we've tried everything that loving parents can do in attempt to help him and allow him to grow up mentally in the process of it all. Now, I have to say that we have called the police three times when he's ran away! When I say call the authorities- I mean for them to come pick him up and appoint him a probation officer!!!

In this process of letting him learn from his own mistakes and suffering the consequences- If he winds up in jail.. then he'll have to 'learn from those consequences!" No mother wants to see their baby go to jail, and I'm afraid that when he turns 18 that may be a road he has to travel if he doesn't change!

Love is tough... I had a female probation officer friend of mine tell me that the worst thing parents can do with a teen who has been put in jail is bail them out! It starts a process that will never end... Just like a three year old child who gets their way every time he/she has a tantrum. These young adults are constantly bailed out and never allowed to face the consequence that they created for themselves. Parents really think they are helping... but they are creating a monster that will suck the life out of them!

So... back to the wreck: We said he could spend the night. We were awakened one Saturday morning at 5:50 by paramedics telling us that he had been taken to our city hospital with two other kids and one had been released! They gave us no details as to his condition! I have never been so desperate for prayer than that moment! I dropped to my knees, shaking like a leaf and cried out to God to please just let him be ok!! Please just let him be alive!! I could hardly put my clothes on, I was shaking so bad my fingers didn't want to seem to work. I had this awful knot in my throat that choked me to the point that I couldn't breathe. On the way, silence deafened Richard and I both as neither of us knew what we were walking into once we graced the doors of the hospital. Were they taking us to the ER or to the morgue? Oh please GOD not the morgue. When we arrived, he was bloody, moaning and strapped to a table from head to toe and was in and out of consciousness. OH GOD- HE's ALIVE! Oh gracious Lord, I was so thankful he was alive!!! He was put through MRI's, X-Rays, blood tests... the list goes on.

I was certain that with his friend, Blake in the next room, strapped down just like him that Stephan was thinking hard on lots of things! There was really no need to remind him that he just made a horrible mistake!! Part of me wanted to clobber him now that he was alive... but I didn't. I had to reboot myself. He did need love... and lots of it! He knew that this was his fault and at the time he didn't need us to remind him of that! I can't imagine what he was thinking.

We walked out of the hospital that day, praise the Lord!! I have never, ever been so thankful and grateful to God above!!! All three kids were fine, aside from soreness, some stitches, and days on the sofa!

Stephan had ran into a ladies mailbox during the wreck and Richard decided to let Stephan fix it since that was the only thing on "that" property that was hit. He also hit a tree on another property. If he hadn't hit the tree, they would have drove hood first into a swimming pool. So, then came then came the dealings with the insurance company and bills! I informed Stephan of everything, because I didn't want him to think - Oh, - I have a wreck and the insurance pays for me a new vehicle, damage to the properties and pays all these medical bills- end of story!! He did have to interview with the insurance company! And I told him that me and his dad were not paying anything. If the insurance company covered their part and there was a remainder, he would be responsible for that. I believe that the insurance will cover all the bills, and don't want to put loads of pressure on Stephan, but do want him to understand that bad choices have bad consequences!!

Since the wreck, he has found a job and is working. Richard found a list of goals Stephan had written in his room the other day. Some of the things he mentioned were: finding a better job and going to college! Good news!

As I've always said, I know that God has plans for Stephan's life. His life now will be a testimony to others one day. My prayer is that he will begin to see that with obedience and respect comes much blessing.......